Day 5 Pokemon Reviews (28)

I remembered that it’s not like I willingly read romance and main canon character fic willingly anyway, so cutting them out to fester in their ignorance of how to punctuate fucking dialogue god damn people why so hard. If anyone else wants to play concrit blanketing with me, I can post whatever I didn’t touch for you to review.

With luck the press will reduce enough that I can go back to playing my game.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7707062/1/A_Dark_Fairytail

[pink cat-like Pokemon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“Mew, I’ve been waiting for you.” A low voice said.]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[MewTwo ]

Don’t put a capital letter in the middle of a word like that.

In terms of plot, this really seems incredibly convoluted and involving far too many made up additions rather clumsily bolted onto the canon world.

[The title is supposed to be tail instead of tale, because its a pun. ]

What pun? Also, “it’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7707322/1/A_Bond_Across_Time

[leant ]

Leaned.

[“I think she went this way, Sir!” A whiny voice called out as footsteps grew closer.]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[the group of Pokémon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

You realize there are an awful lot of these novelizations already, right?

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7707800/1/Pokemon_Kohala_Region

[Rob Letham, Melissa Englehart, Alyse Hopkins, Kenny Cravotta, Ashley Holsinger, Justyne Catalano, Rick Wood, Dan Weissert, Jordan Painter, Tim Savinda, Renee Savinda, Trisha Letham, Ruth Cravotta, Cosimo Cravotta, and Ashley Freeman are all in the front row watching the battle. At home, Ash Ketchum, Delia Ketchum, Professor Samuel Oak, Tracey Sketchit, Gary Oak, Professor Elm, Brock, Flint, Lola, Brock’s siblings, Misty, May, Max, Norman, Caroline, Dawn, and Johanna are watching the battle. ]

If you ever find yourself writing an endless list of names again, stop. This isn’t saying anything useful.

[Everybody is out of their seats watching the intense battle. ]

And also stop repeating “watching the battle”.

[Chase’s Typhlosion ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“We Will Carry On” by Adam Elk begins to play on the loudspeaker.]

No, it doesn’t. Life does not provide a convenient soundtrack.

Also, your battle should not be 80% other people talking about how awesome the battle is.

In fact, in general your story should not be boring chatter. If all of this is just setup for him going to a new region, skip it and just say it happened.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7707926/1/The_Fanged_Moon_War

[it’s nose ]

“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.

[team Magma ]

It’s part of the name, so you capitalize “team”.

[We had nothing to do with it…until team Magma and Aqua attacked two spots in Hoenn. Ever Grande City, severely injuring several hundred civilians living there, and killing a few dozen, and Devon Corporation, killing Champion Steven’s Father and injuring several other executives. ]

A few dozen people dying is actually not a big deal on a war scale. That’s moderately competent terrorism level. The correct response from Hoenn would just be to beef up their own security and borders. Also, if Hoenn was staying out of the war it makes little sense that the teams would target them in the first place while they’re busy with the other regions.

[Heard about the war?” He asked, ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[Maybe they’ll mostly have pokemon for the soldiers… Even though it’s a horrible crime.” ]

Why would that be a crime?

[tourtured ]

Spellcheck.

[with Indigo in the legendary birds ]

Don’t capitalize random words.

[(Gosh that was long and repetitive) ]

Don’t put notes in your text, ever. Also, if it’s long and repetitive, instead of pointing it out, fix it.

[They had raised the age limit five years ago due to a high number of kidnappings and death’s among ten year old travelers.]

No, because it’s not like it’s so much harder to kidnap fifteen year olds. This is a very common and very tired excuse that doesn’t lead to good writing.

Also, it’s “deaths”. Apostrophes are for possessives.

[“Because our army is very low on people, every able bodied person from 14 to 30 excluding working parents and single parent familes with be drafted into the war.” ]

This makes no sense. They’re voluntarily entering this war and it’ll be a matter of sending whatever forces they can spare over to help in another region. You don’t draft your population down to the fourteen year olds under those circumstances. Also, thirty-one year olds are perfectly good fighters – certainly better than fourteen year olds. Forty is common even when people aren’t strapped for soldiers, by the time you’re seriously considering kids you’d be eying the sprier sixty year olds.

This is particularly absurd in light of the idea this is a place that coddles their kids to the point of banning them from traveling around with pokemon until age fifteen.

Also, the vast majority of parents work, so they’ve just excluded a huge chunk of their population right there.

