NaRe2022 Day 7 (31)

Sexism, both quite subtle and unusually overt, and a variety of rulebreaking. Stories that say they’re about Ash but aren’t. Stories that say they’re about pokemon but aren’t! And pacing issues upon pacing issues.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14022609/1/PMD-Guiding-Light-Dreaming-Liminal-Catharsis (0)

[Disclaimer: The following fanfic is intended for mature audiences, as it will contain instances of graphic violence, inappropriate forms of language, graphic depictions of both sexual activities and violence, depictions of mental health conditions such as depression, addiction, and PTSD, and discussions on real world issues such as corporate greed, the problems with the judicial system, escapism, hate speech vs cancel cultures, the idea of fate, and the meaning of life.]

Then it should be labeled M and not T. Saying it’s for kids and then putting a disclaimer on it saying it’s not isn’t a solution.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14022632/1/Pokemon-Kanto-redone (1)

Script format’s banned on this site.

You need punctuation at the end of all your sentences, not just a couple.

Write out numbers with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14022671/1/The-Visitors (0)

[with professor Cosmo]

Professor. It’s his title.

[The meteorite looks like it came down near the antarctic after it passed right over us.]

Similarly, that’s a continent, and gets capitalized like you would Africa. Maybe some wiggle room if you’re talking about the broader area, but given it does smack into the physical ground of the continent, I don’t think so.

[There on the screen, outlined clearly by the flash of pale green light, was the unmistakable outline of a humanoid figure.

The room was dead silent. Molayne couldn’t help but stare in awe at living proof of an extraterrestrial. He glanced down at his cousin, a wide grin of wonder spreading across his face. “Soffy,” he started gently. “I think you just made the discovery of a lifetime.”]

So, the thing about The Thing is that in our world, humanoids that aren’t human means alien, other life popping up would be a big deal, etc.

But they live in a world full of pokemon. There’s tons of humanoid figure pokemon already, and tons of discoveries of new pokemon. Nothing in our world would be expected to walk out of a crater impact unless it was actually the survivor of a crash landing, but pokemon do things like hang out in lava. There’s no reason this couldn’t be a pokemon that was living there and startled awake by something crashing on top of it. Also, even more fundamentally, they just don’t live in a world where they’re alone in the universe. They’re already sharing their planet with intelligent life.

[ They’d sampled the organic material around the gem, finding that the cellular structure didn’t resemble anything found on earth. There were significant amounts of silicon and ammonia found during their preliminary analysis, leading some of the experts to theorize that the visitor was the first known silicon-ammonia based life form.]

There are literally entire types based on non-organic life already.

Also, the reason people go on about silicon lifeforms in scifi is that it’d be something that isn’t organic. The definition of organic is that it contains carbon in its structure. That’s why we’re carbon-based lifeforms. If they’re finding organic molecules, they’re finding carbon and it’s carbon-based just like us and some forms of pokemon.

[He turned, gesturing to the machine behind him. “Our preliminary scans seem to indicate significant amounts of activity inside the gem. This activity is not unlike that of a human brain.” He rapped his knuckles on the gem twice. “It is my theory that this gem serves as a neural centre of some sort. As well, it appears to be attempting communication of some kind.”]

Or they could use one of the many, many psychic types. Including starmie, which also has a gem that likes to pulse as a form of communication.

I really don’t get why this is a pokemon story at all. The closest pokemon get to featuring is the little girl chattering about wanting to be a trainer and saying your standard scifi robot AIs are run by rotom and porygon. And the fact it’s pokemon and we know who these creatures are also means there’s nothing actually scary about any of this. You don’t even have as much animal life as The Thing itself, where the sled dogs were a major part of the whole story! It reads like you wrote this as original fiction and then edited in the pokemon parts to justify posting it here, only the pokemon part isn’t just unimportant but actively dragging every part of the story down.

[He watched the terrible creatures do battle with Hoenn’s saviour, casting it down into the ocean with flashes of vibrant light. But the sky god was stronger than both, and burned with furious golden light. Rayquaza grew stronger, angrier. It laid waste to the frozen wasteland, carving burning furrows into the rocky land and melting great glaciers that had stood for millennia.

The Visitors fought back valiantly, conjuring shields of strange light to defend themselves. But it was for naught. The sky god was not to be defied. It cast them down, burying the shining gems in the shifting ice. There they stayed, trapped as the ice refroze around them.

Tori sat there in shock and fear even after Rayquaza announced its victory over the broken ice shelf. He didn’t move until they got back to the boat, only shuffling quietly to the waiting helicopter.

Tori gazed silently out the window at the ruined landscape as they flew away. He didn’t stir, didn’t speak even when asked a question. He was silent.]

