So many trainers of so little competence. Also, another example of trying to show how good the main character is by giving them a traumatized pokemon, who will of course have no issue belonging to a new trainer going on a badge quest full of battles.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14188061/1/Pokemon-AU-Together-we-Battle
[Eight college students were unexpectedly caught in a weird event which caused them to be reborn in an alternate Pokemon World with regions and a history different from the Anime, Games, Manga and Movies.]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[Among these eight friends, only the boy named Luis Auran was familiar with pokemon… as for the other seven… they had no understanding of anything related to pokemon at all.
After more than a decade of residing in this world, these eight have gained a basic understanding of this world and have received their starter Pokemon.]
If it took them a decade to figure out something kids in our world manage in a few hours, a timespan which is also the amount native kids spend learning while also figuring out tasks like walking, it sounds like they’re incompetent people who are doomed regardless.
[It was here that they realized that all eight of them possess the power to sense the feelings, emotions and thoughts of their owned pokemon.]
Nightmarish! But apparently not enough to reconsider owning them, or change their minds about going on a pokemon battle spree since the only one with reservations has it because he personally will be at risk.
[Will Luis be able to stay out of trouble and avoid danger?… Will Kei be able to gather enough new data and information for her research?… And what about the other six what will their adventures be?… Well now this is their story.]
From this and the fact you titled this “description” you seem to understand this is not actually a chapter of your fic. As such, you should not be posting as a chapter of a fic. If you need to explain this, it belongs above your actual chapter, and you really shouldn’t need to explain it separately because it should come up in the story itself.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14188126/1/Cerulean-Scales
[his Dewgong to fight a challenger’s Dragonite.]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[“Those trainers are coming here to see how strong they are. We both know they aren’t strong enough to fight Dewgong or Garydos. So I give them a challenge that fits them. If I asked you to solve ten plus twelve for me, you could do it, but you’re not ready to solve ten times twelve yet.” He’d explained to her and Misty had scrunched her face at the math.]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
Also, it’s spelled gyarados.
I can see you’re trying here, but this really doesn’t sound like Misty coming to a realization, it sounds like you thinking dragons are better and trying to say those are Misty’s thoughts. It’s not that it’s bad to have an idea and then work backward to figure out how to get to it, but here it’s too obvious that’s what you were doing rather than working at it until it feels natural. Pretty much all the development you do to show her changing opinion seems to actually counter her conclusions. Yes, it’s impressive one particular dragon-type trainer was able to win despite the ice weakness, but that doesn’t at all prove the type is better, especially when later Misty decides the fact her sisters are losing with her dad’s water pokemon proves water types are crap and it was just her dad’s a great trainer, and yet she’s sure dragon types are great, like it’s impossible the trainer she is so awestruck by as a person at the time by can’t possibly have just been a great trainer. That sounds like it should’ve been about realizing it’s the trainer who matters, not that one type is inherently better because the same pokemon in different hands perform differently. It also doesn’t really seem that tied to Misty’s own character/family.
You mention that the gym under her father was also doing a lot of performances, and I also don’t think her sisters’ obsession with looks can be totally divorced from the parenting they got iether. In canon, Misty’s got some issues with being a tomboy vs being feminine, which leads to her wanting to be a powerful water specialist but also not wanting to actually give up on succeeding at being pretty and feminine the way her sisters are. Misty taking a different path would make more sense as her just rejecting the “pretty” stuff, which she considers the water type, with its ties to performaces and mermaids and her sisters, to be, and insisting she only cares about how strong her pokemon are and not what they look like, or to still care about aesthetics but decide she’s going for cool and badass pokemon only in a rebellion against the expectation of girly water pokemon her sisters have. Either of those could plausibly get her to dragon types, and the fact they’re weak against ice and her sisters would likely point this out could just make her more stubborn that she’d show them by being such a better trainer that she’ll beat them anyway. That’d also fit with the fact you end up having her get a charmander as a starter – yes, it’s somewhat dragony, but it’s also even more obviously at a disadvantage to water types.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14188136/1/A-Peek-Inside-Mt-Silver
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
This is a neat idea, but I think would’ve been stronger if you focused more on it as describing in great detail to the reader what Mt. Silver is like because it can’t normally be visited at all, and if it stuck to talking about images and pictures because it’s more interesting and also doesn’t make much sense for them to want to be dipping into telling people what’s the route you take up when the whole place is supposed to be off-limits to the reader. This reads more like a general report – you start off by explaining where it is, and there’s more of a bland tourist-advertisement feel to the opening paragraph which both gets in the way of the feel of this focusing on getting to see something most people can’t and is contradicting canon anyway, since the whole of Mt. Silver is locked off. [One trainer, Gold, was willing to help us out with taking photos and learning about what makes these caves unique.] is closer to where this should probably start, and maybe have him give them photos of the walk up to the mountain as well instead of saying that people hike there all the time. Also, [Gold was a little reluctant to take us farther up the mountain, but he was able to send us photos and discuss with us what was up ahead. Here’s what we found out.] is a weird choice because the descriptions of the place before and after seem about the same, even down to saying his pichu is the one providing light from the start instead of the professionals having equipment and talking about the temperature again and again after they supposedly left and are just relying on photos. Either Gold escorts them and it’s a rare chance for someone who isn’t double champion to see the place and report back their personal experience, or else it should all be framed as an article talking about Gold’s various pictures he sent them and what they show.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14188142/1/Mystery-Cave
[I’m Lolly, an experienced Pokemon trainer with 8 badges ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Write out numbers with letters.
