Day 12 Pokemon Reviews (25)

 Down to twenty again.


http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7729975/1/lethal

So, here’s the thing. Isolation makes you crazy. Not somewhat disconnected, violent rages, constant panic and hallucinations crazy, and it starts almost immediately. Also, people kept in isolation will almost always end up talking to themselves. It’s a real thing, and specifically it’s a real thing where most people don’t realize quite how much it messes people because it’s so often portrayed wrongly, so if you’re going to include it, try doing some research.

[“You’re getting a roommate.” they said to me. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7730203/1/Aura_Master

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[his Mom ]

When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized. Otherwise, it’s written “mom” like any other ordinary word.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7730247/1/LeafGreen_Nuzlocke

[it’s where you play a pokemon game as if fainting didn’t exist. ]
[The point is to make it a bit more realistic and challenging. ]

Which doesn’t make any sense in the context of any of the various pokemon canons. Your trainer should not be winning every battle, yet if you write it this way, they have to completely outclass everyone they run into just to avoid losing for good. That’s not realistic.

Huh, well at least you’re getting to the pokemon universe quick instead of dragging things out.

[“Hey, old man!” A gruff voice said angrily ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[the Professor ]
[A Charmander ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“There are two pokemon here. When I was young, I was a pokemon trainer. But now, in my old age, I have only a few left.” ]

Also good to see you’re remembering the way the game went instead of treating Oak as the designated starter distributor to all trainers.

[Professor Oak didn’t look too happy, “um, I’m sorry, but Charmander is not a pokemon for beginners.” He looked back at the lizard, which was glaring at him. “Especially this one.”
“Why?” I couldn’t help but ask, Charmander is one of the three starters after all, and my favorite out of all the games too.
“Charmander are hard to raise. They have very low defenses, as well as attack power. Combine that with all of its weaknesses and well… It takes a great deal of patience and experience to do it successfully. I gave a Charmander out in the past and it was abandoned, left for dead because the trainer was fed up with all of its weaknesses.” The Charmander growled at his comments. “And this Charmander, well, he’s stubborn and hot headed; a really bad combination for a starting pokemon.”]

Oh, never mind. Despite copying the opening to the games, as soon as you diverge you go back to acting like this is the anime-verse professor. All so your character can show off how special she is by wanting one.

Also, charmander have the highest attack of the three starters, and it’s grass that has the most weaknesses to things. But that’d get in the way of telling us that your sue is awesome.

Not only that, but she should know even better than Oak that she’ll have problems with a charmander, because everyone who’s played the games knows.

Here’s the thing. If you want to make a point about choosing a charmander, you could easily have Oak just saying it’s more delicate pokemon – which it is, its defense and HP are lowest of the three – and that makes it bad for a first pokemon. You could have her thinking about the fact it’ll have trouble at the first gym – or even have Oak point this out, depending on how much he’s thought about things. Anyone familiar with the games should be able to list off the many actual failings of charmander and anyone experienced could easily be confident they could handle it anyway, maybe referencing their previous games.

[I turned towards Oak questioningly. He seemed stunned at first before running a hand through his gray hair.
“I’m surprised he won against a water type, congrats to your first win.]

Why would Oak be surprised when both pokemon were just using normal moves? Stop trying to insist she’s super awesome when even newbies know better. We’ve all played the games. We all know that type advantage is meaningless if neither one has moves of that type.

[He grudging handed me 80 pokedollars.
Seeing my confusion, Oak explained]

But she plays the games, she shouldn’t be confused because she’d have already seen this play out.

Look, if you don’t want her to be thinking about the games at all, make it so this is the first time she’s ever played. There’s no amount of suspension of disbelief that’d let me believe that she’s played the games but has no thoughts on the fact she’s watching something she’s already been through as a player happen to her, no thoughts on her past experiences in the game, no mentions of how things are different, nothing.

