Day 7 Pokemon Reviews (14)

 Some more pokemon focused stories. Shame they’re pretty terrible.


http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7714399/1/The_Shadow_Snivy

[any ordinary Snivy. ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Second, I’m, what you call, a shiny Snivy. To me, I’m just a unique Snivy, I don’t shine. I’m the color black where it is suppose to be green, and purple where it is suppose to be yellow. Last, I know different kinds of moves, but not just ones like Leaf Tornado and Aireal Ace. I know moves like Flameflower and Bug Buzz. My favorite moves are Fusion Bolt and Draco Meteor. ]

So, a sue.

[unusal ]

Spellcheck.

[So we found that there is a plane heading for the Unova region and it is in Veilstone City, and drops you off at Casteilia City and it leaves in a week at 12:30 pm. Plus, we found out that there is a tribe of snivy near a forest called, White Forest. In the basket, we put in a map of the Unova region, a map of the Sinnoh region, a bunch of Oran Berries, a tent, and a little soething we found that you should take with you. ]

And how would a bunch of forest pokemon find that out and know all about the different human cities? Where did they get maps? How are they writing a letter when they shouldn’t know how to read? Why would a wild pokemon need a tent?

You’ve really, really got to think things through. If you want to write about pokemon, you can’t treat them like humans.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7714573/1/YuGiOh_Gotta_Catch_Em_All

[A few warnings before we start:]

Just so you understand, saying you’re doing something wrong doesn’t actually solve the problem of you doing something wrong.

[1. Yugi and Heba will be VERY OOC!]

Then revise so they aren’t.

[3. Their Pokemon were chosen spur-of-the-moment. So DON’T JUDGE!]

No. If you made a mistake, edit it.

[4. The battles may not be the most descriptive things you’ve ever read.]

Then you need to put more effort into writing them better, or else not write a story where they’re a focus.

[5. Some of my OC characters will be involved, but like Ash and friends it’ll probably be short cameos.]

OCs should be characters created for a particular story. Having pet OCs you throw into stories on a whim is bad writing.

[6. Oh and I’ve decided to make Ryou and Malik females.]

No.

[Mainly because I don’t know if Yaoi pairings are OK in a K+ story.]

They aren’t any different than any other pairings.

Don’t list ages before you start. If you’re writing properly, it’ll be clear in the narration, if you’re not listing the ages isn’t going to fix the real problem.

[~Summary~
Two years ago, the Yu-Gi-Oh! gang was somehow teleported to the world of Pokemon, but before they could even get a glimpse of this new place all of them except for Yugi and Heba mysteriously fell into a deep sleep. Finally, the rest of the gang wakes up and almost immediately start searching for a way home. However, while they were sleeping, Yugi and Heba were out traveling, training Pokemon, and over all falling in love with this new dimension. Now, the gang is on their newest adventure searching for their friends, but convincing them to go back to their real home is easier said than done.]

This is terrible. It’s okay to say one thing happens. It’s not okay to say a long string of unexplained events all happen.

If you want Yugi and Heba to be off for a while without the rest of the gang, just say they entered the place first instead of them all being there at the same time but some of them then falling asleep for no reason. That also avoids the problem of why the two ditched their comatose friends.

[their Pokemon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[3 main parts ]

Write out numbers with letters.

[The hospital was added later on after a number of people became extremely a few years ago. ]

You accidentally a word. Proofread.

Also, no, professors do not also run hospitals for humans. There are existing real hospitals and that’s where anyone would be sent.

This isn’t really a story. All you do this chapter is talk about the place. That’s nothing more than a (an overly wordy and boring) opening for a scene, not a full chapter than can stand on its own.

[That’s it… It’s not much, but it’s all my tired brain has got! So don’t judge!]

No one held a gun to your head and forced you to post it right then. You could have easily saved the file and kept writing later.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7715199/1/One_Zoruas_Courage_to_Survive

[a Zorua ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[ok ]

Okay, four letters.

[I won’t let mother hurt you ]

When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized. Otherwise, it’s written “mom” like any other ordinary word.

[that’s a promise that I’ll keep.” I whispered]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Anyway, this seems like angst for angst’s sake. There’s no explanation for why the mother hates her beyond not wanting kids – why have kids if she doesn’t, and why wait for her to hatch then smack her around instead of just ignoring her? And if the mother’s like this, why is her father taken by surprise?

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7715199/2/One_Zoruas_Courage_to_Survive

Yup, angst for angst’s sake. If she just didn’t want kids she wouldn’t be spending all her time thinking up how to torment them. And the dad wanted them he should be taking care of them, which is more than sneaking them food – and if he’s getting bossed around by her to the point he can’t go against her, why is he apparently the one in charge? And if the mother’s refusing to let them eat food when they could easily get it on their own, why stay at all?

The story goes on about how the mother is a hateful bitch, which gets grating fast.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7715246/1/A_New_Journey

[Jotho ]

Johto.

[There was a boy asleep in his room, drifting off ]

He can’t be drifting off to sleep if he’s already asleep.

[&]

And. It’s only three letters.

[said “Dodrio, why are you pecking me?]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Starting a story with a character waking up to become a trainer is overdone and boring. Skip to when something different is happening instead of rehashing the same thing every other story’s done.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

[another Pokémon Egg ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7715273/1/Pokemon_The_New_Hero

[Summery: ]

Summary.

[a 10 year old ]

Write out numbers with letters.

[Pallet town ]

If it’s a name, both parts of the name are capitalized.

