Day 2 Pokemon Reviews (32)

Before we begin:

Sharing Grubloaf, a gift!

“Found it with Dualscar when we were FLARPing tonight. We divvied up the loot like usual, and I got this, but it doesn’t really look like proper treasure to me! Kinda old and boring and laaaaaaaame! So obviously I thought of you!”

This is so perfectly, perfectly Vriska.

Thanks so much for this! It’s lovely to see them having a peaceful breather, and the bit about ancestors was touching.


http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7697523/1/Pokemon_RED

[final two Pokemon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[the elite glared ]

Elite is not an appropriate epithet, so don’t try to use it as one.

Starting a story with a end of the line pokemon battle, then jumping to it all being just a dream is a terrible cliché that doesn’t even have the redeeming feature of being particularly interesting. The same is even more true of starting your story with the character waking up on the day they’re going off to become a trainer.

In this particular case, not only are you beginning with things everyone’s seen before, you’re not even doing it with a different character. Red’s story has been told and told and told. If there’s something different about your version, for god’s sake just jump to whatever point that is and start your story there instead of here.

[Downstairs, a woman was sitting in what would soon become her living room alone. The room itself was not sparse, holding a couch (upon which the woman sat) and several chairs. ]

Your sentence structure is a mess. There’s no need for that bit to be in parenthesis, and while I can generally understand what you’re trying to say, it’s worded terribly.

[You know I don’t like it when you do that!, replied the mouse ]

Never put a comma after another type of punctuation.

Letting pokemon talk opens up a whole new can of worms. If the rest of the characters never notice or care, then it’s a bunch of irrelevant dialogue just taking up space. If the characters do notice, then you have plotholes when you’re still writing it, as you do here, as the typical pokemon journey where all decisions are onesided and the pokemon are just ordered about by the trainer.

[As Red ran over to the lab (southeast from his home), he saw two of Oak’s assistants checking up on one now – a Tentacruel (which might have been wild, not that Red cared), a massive blue jellyfish with two red jewels symmetrically adorning its head (crown?) and one in front. ]

I’d go so far as to say you need a beta reader, this is just awful. It’s like you’re just saying things as they occur to you, without bothering to make sure they fit into the sentence properly let alone if it makes sense to be bringing them up at that point.

[the brown fox/dog/cat with a white-tipped tail known as an Eevee. Said fox-dog-cat gracefully leapt from his partner’s shoulder. ]

Furthermore you’re ignoring things like clarity in favor of your own pet descroptions that just confuse things. Everyone reading your story knows what an eevee looks like, and “eevee” is a more specific image than “fox/dog/cat” which tells you little more than that it’s furry, four legged, and has sharp teeth.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7697612/1/The_Demon_Inside

You should not be labeling things like [Flash back] and [Flash Back End], and also, it’s just flashback, one word.

[The smelling of burning flesh filled the air as a young Ash Ketchum watches his home town , mother, and mentor Professor Oak go up in flames . ]

You also shouldn’t have spaces before punctuation.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Also, your grammar is generally bad. You jump between tenses and a number of your sentences have major grammar errors. Get a beta reader.

[He sent out his Gible and shiny charmander]

Why does Ash have incredibly sueish pokemon? Gible isn’t found anywhere near and shinies are incredibly rare and their only purpose is to look extra special.

[A young man dressed in all black 6 foot 3 and 250 pounds ]

You rarely if ever need specific numbers for these things, and also grimdark supertall Ash is a ridiculous cliché.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7697635/1/A_Wedding

[You can move around just don’t do anything that will disturb the wedding ceremony inside the church now.” Professor Rowan said ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7697843/1/If_This_Was_A_Movie

[“Ill.” I said, forcing out a cough.]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[I was 17 ]

Write out numbers with letters.

[I had read fanfictions about people, mainly girls, who had fallen into strange worlds and one of the things people always complained about was the reasoning as to why you would just walk through a door into another world. I’m a very nosy person and this was the ultimate form of temptation.
I knew I was in a strange world because: A) it was night here while it was only 11am back home; and B) according to my calculations, this door should lead to my downstairs bathroom not a forest.]

