NaRe2022 Day 6 (18+1)

A lot of stuff centered around Ash and the early season, with even the one that’s about Ash starting in Kalos and the inevitable betrayal-Ash fic both involved emphasis on how many seasons of adventures he’s already had. Possibly the modern accessibility of shows means that the newest fans coming in are now watching from the start again.

Also, yet another quirky character specializing in something else entirely and who clearly had no interest in pokemon battling somehow changing their mind and becoming a great trainer.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14020793/1/Speaking-a-Common-Language (2)

[“How many badges do you have?” A computerized voice issued forth from the panel.

“Badges?” The boy shrugged. “This is the very first gym I’m challenging here, so I haven’t won any yet.”]

First, that first paragraph really should have the narration describing how the dialogue is said, because the narration really doesn’t stand as its own sentence.

Second, Ash goes on to complain [“I’m not a beginner, though!” Ash replied, frustrated and impatient. “I’ve got more than forty badges of my own! They’re just not Kalos badges!”] but he was just asked how many badges he had. If he thinks those badges should count, he should’ve mentioned them. If you want to make a point that the whole thing’s dumb because Ash isn’t a beginner, then have him make a case properly and still be rejected because the robot only counts Kalos badges rather than throwing a tantrum afterward that just because he said he has no badges he’s getting treated like he’s got no badges. Or just cut the whole thing out entirely and do something else since he’s not meeting Clemont here and the point was supposed to be setting up him running into the actual gym leader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14020857/1/Leon-s-lost-adventures (0)

Capitalize your title properly.

[It was a pleasant day in Saffron City, where the tall buildings suggest a hectic lifestyle.]

Not really? A big city suggests busy, sure, but a lot of tall buildings are office buildings, which in turn suggests a lifestyle that involves a lot of sitting in chairs in front of computers and sitting in chairs around tables.

[Despite the bustling city atmosphere, the people of Saffron City are still unfailingly kind.]

And this just seems to come from nowhere. It doesn’t seem relevant to anything that comes after, and like, unusually kind compared to other places, or do you just mean despite the stereotypes about cities they were as kind as other places? Bustle isn’t a kindness/nonkindness thing anyway. People living in cities interact with strangers much more briefly no matter what – it’s just math, the more people everyone meets per day, the more streamlined you want your stranger interactions. If you’re going to meet one person a day, taking ten minutes to chat is ten minutes. If you meet two hundred, it’s not.

[One of the areas of concern are how Pokemon are affected by different types of Pokeballs. While preliminary data has suggested that each Pokeball offers the maximum level of comfort for every Pokemon, the fact that different types of Pokeball has varied catch rates affected sometimes by external factors seem to suggest otherwise. The Master Ball is one of the rarest types with a catch rate that offers a guaranteed catch to any Pokemon, even Legendary and Mythical ones. In order to get the necessary data, they need to talk to the President of Silph Co for access.]

This would sound a lot more plausible if canon hadn’t introduced balls that affect how happy the pokemon are to be in them and which is explicitly described as a more comfortable pokeball to be in, and with the exact same catch rate as a pokeball. So no, everyone knows that all other types of pokeballs are far from the maximum level of comfort and that catch rate just refers to how well you can prevent pokemon desperately trying to fight their way out from succeeding at escaping.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Blue and Red looked at each other in confusion. How in Arceus]

Not a thing in general, really not a thing in Kanto, really really really not a thing with those two in particular.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

It really is interesting how people try to justify something like an increased catch rate as oh, the pokemon just likes being in there too much to leave.

Of course, it’s also interesting that apparently in canon only the filthy rich trainer types use luxuryballs when they’re not exactly bank-breakingly expensive, rather than it also being found among people like ace trainers or pokemon fans.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14021023/1/Another-Time-My-Love (0)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Write out numbers with letters.

The discovery at the center of this fic isn’t conveyed very well – you have your protagonist see things briefly and not explain what it means to him at the time, which means it’s only properly explained when the argument/accusations start. Having him react and feel outrage when it’s happening would lead into the actual argument better.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14021079/1/Waking-up-to-an-Adventure-Indigo-League (5)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Okay, so you made sure to recreate the very opening faithfully, with just Ash not going to sleep and so he gets there first. (Though that does seem a weird solution when you could just as easily have said that everything was identical and Ash just didn’t sleep-throw his alarm so it went off normally, and the fact he’s apparently sleepless doesn’t mean he makes any poor decisions for the rest of the chapter.)

