NaRe2022 Day 5 (12)

We continue to not have any standard OT fic! However, there is someone being roughly as incompetent, overpowered and poorly plotted but as a baker for some reason.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14019167/1/Something-More-Sinister (0)

Write out numbers with letters.

[However selfish this may seem, his life is the most important…]

This is a really exceptionally judgmental way of putting “Fearing for his life if he refused, he did some research on DNA.” Nothing about what you wrote means he valued his life so much that he’d have written his research notes in freshly juiced baby blood or anything. He just didn’t disobey a bad guy on principle.

[Team Rocket was initially just a stock trading service. At the time, a lot of companies were making it big, and stock trading was a very good get-rich-quick scheme. However, after multiple unfortunate falling-outs with partners, his business was broken. With next to nothing left, he resorted to crime. Within a few months, a newly established Team Rocket was formed, completely self contained with its own hierarchy of power, with Giovanni sitting on the top, overseeing everything. ]

This is really not how criminal enterprises get going.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[I was eagerly waiting outside the Pokemon Tower for his starter. I wasn’t waiting alone though, as quite a few other people from the orphanage were waiting patiently for their starter. I was secretly hoping for a Dreepy if they had one, but that was only given to a trainer ONCE. Dreepy are just too rare to find, especially in Kanto. He would be fine with any run of the mill Pokemon. Even a rattata would be fine for him, I loved all Pokemon equally(Except THAT one). He was most fascinated by the ghost type, it was so mysterious, but so god damn powerful.]

Pick if you’re writing in first or third person and then stick with it.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

[Inside Pokemon Tower]

Instead of labeling your scene breaks, work it into the narration. [I slowly walked up the stairs] could be [I slowly walked up the stairs of Pokemon Tower].

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14019226/1/New-Leaf (0)

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[With your ability, you’d become a top leader in Team Rocket. Also, we pay good even to the newest grunts.

She thought about the offer. Joining those thieves, that would be horrible. However, she didn’t have that many options. Her dad had left the house when she was just a kid, and mom’s shop made just enough to make ends meet. For her, her Pokémon journey was her main source of income, and with her being a novice she didn’t earn that much from her battles either. Team Rocket offered her a stable source of income, as well as experience with Pokémon. It might not be the most moral option, but she felt it was better than the current situation.]

Okay, so I like the idea here but it’s really, really abrupt.

First, if money’s a big thing, that should come up at the start, when this guy hands her a lump of gold as a prize. She should be really excited.

[- Congratulations, miss! You beat the bridge’s five trainers. Have this as a prize.

The man suddenly giving her a gold nugget left her confused, but she stayed calm despite being tired for all the battle.

– Uhh, thank you I guess.]

This doesn’t sound like someone who’s desperate for money. She should excited and possibly also wary. Then when he makes his offer, the fact he’s handing out gold so casually should be a factor in her believing him – that’s presumably the whole point of a big prize followed by a job offer. Since she cares about finances, she should also want to know what the actual pay is (including if it’s actually a stable source of income, or if he means they pay well but it’s commissions, which is similar to battles rather than being stable) and possibly other factors like if it comes with free room and board. You also have her thinking that the previous Team Rocket trainers she encountered were weak, and I’d expect that to be yet another factor in this. Maybe the starting pay is terrible but she believes him about easily becoming a top leader and getting their pay instead, so it still seems worth the risk, or maybe the fact even those losers she could beat in her sleep are making far more money than she is as a trainer now, and she’ll only make more as she rises in the ranks, is what makes her decide that crime isn’t so bad after all.

[- Then get ready to fight! – the grunt said as he grabbed his pokeball – Wait! Do you really accept the offer?]

Also, while this is a little funny in the context of how the games have it so everyone always fights, it undermines the rest of your story. The fact they give such a huge prize before the offer means they must think this offer is usually going to work.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14019431/1/Generations (4)

[AJ looked on in agony as her precious Milotic was thrown back violently against the wall of the arena.]

Okay, so, there’s this big elephant in the room that this is brushing up against.

