Day 6 Pokemon Reviews (18)

Things are more interesting today.


http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7712405/1/Thank_you_Gold

[I AM BAD ON ENGLISH! ]

Then find someone who isn’t to look at what you write.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7712654/1/Pokemon_Endgame

[The prison occupants included serial killers, rapists, Pokemon murderers, and political figures who attempted to get rid of their problems using highly paid assassins. ]

While it’s nice to see that they’re considering pokemon murder to still be a terrible thing, the way you wrote it implies that pokemon murder is now worse than regular murder, since apparently you’ve got to commit multiple human murders to get in but only one pikachu. It’d probably better to say serial killers of humans and pokemon. Also, the politician thing sticks out as overly detailed and dramatic.

[The cement floor was covered in red, the blood of the abused inmates. ]

Blood really doesn’t stay red forever.

[This was a prison that the government of Sinnoh attempted to keep hidden. If any of the other governments of the world were to see how Sinnoh treated it’s prisoners, reform would be demanded and then a political shitstorm would fall on the government. ]

Then why keep it? It’s one thing if they’re torturing political prisoners or something, where governments have motivation to be evil, but there’s really no point to this, is there? It’s not even like there’s some idea of it acting as a deterrent because it’s got to be kept secret.

[a Houndour ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[He only left his office if he was about to beat prisoners and take out his aggression. The man across the hall from Sillindra’s cell had been nearly killed a few weeks previously when the warden had hacked at him with his machete and then let the Houndour’s eat the bloody bits that were not attached to the man’s body. ]

See, this is just so over the top. The amount of medical care that’d need is just not worth it, and you’d have people dying by accident left and right. And that’s a problem because sooner or later someone’s going to want to see a prisoner that they supposedly still have.

[Once we get out of here, I think we should go smoke a couple cartons.” The man on the bed said.]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[Devon Akat. My favorite foreign member of the prison ]

Wait what. They’re putting citizens of the foreign governments in the prison they’re frantically trying to keep hidden from those governments?

[When Devon had introduced Lucario to Mew and they had asked about getting help, Lucario had brought up that if he were a human it would make ending everything easier.
“I can grant that wish and give you probably two weeks of humanity. The thing is, I’ve never granted a wish that big. Jiraichi would be the better one to talk to but she’s impossible to find.” Mew told Lucario that if he were to grant the wish, it would kill him. “All of my power would reside in you. After your humanity is up and my power can’t hold anymore, I have no idea what will happen to you. Whether you’ll keep my power, die, stay a Lucario, become a new me…I don’t know. I’m not the wish Pokemon, but I can grant wishes.”
“Well if it will cost you your life…”
“You can have it.” Mew said. “I’ve been alive for thousands and thousands of years. I’m bored. It’s not like I’m useful anymore anyway. I just kind of fly around in the background, get sought after by terrorists, and then cloned into terrible copies. I’d rather grant you your time as a human.”
And so Mew had died in order to give Sean the ability to be human again.]

…wait what. You really need to work on your plotting, you can’t just dump everything like this, especially when it’s involving a mess of non-canon additions.

And now it’s haha rape so I guess I’m done.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7712763/1/Pokemon_Johto_Adventures

Starting a story with the trainer-to-be waking up is terrible overdone and boring as hell to boot. The same goes for being late to get a pokemon and therefore the professor being out of starters.

[14 year old ]

Write out numbers with letters.

Also, trainers start at ten.

[no Pokemon left ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

…and now he’s catching a wild tepig. That’s absurd. Just hand him the damn tepig. They’re not found in the grass, and it’s not accomplishing anything different to go through this runaround.

And now you’re repeating a shorter and even more boring bit about the first trainer moment for a bunch of other characters, not telling us anything important about anyone – we’ll find out their pokemon when they use it, there’s no need to make a huge deal of it.

This whole chapter is nothing but filler. Skip ahead to the plot.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7712763/2/Pokemon_Johto_Adventures

[“It’s 2 ‘o clock.” The boy said with a smile. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Also, you’re relying far too much on dialogue, you need more narration, particularly if you’re going to have battles. Your current battles are painfully boring, yet they take up most of the chapter. And you also really, really need to cut out things that aren’t important to the plot. In this case, again, this entire chapter looks like filler and the individual conversations are wandering and full of pointlessness.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7712985/1/Let_It_Go

[It’s raining outside and there she’s stands on the egde look at toward the sea, ]

Proofread and spellcheck.