Oh, come on, you can do better than that.

She needs to actually react to the fact she’s seeing something unbelievable. Reactions obviously can vary a lot, but they should never be calm and boring like this. And if she’s familiar with the tropes, involved, she should be doing more than just blindly acting them out. For example, one common feature in these stories is that once you go through you can’t get back easily, so having her get a bunch of items would work if she’s sensible, having her scribble a quick note for if she’s the impatient sort, and trying to find some way to make sure she wouldn’t lose the door, like tying a rope to something in her house and going through with it would show she’s the experimental sort.

Also, you just spent the opening establishing her as a shut-in who’s been in this giant house for two weeks and hasn’t explored it. If you want her to be curious, say she’s just moved in and have her turn down her friend because she wants to explore as soon as possible.

[Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a little deer a little way off
“Here deer-y, deer-y, deer-y.” I coaxed, turning off my torch. The deer looked up at me and backed away.]

I realize that the fact she thinks you can get deer closer to you by making noise establishes she doesn’t have any experience with wildlife, but even still, I’d think anyone would be able to tell the difference between a deer in our world and a deerling. And she’s playing the game, so she would know exactly what she was seeing.

[The Deerling ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“What’s your name?”
“Seraphina.”]

Oh come on. Give her a real name, not a sue name.

[I turned and walked back to the garage. I must either be dreaming or Tesco had drugged my noodles: cause never mind Narnia, I had a door to Pokémon Black in my garage! ]

See, this is a real problem. Your character reads as completely flat. She’s explaining she’s surprised instead of showing it. This is an issue a lot of first person stories have, which is why third is generally better for most stories.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7697843/2/If_This_Was_A_Movie

[“Sera.” I said, taking my purse out of my bag. As I opened it, I realised that the door had changed my pounds to Pokédollars. Thank you door!]

Ugh.

Look, stories are about people overcoming challenges. If you make it clear that you’re going to just make any challenge that comes up disappear, your story isn’t interesting. If you really don’t want to deal with this, there are less clumsy ways of doing it, like just saying they’re using the same money. The only reason to do something like this is if the way the door is warping everything to be her perfect wish-fulfillment story is meant to be a plot point.

[“Where are you going? He said “If you’re going past the bridge, I’ll escort you.]

You’re missing quotation marks.

Also, the way Ryan is insisting on hanging out with her isn’t really justified in the story, it’s just happening.

[I decided that a little sing-song was in order, but (unfortunately) the only songs I could think of were the Pokémon Theme Song, I’m Like A Bird by Nelly and that bicycle song by Queen that is overused a lot.
“I WANT TO RIDE MY BICYCLE!” I sang “I WANT TO RIDE MY BIKE!”
But the time we were in Pinwheel Forest, both Ryan and I were singing loudly and getting a lot of stares.]

Please don’t do stuff like this. It’s far less clever than you think it is and just comes off as trying to look cool and quirky instead of actually being so. Your character shouldn’t behave like a bored you with friends in the real world when they’re around strangers in another one.

[“It’s eight o’clock.” Ryan said, as we passed the cafe in Nacrene City. “Would you like breakfast, Sera?” he added rather shyly, not meeting my eyes.]

They met because he’d lost his wallet. He hasn’t found it. So he couldn’t pay for his food and it makes no sense for him to then argue he’d pay for her meal.

[“No, I own you. I’ll pay.” Ryan said]

An unfortunate typo and you lost a period. You have got to proofread better.

You’re also overrelying on dialogue. You need more narration.

Honestly, this is just a very lackluster story. You introduce a fantastic element, then have the character proceed to ignore it in favor of a standard romance that isn’t really any different than if it was a pokemon-verse character running into N.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7697865/1/sarahs_journey

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7697955/1/Laws_of_White_Fedora

Drabble = 100 words exactly. It’s a writing exercise, not a word for a short fic.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7698008/1/Peyton_the_Nuzlocke_Master

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Spellcheck.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7698034/1/Pokemon_Mystery_dungeon_Team_Starlight

Capitalize your title properly.

