Day 8 Pokemon Reviews (31)

Got a reasonable amount done, actually. Now back to about as far behind as I was to begin with. I’ll win yet.


http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7716294/1/The_Discovery_Of_Twilax

You’re better off looking around for a beta reader who seems decent and sending them a message rather than asking for one your story.

[I have trouble with spelling ]

Also, a beta reader is not a spellchecker. You should correct all fixable mistakes before asking for their help, and running spellcheck is certainly in that category.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[is mom around ]

When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized. Otherwise, it’s written “mom” like any other ordinary word.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7716657/1/Opposites_Attract

[“I… challenge you… to a…” but her last words were cut off when all of a sudden, she collapsed.]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[She wasn’t wearing anything except for the clip that removed her bangs from her face. ]

Hospitals will provide something to wear.

[He sighed. “Here, put some clothes on.”
She caught them and stood up. They were black pants and a purple shirt.]

Also, most girls aren’t going to be happy to be completely naked in a room with a strange guy. They would, at the least, want privacy to put the clothes on. Should she for some reason not ask, Blue should still know to absent himself or at the least look away.

[My sisters clothes ]

Apostrophe for possession.

[“It’s Amnesia.” ]

It’s not capitalized and no, forgets personal background only is not amnesia so much as it’s Hollywood amnesia.

[“So… what am I supposed to do?” He asked.
“Well for the time being I think you should take care of her and help her regain her memory.”
“What?” He asked, standing up. “I can’t do that!”]

Yes, that’s quite correct. He’s not qualified for this and there’s also no reason to trust that he’d be taking care of her and not taking advantage of her or just neglecting her.

[“Well we can’t just leave her here! I mean, I’m sure one of us can look over her from time to time but by taking care of her this slow… she’s more likely to never regain her memory.” ]

Not how it works. Also, they should be more concerned about figuring out who she was and contacting her family than pawning her off on some stranger. Even if she wasn’t carrying an ID, they should be looking for anyone who fits her description.

Look, if you want to shove the two together, have Blue wanting to help and have them try bringing her to the gym specifically, instead of having Blue forced into it and no clear reason why anyone thinks it’s a good idea.

[Oh yeah, it’s Blue and Green because I use the Japanese version and call him Blue, but the translated version is apparently Green. ]

…you have it backward. He’s Green in the original, the translated version swapped him to Blue because in Japan there was Red and Green and the American release was Red and Blue. You’re not using the Japanese version if he’s Blue in it.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7716747/1/Pokemon

[A female Quilava and a male Charmeleon. ]

Sentence fragment.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“Our new recruits.” Infernape said ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[it’s head ]

“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.

[Scizor said leaping out the window following the Quilava. ]

…to be burned to a crisp because that’s about as bright as sending a golem after a croconaw.

[“My name is Daisy and I don’t wanna be in that dumb agency.”
“Ooooh what a pretty name. That agency though is very nice and you could protect me aginast a bully I have.”]

Spellcheck. Also, if she thinks the agency sucks, saying “but they have a mean bully!” is really not helping the case, and saying it right after claiming they’re nice makes it clear she’s just saying whatever comes into her head.

[Your tough ]

Your” is possessive, as in, your story, “you’re” means “you are”.

[Chapter 2: Luxray and the Luxio Tribe (Disclaimer: I don”t own Pokemon!)]

You know the nice chapter feature this site has? Use it.

[7 Luxio]

Write out numbers with letters.

Anyway, this story so far is a mess. You have her apparently kidnapped by these people, then she runs away and they try to drag her back, but her only problem with them is just that she thinks that as a wild pokemon she shouldn’t be part of this? Not, you know, the kidnapping thing.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7716764/1/Lost

[Togepi was Misty’s pokemon she was raising. Pikachu was Ash’s best friend, his partner, his pokemon. The two pokemon both liked Brock, since he came along to assist Ash and Misty. The crew had been traveling along Kanto, on their way to Fuchsia city, so Ash could take on the gym leader. But Misty said that she was tired, and suggested they take a break. Ash agreed, being hungry. While Brock prepared lunch for his friends, and the pokemon, the trainers set Pikachu and Togepi down, so they could play. Without Ash or Misty noticing, the two pokemon got so absorbed in their little game of tag, they ended up chasing each other into a near by forest, without noticing. ]

This is terrible writing.