But it means you spend ages rehashing something that’s already been done and was better in its original format by virtue of being designed as a TV opening rather than something written, all in order to say nothing of note ended up happening. It’s expected that Ash would get a starter. Now he gets a starter and it’s a less interesting one than in the original. When he’s reminded to put it back in its pokeball, it goes in without a fuss. When he tries to battle wild pokemon, it also goes fine and he gets his second pokemon early. There’s not even signs that a lack of adversity in some ways is causing any problems in another – he seems like he’s treating Squirtle with respect and consideration without needing the stubbornness Pikachu displayed to get him to think more about pokemon as having their own feelings. Then the only payoff for him staying up is he takes a nap in place of Ash’s frantic and dramatic attempt to escape danger, and sees Ho-oh as a capstone of a perfectly good, peaceful day.

[Both knowing the same thing was on their mind, they knew it was a sign. A sign that their journey together was destined to be packed with nonstop action, millions of laughs, heart-pounding perils, and endless excitement.]

I mean, if people want action and excitement they could get it by watching the anime where there were actual ups and downs to the first episode! Ho-oh came in at the end of all that, not after nothing happened and somehow that meant that maybe things would eventually.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14021096/1/XXXtreme-Training (3 – though it’s all requests)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

I think you really need to commit to if this is supposed to be kinking on the noncon aspect. You even tag it as forced, but that really seems more incidental bad plotting than anything. Right now the progression is that his pokemon is super excited to have sex with him and sad he says no, followed by him deciding the next morning he needs to have sex with her while she’s asleep and incapable of consenting, followed by her waking up and him saying he’s just going to have sex with her any way, followed by a mutual declaration of love. That’s not a very coherent progression. It seems like possibly the actual kink you’re going for her is something in the realm of objectification rather than your stated warnings, but even then it’s pretty heavy on her wanting to do this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14021192/1/For-The-Next-Generation (1)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“So!” Rebecca Tredi, the school principal, spoke. “The new Pokemon safety courses will be starting next week! I want you to review the lesson plans for them.”

Binders of lesson plans were passed around the table. Emily took hers and opened it up, thinking.

Sure, it was five years since her hometown was destroyed. Five years since her children had experienced what life with Pokemon was like first-hand.

She raised her hand. “Mrs Tredi,” she began, “Why are we even bothering with this?”]

I would turn this around – I am genuinely baffled what about people arguing school shouldn’t teach things was something you wanted to bother with. You don’t even give them any arguments! It’s just this weird setup for people to say what they were doing back then, all of which can be summed up as, “hey, if you already thought it was agonizingly stupid people would be debating the idea of teaching children information in a school, now all the people are going to explain about the massive death toll and how half of them are apparently alive just by blind luck!”

Like, there are so many interesting directions to go with about WHAT the courses should be about, and you picked “lessons??? IN SCHOOL???????????? why I never!”

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14021341/1/Choosing-Friendship (2)

This is interesting, but although you definitely did add a lot of depth into the original, I think it could’ve gone a bit further.

[Then he found a charizard, and a feeling of worry swept over him. Charizard had been out of control, just as he had been as as charmeleon as well. He needed to work with him more, but there never seemed to be time. They always found themselves wrapped up in yet another adventure, or other pokémon seemed to demand his attention first. Maybe he was overthinking it. He’d find a way to make Charizard listen no matter what.]

Ash has Charizard for a while, and looking back, it’s hard to see him as particularly busy during that time. And that’s kind of reinforced here, where he’s lying awake idly thinking about the future with no sign his life’s been so busy he really couldn’t find any time to spare. It seems more like this is an excuse for the fact he doesn’t know what’s gone wrong and how to fix it so he’s avoiding Charizard. But that kind of denial and anxiety doesn’t seem like it’s echoing the other issues here, which are more straightforwardly that Ash understandably doesn’t like losing friends, so it might work better to have Ash be straightforward here too – say he has been working with Charizard but it hasn’t worked out yet, which would lack the subtext that Ash is avoiding a confrontation.

(Also, I think [as as charmeleon] was probably meant to be [as a charmeleon].)

[“I think about them a lot, and I do miss them, but I know they are in good hands with my dad. He’s the one who should be raising them, not me. They’re good kids, and I know they will do great things on their own paths.”