[her eyelids droop half closed as her smile widens, “I’m sorry,]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

This is too short and generic. You reference the pokemon world, but it’s a standard suicide fic with a couple fandom references stuck in.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7713033/1/Roads_We_Travel

[“Fire beats grass, grass beats water, and water beats fire. Fire beats grass, grass beats water, and water beats fire.” No matter how many times he repeated the type matchups, Pearce could never remember which Pokémon beat which. At this rate, he would never be a trainer. ]

If he can’t remember something so basic, he has more problems than just not being able to be a trainer. After all, all he needs there is a cheatsheet.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“Pearce!” She shouted ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[There at my doorstep lay a box! A cardboard box! And I was like ‘What’s this doing here?’ and of course I had to open it. Inside was a note, and said note had the words ‘USE THEM WELL’ in all capital letters! And I was like ‘Use what?’ then I saw them. I saw these!” She pulled four small red-and-white balls from her pocket. All three of the others groaned. They were Pokéballs. Poor Lux had fallen for another scheme. ]

Why? Why is it so impossible she could get pokeballs, and why didn’t they just get pokemon before now if they want them?

I will never get where people think incompetent idiots are a good choice for their fanfic’s protagonist.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7713033/2/Roads_We_Travel

This isn’t badly written, exactly, but it’s still terribly boring. Three kids running around isn’t a plot and it isn’t interesting. If later those kids are going to run into a plot, you need to start there instead of here. If there’s no plot at all, you need to stop and figure out what it is.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7713066/1/A_Gardevoir_and_her_Trainer

[“Speech”=talking
‘Speech’=thought
-Speech-=telepathy
Speech=translated Poke-speech
(Speech)=my thoughts]

Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to ” used for dialogue.

Your author notes do not need to be included on the list, because you should never have them in your story in the first place.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[-Well, if you start then you have to have a Starter. But you have to choose between Bulbasaur, Charmander or Squirtle. And I’m a Kirlia. I can’t be a Starter.- ]

This is not how it works. In addition, even if it was how it works it wouldn’t mean he was barred from having any other pokemon, because that’s even dumber than it working like that at all. Don’t invent nonsense conflict.

[I’m 15 ]

Write out numbers with letters.

Trainers start at ten.

[She’s a Shiny. They’re very rare. ]

You wouldn’t know it from fanfic. Look, there’s no point in giving a character a shiny pokemon but to make them special. Just don’t.

[I got Kirlia as an Egg. I hatched her, and was ten. I planned on using her as my Starter any way, but… well, she accidently hurt a Rattata. ]

Spellcheck. Also, they don’t know any moves but growl until L6, so they really can’t hurt anything. If he’d been training her for a while this would work, but you write it as if he goes out with her not long after hatching.

[wasn’t hurt permanently, but I took a lot of damage to my muscle. I had to wait about four years, for the muscle to strengthen enough, and by then I’d missed the deadline. I had to wait for this year.” ]

Nope! “Being a trainer” and “going on a journey” are not synonyms. If he wanted to be a trainer nothing stopped him from catching and training pokemon at home before going on the actual journey to get badges. Now he’s going to lose to eleven year olds who’ve had a whole year of battling experience.

[This is a Pokedex. It contains data on all species of Pokémon. It won’t have anything on Kirlia, as she’s not native to Kanto, ]

Then it doesn’t contain data on all species. Pay attention to what you’re writing and make sure you’re saying what you mean.

[“GO! Weedle!” He cried out ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Also, use said. You’ve been avoiding it this whole fic and it really, really shows.

[my Mum ]

When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized. Otherwise, it’s written “mom” like any other ordinary word.

[That Kirlia’s a female! When she evolves, who knows what they’d do!” My Dad shouted. ]

You know, if you expect your son to fuck a pokemon he’s raised since it was born, I think your son has more issues than just the fact it’s a girl pokemon. Also, this has nothing to do with being a trainer. If he was worried about this he should have gotten rid of it ages ago, or at least done something about the fact they’re sleeping in the same bed.