If people are reading your pokemon fanfic, they already know who Togepi and Pikachu are. There’s no need to explain exactly where Ash is and why, because we know he’s traveling around to get badges and the exact location doesn’t matter. They take breaks all the time, so no one needs to hear exactly why they took this one. All you needed to say was the two pokemon wandered off during a break.

And don’t repeat words like “noticing” twice in a sentence.

[team rocket ]

Is capitalized, it’s the group’s name.

[We’re gunna get outta here.” Pikachu cooed. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[A Kangaskhan! ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

…and then the kangaskhan just leads them back. My, that was boring. A story should really be about characters doing something. This is just characters being lost, and then they stop being lost, and then it ends.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7716774/1/Blossom_Creek

[well one that its different is language ]

This is word salad. Proofread better.

[She continued down the dark trail and stared at an narrow trail that snakes along the darkness, heading up the hill.]

Repetitive and error-filled. “An narrow” should be “a narrow”, of course, but also, if she’s already on the trail she shouldn’t be talking as if the trail ahead of her is a different one. Since this is past tense, the trail snaked, not snakes. “Along the darkness” is missing a word. And you’re using “dark” twice in one sentence.

[“Hello?” she called out slowly as she glanced around, clenching her fists, “Is anyone out there?” ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

If the idea is that everyone’s gone home because of these monsters, why wouldn’t she have heard of it too? And if that’s just normal for the place, she shouldn’t be remarking on it as weird.

[Crystella]

Is an absurd name.

[It was raining that day. The day that changed my life forever, the day that brought nothing but sorrow, the day of my older sister’s funeral. ]

If you’re trying for pathos, this sort of thing is a mistake, it just makes it all sound too ridiculous to take seriously.

[his Mightyenna’s ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Also, it’s mightyena.

[Miki was Flora’s Espeon, one of her two valuables. ]

Her what?

[saw a Leafeon glancing at the kitchen window. ]

Eevee are not common wild pokemon, your characters shouldn’t be running into them left and right. If they see one, the first thought should be it’s someone else’s that got lost.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7717355/1/Real_Life

[Pokemon dreams. ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Dreamed about falling off a building. No clue what it might mean. ]

If she’s so interested in dreams, she’d probably be at least passingly familiar with common dreams and what they’re thought to mean, and if she wasn’t, she’d try to look it up.

She also apparently has some amazingly dull dreams, considering her dream diary is just a string of one liners.

[-that night-]

Don’t do this, put stuff like that directly into the narration.

[“She appears to be comatose,” the nurse said quietly. “We can’t seem to tell the cause, or anything else. All we’re able to say is that she won’t respond to anything.”
Juniper looked at Fennel, brushing her bangs out of her eyes softly. Seeing her face made it only feel more painful. “…how long is it going to last?” she asked at last.]

Why is she saying that instead of explaining about the machine? If they knew what happened they might have a better chance of figuring out how to help her.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7717468/1/The_Tourist

You’re using way, way too many commas.

[there was just her and marill ]

Any time you’re using something as a name, it’s capitalized. In this case, though, since the marill apparently has a nickname, you should just be using that instead of treating the species as its name.

[crouching down to the mammal’s level ]

You seem like you’re trying too hard to find synonyms. It’s really best not to bring up real world groups when dealing with pokemon, and it’s also best not to use a descriptive epithet in general if it’s not relevant at the moment. “Mary” and “the marill” should be what you’re using unless you’re trying to bring attention to some other detail (such as mentioning it’s a water type when it’s attacked by a plant move).

[Marill growled its agreement ]

If you start off giving pokemon a gender, it’s better to keep using that instead of flipping to genderless terms.

[Marill squealed in surprise when a pair of antennae twitched out of the web of white that had previously composed the body of silcoon ]

If it’s not supposed to just be a beautifly hatching, you really need more description than that, since beautifly have antennae. And if it is, then it’s not clear why they’re so shocked, or why it’s important that it’s a beautifly somehow hiding in the silcoon’s shell instead of just a beautifly appearing.