“You’re probably right,” Ash agreed.

“Besides, you guys are kind of my family now. I know I have several brothers in my family already, but you’re a brother that I chose.”]

And continuing the subtextual issues, this one seems like there’s a lot going on. While I get you’re trying to emphasize friendship, I think that’d have been better done by avoiding family comparisons because for someone trapped by the need to care for their brothers, saying someone else is their brother is just an odd direction to go in and I’d expect something more like saying that Ash is special for being his friend rather than brother, because friend means someone you chose and it means a lot to Brock.

But also, while the original episode does present this as Brock getting freed from an unfair responsibility, in practice he slots right into a very similar role of older brother and caretaker for Ash and Misty for the rest of the series.

[Brock climbed down the ladder. “If I stay here, I’ll get to learn more and more about pokémon every day.”

He lifted his arm, and a butterfree landed. “And I think these guys may need me a lot more than you guys do.”]

And then this, with the contrast – is Brock asserting himself as a free individual, staying because he shouldn’t be sticking around to cook for them instead of pursuing his own happiness? Or is he staying because he feels he has to care for people who need it? Did Brock understand rationally that it was unfair he was forced to be the parent to all his brothers and sisters, but subconsciously he’s still trapped in that pattern? How much of him going with Ash and Misty in the first place was because he felt most comfortable thinking in the role of caring for them rather than because it was just what he wanted?

[Misty jolted awake, and quickly checked on Togepi. “Whew. I had a nightmare that Togepi left me. I feel like an actual parent sometimes.”]

Plus this, continuing the whole kids-as-parents theme, and then Brock saying [I wanted to be there for you, but I couldn’t. She left me in charge while she was gone. Those pokémon and those kids needed me. I would have been there for you in a second if it hadn’t been for that.”] so he was once again trapped in the parent role and unhappy with it.

[“I do know one thing,” Ash said, “You called me your brother and then you abandoned me.]

Because he did that to his actual brothers! He does, in fact, leave his brothers, and he leaves Ash, after in both cases taking on a caretaker role.

But then the resolution is just that friendship is great and Brock shouldn’t have left so abruptly or s completely, while Ash realizes that romantic love is different from friendship so he accepts Brock wanting that more than his friendship with them.

It really feels like something should’ve changed more in the dynamic between them – Ash being older and better able to take care of himself making for a more equal friendship this time around, and maybe that being his side of the apology instead. Plus it’d make the title a lot stronger if choosing friendship was getting contrasted with all the family stuff, instead of the lines being blurred all over the place.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14021446/1/Cold-hands (0)

Capitalize your title properly.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14021469/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Soul-Generations-Kanto-Saga (0)

Your title should really say more about your story than that its general genre.

Similarly, having established it’s pokemon OT fic in the title and then explained that again in the summary, you absolutely do not need to waste time with your opening lines explaining the very concept of pokemon to your audience.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Write out numbers with letters.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14021480/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Nimbostratus-Sunset-DX (0)

[Hello! My name is Crow9 and thank you for clicking on my story! Please skip ahead directly to Chapter One if you don’t want to read this short introduction.]

While I understand what you’re doing, this isn’t actually making it easier on the reader, who if you’d put this in your actual first chapter could’ve just looked down to the start of your chapter already and skipped it effortlessly, and it’s also against the rules here to post something as a complete chapter if it doesn’t contain your actual chapter.

[As a quick note, this story is basically a self-insert. Although I’ve toned the shamelessness down from the original, I couldn’t completely rewrite it out of the story. So if you don’t like first person or self-insert type stories, click away now. ]

Similarly, understandable, but you could’ve just written “first person, self-insert” in the summary and then people who didn’t want to click on it wouldn’t be here in the first place.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14021480/2/Pok%C3%A9mon-Nimbostratus-Sunset-DX (0)

[“Lu.” Riolu quietly replied, holding out the Poké Ball in its paws. I took the hint and reached over carefully to take the ball. The metal sphere was ice cold, and my warm hand left oily fingerprints on the surface. I turned it around, inspecting its every crevasse. The ball was so perfect and clean besides my fingerprints, it was almost unbelievable. Finally, I pressed the middle button and the ball opened, revealing the stainless steel insides. I was awestruck by how lifelike and expensive the handiwork looked to be.