We want dramatic battles, and pokemon getting battered is dramatic. But regular battles in the pokeworld are entirely for personal gain rather than something that has to happen, which makes making someone go through this awful. Even if we assume the pokemon and humans are perfectly equal partners and going to share the reward equally, which, obviously no and that’s illustrated in the fact your first line establishes one owns the other, and then there’s the fact one person’s physically suffering and the other isn’t means even equal rewards would be unfair…there’s the issue that comparing this to any human sport would get people banning it and calling for safer and less painful forms of competition.

Pretty much the only way of dealing with this is, unfortunately, to just dial it down. Don’t rely on pain and injury for your source of drama. Do stuff like talk about how big and impressive the moves are, have them destroying the field even, but have a much lower amount of damage the pokemon can take before the referee declares they have to stop battling. Possibly you can combine that with the idea of her milotic insisting on continuing by having it be like wrestling or similar sports where a pokemon has to get back up within a short timeframe or they lose, but you’d have to make it clear that can happen without pokemon always getting beaten to a pulp first.

[“Starmie, use Rain Dance!”

The absurdity of her opponent’s command was so great that AJ’s jaw actually fell open.

Rain Dance? She told her Starmie to use Rain Dance?!]

And here’s a problem from a very different angle. Obviously it’s going to be thunder. This is basic. It’s not just that this is a well-known combo in the games, but also anyone using a water pokemon is going to have to always balance the question of if they should order rain dance to boost water moves against the possibility the other pokemon knows thunder. And in this particular case, she herself has another pokemon who is electric-type and must’ve taken advantage of this herself plenty of times. In a situation like this, the only thing that’d feel plausible is if thunder was itself the fakeout and she was setting up another move.

If you want your characters to come off as exceptionally talented, which is what anyone fighting at this level should be, you should consider the basic move interactions coded into the games to be the stuff kids know, and invent a whole host of less obvious interactions so that it feels plausible someone wouldn’t see it coming. Having her beat herself up for missing it isn’t good enough, because this goes so far beyond that into total incompetence, and this is her introduction – you should be spending it establishing that she actually does know what she’s doing.

[“Starmie! Let’s end this quick! Use Thunder!”

AJ’s eyes lit up. Misty had done exactly what she’d been hoping she would. This was her chance!

Offering up a quick prayer to Mew, Arceus, and anyone else who could be listening, she jabbed her finger into the air and cried triumphantly, “Milotic, now! Mirror Coat!”]

Meanwhile, this just flat out doesn’t work. If you have mirror coat working like in the anime then a pokemon should just use it against every special move. Note I didn’t say AJ should be ordering it. There’s no way this could possibly need an order. It has no downsides ever. It is the “do twice damage while completely protecting yourself from harm” move. And in turn, not only should any opposing trainer make sure to only use physical moves if they know the pokemon can use mirror coat, but no opposing pokemon should ever actually send a special attack at them once a trainer’s just shouted that order. Now, perhaps pokemon can’t use their own moves without getting shouted at, and also can’t choose to abort a move even if it’s going to get them electrocuted? But then they can’t possibly consent to battling, because evidently, they’re either unfathomably stupid or slavishly obedient to the point they can’t make a single decision of their own, and the whole thing with Milotic saying she wanted to do this can’t have happened.

So again, you really need to be able to invent a lot of your own move interactions and more complicated strategy if you want to convincingly write a battle between talented trainers because move interactions kids can easily master don’t fit well with the idea of the most talented people in a region going head to head.

Also, people really don’t pray to Mew, Arceus, or the rest, and it’s a thousand times worse when it’s Ash’s kid. Ash. Who canonically sees actual in the flesh Mew and goes, “Huh, I wonder what that weird pokemon is? Curses, the pokedex can’t identify it, guess I’ll never know…” because his culture does not have a religion based around worshiping Mew or the rest as gods.

[Milotic had already taken heavy damage in her previous battle, but in spite of that she wasn’t stupid enough to think her opponent was going to give her enough time to pull off a Recover or an Aqua Ring]

But when Milotic doesn’t quite get knocked out, and there’s that very long dramatic period of everyone wondering about that and then discussing whether or not Milotic can continue – wouldn’t she be using that during the breather? If nothing else, she’s physically hurt and would want to heal up to make herself feel better. If you do these kinds of pauses where an opponent’s willing to wait for a pokemon to definitely return to battle, I think it’d make more sense to act as if healing moves either don’t exist or are banned during fights.

