Even worse capitalization sins than usual, the continuing adventures of isekai, Arceus, and some actually good stuff.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14029347/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Heroes-of-Light (0)

[Expect some grammarian faults because English is not my maternal language.]

I’ve seen worse from native speakers but yeah, you’ve got some problems here. I’d really recommend a beta reader to go over things.

Write out numbers with letters.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14029499/1/The-Discovery (1)

[Although, to be fair, the Pokèdex did say that it was capable of hauling continents with ropes, so I guess it makes sense why such a superstrong, super powerful Pokèmon would have a slow start to its attacks,]

Uh, no, neither of those facts have anything to do with each other. The only way it makes sense is if he’s aware he’s in a videogame and is thinking that it’s a good game design to try to explain the fluff without unbalancing the game by saying the pokemon will have high stats but get a terrible ability so it’s worthless in battle.

[All the same, it wasn’t anything Anubis, his Lucario and his son that had evolved from the Riolu that had hatched out of the egg that Riley had given to him, couldn’t handle,]

What.

Look, if your sentence is getting that long from trying to cram extra context in there, ask yourself if it’s actually necessary information, and if you’re really sure it is, consider that if it’s that important maybe you should properly explain it separately instead of thrown into the middle of something else.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[finding himself to have stumbled upon what appeared to be a tomb of some kind, with a large stone marker, two stone caskets, and what looked like a pair of very old notebooks, a set of what Lucas could only assume were a set of prototype Pokèballs, and a small chest of some kind.]

So you keep saying notebooks over and over, but it seems really unlikely that just seeing something more or less book shaped in a dark hole would be definitely a notebook in particular. Really, all of it’s questionable – part of what’s interesting about uncovering things is taking a minute or two to actually figure out what they are. Stone caskets are just going to look like stones, maybe with lids when you get closer, and unless they have a really obvious coffin shape (and that’s usually only identifiable from above) or you get close enough to see coffin-style decorative reliefs on them, they could have anything in them. Early pokeballs are probably the most easily identified, and even then, it’s just more interesting to have them actually described and take Lucas at least a moment to realize that’s he’s seeing. You’re skipping over showing the discovery and investigation in favor of Lucas instantly telling people the conclusion. There’s no time to get excited or wonder about what these things are.

[A Few Hours Later…]

Don’t do scene breaks like this. Just work it into the narration.

[Cynthia bent down and opened the chest, her jaw dropping as she picked up the flute held within. “By Arceus…]

Cynthia was the one spearheading the discovery that there even was a story about some pokemon that she eventually discovered ancient people called Arceus. It’s not a name she personally reaches for reflexively, or something you should be treating like omnipresent Christianity generally.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14029659/1/PMD-Life-of-Kuzo (2)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Some are sentient, others feral. And some… blur the line between the two. ]

Okay, so, “sentient” is derived from the Latin word for feeling something. If you poke something and it reacts to the poke, it qualifies as sentient. The only reason it sounds like something rare and special is because philosophers spent the next several hundred years after the term’s invention claiming things like dogs don’t feel pain because humans would feel bad if they weren’t super ultra special. Sapience is generally the word we use for something that’s self-aware – that knows and knows it knows. There’s a growing body of evidence that self-awareness is actually pretty common too, but at least this is closer to what you’re presumably going for, which is that they’re smart enough to do fancy stuff like learn and then speak a language. But you might be better served with something more along the lines of feral vs civilized – the capacity to speak the same language as the pokemon that live in villages and towns, even if so far it’s just been a single word, is definitely blurring the line between the two.

If you’d like to feel special about being a human, consider that as far as we know, we’re the only species that insists obvious things can’t be true about other life because it’s so important we feel special! That said, would not be surprised if other animals do that.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14029679/1/The-Rings-of-Fate (1)

[It was a normal day in Kalos. Serena Gabena was on a stroll through Vaniville Town until… She found a young boy, laying in the bushes, unconscious.

“Oh my Arceus!”

When the boy came to, he was lying on a couch in someone’s home, a woman with icy blue eyes and brown hair sporting a yellow clip was watching over him.

“Oh! Oh, thank Arceus you recovered. You’re so lucky my daughter found you.”]

Christianity is not actually the only way human societies work and you do not, in fact, need everyone to be a rabid Christian but with poke-Jesus instead. Many people just do not care about any god and we have mountains of canon evidence that the pokeworld is full of such people.

[“Huh.” Grace said, sounding wholly unconvinced, staring at Jack with an analyzing look.]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Write out numbers with letters.

[Character Profile: Jack Fall, an average looking 17 year old boy with mid-length brown hair and eyes wearing semi-rimless glasses, a hoodie with a t-shirt underneath and sweatpants, hailing from the US, transported to the Kalos region through mysterious means.]