“Rio.” Riolu added, gaining my attention again. He pointed with his paw at the ball and then back at him. Confused, I stared at him blankly for a moment; Riolu immediately looked away as to not make eye contact.

“Are… are you… my Pokémon?” I almost gave myself goosebumps saying that. Riolu did a single, brief nod in response, momentarily catching my gaze before turning away again. “U-um… okay.” I looked down at the Poké Ball, heart racing again, but for a different reason now. “Do I need to catch you?” Riolu didn’t answer, but instead walked over and touched the Poké Ball with his paw. Almost instantly, he materialized into a beam of red light which flew right into the center of the ball.]

… Okay, so.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

It is really weird that this pokemon appears to have come into existence just to explain that it’s a stranger’s property and all of its clear intelligence and personality revolves around nothing but going in the ball to be a good prize for the main character.

Also, if material is turning into non-material such as light, we don’t call that “materializing” but “de-materializing”.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14021484/1/Bonnie-And-The-Enchanted-Forest (0)

[Man what a nightmare it felt like I was never going to be with everyone I know right now but it was just a nightmare and when I did wake up, I was in bed and that was quite odd.]

This is full of sentences that are barely coherent jumbles of information. I’d strongly suggest you get a beta reader to help organize your words better.

Write out numbers with letters.

It’s “okay”, four letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14021726/1/Pokemon-Quest-for-the-Diamond-Badge (0)

[In a strange world, everywhere that you go, the environment seems the same. There are people going around doing their business in cities and towns, nature is showing it’s wonders when discovered, and time seems to go at its same speed. Yet, throughout this world, there are creatures that are mysterious and fascinating. While some are living in sprawling, grassy fields, some are in the thick and dense forests. While some are living in deep, dark, and cool caves, others are braving the harsh heat or cold in deserts or tundras. While others splash in the blue waters and waves, others fly in the calm breezes of the sky. While some of these creatures have features relating to animals or bugs, others have features relating nature, such as rocks or plants. These mystifying creatures all inhabit the world, no matter what place a person might find them, regardless of being viewed or hidden. ]

Okay, so all those different things you listed are known as “the environment”. I don’t know what word you meant is all the same, but “environment” is the wrong word for it.

Also, not sure why you’re saying it’s really strange time seems to be going at the same speed here.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You not only didn’t need to spend most of your first chapter explaining basics of the pokemon world, but shouldn’t have, because it’s boring to anyone who already knows this and those are the people most likely to be interested in reading your story in the first place. I, for example, am not going to continue on to the second chapter, because why on earth would I?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14021800/1/Deviation (1)

Write out numbers with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Then she became 15 and chose to go to a modeling school. 17 and she graduated]

Okay, you do not need two years to learn how to be a model, and also, this sounds like you think this is literally a school and not a string of workshops done in her spare time.

[They knew this day was coming but it didn’t break their heart any less. The small town in Johto that they were from didn’t harbor enough connections for her to get out there. ]

Do you think every tiny town has a modeling school, and also that modeling school involves absolutely no networking? Assuming the school wasn’t a complete scam, it should have connections to actual modeling agents and jobs.

[When she sent in a video application to a job across the seas, she knew she would make it. ]

You’re describing this as a job that she was accepted for, but then you write about her forced to live with other contestants who sabotage each other to try to game the eliminations each week. Reality TV shows are not modeling jobs. They’re TV shows.

[The amount of sabotage and backstabbing that some of them were willing to do was insane. ]

And just to emphasize, they’re TV shows. Not actual reality. If it seems like there’s a lot of drama packed into a TV show that is being marketed on the basis of how much drama the contestants get up to, that’s because the producers wanted drama.

[ Keeping to herself she silently went to go collect her things from the closet. She didn’t want to make the call back home. She didn’t even want to accept this as reality now. A failure. That’s what she is. ]

She is literally a professional model. If you wanted this to be about her breaking into the industry, you shouldn’t have opened saying she went to school for this from there successfully landed multiple jobs already.

[She had never truly traveled much in her life. As she didn’t own any Pokémon of her own, it made it difficult to go between cities without some sort of transportation. Most of her travels included riding in a train or bus to the next city over. Occasionally she would go with her parents who could fight off any wild Pokémon. For the first time in her life, Mei wondered if she was limiting herself. She could never step onto the route and simply move forward, she would need to find a trainer to travel with or a bus to take her. She suddenly wanted to taste that freedom to choose the direction she went, nothing to stop her. ]

This also doesn’t make sense with her being in a small town. Why does her tiny town have multiple forms of transportation running constantly?

