NaRe 2022 Day 3 (13 +1)

More “why are you saying this is the same character” issues, as usual, and a genre-aware isekai that’s probably is just a usual one but could possibly be a very stealth meta deconstruction of typical isekai instead. Plus an earnest attempt at a science-of-pokemon thing that’s very rough.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14016289/1/The-P-Project

[Ghetsis, the king of Unova with sinister intentions, decided that Team Plasma should liberate Pokémon and possibly rob the other regions of their Pokémon as well. He also used a brainwashing device to make Pokémon attack innocent people, including their trainers.

As the regions get rebuilt, a professor named Cheren began a project called “The P Project”, which was to create superhuman people with Pokémon genes, who would combat against the brainwashed monsters Ghetsis controlled. Of course, he needed to find people that were willing to take on the task and accept the risk.

Ghetsis had a son named Natural Harmonia Gropius, better known as N, who hated the idea of liberating Pokémon. N did not live with his foster father or foster sisters and lived with a rather tomboyish Pokémon trainer named Hilda White.

The adventure of truth and ideals begins!]

… Okay, this is at least a smidge more understandable an AU than N being a fairy prince, but it’s still pretty much the characters having the opposite personalities. Ghetsis hates the idea of liberating pokemon, N loves it, and the whole setup is that N and the protagonist, truth and ideals, start off in conflict rather than on the same side. If you find yourself writing, “this is Character Name, and his notable traits here are how he has the opposite of all his canon traits” then why are you even calling him that name?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Please don’t refer to people as “the male” and “the female” all the time. At best, it sounds weird and uncomfortable.

[N’s eyes widened and his mouth dropped open. “You want to fuse me with Pokémon?!” He then scowled angrily. “Pokémon aren’t some tools to create superhumans, they’re my friends! Sure, I don’t like what Ghetsis is doing, but humans and Pokémon shouldn’t be fused together! Tell me, do you have a dream?”

“I do.” said Cheren. “But that dream won’t come true unless you cooperate with me!”

N’s eyes became dark, and his scowl only grew. “So, you don’t have a dream? As if a person without a dream could ever understand me!” He quickly stood up from the desk and left. Hilda made an apologetic face.

“Sorry.” said Hilda. “Don’t listen to him, I think your idea is fantastic! N is just really close to Pokémon and sees them as his friends, so his brain isn’t used to the idea of fusing people with Pokémon.”

“I’m glad at least you understand.” said Cheren in relief. ]

Wow. Even N completely abandoning any actual ideals in favor of bootlicking the status quo wasn’t good enough. His supposed love interest sees him draw any line and have any opinion contrary to what someone else says and she’s saying that oh, his stupid dummy brain just works so slow he doesn’t realize you’re right. The delusional little idiot actually sees pokemon as his friends! He’ll need time to get over it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14016356/1/Across-The-PokeVerse (4)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“You belong to me now. I don’t have long so listen carefully, I want you to send Ash Ketchum back to the past. And send the past version of him to the present. The chosen one can not be allowed to interfere with my plans. Now hurry!”

The golden figure watched Celebi vanish and took a deep breath as the mythical Pokemon did.

The figure began to vanish and smiled to itself. Phase one was complete. And nothing could go wrong

—-

Celebi was required to obey the order, but…. Celebi knew that the order had some “wiggle room”

The device was forcing Celebi to send Ash back and forward. But, Celebi would try and make his adjustment as easy as possible.

Celebi flew to Snowbelle City sometime in the recent past and grabbed Ash Ketchum. If Celebi was required to send Ash to the future, it may as well be the most competent version of Ash. And Celebi needed to make sure Ash had all of his Pokemon with him. Celebi grabbed Pikachu and put him on Ash’s chest with the rest of his Pokemon in their balls on a belt.]

Uh, it has a lot more wiggle room than that. Swapping Ash with his self an hour ago would fulfill it. If Celebi’s intentionally trying to wiggle out of the order as much as possible, I’m pretty sure even swapping Ash from a second ago would count. (Plus, interpreting Ash as a chosen one means he’s been doing that chosen one destiny stuff for most of his time as a trainer, so this isn’t like a situation where the hero has just become an unstoppable force and it’s semi-reasonable for the villain to think just rolling things back to before their recent powerup will do it. It should be pretty obvious not only Ash from several months ago but Ash from several years ago is still someone you’d like to avoid if possible, so it makes no sense a villain wouldn’t specify how far into the past.)