Okay, so this sort of thing is a thing in visual media, where freezing the image to throw up some text infodumps sometimes makes sense. You are already writing an entirely text-based story. Just write down what he looks like in the narration.

[Think Jack, think! There are only 2 ways I could’ve gotten here. Hoopa. Or Ultra Wormholes.]

Don’t be stupid, Jack, obviously it was Truck-kun.

[“They… aren’t with me. My parents sent me here from Unova to go on a journey. Strange as it is, as I would rather have gone on an adventure through my home region…” He told Grace, pondering how nice it would’ve been to be in Unova instead.]

He could absolutely just go to Unova, you realize that right? He’s fallen into one location on a connected world, not the wrong cartridge.

[“Oh really?” A girl’s voice asked sarcastically as she crossed her arms and gave him a look. “If you came here on a journey… Then what were you doing passed out in the Route 1 bushes?”]

“If you came here to travel this area, then how could I possibly have found you in the middle of this area? Checkmate!!!” This is absurd and only more absurd by the fact you already had him shouting about how shocked he is pokemon are real and also he’s a godawful liar so they don’t need holes in his story, they can just go off the part where he obviously sounds like he’s lying about every last thing he’s told them.

[She looked just as she did in the games. She gave him a bored look as she scanned him with her gray eyes. She had that familiar long honey blonde hair and a red felt hat with pink sunglasses sitting on top of her head. A pink tote bag on her right shoulder. Black high tops with pink accents and black over-the-knee socks. She wore that same high-waisted black outfit, complete with a red skirt. Having come down from her room and into the living room after eavesdropping, secretly worried about the boy she found.

Character Profile: Serena Gabena, an 18 year old Kalosian girl ]

What the hell do you think eighteen year old girls look like if she looks exactly like her game version?

I guess at least you’re not being weird about making sure the love interest has to be younger than the guy, but seriously, a character visibly way smaller than the definitely adult sprites is a kid. If you want her to be eighteen here do not say she’s a dead ringer for her sprite, and you’ve committed to describing everything she’s wearing and what her hair looks like anyway so you don’t need the shortcut of saying it either.

Actually, you know what’d be hilarious? An isekai’d protagonist being the one going oh my Arceus at everything. It’s not even like someone being weirdly intense about the Greek gods or something, since at least the concept of those is common knowledge, or even some really specific branch of Wicca because you could at least google the stuff they’re saying and find some reference to whatever pantheon. It’s just nonsense. Until they cross paths with one of the handful of people who do know who Arceus is which would be something like a person casually quoting something only found in one of the Dead Sea scrolls that you only finished reconstructing last week. They’re going to end up in Cynthia’s basement, is my point, but not because she’s decided to be their waifu.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14030187/1/Ash-Ketchum-like-no-one-ever-was (0)

Capitalize your title properly.

Write out numbers with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14030290/1/Jamais-Vu (0)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Okay, so the idea of starting off with a pokemon seeing it is neat, but it’s really weird to pick wimpod in particular as the viewpoint character but also insist on having the viewpoint character stick around to observe the whole thing. You even point out it’s [the turn tail Pokemon] and keep saying it notices thing after thing is wrong, yet the pokemon with both an ability and a catching minigame based around how it nopes out as soon as it’s the slightest bit nervous somehow stays in position the whole time. If it’s important to get the whole thing out, just pick a different pokemon. Or, given you’re describing a thing that’s a big plot point in the game that your readers don’t actually need to see the whole of, take advantage of the wimpod’s willingness to scurry away and cut the scene off partway through. You really don’t need to both say that three come through the hole right at the start when Looker’s going to find all three of them shortly.

[100kr. Or, more conveniently, Looker.]

Also, you go on to keep having his partner call him 100ker and if that’s supposed to indicate his partner’s actually saying One-Zero-Zero-K-R each time, great, but actually write it out in that case to make it clear you aren’t just l33tspelling the same word while if it’s getting pronounced Looker, then yeah, it should get written the way it’s actually being spelled and not 100kr.

Similarly, since the Looker/100kr means it’s unclear if the numbers are actual numbers, if he’s calling his partner 000, what exactly is he saying? Literally Zero-Zero-Zero, or Triple Zero, or Ooooooooo?