[“Blaze?” He questions, probably awaiting an order.]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[She seems hurt, weakened. She’s got scratches all over her. She’s clearly barely or even not conscious at all, as she was just laying there and didn’t flinch when I almost tripped on her.]
“Weakened” is a very videogamey term. It sounds like the issue is that she’s physically hurt. Similarly, scratches often are included when showing someone’s badly hurt in the anime, but being scratched up doesn’t make you unconscious, so it’s weird to be bringing that up over the fact she’s presumably hurt much worse, and weird that there’s no investigation to see if worse wounds can be found – even if the trainer doesn’t think she can do anything to treat them, feeling for broken bones at least means you can be careful of them. And if your character can’t tell if she’s one thing or another, then it’s not really a matter of “clearly”, and also, failing to react to someone kicking you hard as they stumble into you isn’t “barely” conscious. Even someone unconscious might react to that. The most likely reason to not react is because she’s outright dead. I’d expect someone whose first piece of information is that they tripped into the body of someone who doesn’t react to immediately check to be sure she’s alive, like looking to see if she’s breathing, followed by trying to check her over for what other severe injuries she must have to be behaving like this. It’s also something to be much, much more concerned about, because while she may be alive right now, this is bad enough that her dying in the near future can’t be ruled out. Without any idea how badly injured she is, there’s no way for the rest of them to know either way.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14188232/1/Pokemon-Revelation-Frontier
Write out numbers with letters.
[“Ah yes, I remember you.” says the researcher as he opens the book in hand.]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[It was now 7:40 and the professor was alerted by one of his trusty assistants “The kids are here” he nodded and said his thanks to her “Please lead them to my office Ms.Jenna, let’s not make the youth wait any longer.” the professor’s assistant joked around a bit “What’s all this talk about you putting young people too high professor. I remembered you were a strict man the first year I worked here.” Professor Neem rolled his eyes “Again with this Ms.Jenna? Do you really want to open that old can of worms now?” he said as he cringed remembering his old self. The old man watched as his assistant walked out. “Well at least I act my age. She’s almost 27 but she acts like a 17 year old.”.]
Also, don’t have multiple speakers in the same paragraph, and sentences need to end in some form of punctuation. This should be:
[It was now 7:40 and the professor was alerted by one of his trusty assistants. “The kids are here.”
He nodded and said his thanks to her. “Please lead them to my office Ms. Jenna, let’s not make the youth wait any longer.”
The professor’s assistant joked around a bit, “What’s all this talk about you putting young people too high professor. I remembered you were a strict man the first year I worked here.”
Professor Neem rolled his eyes. “Again with this Ms.Jenna? Do you really want to open that old can of worms now?” he said as he cringed remembering his old self. The old man watched as his assistant walked out. “Well at least I act my age. She’s almost 27 but she acts like a 17 year old.”.]
Also, “you putting young people too high” makes no sense, and in general, your sentences are wonky. You could use a beta reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14188237/1/Pokemon-World-Chapter-1-Reborn
If you’re translating from another language, it’s a good idea to have someone who’s a native speaker look over the result. What you have here looks extremely messy in English.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Also, you shouldn’t be using bold italic underline so much.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14188439/1/cracked-sanity
[In a town far away from pallet town]
Pallet Town is the town’s name, and therefore capitalized.
[a Pokémon nerd]
Conversely, this is not an individual’s name, and so shouldn’t be capitalized.