[“Ms. Daleheart chuckled coldy at a few citizens who had tried to leave the crowd or escape.
“Don’t bother. We have trained soldiers surrounding Littleroot. There is no chance of escaping.”]

So the draft is because they have barely have an army, but it’s big enough to control the civilian population and be called out like this. Also, they’re apparently living under some form of dictatorship, which means they’d need a reasonable army just to control their own population.

[You will now return to your homes. Soldiers will be by to collect what is due.” ]

You’re missing the first quotation mark. Proofread.

Also, telling people they can’t just leave when they’re gathered in a single location and angry is going to get you a riot. The soldiers apparently are nowhere near, since they’re guarding the borders of the town itself. Why do they quietly go back to their homes instead?

[“I will dad ]

When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized. Otherwise, it’s written “dad” like any other ordinary word.

[My father reached the door and pulled it open, revealing five armed soldiers and a truck at the end of our driveway. ]

Where are they getting all these soldiers when they have a tiny military?

[“Right. Private Adams, bind em.” He growled. A soldier saluted him and stepped forward, two pairs of handcuffs in hand. ]

Why would they handcuff the new recruits who are coming with them without a fight?

[In a flash of movement he grabed something from his belt and slashed it once across Zach’s face. I screamed as the guard dropped him, smirking. Zach was screaming, his hands covering his left eye. Blood seeped from under his fingers. ]

If they’re desperately undermanned, why would they be injuring a kid who’d be within recruiting age in a little while and now will just be taking up more resources getting care for his injury? Also, why would they be using this sort of force when they should be badly outnumbered by the civilian population and want to avoid a riot?

[Some were even proud, they had relatives that were fighting already, or wished to avenge a death. ]

No, because you said Hoenn wasn’t in the war yet and you also said Hoenn was an extremely isolated region so it’s unlikely there would be many people with relatives in the other region who were involved in the fight already, and it can’t be to avenge the deaths on Hoenn soil because they were only a few dozen so very few others in turn would have relatives whose deaths they wanted to avenge.

More, even if there were people who wanted to go to war, most would object to a draft of this magnitude and everyone would object to a draft of any magnitude where you’re dragged from your home in chains.

In sum, this all just seems like poorly thought out grimdark.

Drafting kids is something that happens when you’re out of adults for some reason, and the sort of government that can do things people hate without caring about their opinions is one that would already be relying on a standing army just to keep in power. If you want this, you should have them already in the war and having their existing forces be not enough. Up the death toll of the attacks significantly as well. And you’d probably be better served by saying Hoenn did stay out of the war, only for the teams to win the other areas and then turn their sights to Hoenn. Have the announcement be that the draft is being expanded (on both sides – if you’re taking fourteen year olds you can certainly take fifty year olds) instead of announced for the first time – as a bonus, that would mean most of the healthy people capable of putting up a fight if they objected are already on the front lines, plus the people would have had time to get used to the idea that they need to do everything they can or risk losing.

Also, a country that’s overprotective of their kids to the point of upping the trainer age wouldn’t do this. It’d make more sense to have your characters be former trainers instead – they left at age ten, fooled around a while and ended up coming back home in a year or so like most people. If you don’t want them to have any pokemon, say they gave the pokemon away to other trainers or released them.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7708141/1/Resolve

[“You are Touko, I presume?” The woman on the Laptop screen asked. She was a Professor that a trusted acquaintance told me about. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[colleege ]

Spellcheck.

[I stated. ]

Don’t use stated. Generally don’t try too hard to avoid said, but don’t use stated at all.

[‘A little…?’ I thought.]

Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to the ” for speech and makes it look like the character is talking out loud.

[Chapter One End
Chapter Two]

Either use the chapter feature or post all of it written as a single chapter.

Don’t switch between first and third person.

…and apparently she has a ridiculous number of pokemon including legendaries for some reason.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7708284/1/Sinnohs_Savior

[This trainer was 16 years old ]

Write out numbers with letters.

[“It sure does feel good to finally just sit back and relax instead of trying to avoid being mobbed by reporters and fans a Salamence”
Garrett asked his longtime partner pokemon]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Also, you shouldn’t separate the lines like that. And you’re missing a period at the end.