If you want her disinterest in pokemon to be a matter of never thinking much about them or needing to have anything to do with it, it would make far more sense to have her growing up in a big city in Johto, where everything she wanted was usually in walking distance within the city and where it’s also much more believable there’d be plenty of transportation options to other places.

This would also fit much better with the idea she’s had some success as a model but wants to move to have more success. She could’ve been doing well at the limited opportunities her own city provided but want to go to one of the very biggest cities where the modeling jobs are centered around.

And she doesn’t have to get eliminated from some camera-free reality TV show to go on a depression walk through tall grass. She can just find being alone in a much bigger city overwhelming, miss her family and friends, and find the higher levels of modeling to be increasingly grueling and cruel. There’s plenty of models willing to talk about how awful the job itself is rather than that their fellow models are drugging their drinks with laxatives and they’re sad when judges eliminate them at the end of a week.

[Mei nodded and went with them back to Castelia city. Her little high from earlier was over. But it lingered in her mind, that even though this experience was terrifying, it was a little thrilling too. This is what she had been missing out on and now that she got a taste, she oddly wanted more.]

This does not make any sense with someone who’s been exposed to trainer stuff since before she was old enough to talk.

If you want your character’s backstory to be about modeling, do more research about actual modeling first. Think about why she doesn’t want a pokemon rather than it just being because you want your opening to have her not be a trainer, and why she changes her mind rather than because you want to write about a trainer.

A girl from Goldenrod City whose parents aren’t interested in pokemon and just view them as annoying vermin could plausibly not have much to do with pokemon and be pushed into other things, like modeling, by her parents. Then the exposure to wild pokemon and realization that actually this does seem a little interesting would follow naturally from her being on her own for the first time and thinking about if she really wants the job her parents always encouraged her toward, rather than somehow her following her dreams in complete defiance of her parent’s wishes resulting in her suddenly doing a one-eighty and considering that pokemon are neat after all.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Anyway she’s so impressive accidentally kicking a rock into a pokemon’s head and then dodging the angered pokemon that she’s hired as a professor’s assistant to run around gathering data in the wild because clearly such natural talent.

I don’t know why people are so enamored with saying people put in tons of effort to become good at one thing, then that they abandon all of it to do better at something else than the people who put tons of effort at the other thing. And I really don’t know why they’re also allergic to doing research on topic that’s supposed to be the quirky thing setting their fic apart.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14021894/1/Pokemon-Silver-Ore-Version (0)

[This story takes place after Pokemon Colosseum, but when Pokemon Johto Journey’s starts. This will be about my OC and his party’s adventure. ]

Okay, so you see how here you said when it takes place? That was fine. Some optional information on exactly when it’s set.

Why, after this completely good author’s note, did you spend paragraph upon paragraph upon paragraph explaining the concept of Orre and the exact plot of the games? The opening of your story is supposed to be about your story.

[20 years after the events of Pokemon Colosseum:]

YOU DON’T NEED TO SAY THREE DIFFERENT WAYS THAT THIS IS TAKING PLACE AFTER POKEMON COLOSSEUM. ONE TIME. JUST SAY IT ONCE.

[After their adventuring days were over, Wes and Rui got married and decided to start a family together. But they weren’t satisfied with just ending things there. They wanted to restore what they can for the region and the Pokemon that they had captured. Together with their friend Mr. Duking, they restored select areas for wild Pokemon to live and thrive. These spots were also meant to encourage new trainers to stop by and capture the wild Pokemon there in order to get stronger and forge new bonds. This project started 5 years after they took down Cipher and there were only three Poke Spots. Twenty years later, the project has turned into a full blown ecosystem restoration program that has brought nature back to almost half of the region, which used to be covered in 85% craggy wastes and sand.]

why will this not stop.

Look, your main character’s their kid. Introduce their kid. Have the kid look around himself at the not craggy wastes and sand, talk about what he does see, and then from there, start talking about how this is because of his parents, and then get into this sort of thing.

But actually start your story first.

