Quite a strange collection this time, including platonic? tickling where Ash considers Kukui his father, a story that was 90% worldbuilding setup by someone who didn’t actually seem to have any interest in the world, a scientist who didn’t know how to science, and a character from our world who tells Oak exactly that.
Hm. Definitely different and there’s stuff happening, which is a big plus. But writing to broad romcom tropes is already going to flatten and simplify the existing characters, and combining that with writing the pokemon themselves out of the story leaves this pretty forgettable. I don’t think the second part was necessary, either – there’s plenty of romcom stuff that includes pets as characters in the shenanigans or the actual tasks of a character’s job. Here all your set pieces are from our world – they’re going to restaurants or out biking, and no one so much as has pokemon out throughout it all.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14017721/1/Tickling-moment-Ash (0)
Capitalize your title properly.
[The Ash Pokemon had gone to Oranguru to drink juice. and Dexter was their Ash and Professor Kukui, watched TV.]
This sentence doesn’t make any sense, and it’s not the only one. You really need a beta reader.
…speaking of kink fic by people who don’t know it’s kink, here’s this thing.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14017736/1/Watch-The-World-Burn
[A Mightyena had murdered his trainer, why? He just felt like it. After runnning from the Police, he runs into a new trainer. Can Mightyena change his ways or does he simply just want to watch the world burn? ]
Okay, so if you say at the start that he had no reason to do this, it doesn’t make any sense to ask if he’s going to change because there’s nothing to change.
Either someone new has a chance of getting through to him, in which case his motives matter (or at least the possibility he had motives rather than you shutting that down by stating he objectively didn’t) or he’s just in it for the evulz and the fic’s question is will he succeed in killing the next trainer before they realize the danger they’re in.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14017746/1/Facing-your-challenges (1)
For titles, you capitalize almost all kinds of words, so that should be Facing Your Challenges.
In normal writing, you wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[Due to their mysterious nature, humans have become curious on where they came from. However, there isn’t much to go on, thus creating legends. This has started when humans and Pokémon have met and interacted. The most famous legend, is of a single Pokémon that created everything, however it is now in a deep sleep for using too much energy. It created thirty eight Pokémon specifically to keep balance in the world.]
That is not even close to the most famous legend. It’s like saying the most famous creation myth in our world is that all life was created by the union of Tamtum and Abzu, except that’s less obscure than the legend of Arceus is to the people of the pokemon world.
[The ranking system has six sections. The bronze section is for the newest members. The silver and then gold are for the intermediate members. While the platinum and then the titanium sections are for the experts. However, the person at the top has the diamond section all to himself.]
Using “he” as a pronoun for anybody doesn’t work very well. Gender-neutral “they” is how English handles an undetermined person.
[The way it works is that for the bronze section, you have a battle twice a week until you move onto silver. If you win a match you move up a ranking and the opposite if you lose. The same goes for all the other sections as well.]
This probably sounds good if you’re looking at it from the perspective of the games being fun and pokemon battles being fun, but would be a nightmare in practice. If you have a bad week where you don’t battle twice, what happens? What about people with limited battling opponents having to choose between a matchup that they really have no chance in or messing up that week’s required battles? Look at how a lot of qualifiers work – from Olympics to dog shows, generally the system is to say you have to participate a certain number of times, and get a certain number of total wins, but not that you have to reliably do so on an incredibly strict schedule.
[Though, in order to get into the Pokémon league, one must pass a test to prove that they are able to take care of Pokémon. ]
…wouldn’t it make significantly more sense to say in order to own pokemon you’ve got to prove you’re able to take care of pokemon?
[Thus, the league look towards the top researchers to make the courses and tests. These professors are on the top of their fields. They are Samuel Oak, Gabriel Elm, Michael Birch, Joshua Rowan, Aurea Juniper, and Augustine Sycamore. They study the relationship between people and Pokémon, breeding and interactions between Pokémon, habits in correlation with human existence, Pokémon evolutionary patterns, Pokémon origins in relation to mythology, and mega evolution respectively.]
Why would these people be the best ones to make a general application practical test for if you’re capable of doing the bare minimum to adequately care for your pokemon?
[After five years, from the age of ten, the top three people can choose between the three titans of their region. The rest must go to the nearest Pokémon league association building. In there an aspiring trainer can get a Pokémon to start them off with. It can range from a caterpie to rhyhorn to staryu to geodude. It depends on what they have for beginners.]