Oh boo hoo, Tori, did your very god came down to rescue you and the rest of your planet, AGAIN, and you got it confirmed (AGAIN) that the universe personally cares about all of you? And all from something which didn’t even prove itself to be that big of a threat in the first place? Yeah, can’t imagine how you’ll cope with such horrible trauma.

If you want this to be something completely outside of anyone’s context, and also for some reason want it to involve pokemon, having the pair of deoxy land on our world would work infinitely better. Then even Rayquaza appearing would still be somewhat horrifying, because no one even knew Rayquaza existed either and certainly not that it has a long history of protecting people, so even though it all worked out it’s still an enormous blow to how everyone thought things worked.

…but even then it’s got the issue that this is just so underwhelming compared to the story you give as inspiration. It doesn’t have the twists and turns, it doesn’t do anything with the location of being a frozen wasteland far from any possible aid and instead ends with the fact you can just leave! Get in a truck and drive away no problem! And it’s got a feel-good ending that the character is just being whiny about instead of that after having their world turned upsidedown, after seeing all sorts of horrifying things and being unable to trust each other rather than just a brief glimpse of something that merely kills people outright and uses their corpses, and also after having to kill dogs with a flamethrower as they screamed, the last survivors are probably infected too and need to kill themselves and even that sacrifice will be for nothing because some of the dogs escaped.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14022931/1/Bad-Cupids (1)

[The Pokémon went back to their pokeballs, excluding Pikachu of course, who sat on the ground next to Ash, who turned to make his way back to the group when he saw Serena.

“Hey, Serena! We just finished up!” He said, sighing from exhaustion.]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[“What do you mean?” James questioned.]

[“But how did you get… we were in the balloon!” James questioned.]

[“Huh?” Meowth and James questioned, coming closer to the cake.]

“Questioned” is used like “the police questioned the suspect”. It generally means asking a serious, thoughtful question.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14023383/1/Aura-of-Despair (0)

[“You look like shit,” Cynthia shook her head.]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Write out numbers with letters.

You seems to have grammar rules pretty well down, but you’ve got some typos.

[can feel aura]

You capitalize it every other time.

[but mew wasn’t done.]

Similarly.

[ really cool Pokemon!”]

And in the other direction, you rightly don’t capitalize every other time but do here.

[Aura gaurdians ]

Misspelled.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14023453/1/Let-s-Go-Jason-Reader-x-Pokemon-Sword (0)

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[“Hey! Jason! You finally made it!” Hop said to me as I jogged to him. He scratched the back of his short, navy haired head as you reached him. “You were taking forever!”

“Hehe, sorry Hop. I was trying to hurry but Mother was making me put on sunscreen…” I said to him, slightly scratching my neck. He looked at my hand and put his hands on his hips.

“Jason.” He said, and I looked at him. “You’re doing it again. You have to stop that, you’re going to hurt yourself if you’re not careful.”]

While the second half of this exchange works fine, it’s weird coming right on the heels of Hop scratching his head.

Also, [as you reached him] did you change the story from second person to first and miss this?

[“Eh? Hop? What are you doing here?” I asked your friend.]

Similarly.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Also, your second chapter appears to be a repeat of the first.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14023685/1/Another-Region-For-Ketchum (2)

You shouldn’t need a key for people to follow your dialogue.

[“Professor, Are there any Regions that don’t have a League? I really need a break.” Ash asked, laying his head on the desk in front of him.]

Don’t capitalize random words.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14023743/1/Kira-s-Pokemon-Adventure-3-Birthdays-Battles-and-Beginnings (0)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

This is absurdly slow paced. It’s five thousand words to get from waking up to being told the party guests are about to arrive. It’s possible to make slice of life stuff work, but it’s really hard and requires more than just saying your character did this, and then this, and then this, and then this, and then this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14023820/1/A-Memorable-Birthday (4)

[Brock was walking toward the psychic at a resonable pace. The others noticed it and the gossip start again “what if she was waiting for Brock?”]

Spellcheck, “reasonable”, and proofread, “started”

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

I’d really suggest looking for a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14023945/1/Silence-Is-The-Best-Form-Of-Confession

[“What are doing?”]

Seems like it’s missing “you”.

[Then Moon’s hand accidentally brushed Gladion’s. Blushing, Moon moved her hand away. A second later, it was touching Gladion’s again.

She looked down. He wasn’t doing that on purpose was he?

And then, as Moon watched, he slowly curled his fingers around hers, holding them lightly. She looked at his face. In the dim moonlight, she could just see his cheeks turn red.