[First our heroes: ]

You shouldn’t need to give character bios for your characters. If it’s relevant it belongs in the story anyway. If it’s not, don’t mention it in the first place.

Write out numbers with letters.

[“Natalie! Over here” upon hearing her friend’s voice ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[“Yet again the first years take our seat” Louisa complained. Louisa was tall for her age at 5″7; she had long blonde hair and blue eyes. “Don’t worry they’ll move soon they always do” Sarah told her. Sarah was the shortest in the group; she had long curly dark brown hair and blue eyes. “I don’t mind just as long as we don’t have to sit near the boys” Sally said. Sally was a little taller than Sarah: she had straight dark brown hair and blue eyes. “I agree with Sally the boys are always so loud” Natalie put in. Natalie was almost as tall as Louisa; Natalie had long light brown (almost blonde) hair that was almost as curly as Sarah’s and blue eyes. They all wore the school uniform navy blue trousers, blue jumper, light blue shirt (or t-shirt) and black shoes. ]

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

And don’t infodump. Bring up new details as they come up, not all at once.

[“Sally you are a Chickorita. Sarah you are a Mudkip. Louisa you are a Tepig and I am an Eevee.” Natalie told them. ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“We may not remember much about our pasts but with all of us together we can figure it out.” ]

Except you didn’t bother having them forget their pasts, they only were confused by why they were currently pokemon.

You have a lot of basic grammar errors in this story, you need to proofread better as well as get a beta reader to help you.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7698401/1/Winning_the_World_hopefully

Capitalize your title properly.

[Im fine ]

Spellcheck should have caught that. Also, proofread.

[My Mama ]

When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized. Otherwise, it’s written “mom” like any other ordinary word.

[Anyway, my name’s Mudkipz ]

No, it isn’t. Characters should have real names, not online nicknames.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“I’m fine, Na.” I said ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

In general your grammar is terrible, get a beta reader.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7698465/1/You

[My mom’s Pokemon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[You had to get special permission to go on a journey from, of course, the professor of the region. ]

This doesn’t make the slightest bit of sense. Trainers are always running across other trainers to battle with. If training is heavily restricted, where are they all coming from?

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7698498/1/R_Black_Diamond_and_White_Pearl

[Once upon a time, where a land covered with Pokémon and people lived together in sweet harmony. Lived a beautiful young co-ordinater, her hair was a Gorgeous; glistening Midnight blue colour witch glistened in the morning sun. ]

Your sentences are fragments.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Coordinator is one word.

You’re abusing semicolons.

You mean “which”, not “witch”.

In short, you need to get a beta reader.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7698626/1/The_Type_Tournament

[of Pokémon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“Unova, are you ready to BATTLE?” The announcer bellowed ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Okay, look. You know those interviews and stuff they do for games? Those are filler. They are there to take up space and time. You do not need filler in your fanfic, ever. This entire chapter is nothing but introducing boring people and listening to them saying boring things instead of anything happening.

[“We’ll be back after this short commercial break to show the representatives for the last eight teams, stay tuned.”]

And apparently next chapter is just more filler. Count me out.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7698643/1/Invader_Pokemon

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

[While standing up, he noticed that he wasn’t in (insert place where they live here) ]

Also just generally, you need to at least try to put some effort into what you’re doing.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7698714/1/Pokemon_Live_At_The_Apollo

Terrible and basically plagiarism.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7698814/1/Pokemon_OneShots

[greatest Pokemon master ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“Ash!” A voice called to me. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7698814/2/Pokemon_OneShots

This is really not good. There’s no real sense of a story here – you’re just summarizing events we saw in canon and without any sort of different spin on it.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7698905/1/Unknown

[a wild Unknown ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Also, it’s spelled “unown”.

[To confuse me even more, the glyphs changed to say ‘Please play with me Ben!’ ]

…I wouldn’t really call that confusing. Worrying, but not so much confusing.

[“Luxray, I think I’m done here.” I said it with a mixture of fear and confusion in my voice. ]

Generally it’s better to be more succinct than “a mixture of fear and confusion in my voice”. “Nervously” would have covered things fine.