And once again, the issue that they’d do a lot better if they actually had that pokemon and were caring for it before this, rather than expecting them to go from zero practical experience to caring for a pokemon and doing constant battles and traveling around in the wilderness and catching piles of wild pokemon they’ll also need to care for. When we see a pokemon school in canon, the students have pokemon.
[This appeased most people and the fighting for the most part stopped. There are some groups of people who still have not accepted this way. They made it their mission to fight this way and go back to the way things were before the Pokémon league. Thus, they attack Pokémon centers and marts, and sponsored events by the league.]
Another big problem with your setup is that this is incredibly simplistic and that doesn’t go well with the idea there’s multiple groups of people who oppose it so strongly they’ve become terrorists. People had pokemon, therefore fighting, therefore League to channel this fighting into ways that didn’t damage society works as the broad strokes, but if you have people objecting to this, they need an actual thing they’re objecting to. From what you’ve said, the League is all carrot – they just give people more opportunity to battle and set it up so when that happens it’s less disruptive to the rest of society, but nothing is preventing the people not into that from brawling with each other in the street just like they’ve always done. You don’t even say that it’s mandatory to pass the test about caring for pokemon to own them because that’s only for people who like the League and want to be part of it!
In order for people to be attacking the League, the League either has to be unavoidable for people who disagree with it, like if the League also passed a lot of laws to criminalize non-League pokemon battles (or even ownership of pokemon), or to significantly expand what about the way things used to be these people want to go back to, like a belief that modern life where pokemon battles don’t cause tons of death and destruction is making people weak or something. And ideally, both, because seriously, multiple groups of terrorists means you need some pretty good reasons why anybody cares so much.
[There are also poachers who capture Pokémon in cages and sell it off on the black market. The rarer the Pokémon, the more expensive it is. For example, a pidgey won’t sell for a lot, but a dratini will be expensive.]
This one’s an issue you’re inheriting from canon, but – what separates poachers selling on the black market from trainers selling on the normal one? Is it literally just the cages? Is it blanket illegal to sell pokemon ever? Is it illegal to sell wild pokemon but if you catch them you can breed them and sell their offspring? Given this is coming after extensive setup that revolves around battling as the only thing everyone cares about, why on earth would rarity be what matters? Why wouldn’t a high level pidgey be worth more than a low level dratini?
Speaking of, you spent almost all of your first chapter on setup but the only thing you actually detail is the list of ranks and that demand people battle constantly. You don’t get into what society actually looked like pre-League, or how long it’s been, or what the objectors to the League want, or what laws there are, and for the most part there’s nothing here that doesn’t fit with existing canon with its own nebulous backstory. If you’re going to develop that in the actual story, great, but then just bring it up for the first time when it comes up in the story. The only thing you actually need to tell readers is this is an AU where there’s trainer ranks based on how well you do in battles against other trainers rather than focused on the badge system. You don’t even need to discuss how it works yet because the only important thing as of this chapter is that Oak was ranked really high.
[The people of Pallet were wondering who was stupid enough to attack Professor Oak’s laboratory in middle of the day. Considering that Professor Oak was in the titanium rank before he switched over to being a researcher. It’s a wonder why people attack that place.]
Also, I’m not sure Oak being ranked really high actually serves your story in any way, because your opening is pretty much saying, “Wow! This doesn’t make sense and is only happening because my plot requires it to anyway!” Now, if instead Oak is a really terrifying trainer because he’s working with pokemon all the time and knows a ton about them, but was too busy being a researcher to participate in the ranking system in the first place, then you’d have someone who officially should be a pushover and the answer to why someone’s stupid enough to attack his lab becomes because someone’s stupid enough to think official ranks are the only thing that matters and since he’s currently unlisted and never got above bronze when they’re all the way to silver, this will be a piece of cake.
You also really need to combine your sentences more. That should really be “Considering that Professor Oak was in the titanium rank before he switched over to being a researcher, it’s a wonder why people attack that place.”
[“A Pokémon, I’m not sure which, scratched him in the face. That will probably end up scarring him.” Professor Oak replied.]
It will probably not because faces heal pretty well. If you want Ash to get scarred up, you need a little more urgency than that “scratch” and “looks to be bleeding”. You’ve already fridged his mom for the drama and say this is supposed to be darker than canon, so commit and describe his face being sliced through to the bone or the cuts bubbling with acid or something if you want it plausible that someone can tell at a glance that yep that’s probably going to leave a lasting mark even though he’s going to get immediate medical care.