What—this—he’s touching me—stop—I can’t want this—

Moon retracted her hand from his, but it somehow found hers again, this time holding it properly. Moon tried to tug away from him, but failed.

Sighing angrily, or trying to sound something like that, she let it be, but scowled at him before turning back to the sky.]

This is a really bizarre sequence, especially for what seems like it’s supposed to be a fluffy shipfic.

It already seems like a stretch that Gladion would respond to someone pulling away/rejecting him by moving his hand to brush hers again. But not only does he keep going, he responds to her trying to remove her hand by holding it, then when she pulls her hand away and firmly, unambiguously rejects it, he grabs and holds on so tightly that she can’t tug loose. As if all that wasn’t bad enough, when Moon then stops rejecting him, you describe him as [riddled with shock and, just like Moon, heavy confusion. He looked down at the hand on his hip, and then back at Moon, as though expecting her to pull away] which comes off as if he was completely certain she didn’t want this and actually felt more comfortable forcing it on her against her will than her deciding she likes it after all.

The bit about “I can’t want this” meanwhile, is disturbing in its own way. There’s nothing particularly transgressive about a boy holding a girl’s hand, so this comes off as Moon having some sort of purity cult damage where she doesn’t even know what sex is beyond that it’s evil and has something to do with being around boys, but you seem to be treating her being reduced to incoherent panic over the idea she likes someone holding her hand like it’s normal. The fact she also goes from this to letting Gladion stick his tongue in his mouth just makes it worse – she has no concept of boundaries because she’s decided even the mildest thing is terrifying which means anything else can’t be worse.

Speaking of purity cults, this is a really interesting example that illustrates the problem isn’t the literal events taking place but a matter of amplifying a bad underlying worldview, but also, that we’re much better off letting people write this and then having a dialogue about the fact not everyone in the world shares this worldview.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14023974/1/End-of-the-year-madness (0)

Capitalize your title properly.

[“BRRRRR” The boy shivered as he threw the bag into the bin “Arceus it’s cold.”]

This continues to not be a thing and it’s especially so when it’s an established character like Ash who you’ve seen never say this or anything even like it.

[“No” He plainly replayed as he took bite of his apple.

“Oh right you weren’t here” she sweat dropped, “Anyway every year I round up some of my friend”]

It’s “replied”. “Sweatdropped” is a sight gag from visual media like manga and anime, of which your text story is neither.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14024135/1/Remorse-And-Regard (0)

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’ve got a bunch of “..” when you mean to have “…”

[We spent the rest of the day talking and hanging out. We even got Ethan to ask out Kris, what a dope. Could’ve easily confessed himself, hah. Well, I also confessed to Lyra. She said she liked me back. I never thought I could love someone as much as I love her. She’s very special to me.]

Ending on a summary of events is extremely unsatisfying writing. If you don’t think you’re up to writing the confession, you could’ve just ended on her saying she wanted to hang out and say he realized she likes him back from that.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14024244/1/Aspiration (3)

[The Indigo League was the joint Pokemon League between the Kanto and Johto regions. The League had established control over the Indigo territories, consisting of Kanto, Johto, and the Orange Archipelago, for centuries. The Sevii Islands located south-east of the Kanto mainland were included in the Indigo territory though they were still considered an independent nation.]

If the exact political situation of the land is going to be relevant to your story, it should be given more time and attention than an infodump of an opening paragraph. If it’s not important at all, it also shouldn’t be your opening paragraph.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[Requirements existed that had to be met before someone could be a licensed Pokemon Trainer. After all, the League couldn’t just let anyone go into a world full of creatures capable of mass destruction, let alone train them, without being prepared.

To be licensed as a pokemon trainer, a person was required to pass a Trainer Licensing Exam, commonly referred to as a TLE. However, to many people’s chagrin, they must first have graduated from a League sponsored school or academy to be eligible to take the exam. After the batch of qualified students graduated from an approved academy, they could apply to take their TLEs. They would then be assigned a testing time and date at the nearest testing facility, which was usually a Ranger’s Station or Pokemon Gym but happened to be Oak’s lab for the graduates in Pallet Town. To be a pokemon trainer in the eyes of the League they then simply needed to pass the exam.

It sounded fairly easy, yet the exam was anything but.]