[Your a smart one.” said the kirlia/human mix. ]

Your” is possessive, as in, your story, “you’re” means “you are”.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7699134/1/The_Anarchy_Brothers

[LINES LINES LINES]

There are many decent options for scene breaks and this isn’t one of them.

[Drew tried to ignore the annoying thing poking the side of his face, “Dreeeew! Are you listening to me?”]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[greenette ]

No. Just no.

You also have a great deal of typos. Proofread better and look into a beta reader.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7699228/1/Soul_Journey

[WARNING: Expect bad grammar!]

No. Put effort into fixing it instead.

[Welcome to the world of pokemon and while there’s a whole world of different pokemon and regions we are going to Johto to follow the story of a 17 yearold girl, who’s about to begin her journey. ]

We already know.

Write out numbers with letters.

Spellcheck.

Trainers start at ten.

[(New Bark Town)]

Don’t do this, stuff like this belongs in the story itself.

Starting the story with the main character waking up to become a trainer is terribly overdone and boring as hell. Figure out where your story’s plot starts, then start the story at the same point.

[Anya’s eye shot open in panic,” oh no not again!”]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[Prof. Elms lab. ]

Use apostrophes for possessives.

[Elm stated ]

Don’t use stated.

[“Aren’t you a little old?” he asked looking her up and down as she stood.
“Yeah my mom wanted me to finish my studies and schooling before I could start, but now I’m here,” Anya stated quickly]

No. This is a terrible cliché that doesn’t even work. It’s stated across multiple canons that kids take time off from school when they’re young, then go back.

[It’s good to see two future rivals getting along ]

Getting two pokemon at the same time doesn’t mean the characters have to be rivals.

[Chicorita ]

Chikorita. Look up the spelling if you’re not sure.

[ok ]

Okay, four letters.

[Ok let go catch our fist pokemon.” ]

And just in general your story is absolutely riddled with errors. Proofread.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7699245/1/The_Next_Region_Dawns_Hoenn_Adventure

[“Of course, mom!]

When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized. Otherwise, it’s written “mom” like any other ordinary word.

[“I see,” Johanna nodded, “Are you taking all your pokemon with you?”]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[my Mamoswine]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

This entire chapter seems like filler. You’re just going on about her decision to go somewhere more interesting, which isn’t necessary – you can just start the story and have all this assumed.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7699283/1/Paradox

[asked a guy with dark grey jeans, a black t-shirt, a white vest, aqua blue sneakers and an orange and black cap. ]

Don’t infodump. Give details when they come up, not in one giant lump.

[“Maybe.” said ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[I’m 13 years old ]

Write out numbers with letters.

First person is generally a bad idea for these sorts of stories, where the characters already have problems coming off as flat and boring.

[The walls were green, a neutral shade of green. Not too dark, not too light. A dark brown desk was under the window, on top of it was my new PC. I liked my PC, but my Internet wasn’t very good. Also, there was my Nintendo DS Lite, which, unlike some of my friends’ was on perfect conditions, although it had some months. I continued looking. Next to the desk was a chair. Typical office chair. Black with small wheels. On the right of the desk was a shelf. The first three shelves (duh) had only books. The other two had miscellaneous things: some boxes, a box with toys (Lego), my set of Pokémon cards, etc. I always liked Pokémon. Yeah. There also were some of my notebooks. I was home teached, and my mom knows a lot. Because of that she is the Pokémon Professor, I suppose. There was my XTransceiver. It was green, ’cause it was a special edition. I really liked my things. On the chair were my grey jeans and my favourite black t-shirt. I looked at my bed. It had a Pokéball design. But not small Pokéballs scattered in the cover. The top half was red, in the middle had a black circle and a black line and the bottom was white. The windows were open. A lot of light entered my room. I looked at the floor. Dark brown tiles. And next to my bed, a carpet. Yeah, I liked my room. ]

No really, don’t do this.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or internet.

Spellcheck.

Trainers start at ten.