[“Hi Charlie” the sound of a masculine voice sounded from across the plaza from where Charlie had decide to stop and at the time he was eating a pizza, the voice was followed by the owner who was Charlie’s best friend Dylan and beside Dylan was his other friend Emma.
“Suppose you’d mind if I had a slice” Dylan joked “kidding, I know you love pizza more than anything in the world”]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
Also, all sentences need to end in some form of punctuation.
[But Charlie couldn’t tell them about his depression, how could he when he knew if it got released to another person it would cause them to have all the nightmares inside of his head introduced to theirs]
That’s not how depression works.
[f your saying “just get a physiatrist” then you should know just how sever the depression was, Charlie was born with the depression but it didn’t come out until he was 13, of course his parents took him to a physiatrist but mere hours later the physiatrist was found to have committed suicide in his office after having his session with Charlie]
“Psychiatrist” and “severe”, also, this is really, really not how depression works.
If you want to have a character weighed down by some terrible knowledge he has to keep bottled up because anyone else is crushed instantly by it, then sure. But don’t call it by the name for a real, different problem.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14188461/1/It-s-A-Brand-New-Day
[“Oh…are little boy is finally becoming a trainer…” Max’s mother said with a watery smile, “They grow up so fast…” She whispered as Norman hugged her, a gentle smile on his face, “He will be okay honey…Ash, May and Brock taught Max well, he will be a great trainer.”#]
You should only have one speaker to a paragraph, so this should be split in two. Also, you’ve got random characters here and at [Professor Birch ;ab? Here comes Max Maple!] shortly after.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[“You see Max: This little guy was found badly injured just outside of Littleroot. We manged to heal him back to full health, but whatever it was that got him in such a bad state made him scared of the outside world, as well as other pokemon…but…” Max blinked at the word “but” and tilted his head towards the Professor, “I think this little guy has found a friend in you somehow…I really think Nidoran has picked you Max…”]
This is a sweet scene for a rescue pet, but think about what you’re writing here – this pokemon does not like strange environments or other pokemon. A pokemon trainer is going to need their pokemon to constantly battle wild pokemon in strange environments. It really doesn’t make sense to go straight from this to [Well, I wish you luck on your journey young Max Maple!”]
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14188476/1/I-Want-To-Be-A-Hero
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[“This isn’t the way to deal with a breakup.” August told him like a big brother he never had.]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14188480/1/With-You
[a male Rowlet]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[“So, Kalena,” The professor said after a few minutes of quiet. “My colleague in Alola mentioned that you are interested in becoming a Pokemon Researcher.”
“Yup,” She nodded, smiling. “I want to learn more about Pokemon and maybe discover an undiscovered species!”]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[(A Short Time Later)]
[(A short time later)]
[(Meanwhile)]
[(Meanwhile)]
You should just write out normal narrative bridges. Instead of labeling this, then saying what’s happening, just say, “A short time later/meanwhile, that thing was happening.”
[(Scene Break)
“Who’s that Pokemon?”
…
Answer: Lugia
(Back to the Show)]
Also, this is not an episode. You’re writing a fic, and stuff that works in a cartoon will not necessarily work here.
You really shouldn’t spend your first chapter on extremely lengthy introductions as each person shows up, introduces themselves, starts to move toward something potentially interesting, crosses path with the next person, more lengthy character introductions, repeat and repeat.
Think about what’s supposed to happen in your story itself. Start where the story starts, and where the characters have something to do. After something’s happened, then you can wind things down for a bit for full introductions. For example, you could’ve started with all the characters at the lecture, they run off at the report of Lugia, and then start talking for the first time after meeting up there.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14188555/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Legends-Mew
[there were 3 boys and 3 girls all of them freinds]
Write out numbers with letters. Spellcheck.
[“Fine enough, T.” Giovanni said in a tone that sounded as if he didn’t know to be happy, angry or sad.
“I see you still like your Spicy Magikarp Noodles as always” The figure said pointing at Giovanni’s fish noodles. “and your egg rolls and soda”]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14188556/1/Unova-s-Upcoming-Dark-Type-Specialist
[a Dark type Specialist]
[A Sandile. A Pokemon!]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[“Here you go brat!” A rather muscular man said]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[And before I knew it, I had spent half of the money I had saved up on 3 pokeballs.]
The price of pokeballs is closer to three dollars than three hundred, for the record.
