Day 10 Pokemon Reviews (16)

And now thirty behind again.


http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7724714/1/Reunited

[their fellow Ekans and Koffing ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Arbok said “I wonder what our old masters are doing right now?” ]

You need a comma there.

This is really not much of a story. They decide to go back, and then they do. There’s really nothing actually happening, it’s just there because you want something to happen.

This is a thing people need to stop doing. It’s sort of like fix-it fic, except without the fic half. It’s entirely devoted to explaining how something ends up changed or changed back.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7724723/1/Violet_Hill_A_PMD3_Story

This is far too short for a first chapter. It’s what, ten, twenty lines total? It’d work fine as an introduction to an actual chapter, but not posted on its own.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7724756/1/Soul_Link_Chronicles_Season_One

[it`s characters ]

“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.

[flocks of Pidgeotto ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[goldenrod city, ]

This, for example, is a name and should be capitalized.

Starting a story with your character waking up is terribly overdone and was boring the first time.

[“Hey, Michael get out off bed.” rang a familiar voice ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[a young man around 5` 4“at the age of 13 ]

No one ever needs to know the exact height to inches and write out numbers with letters.

[Michael had chestnut brown hair that was short and messy, had hazel colored eyes, wore long denim jeans held up with a belt that had a silver Pokeball belt buckle with clips for Pokeballs, a black shirt under a blue hoodie with white designs all around with sleeves cut off a the elbows, along with wearing fingerless cycling gloves and white running shoes. ]

Don’t infodump. Bring up information when and if it’s relevant.

[He said he wants your to grow a bond ]

Proofread.

…and now you just switched from third to first in the middle of your story, you’re not even trying, are you?

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7724823/1/Monday_Blues

[deary ]

Dreary. Proofread.

[She had Pokemon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[While waiting, she decided to take a stroll around Viridian; the exact time it started to rain. ]

Don’t abuse semicolons.

[“So how are you?” He questioned. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Also, use said. Lovely word, won’t bite, generally more appropriate than whatever word you’re shoehorning in. I mean, god, “questioned”? Really?

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7725255/1/The_Chimchar_From_the_South

[a Chimchar ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[for a thousand miles wide. ]

You don’t need “wide”. A lot of your sentences have some problem or other. This is terribly written and you really should find someone to beta read.

Really, it is absolutely godawful. Check it out.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7725260/1/Foresting_for_Answers

[with Voltorb and Magnemite ]

Mostly, you haven’t been capitalizing pokemon, but at various points you slip up. You need to proofread better.

[whilst ]

Just say while.

The long list of types is unnecessarily. Worse than that, it’s badly written, seeming like the focus was just on a general concept of what the type’s name is and not its usual capabilities. I think the grass entry is perhaps the worst:

[Grass pokemon will happily snare you with vines and strangle you to death.]

No, grass pokemon will happily poison you to death, suck your life out or in a few cases, swallow you whole and digest you slowly. They’re the masters of status-affecting and HP leaching moves.

[I’m not really paranoid. That thing about the grass pokemon is perfectly reasonable. Though, a lot of my friends did not think so. They were all extremely fascinated by pokemon. That’s why we ended up playing at the power plant. However, that’s not exactly relevant here. Besides, they’re all off being trainers now. ]

Your writing is choppy. You’re cutting up your sentences too short and they’re all around the same length, which makes your writing sound monotonous.

The idea of a person who doesn’t like pokemon and ends up a trainer anyway has been done quite a few times. You’re falling into one of the usual pitfalls, where you’re treating the objections as if they’re nonsense. Pokemon really are dangerous, it’s just you don’t care so instead of really considering the character’s viewpoint you halfassed their explanation so it sounds dumb. And other things in life really are interesting as well and worthy of a person focusing on them instead of on pokemon, it’s just people don’t usually focus on those things in pokemon stories because if you completely ignore pokemon there’s little point in writing fanfic set in that world.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7725260/2/Foresting_for_Answers

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Also, use said more.