We are told over and over that even to walk down the road outside of town requires a pokemon. It is enshrined in the very opening of the original games. The massive infrastructure that allows pokemon trainers also only works if there’s an equally massive number of people using it. If you say it’s ridiculously hard to qualify to just get a pokemon, the entire setting breaks, and the idea it’s hard also flies in the face of saying that it’s about practical, important skills like being able to start a fire. If kids are struggling for years straight with concepts like making a fire, something is hideously wrong with how these classes are being taught. Plus, if you actually wanted to teach them practical things giving them their starter then so they could get supervised practice with the pokemon they’d be traveling with would be the way to do it. That’d also deal with the with the part where no matter how high level Ash’s test scores are, the pokemon themselves are the ones actually doing the battles so a L5 baby starter is still a L5 baby starter. Right now, this all comes off like pokemon are perfectly fungible stat blobs and I could just be playing the game for that.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14024257/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Mystery-Dungeon-Guardians-of-Balance (1)

[And so… it begins.

Come with me, if you will ‘Observer’. For you are about to enter a new world. One of many. It’s a peaceful world, where individuals of many different species come together… to work together… for the betterment of all.

Now… I imagine… we should start with a quick personality quiz?

Something chuckles in the darkness…

I’m joking.]

Oh jesus, you got me with that one.

Between this and the voice laying out that the world’s been through a lot and is going to be more damaged and distrustful than you’d assume, you do a good job of dodging the cliches of the opening, but after that point it goes back to somewhat predictable with the character being an amnesiac human who slowly works out that they’re a pokemon now. If you want to spend time getting into that, maybe something like that their memory is so messed up they don’t actually know what a human looks like, so things like fur and the wrong number of fingers don’t tip them off until they get a good look and only know they’re in the wrong body because they do recognize a scorbunny. Similarly, maybe do something with their impulse to be to drink and splash water on their face with how they’re a fire type now where they don’t have the memory of how it should be, but they’re pretty sure the way it feels now is wrong. Right now it seems to be just the standard dramatic irony of waiting for them to catch up with what the reader already knows.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14024281/1/PMD-The-Lotus-Lovers (0)

[…its was a stormy night..]

Just “it”.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Beach Cave

“So…what do we do, in these Mystery Dungeons…?” Jason asked as he and Munch we’re walking through a passway..

“oh not much…just sorta, going through it…tho inside, there wild Pokemon that started to get out of hand lately” Munch said as the two headed downstairs

Floor 2

“What been going on lately?” Jason asked.

“There been lots of earthquakes, and lots of Pokemon just sorta been turning..bad..” Munch said as the two went down pair of stairs where they encounter…and Easley defeated a few Pokemon..

Floor 3

“Oh, Your good at using your moves for a first timer!” Munch said as, Jason Force Palm K’O another Pokemon…

“Huh, its quite easy actually..sorta feels like breathing but, everytime i exhale, a move comes out… being a Pokemon is pretty…no really cool…” Jason mummbled before the two left to the next floor

Floor 4]

This is really clunky.

If what floor they’re on matters, you can write our the transition in narration – “headed downstairs to Floor 2”, for example. It doesn’t seem it does, though, because they’re just talking about the place as a whole. In that case, there’s no point in breaking this up to being at particular floors. All that matters is that they entered a place and when they’re nearing the end.

Also, spellcheck.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14024296/1/A-Day-in-the-Life-of-a-Hex-Maniac (0)

[The poor NPCs of Pokémon tend to be ignored by most players and trainers. A Hex Maniac, aside from their often cuter appearance, tend to be such trainers. ]

This is a little like writing a story about underused emoji and picking the poor eggplant emoji to focus on.

[Most would not believe it, but… Its hard being a single trainer class. The look, the appearance, and the general behavior isn’t… But the choice in Pokémon is.]

I do like the idea of people identifying as a particular trainer class as part of a fashion-subculture thing, and the tension of being really into most aspects of it but having one part they’re not but have to do to fit. But. You really don’t do anything with it? She seems to like her gastly perfectly fine even if she’s not great at handling it, and also you picked a trainer class that covers two types both of which are quite powerful and quite popular and have had multiple gym leaders and elite four members (and gastly in particular is a powerful pokemon line well represented both in-game and in the competitive meta) so the motivation of wanting to be a strong trainer to prove those pokemon can be strong falls very flat.

Someone who liked the fashion but was only keeping a pokemon and battling because it’s what you do or liked the pokemon and felt obligated to put on the outfit to fit in with her fellow ghost-trainer peers would be more interesting, as would an actually ignored trainer class and/or one tied to actually ignored and looked down on pokemon.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is possessive.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14024581/1/Pokemon-NSFW-Short-Stories (0)

[So, this story is based on a fantastic animation by Clade, link is right below. I loved it so much that I decided to make a story out of it.

Nothing to it but to get to it, enjoy!