The late-for-the-first-pokemon thing is a horrible cliché.

[“Hi mom!”]

When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized. Otherwise, it’s written “mom” like any other ordinary word.

The kid getting a special super rare pokemon in place of the normal starters that are all gone is an even more horrible cliché.

…and it’s a shiny. Of course.

[“You are going to travel together.” We instantly stopped talking to glance at her.
“W-what? Me, traveling with… him?” said Sam, and looked at me like you look at something that you just stepped on.
“Don’t worry, I don’t want to travel with you neither.” I countered.
“Not asking. Zack, this is an order.” ]

And now another cliché, though I admit stories normally at least try to make it seem halfway plausible instead of just ordering the two together.

[Got it! How ’bout the name Jellybean?” I asked to the Solosis. Always good with the nicknames. ]

It’s generally a bad idea to compliment yourself like this.

As with most OT fics, this is just a long string of rehashing stuff that’s already been covered hundreds of times before. I assume you have some sort of plot for this – skip ahead to whenever that actually starts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7699510/1/Red

[Yuna: Warning! Warning! There may or may not be any of the following within the story! This includes: Mary Sues/Gary Stus, Blood, Violence, Bad Puns, Bashings ]

[Gin: Flames shall NOT be tolerated. If you do NOT like anything of the things mentioned above, please leave and pretend to have never even seen this fic. ]

Well, at least you’re up front about the fact your fic’s terrible. Kudos for that!

Also their grammar hurts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7699604/1/Tuba_Butt

[Meloetta (in her normal, aria form) ]

You shouldn’t need parenthesis there. Just describe her.

[Two Bellossom ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“Heh! Your butt sure is musical.” Genesect joked as he kept chuckling, “They should call you Tuba Butt.” ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[Your farting your fat out!” ]

Your” is possessive, as in, your story, “you’re” means “you are”.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7699750/1/Having_it_all

Capitalize your title properly.

[his Pikachu]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[the bosses Pursian ]

Boss’s, and persian.

[“I can’t believe you got us lost” Jessie complained to her partner “Only you would get us lost!” ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You have a lot of errors in this. Get a beta reader.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7699815/1/Strange_things_happen_when_Ash_actually_ages

Capitalize your title properly.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

[ash’s ]

Proofread.

[said “Wait for me!” ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[its nice ]

“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.

[Pallet town ]

It’s Pallet Town because both words are part of its name.

[She called gyaradose (If its spelled wrong forgive me k?) ]

No. You have access to the internet in order to post this fic, and that means you’re damn well capable of googling to check the spelling of gyarados.

In conclusion, learn to proofread.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7699834/1/Unexpected_surprises

Capitalize your title properly.

[world of Pokemon. ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[I got expelled because I was lazy and didn’t do what I was assigned. ]

That isn’t how school works.

[Mom on the other hand, she went a bit crazy when I told her I didn’t like Pokemon and that I didn’t believe in Arceus. She’s really into the whole,” Worshiping Arceus and if you don’t believe him in, you’ll get sent to where Giratina is!” deal. I straight out called her a nutcase because how the hell am I supposed to believe that a supernatural being created the Earth? ]

This is not a particularly believable depiction. Kids don’t necessarily adopt their parents’ beliefs, but they aren’t going to treat it as bizarre either. Also, disliking pokemon for being superpowered monsters has nothing to do with not believing that a particular superpowered monster exists.

…and now you’re painstakingly describing her. Look, it really doesn’t matter if you say she’s got curves in all the right places or she’s on the chubby side, it’s just not important. If you’re concerned about people liking your OC, the first and biggest consideration is not wasting times on unnecessary and boring details about her.

[“Well, I won’t keep you!” She smiled that “I’m better than you, and you know it” look. “Anyways, I’m taking the Pokemon League Challenge and that’s yet another thing I’ll beat you in!”
Oh boy, another thing I didn’t care about. Did she ever stop talking? Holy crap, this bitch was giving me a headache. But I couldn’t let her keep me down.
“Hey, I know some about Pokemon!” I burst out and she sneered at me.]