[mom and I ]

Used in place of her name, it’s capitalized just like a name, so that’d be “Mom”.

The bit with Misty gushing over the job she did battling works well. The conversation’s a natural continuation of the battle itself and also is payoff for the hints that she knows her opponent. The rest of the story past that seems like it’s a matter of wanting to name drop a lot of other characters and establish where they are in your story’s universe, which isn’t something that actually serves the story itself.

In general, this seems overly long. Very little actually happens in the battle for how many moves are exchanged and words spent on it, but it takes up most of your chapter. Then similarly, while there’s some things that matter in the conversations that follow and logistics, there’s also a lot of chaff. The most interesting thing here is the bad relationship she’s got with Ash, which so far is just being hinted at. That’s okay for something that’s going to be revealed slowly, but it means you really need more going on to fill things up while that simmers than just that she’s having battles and other people are very impressed about those battles. There’s very little that’s actually surprising here. It’d be worth spending time on people’s reactions if those reactions were strange, like that for some reason they didn’t like that she was trying to go for Ash’s same title. But supporting her is just what you’d expect family and friends would do.

This one actually made me think that just removing all real consequences for battles might actually make them work better. The more it tried to show she was a great trainer for caring about her pokemon and how her pokemon was choosing to keep going despite being in agony, the worse the entire concept became. For a trainer to seem like an okay person, the opposite should be true – minor injuries should be enough to end a battle, and pokemon should give up early and have their trainer be understanding.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14019536/1/323rd-Times-a-Charm (0)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

If you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[Rather, the pair both bore eager, smug smiles; as if they were both seconds away from bursting out into mirthful laughter.]

Semicolons aren’t commas but with more emphasis. They’re for connecting two complete sentences and usually shouldn’t be used at all.

[“It was always going to go this way. I’m sorry,” she said with a smile.

“Puh-puh-puh-please, don’t kill me,” Darkrai whimpered out shakily.

“Aww, why not?” Sara asked with mock sympathy, “Are you afraid of going to Hell?”

“Puh-puh-please. . .muh-muh-mercy,” Darkrai pleaded as his whole body trembled.

“And why should I show you mercy?” Sara asked him, “After you killed me and everyone I loved over and over and over, over 300 times, why would I ever show you mercy?”

“Better. . .than me. . . You. . . good. . .” Darkrai gasped out, his glowing red eye pleading.

“But my dear,” Sara said with a wolfish grin, “If I let you go, you wouldn’t be punished.”

Darkrai struggled to free his haid from Sara’s grip, but to no avail. “Puh-please, please. . .”

“How does it feel to finally know. . .” Sara began, her smile getting wider by the second, “. . .that your life was completely worthless?”

Sara chuckled a bit, then she said, “But you know, I really am better than you, so I don’t want to drag this out and torture you. I just want you gone, for this to end, and to to get my life back. So . . . it’s time. . .”]

Except that dragging it out is exactly what she just did for this whole passage when she could’ve just cleanly killed him. And you also say she found his screams of pain delightful earlier. She hasn’t done anything as bad to him as he did to her – but she also apparently thinks she’s still an actual good guy at the end of this because torture is okay sometimes, which is its own kind of terrible.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14019560/1/Is-the-Sea-My-Home (0)

I’m really not sure what to make of this.

On a character level, pretty much everything going on here is something you’ve created, that they’re related, the divorce and parental issues, the mental problems. The fact they’re gym leaders pretty much only comes up in the context of Jasmine avoiding it. The problems they face aren’t pokemon related and the characters don’t have much other connection to pokemon. This seems to be primarily a fic about a bunch of real-world things you thought were interesting and worthy of writing about, and I don’t disagree with that part of it, but as it is, it’s pretty much original fiction. And there, I do think it could still stand to be developed further. Jasmine’s mother pretty much only exists as someone who hurt her family over and over for reasons unexplained, and Jasmine never really reckons with that.