/posts/3082384]

Always double-check your fic document before posting. FFN strips out links. If you want to post a link, you need to break it into pieces.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Write out numbers with letters.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14024711/1/Taking-the-Next-Step (0)

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[It’s a low-profile diamond, 14k White Gold Diamond, with smaller round cut diamonds embedded within the ring, going as halfway through the band. The band itself is Rose-Gold, however it’s a subtle hue that still shows its magnificence. ]

I’m pretty sure that those words don’t mean what you think they do. “14k White Gold Diamond” means a piece of jewelry that is 14k gold, the gold is white in color, and also there is a diamond set in it.

[She twists the small paper tag on the ring. 265,000¥.]

Okay, I’m not sure if the problem here is how much you think a yen is or that you’ve really underestimated how expensive engagement rings are. A quick and easy conversion between yen and dollars is to lop off the last two digits and you get 2,650, so this would be a little less than that. That’s not actually a lot of money for an engagement ring, let alone by a national celebrity for another national celebrity, and it’s definitely not something a person who sells diamond jewelry for a living would be considering a particularly high price. It’s maybe a third of what’s paid for the average engagement ring.

Now, it’s wholly plausible a given person isn’t into paying huge amounts of money just because an international cartel is manipulating the price of one particular gemstone, or hasn’t bought in to that same cartel promoting the idea an engagement ring should be three month’s salary, but such a person does not walk into a specialized jewelry store to get a personalized recommendation for the absolute perfect ring and his over-invested friend who dragged him there should be completely aware that this is well within his budget and just egging him on to this terrible decision.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14024857/1/Camp-for-the-Night (1)

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“Can you believe you’ve got seven gym badges now? My dad’s never gonna believe someone from Johto of all places could be so successful in the Hoenn gym challenge,” she snickered.

I raised my eyebrows. “Hey, you helped. I’m sure he’ll have an easier time believing an idiot like me could beat those gym leaders with his favorite lab assistant backseat battling the whole time.”]

Eh… So, it’s clear May’s supposed to be skilled here and that Brendan respects her, but it sure sounds like her role’s been limited to helping him succeed rather than also fighting those gyms herself – and if she has also been, it’s weird the conversation skips over what it’d mean for both of them to get a full set and head on to the League and just focuses on what Brendan will do when he accomplishes that.

This works pretty well as a breather moment for them that’s got plenty of references to what’s been going on to get here to place it for the reader, but just as it’s taking place in the canon sequence of events and the knowledge of what’s to come is looming in a good way, the canon standard of boys battle and girls get sidelined is also looming, much less pleasantly.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14024914/1/Boredom-stuff (1, by author)

Capitalize your title properly.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14024916/1/The-Aura-of-Oblivia (0)

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You need punctuation at the end of all your sentences, not just some of them.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14024925/1/Journal-of-a-Nuzlocker-Crystal (0)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Yeah, Pokémon training and battling is a dangerous business. Only insane people or stupid kids do it. I don’t think I would do it; Pokémon are too cute and too precious for me to see dead but I can’t deny the thrill of it. Watching the Kanto Pokémon league was one of the best experiences of my life. Seeing Red beat, the Elite 4 and his childhood rival Blue Oak in the Pokémon League held after the Kanto Johto War was one of the best nights of my life. I really wouldn’t mind seeing myself up there on the stage.

But until my mum gives me the go ahead or a Pokémon falls on my lap you’re never going to see Crystal Bark’s name on the Pokémon League Hall of Fame and that’s a crying shame.]

This is contradictory. You can’t have a character say both “I don’t want to do this and I think anyone who does it is an idiot” and “the only thing stopping me from sprinting out the door to do it right now is that I can’t, and this is a huge shame”.

[I thought rather than just go through these nuzlockes and post em on reddit, why not make a story out of it? So here we are. This story will be posted infrequently. There is no plan, no overarching plot, just a fun writing exercise for myself.]

Yeah, you’ll find out why not pretty soon. If you want to tell a story using a nuzlocke setup, it’s wiser to look at the original that got this all started. It was engaging as the story of the actual person playing the game and worked well enough when it was about the tension of someone under a self-imposed challenge. Trying to make it work in-universe is taking all the existing pitfalls with OT fic and game playthrough fic and adding in a whole mess of extra ones.

I don’t expect you to stop, just that the problems you’re going to run into from here on are problems baked into this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14025082/1/Nebby-and-You (1)

This chapter reads less like it’s Moon needing time to put her thoughts in order as necessary setup for the next step of the story and more like it’s you working out where you want this to end up going. You’re opening this well before your story properly starts.