…plus the weirdness of sending the person you don’t want to interfere into the recent past, where unless Celebi intervenes again, they’re going to have time pass on their end until they reach your present again and are now even more experienced and able to team up with their other self. You do mention the whole chosen one business is why Ash is getting targeted in the first place, and it could be that the chosen one has to exist during their established timeline so removing one by death or punting them into the Jurassic is just asking for them to pop back up when you least expect them, but that kind of thing is convoluted enough you should probably have your villain give a full speech about how they’d love to actually get rid of Ash properly but it’s not an option because chosen one destiny crap prevents it but they figured out this clever loophole to get rid of Ash without tripping the chosen one safeguards.

Also, a lot of your sentences are missing ending punctuation.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

So I think this is just the usual fanwankery about not liking that Ash got a new team and it’s all a very elaborate way to get Ash’s team from the end of one region over into the current region’s plot.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14016434/1/The-World-of-Pokemon-Creepypastas (0)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Write out numbers with letters.

[Never caught one, never cared to, and after what I went through I’m surprised I ever looked at one again.]

Pokemon are all animal life and a good chunk of the plants and inorganic objects around him. This isn’t like not being into exotic snakes or something.

[and unmistakably by her eyes she was a Hex Maniac.]

Trainer classes are not like, human subspecies or something. They’re a game design shorthand.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14016848/1/That-Awkward-Moment

[Flashback:]

Don’t do this. Don’t label it, and also, this is possibly the most pointless flashback I’ve ever seen. You have two lines saying she’s looking, then flashback to her being told to look, then jump back to the present where she’s looking. You could’ve just written it in order.

[“It wasn’t until after I tested a sample of your hair, that I realized there was more to the instructions. It read that when the person is cloned, the clone wouldn’t look similar, and that the clone would be of the opposite gender. The personality may be fairly similar, and clone will be of the same age. I mean, isn’t that mostly going against what a clone is? ]

No, it’s having nothing whatsoever to do with a clone.

Look, if your story relies on the idea May is very gullible, that still doesn’t mean saying stupid bullshit you didn’t think through makes a good story. “I did a magic spell” is not only more plausible but flat out sounds less dumb than “it was a clone except for how nothing about it was a clone, and also somehow they’re at school with a complete backstory and clothing and everyone including the both of us thinking they’ve always been here”.

Also, this is even less a pokemon fic than it is one about clones. Using familiar names in your original fiction doesn’t mean it should get posted as fanfic.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14016864/1/Pokemon-The-Adventures-of-Makoto-Sukihara

There’s thousands of stories with this sort of title. Think about what you’re actually writing about and what’s unique about it, and get a title from that instead of labeling it with the broader genre it fits into.

[Authors forward: This story is of my own adventures of the whole franchise however the character will be a female instead of being male like I really am I will be playing the games out of order from each other however and that will also be the order I will write her adventures in each region The first one is Hoenn region and Also unlike the stories I will be increasing the age of new trainers (Because lets face it…10 year olds should NOT be going out on adventures like that they need to be at least 18) also She will have her own design and not look like any of the Avatars that are in the games]

Use ‘s for possessive words. Stop capitalizing words at random. Write out letters with numbers. Use periods and commas instead of your sentences being smashed together in an endless string. Use ‘ when you’re writing a contraction of two words. An eighteen year old trainer going on adventures that ten year olds easily handle is not actually a super suspenseful and impressive thing that’s interesting to read about.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14016956/1/Reborn-Purpose

I’m not really sure what to make of this.

It’s a genre-aware isekai protagonist who’s inevitably going to go “yeah, that sure is what happened”, but you still have ten paragraphs of setup for that for some reason.

[If he truly was isekaied as he theorized, then he was damn glad that he was reborn into Pokemon! If he got placed in a world like Dragon Ball, Tokyo Ghoul, Attack On Titan, then you sure as hell know he wouldn’t be as calm as he was right now! Especially if it was Tokyo Ghoul or AOT! Pokemon was actually pretty cool, the pokemon can prove to be pretty dangerous, but overall it was a relatively peaceful world, definitely more peaceful compared to others he could think of. ]

And this is totally true, but in that case I really don’t get what the point of having a friendly system hand out overpowered abilities to him. Especially when he’s already got better stats than a pokemon he catches, and he’s getting buried in quest rewards for breathing successfully so he’s going to be leveling like mad.

