Some varied flavors of self-inserts, one of those ones that’s at once ultragrimdark and yet ridiculously ungrimdark because the characters will somehow manage anyway, and yet another “AU” where a different character is hammered so firmly into the original’s mold they’re repeating the same dialogue.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14185711/1/He-s-all-Grown-Up
[annul tournament.]
Annual.
[only Pokemon]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[9 years had changed Ash and Misty could not help but appreciate it he had grown from a cute boy to a very handsome young man. 9 years travel and labor had sculpted his body in to having hard but athletic muscles.]
Write out numbers with letters.
[ it’s proud history]
“It’s” means “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.
[ There was little doubt women would love him more now ”But he’s all mine.” A jealous part of her growled. ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14185994/1/WantsToJourney-Challenge-Darren-s-Journey
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
There’s no particular sense to this.
[ Ever since I was brought up being a Pokémon Trainer on my tenth birthday, my parents have been harsh on me. First off, instead of a Vermillion City shopping spree, they’ve pressuring me with more work. I’ve been dealing with so much community service, I’m starting to get tired of it. Luckily, every assignment is giving me more allowance that I’m using to plan my special day. ]
This starts off sounding like his parents are trying to use him for their own gain in the short time they have left, except community service wouldn’t be giving them money and instead they’re bleeding money giving him extra allowance for doing so.
You ultimately never give an explanation for why his parents hate the idea of him being a trainer, were previously planning on a shopping spree for his birthday if they’re so generally hateful, or why community service and extra money is their preferred punishment for wanting to be a trainer, or why “community service” seems to just refer to something that’s a regular job throughout this despite it by definition being unpaid work, or why, if this is only happening because they’re mad he’s going to be a trainer, he also thinks he needs to hide all evidence he’s still planning to become a trainer so they won’t find out, or why this need to hide stuff doesn’t apply to his actual money.
[ The letter said that until my 11th birthday, Professor Oak will send me supplies for my journey! As I breathe a sigh of relief, I hide the first of many travel supplies underneath my bed. This package included cooking equipment and a sweet backpack for all of the supplies. Looks like I have something to look forward to after every exhausting week of work. I just hope that my parents don’t see this.]
Then you have this ridiculous thing where Professor Oak hears that someone wants to be a trainer and only has an increasingly large amount of stored money to do so, so he decides to buy them everything, but send it exactly once a week in small increments for the sake of drama, by sending flock upon flock upon flock of birds, rather than just saying he’ll give the kid supplies when he shows up to be a trainer.
Also, I don’t know why you even specified it’s the anime and then for some reason have him needing to wait until age eleven, when ten is the age you can demand a starter from a professor and it’s established early on that you can become a trainer even younger.
[however, more people have been secretly giving me support. This came in the form of secret notes, extra allowance, and even private compliments. ]
If they actually support him so much in the community, they could just stop making him do community service when his parents send him, and also if he’d being given money by other people after doing work, that’s not “extra allowance”, that’s paying him if it’s the people he’s doing the work for, and “charity” if it’s bystanders.
[ What I found out on the last note was rather unsettling, to say the least. Turns out, the last note was from a nearby Officer Jenny and she asked me for a favor. Whenever I could, she wanted me to come down to the nearby police station. This was a chance, but I couldn’t take it yet. I needed to wait for the perfect moment for this plan to work.]
There is also, it turns out, no actual explanation for why he waits, besides your claim that somehow “the notes” he’s getting saying he’s a good worker will help convict his parents of being part of Team Rocket.
[Thankfully, after my last couple of community shifts, my parents will give me all the money that they saved up for me.]
Seriously, this is so incoherent. His parents are evil incarnate and he has to keep everything a secret from them, but also he doesn’t in the slightest doubt that they’re faithfully saving money for him.
[nd now my parents have been arrested. They were screaming on the phone demanding what I’d done. I simply told Jenny to tell them that they were done, as much as I loved them, being part of Team Rocket was not my destiny. As they screamed in shock, Jenny told me that my Trainer Life could now begin. That’s when I hung up the phone and said goodbye to the old life I once had. Looking up at the stars, I knew that I destroyed my parent’s trust and they’ll never forget nor forgive me for that. ]
I mean – yeah? He pretty obviously doesn’t love them. He has no idea why they do anything. He wants to be a trainer, he guesses they made him do hard work because they were mad about him saying that and that they were going to force him to join Team Rocket, he doesn’t actually wonder about why either of those things is true because this isn’t a story about why, it’s a story about how your character is a very put-upon woobie who simultaneously everyone loves and supports to the point of literally [the other city folk started to applaud for me.] followed by him rescuing a shiny charmander from someone beating it up and leaving it for dead for, like everything else in this fic, no reason whatsoever.