[My mind strayed to the day I got Kirlia…
Start Flashback
I was 9, and walking along the path in Viridian.]

You don’t need to tell us it’s a flashback. Strictly speaking you never should need to say this, but it’s particularly egregious here when this is exactly how flashbacks are normally introduced in stories minus the godawful “start flashback” you stuck in the middle there.

[As I turned the corner, I heard a scream from the Forest. I ran in, and saw a strange Pokémon that I didn’t recognise. It was tall, and had a graceful body. The chest had lumps on them, and a red spike protruded from between them. It had a similar one on its back. There was an elegant, flowing gown around its legs. And there were several Beedrill swarming it. In its arms I saw an Oval shape, white on the bottom, with a green top and two red patterns similar to the ones on the Pokémon’s back and chest. I realised it was an egg. ]

This is ridiculous.

First, it’s a huge cliché. Second, if you make a big deal about how he has a nonnative pokemon, for christ’s sake don’t say he found it. Third, beedrill? Seriously? Aside from them being another huge cliché, they’re part poison, any psychic type would slaughter them.

And of course she soon expires out of deadparentitis, though luckily she’s healthy enough to give clearly explain she wants him to have the egg.

[“Well, in a few weeks, Ralts, I get my licence. Then I can be a Trainer! And you and me, we’ll travel everywhere!” Ralts threw her arms in the air.
-Yay! Me and Daddy will win a lot of battles!- ]

I find it sort of amazing you can write stuff like this without it seeming the least bit off. He’s raising something that seems to be, mentally, about that of a human toddler, but unlike a human kid, he legally owns her and she’s there as a prop for his own dreams and goals. “They” will win lots of battles by him sending her out into battle and her getting beat up.

Also, from the sounds of things he’s going to end up in a relationship with her when not only does he own her but also she thinks of him as her parent and he raised her.

Anyway, the whole rattata scene was unnecessarily anyway, it didn’t add anything that was needed to the summary you already gave.

But mostly, you really, really need to think more about the implications of what you’re writing. There is far more wrong about this than the issue of species.

Fun fact: the author is male and fifteen.

I hate this category sometimes.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7713156/1/Of_Ice_Fire_and_Thunder

[“I want you to leave Unova and never come back.”said Zekrom quietly.]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Also, you need a space after punctuation, the way it’s being written in this review.

[“That paper has the signatures of Arceus,Mew,Celebi,Rayquaza and Victini,”Zekrom stated in a very formal voice. ]

The legendaries really don’t work like that and it always looks ridiculous when people write them like they’re just people.

You’re relying far too much on dialogue for this story. A lot of it isn’t needed and you should have more narration. Tighten up conversations and cut out lines that aren’t necessary.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7713268/1/Pokemon_New_World

[“I have finally done it- I have found a way to make myself ruler of the entire world!” thought Giovanni ]

Never use quotation marks for thoughts.

[As he continued to watch as the messy head scientist who smelled slightly of antiseptic and fresh blood walked in next to him. ]

Your sentence structure has a lot of issues. Here, for example, you shouldn’t have “as” twice and you really need commas. You also drop a lot of punctuation in general. I’d suggest a beta reader.

[We should be ready to move into the testing phase,” said the man, puffing out his chest in pride at his accomplishment- a real weasel. ]

Your narration should not be moralizing like this. This doesn’t make sense as something Giovanni would be thinking and unless it’s tied to a character the narration should otherwise be impartial.

[What do you mean testing phase? ]

Giovanni isn’t stupid. He controls a giant shadow empire. He knows that you don’t release the virus you spent this much time making if you’re not sure it’ll work.

[“He is of no use to me if he cannot change to meet the needs of the new world and make sure it’s the highest dosage that would be possible doctor” ]

It’s a virus. Dosage shouldn’t be an issue.

[“Sir we can’t just let this keep going, we have to stop this!” she said, her eyes filled with tears, clenching her fists. She winced when the sound of the cat’s arms and legs ripping out of their sockets while shifting into more human like proportions.
“Don’t be stupid Eliza, this is what we were hired to do,” he yelled, his sanity starting to slip away]

What’s insane about saying that? They were hired to make a virus that’d create human/pokemon hybrids. They knew it would do this and they’d also already done a batch of testing so they’d have seen it action. Going on and on about how shocking it is dumb and comes off as if you’re trying to tell the reader to think it’s a big deal. If you can’t sell what’s going on as awful through the description, saying other people found it awful isn’t going to help.