The story itself, I think, would actually work a lot better if you didn’t go on and on at the beginning about how the forest was ominous and something was wrong, since a dangerous pokemon is just a dangerous pokemon, and there’s no real reason why it would mean all other pokemon in the forest were missing. Plus, setting things up so that it’s only happening because something unusual is going on undermines the idea that this is something that could happen to anyone unlucky and inexperienced, it’s more like the universe singled her out.

This is not exactly a bad story, but it’s pretty much the standard horror tale in the fandom – taking forever to get to the point, going on and on about how something nebulous was wrong but the trainer didn’t realize, a glop of pretentiousness and then finishing with a vague and muddled ending.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7717621/1/Ever_Ever_After

[“Mommy?” a little girl with raven hair and bright blue eyes asked.]

If you’re writing in first person, you need to think about what description the narrator would use. And in general, you need to think about what description matters – her hair really isn’t relevant to to the fact she’s speaking.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

[Can you tell me if fairytales are true? Because Janie told me fairytales never come true. ]

This is not how little kids talk or people think. Fairy tales being true is different than “coming true”, that second bit is a very adult phrasing that’s used to mean the general difference between life and stories, generally the happily-ever-after part in particular. Most actual fairy tales are set somewhere obviously not our world and have magic and princesses from the very start.

It’s really obvious you’re trying to set things up for the character to tell about falling in love and just shoved whatever words you needed for that into the kid’s mouth.

[I was sitting under a large oak tree in the busy school yard. The wind was blowing a welcoming summer breeze in my blue hair. The part of my hair usually contained by my trademark hat was now in a bow that was a peachy pink color. I was wearing a knee-length beautiful dress that was white and had multicolored flowers all over it. It flowed gently a very soft silk comforting my skin. It was strapless my hair in loose curls going with the sway of the wind as I was sketching under the tree. ]

People generally don’t speak in purple prose. This isn’t how someone would open a story for a kid.

[I was sketching a present for my beloved crush Ash Ketchum. It was a drawing of him and I. He was the dashing Prince Charming and I was the lovely Cinderella. ]

…you realize two have nothing in common with this pairing, right?

[Storybook endings and fairytale dreaming coming true were all I ever wanted with Ash, my Ash. ]

And so yep, only reason you did this was to set Dawn up for these lines.

Look, just have the kid ask how she got together with her dad or about the picture. If you absolutely must have the fairy tale frame, maybe have the kid say fairy tales are all just stories and ask for a real story. That’s a bit more natural.

[But I was definitely sure he was the cutest, hottest, sexiest guy in the world by far. ]

This is probably not what you want to be saying to your daughter.

[“Can I see!” he asked trying to see. I playfully pushed him away “No not yet! Number one I’m not don’t number two you’ll probably never see it unless…” I trailed off. ]

“I’m not don’t”? Pay attention to what the characters actually say.

…and now it’s a songfic. Those are banned and with good reason, because they’re uniformly terrible.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7718485/1/A_New_Beginning

This is terrible. Look up a basic grammar guide before you post.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7718605/1/PMD_2_Cruelity_Beyond_the_Shards

Your title is misspelled.

[5 years ago, ]

Write out numbers with letters.

[a Vulpix ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Team Cruel, once born and thought to be normal Pokemon, but now have become corrupt and evil; even to the point of destroy their once beautiful homes ]

Your grammar is terrible. Get a beta reader.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7718648/1/a_new_future_togeter

This is terrible. Look up a basic grammar guide before you post.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7718683/1/Fitting_In

[He rarely spent a week-end with his family without going to a social gathering with his peers. ]

Weekend.

Unless his family is going to those parties, it’d make more sense to either cut the mention of them or say he rarely spent the weekend with them _because_ he was hanging out with other people.

[He wasn’t exactly excited about ‘his mother telling him to tidy his bedroom’ or ‘his dad asking him to wash the car’ but he came down anyway. ]

This is terribly, terribly phrased. You don’t need to treat anything in the sentence like a quote.

[All of a sudden the slow, bored teenager sprang into action and swept past both of his parents, and sank into the comfiest chair in the room. His father gave him a stern look, but Kenny shrugged it off. ]

Why aren’t his parents already sitting?