[“Your father is back around,” Topaz moved on for my mother.
I could feels my eyelids strain as my eyes shot open with suprise. My dropped, feeling as if it had sunk to the floor. The chair I had been sitting it shot back across the room, echoing a loud crack as it slammed into the wall behind me. Without another word I raced through the house, kicking every door open.
“Where is he?” I screamed through the house. Noone tried to stop me. I checked every room and doubled back, eventually returning to the kitchen.]

Far from giving me the sense this is serious, this turns it all into a farce. No one would wait for someone to run all over the house before saying the guy isn’t there, they’d say it immediately. And no one would immediately run all over the house when there’s people right there who can point in the right direction. Having your character jerk up and scan the room while demanding where the guy is would have done fine.

While I appreciate show-don’t-tell, you’re going too far here because without knowing much about the situation, it’s hard to tell how serious this is. If she went with the dad willingly, panicking and trying to find her and talking about her as being “missing” like she’s been kidnapped seems like a huge overreaction unless there’s some other information we don’t know yet.

[My mother took a deep breath, “I can’t… I have to stay home for the breeding business…”]

No. If, again, we’re supposed to take this as a legitimate threat to the girl, no mother would say her business was more important. Either add a fourth location to occupy her or remove one of the other people there to help. This is especially true given that the locations are in cities but for some reason a trainer is required to investigate, which sounds like the father is dangerous enough they need protection. In that case, you’d only send a newbie who’s never had a pokemon before if there was absolutely no other option. It would also get across how serious this is if they need to enlist someone so inexperienced and potentially at risk as well much better than just shouting a whole bunch the way you have it right now.

[I flipped the lid off the shoebox and stared at the contents. A black bandana with a pokeball on it, a pair of green fingerless gloves, and belt that was capable of holding pokeballs. These were all accessories I considered too “trainer-esque” for my fashion sense, specifically the belt. ]

Then why have a special box for them, and why put the nonessentials on when it’s just a fashion issue?

Also why not pack a change of clothes? How long is this supposed to take, less than a day?

[It was like I had a Mew on one shoulder and a Mewtwo on the other, both arguing with eachother. ]

I don’t think Mewtwo is well known to the average person. Also, really, spellcheck. You have multiple mistakes that could have been solved with thirty seconds of effort.

[“Now,” My mother walked around the table, standing just a few inches from me, “Go to the pokemon center and call Professor Oak. I just spoke to him, and he has a pokemon for you,” ]

Ugh. You go through all this effort to give a different setup, but it all leads to the standard opening anyway, with pokeball bandana and a starter pokemon.

If the point here is just to have a pokemon for travel and self-defense, why not one or more of hers? She’s not going at all, it isn’t like she needs them. And even if she was, there’s three trainers total here, each could spare one pokemon from their team.

[I was actually excited. I’d never wanted to be a trainer, but now that a pokemon was sitting in front of me- My pokemon- I was excited. ]

Well, that sure does contradict the whole “scared of them” and “constantly turning down offers of a pet eevee” and, well, everything you’ve written so far. Look, if you can’t imagine someone not thrilled by pokemon, fine, but in that case maybe you shouldn’t try to write a story with that as your main character.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7725385/1/It_Could_Have_Been_Anyone

[*FLASHBACK* ]

Don’t do this. You should be able to get across things like this in the narration.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7725524/1/duty_of_service

Capitalize your title properly.

Your grammar is terrible, get a beta reader.

[The pokemorphs, or morphs as they were also called, had broken the law several times, mostly concerning property damage.]

If they’re called poke-anything, then presumably pokemon exist or at least existed. In that case, society would already be used to the problem of things with pokemon-level powers causing property damage.

[But after a certain number of charges against the same person, said morph was eventually thrown in jail. The human public felt sorry for him but understood the reason the morph was in jail. The morphs however did not and following an argument that their kind didn’t respond to human laws, they broke him out of jail. ]

Groups are not uniform. Some humans would think that someone that careless was doing it deliberately, and plenty of the pokemorphs should feel similarly given they’re all in a similar boat yet no one else has racked up that many charges. Of the pokemorphs who didn’t think he deserved it for carelessness or malice or that he had to be locked up just for safety reasons, plenty of them would just think the law was mistaken, not that being a pokemorph meant no laws should apply.