And now she’s running into the cage because she’s just that stupid, I guess.

[“please let me help I promise to not let anything happen to you”
The man Persian only continued to stare into her eyes watching the tears that were running down her face. For some reason he couldn’t help but feel that he could trust her despite his instincts.]

She’s a scientist who worked for Team Rocket to make the superflu that did this. Of course he can’t trust her.

[He knew his strength wouldn’t last much longer and so as if by instinct he removed his hand from her throat and kissed her directly on the lips. ]

…So now it’s not just that things are happening for no discernible reason, they’re deeply creepy things happening for no discernible reason.

[3 pieces ]

Write out numbers with letters.

[Neko-sama ]

No fangirl Japanese.

Also, how did she avoid being infected? If the virus isn’t transmitted by air, skin or even spit, how exactly do they expect releasing it to do any good?

[its one thing ]

“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.

[Giovanni’s direct order that you were taught like a human ]

Why does Giovanni care?

…and why is Giovanni being a dick? Surely the whole point of transforming a loyal pokemon into something that’s basically human is to have loyal basically-human underlings? Instead he’s only appeared for a short time to glower, needle, and try to humiliate said loyal pokemon, then he sends it back.

[I thought you may want to know the final estimations for the infections incubation period before general transformation has just come in at almost exactly six days”. ]

But it was immediate when they used it on the persian before, and that was after a long conversation about it being the final product.

[Giovanni simply began barking orders, “I want the scientist named Eliza Thompson made project Alpha’s permanent handler and I want it done as soon as you leave this office ]

So now not only is he being a dick to his former loyal pokemon, but he’s taking the person his former loyal pokemon is bonding with and saying she should be around more and have more leeway with said former loyal pokemon. Why is he spending all this time and effort when he could accomplish the same thing in a few seconds by just grabbing a gun off one of the guards and emptying it into his foot?

These are honestly my favorite fic type. They’re never done well but in the process of failing they always hint at such other, more interesting stories people could be writing.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7713637/1/Star_Light_Star_Bright

You have a ton of minor errors in this, including the sort spellcheck would catch, as well as absolutely terrible grammar. You need to proofread better as well as find someone to beta read.

[But as the years went by and when I started elementary school, I learned that my fantasies were not of the norm. ]

Pokemon is enormously popular. A kindergartener liking pokemon is not a big deal, and they wouldn’t get called a baby for liking a game that all of the kids are too young to even play properly.

Incidentally, there’s no way she could have been playing the games for years unless she’s a prodigy. Three year olds are generally not great readers.

[I’ve always wished of being a real Pokemon Trainer so I could leave at the age of ten and begin a journey, but that wish changed by the time I was eleven. I needed something more; I needed something that would just let me be free and lie the way I want to live, not how someone else wants me to live. And then came that thirst of power. Some kind of power where I could show my potential and prove all of my tormentors wrong. But that also changed. I…I didn’t want to be human anymore. I didn’t want to go through all of this. I had to escape somehow, no matter the cost. ]

While I actually find this pretty plausible for how people end up thinking they want to be pokemon, I feel I should point out that this is not a healthy outlook at all.

[Five years had past since that night. I was sixteen and a sophmore in high school. I still didn’t have any friends, but I have gotten used to being friendless. ]

You know what people have in these modern days? The internet. It’s this magical thing that means you can easily find and talk to people who share your interests even if none of them are close geographically.

[What made it worse was that I couldn’t turn the game back on. I tried everything; I blew on the game card, I blew itno the game slot, and I even tried to turn on the DS with the game card out of it. Nothing worked. ]

…you know, I’m assuming you’ve played the games before. If so, I’m confused how you never noticed that turning on the DS and actually loading a game are separate things. If the DS itself won’t turn on, then the problem isn’t the game, and if she can’t get the game back she should just see the DS saying it can’t find anything inserted.