On top of that, the one overpowered ability that you seemingly didn’t give him is one to generate extra-special pokemon for him (…which is the only ability that seems it’d actually lend itself to the fun kind of overpowered godmode play in this universe…) and instead it’s coincidence that his “random” starter pokemon is a rare and popular pokemon species and happens to be of mathematically pretty much impossible high potential, which means this is the sort of fic where everything goes right for the main character without needing any help from the system interface cheats, and what’s the point of having both of those at once?

[“Oof. Did you have to mention that I’m single? Even if I never pursued a relationship, it hurts to see it…”

It was true that Declan never really went out to get himself into a relationship with one of his female peers, he wasn’t gay. It wasn’t because he was uninterested, he was indeed curious about what love felt like, it was just that school was stressful, there wasn’t any time for him to be in a relationship.]

This is so awkwardly written. The fact it said he was single doesn’t have anything to do with if he’s not interested in girls because he’s interested in boys given it’s not like two boyfriends somehow cancels out and results in both being listed as single, so there’s no point in bringing up that he’s not gay in response. Being gay also wouldn’t have to do with being interested in love or not or being too busy for a relationship. Right now the only way it makes sense as a string of thoughts is if he’s absolutely interested in guys and it’s coming out in him denying it seemingly out of the blue any time the subject of relationships comes up.

If you were actually trying to assert his heterosexuality here, just saying he never had a relationship with a girl because despite being interested he didn’t feel like he had time would’ve made it actually sound like he legitimately only has those kinds of thoughts about girls.

Though actually, the start of the fic says the love interest’s already set and while it denies it’s one particular female character, it does not use pronouns for whoever was actually picked, and their penname is Towards TheHeavens which sounds a lot like the penname of the author of the story the protag of Scum Villain gets isekaied into, who was a gay guy writing shitty het for the clicks…

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14017136/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Melos-Destruction-s-Symphony

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Her. The mental shift always snuck up on her. It had no rhyme or reason to when it happened or why. All she knew is that it had made life in this small town unnecessarily difficult. It was part of the reason she had waited for so long to become a trainer. Looking down at her wrists and arms only reminded her how mean and cruel the world could be. Seemingly endless nights crying until she fell asleep. The even longer school days as the other children bullied her for being different. ]

So, aside from the fact it really makes no sense that discrimination in your hometown and especially at school you’re stuck going to would mean waiting super long to leave and get away from all that…

[ The boy thanked Professor Demikins before turning towards Delta, a big fat stupid smile plastered over his stupid-looking face.

“Oh! You must be the professor’s… uh, daughter?” The boy asked. Delta rolled his eyes, doing his best to push his anger at missing out on obtaining one of the starters down where it wouldn’t cause a problem.

“The pronouns you’re looking for are ‘he and him’,” Delta replied. The boy’s smile faltered a bit as he studied Delta’s face. He looked Delta up and down once before shrugging his shoulders and returning that stupid grin to his face.

“Either way, it’s really nice to meet you! The name’s Caleb Harkins.”]

…it really seems like at least some of the issue Delta’s having is broader than people being intentionally cruel because they hate anyone different. Having really strong feelings about what your gender is but having which one it is change suddenly for reasons not even you understand is probably going to lead a lot of hurtful situations, but it’s also unreasonable to expect each and every total stranger you meet to guess correctly how to handle that, including guessing that when you do state your pronouns that at any time and with no warning those will become wrong. And while still assuming the gender of everyone else, no less – more so than this kid, even, since he at least hesitated and tried to figure out what the right one was to say, but I guess not assuming that might’ve gotten in the way of Delta also assuming he was stupid from how he looks.

Delta being like this seems plausible – this does seem like something that’d leave you on your very last nerve with everyone, and also leading to preemptively hating people because you’re in just that bad of a mood. But the narration either needs to be a step back getting into Delta’s way of handling it isn’t necessarily helping with their problems – especially whatever chain of reasoning led to the idea school being awful means don’t leave school to be a trainer – or else you need to better show that that the problem really is just other people/external and Delta would be fine otherwise. Right now your only sample of the way the rest of the world treats Delta is someone who doesn’t seem to have any issue with them once it’s brought up and then a villain who is if anything going out of his way to not misgender anybody, using gender-neutral terms both toward Delta and when reporting back to his superior about Delta.