[The man took in a few breaths before he responded. “There was… some loud noise. I, uh, had been asleep,” he gave a sheepish chuckle as he scratched the back of his head, “and it woke me up. Then I heard some splashes. Got a bit curious and saw these two,” the man motioned to two people behind them, both rather soaked, “and swam over to help them get to shore. How… how’d they get there?”]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

So this is anime Ash falls into gameworld. Not entirely sure how meaningful a change that’d be, but at least it’s a different idea to try.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14030482/1/Pikachu-The-Tornado (0)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Use punctuation at the end of all of your sentences, not just a couple.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14030623/1/Pokemon-Brothel (4)

Nonstory chapters, like smut, are banned on this site. Archive of Our Own has no issue with either of those things and a commenting system that’s much friendlier to getting prompts from people, so you should really consider using that site instead.

On no fanfic site should you post a chapter update that’s just informing people you have not written fanfic yet.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14030780/1/Happy-Life (0)

Write out numbers with letters.

[but his great grandchild, yes you read correctly Great Grandchild, ]

You have got to stop with the random capitalization. You should only be capitalizing proper nouns – individual names of people, places, or things, and any titles that go with them.

You’ve also got numerous other grammar errors throughout this. I’d really recommend a beta reader.

[The only time he lost pokemon in a battle was when he was fighting his son for the title of world champion. He lost 5 pokemon in that battle but was able to win because of his Pidgeot; she was always his ace in his battles for the matches of world championship battles. Although he still won, the world gladly accepted his son as the champion because no one before him was even able to defeat one of his pokemon and the battle was fair and square too you would have been able to tell because was the ferocity and brutality of the battle. 376 people from the stadium were mentally traumatized because of the brutal techniques they used.]

I am not sure what you’re trying to do here but if just seeing what Ash and his son made their pokemon do to each other traumatized spectators, they’re unspeakably evil people. Possibly you were trying to make a point about how powerful all the pokemon were, but that’s not at all what brutal means.

[“I hurt my knee.” She said while tears pouring out of her eyes.]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14030821/1/On-the-Way-to-Greatness (0)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[ the cannon from the Pokemon anime. ]

Canon. Cannon is the thing that shoots the cannonballs.

[Now! It will be not an issekaid story, at least not in its most cliched way.]

1. Isekai.

2. That is a genre. It either is or isn’t. What you’re saying here is like saying your story isn’t fantasy because it’s not going to be garbage. It insults everyone else and shows such a poor understanding of what you’re writing that it suggests it absolutely will be.

3. You literally open with your character waking up after dying in a heroic sacrifice to a random environmental hazard. The fact it’s a giant boulder instead of a truck doesn’t make it less cliché since that is, in fact, the most cliché random dramatic hazard imaginable. You instead get bonus cliché points for how in the hell did kids in LA have a giant boulder falling on them.

[AFTER SOME TIME]

Please don’t do these sorts of scene breaks. Just work it in naturally into the main narration.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[Now, about my background, I will have to come up with a believable story. One that doesn’t involve me coming from some different dimension and something. ]

This is also an isekai cliché. Even more damningly, it is a particularly common in pokemon isekais.

[I told her that I come from a faraway region which doesn’t have any Pokemon, as to how some new people with Pokemons invaded our peaceful land killed everyone, as to how a nice Pokemon teleported me away from the scene trying to save me for what I reason I don’t know.]

Okay, so there’s no full pokeverse map because it’s designed to have new installments slapped on to sell games indefinitely, but the people actually living in an actual world do not have their geography function that way. Someone who fell into our world saying they came from “look it’s very far away from here” where “dragons are real but we don’t have plants” which “just got genocided by an unstoppable invasion force” is not going to be told that’s very sad and no one has any further questions.

[ I will also be receiving a monthly stipend of some 10,000 Pokedollars bimonthly. At first, I thought it was very less, but after shopping a little I saw that prices are quite low here. Well at least Civilian goods like food and clothes and other things. Trainer items are quite pricey here.]

A pokeball is cheaper than a can of soda or a malasada. You could buy three pokeballs with the amount it costs to buy a bottle of milk. “Pokedollars” are yen. 10,000 is about a hundred bucks.

Also, you can’t be receiving a monthly amount twice a month. Pick one.

[Ash would be having his Journey as shown in the cannon, I will not change the fact. He will also meet the same legendaries he did and would have the same adventures just like the cannon. My OC would just run into Ash along the way, and maybe help him certain situations. I will try to keep the two plotlines separate.]

You’re saying you want your character to meet Ash over and over, but also that nothing about Ash’s journey is going to change as a result. Your character might help Ash handle a situation, but it’s a situation he would’ve been able to handle by himself however he did in canon, and the additional help won’t have any impact further along either. So what exactly is the character adding to the story? What does it matter if he’s here at all? If you have something you want to do with the character in the story, focus on actually doing that. Either commit to having your character hang out with Ash and stuff changing as a result, or have him do his own things instead of popping in to spectate at Ash before leaving again.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14030865/1/Starfall (1)

Oh, it’s this! Sneaking in a fic on the final day of my review-everybody month, huh? But this won’t slow me down because I already…reviewed…aw, fuck. I didn’t.