[I was pretty frustrated for the rest of the day, more so upset at my foster dad because he bought me a crappy game. He said it was new, but I believe he bought a used game and passed it as new so I would take it. ]

Except if someone already played the game it would show up as “continue”, something she’d know. Also, she sounds really whiny. It’s a videogame and not even a CD type that can easily get scratched, who cares if it’s used?

Also, if the DS isn’t turning on the problem is obviously with the DS, not the game.

[“Oh thank God!” Lisa, my foster mom, sighed “We didn’t know what was wrong with you, Kat! Renald was about to call an ambulance!”]

If she collapses at school with a horrible fever, they’d call an ambulance there, not send her home. It’s just possible if she was waking up still at school, but beyond that, no.

[So I went downstairs and found my foster dad holding the phone, contemplating on whether or not he should call 911. I decided not to approach him directly, so I alerted him of my prescence by opening the fridge ]

And now she sounds even more obnoxious.

[Today has been very odd; first my new game crashes, and then the DS wouldn’t turn on, and then I somehow get sick, I suddenly feel drained, and now all of my Pokemon files somehow disappeared. I don’t know if all of this was connected or not, but something weird was going on.]

Your character should not have advance knowledge of the plot. There’s no reason to think the things are connected. All she should know is that she’s having a terrible day.

[I eventually gave up trying to make sense of the situation and decided to watch some TV to pass time. ]

You claimed the games are her life and she thinks of the pokemon on her teams as her only friends who she sincerely loves. Now all the pokemon she’s raised over the years are gone forever. I’m not delusional nutjob who apologizes to my pokemon when they get hurt, and I’d be devastated by this. Yet you’re writing her shrugging it off. This is terrible characterization.

[The brightest star in the sky was resting directly in front of my window, like it was five years ago. ]

[The brightest star in the star is the North Star. My room back then was facing the north. My room right now faces the west.
That star shouldn’t be there.]

Except she’s just going by which star is glowing brightest that she can see. Obviously, if she can’t see the brightest star from where she is, she can’t see it being brighter than whatever stars she does she. This is without the issue of the brightness of planets to confound things. Really, think things through.

If you want her outside and staring at the sky, you had a perfect setup earlier. She just lost all her games and she’s thinking about the wish that never came true. She could easily go outside to look at the stars while feeling miserable or betrayed – maybe have her wake up, remember the wish, and then go to play one of the games only to discover she’s lost her save files and get upset because it feels like the universe is toying with her.

Anyway. This was far longer than it needed to be. You should cut out the unneeded babble about how she started playing the games and the blow-by-blow of how people first found out she liked it. All that’s needed is that she likes them, is friendless and is so disconnected from people she wishes she could be a pokemon. Cut out the whole sudden breakdown of her mom and going to a foster family bit, it’s unnecessarily. Then have her games get messed up, she goes outside to stare at the stars because she wished on them and she’s upset it never happened, and weirdness happens.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7713667/1/Hopping_on_Cloud_Nine

[It was mandatory for all people to graduate from a certified academy to train pokemon. We never really had a choice, but we didn’t protest either. I guess our parents really did know what was best for us. It never really ended well. ]

The way this is written is terribly muddled. Are all people required to go to a pokemon academy and then raise pokemon upon graduation, or is going to one required if you want to train pokemon? Sense would say the latter, but in that case the kids do indeed have a choice, namely to not train pokemon.

Similarly, it doesn’t make sense for the narrator to both say their parents knew best and that it always ended badly.

[I relished the moment as a passing breeze. ]

What?

[tailow ]

It’s taillow, two Ls.

[There wasn’t always a bus system used for the Trainer’s Academy ]

Okay, the thing about bus systems is, they’re kind of a steady thing. Either there is one or there isn’t. This might change over longer periods of time, but at any given point only one can be true. So right now, all that matters is if there’s a bus coming or not.

[the requirement forced kids from all over Hoenn to commute to Rustboro daily ]

Why? If it’s so important, why not have other schools, and if it’s only for a minority, why not have the kids stay there for the term? Commuting across Hoenn isn’t particularly workable, let alone doing so after you just said there’s no established system to transport the kids.