So my guess here is this is someone very crudely copying story beats from Harry Potter, unless there’s some more recent kid’s book that involves birds bringing a kid stuff in weekly intervals that they must hide from their mean family.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14185939/1/Gotta-Catch-Ya-Again
[“Hi, Pika-pal,” she laughed and slackened the fishing line that had gotten caught on his wrist, “Hey, Mr. Pokemon Master.”]
[“Haha! I am essentially a Pokemon Master now…,” he scratched the back of his head.]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14186037/1/Paldean-Kalos-adventure
Your title should really say more about your story than its general location
[Bently arrived in Kalos, we came from Paldea and wanted to explore this new region to have new experiences and see new pokemon. He breathed in the new air, Paldea was behind him, this region was his new home, the last year or so was one of the worst, yet best of his life. He wanted to learn about the pokemon of this region and even challenge some gym leaders, whatever to get his mind off of what happened to him. Bently had blonde hair and blue eyes. He wore a white-blue flannel and blue jeans.]
This is a mess of an opening paragraph. You have what seem to be several sentences stuck together, a typo of “we” for “he” just a few words in, and a general air of incoherence.
Also, you should absolutely have not ended by suddenly listing his appearance and clothing. It has nothing to do with the rest of the paragraph and isn’t worth mentioning like this in the first place.
I would strongly suggest you get a beta reader.
[a wounded Fletchling]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[(1 hour later)
“He is feeling better now, glad you found him” Nurse Joy said as the wounded Fletchling came back without a scratch]
Just work your transitions into the main narration, like [“He is feeling better now, glad you found him” Nurse Joy said one hour later as the wounded Fletchling came back without a scratch]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14186403/1/Anxiety
[And yes these legendaries CAN transform into people.]
I think you mean “humans”. “People” is a really loaded term for this – for example, if you took a loaded gun and shot something that wasn’t a person, that would not be murder, but it would definitely be a pretty weird moral system to say it’s totally fine for someone else in the fic to shoot up these named characters as long as they pull the trigger a second before they transform, right?
[ a Suicune]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[ But it would makrk the first time in nearly twelve hundred years that somebody would pass through those hallowed halls.]
Spellcheck. Also, this overall doesn’t seem to have a clear viewpoint on how serious this is supposed to be or, more broadly, a clear point as a story. Like, yes, she’s anxious, so title covered. But it’s impossible to put that anxiety into context, to have an opinion about if she’s reasonably or overly anxious or actually too chill about all this, because the information you give just whiplashes around. [I wouldn’t worry too much, Leanne. The Trials aren’t too crazy.] but also [ the Thunder trial. Mixing the wrong herbs to go by a ward could kill her?] but also [Relax, Leanne. Fatalities were pretty rare.] and so on, without even something like her saying the legendaries have really skewed perspectives on what’s a “pretty rare” no big deal percentage of death or her giving enough detail to establish if wrong-herb-mixing that kills you would require some really weird screwup that would almost never happen by accident and she’s just upset it’s even possible.
So there’s no particular flow to her anxiety about the trials – she’s concerned, they’re not concerned, it’s not clear who’s right, she’s going to do it anyway which she already committed to at the start of the story and she’s going to be anxious about it like she was at the start of the story, with the conversation and internal thoughts that happen having changed nothing in particular, and then it just abruptly ends with her thinking about not wanting some particular legendaries to wake without that having much to do with the current issue of whether or not she’ll succeed or die.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14186431/1/Making-Friends
[May did come across other Trainers, but she beat them easily. She spent all the money she won on treats for herself and her Pokemon.]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
I guess this is your self-insert, since it doesn’t seem to be lining up with your shotacon label when it’s functionally just your standard guy has biggest dick therefore women want to all fuck him thing, down to them being so male-fantasy oriented that they’re super excited to suck him off and also talking about how he’s so strong and generally bog-standardly hitting the porn checklist of things wat make you real man, but you say he’s a kid somehow. Don’t know whatever that kink’s actually called, but maybe figure out whatever the right term is for kinking on someone who looks young being an ultra manly fuckmaster as good or better than anyone older? And then label it that.
Why yes, this is way more offputting to see than porn that’s just written incompetently to the point it makes you wonder if a kid wrote it, even though this is at least more certainly an adult. I sincerely hope there’s an established term for this and also that everyone uses it from now on.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14186451/1/Champion-s-Journey-for-Passionate-Victory
Your title should really say more about your individual story than the general genre.