[Creatures known as Pokemon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

You never need to waste time on telling people reading your pokemon fanfic about what the pokemon world is. We already know.

[and normal skin tone ]

What exactly is “normal” skin tone?

[His name is Matt riddock.]

Proofread.

[im ]

Spellcheck.

[It was covered with spines primarily on their back which can release potent poisons if threatened and had a horn on its forehead, “Nido” it said with a smile. ]

You switched between singular and plural. Again, proofread.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

[Hey mum ]

When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7715447/1/The_New_Years_Blessings

[And if you’re wondering why these fics are short, I guess you can say they are drabbles. ]

Drabble = 100 words exactly. It’s a writing exercise, not a word for a short fic.

[3 hours ]

Write out numbers with letters.

This was pretty generic and plotless. There really isn’t much making these characters anything more than OCs.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7715574/1/Trainer_Basics

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7715675/1/The_Secrets_Illusion

[the Legendary Red. ]

Legendary doesn’t need to be capitalized.

[the lone Pokémon center ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

This is an intriguing setup – slightly eerie, but more of an interesting mystery.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7715685/1/Life_of_a_Pikachu_intro

[They were in love. Heavy love. Expecting little Pichu. Some days ago the two of them ran of their herd and did “it”. ]

Having sex once doesn’t necessarily mean a pregnancy.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[They loved eachother ]

Spellcheck. Proofread.

[Not only mamma did ]

When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized.

[4 little Pichu ]

Write out numbers with letters.

You really need a beta reader.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7715870/1/Pokemon_Chaos_World

[The reason it’s that in my region, Legend, there’s four teams that are messing up around, it’s a nineteen years war, before I was born! ]

This sentence is a mess. Most of your sentences are. You need to get a beta reader, because your story ranges from frustrating to outright unreadable.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7715934/1/Loss_of_Willpower

[a Riolu]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[The cave walls had crystals oozing out if them. ]

Crystals don’t really ooze. And you mean “of” not “if”. Proofread.

[2 tails ]

Write out numbers with letters.

[only the kill her. ]

Seriously, proofread. It’s important.

This is actually a good, creepy concept, but it’s marred by the fact your story is so badly written.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7716014/1/The_Champions

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[The red eyes were always kind and determined; however, if Red was ever in a situation where his friends were in danger, his eyes went cold and ruthless. ][

Then they weren’t always kind. Don’t say always when you mean usually.

[“Hello.” Greeted Delia ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

…and now there’s pointless chatter. You don’t need to show people talking about boring things just because they would. It’s a story, skip it and move on to something that matters.

[Both characters will be paired (No Yaoi) ]

Would that be because of admitted bigotry or some mumbling about you just not being comfortable with it?

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7716239/1/Reset

[Absent of the usual yellow Pikachu that graces his shoulder and his hat, Ash Ketchum feels almost like a normal trainer ]

This really doesn’t make any sense. From an outsider’s perspective, that’s the thing that sets Ash’s character design apart. From Ash’s perspective, there’s no reason having Pikachu on his shoulder makes him abnormal.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[What if he isn’t destined to be one of the lucky few who actually make a living out of Pokémon training? ]

The idea of Ash worrying about his future is an interesting one, but this isn’t quite the way to put it. He presumably already is one of those people. Even if he never improves, he’d be capable of continuing the wander-and-battle thing at his current level. If that’s not good enough to count as self-sufficient you need to explain how he’s been managing this long – is his mother supporting him, or does he have a store of money that’s slowly running out, or what? And how far off from that goal is he?

[“I was around, you just didn’t see me…” He mumbles fairly indistinctly, hoping that it passes.]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[Gary has always been the one who sidles up closest to his psyche, notices any difference in his routines and identifies the faults. Perhaps he’s already worked it out, just waiting to get confirmation so he can proclaim yet another thing he’s better at. ]

I realize Ash is brighter than he seems, but your narration doesn’t sound like him at all. Ash is pretty plainspoken, so even if his internal thoughts are more complex, they probably wouldn’t be this much more.

…and I also doubt Ash would be that effortlessly overpowered by Gary. If you want him stopped by a hug, just say Gary hugged him and he froze up.

Similarly, while the idea Gary’s been doing the rival thing as a fucked up way of getting Ash’s attention is perfectly reasonable, the fucked up nature of it makes it unlikely he’d just explain himself and his motives clearly all of a sudden. Even if Gary was going to admit to the liking Ash thing, he probably wouldn’t be untangling his whole mess of issues all at once, and certainly not unprovoked.

…and then it ends. Gary being in love with Ash really isn’t addressing any of the issues Ash was raising early on, so this ends up feeling like the first half of one story got sewn together together messily with the second half of a completely different one.

Did not get much done today at all. Dealing with stuff, unfortunately. Hopefully tomorrow will be easier.

2 Comments

  1. Eric Wilkinson says:

    Hey Farla, I recently learned about the planned crossover for Pokemon and the
    Nobunaga’s Ambition series of video games. I was wondering if you’d heard about this? I’m just hoping some of this crossover bleeds over into the main franchise; the idea of Pokemon beings used as weapons of war to conquer a feudal society would raise some interesting questions.

    1. Farla says:

       I hadn’t! I think I’ll just go with waiting and seeing – PMD doesn’t seem to have done much to change the fact pokemon are still treated like animals, and Colosseum, despite what everyone thought/hoped at the time, didn’t change the main franchise at all.

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