[The ace trainers couldn’t help but wince when they heard that. They were angered by the blatant disregard for the poachers lack of safety towards innocent women and children. They were angered by the blatant disregard for the poachers lack of safety towards innocent women and children. ]
I understand it’s well-meant, but the idea women need to be a protected class in a world all violence is done by telling a magic monster to do it is actually quite sexist. She was exactly as vulnerable as a man would’ve been. And it’s extra noticeable with the ace trainer thing, since while Pokemon’s canon hasn’t been perfect about this, from the start ace trainers had both male and female sprites.
Also, stealing pokemon from Oak is theft, not poaching, just like we don’t call it poaching if someone steals a person’s dog.
[The rest nodded and took the two poachers and teleported to the base of the Pokémon league for trial. ]
Okay, all you said in your very, very long history of the world was that the League was invented to give people something else to do, not that it was their entire government. It being their entire government with the right to put people on trial is pretty important to note, both for the obvious reasons that it’s their present government and the fact this means in your universe their concept of government grew out of trying to deal with the fact individual trainers are too powerful and causing nonstop chaos, which is kind of the opposite of how our government is about banding together because we’re individually pretty weak and not able to accomplish huge things on our own.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14017855/1/PMD-Seekers-of-Memory (0)
Hey, it’s grammatically correct PMD fic, which is to say, a thing that I don’t have much to say about.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14017874/1/A-League-of-Alolan-Power (3)
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
Also, you should keep the actions of the person speaking in the same paragraph as their dialogue, rather than in the same paragraph as a different speaker.
[“The winner, Alain, had a mega charizard!” Ash said excitedly. “It was a close match too! Came down to charizard vs greninja!”]
So here, when you’re referring to a charizard and a greninja using that as their personal name, it’s treated the same as you would the personal names Alain and Ash. So this would be [“The winner, Alain, had a mega charizard!” Ash said excitedly. “It was a close match too! Came down to Charizard vs Greninja!”]
[_-At Kukui’s House-_
Ash arrived at Professor Kukui’s cabin]
You do not need to label your scene changes. The narration already tells people where he is.
[Also inside you will find a glalitite. This is a mega stone that enables glalie to mega evolve. In conversation with Professor Oak of Kanto, he decided this would be the best fit for a mega stone to give you. Finding and acquiring the stone from Hoenn was a challenge, which is why the package arrived so late. We hope these items are of use to you.]
[“Ash, this is amazing!” Kukui said, “I just don’t know if this will help. You will need to either catch a glalie and form a strong bond, or catch a snorunt, form a strong bond and evolve it!” Ash laughed.
“No worries professor, I have a glalie, it was the pokemon I wanted to get from Professor Oak!”]
Okay, so I get that you like glalie and you want to write a fic where Ash focuses on it, but you need to understand characters inside a story need to have reasons for what they’re doing. It’s ridiculously contrived that Dianthe and Oak would just happen to decide the most perfect possible mega stone just happens to be a pokemon Ash would end up deciding to use right before the package arrived.
One easy way would be if Dianthe had just asked what stone Ash wanted originally. It’s more reasonable for Ash to decide he just thinks glalie’s neat and wants to use it than it is for Dianthe and Oak to somehow predict that months later, the very day before it arrives, Ash would have just decided to start using his glalie. And this would make the delay make more sense – “I’m sorry it took so long to get the specific thing you asked for” is something someone could say. “I’m sorry it took so long, we considered giving you one of the regular mega stones that you definitely could use but decided on taking forever to get one that’s really obscure instead”, not so much.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14018356/1/A-Fling-Across-Time (8)
[And this 24 year old young man]
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[ Ash couldn’t help but worry about some of the other larger pokemon as he turned away and started towards the gate, but knew they would still listen to the electric mouse regardless of size difference: beneath himself, Pikachu was their next leader, after all. ]
Your sentences tend to all be meandering to the point of confusing. In this case – he’s worried, except also he’s completely sure it won’t be an issue, and you shouldn’t be connecting the next thought with a colon there, and also “beneath himself, Pikachu was their next leader” doesn’t actually make sense in English. “Pikachu was his second-in-command” seems to be what you mean. If you’re a native speaker, reading aloud might help you tell when something’s going off the rails, and finding a beta reader would probably be really helpful.