[the old Professor next to it]
[like a Gyarados]
[his Grandpa’s expression]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[“Exactly Red, thank you.” The Professor said, as he congratulated him, “They needed one last ditch effort to end the war for good, and both sides knew what place the battle would commence. As you can see-“]
[“Huh?” He replied eloquently.]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
Like a lot of the grimdark “realistic” pokemon stuff, the setup here is far less realistic than canon ever was. There are tons of trainers, but also almost none, and it’s both very common and quite hard to become one, and there’s a population-crippling death rate, that also somehow none of the kids ever heard of before, and [It was actually pretty common at the time for young adults to become Trainers to support their families, and there weren’t many jobs available since the economy was preparing for war.”] ah yes, gearing up for war, famously a time when the economy shuts down and there are no jobs because it’s not like there’s anything the government might want to pay people to do, and definitely at that time, with the no jobs because nothing kills economy like gearing up for war, throwing massive amounts of money into letting random kids wander around fighting each other and battling gym leaders such that they can all support themselves and their new pets is absolutely what makes sense.
[The numbers were a bit skewed though, as many Trainers tend to go off the grid for several months at a time for training, and can forget to inform others of it. So The League ended up falsely declaring them dead until they show back up again.]
Really not going to have much impact on your numbers. If the League does this in the first place, it’s because the other times you don’t hear from someone for months they’re actually dead. That means that while the official death toll at a given moment might include a couple people who are going to show back up again, it’s also going to be short the ones who are dead but won’t be added in for another month or two. And if, somehow, it was vastly more common for people to go missing and get prematurely declared dead than people actually die and never have a body be found, the response would just be to change how many months of no contact it takes before you’re assumed dead. Moreover, given you’re claiming the League wants people to be trainer and doesn’t like publicizing how dangerous it can get, they have a huge incentive to push this in the other direction instead and only officially say someone’s dead after as long a period as possible – and given how this sort of thing works, it’s extremely easy to just refuse to include people in the official death numbers without an official death, and as a bonus, way less work than keeping track of if you’ve heard from every last person within, say, three months.
[I want to explore what it’s like in the world of Pokémon that isn’t like the anime, but isn’t some hardcore edgy death world as well.]
Twenty percent is one out of every five people. And that’s just the death rate, not even the number of people who get mangled but survive it, and then you say of the remainder who must look fine for Red to not know this, they’re all traumatized wrecks who either can’t even speak of it and the one person who does tell Red it’s not pure awful breaks down crying while thinking about what it was like.. I have seen explicitly hardcore edgy death world fics that were less absurd than this.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14186525/1/Super-Effective-on-a-Single-Brick-Brain
[“Yes, well…luck sure does seem to play a role,” sighed Penny.]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[and…-” ]
Also, it’s either a dash or an ellipsis, not both.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14186620/1/My-Girlfriend-is-a-Pokemon
[…My girlfriend’s a Pikachu.]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[ However, one day, everything suddenly changed, not just for me, but for everyone and every Pokémon in every corner of every region. Pokémon around the world underwent a strange and startling transformation, turning into humanoid creatures that retained features of their usual Pokémon selves. But they also gained the ability to speak full sentences like us, get jobs like us, and so much more.]
For a brief and let’s face it stupid moment here, I thought this meant your fic where he fucks a pikachu has the pikachu as an equal. I mean, you literally wrote that! But haha no of course everyone owns their pokemon him very much included.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14186750/1/Distant-Memories
[That’s what I was saying!, said the Charmeleon with an eye roll.]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[the two watcher though. ]
[ an heart attack] [an chuckle]
[We now about him ]
You have a ton of typos. Proofread better.
[“Hey! Stop giving us an heart attack!” wheezed one of the Buizel, while holding one of his paws at his chest.
The Floatzel simply let out an chuckle. “Well, if I were a predator, a heart attack would be your last problem.”]
“Your last problem” really doesn’t make sense. “The least of your problems” is perhaps what you meant, but that doesn’t particularly work either, as a literal heart attack would still be a big factor in the predator issue.
[“Wait a moment. Giovanni is dead? THE Giovanni?” asked the first Buizel, shocked. “Why are you worked up about that Giovanni guy, Chase? It isn’t like we know this guy.” asked Rain.]
Two different speakers should be in two separate paragraphs.
Storywise, this does not make for a good opening chapter. You introduce the characters…and keep introducing them, having them keep talking about their own personal things that don’t add up to stuff that’s also plot relevant.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14187065/1/A-Perfectly-Normal-Journey
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
I think this would’ve been significantly stronger if you’d had it happen naturally, instead of steadily dialing up the narrative force, and especially if you didn’t have like five different unrelated narrative forces shoving her into normal types just because.
An excitable kid could’ve actually asked for various impossible or unwise pokemon for a starter, and with no stated preference among the more obtainable ones, their parents default to something practical. But the idea that a pancham is just going to be so much more trouble than a teddiursa (and potentially evolutions) that they ignore this easy pokemon in their backyard that they’re probably familiar with dealing with and hunt down one not even found in their region? Plus ducklett would be a good idea to have if they’re so worried about their other kid’s fire type.
If you didn’t have her on a vendetta against the normal type, a type that people in-universe don’t seem to have any issue with, then you wouldn’t need the attempt to explain that somehow she knew about the local pokemon but nothing about bunnelby beyond that it exists, and also she’s intentionally avoided learning the basics about her world like any other pokemon, or types, and especially not pokemon types, and yet again, somehow she’s managed to hate the normal type anyway.
And so on. This would’ve worked fine if it was just a kid who thought she wanted super rare pokemon, but also wanted to do the whole friendship/destined buddies thing she’s got going with [“There’s an old saying. ‘The first wild Pokemon you encounter is a sign of how your journey will unfold’. Bunnelby, I think it was no accident that I tripped over your hole – I think it’s meant to be!” She pulled a spare poke ball out of her bag and squeezed the ball hard to make it grow to full size. Then she held it out towards Bunnelby, button-first. “Would you like to join our team? We’ll go on lots of adventures and see all of Kalos!”
Bunnelby considered for a moment, her face still half-hidden behind her ears. Then she nodded and hopped forward, pressing a foot against the poke ball’s button. With a flash of light she was sucked into the ball, which pinged brightly after shaking for only a moment or two.
“Yes!” Marie crowed, jumping up with the now-occupied poke ball held in her hand. Teddiursa jumped into the air as well, waving his paws about in excitement. “I caught my first Pokemon!”]
There’s a perfectly good story in this happening naturally, because there’s plenty of different normal type species and many of those species are extremely common where they’re found, so someone without a mary sue shiny-riolu-spawning aura who just picks pokemon who seems kind of neat and friendly would mostly be getting common pokemon. She could get a couple of those pokemon, get frustrated and confused when she realizes she still doesn’t have a single ultra special one and try harder, understandably fail at that even without a magic narrative force declaring it, and then ultimately end up okay with her regular team of normal types.
It seems to happen a lot with cracky fic ideas that people just don’t try to give a real explanation, even if it doesn’t seem that hard. I wonder if the thought process is something like, “Okay, this is the conceit, and I’m going to have that happen whether or not it makes sense, and in that case I won’t bother thinking about if there is a way to have it make sense.”
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14187183/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Mystery-Dungeon-Pocket-Monster-Saga
[an Eevee.]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[I looked to the side and saw a Mudsdale walking towards me at a trotting pace, and from the looks of things, he wouldn’t be able to stop before he ran me over. I scrambled out of the way before his hooves could crush me and he skidded to a stop before sneering at me.
“What are you doing, just standing in the middle of the sidewalk like that?! You’re lucky I even saw you with how small you are!”
I couldn’t help but wince a bit at the sudden yelling. But it’s not like I couldn’t understand.
“S-Sorry, sir. I… I think I’m lost. Where are we? I don’t recognize this place.”
The Mudsdale raised an eyebrow, dragging his hooves on the floor a bit.
“What, are you a tourist? I guess you were gawking at the sights, huh? Not that I blame you. Windsea is a beautiful place.”
I tilted my head at the name.
“…Windsea?”]
You should have a speaker’s actions be in the same paragraph as the speaker’s dialogue. Ie:
[I looked to the side and saw a Mudsdale walking towards me at a trotting pace, and from the looks of things, he wouldn’t be able to stop before he ran me over. I scrambled out of the way before his hooves could crush me and he skidded to a stop before sneering at me. “What are you doing, just standing in the middle of the sidewalk like that?! You’re lucky I even saw you with how small you are!”
I couldn’t help but wince a bit at the sudden yelling. But it’s not like I couldn’t understand. “S-Sorry, sir. I… I think I’m lost. Where are we? I don’t recognize this place.”
The Mudsdale raised an eyebrow, dragging his hooves on the floor a bit. “What, are you a tourist? I guess you were gawking at the sights, huh? Not that I blame you. Windsea is a beautiful place.”
I tilted my head at the name. “…Windsea?”]
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14187187/1/The-guts-of-a-trainer-REMASTERED
Capitalize your title properly.
[own Pokémon]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[Pallet town ]
Also, all of a name is capitalized, not just the first part. You can say the town of Pallet, or you can say Pallet Town.
[was a small town, only having 4 or 5 houses. ]
That’s not a small town, that’s not even a village. Also, write out numbers with letters.
[“It seems someone is late…” A sly voice said, “Ash simply scoffed.”
“I’m really not,” Ash replied. “It’s only one minute.”]
I assume something went wrong here.
[“Sure, say whatever you want.” The boy said his hair was a deep orange and he had a grin on his face.]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
When writing a pokemon journey fic, you really need to ask yourself what your actual story is and make sure to start when that starts. When that is will depend on your story, but it’s definitely sometime after Ash wakes up in the morning to nothing interesting whatsoever happening so he can go see Professor Oak later. If the things that happen in a scene are the things that everyone already knows, then skip to the part you’re actually doing differently.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14187231/1/Past-With-The-Past-Professor-Sada-x-Kira
[~Flashback memory~]
You should not need to be labeling things like this, and also if it’s the first line of your fic, it’s not a flashback memory, it’s just where you’re opening the story. This is doubly true when you then stay in this scene for the rest of the chapter.
[I’m Kirara. ‘Kira’ for short.]
It’s going from three syllables to two. If someone is that obsessed about shortness, they’d go to Ki.
[or Professor Sada recently to help her out with her research on the terastallization phenomenon.
Before you ask, yup.
THE professor Sada.]
You capitalized correctly the first time, then not the second time. Any time you’re writing Title Name, the whole of it’s capitalized as a name.
[“Welcome to the research team, Kirara. It’s a great pleasure to have new member, like you, here.” The professor says as she smiles gently and warmly at me, after appearing and approaching.]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14187267/1/Winning-In-Another-Life
[future greatest Pokémon trainers ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[ Well, technically it wasn’t my starter, per se, since I had found her years ago as a Pichu and raised her all the way to this stage, but I figured I would let the other kids hog the traditional starters.]
No, that’s how starters work across every canon. It’s the pokemon you start with, nothing more or less. That’s why almost no other trainer’s team has one of the same pokemon the professors give out and various characters explicitly say something about a different pokemon being the one they started off with. Talk about “starter pokemon” is largely an out-of-universe thing.
Also, given Professor Oak knows this, it seems like it shouldn’t be a matter of the character graciously stepping aside but just not getting one because he already has a pokemon.
[“I packed two sandwiches in case you and Minnie get hungry later,” Mama explained, coming to see me off. Keeping with the tradition of all moms from the game (plus Delia from the anime) being beautiful, Mama was a MILF most mans would like to smash. Better keep my eye on Samuel Oak. I know he’s been around to Ash’s when him and me were playing outside. Hahaha. Just kidding, probably. It probably wasn’t like that.
Anyway, my second Mama wore a sleeveless cloudy blouse emphasizing her curves and watermelons]
What the fuck is with this. Why do you think this is how you should be talking about women to the point you’ll do it even when a character is raised from an infant by them.
[“Raichu,” She nodded, smiling.]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14187511/1/Eevee-Island
[“Void, where are you going?” An umbreon with glowing purple stripes ran towards another of her kind, only the latter was shiny. Void had no idea how he could escape his sister now. “The eggs! They’ll hatch!” The phrase pounded in his head like a drum, guiding him with it’s hypnotizing beat.
“Nothing sister. Just…going out to hunt.”]
Each paragraph is supposed to be grouped by topic. What you have here is extremely confusing because you have one character speaking, then another line of dialogue that isn’t actually dialogue but is just written exactly like it, then his own actual dialogue completely separate. Something like:
[“Void, where are you going?” An umbreon with glowing purple stripes ran towards another of her kind, only the latter was shiny.
Void had no idea how he could escape his sister now. The eggs! They’ll hatch! The phrase pounded in his head like a drum, guiding him with it’s hypnotizing beat. “Nothing sister. Just…going out to hunt.”]
would be a lot clearer.
[ Umbreon’s can’t mate with other species]
The apostrophe is for possessives. It would be “umbreons”.
[“Not now Persephone!” He snapped. ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14187529/1/A-Story-of-People-and-Pokemon
[the Hoppips were hopping]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Write out numbers with letters.
[In the case of the previously joyous Lofidia region, it became a dark and nasty place, nothing like what it had been before. There were three who made it so: Sonya, a cruel and heartless person who considered Pokemon to be nothing more than tools to be used for one’s own benefit; Larry, a mad scientist who developed gadgets of all shapes and sizes, each and every one utilizing and draining the life energy of Pokemon; and Eva, an inhuman person who employed ghost types to scare the shit out of everyone.]
I mean, your very title says pokemon don’t count as people, so it sounds like Sonya’s just stating what’s objectively true in your fic, and the fact Eva’s evil can be described as “inhuman” just further hammers in that yeah, only humans matter, so why shouldn’t they juice pikachu to keep the blood fountains fresh or whatever it is they’re doing?
[Author’s notes:
You should also probably know that there will be some violence, swearing, and the like ahead. If you feel like you’ll be offended, turn back and find something else to read. As the narrator and an ambiguous being somewhere in the 549th dimension, please don’t cause me problems by complaining about topics mentioned in the previous sentence. I’m up to my neck in problems already! Heck, there are Zadiliono aliens warping in and out of my stove, and… really, you don’t want to know. Just… please don’t.]
If you actually were trying to be considerate of people, this would be at the top of your chapter and not the bottom.