If she doesn’t care so much, why does she care suddenly? Just so you can show her getting picked on by the mean popular girl, who, incidentally, not really coming off that bad when your character is being far nastier.

Picture someone coming up to you and saying they can kick your ass at collecting dog shit. Unless you’re unbelievably competitive, your response is going to be to laugh at them and tell them to have fun. At most you might be annoyed they kept telling you about it, but in that case why would you encourage them to keep talking about the thing you don’t care about by claiming to know about the thing you, again, don’t care about?

[“See? Thos proves it!” She tapped my head.”You’re clueless!”]

Proofread. Also, she has a point.

Or put another way, you’re way too in love with your character. You clearly think I’m supposed to automatically assume she’s in the right and hate the other girl for being mean, despite the fact the main character is being even cattier and is acting like a dumbass. And more generally, you think I’m already deeply invested in her and her middle school drama.

Get to the point. This story is apparently about a girl who ends up being a trainer despite not liking them. Instead of wasting time having her just wander around, get to that point and have her dealing with pokemon instead of acting out your grudges against the evil popular girls.

…and blocked! I was wondering when I’d run into this. Sadly, as you can see, blocking’s not common enough that I check regularly.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7700036/1/Pokemon_Platinum_The_Dante_Chronicles

[its Pokerus]

“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.

[the Pokemon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[The camera pans in ]

No it doesn’t, because you’re writing a story, not a script.

[Dante’s bedroom with some beautiful Cherubi curtains hanging from them. Large Bronzor pillows rested on top of a King size bed that had Pokeball patterned covers hanging over the sides. A large wooden desk sat in the corner with an Hoothoot alarm clock sitting on it. Dante’s room also had a large flat screen TV against the wall with a Nintendo Wii connected to it. If you must know Dante’s favorite Wii game was Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword. ]

We don’t need to know that or anything else in this paragraph. It’s just a bunch of irrelevant detail.

[Really there wasn’t anything of note in Twinleaf Town probably except for the fact that the Rowan Laboratory where Professor Rowan studied Pokemon breeding and he was even credited with the discovery of Pokemon Eggs wasn’t located there. ]

What?

Opening the story with someone waking up to leave on their pokemon journey is horribly overdone. If you have a plot, skip to when that starts. If you don’t, figure out what your plot is, because kid walking around having pokemon battles isn’t one.

[“Uh…Alright? Just be careful try not to cause him too many problems!” smiled Johanna seeing him off.]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[Don’t worry mom! ]

When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized. Otherwise, it’s written “mom” like any other ordinary word.

[The girl then said. “You really are a useless pervert.” she then sighed heavy. “Chimchar’s a Fire-Type Pokemon right? So use a Fire- Type attack, AND STOP CALLING ME BABY!” ]

Heavily. And if she knows this kind of thing, why is she standing around trying to get him to help instead of grabbing a pokeball and doing it herself? They’re clearly a pair of useless morons.

Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7700118/1/Just_a_Pothole

[So read and tell me what you think sorry if parts are weird I was kinda doopy feeling when writing this ]

Then save the file and look over it again later before posting.

[“Oh like you’re up.” Daisy said with a smile. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[I glared at her my red with anger ]

Proofread. This is full of typos, dropped words and missing punctuation.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7700355/1/How_To_Attract_a_Girl

[Suspended in the cold night was the white hollowed moon glowing in pride after stealing the sun’s rays of light and claiming them for itself. The moon could care less about the vengeful wrath of the menacing fireball that manipulated the planets and the directional fate of orbit for every living thing on Earth. The mischievous floating rock decided to rebel by playfully hiding half of its spherical presence on this particular night.]

This is trying way, way too hard.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7700384/1/Your_Epic_Failure

This is an incoherent mess.

A lot of people this time around have author notes mentioning they want criticism. Not sure where this came from or what it means yet.

2 Comments

    1. Farla says:

      “A lot of people this time around have author notes mentioning they
      want criticism. Not sure where this came from or what it means yet.”

      Interrupted then forgot I hadn’t finished the sentence. My nights are too hectic.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *