This has been sitting in the queue for a while, and its kind of short, but I figure I might as well push it out, as generally when I hate something I rant and rave instead of writing a small blurb so it probably won’t fill out anytime soon.
Tales of Xilia
Are you a woman? Do you get tired of the literal seconds of your media-consumption that don’t remind you that the world views you as a sex object? Well this is the game for you! Literally not a cutscene goes by without either a lecherous comment about women’s look or a loving camera pandering over the barely-dressed female character’s bodies. And just in case you’re thinking there’s even Strong Female Characters here to give the illusion of inclusiveness, worry not! The female protagonist is stripped of her power in the opening of the game and has to be escorted around by Men the rest of the time.
I couldn’t make it more than a few hours into this shitshow and I’m never touching this franchise again. It’s a shame because the actual gameplay was fun (the story was fucking stupid, but eh), but fine, game, if you don’t want me here I won’t give you my money. Fuck you, too.
Also the voice acting was terrible. You may be thinking, “Okay, but that doesn’t really detract too too much from the game itself.” You are wrong, which I know because that was what I thought. The voice acting is really bad.
Final Fantasy IV
I never got into Final Fantasy. Not for any reason in particular– it just never popped up on my radar as a kid and now there’s a hundred million of them and I feel like I don’t have the time to catch up. But Boyfriend had this and it’s supposed to be one of the best, so I gave it a shot.
This is probably one of the most boring games I’ve ever played. I honestly couldn’t finish it, it was just mind-numbing.
That’s really all there is to say about it. It’s just uninteresting. The story is cliche, the characters are cliche, the battles are monotonous, and there’s no sidequests or minigames to keep you going (the promise of murdering woodland creatures powered me through Assassin’s Creed 3, I swear). It’s hard to even describe what the problems were because they were so rote. The characters were cardboard cutouts I was never emotionally invested in. The plot is typical “save the kingdom” stuff without the usual jRPG backdrop of a fun fantasy world or colorful people and places to make it worthwhile. I ended up level grinding on autoplay because the battles didn’t really require any strategy.
I mean, on one hand, there’s a reason my kneejerk reaction to people shouting, “It’s a classic!!!” is, “So that means it sucks then, great.” I’m looking at you Earthbound (and you, too, James Joyce). However, I do realize that when it was originally released in 1991, it’s highly likely that at the time everything was all shiny and new territory and it was exciting and stuff. But if that’s true, it just hasn’t stood the test of time. When games like Chrono Trigger still feel fresh twenty years later, it makes me think that all this game had going for it in the first place was a lack of competition.