[Regarding the choice between Serena and Dawn, I have already decided who will be the winner in the end (if any, I could be messing with you). I understand there is a Dawn fanbase and a Serena fanbase and you all want your respective girl to win, but I already know who will win and my choice will not be swayed by messages or reviews or anything.]
I’m glad to hear that and I hope you stick to your guns. I’ve seen fics where the author was building toward one ship but changed it based on reader demand, and it was always clunky and wrecked the actual storyline by coming out of nowhere.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14018438/1/Knit-One-Pearl-Too (1)
[Johanna sighed. “Diamond’s out with his dad at the moment.” she told him.]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[“Dia! Hey Dia- I mean, Diamond. You gotta hear this joke I learned!” Pearl cried out breathlessly.]
…
[“I know Dia- Diamond’s not here. But would you like to hear the joke anyway?” Pearl hoped.
Johanna was aware of the boys’ habit of turning everything into a manzai comedy routine, but she wasn’t sure how a routine meant for two people could work with just one.]
Was the idea that he wanted to tell Diamond the joke, or get Diamond because he needed another person in order to tell his new joke to people? It seems it’d make more sense if he was rushing in shouting that he wanted Diamond because he had a new joke they had to go tell everyone else, rather than so Diamond could hear it, and then decided to try doing both sides of it himself for Johanna. As it is, there’s a slight jump in Pearl sounding like he’s just thought up a joke to Johanna explaining it’s definitely a full comedy routine.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14018576/1/A-Story-of-Kings (3)
[You ever woke up in the middle of a dirt road and had to fight an above average sized fictional bird with your bare hands? Let me just say one thing, it’s not pleasant. It took me a second to realize that the bird currently trying to steal my hat was a fucking pidgey. ]
It’s nice having an isekai start here and not a whole chapter before we even get into the world!
“above average sized” is making me question what an average sized bird actually is. I mean, there are a lot of tiny birds, so I guess, but they’re a lot smaller than geese, swans, turkeys, and I think even ducks are a bit bigger. I think it’d make more sense to say an above average pigeon, or, given pidgey look closer to a sparrow, have them confused by their first impression being an apparently giant sparrow.
[“Oh? I thought all new Pokemon trainers started last month? His laboratory is at the very end of Oak St. Just walk straight until you get to the PokeCenter and take a left on Oak and it should be at the end. If you still have any trouble, just follow the loud Pokemon sounds. The ranch Pokemon tend to get rowdy sometimes.” The clerk said with a smile.]
So while the main character initially saying oh my god this is the world of Pokemon worked, since it’s a copyrighted fictional invention where they are, characters in-universe shouldn’t be capitalizing it because it’s just a word like “animals” – unless there is a very popular game called Animals (c) in universe, in which case they’d be talking about how excited they were to get their favorite Animal, a Cat, in the game.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[Ringing the doorbell, I could barely contain my excitement. I took a couple deep breaths to calm down because if I made myself a fool in front of the first canon character in the series, I’d never forgive myself.
The door creaked open. A man with slight wrinkles and graying brown hair, wearing a labcoat with a red oxford shirt peered at me. This could only be Professor Oak himself.
“Hello young man, can I help with you with anyth-”
“Hi, I’m from a universe where you’re a fictional character and this entire world is a children’s video game and I woke up in the middle of the road with no idea how I got here and I would really like your help.” I blurted out in a single breath.
The door slammed closed.]
Okay, so I really like the ending! But while I know the bit about not wanting to make a fool of themselves is setting it up, it seems unnecessarily and a little forced – someone blurting everything out without thinking makes a lot more sense than someone who does take a moment to think about how they’re going to present themself and still does this, plus it’s funny enough all on its own that it doesn’t need to be set up.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14018671/1/Ash-and-matori (0)
Capitalize your title properly.
Use periods to end sentences.
Use paragraphs. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14018811/1/Blooming-In-Adversity (0)
While the idea of a story focused on someone interested in pokemon science is novel, there’s a lot of issues in execution here, which can be summed up as all that interest seems to just be setup for her deciding to go the path always traveled of becoming a newbie trainer just like every other newbie trainer right down to having somehow never had anything to do with pokemon before.
Getting pokemon is not only easy and common, but seems to be required to move around outside of towns. It makes little sense someone interested in plants wouldn’t bother to get a plant pokemon as a pet and no sense at all that she can be camping far from any civilization without already having at least one pokemon to help her.
