Day 1 Pokemon Reviews (9)

It’s that time of year again!

Rules this time are no real rules. I’ll probably be ignoring most romance stories except to bitch about their dialogue, unless I don’t. The rare fic I have no opinion at all about will also be ignored.

For those of you new at this, I remind you there’s a link to your block page on my profile. Just stick my name there and all’s well.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7697013/1/Leaves

[“Yeah, I definitely am,” Crystal swallows the tea quickly ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[Crystal lets her blue bangs cover her eyes, hoping that Yellow couldn’t see her futile attempt to hide her tears.]

A lot of your sentences are a mess. How can she be hoping Yellow won’t see when it’s already a “futile” attempt, and why would she be hoping Yellow couldn’t see the attempt instead of the tears?

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7697015/1/The_Greatest_Gift_Of_All

[“Okay, if you need anything, just let me know.” the saleswoman walked away ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

ARG CHRISTMAS FIC AND BICYCLE FIC THE WHOLE REASON I SWITCHED TO JANUARY WAS TO MAKE IT STOP

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7697131/1/the_court_jester

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7697136/1/Ouran_Pokeventures

Nonstory chapters are banned.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Looks: Red long hair that goes to her knees, a pink tube top, khaki short with pockets and a brown belt, black gloves, black shoulder jacket with front pockets, tying white and pink shoes, and a red Pokémon symbol cap ]

Real people change their clothes from day to day.

[Years had passed and lately there have been new changes that occurred around many regions, it’s now said that instead of being ten years old to one day become a Pokémon trainer, it’s now changed to 16, for peoples known well-being that their children are safe. ]

Your grammar is atrocious and this plotline is such a cliché that overage trainers are more common than the ten year olds.

Write out numbers with letters.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7697136/2/Ouran_Pokeventures

[In Sakura’s Room]

Don’t write headers about where a scene is taking place, just put it in the narration.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[and finds her little sister, Mimi; she had brown short hair, green eyes, wearing a flower dress and sandals.  ]

Don’t infodump. Bring up information when it’s relevant.

[sweet heart ]

One word.

[She made it to Pro. Sandra’s lab and climbs the long stone stair case; and made it to the door and politely knocks on the door. ]

Staircase is also one word and you’re abusing semicolons. You have a ton of mistakes in this. Get a beta reader.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7697283/1/Youre_Different

Don’t open with a list of character ages. If you’re writing properly, it should be clear how old they are from how they’re written, if you’re not, telling people won’t fix anything.

Also, if your formatting is this messed up, wait until you fix it before posting.

[fassion]

Spellcheck.

If you say that Dawn and Paul are three years apart, don’t then have them both in the same class.

Don’t switch between POVs. Just write it all in third if you want to have multiple viewpoints.

[Nice to meet you Paul.” She said simply. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7697381/1/Pokemon_Back_to_the_Past

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

And use said.

You have way too much dialogue in this. A lot of it’s filler and a lot of the rest is using dialogue to try to take the place of narration, which you’re lacking.

[He’s defiantly gonna see this ]

Definitely.

Write out numbers with letters.

[“Why don’t you buy something else like some sweets?” asked the man.
“Because you can catch Pokémon with sweets!” shouted Ria.]

You mean “can’t”.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

You also generally have a lot of writing issues. Get a beta reader.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7697389/1/Ecstasy

[“Serperior, return.” Cheren muttered ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[Her chipper tone was beyond annoying to him ]

If he finds her this irritating, it’s hard to believe he’s interested in her.

[ a Pokémon battle ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[stared into her fearful ceruleans ]

Your word choice is generally questionable, but this is especially bad. “Ceruleans” is not an appropriate shorthand for cerulean eyes.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7697482/1/Sealed_Deal

[ Pokemon breeding ]
[the Professor ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“Can I help you with something?” She asked politely. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

[I guess I don’t mind tacklin’ the job if I’ve got a hot girl as company,” Gold said, waiting for her reaction. He expected a blush, and possibly a love confession – But all he got was her slamming her pen down. “If that’s all you care about, then maybe you should get your facts straight about what a job really means before even hoping to apply for a job!” She said angrily.
Gold’s grin widened. When she was angry, her cheeks coloured and her eyes flashed; a beauty, if he ever saw one.]

Gold is coming off as a skeevy asshole here. She’s making it clear she doesn’t want him to be flirting with her, and he finds the fact she’s angry and upset about it attractive and reason to keep harassing her.

[“Besides… How do you know Superseriousgal, Senior Blue? Ya didn’t tell me about her, which is shame. I’d have liked meetin’ a pretty lady like her aeons ago,” Gold smirked.
“Stop calling me that!” Crystal clenched her fists.]

Yeah, I think I’m done with this.

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