Write out numbers with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

At least this kind of bad writing is completely understandable, unlike most of the bad decisions I’ve seen so far.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14021988/1/Door-Stuck (0)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[One might wonder why she didn’t just flaunt and present herself to the Riolu so he could just fuck the need out of her and put a litter in her. Or at least put out her fire with a fresh load of cum, Riolu were well-known for not usually being of any compatible egg groups, though recent studies and experiments with the species have since found a way to make them field and human-like compatible. This Riolu happened to be one who could breed. So why didn’t the Delcatty just give herself to her partner?

Well, as much as both of them loved to have sex, neither of them actually wanted the burden of parenthood…

Unfortunately, as much as he wanted to clap those bouncing cheeks and as badly as she wanted that well-endowed dog dick to fuck her up to the womb and back, they both knew that breeding while User was in heat was simply out of the question. Despite all of the contraceptives and birth controls available to prevent having kids, neither of them would dare rob themselves of the raw pleasure of bareback sex. Not to mention, with the Delcatty in heat and the sexually active Riolu being drunk on the smells of a female in heat, they wouldn’t have the patience nor thinking power to use a condom or birth control or anything like that. And they damn sure wouldn’t pull out.]

So because bareback sex is better, when she actually wants to have sex the most they always never do. And this somehow has always worked despite the both of them also having virtually no self-control.

I assume you’re trying to figure out a way to have them not already fucking so you can do the whole stuck in the door thing, but this is so contrived. Why not just say they’re always careful about using condoms but this particular time they’re out of condoms so they’re both trying not to but ultimately fail?

Genuinely wondering at this point if contrived setups that don’t make sense for leading into the kink is itself the kink.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14022229/1/Escape-to-a-Far-Away-Land (2)

[The following is a betrayal Pokémon story. I have a feeling these may be a little overdone by now, but I’ve wanted to write one of these since I discovered the concept. I hope I don’t disappoint. Furthermore, I understand that this may seem similar to other betrayal stories, and I’ll confess I’ve been inspired by many and have even borrowed similar plot points.]

Overdone is not nearly a strong enough term for it, but I can understand the desire to try something out anyway, and being familiar with a variety of them and their plot points can work out well if you’ve been giving thought to how those could be used or putting your own spin on it.

[Ash Ketcham]

That you can’t spell the main character’s name in the opening line is a pretty bad sign, though.

[“Hey guys what’s going on? What’re you all doing here?” asked Ash.

Misty was the one to stand up and speak.

“Ash, we think it’s about time you gave up on this ridiculous dream of yours to become a Pokémon Master,” declared Misty.

“What?” asked Ash shocked and appalled.

“Misty what are you talking about?” asked Brock equally shocked.

“This is the 6th time you’ve competed in a Pokémon league and it’s the 6th time you’ve failed at winning,” stated Misty angrily.]

Well. This sure is a betrayal fic containing similar plot points.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Write out numbers with letters.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14022279/1/Pokemon-A-Mystical-Journey (0) (This is 400k long.)

Nonstory chapters are banned, so your list of power rankings should not be posted separately.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[The following are levels of Pokemon which help divide different Pokemon most likely on basis of racial value. They are:

1)BABY POKEMON ( POKEMON JUST BORN OR IN BABY FORM SUCH AS PICHU CAN’T EXERT MUCH ELECTRICAL POWER ON ITS BODY AND CLEFFA)

2) ROOKIE

3) ADVANCED (MOST EVOLVED FORM HAVING RACIAL VALUE BELOW 500)

4) ELITE( RACIAL VALUE ABOVE 500 AND MOST PSEUDO LEGENDARY POKEMON LIKE DRAGONITE)

5) PSEUDO- KING ( OVERLORD OF A REGION MEANING RULER OF A FOREST OR HEAD OF STRONGER POKEMON TRIBE)

6) KING (ELITE 4 MAIN POKEMON) AND MOLTRES ZAPDOS ENTEI REGIROCK THESE ARE MOSTLY BETWEEN PSEUDO KING AMD KING . HIGHER THAN PSEUDO BUT WEAKER THAN MAIN KING.

7) PSEUDO CHAMPION

8) CHAMPION ( LANCE’S DRAGONITE , CYNTHIA GARCHOMP AT ASH TIME)

9) BEAST ( LUGIA , HOHO, PRIMAL KYOGRE, ETC) ALSO RED’ S CHARLIZARD

10) DEITY LEVEL ( DIALGA PALKIA GIRATINA MEW AND MEWTWO )

11) ARCEUS]

Definitely giving me pause you felt the best term for this was “racial”.