If you want the Alola part to matter, you need a lot more bite here, not stuff like Moon kind of sort of feeling like she should stay only to be reassured it’s no big deal. Similarly, more tension on the Lillie thing if that’s supposed to be the plot here, like either being fully aware of her feelings this whole time but not wanting to admit them to Lillie because she thinks it’s unrequited, or being totally in denial and finally not able to take how much she misses Lillie and deciding she has to go for something minor that she’s insisting is a big deal. Having her just ponder what her feelings are like she’s just not sure she’s got a crush but will be fine with whatever answer she comes to just doesn’t have much drama to it.

And regardless, this definitely needed to start much further in, probably as far in as Moon finding Lillie but if not, at least with her having left. If it’s very important to you that all the logistics of a champion leaving their post are dealt with, that’s something Moon could explain later when it comes up, especially since Lillie is probably going to want to know how things were in Alola and showing us everything followed by telling another character that same thing later is redundant.

[“You forget that you have a rival here who just happens to be wanting to take that title from you.” Kukui reminds her.]

Also. Just saying. I have literally never ran into a story where the solution was that the boy’s rival had surpassed him and would now take the championship, and it’s really coming off as sketchy that the solution here is that luckily, Hau’s finished growing into the better trainer.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14025103/1/To-The-Victor-Goes-The-Spoils (0)

Well, not my thing but I appreciate that unlike most of these I’ve seen so far this month, you’ve done things properly – you described what kind of content was here accurately at the start and then in your story itself, one thing led to another smoothly. It’s nice to see someone just set up a porn situation competently and then follow through on it rather than trip over their dick into a plothole.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

This one doesn’t contain any reference to it being a request or commission, which may have a lot to do with it. I think people trying to write someone else’s kinks, or likes in general, are more prone to throwing a hodgepodge of popular elements that may not make sense together.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14025109/1/Whitney-s-Redemption (0)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[Whitney, whose reputation maybe be the reason why the Goldenrod gym is so infamous, sits in wait for any trainers to come here way looking for a battle to win the Plain Badge. Despite her team only consisting of just a Clefairy and a Miltank, she stands strong sending most challengers straight to the Pokémon Center.

For an unusually long period, no trainer has come close to defeating her Miltank and for this to happen, Whitney’s ego soared and her reputation among other trainers got worse. Many of them sick of her attitude refused to rechallenge her and went on to earn the other badges in Johto.

As for Whitney, she didn’t much care as she was able to brag about her “Top Tier” Miltank that was nearly unbeatable. Even as the board members of the “Johto Pokémon Gym Association” told her she needed to slow herself down a bit as she was too “cocky” and too “aggressive” for early league trainers.]

This is a really, really strange way to put “Whitney was demonstrably a skilled trainer, which is also literally her job.” Do you talk about that stuck up Brock, thinking he’s hot shit just because his onix is so tough? And Bugsy, how that little fucker not only said he never loses with his awesome bug pokemon, but bragged about how he was also such a genius and knew so much?

[“I prepared for this gym battle in such a way as I wanted to force you to use different tactics. Because as you can see my Skarmory is unaffected by your Miltank’s Attract. The reason is that my Skarmory is female. In fact, my entire team is as well.” The trainer said.]

[“I agree, let’s turn things up a little. Go Hitmontop!” the other trainer said calling out his next Pokémon.]

The entire hitmon line is male.

God, this fic is gross. It’s fine to be an actual smug prick if you’ve got a prick even if you couldn’t actually battle your way out of a paper bag, but a woman daring to think she’s good at this just because she is means she’s awful and needs to be put in her place by your smug prick self-insert.

There’s also how it keeps talking about how the battle’s awful and an ordeal and she just wants it over, but also she shamefully ends admitting to him she enjoyed it and now she’ll be a better trainer who won’t be so unseemly and aggressive, so yeah, this is the PG version of a corrective sexual assault.

(And just – the layers of assumption in the idea everyone normally has all male pokemon teams and even people trying to counter Whitney can only bring themselves to use a single female one.)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14025187/1/APOTHEOSIS (0)

So, I know italicizing foreign words is standard, but I do think it’d work better to just treat them as words. Kids call their mothers various things and it feels odd and othering to treat something like Maman in particular as needing italics. It’s Kalos, so I figure the point is to emphasize the whole place is French, but things like [he asks her, “Ma petite fille. What did you do this time?”] sounds to me like it’s actually by someone who largely speaks English but has kept some endearments from his own parent’s language (which with the similar othering feel, like his daughter doesn’t quite hear it as just sounds conveying meaning but a stock phrase) which then gives me the sense it’s set anywhere but Kalos and her dad was an immigrant.

[Grace sits up and looks at the pokemon. A pancham? That’s what it is? She shrugs and answers honestly, “I don’t know. I was walking home from school and it started to follow me.” She raises her hand in front of her face proudly. “But we held hands when we crossed the street just like Maman told us to!”]