If you want an adult who suddenly decides to be a pokemon trainer? Just say she’s had the pokemon this whole time but had no interest in battling. You’re writing her like she’s a person from our world who’s never even thought about pokemon before and it’s this shocking new idea that hey, these pokemon things are interesting. And you say that they can battle each other? And this would also help with the idea she’s supposed to be good at the eventual battling – someone good at raising pokemon and using them in other contexts could much more plausibly make the jump to being good at battling than someone who’s just got a baby pokemon and barely knows how to care for it.
As a related problem, you’re also writing her like a kid. Since this is romance, I’m assuming you really want to keep the age at twenty-one, so in that case, think about how you’re writing Ash as knowing what he’s talking about, and consider that someone who’s been spending that same period doing nonstop research should know also know a lot about what she’s talking about instead of the sum total of her supposed knowledge being that she hasn’t a clue what to do with plant pokemon because all she ever learned was dissecting plants.
Which leads into the third problem, you’re writing her like she’s a scientist but she doesn’t seem to actually know very much, both in the sense of having little specific knowledge and seeming quite helpless at figuring out how to research anything in general. She’s more like a plant fangirl than a plant researcher.
[ She walked into the forest and began to collect dew from the underside of the plants. The research notes said that Sunkern only feeds on dew from plants which could be debated because it can also eat pokemon food. However, rather feed it something natural, and what it’s used to than give it man-made food. After collecting a bottle full of dew she walked back to her small campsite. ]
Let’s start here from a scientific viewpoint.
It’s not that it could be debated. If it can eat regular pokemon food, then it unarguably can eat that. And there’s a much bigger difference between actual food and dew than that one’s “man-made” – and anyway, what sort of scientist doesn’t know that there can be all sorts of man-made pollutants in unknown dew, while the food is presumably being made to a particular standard? Or that dew is not a single thing, and so dew from plants could mean the collected water droplets from mist condensing on leaves or it could be coming out of the plant itself? The fact sunkern feed specifically on plant dew rather than any dew implies it’s the second one, which would mean they’re presumably getting trace amounts of the plant sap in the process, but in that case, which plant you get it from is going to be important – could be only some plants produce dew with the nutrients sunkern need, or even that some other ones might have toxins they use against other plants in the dew, to say nothing of what could happen if she collects dew from a plant infected with a fungus or virus.
Furthermore, if sunkern are capable of eating actual food which must contain hundreds or thousands of times the calories and nutrients they’re getting from dew, what do the two different diets do to their health? Do sunkern given a normal pokemon diet grow ridiculously fast? Are they at risk of poisoning from the high levels of nutrients, or getting some sort of plant diabetes from the calorie overload? If as far as anyone can tell they do fine, why not feed them a diet where you’re sure they’re not going to be malnourished if you get the wrong dew? Is the real risk feeding them solid food but forgetting that sunkern naturally drink enormous quantities of water to get their food, and so they need to be provided with filtered water too?
This is the sort of thing that someone could actually be studying, instead of just deciding that they figure the dew is better, showing no interest in why the dew is better or how sunkern’s biology actually works, and then going back to lamenting that they have no idea how to study pokemon if cutting parts off isn’t an option.
[“Thank you!” The man happily thanked her before turning to his Pikachu, “You hear that buddy? This nice lady offered us some more!”]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14018826/1/The-Pok%C3%A9Camp-Beginning (0)
Script format’s banned on this site. If you don’t want to risk this getting deleted, write it out in prose.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
All sentences should end in punctuation.
Write out numbers with letters.
And once more, another previous review, Calling on a Friend
I really, really like the rhythm you have between the two and how good Frisk is at being there for him, without it being a matter of Frisk just always being a bland saint who knows the right thing to say. Like:
“You’ve been down the mountain!” you exclaim. You’re so glad. You were worried about him up here all alone.
“What?” He suddenly looks a lot less smug than he did a moment ago. “No, I haven’t! Come on, anyone could have predicted that!”
“Liar, liar! You’ve been down the mountain!”
Such kids! It all really gets across that they’re actually friends, that Frisk really does care about him and is here because they want to be, that he’s still capable of having positive relationships with people and liking things about being alive. (And it doesn’t have to be perfect, like how the pebble game goes wrong, or big things, like how much he likes the rainbow wrapping paper.)