Also, having a character say that in this region, eevee are boring common pokemon nobody likes does not change the fact that you gave your main character a popular and super overused starter, and merely makes Delta look even worse for the extended lead-in over how awful it is not to get a special pokemon for a starter. It’s the pokemon-specific version of having a character angst about their looks because they’re skinny with long flowing blonde hair and bright blue eyes and the palest smoothest skin and how nobody in their culture thinks that’s pretty, woe.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14017168/1/Gardenia-Ghostbound (0)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[So she took a deep breath and took hold of the thick handle. Her heart immediately started hammering in her chest, but she bit her lip and squared her shoulders, wrenching the door open before she could change her mind.

“Hello!” She called into the manor. “Any… any Ghost-type Pokémon in here. I… er… I brought some poffins to share, if anybody wants some.”

She held up the picnic basket she’d brought with her almost as if it were a shield, like she was hoping any rampant Ghosts inside would attack it instead of her.]

She’s a trainer – why doesn’t she have her pokemon out for not just actual protection but the more important reassurance of a friend? You’re trying to replicate the feel of being all by yourself in a scary place but that’s just not how canon works. It wouldn’t prevent you from having Gardenia get ambushed because you could just have a ghost deal with her pokemon first.

And having a ghost pokemon deal with her pokemon would do a little to bridge the fact the opening really has nothing much to do with the rest of the fic, which is just that she stumbled into bondage porn. Another thing that’d help would be if Fantina doing this was in any way connected to Gardenia deciding to check out the place, like people overhearing even more noise than usual and wanting their gym leader to investigate, rather than Gardenia just getting the idea in her head out of the blue and it being a complete coincidence.

[I promise, I’m not going to try to catch any of you…”]

Also, you earlier say that she does want a rotom, so is she lying here?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14017313/1/Heavenly-Clouds (2)

[My name is Aster Ketchum, but you can call me Ash, basics first, I was born here in Fortree City, Hoenn, and I’ve been living here since then, I am 19 years old, despite being young, I’ve made myself quite a name as you can see, I am the leader of Team Delta, therefore, your superior, but it’s more of a title than anything, please, don’t look at me as boss, but rather a leader, back to the important topic, as you know, we’re an environmental group that protects Hoenn and its citizens and Pokemon]

Really baffled what the point is of saying your character’s Ash somehow.

[“Admin, were out of Pokemon!” One of the grunts called.]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

It’s “we’re”, short for “we are”. Contractions need an apostrophe.

[Ash searched for another Poke Ball and much to the draconid’s surprise, what came out of it was a human girl with fair skin and yellow eyes, she was wearing a blue maid outfit and her red hair was braided in two long ponytails, she then ran to Ash and gave him a hug as she nuzzled to him. “N-Nice to see you too, Alita.”

“W-Wait! People can be caught now?!” Zinnia exclaimed.

“Uh? No sorry, Alita, would you mind?” The maid giggled and gave a spin, revealing herself as a Latias in a flash of light.

“Wow…so you’re a Pokemon…” Zinnia looked at her.

“I’m Mr. Ketchum’s Dragon-Type maid, mind you.” The Latias answered with telepathy, surprising Zinnia and her grandmother again.]

What the fuck.

Look, YKINMKATO but warn people about your slavemaid fetish instead of springing it on people in the middle of a T fic that just said it was about Ash meeting Zinnia.

We need an acronym for “Your Kink Would Be Okay If You Knew It Was A Kink But You Don’t And It’s Creepy”.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14017355/1/Pokemon-Journeys-Season-2-Mew-s-Adventue-in-the-Orange-Islands (4 – it’s a sequel)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[Mew’s mind flashbacks to the day Pikachu, Eevee, and herself are on their journey. As they travel, they meet Poliwag who is being chased by a Spearow, and Mew quickly has Pikachu use Thunderbolt to chase it away. Only after that, it calls out the rest of it’s flock and begins to chase after them.]

So what actually happened with Ash is that he wanted to attack pokemon that were just living their lives minding their own business, but Pikachu wasn’t following his orders yet, therefore he decided to do it himself and smacked an innocent spearow in the head with a rock. The upset spearow then went after Pikachu, who attacked it, and then now even more injured spearow called for backup. It was, in other words, much more interesting than “perfect saint main character saw somebody getting hurt for no reason and defended this innocent stranger, which only made the evil bullies with no actual reason for doing anything angrier”. It also made sense as a result that the fearow could still hold a grudge about that, while as you have Mew complain, here it makes no sense to care and it’s only happening because you’re trying to keep the same events as in canon even though it’s a different character and you didn’t actually stick close enough to the canon details for it to work.