And as to the worldbuilding you created… Well, similar issues that it’s not really connected to canon so much as sharing some names, but also, while I found the mental illness thing a big topic but one you handled fine, you’re written a horrifying colonial history that just skates over all that. You keep referencing things that either result in or require oppression and murder as if that had nothing to do with it. You have this whole thing about Jasmine having another entire name that she never knew, and it’s incredibly important to her when she finds out her father gave it to her, but not a thought about what it means that her father never spoke a word of his own language in her hearing and only dared mention her other name when he was in private among his own family.

[The language started to have a revival in Johto around 10 years ago when the United Kingdoms of Kanto and Johto decided to split and become two independent nations like they once were 300 years ago. The language wasn’t dead, but was still severely underused. Only around 30-40% of ethnic Johtonians knew their native language. When Kanto and Johto decided to become one kingdom, they decided to mainly use the Kantonian language, which is today known as the global language or the common tongue.]

This isn’t how things happen. When two countries “both decide” to merge and “both decide” they’re now going to speak only one country’s language, you’re talking about one country taking over the other and trying to stamp out the other’s culture because they think it’s inferior. Look at Welsh, for example. A country desperately trying to revive their own language the moment they can is a country that was under another’s thumb.

[“I didn’t know you were religious, and besides that, very few people practice the native Johtonian religion anymore. Mother didn’t even really practice it.”

“You know that I grew up in Father’s clan. They practiced Arceism (4), and once I knew what our mother’s, and effectively our, native religion was and that it was just a sect of father’s, I wanted to know more about it and practice it if I could.]

The people of a different place with different gods are not actually just a sect of the dominant religion just because the dominant religion says they are. This is like how some Christians insist they count as Jewish or making other people’s stories into their own saints. It may be plausible for him to blithely say that because he’s never been around an actual member of the religion he thinks he’s part of, but if she grew up in Johto then even though she’s clearly a member of the dominant religion herself, she should have encountered the believers of this one and have an inkling of how horrendously offensive that is to them.

[The only thing that really clears her head is working at the Great Neptune Lighthouse, named after one of the seven Astrals of the dominant Sinnohan religion, a religion brought to Sinnoh by the Kanjohjins (5) that unified the state.]

“Unified” is a super, super loaded term to refer to other people coming in and conquering everybody. Also, if they’re “bringing” religion in the way where it completely wipes out whatever the people’s original beliefs are, it probably was more “imposing and killing everybody who refused”. (It also further contradicts the idea Kanto and Johto were equal partners in any of this – when they get there, they bring Kanto’s religion that says Johto’s gods are their high god’s servants.)

[The Kanjohjins said that the Great Neputune guided them to Sinnoh by a ray of light. They led them home the same way the lighthouse led sailors home.]

Led them to a home that already was people’s homes, until they conquered it all because they thought it was already theirs as a gift from God. If you’re trying to portray lighthouses as a nice, friendly thing to Jasmine, a thing that means home to her personally as well, you should probably have said Sinnoh was empty of humans instead instead of that light brings invaders who’ll do their best to kill your people, culture, and language.

[ There were so many guilds all over the region, but there was only one that would allow indigenous communities to join the guild and sell their stuff. That was the Ginko Guild.

“As time went on and the need for guilds lessened, the Ginko Guild decided to sell all of their properties.]

This is perhaps the closest all this history you’ve created gets to acknowledging the actual inequality backed into all this, and instead of engaging with it in any way, it just avoids the topic by sticking to the history of the guilds, with what was actually going on with the people going unsaid. It’s not like this is necessarily a good thing – for that matter, one system of holding power going away right when the people who aren’t supposed to have power learning how to use it usually didn’t just happen.