Also, the fic is humor.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14187559/1/A-Visit-From-Grandma
I’ve reviewed them before. Besides, the entire fic is just grandma Lusamine by someone who thinks she has exactly two noteworthy traits: science, and being very hot despite how hideous normal adult women are.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14187872/1/AU-Jessie-s-Pok%C3%A9mon-Journey
[ A boy and his Pikachu]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[But this universe, features a rather different take on the boy’s Pokémon journey. ]
No, it really doesn’t. The exact same take, down to starting off with a TV battle of a nidorino and gengar, but it’s a different kid this time, is instead warning the reader that yeah, ignore any claims to the contrary, this will indeed be the same thing as always.
[“Jessie’s mom, Miyamoto, didn’t want her daughter to leave to become a Pokémon trainer until she was 16. New trainers can get a beginning Pokémon from Professor Oak, the town’s Pokémon expert.” The Narrator explains why Jessie didn’t leave to begin her Pokémon journey earlier.]
Also, that’s massively OOC for the both of them. What’s the point of saying it’s the same characters in a different situation if you just ignore the character part of it?
[“Sweetie, you should be getting to bed. It’s 11:00.” Miyamoto tells her daughter, Jessie.]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[“AH!” Jessie immediately looks at the window and sees that the Sun is indeed out. “OH CRAP, DID I OVERSLEPT?!”]
Yeah, this is overdone even by the extremely low bar of First Episode Pallet Town OT fic.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14187905/1/I-m-A-Marionette
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[She was long for a Milotic, though her head fins were ever so slightly shorter than one of a Milotic born female. She was born male, but deep down, she knew she was female. Such was acceptable among Milotic, but not so much for humans.]
This is an interesting concept, but it’s undercut by the fact there’s no sign in this fic his pokemon can communicate with him at all, not even the sense Wallace is trying to interpret her as having any interiority at any other point. She certainly isn’t more involved in this than existing and being calm – the lines just before this, [Victoria rested her head on Wallace’s. He gently petted her head, hoping some of her calmness would rub onto him. ] are the only things she does in the entire chapter. Wallace doesn’t consider if she’s calm because she’s actually perfect and has nothing to worry about, or if she might be trying to act calm with exactly that motive of it rubbing off, or anything else.
[She had the same hair and eye color as Wallace, but unlike Wallace, she was perfect. Her white shirt and skirt were perfect. Her simple makeup was perfect. Her posture was perfect. If they were siblings, then why couldn’t he be perfect?
“Wallace.”
Wallace forced a small smile and forced down his anger. He couldn’t feel anger towards his sister; that was immoral.
“Sure,” he said. In this context, “sure” meant something more akin to “I might puke.” Nicole seemed to pick up on this, because she walked over to him and looked at his reflection with a sympathetic look.
“I was nervous before my first Contest,” Nicole said, placing her hands on his shoulders as she looked at their reflection in the mirror, “but as soon as I stepped onto the stage, all worries fell to the wayside, and Goldie and I both took home gold.”
Except she had been perfect. Nicole and her Goldeen had been perfect, with not a single hair or scale out of place. They weren’t nervous. Wallace couldn’t imagine Nicole ever being nervous, because she never was.]
Right, but also, she could just do Wallace’s makeup right now. One of the issues is “how can I look perfect?” and a person who supposedly looks perfect has just shown up. If this was just focused on internal feelings where Wallace had done the makeup to perfection but thought people would see through it, or if it was only stuff like the concern further on about throwing up, then that’s one thing, but you open with Wallace obsessing about what the right look is and then have someone show up who would know what that look is.
[Surely she knew that he was inferior to her. Surely she knew how pathetic he was. Surely she was only pitying him. That’s how pretty much everyone else in his family viewed him. Wallace had been hand picked by Mayor Megalos to serve Sootopolis City, but his family was more worthy of such a privilege, and they made sure to remind him of that:
“Sick again? Weren’t you just sick with a cough a few days ago, Mikró Mikouri?”
“You’re so slow, Mikró Mikouri! You can’t even keep up with us!”
“Why did Mayor Megalos choose you? You’re nothing special, Mikró Mikouri.”]
…and this just seems absurdly over the top, to be both under enormous pressure and specially chosen, but also viewed as already a garbage failure. How does the mayor feel about the entire family constantly trashing their decision, if nothing else?
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14187909/1/Gift-of-Frostbites
[Hi There! Let me introduce myself. I’m Snowflake Crystalline Lanakila the First, but just refer to me as “Snowe” or “Crystal”. I’m an anthro seventy year old Alolan Ninetales (despite me only being one for the past 5 years), equivalent to 22 human years]
I think I understand what you’re trying to say here, but you should really have given it another pass or three.
Whether or not a twenty year old turned into a ninetales would end up grown to the same point as a ninetales that lived seventy years instead, that does not change how old the person actually is. And this is especially questionable when this sort of bubbly introduction followed even more childishly by listing off her moves sure makes it sound more like she did, in fact, end up with the brain of a twenty year old ninetales.