Anyway as to the rest of it, it’s adorable. I like that the objection to a kid bringing home a pokemon is that there’s already pokemon in the house, rather than a parent disliking the core premise of the universe that we’re all here reading fic for, as well as the effort put into a name – it successfully made it come off actually trying to find what he wanted her to call him. And the issue of what’s up with her mother makes for a good mystery – there’s so many things you might want to keep from a five year old that it allows for a nice range of possibilities.

[“But I already know everything! Like in math, the teacher’s teaching about exponents and I already read ahead to, ‘Introduction of the Binomial Theorem’ at the end of the textbook and it’s so easy!”]

Not really a fan of super precocious kids, though, especially when they’re precocious at everything rather than just their main interest. If the point’s just that she’s really smart, being able to do division already would be really smart at age five. And when your starting point is a five year old complaining self-taught high school math is too easy there’s not really much room to keep going as she grows up, or at least not much room that’s going to be comprehensible to most people. (Plus, it’s really odd with the fact she says she’s most interested in pokemon in particular but doesn’t know what a pancham is, when reading picturebooks to learn about the local critters seems a lot easier than reading a math textbook and it’s not like there’s an impossibly huge number of Kalos pokemon to memorize.)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14025194/1/Pokemon-GO-An-Alien-Frontier (0)

[“Fuck’s sake, we’re grown men, Tony,” one sighed. He sported black stubble and wild hair. “Who the hell believes in ghost stories anymore?”

“With all the… Pokemon… around now, well, anything is possible,” Tony replied. “Cody, you got everything you need?”

“Yeah, I got this,” Cody said. He held up his shotgun. “Remington 870, fully loaded. Any ‘mon that comes near us will be splattered.”

Tony hefted his makeshift spear. “Aight. My spear’s in working order. Glock’s got one full clip. Water blaster’s full, with two exta containers of water. You got that hatchet of yours, Cody?”

“Mhm. Why the hell are we going into this place anyway?” he asked. He clutched a Molotov cocktail in his left hand, with a nineteen-eleven strapped to his leg. “Fucking going into a Mystery Dungeon? These things are dangerous.”

Tony gave his head-mounted camera a tap. “Trust me, this will be fun. You won’t be laughing when I get all the views on YouTube!”

“I’m just a journalist, okay?” Cody said, checking his shotgun. “Doing this shit live would give me some first-hand experience for my next scoop. Besides, it’s not like anyone’s gonna stop us.”]

This conversation seems to have gotten lost. First Cody objects because this is silly for grown men who should know better than to believe there’s anything there, then Cody objects because of the opposite reason that this is extremely real and dangerous, then Cody argues to nobody that no actually this is a great idea and important for his grown man profession.

Similarly:

[“Hold on. Let me see.” Koro fired a stream of crescent-shaped blades from her wings which hit the Gastly, exploding on impact. The Pokemon howled in rage and agony as it disappeared.

“Fuck! Good job, Koro, you alerted the whole damn place with that trick! C’mon, let’s go! Keep your lights on and screw stealth – the things in there love the dark!” Cody racked his shotgun as he charged forward, a very confused Koro and Tony following him. “I can see a side room, duck into it and we’ve talk about it later!”

In the side room, Cody turned to Koro. “The hell were you thinking, pulling that stunt?”

“I heard you firing your weapons the entire way through the dungeon before meeting you. Frankly, I am amazed nothing came to investigate.”

“Oh. So your attacks are much quieter than a shotgun blast. Got it,” Tony replied]

Who is this conversation for? Why are people who brought multiple guns thinking silence is important, and why does pointing out they’ve been firing guns, a fact they already knew, come off as a revelation to them?

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14025360/1/Guardian (21)

Really think this would’ve been stronger if you committed to doing your own thing. AU world where the social system is totally different and Ash is a different age with different experiences and furthermore Oak isn’t there? Why say it’s about Ash? All trying to tie it to specific bits of canon does at this point is confuse things about what parts are still the same. Either this has huge plot holes that you didn’t address, or there’s a lot more to how things work than you got into because you were skating along saying it’s more or less the canon location instead of explaining things in full.

[“Consider it an early birthday present!” she winked back at him. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[Flashback]

Don’t label flashbacks. It should be clear from the narration.

[taking on the Arbok.]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[So, which city tops the research for the safest city in the country? Having the lowest Crime Rate and witnessing an unbelievable 86 days stretch with zero crimes, for the 1st time, it’s Viridian City!