[“Kenny, we have something to tell you.”
“Then spit it out.”]

While teenagers are often surly and have issues getting along with their parents, it should be pointed out a lot of that tends to come from the general stress of being a teenager, which Kenny here apparently has completely sidestepped. Someone whose life is endlessly awesome should not be nasty for no reason, particularly when there’s no sign his parents normally do anything to get in the way of that.

[I’m happy here!” The boy snapped. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

If he doesn’t want to move, why doesn’t he just stay? As a teenager, he’s already old enough to be a trainer traveling around on his own, so it’s not like his parents can drag him to a new region.

[Kenny’s Pokeball containing his Pokemon, Piplup. ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Co-ordinator ]

It’s coordinator. Spellcheck.

…and now he’s winning a pokemon battle despite not wanting to be a trainer and being so lazy with pokemon in general that he doesn’t even travel around for the contests he is a bit interested in.

And now Ash has shown up so there’s a long and pointless neighbor conversation that exists only so you can namedrop the canon character. Don’t do this.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7718691/1/Serena_Ravens_pokemon_adventure

Writing badfic on purpose doesn’t change that it’s still badfic.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7718726/1/Stuck_In_A_Cabin

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Don’t center your text, it’s obnoxious to read.

Don’t use fangirl Japanese.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7718793/1/A_world_thats_different

Capitalize your title properly.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Write out numbers with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7718982/1/Purest_Soul

[The bed creaked as I slowly slid off its comforts. ]

Your grammar is terrible, get a beta reader.

[drangonair ]

Dragonair. Look it up if you don’t know the spelling.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7719203/1/Shamus_Tale

[any Dewott ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“What the heck am I thinking? Having compassion for my prey. It’s unheard of.” He scolded himself ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[Flasback ]

Spellcheck.

And don’t write out that something’s a flashback for the scene break. Flashbacks and such should be clear from the story’s narration.

Your story is riddled with mistakes. Proofread.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7719261/1/LOTHT_The_Secret_Files_Of_J_Edgar_Hoover

Nonstory chapters are banned.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7719261/2/LOTHT_The_Secret_Files_Of_J_Edgar_Hoover

So is writing the story as a script.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7719303/1/Pokemon_Badlands

[The Eevee was running away as fast as she could. Which…isnt really surprising. After All, what WOULD you be after the Mawile tribe attacked, enslaving and/or killing everyone you ever cared about? Doing the Cha-Cha?
The Eevee, which had stopped to do the Cha-Cha, stopped again and pondered this, and the Mawiles.]

This is terrible.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Your chatty tone is at odds with the fact you’re talking about serious things, and the lame attempt at humor is even more at odds with it.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7719507/1/Latiass_Wedding

[“Sis, I hope you know what you’re doing” Latios said ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[chappel door ]

Spellcheck.

[a squad of Murkrow ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

This is inane.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7719776/1/Pokemon_Ranger_Chrismess_Spechel

This is terrible.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7719945/1/Blues_STP

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“… my life feels so complete!” Blue was babbling. “My total OTP- IS NOW CANON!” she screamed, oblivious to the strange looks other assistants were giving her. ]

Blue is not your self-insert.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7720162/1/Pokemon_Tamers_Redux

[The moth-creature seemed to be much stronger, suddenly flapping its wings, whipping up a gust to send the smaller enemy through the air and landing a few feet away. ]

This sentence is a mess. It should probably be split into two distinct sentences, possibly three with one for you to explain why it seemed stronger.

[“…I can’t seem to get an attack in…” He breathed with a growl. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Grass- and Poison-type. ]

Stop using that as your main epithet, it’s incredibly clunky and not especially relevant either.

[The light sparked away from the Bulbasaur quickly after the transformation, the newly-evolved Adult Stage Pokémon calling out, “Ivysaur!” ]

Look. Fusing the two canons? Perfectly good idea. Blindly fusing them, less so. Ivysaur, like all the middle starters and most middle evolutions, is clearly an adolescent, not an adult.

[I stood atop a tall cliff, the wind brushing my long dark brunette hair. My violet eyes stared up at the sky, a small pink figure perched on my shoulder. ]

So in short, a sue. Violet eyes especially are one of those things you just should never have.