[an accidental kick from an average eighteen-year-old ]
If this was his dream since he was a little kid, he really should’ve gotten started a lot earlier than this. Also, that just makes the idea of him having so little money even more ridiculous, and his total incompetence a few paragraphs later worse still.
[Unlike other species, Dark types were not very friendly with other Dark types, sometimes not even their own species. ]
That’s really not a valid generalization in either direction. Of the first set of dark types introduced, one’s a pack hunter, another had the group move “beat up” as their signature move, another one’s a flocking bird, and one evolves by bonding with their trainer. Only tyranitar is solitary. And it’s not like Unova’s got unusually cranky dark types either, or unusually friendly everyone-elses – you’ve also got a the social vultures complete with dex entries about how the evolved forms care for the unevolved babies, blade-chess pack hunters and scraggy and scrafty also traveling in groups and defending their territory, and of course the zoroa line.
[“Good morning Sir!” The woman screamed in his face.]
[“Yup, just as I thought. I’m sorry about that,” it was clear that the sight of his missing finger had brought back some bad memories.]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[Arceus this woman’s grip was strong! ]
It’s particularly annoying to go with this bad fanon when it’s Unova and they actually do know and care about their own Unovan legendaries and actually could plausibly swear by those ones.
I’m assuming by his interactions with her that you really want romance and that’s why he’s so old when starting. In that case I’d really recommend thinking more about your setup in getting to that point. This guy clearly hasn’t spent a decade planning to be a dark-type specialist or even a pokemon trainer of any kind. If you want him to not know what he’s doing, it’d make a lot more sense for this to be a sudden impulse by someone who had other interests before now, and sudden impulse by an overconfident eighteen year old who knows nothing about training but figures it can’t be that hard would also match up better with the idea of him trying to get a starter by just heading into the desert to find a pokemon than the idea that’s the normal way most people get starter pokemon. Then he could just really fall in love with his new sandile and the dark type and decide to specialize.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14188694/1/Pokemon-Master-of-tactics
Capitalize your title properly.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[Alex is rebellious by nature. But when he saw that everyone from the group of rouges was holding a PokéBall in their hands, he decisively chose to give up. Because he knew that if he decided to rebel, it might be the last decision of his life.]
That’s really not about being rebellious or not. Also, it’s “rogues”. Rouge is the stuff to make your cheeks redder.
Your sentences are wonky in general. I’d strongly advise getting a beta reader.
[The foreman took pity on him and gave him a job, but as soon as he had some money, it was robbed from these team rocked ruffians and the police said that they can’t do anything to help him since he is not registered in the Alliance.
And you can only register in the Alliance if your father or mother is registered in it or if you know a powerful person in the Alliance.
What a shitty system.
Although 80% of all citizens are registered, it is terrible for those who are not registered. They can hardly protect themselves from criminals.]
Systems exist for reasons beyond your character being shit on. Your worldbuilding should have more to it than this.
[Unfortunately, the profession of Trainer, which has been dealing with Pokémon for a long time, is a high-risk profession in itself. The number of people who want to become Trainers every year is very high, but there are very few people who can become a Trainer.]
This doesn’t make sense either. An extremely risky profession can’t also be extremely hard to get into or they wouldn’t be able to replace the people who die or quit.
This would appear to be another entry into the idea that making things just suck at random is the “realistic” way it’d actually work.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14188866/1/Hold-on
Capitalize your title properly.
[“Sarah… Is in a… Coma…” The doctor said as Ritchie looked at his hands and sat back down..
“For how long?!” Ash asked as the Doctor gulped.
“We don’t know” The Doctor said as he walked back to Sarah’s room…]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
You should only capitalize an individual’s name, not other nouns like “doctor”.
There is really nothing to this story. You don’t show her getting injured, just that other characters are worried about her, then end by saying eh, she’s fine in the end. Just because you already care about the character doesn’t mean you should skip over that part when writing a story you’re posting for strangers to read.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14188952/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-the-Series-Next-Generation
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[“What?” Ash exclaimed in a mixture of both concern and confusion. Prof. Kukui shook his head, “we got the desired results, but all that spinning plus using to move that once might’ve been a bit much for incineroar that would explain why it’s so dizzy. We’re on the right track in this version probably works, but we need to refine it a bit more. At least this is better than what happened with Buizel,” Kukui said, remembering their disastrous first attempt.]
You shouldn’t have multiple speakers in the same paragraph.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14188971/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Mystery-Dungeon-Zorua-s-Journey-of-Finding-Jobs
Your formatting is borked.