“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is possessive.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14017391/1/A-Prank-Gone-Wrong-A-Sister-s-Love (0)

Don’t capitalize random words. Use spellcheck.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

This appears to be baby’s first issuefic about how deadly prank wars are bad.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14017530/1/Pokemon-Biology (1)

[The Electrode line is one of the 2 android species of the Kanto region. Posessing a shell primarily composed of Steel and Brass compounds surrounding an organic inner core Electrode are predators of the deep cave systems spanning northern Kanto. ]

Should be something more like:

[The electrode line is one of the two cyborg species of the Kanto region. Possessing a shell primarily composed of iron and copper compounds surrounding an organic inner core, electrode are predators of the deep cave systems spanning northern Kanto. ]

Don’t capitalize things that aren’t proper nouns, write out numbers with letters, use spellcheck, “android” means it isn’t partly organic but is wholly robotic and also that the robot is at least roughly in the shape of a human (“andro-” to mean “man”) while “cyborg” at least roughly fits as for a term meaning a mix of robot and organic that may be in any shape , steel and brass are already compounds because they’re not elements, and you really need to use more commas.

[Since they will die without evolution and cannot attack, they are classified as a proto-pokemon instead of a Baby Pokemon.]

When you’re defining your own words, you seem to do fine – this is a good distinction to have if you want to have some pokemon born defenseless or needing parental care as opposed to everyone being instantly battle-capable, and it’s communicated clearly. But when you’re using existing words, you seem to be grabbing one that’s just in the same zipcode of what you want and using it anyway. This is a particular issue with how you keep trying to make a distinction between metal and organic – elementally, most substances on earth are one kind of metal or another and plenty of things organic creatures eat are inorganic. Table salt’s a rock that’s made from reacting a metal with chlorine, and your blood is packed with iron. If you’re trying to say a huge part of their diet is chewing on rock walls, give the volume percentage of raw ore rather than how much is”metal compounds” of any kind.

[During the Unova-Kanto war Electrode units were trained as ammunition. By feeding them much more electricity then they could handle and then dropping them from Pidgeot’s flying above enemy lines these units devastated the Unovan targets. These supercharged Explosions cost the Electrode its life in every case, shattering their shells as fragment bombs. In the War Musuem of Vermillion City there is a memorial listing the names for each of these Electrode to honour their sacrifice.]

Other people killing you isn’t really a sacrifice you made, and this sounds like the sort of thing people want swept under the rug when the war’s over rather than on display, and why would they name them when they were just wild animals getting fed something that’d happen to make them go kaboom? You don’t name the rats you’re infecting with plague.

If you want them to have been valued parts of the army with names that can end up on a memorial, you need them to have some other purpose that allowed for actual training with soldiers and longer-term interactions, like having them be powering a tank, with the explosion being a last-ditch thing.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14017567/1/Eon-Siblings

[I won’t be going over every episode, since that would take far too long to do, but I’ll mainly be focusing on the events that would change in the anime due to Ash/Dawn being legendaries. Maybe even a few original scenarios here and there! I would still recommend watching the Anime or having a general idea of what happens.]

Okay, so, just pointing out:

The movie’s really clear that latias and latios do not transform into humans. It’s explained that it’s them messing with the light so you don’t see the actual floating dragon that’s really there, and you can even see what they really look like in the water’s reflection. The latias always takes up a latias amount of space. She can’t do things like fit into a space as small as a real girl could, and the movie also makes a point to show how careful she is touching things because the illusion girl’s arms don’t match where her arms are and the illusion girl’s legs are just empty space and all of her still feels like a latias if she bumps anyone. If you want to do a legendary pokemon actually turning into a human kid, you want a mew, because mew are the ones who know the move transform.

The movie and all other parts of the anime are clear that pokemon can understand other pokemon and they’re close to the same in intelligence. That means if you say the main characters are indistinguishable from any other person, so are all other pokemon. It’s not particular events that would change, it’s absolutely everything because if they still act the same in a world where this is true and they know it, they’re now evil and even seemingly similar events are completely different in their motivation.

[P.S: English is not my first language, so forgive me for some poor english.]

It’s not the worst I’ve seen, but you’re making a lot of mistakes. I’d really suggest finding a beta reader to go over it in more detail.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[The worker sweatdropped]

“Sweatdropped” is not an actual thing people do, it’s a drawn shorthand to make the fact they’re sweating nervously more easily noticed and look funny to the person looking at a picture. This is text. Say he was nervous if if that’s what you mean, or describe that he’s sweating.