[(Flashback)]

You shouldn’t need to label flashbacks flashbacks.

…you are spending way too much time going on about the boring life of your character. You don’t need page upon page of their life before anything interesting happened. They moved to Tokyo and then got sucked into things, that’s all that matters.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7720162/2/Pokemon_Tamers_Redux

No, seriously, I don’t care about the boring life of your character. Learn to use the delete key. If it doesn’t matter, cut it out of the story.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7720162/3/Pokemon_Tamers_Redux

Finally, the pokemon. You’re relying far too much on dialogue to move your story, though, and being too wordy about it to boot. Just because real conversations wander and involve a lot of filler chatter doesn’t mean it needs to show up in your story.

So damn dull. The subject matter’s fine, but the writing isn’t.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7720208/1/Youll_always_be_mine

Capitalize your title properly.

[2 years ago ]

Write out numbers with letters.

[“I’m your family!” She barked. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[her Pokémon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

This all seems to be overlooking that whether or not he’s also happy with his friends is beside the point, which is that he hates and fears her. He ran away because of that well before meeting up with them. If you want to do shippy stuff, put slightly more effort into it.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7720243/1/Book_1_Rebirth_of_a_Hero

Nonstory chapters are banned.

You shouldn’t write up character bios. If it matters, it belongs in the story, if it doesn’t, it shouldn’t be brought up.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7720395/1/Fight_Against_All_Odds

[“Mi?” The creature said]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[the Mightyena’s fur, scratching the Pokemon’s ear. ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[The Goth everyone in Hoenn knew of Andy Purdy, the fiercesome Dark-speciality trainer who had taken everyone by surprise. But they all also knew of her downfall. How she had fought the Elite Four so incredibly well, and how when faced by Steven, the Champion, she had almost won. At the very last second, he had . She was nothing more than every other trainer who had come before her. A little rougher around the edges, perhaps, but still the same. She did not have what it took to be the Champion. Besides, who would want their Champion to look like her? ]

Spellcheck. Also, way to embody the whiny goth stereotype. What exactly prevents her from trying again to beat Steven, particularly if the first fight was that close?

[Unova, the undiscovered region, was home to hundreds of new Pokemon, and he wanted to see all of them. And he would let Andy go in his place, to go through the eight gyms, gather badges, everything she’d done here in Hoenn already. ]

…if the region is “undiscovered” it can hardly be populated by eight gyms with an established badge setup, now can it?

This is decently enough written, but it really would have worked better if you made it clear it was Andy going only because she was personally upset about failing and thought it was the best way to get stronger instead of trying to make it about how oppressed she is by others. She’s hardly going to be looked down by most people on for getting farther than the vast majority of the population ever gets.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7720631/1/Unova_Chronicles

[At 16 years old, I was about to begin my Pokémon journey around Unova. ]

Write out numbers with letters.

Trainers start at ten.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“Hi Amez. I guess you’ve been waiting for me,” she laughed, ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Speaking of said, use it. It doesn’t bite.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7720682/1/Raised_On_Magma_Water

[“Is that a kid?” One man asked, turning to look at a little girl that had come out of the tall grass than back to the other man. “…Yeah…uh…where’s your family…little girl?” The other asked the girl ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

When you’re referring to events happening in a sequence, you use thEn, as in, one thing happened and then another. The word thAn is for comparisons between two things, as in, I’d rather read something with proper grammar than something without it.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Also, the psychotic leaders of the two enemy teams are not going to randomly adopt a girl who stumbles onto their path, let alone jointly.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

People are still writing sue gets adopted by Aqua/Magma. I don’t know why this surprises me when people are still writing Ash gets Misty a bike but it does.

2 Comments

  1. Ember says:

    “Besides, who would want their Champion to look like her?”

    …Has she SEEN what various gym leaders, frontier brains, Elite Four members, and champions look like?

    “People are still writing sue gets adopted by Aqua/Magma.”I had no idea that this was a thing.

    1. Farla says:

      It’s not as common as having an eevee, but it does crop up with a certain regularity. I think it’s because they’re not straight evil like TR, but you still have the specialness of belonging to an enemy team.

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