This obsessional about base stats also seems to completely ignore, well, everything that you can do in fanfic that you couldn’t do with the existing games. If you just want the pokemon with the high numbers go play competitive with your perfect IV all L100 clones.

Also, lol at how despite that, you still had to say that somehow Arceus is special and at the tippy-top goes-to-eleven of your ranks because Christian culture demands a singular all-important godhead and canon be damned.

 

And additionally:

Play Hero Ch4

I really love the sort of mania Undyne has throughout this.

[Gladiol hesitated a moment ]

And I also like how while Undyne’s a lot more than the rest we see, she’s not divorced from how the rest of them deal with things. Everybody’s not comfortable with this, everyone’s trying to talk around it and putting on a brave face. Undyne’s questioning herself that she tried to get up and answer a cry for help, but that’s what brought the guards as well, and even planning to kill her and knowing how dangerous she could be, they also tried to help – and her leg’s splinted using her ruined jacket and the bits of bridge, so it was done right there when they found her.

[“Undyne, I am not going to thank you for risking your life and sacrificing your body when you had no reason to think that was necessary. You are very brave and strong, and I know you have it in you to be an amazing knight someday, but that’s not going to happen if you keep throwing yourself off of cliffs.”]

And not just the dramatic irony of this, but also it works really well to emphasize this isn’t a story where someone learns a lesson. It’s not setting up an AU!Undyne who won’t try to kill the next fallen kid she meets years from now and won’t throw herself off a cliff or sacrifice her body for the cause of being a hero.

Also, you did a good job of making it understandable why people would be annoyed and exasperated with Undyne while still being kind people. It’s their very kindness that makes Undyne such a trial to deal with!

[Taking a closer look, she saw that the skin there was broken but not bleeding, and the raw flesh beneath it oozed and glistened with some kind of colorless fluid. ]

There’s also a really good physicality to all this, both in how carefully it’s observed and how, ouch.

[“Whatever!” she announced to no one in particular. “I don’t need alcohol! I’ve got righteous anger!” She regripped her weapon and positioned the tip of the blade over the softest-looking target she could find – one of the human’s eyes, but she wasn’t going to think about that, she was just going to get this done quickly – then let out a wordless scream and drove the spear down with all her strength.]

[Asgore remained silent for long enough that Undyne started to get nervous, though she wasn’t sure what exactly she had to be nervous about. Eventually he said, “You were not meant to see this.”

“No, it’s okay!” Undyne made herself sit up so she could hit him with a full-force smile. “It’s just another kind of training, right? I’ve learned so much today!”]

It would be awful if someone was deliberately shoving a kid at another kid’s corpse and telling her to practice stabbing it to prove she can do it. And usually characters like this have someone pushing them into this kind of behavior, or are otherwise somehow outside of the normal way things work. Undyne acting like this despite all the adults in her life trying to stop it is a whole different kind of unsettling, and really does sell that the problem is baked into life in the Underground. They are killing kids. And they are desperate and need everyone they can get. And things are also just too cramped and small and everything bleeds together – Undyne getting into the king’s palace because there’s just a spare key hidden to the side, Asgore doing the killing at his dining table. Or even back to the fight before really, because there really weren’t enough people around to deal with Leela – Undyne chasing her isn’t a great idea, but with what little she knows about the situation it’s not the worst either. Leela’s already killed an actual Royal Guard, so they’re not a surefire solution, and there’s also just not enough of them around, and she could kill again as soon as she finds someone, and Undyne’s the only one right there.

(And with all that – of course the thing Undyne doesn’t know what to do with is Asgore crying and admitting anything’s wrong, because that’s not how it’s done. She wants to help, but she can’t even answer the emotion with emotion and hug him.)

[Undyne forgot about the blood for long enough to sit down in her chair, and didn’t regret it enough to bother standing back up. She did at least remember to push the mug out of the way before letting her face slam down on the table.

A couple minutes later she heard claws clacking against wood, followed by a shuddering gasp and a deep yet gentle voice blurting out, “Undyne? Is this another bad dream?]

Also, while this is not the story of how Undyne learned self-doubt and not to rush in, it does feel like this could’ve been the last nail in the coffin for Asgore. Killing a kid with a broken leg may already have been one of the worse murders he’d done so far, and then Undyne collapses in the same chair to hammer in that yes, that was a kid just like her.

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