[“Hey your Garrett right” asked the little boy]

Look, this is just a disaster. It’s not hard to use punctuation. Just google for basic rules if you’re not familiar with them.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7708460/1/Pokemon_Violet

[I was born in a place where Pokemon were just animals. ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[I was born in a place where Pokemon were just animals. They weren’t pets. They weren’t even used for battle. I’d heard about it but in the place I used to live, there wasn’t really such a thing. Pokemon were just Pokemon. Animals that were wild and free. People could interact with them, but never owned them. I left that place a few months ago though, and now live in Cherrygrove City, where like most places in this world, Pokemon are used for battling and as pets kept in poke balls. ]

This is a really repetitive paragraph. You don’t need to repeat over and over again that pokemon were animals and not pets or used for battles.

I also don’t see how such a place could possibly work when it seems people need pokemon just for such routine things as traveling between towns.

[I am 23 years old ]

Write out numbers with letters.

[to get excite ]

Excited. You have a number of these mistakes throughout. If you have a lot of trouble with grammar, you need a beta reader.

[My Vaporeon gave birth! Those Pokemon are called Eevees! And I going to be giving them to loving homes but I figure that since you never had one, and most of these will be going to a home out of town, that you should take one as your first Pokemon! ]

Eevee are terribly, terribly overused. And going off their rarity in canon and how difficult they are to hatch in the games, it doesn’t make much sense they’d be having litters with as little fuss as the average pet dog. Really. There are plenty of better pokemon to hand her.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7708460/2/Pokemon_Violet

[There was a rustle in a bush near by and Sakura jump out of my arms and starts to growl. “What’s wrong, Sakura?” Just as soon as I finish saying that, a rather large Eevee with purple eyes comes out and was limping. ]

Really, just no. They’re an incredibly rare, incredibly pricey thing in canon, and they’re terribly overused in fanfic as both gifts and just happening to tumble injured out of bushes. It’d have been more interesting to have her helping an injured beedrill rather than finding the ubersue pokemon and running from beedrill.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7709012/1/Poke_Effect_The_Beginning

[“Hello, soldier Wilson.” The person greeted.]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Also, if you’re using it as a title, “soldier” is capitalized.

[“The Armor has prototype power plant based on a small fusion reactor located on its back. The energy produced powers the primary energy shield, your personal shield and the weapon. The P.E.S., located on the helmet, is your first line of defense against ranged attacks that forms a two-meter diameter ball around you. The P.S., located on the chest, was added for melee combats as the main reason, but it can also absorb ranged attacks.”
“Wow, so much power in one place.” I said in awe.
“Finally, the energy produced is also used to launch attacks with your weapon. It flows through several power wires which are connected to the weapon. There are four types of attacks that Armor can perform:
1) Electric Cannon – If you wanna just stun your enemies, this is the most appropriate attack. This attack fires 50,000 volts shots that, on organic life forms, will paralyze them for one hour.
2) Blaster Machine Gun – Recommend using when you are facing multiple enemy personnel. It fires rapid firing blaster shots. No charging is required.
3) Plasma Cannon – Recommend using when you are facing heavily armored units. One charged shot is able to destroy a heavy steel armor.
4) Ion Beam Cannon – The most powerful attack which needs to be charged before launched. WARNING: A long charged Ion Beam Cannon may cause mass destruction damages.
5) Saber – Recommend using when you are facing melee battles. Your weapon transforms the energy from the reactor into a green light that is focused and it assumes a form of a saber.”]

This is pretty ridiculous and sueish, and also seems drastically off theme in a pokemon story.

[so called Pokémon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Latias and Latios are not actually transformed into humans. It’s just an illusion. That means they can’t be jumped while in human form.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7709155/1/PokeJourney_Episode_1_World_of_Self_Destruction

This is terrible. Look up a basic grammar guide before you post.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7709183/1/Pokemon_Mystery_Dungeon_Explorers_of_the_World

[ghoul like ]

Ghoul-like.

[three other Pokemon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[He replied, “I’m a human.”
Roy was taken aback when he heard that. What was this Pokemon saying? “Really? You look like a totally normal Mudkip to me!”]

Look, the whole opening has been redone over and over and over. It’s a PMD fic, we don’t need it explained that a character woke up as a pokemon and blurts out that they’re human to another local pokemon. Skip to something relevant.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7709191/1/Another_day

Capitalize your title properly.

[Kyle yawned,it ]

You need a space after punctuation. Also, your formatting is generally awful.

[(”guess I must have drank to much soda,damn to self: never
participate in a soda drinking challenge if you don’t want to turn your night to
day.”)He thought to himself ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Also, don’t use ” for thoughts at all.