If this is supposed to be some thing where the bones of atrocities both historical and ongoing are everywhere but Jasmine has been so thoroughly indoctrinated she can’t see it, and everyone else is just talking around the issues because they don’t want to upset a true believer, well, I guess you could do something with the fact it seems like the people of Johto were both oppressed by the more dominant Kanto culture while taking part in oppressing everyone else so even though she can’t speak a word in her people’s original language these other people even now only view her as the child of conquerors, but that’s pretty bleak and doesn’t seem to fit into rest of her personal story here or the explicit text saying this is about successfully connecting. But there’s also the strangeness in how the personal dynamic you’ve outlined is that her Johto mother kept her from her Sinnohan father, culture and language, while her disconnect from her Johto culture and language is just a thing that happened for no reason, and no one ever quite mentions Kanto culture which seems to be the actual one dominating both places. (You don’t even have culture be one of the things she’s getting criticism on as a gym leader.) She discovers the letters were hidden personally and reconnects with her brother and her father’s family, but never seems to reconsider the broader history.

If you’re thinking that maybe this really is a super subtle take on the way colonialism shapes even the narrative told about itself, this is an author who has the copypasta about how if you give yourself to Jesus he’ll make it so another girl gets raped instead of you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14019626/1/The-Formative-Experiences-of-Gazing-Upon-Hell (0)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[The blue-haired girl scoffs. ]

Also, don’t use epithets like that. If hair color isn’t relevant to the fact she’s scoffing or the broader conversation, don’t bring it up. If you do want to mention it, find a way to bring it up in a way connected to an action, like that she needs to push her hair from her eyes when she wakes up a few lines earlier, or as part of another description that’s more relevant, like talking about how in the dark her blue hair just looks grey and so does Barry’s blonde hair.

[I didn’t think a Pokémon like Giratina existed. Damn, I didn’t even think that the lake spirits existed, and now, not only I believe in them, I’ve seen them. Someone has caught them in a fucking PokéBall.]

I like all this, though. The fact some story turned out to be true, and even true in how they’re powerful enough to tear holes in reality, and also they’re inside a pokeball now, is going to be a lot to deal with. And it also makes sense that dealing with it is just that they’re going to have sex because why not with everything else that’s happened already?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14019836/1/The-Nekos-Lives-With-Me (0)

[(Chapter 1 is under construction for a moment. I’m posting this just to let you know this is the next project I’m gonna do when I don’t feel like making lemons for This is Not Okay.)]

Don’t do this. Post a chapter when you have a chapter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14019959/1/Dreaming-of-Sinnoh (0)

[Defeating gyms along the way was merely a suggestion, not a requirement.]

I think you’re talking about the professor bringing it up and how he wasn’t personally requiring it, rather than that the gyms are totally optional in every way, but it’s a really bad word choice because to use in the context of something that’s a requirement for something.

[She spent her first night in Jubilife.]

[The next day is spent in Oreburgh City ]

You may be going for something that reflects more the way people play the game, but having her go at a pace of one place a day makes Sinnoh seem like it’s painfully tiny, both in terms of literal distances and in terms of how there’s apparently nothing much to actually do in these places, especially when she must also be spending a portion of her day searching for pokemon on the routes, and then on top of that she’s somehow raising her pokemon into champions.

I think it’d have worked better to just be speaking in weeks instead of days. Spending a week on each location gives the sense she actually has time to really explore but would still have the same rhythm.

[The next day makes her a hero. You climb]

You seem to have dropped into second person here, or was this originally that? It does feel like something that would work well in second person.

[ a grand but decrypt house]

Decrepit.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14020173/1/Tour-de-Kalos-I-d-Rather-Bake (2)

[In regions the world over, from Sinnoh to Kalos, from Kanto to Alola, from Johto to Unova, graduating from Trainer School is a momentous occasion.]

Right, except for how none of that is true. Considering your story is about someone who isn’t even interested in being a trainer, I don’t know why you spend all this time establishing this non-canon idea that’s such an obviously unworkable idea is still true in your fic that’s highlighting just why it’s such a bad idea that makes no sense. You’re contradicting canon to introduce extra plotholes into your story that isn’t even about this. Why? Why not just say he’s graduating school?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[and suddenly it was a huge deal that the Bacon family was opening a bakery of all things. Why, they were cooks, not low-class bakers. Where was the subtlety? One wrong spice in a dish of Kingler and the whole thing goes in the trash. You could completely ruin a batch of bread and people would still find a way to enjoy it.]