[The Chinese government started hunting him and what evolved into one of the biggest manhunts in Asia followed by the rest of the world like an exiting crime series, eventually ended in a full out civil war. ]

A civil war is a fight within a country between two factions. A war that starts in one country and boils over to involve everyone is a world war. A manhunt is neither of those things.

If a substantial pokemorph population existed in China, there could have been a civil war started there when they tried hunting the escapee, although it’s extremely doubtful most people would be willing to die because some dumbass got arrested for property damage. There’s still no reason for it to boil over to anywhere else.

If you want a widespread conflict instead of an idiotic plot based around one individual, have more widespread persecution against pokemorphs leading to unrest and riots.

[Most of the western population took the same stance as they had during the revolution in Egypt and Liberia, sit back and see how it turns out. Until a pair of UN representative ended up killed that is. ]

That’s the sort of thing that’s used as an excuse to go to war, not an actual reason.

[The American population saw this as ]

utterly unimportant because the American population as a whole does not like the UN. The only reason anyone would be outraged is if politicians wanted a pretext for getting involved.

[When the troops arrived they found out that they were in way over their head and only managed to win a few Pyrrhic victories before most of the expedition force was dead. The morphs used a fighting style that was different then what they had been fighting before. ]

No, they didn’t, because people should already have a passing familiarity with pokemon fighting given these are called pokemorphs and no they didn’t because the Chinese had already been fighting for a while so none of this should be a surprise and no they didn’t because you never said America had no pokemorphs of their own and those should be being used in the fight and people should be passingly familiar with them.

[A new string of the virus made itself known, appearing first in Australia before exporting itself into Africa, where it run rampant among the the people there, who had already been suffering from the pokemorph virus and were now attacked by another virus that shifted body and thought. This new strand was called the animorph virus, or the anthro virus, and generally was the same as its clone.
Another bloody war started, this time between three sides, the morphs, the anthros and the humans.]

Except you don’t explain what the difference is or why the third group would declare war on both instead of sitting things out or allying themselves with one side.

Also, if both started off human it makes absolutely no sense they wouldn’t keep human loyalties.

[Eventually the US collapsed, a collapse caused by the public’s demonstrations against the high prices on gas and other thing and the many recent losses in the war which had caused tens of thousands of lives, both military and civilian. (think the revolution in Russia during world war 1) ]

Nope. For one thing, it’s not going to collapse when they’re fighting a completely voluntary war that they could stop at any time. If they only went in because of public opinion, they’re not going to stick around. For another, the US is a democracy, which means you can remove elected officials without having to take a sledgehammer to your entire government. For a third, again being a democracy, the government would never abuse people alone WW1 Russian lines in the first place – hell, most non-democracies don’t.

[Europe was currently the only super nation on Earth and it was therefor inevitable that the young nation would go to war against the morphs ]

So Europe watched the two biggest nations destroy themselves with an idiotic war against the morphs, and one actually seeing its entire human population destroyed, and they figured the solution was to declare war.

[The battle ended in a human victory, and was a major lesson for both parties. the morphs learned that a large assault by human fighting vehicles may be cowardice but was very effective nonetheless and the humans learned that a zerg-rush tactic was not as foolish as it had sounded on paper. ]

No, it’s even more so. Seriously, no.

[While the humans won all the fighting, the morphs won the political side of the conflict by earning sympathy from the European population. ]

No, they didn’t, because they currently control all of Asia and have either killed off or displaced the entire population of those countries, which incidentally contains some of the most populated countries on earth, and then tried to do the same to Europe, which incidentally should be overwhelmed by Asian refugees as well. This is one step below everyone deciding to suddenly pity Hitler because he’s losing and deciding he can keep everything.

[But even when the war was over there wasn’t signed a peace treaty, it was a custom that the morphs didn’t know about, so officially the war was still going and the human were going to exploit that loophole to its fullest by starting a cold war. ]

You realize a peace treaty doesn’t stop a cold war, right? And you realize that signing a peace treaty doesn’t actually do jack shit to prevent you from going to any kind of war if you change your mind?