Ash threw down the paper as a snort of derision escaped him. More League propaganda. No crimes? Drive to keep the citizens safe? He snorted again. He knew exactly how “safe” the citizens were. Trying to put the article out of his mind, he took a bottle of water out and took a large chug of water. Glancing at his reflection in the glass at the window, Ash walked towards it to take a look at himself.]

Unless Ash is hanging out in Viridian, which it sounds like he’s not, the fact Pallet, a place without a gym leader, is a terrified hellhole does not in any way mean Viridian, which has a powerful gym leader, can’t have a low crime rate, and I also don’t think it’s reasonable he can then explain authoritatively that everywhere else sucks – where exactly did he get the time to travel and form his own opinions, or what other, unbiased sources of information does he have access to in an impoverished town that couldn’t even get a message out that they were controlled by a gang? All he should be able to know is that the official stuff says everything’s fine everywhere and his life in particular sucks. Moreover, your summary is that Ash thinks being a gym leader for his town is a solution, which means he buys into the League propaganda that the problem is their not having one powerful individual to protect them, even if he’s still resentful it’s necessary.

If you want him ranting that the government is failing them, it’d make way more sense for the article to not be focusing on exceptional individuals and claiming things are just fine. That’d lead in well to him talking about how his town was attacked and nobody even noticed for ages, and he could go from there to saying when the League did show up they didn’t record it properly because the real numbers would make them look bad, and even then, he should be looking at places like Viridian and the others with gym leaders with envy to explain why that’s his goal.

Which goes to the next point, it is super weird that he’s apparently been thinking of absolutely no goals until his mom hands him a tablet with lessons and suddenly he realizes the gym leader thing is exactly precisely and mind-numbingly obviously a way of dealing with the situation they’re in. Having him working during this time to get money to afford a proper starter of the type he wanted would’ve been a much better integrated way to bring up that the town’s economy now mostly runs on barter, rather than him just saying it over and over while moving delicious fruit around and not having anything he particularly wanted to buy.

[“Yes,” Ash replied with a smile. He didn’t elaborate further as he thought about his new dream. There would be plenty of time to discuss it with his mother as he fantasized about his new dream. He now had a goal to work towards. He now knew what he wanted to be in a few years.]

Just – seriously, why are you ending on him realizing that’s a thing and saying now it’s time to hurry up and wait more years? You could’ve ended on saying the gift was that the rest of the town had scraped together enough extra money for him to get a pokemon. With the type restriction and the way you’ve going for him being somewhere with very limited resources, it’d also have made far more sense to spread out getting his team over as long as possible rather than have him already fourteen and just now thinking he should get started on getting a pokemon team together.

[While his starter and second pokémon are decided, any suggestions for good steel-type pokémon would be welcome. Please note that I am going for a relatively normal Ash, so no Metagross or Ultra Beasts or Legendary pokémon.]

It’s a good idea to avoid those, but really, why are you asking at all? There’s very few steel-types and of those, a good chunk are the legendary/overused ones, and you also seem to be trying to think about how someone could actually get them, so primarily ones found in Kanto, and then there’s the issue of if you, having decided you want to write a story focused on this type, also want to avoid pokemon that only pick up the typing upon evolution, like scizor. And I mean, if you say steel-type and only say no metagross, pretty obviously the even more popular and way more overused pokemon is lucario. And then there’s the issue that whatever Ash’s final team is it’s got to be as balanced as possible and no one can give good suggestions on that front when you say a third of his team is already decided but not what pokemon they are. With that many restrictions and how they’re woven into actually writing your story, you really shouldn’t be asking for people to pick but considering every available pokemon.

Looking at the second chapter the answer is he’s getting a meltan.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14025532/1/Typechange-Johto (0)

[but with any luck the ability to alter their types would be an edge for them as they take on the Johto League.]

Really. With some *luck* a straightforward advantage no one else has might just possibly be helpful somewhat.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

This all really seems like it’s not so much a sequel so much as a chapter set in the middle of an ongoing story. A character going shopping to buy stuff for her pokemon is something that could work as a breather between events, but you need to have already gotten good momentum going and you need to have clearly telegraphed what’s happening next that the preparation’s for, but it makes for an awful first chapter. I don’t find any of the type stuff hard to follow, I just have no investment whatsoever in any of the characters because I don’t already know them and you chose the dullest possible way to introduce them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14025533/1/And-finally-the-truth-comes-to-light-Part-1 (0)

Don’t post chapters as individual stories.

Capitalize your title properly.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14025607/1/Third-Shift (0)

[“You guys were issued Pokemon, after all.”]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“They make the best miso in Hoenn,” he grinned, “You’re going to love it.”

“Archie…” He said, a bit more pathetically than he would have liked. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

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