Uh. Not really? At all? Baking is the one where the slightest screwup is a disaster, and screwups include the very weather not cooperating.

[It was in no ways a normal starter Pokémon. Most families raised a weaker Normal-type alongside their children to acclimate them to Pokémon before they found or met a partner Pokémon of their own.]

Okay, so this part is utterly reasonably, but that’s just making the whole trainer school thing even weirder if you’ve got a society where pokemon are integrated to the point kids grow up with pokemon and get them at natural points, but also for some reason most of their schooling revolves around learning how to be a great pokemon battler for a thing they won’t even get a chance to try until they’re eighteen instead of all the other stuff people actually need to know.

[Now, the question then would be, how did one manage to get a whopping eighteen different varieties of something that usually came in uniform packets at the convenience store?]

…there’s tons of different kinds of yeast. You don’t need pokemon magic for it, it exists and it’s not a big deal. And that’s without getting into how yeast isn’t even the only microorganism people use for bread. This is like being confused there’s tons of different kinds of flour because that comes in uniform packages at the convenience store. It’s a convenience store. By definition it carries the absolute most common variety of something, and often not even that, so honestly, wouldn’t expect yeast to be there at all. I rather suspect you meant grocery store, which is still only going to carry a small amount for casual bakers, and still often do carry more than one variety of yeast.

[Foongus absorbed all of the flour and water, bulging at its stomach even though it was made of squishy fungus. Yeast, scientifically, is also categorized as a fungus.

Electric-types can learn Grass-type moves, Pokémon can levitate while walking on the ground. It’s truly nothing strange that a fungus can create more fungus, even if it is slightly different.]

This is a bit like saying sponges can vomit out birds because birds are just a slightly different kind of animal than a sponge, except yeast isn’t even a multicellular fungal species like the mushroom-producing varieties.

And even worse than the affront to science is this is so banal. He’s using his pokemon to mimic something people in our world do by just putting in the effort it takes to maintain more than one colony of live yeast. Why not say it’s actual foogus-fermented bread? Why not have it riddled with foongus hyphae rather than yeast cells, and, say, the different varieties are from feeding his pokemon different berries right before?

[Kristoff did not get slapped for, ahem, putting on the moves. A little bit of flirting, even very low-key, was just good customer service, or so his mother told him. He’d never been quite sure of the advice, as she’d jumped straight to being a manager at the diner his dad worked after pointing out all of the business’s inefficiencies, but that’s a story for another day.]

Okay, has he seriously never worked in this industry before and his only knowledge is hearing what his professional parents mention? He never worked there as a part-time job, or under any other actual professionals in other restaurants or bakeries? He’s just starting this with absolutely no practical experience whatsoever and neither of his parents pointed out that’s a terrible idea?

[Those uninitiated into the wonderful world of culinary arts could tell when something was good, but more often then not couldn’t tell why. Some would say a bread was sweet or salty, but just making bread with sugar or salt wouldn’t elicit those responses, it would elicit disgust.]

…people put salt and sugar in bread all the time.

I mean, I get why he’s confused because apparently all he does is vary the amounts of flour and water and mix it with nonsense yeast, but using more than three ingredients in is how pretty much all bread is made.

[From there, business exploded. The café next door had a lot of people that were tired of pastries and sugary nothings,]

He’s a baker who thinks pastries are a waste of time. Seriously?

[A mere week after opening, people were coming in with their own drinks (which Kristoff didn’t sell, instead recommending different drinks for different breads and trusting the customers to make their own choices. Those that followed his advice were amazed at the contrast and complementation that a simple green tea could have with a slightly more sugary bread)]

I am kind of in awe at how bad he is at running a business.

[but there was an article about how Malasadas are made using a specialty style that I’ve incorporated into my own baking.”]

What. You know those are a real food, right? What on earth about that got incorporated here? They’re a type of fried dough!

[ “I see, Kristoff, that you’re using standard ingredients, aside from the yeast. Most mom-and-pop shops pride themselves on locally sourced ingredients, but you seem to be using ingredients that anyone could buy.”]