[“The egg? What was in it anyway?” I asked. My family owned the daycare center, so we had a lot of leftover eggs lying around since most people didn’t want them. ]

They would know what was in a given egg because it’s always the species of the mother and they must know what the mother is or else they wouldn’t be able to offer it to the correct trainer. Also, while it could be plausible most trainers would turn down the eggs, it’s not that most people would, considering how in-demand pokemon generally seem to be.

Also, if your character knows this girl, and enough to want to travel with her no less, why is she being called just “the girl” instead of by name?

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7713772/1/Legendary_Chaos

Nonstory chapters are banned.

Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7713837/1/An_Adventure_of_All_Adventures

[I gasped twice when I read to things: 1, New Bark Town, 2, I didn’t know anyone named Emerald, but he/she had my last name! So then I picked up the box, opened the door, closed it once inside, ran up to my room, shut the door, and played Pokemon on my DSi for the rest of the day. ]

So the package clearly isn’t for him and must have been delivered by accident because of his last name, therefore he takes it inside.

This story is a mess. You really should get a beta reader.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7713842/1/The_Adventure_of_Ricky_Chapter_1_part_1

Spellcheck.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Don’t post chapters as separate stories, ever.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7714230/1/The_Revenge_of_Purple_Eyes

This is terrible. Look up a basic grammar guide before you post.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7714279/1/The_Second_Chosen

[‘…’ – Thinking ]

Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to the ” used for dialogue.

[‘The Pokémon world, a place that is full of adventure and excitement. The whole planet is full of an array of different and unique creatures known as Pocket Monsters or Pokémon for short. There are hundreds of different species of these powerful creatures and their numbers just seem to escalate. There are many different types of Pokémon. They range from fire, water, grass, steel, fight, rock, ground, electric, dragon, ghost, poison, flying, and normal types. Some are soaring through the air, gliding through the water, thriving on the land and sharing the land with all sorts of people, working together. Just imagine it, the training and the battles. ]

Everyone already knows this. Not only does everyone already know this, but other fanfic authors have similarly not realized it and written these intro paragraphs, so everyone has also read the damn things over and over by now. They’re not needed and just take up space.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[The Pokémon Universe: The Distortion World ]
[Pokémon World: Hoenn Region]
[Hoenn League: Random Restaurant ]
[With Giratina ]
[3 Minutes Later ]

STOP DOING THIS. You don’t need a label for every scene break.

[(“I wonder what it’s like to see a Pokémon battle up close.”) Giratina mused to himself. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[It seems that father was right ]

When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7714309/1/The_Johto_Prince_A_Lost_Princes_Tale

[He had been trying his best to fold his ears back, so that his shining blue rings wouldn’t blind him with their reflection on the wet soil- but his attempts proved failure as the ring on his forehead proved no justice. ]

…proved no justice? What does that mean? Also, don’t reuse proved twice in the same sentence.

[tiny silver creature nestled up beside her stomach; receiving warmth from their mother’s thick, smooth coat. ]

“Their” makes it sound like there’s more than one. Use “its”.

[“W-what’s wrong with them?” The king asked]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[“Why is their fur not brown?”
The espeon queen chuckled, as she was the only two of the parents who had realized what was truly wrong with their newborn.
“Nothing.” She smiled, responding positively to her mate’s relief. Her blue eyes trailed their way to the baby at her side, a tear forming in her eye as she looked at her baby. “He’s a shiny-” Her eyes quickly flickered back to her mate, a smile still prevelant on her face, “-Like you.”]

Why wouldn’t a shiny pokemon know what color his fur had been before he evolved?

The whole of this chapter seemed pointless. Setting up why there’s a pokemon king and what that means is certainly important, but you didn’t do any of that, and it’s not like people need to be told that if the king has a kid, it means the kid was at some point born. Nothing actually important is happening in this chapter.

Though the dialogue thing is a pet peeve, if I could pick one piece of advice people would actually take, it’d be this one. A poorly executed idea can still be interesting, but the category is currently a sea of first chapters that don’t even get to their idea.

2 Comments

  1. Ember says:

    Oh, this IS an interesting batch!

    “I will never get where people think incompetent idiots are a good choice for their fanfic’s protagonist.”Well, if they like the anime…

    1. Farla says:

      Even anime Ash isn’t incompetent, just clueless. He’s not aware of basic stuff about his world for no reason, but he never gets a list of easy facts, tries to memorize it, and fails.

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