[chuby ]

Spellcheck.

Learn to proofread.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7709231/1/Enter_the_Apocalypse_Emerald_Hard_Mode

[a Pokémon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“I looked older mummy,” ]

When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized. Otherwise, it’s written “mom” like any other ordinary word.

[“That’s where you’re wrong. You see, the professors of each region have to be smart yes, but they also need to be able to see the potential in trainers. And there is a lot of potential in you.” ]

Ugh ugh ugh. You should never have people tell the reader that your character is just that insanely special.

And you didn’t even need this from a plot perspective because he says no anyway and is forced into being a trainer for a completely different reason. Just have the professor offer it to him normally without a speech about how he’s so inherently awesome the professor can see it despite him never touching a pokeball before.

I will say that at least you’ve successfully justified why the world would be functioning on nuzlocke rules. That’s usually the biggest problem with fanfics using the system.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7709476/1/When_Two_Are_One

[“Zorr…” The tricky fox Pokémon purred ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7710021/1/The_Tiger_And_The_Dragon

This is terrible. Look up a basic grammar guide before you post.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7710066/1/Look_Not_Into_The_Eyes

[An Umbreon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

This is far too short for a first chapter, it’s barely a scene. You haven’t done much to establish any of the characters or why we should care about them.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7710127/1/Just_Like_Us

[the Altaria ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Looks like you’re punctuating dialogue correctly, that’s good to see.

[“Well, there’s The Ice Queen,” Blue Eyes said, pointing out ten stars that made a shape much like a Froslass. “Legends say that she tried to freeze Darkrai, who then hurled her into the sky. Then there’s the Knight.” Blue Eyes traced some stars that looked like a Gardevoir. “The Gardevoir saved his love, an Alakazam, from the grasp of a Xatu. In retaliation, the Xatu cursed the Gardevoir and the Alakazam so that when they died, they wouldn’t go to Giratina. Instead, they would be engraved in the sky for eternity. He meant for the two to be separated, but their love was so strong that they remained together.” ]

This is a nice bit of detail. You generally do pretty well at the dialogue in this.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7710482/1/The_Prophecy

[“Hey, Raya. What are you up to?” A familiar voice greeted, ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[“You’re right. The constellations are very…unique, to put it simply.”
“That isn’t unique!” Rayanne nearly shrieked. “That’s not even normal!The way the stars line up…something big is going to happen!” ]

…I feel like you don’t quite understand what the words you’re using means. Unique has nothing to do with being normal. And stars aren’t surprising, if they’re coming into a particular alignment it wouldn’t shock anyone to see because they move according to set patterns.

If you want her to be responding to an unforeseen change in the night sky, that’d be a star flaring up or going out, not stars lining up.
[“Hey, Raya. What are you up to?” A familiar voice greeted, ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[“You’re right. The constellations are very…unique, to put it simply.”
“That isn’t unique!” Rayanne nearly shrieked. “That’s not even normal!The way the stars line up…something big is going to happen!” ]

…I feel like you don’t quite understand what the words you’re using means. Unique has nothing to do with being normal. And stars aren’t surprising, if they’re coming into a particular alignment it wouldn’t shock anyone to see because they move according to set patterns.

If you want her to be responding to an unforeseen change in the night sky, that’d be a star flaring up or going out, not stars lining up.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7710482/2/The_Prophecy

…and now you’re TLDRing about what actor’s voice a character has, then your actual chapter opens with a long and boring pokemon battle, then an even more boring series of characters talking to each other and congratulating her.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7710673/1/Missing_Memories

Huh. This is very, very interesting. You do a good job of detailing everything around him, and I’m curious where it’s going.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7710776/1/Pokemon_Adventure_Topaz

[it’s characters ]

“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.

[“Oh, hello darling.” She greeted ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Speaking of said, it’s what you should be using most of the time.

Starting with a trainer waking up is horribly overdone and not particularly interesting, especially when it’s just leading to you repeating the similarly overused opening of one of the games.

[wild Pokémon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Gyrados ]

It’s gyarados. If you don’t know the spelling, look it up.

[Thanks mom. ]

When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized. Otherwise, it’s written “mom” like any other ordinary word.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7711036/1/Isshushipping_Because_I_love_him

[team plasma ]

Is a name, and therefore capitalized.