Is he literally buying his ingredients from the convenience store? Like, he won’t even go the extra distance for an actual food store? Why? For that matter, how? Convenience stores usually don’t carry a huge amount of a single item so he should be buying out all their nearly expired stale all-purpose flour and then having to close early for the day. And restaurant suppliers exist for a reason. If absolutely nothing else, if he’s making exactly one kind of bread he should be buying that one kind of bread flour and not all-purpose flour.

Meanwhile, wtf what mom-and-pop stores are buying locally sourced wheat to personally grind into flour?

[“Aren’t you worried that your recipes will be copied?” she asked, scribbling on her notepad.]

Pretty much everything made everywhere is easily copied, but it doesn’t matter because you’re selling the effort of making it.

In his case, though, the biggest question is why would anyone bother copying him when it’s really unlikely two novelty only bread and only one kind of bread per customer based on your poke-horoscope and how dare you ask if we sell pastry the very idea bakeries could stay afloat.

[Whipping towards the butter dish, he scooped up a tab on the end of a knife and spread it evenly across the top with a single swipe, causing it to melt over the top instantly and giving it a savory glaze.]

Did you know there’s also more than one kind of butter.

[“You’re using tap water, table salt, and literally run-of-the-mill flour. Get some better ingredients that you won’t just find at the corner store.”]

And…this is a huge revelation to him?

Also since when does he even bother to use salt, you were pretty clear on him sneering at anyone doing things more than his three ingredients.

[Better ingredients. Not just the corner store? But that would mean researching what ingredients were the best, finding individual suppliers, and going all around the region to secure the deals.]

…you know what might make a lot more sense here? Him being the kid of rich parents who are not connected to restaurant businesses or, in fact, any sort of business whatsoever. He’s had the leisure time to learn how to bake according to what he thought was a great idea and he’s very proud of how far he’s come. His parents can be confused but supportive about his decision to have a job of any kind but don’t have any advice to offer, the fact he doesn’t seem to have any concern about profitability is because he’s never thought in those terms, etc.. And that’s why being told to do things slightly differently sets him off into a huge overreaction that improving his ingredients in the slightest means he must perfectly get the very most perfect best ingredients in the entire country and damn the cost, rather than that maybe he should try using actual bread flour and consider a water filter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14020276/1/A-Newer-Brighter-Future (2)

[“You found some berries?” The young man asked and the Pokemon nodded. ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[“Who-Who are you?” He asked her.

“Shh,” she said, placing a finger against his lips before surprising him by giving him a full kiss on the mouth.

“Mmph!” He said in surprise, trying to move his head away, but the girl held his head in place, still kissing him. He finally gave up and let her, though he had to admit that the kiss actually felt nice. The girl gently broke away before smiling.]

Okay, so this doesn’t become not sexual assault just because she’s a girl.

If you just want your OC to hook up with James, then having her actually meet and have a conversation with him rather than just be his stalker for a bit and then do this as soon as she gets within grabbing range is a good idea. Conversely, if you want James getting jumped by someone who, again, has never actually met him before and who he doesn’t know, and you want James to struggle against it until eventually he gives up because he can’t get free, lean in to the fact that’s messed up. It’s plausible James would go along with it in the end, but that’s because he’s also messed up and the resulting relationship’s not just pure fluff.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14020705/1/PMD-Shadows-of-Shade (0)

[The very last thing Ryker the riolu expected was to wake up from his boring old life in the body of a riolu!]

Uh. Not sure why someone already known for how very much they’re a riolu is so shocked to wake up still a riolu.

[“Ok.” Ember responded patiently.]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Also, it’s “okay”, four letters.

[ “Comeon lets go!”]

“Come on, let’s go!”

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14020754/1/Hope (0)

What you’ve written here is competent sentence to sentence, but it doesn’t really add up to a story. It’s just a string of White encountering Black with the actual events summarized down to nothing. You don’t give any context, and you barely even give White’s feelings, You keep repeating she hoped, but it’s repetitive because you don’t develop why she’s hoping for any of this. It’s just “something happened, she hoped things would work out!” over and over. And given I can’t make out any actual personality or feelings from White here, it definitely doesn’t sell the true love angle in particular.

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