[It was not until it was to late that the morphs got to know about their mistake, by then it was to late as the Europeans were researching weapons, armor and strategy. ]

You only do stuff like that if you’re losing. If you’re winning, you just finish winning instead of stopping to let them regroup.

God I wish people would just stop writing histories of how the war went. They’re always jaw-droppingly stupid.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7726020/1/Explorers_of_a_breaking_world

Capitalize your title properly.

Anyway…eh. You really don’t need a chapter on the fact your character’s in the hospital and in a coma. The whole thing is just a string of the general cliches, readers can fill that sort of thing in on their own.

Also, your writing is way overwrought.

[the unfortunate victim of an intoxicated driver, despite this he looked peaceful, ready to accept his fate no matter what it was. ]

“Drunk” is fine, and no, people who get in car accidents don’t look peaceful, they look banged up. Don’t pretty things up for no reason.

Oh, and next time, at least run spellcheck.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7726212/1/One_Step_at_a_Time

[Picture: Hair- Short and slightly flared in the back, bangs sweeping to the right, hair long in length towards the front (reaching to the bust), white beads adorning it here and there. Sable in color. Eyes- a dark sapphire color. Skin color- olive. Jacket- Pastel blue in color, with black stripes on the propped up collar and edges of sleeves. Under the jacket, a bikini-esque blue top. Pants- leather with a tear on the left leg, tucked into black long boots. Gloves are fingerless and pale blue. Accessories- Thigh high Poke ball holster on the right leg, white beads on neck, blue choker on neck, belted hip bags- two on side and one on back- white beads coiled around the belt on the left side.]

Don’t infodump. Bring up information when and if it’s relevant. The exact location of beads, for example, will never be.

[only one Pokemon. ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“Hurry up and go before he wakes up.” I ordered it ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

There really doesn’t seem to be any reason for Plasma to be kicking puppies to death here. They were beating the munna because they wanted something in particular from it, and they didn’t beat multiple ones to death. They’re flat enough villains already, do they need to be made even worse?

…and now she’s out-specialing N and out-hearing-voices him. Ugh. Look, if a character has a particular niche no one else has, your character does not need to take that niche and do a thousand times better at it.

[Notes: Samantha’s Whimsicott is a “Shiny” Whimsicott]

What, she wasn’t enough of a sue already?

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7726339/1/DNA_Infected

[My dark hair was covered in sand, and my brown eyes turned white as all things from puddles to flames and craters on a once green land blurred before them. ]

He shouldn’t be able to tell what his eyes look like and certainly shouldn’t be able to see at all if they’ve turned white.

[few Pokémon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[for as difficult as it was, it kept dragging me further away. ]

I have no idea what you mean, because apparently he’s just crawling and nothing’s touching him.

[it’s weight ]

“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.

[I’ve been willing to catch an Eevee ever since ]

From context it seems you mean he wanted to, not was willing.

[Since that day, both Berries and Apricorns stopped growing were they were supposed to grow the most. Infected, my village was. I just watched, motionless, as they screamed and acquired shades of green and orange, giving more and more resemblance to It… ]

Unless you mean the berries and apricorns were screaming, you should probably pay more attention to your pronouns.

[My body lied ]

Lay.

You really, really need a beta reader.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7726642/1/A_Dancers_Tale

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7726954/1/Girl_Power

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized. Otherwise, it’s written “mom” like any other ordinary word.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7727039/1/Pokemon_Training_Institute_University

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7727078/1/Virizion_and_Kavi

Don’t switch POV types like that. Just write it all in third.

[that black colored Servine ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[(A/N: Everyone should know him but I’ll spill the beans not literally.)]

Never put an author’s note in the middle of a story.

[No wonder the humans were easy to defeat in the war.” Virizion said ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Don’t use quotation marks for thoughts, ever. It’s incredibly obnoxious to read.

[Unknown Location 5 hours later]

Don’t do these sort of scene breaks, it should be clear from the narration.

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