[his Braviary ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“Bianca’s competing in a musical” he glanced at his Xtransceiver “though it should be nearly finished. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7711096/1/Drastic_Measures

[“Can I come in?” The Pikachu asked.]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[since I’m going to war, I need someone to take care of my boy.” Suko said. ]

[Right now, we are at war. That boy is the only way to end it. I heard a prophecy about him. He is destined to destroy Arceus and reunite pokemon and humans. He is… the Chosen One.” Suko finished. ]

If the only way to end the war is with this kid in the future, then why go to war right now when you know it’ll be futile and that if you waited you could help him succeed later on?

[What is his name?” she asked.
“His name is… GdoubleA.”]

That’s a dumb name.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7711135/1/Pokemon_Trouble_in_Paradise

[my Blastoise ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[I caught Vespa after some time in the forest (that’s what I eventually nicknamed my Venonat) ]
[I was fishing in Vermillion (this was before pollution was a big problem, there). I was fishing and caught me a rather feisty Wartortle. I took a cursory glance and knew I had to catch ’em. Vespa and the Wartortle fought for a bit, until I took a pokeball and caught Triton then(that’s his nickname). ]

You shouldn’t be using parenthesis like this. That sort of comment would go fine in the sentence itself.

Eevee are extremely rare and not the sort of thing a trainer just stumbles over.

[it’s bravery ]

“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.

[if no signs of identity exist upon it.” the load speakers emanated. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You mean “loud” and the word is “loudspeaker”, not “loud speaker”.

Don’t use words if you’re not clear on their exact meaning. Emanated shouldn’t be used like that in the sentence.

[I’m definately not the only one thinking this, I hope. ]

Spellcheck, and also this is another example of you not seeming to know how to use words. You can’t be hoping for something you know is definitely true. Get a beta reader.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7711139/1/PokeSpies_Capturing_Cyrus

[Name: Jack Rinker Age: 18 Currnet Mission: Find Cyrus and arrest him.
Name: Edward Byrne Age: 18 Current Mission: Find Cyrus and arrest him.
Name: Roy Maximillian Age: 19 Current Mission: Find Cyrus and arrest him.
Name: William Corrie Age: 18 and a half Current Mission: Find Cyrus and arrest him.
Name: Ash Ketchum Age: 18 and a half Current Mission: Find Cyrus and arrest him.]

This is ridiculously repetitive. Also, use spellcheck.

Your story itself is a jumbled mess. Get a beta reader.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7711412/1/Absol

[our Pokémon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

There is a ridiculous level of description in this. Most of the individual bits are fine, it’s just the story itself is overloaded with it and it’s just getting in the way of anything happening.

[All of the fifteen seats are pretty much occupied except for two empty seats in between my two friends, Dawn and Solidad. Aside from them, I don’t really recognize anyone else among the thirteen other coordinators present at the table because I either have forgotten meeting them, or never met them period. The only one I do recognize is Harley ]

Also, you seem to lose track of what you’re saying. If she doesn’t recognize anyone aside from them, then she can’t recognize another person.

[The links to everything May’s wearing will be on my profile by tomorrow night hopefully. ]

Her outfit should really not be that big of a deal.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7711761/1/Peach

[Now wearing cloths acustomed to her, A light blue blouse with a white tank underneth , and a long wave blck skirt,18 and more beautiful than her sisters now. ]

This is some of the worst writing I’ve seen in a while.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7711823/1/Be_My_Bad_Boy_Be_My_Man

[Goldenrod City was swarming with thousands of people – literally. ]

…”- literally” is only used when the original statement sounds like it wasn’t meant literally but surprisingly it was. The idea a city has thousands of people is only surprising in that generally cities have far more than just a few thousand.

[Women hunted for sales, hungry to set their hands on the latest bargain available. It was stressful for some men, however. Several of them, especially husbands, trailed miserably behind their wives, gripping oversized shopping bags. ]

Aside from the fact men also shop and plenty of women find it stressful as well, it’s a pretty neat trick for all the non-husbands to be trailing behind their wives.

[They longed to get the best and discounted Pokémon toy they could find. ]

Aside from the fact “discounted” isn’t even being used properly in that sentence, why would the kids want discounted toys in particular?

[The city was nearly chaotic. ]

Chaotic is not a particularly strong term, so qualifying it as not even that makes me wonder why you even bothered saying anything, it apparently isn’t any big deal.

You really, really need a beta reader. The basics of this story are good but you’re fumbling on execution.

At this point, I’ve finished all Jan 4th stories…meaning I’m exactly one day behind. Damn.

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