I’m honestly baffled by this fic. It’s sort of like with Summoning, where it’s so clear how it should go and yet it somehow keeps avoiding that.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7730342/1/Pokemon_HeartGold_Nuzlocke

Repeating the opening of the game isn’t particularly interesting. Skip to whatever your plot is.

[in Pokemon eggs ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[I had always been fascinated with Pokemon, ever since I found out I could actually talk to them. ]

See, here’s the thing about that. The way the games and trainers work, pokemon function as pets. If they can think as well as people, and they can communicate that so people know this, you really have to think about how the structure of pokemon training would change.

[Cyndaquil said, ‘Yay, yay! Thankyou for choosing me!’
“Is it alright if I call you Will?” I asked him.
‘Yes, yes! I like the name Will!’ he said brightly. ‘What’s your name?’]

This, basically? Not it. Why didn’t the pokemon start talking before getting picked – and why didn’t she bother asking them their opinions? Why don’t they already have their own name?

You’re writing the cyndaquil like it has no personality beyond being her cheerleader. No opinions of its own, no background of its own, no name or real opinion on a name, just telling her she’s great.

[“Oh, shut up,” I sighed. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7730469/1/Marry_Me

[“That’s quite the question,” Dia turned from the computer and faced the blonde. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Songfic is banned.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7730484/1/Naomi_and_Nathans_Adventures

[your Pokemon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“You be careful out there, okay?” She said, ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[“Right, I know mom. ]

When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized. Otherwise, it’s written “mom” like any other ordinary word.

[He was about 5’02 ]

If you are giving someone’s height down to the inch, there’s no “about”, it’s exact. Also, no one gives someone’s height down to the inch in the first place. Just say he’s five feet tall.

Look, thousands of stories of a kid waking up and getting a pokemon have been written already. You don’t need to tell readers about it yet again. Skip to wherever your plot starts, we can fill in how they got a starter.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7730823/1/Brotherly_Affections

[Akai is a Japanese adj for red since the name ‘Red’ is already used by the Red from HGSS game. However, I couldn’t find any other alternatives for mangaRed (In Japanese, he was also called Red or Reddo in romanji) so I decided to translate it into Japanese instead so it won’t be confusing. Simply said Akai is manga!Red. ]

…because that’s so much less confusing.

[a Pikachu ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[and was their first Pokemon except for Fire ]

No, in Special his first pokemon is a poliwag and he doesn’t get a pikachu until several pokemon later.

[“Okay Red, try and imitate Pikachu.” Fire ordered.]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[ utter a single syllabus ]

Syllable.

[10 years old ]

Write out numbers with letters.

This seems plotless and OOC, and to only exist because you wanted to shove the four protagonists together.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7730913/1/Dreams_come_true

Capitalize your title properly.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7731038/1/The_Academy

[“Leaf honey can you get the mail!” My mum yelled ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[I’m 15 ]

Write out numbers with letters.

[child hood ]

One word.

[3rd Person POV ]

No. If you want to write in third, don’t open in first, go back and edit it so it’s all in the same POV.

[“The research team have out done themselves this time; they have gone to lengths such as family history, relationships and more detailing in backgrounds!” Wallace spoke in awe; you could swear you saw sparkles in his eyes. ]

Just so we’re clear, those are all bad criteria for who gets in. The fact one kid is related to a famous trainer and one isn’t shouldn’t change which of them is personally the better trainer.

[Pokémon attacks ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7731115/1/Meetings_A_Collection_of_Drabbles

Drabble = 100 words exactly. It’s a writing exercise, not a word for a short fic.

Write out numbers with letters.

[Green smirked his brown hair spiky on his 3 year old form smiling a toothy grin saying, ]

Your sentences are convoluted nightmares. Get a beta reader.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7731451/1/Spin_the_Barry

This is terrible. Look up a basic grammar guide before you post.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7731524/1/Angels_and_Arrows

[the legendary Pokémon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[She wore a simple, white, one shoulder dress that stopped just above her knees. She wore a simple pair of black ballet flats and had a slim golden band around her head. ]

Don’t repeat the same phrasing. Also, don’t go into this much detail about any one piece of clothing.

[“Enter” he said ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

I’m really not sure what you’re doing here. You’ve smushed angels into the setting and then announced the big plot will be about stopping demons, but you haven’t made any attempt to reconcile the existing setting, you just say that legendary pokemon work with human angels because that’s how things work. How can they be functioning as independents if God made everybody, and if God didn’t, then what exactly are the angels and how much authority does God and the rest have? Why an army made of empowered humans in a setting with empowered animals? How does this fit into a world where there are dark and ghost pokemon running around, as well as people who can channel the dead?

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7732238/1/Caramel

[The suns morning rays ]

Sun’s. Apostrophe for possessive.

And this is far too short for a first chapter. It’s nice you have something happening in the italics section, but as far as the normal section goes, you just describe the setting and end abruptly after giving fur color.

It’s nice to see you’re not capitalizing pokemon, though.

[anyways the text in italics is sorta what’s going to happen or what is happening and the normal text is a flash back, lets just say they are different times.]

Normal text should be used to mean the current setting, not some exception. That’s sort of what it being normal means. Also, it’s flashback, one word, and it’s “let’s”, because it’s short for “let us”.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7732238/2/Caramel

[though the fact it spoke a huh told me it wasn’t wild, though that didn’t relieve me ]

Don’t repeat words like that.

[it was a riolu-a bi-pedal dog of sorts, its arms were completely blue aside from a metallic dome just ahead of the wrists, his head was blue with two points on top at either side, below booth of them hung a black appendage, a black mask of fur went around his eyes and along the top of his snout, the top of his torso was black and met the bottom, blue half in a spiked pattern, the blue looked like pair shorts and ended just above the knee to reveal slim legs with a long step, only the toes of which were used for stepping. ]

And this is excessive description. Also, look at animals sometime, most mammals have that type of foot so it really doesn’t need to be brought up like it’s a weird exception.

This is the fourth or fifth time I’ve seen someone making a big deal about how riolu/lucario walk on their toes. Why?

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7732374/1/Changes

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7732309/1/Blue_Takes_On_Kanto

[my Mom ]

When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized. Otherwise, it’s written “mom” like any other ordinary word.

[where the past to Cinnabar Island goes. ]

I assume you mean path. It isn’t really a path either, it’s a route.

[the Magikarp ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“Hey.” I said. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[it’s advantages ]

“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.

Well, this is more interesting than the average opening for an OT fic. You do a decent job with describing Pallet and giving the sense that Blue lives in a place, not just a hastily constructed set. You’ve got minor grammar errors throughout, though, you should make sure to proofread.

Probably going to regret adding that because it’ll turn into a cookiecutter OT fic by the next chapter, but.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7732430/1/Adventure_X

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Speaking of such, you’re misspelling them. Look up the species before posting.

Try to set things up a bit better than Ash suddenly having an idea and Oak dropping everything to slap together a machine that somehow switches people. You’d be better served by having them already working on that and Ash not having the idea at all.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7732436/1/Heart_of_Crystal

[“I should really just start growing grass or something to start covering these burn holes,” I laughed ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[“It’s just a wonder that it doesn’t start a fire or something. The pure energy from today’s weapons is weird,” he commented. “It’s not like plasma or anything so it doesn’t light things on fire, but it’s strong enough to cut. It has form based on the crystal in the weapon, but no one can explain it.”
“Weird, but it keeps us alive,” I added, grabbing my sword and deactivating it rather than just pulling it out. “Though, I guess the fact that you think Zykite crystals are weird is understandable. They literally give out pure energy. You could compare it to some Pokémon attacks, like Flash Cannon, but that’s still not really getting close to the truth.”
“Seriously,” Trevor nodded. “We’re advanced to the point where we’re harnessing energy crystals for weapons, yet scientists don’t even know the origin or inner workings of a lot of it.]

No one ever talks like this. Do you get into a car and start rambling about how it’s amazing it can work and wow, internal combustion engine yet it doesn’t explode? Why do we live in a world where burning things give off energy?

If you absolutely must infodump, it goes in the narration, not in ridiculously forced conversations. In this case you don’t need to at all – it’s a lightsaber, it doesn’t need an extended discussion of the fact it cuts.

Also, swords are a terrible weapon and if they have anything resembling decent technology left they will not be using them. They are also a lame sueish weapon that appears in every other fanfic and so shouldn’t be appearing yet again.

[your Pachirisu ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[I’d imagine a lot of small spirit Pokémon’s Partners would give their Pokémon weaker and cheaper shields, relying on them not getting hit. ]

Considering they’re apparently extremely rare and valuable, that really doesn’t make sense and seems only there so the guy can get praised as a special exception.

I really can’t figure out the point of this. The majority of the setting seems completely different and the only thing that has anything to do with pokemon is a severely modified version of having a pokemon partner. It’s a JRPG magitech setting with summons you’re calling pokemon.

Blocked! That’s the second time, I think? People really need to get on blocking bandwagon so it happens enough it makes sense to check.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7732608/1/The_Fools_Royal_Quest

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Spellcheck.

There’s really no point in saying you’re setting things in regions that have only pokemon living there if all you do is have things play out like they’re basically human kingdoms.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7732639/1/The_Bet_crystalxgold

This is terrible. Look up a basic grammar guide before you post.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7732867/1/Breaking_Barriers

[as all the groups before them.” I thought out loud ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[No, of course not, that sounds incredibly faggot-y. ]

Die in a fire.

And we’d been doing so well this year.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7732938/1/World_of_Distortion

Your author’s note should not take up most of your chapter. You also have numerous errors, proofread better.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7732939/1/A_Life_of_Mindy

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7733184/1/Mislaid_Dreams

[the Pokémon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“I’m busy” the man began to walk away. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[“Are they yours?” She asked pensively and motioned to the Houndooms. She wasn’t sure if she should stop now but her curiosity got the best of her and she didn’t want to leave the Pokémon alone and tied up in the street.
“Yes, they’re as useless as they look too, that’s the third time they’ve missed their mark today, aint worth shit these damn mutts.” He threw a can out the window straight at her and as she dodged it she noticed with a wince that it wasn’t intended for her; it was meant for the man’s “mutts”.
“Their mark?” She asked, confused and suddenly aware that this might not have been the best time and place to strike up a conversation.
“Yeah, ya idiot, they were supposed to rob ya blind. Someone with as many badges as you must’ve got a fat purse, know what I’m sayin’?”]

…so this guy says he’s robbing people and is abusive to his pokemon.

[Touko continued to walk for another 15 minutes until she found what she was looking for; the Street Corner Café. ]

Therefore she wanders off, glad to be done with it, because she is a terrible person. Do you think at all about what you’re writing, or does nothing matter except the main character?

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7733238/1/Three_more_days

Capitalize your title properly.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Trainers start at ten. That means a kid can run off from home at ten, not eighteen. Even in our world kids can get emancipated at sixteen. And no matter what age you are you can’t be forced into a marriage and that’s grounds for losing custody.

4 Comments

  1. Dragonfree says:

    [This is the fourth or fifth time I’ve seen someone making a big deal about how riolu/lucario walk on their toes. Why?]

    I’d guess it’s because while most animals walk on their toes, most animals are also quadrupedal. So while Riolu/Lucario walking on their toes isn’t unusual, being bipedal and walking on their toes is a lot more so.

    1. Farla says:

       Maybe. But that setup’s incredibly common in anthro drawings, which the fandom’s lousy with. Haven’t people gotten used to it?

  2. Ember says:


    Die in a fire.”

    Hey, look, they changed it!  More proof that justified rudeness can pay off!  :D

    Looking forward to the renewed rumors that you tell people to kill themselves for having bad grammar. -_-

    1. Farla says:

      I’m thinking I might actually score a rumor I told someone to kill themselves for writing yaoi, from the way Dark waffles is running around.

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