[I love to write teasers! The suspense, the tension, the funny parts (sadly I couldn’t incorporate it). So, it is technically a small teaser! ]
You just say she exists, and that it’s hot and she’s lying around being hot, then end with her repeating she’s seventy but also twenty. None of that has suspense or tension or functions as a teaser.
Are there any transformation/isekai stories that do something with getting swapped into the body of a species with a massively different maturation rate besides “welp gonna grind for years as a baby” or “secretly an 80000 year old dragon loli”?
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14187926/1/Pokemon-Super-Mystery-Dungeon-The-New-Adventure
[ only Pokemon]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[“Dialga” said a powerful creature from the place that emanated a strong concentration of space, “So you felt it too”]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
Also, all sentences need to end in some form of punctuation.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14187939/1/30-000-Feet
[hundreds of Pokemon]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[“Well, I felt the presentation was generally quite balanced, and I do appreciate the work that you have put in for the prosperity of the nation. I just wanted to know…are the humans that bad? You mentioned that-”
Without allowing the Scizor to finish his sentence, the Latios immediately slammed down his glass, reacting with immediate anger: “The humans are vile creatures! You haven’t been taught half of what they have done to us- and other fellow humans as well!”
“Sir…” Cobalt was immediately taken off guard by Latios’s reaction; he did not expect him to react so violently to a seemingly innocent question. But Latios was not about to yield to his servant.
“The human policy is, and will be, non-negotiable! If you dare contradict me once again about one of my core policies, I will send you back to where you came from!”
Cobalt knew what Latios meant immediately. He knew that being “sent back” meant one thing: being forced back into one of the prison camps enacted soon after the war began. The Scizor had been one of the first prisoners to be imprisoned there, and memories of the camp’s brutality, both in his mind and on his body in the form of scars, were still afresh. ]
Okay, so:
Pokemon being in charge and outwardly hating humans is a huge change from canon, which is very firmly into saying humans are great and pokemon must love them. Then you give no information about what any of that is except ending on how the pokemon side horrifically tortures other pokemon.
[He was a prisoner, Latios recalled, formerly working for the humans. But, he quickly changed his ways after his capture, eventually rising through the ranks of the prisoners, being released and becoming a servant to Latios. He was perplexed though; why, after so much subjugation by the humans, did he still seem to favour and, almost, support the humans? Could there relationship have actually been, god forbid, good? Were humans not as bad as they seem?]
I mean they could be far worse than they seem and still be better because even shadow pokemon weren’t concentration camps and the scizor’s life as a “servant” appears to involve being owned here too. If humans are actually good, you shouldn’t need the opposing side to be threatening their brutalized slaves with more torture for speaking out of turn in order to be wrong.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14187956/1/Opportunity
[“Hello there.” said a soft, soothing voice.]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[“Now, I will be giving you 2 favors before going into the world that will aid you with the first being your own starter Pokémon and no, I will not give you a legendary Pokémon.” Garth exclaimed.]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14188049/1/The-Harpocrates-within
Is the title supposed to say hypocrite? Because I’m not seeing what this has to do with Harpocrates.
[That is pawniard’s mantra, his goal, his solution, his very way of life.]
So, either that should be “the pawniard” or, if it’s functionally his name, “Pawniard”.
[Strength is the only thing pawniard cares for. He knew his goal wasn’t special. As all his brothers and sisters strive for the same, and although he wasn’t very smart, he knew that it was something he wanted for himself when he witnessed the monarch battle for the first time. ]
Your sentence structure is a mess here, and also, the entire concept here seems wrongheaded – why would a goal being special even matter? Why are you trying to phrase this as him at least having a particularly defined reason to want it, as if the rest of them don’t? It works fine to just say this is how their social structure works.
[Because pawniard wanted strength. He wanted to be strong, he wanted to be praised by his group, he wanted to be free. ]
That does not fit together, and doubly so when there doesn’t appear to be any actual rules being enforced. The one time he seems to break a rule, trying to ask their leader to give him personal advice, he’s just looked down on for it, not punished or even told not to do it again. They don’t even appear to pick on the weak given he only figures out he’s the weakest of the group when every time he issues a challenge he loses – either none of the others ever think to issue a challenge to him because they know he’s weaker, or this whole challenge thing is something only he does and the rest are letting him. The only time punishment comes up is when they’re all told to come back with a head or else, and given they leave to do that, it seems to be the price of continued membership in the group rather than something they’re directly forcing him to do
[“How do you feel?” Does your body still hurt.]
What’s going on with this?
[“Hello, can you hear me.”snapped out of his thoughts he remembered that the human was talking. He was about to nod affirmative when he realized his situation.]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[They had a tendency to believe in non violence, yet embraced violence with a passion, and they spread their beliefs onto others in the worst way imaginable. By beating their opponents into bloody submission.
That really didn’t sound so bad to pawniard, sure they were hypocrites, but beating your opponents until they yield is normal. This was his thought until he heard the rest.