[I found a heavily wounded Legendary near my house. I took them in, but I’m not sure which legendary it is, nor how to treat him.]

“Legendary” isn’t an actual kind of pokemon. If she sees a pokemon and she doesn’t know what it is, it’s just an unknown pokemon. At most, she might guess it’s a rare pokemon, but given how many pokemon can only be found in certain regions, even that’s a big assumption. The only time identifying a pokemon as a legendary makes sense is for someone who does know that pokemon but *as a legend*.

[Oak continued. “However, this one is much smaller than the average Latios and Latias. If I had to guess, this one seems to be only three years old.”

Delia looked shocked, and angry. “Who would do something to such a young Pokémon, and more importantly, what is such a young Pokémon doing out here?”]

Lady, you live in a world where people make babies fight each other as soon as they hatch.

Also, Play Hero Ch3

Her next instinct was to break out the bullet-spears, but if she let those rain down now, they could destroy the wooden scaffolding and send both the human and herself plummeting to the distant cavern floor. And what else was she going to do with them, fire straight ahead and shoot someone in the back?

I love how it’s not even that Undyne is consciously thinking she should do that but would rather not. She never thought about this being different than sparring with people she likes. It takes time for reality to catch up, and even more when you don’t want it to.

“I’m just trying to explain. I’ve heard what happened ninety years ago: King Asgore changed, and the Kingdom of Monsters changed with him. So there’s really a third option, isn’t there?” She held her hands out toward Undyne, palms up, as though offering some invisible gift. “I’m going to free all of you from your own hatred and mistakes. And then maybe I’ll find a way to break the barrier without any more sacrifice, but not until after you’ve all had a chance to think about what you’ve done.”

They really do make for such a good pair. Undyne has her story of being a hero, and Leela’s writing one as she goes. One bad guy making everyone else do evil is a great way to reconcile the way the monsters don’t always seem to be monsters, especially when even if they are monsters it’s hard these days to frame going into where people are just living their lives and killing them all into the act of a hero.

And the self-righteousness of saying that she might help eventually, but even if she can she’s going to wait on it – she’s a better person because she’s going to help, but also she’s a better person because she’s not them. She’s one step removed from saying they should go stand in the corner.

“And honestly? I don’t blame the ancients for sealing you. You are actual soul-stealing monsters. What did you expect?”

And this too. This has so many things that just mean evil, and obviously out-of-universe that’s a play on our expectations, but in-universe the first thing you’d do upon finding out monsters, souls, and soul-stealing monsters are real is probably not completely forget every existing association you have with those, especially when you’re also stuck in a me or them situation. And she’s only even getting the story from the monsters. If even they’re willing to admit that it was for being soul-stealing monsters, well, maybe there was nothing wrong about locking them away in the first place! (Or killing them.)

Plus about seeing her own soul – if anything, thinking about that kind of context, it’s impressive she hasn’t bought into the whole destined hero thing even harder. Souls are real, and yours is revealed like that, and it gives you the power to fight terrifying monsters who by the way are also real and once fought a whole war against humans and are collecting lost children’s souls to wage it again, and also there’s a prophesy… It’s a lot to have dumped on you even in a situation where you’re not completely alone and struggling with the ethics of killing.

“Expect my blade in your watery red guts!”
“What?” The spikes disappeared just in time for Undyne to get a full view of the disgust and horror flashing across the human’s face. “Ew!”

And the way blood just lacks that, well, visceral quality to Undyne is really interesting too. Once again, coming off so much more ghoulish if you know the context better and assume she does as well.

Undyne had enough strength left to push herself up and wrench her head free, which she did reflexively. When her wound hit the open air, she was struck by both a fresh wave of pain and a whole lot of doubt about whether that had been the right move.

Yeah, I cringed even harder hearing she tore it right out than I did the impalement itself.

“Help! Someone, anyone, please, please help! I’m sorry! I’ll go back, I’ll stay put, I’ll be good! Help me! Toriel!”

…and it’s still about there being meaning to this mess. If bad things happen to you, it’s because you’re bad. But also, if it’s punishment then the world is still fair and there’s there’s someone to beg mercy from, and when you’re in a lot of pain and terrified you’ll die, that’s better than that you have no control over it at all.

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