Once their opponents could no longer fight they used their ability to heal on their downed enemy. Making them able to fight once more, only to beat them again, then heal them once more and continue the process over, and over. Even when the pokemon tries to flee, they continue their “treatment” until what you have left is a broken pokemon not in body, (never in body) but in both mind and spirit.
Too afraid to ever do battle again because of the haunting experience, pokemon that have done battle with the healer in a way become pacifist as well, not because they want to, but because they were forced to!
And if it couldn’t get any more disturbing than that. They do it all with a smile.]
This is really elaborate and interesting for something that apparently is just a bunch of lies. And lies can be interesting for the truth of the reason for the lie, but here it seems to just be for the sake of it.
[Even if he were at a hundred percent he knows he can’t win. He feels it. As hard as it is for his mind to accept, the calamity healer is stronger than his monarch. Something he thought impossible. The monarch he deeply respected and admired was put to shame instantly, by something who’s prowess he hasn’t even witnessed! ]
This also doesn’t make much sense – he doesn’t seem to have any ability to tell relative strengths. He thought he was average despite you saying he was the only one of them who couldn’t cut through a boulder, he consistently challenges foes who wipe the floor with him and is baffled to be losing even when it’s happening to him.
[That’s it. They just heal his wounds and send him home. No extra cost, no demands to follow him. Just one and done. Realistically pawniard knows he should be ecstatic about the statement. His wounds are healed and he’ll be able to go home and get as far away from that thing as possible. But truly what would he do? As much as it pains him there is no way he could go back to the pack after his failure and disappearance for who knows how long. He can guess what is waiting for him if he returns.
At the very least he’ll be shamed and humiliated as well as kicked out of the pack. At worst he’ll be killed. He can’t go back; pawniard is no longer considered to be a member of the group. His dreams and Aspirations. All thrown out the window.]
Why would he not just go back to the task of finding a head to cut off?
[“You may not have known this, but I’ve been watching you for months. You see, I always like to venture out and go through the forest surrounding this city. I love to see the wide assortment of pokemon, living their days and going about their lives, but it was until one day that I found something truly amazing. A little pawniard that had lofty goals and unwavering determination.” Him what has he done that was considered amazing all pawniards life he’s failed.
“You see, this pawniard wasn’t as skilled as his fellow brethren. He was always last to complete his task. He wasn’t the fastest nor was he the strongest. He lagged behind during training and his bladed mastery was all over the place. Yet he kept trying. This pawniard has something that I believe all the other pawniards lack, Ambition.”
The human adjusted himself as he sat down on the seat beside him.
“Yes, the pawniard was considered the weakest in the group, but he had something that made him truly special. He had a dream, not a goal, but a dream. A dream to be truly great. He wanted to not only surpass his brothers and sister, but also surpass his leader so he can garner both their respect and admiration. It was why he trained so hard, but I saw deeper than that because although strength is what he truly wanted, he only wanted it because his pack, the people that he considered family valued it. Those without it were not really family I guess.”]
And now you’re having the trainer say almost word for word what the narration did, which is incredibly forced, followed by saying no wait it’s a friendship thing, except for him to care about his family, he’d have to actually have paid the slightest attention to them, which he doesn’t. He barely even pays attention to the monarch he’s supposedly so obsessed with, with it just being wow, they’re strong, I wish to be cool like that, only better.
If this is the direction you wanted to go in, you can’t have him so self-centered it takes individually losing to everyone to eventually notice that he’s also dead last in every single drill they do. He should be aware of his family’s skills and trying to emulate them, and there should also be enough interaction on their end to see him seeking more or different reactions from them.
[“Listen here pawniard. Whatever you may think. Those pokemon aren’t worthy of your admiration. People who laugh and jeer at your efforts only deserve contempt]
That sure would be a reasonable thing to say if you’d bothered showing it, or even anything in the same ballpark.
[ Pokemon who are said to not have an evolution I disagree with, and pokemon who are said to only evolve once I think can evolve further. Sigh, I just feel like I can do it if given a chance you know, but I’m always ridiculed by everyone.i really thought nobody would ever be on my side, until I told my parents, and to my surprise they genuinely believed and supported me, my methods on training pokemon, my theories regarding further evolution, and my Aspirations To bring it all to light. They admired my way of thinking, and truly wish for me to make it a reality]
And then this is its own kinds of incoherence. “So there’s evidence for a thing, but I just feel like it’s wrong, and therefore other people should believe me instead.” People don’t owe anyone saying whatever comes into their head unconditional support. And if this is supposed to track with the pawniard, the rest of the pack didn’t owe the weakest member who would’ve been even more worse as a leader than as a fighter head of pack role just because he really wanted it and for everyone to say he was the very best and their favorite. In both cases, people do not owe you admiration and it’s not oppression to say you have to work for it first.