WELL THEN.

I feel like there’s a bunch of stuff that confused me when I first read that aren’t this time, and I’m now confused about if this has been edited at some point between then and now or if I was just really out of it.

Alu is tremendously charming. On my original pass I thought there was some truth to it – that saying he was here for the criminal Kabiyo worked because she’d gotten into trouble and was hiding out, while he’d been staying on the right side of the law, and maybe he’s trying to sneak her away ahead of the real sheriff. But it’s really just down to one’s a withdrawn scraggly bird and one’s a majestic and shining lion-wolf who enjoys acting like he’s friends with his marks.. He’s the one who’s enjoying the chance to burn up part of the orchid for kicks.

[They passed leisurely through the trees, stopping at intervals to snack on the riper fruits.

“My compensation,” the honchkrow said as she swallowed an apple down her gullet in a single gulp. The arcanine shot her a sideways look at the remark, eyes dark and shaded, but he didn’t share his thought.]

It’s not that she’s taking stuff – both of them are, and he’s judging her for giving a reason beyond wanting it.

[“I miss it. My people were once as gods to the plain-dwellers. They left us tribute and counted themselves blessed if our passage burned their homes to ash. The freedom of that time! To run, to truly run, without a care for these ridiculous cultivated fields. To get your due without lowering yourself to the whims of petty merchants and their endless trading.”]

He’s nostalgic for a time he doesn’t know, isn’t he? Because he wants her to tell the story of being a god, and he thinks the arcanine phantasm must be his ancestor for being so much greater and bolder. He plans to run and be worshiped as he never was before.

I suppose his view of things could be partly just wrong about what the good old days were like, but, [“The only gods that live are those that serve.”] perhaps the reason she’s the only link we meet (and that Alu’s found at all, I suspect) to those times is ones like his ancestors were as selfish as he describes and that’s why she’s still here and they’re not.

[The shape was brown and red and gray, and the brown was like a strong and watchful mountain; the red like gentle fire on a frozen morning; the gray like a rolling cloud.]

Mountain in particular makes me wonder if she had some impact on the new entei. Or is this just how entei is supposed to be if nothing goes wrong, given the idea true gods shouldn’t be malicious?

Miku at the end seems like a sweetie, and I’m hoping things go better with this new partner than the last one!

Also

[ Kabiyo examined the lucario’s foreheads, where the red dye was still vivid. New initiates and inexperienced, she decided.]

[The lucario froze. In unison, they clasped their paws to their hearts and bowed in the three directions, and lastly towards the sky.

“The Lord of Earthly Fire,” one whispered, when the gesture was complete.]

Just so, so curious about all this. For all the story’s about people not worshiping gods, what religion there in the present seems to be taken extremely seriously. Was this a pre-existing religion that’s just the only one left or is it replacing the old stuff? And I’m curious where lucario fit into the dynamic of the older gods too – were they always more into the sky gods and we’re seeing a pair of them here because this is more a lucario religion than it is others or because they’re two kids who joined up together? And what is the starfall to them – is what the xatu said the ultra secret mystery lore at the center of this, or is this a combination of thinking it’s disrespectful to mess with a god’s corpse and the implications that people use what they can get from one to cause trouble? (…and what are they getting from it? A canon thing or just general god stuff? I’m not up on my PMD lore.)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14030876/1/Passing-the-time-with-Iscan (0)

Capitalize your title properly.

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[“H-how uh…” he swallowed hard the saliva rising in his throat “How old did you say you were again?”

Akari giggled, the action shaking her body pleasantly, “I’m 19 old man]

It really comes off as way more sketchy that a stranger saying the right number is all that matters to divide sex into completely wrong and totally fine. This is a bunch of pwp porn, which means her behavior is not going to match up to any halfway mentally healthy nineteen year old who can give real consent, which means trying to say that no no really it’s fine all that ever matters is that she’s technically of legal age is creating a problem where there didn’t need to be one given, and I cannot overemphasize this, it’s pwp. If he cares about making sure he’s getting informed consent here, he should really be saying more than a handful of words to this person inexplicably throwing herself at him instead of oral sex while she’s mid-sentence because the magic number was said. If you just want to write the porn, he should just go for it as soon as she says she wants to fuck and not bring up the issue that there’s more to it only to say the only more to it is it’s always fine to if they (claim without evidence they) are nineteen.

Especially when literally her next line is her withdrawing consent but you don’t notice because you’re just repeating a different porn trope.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14031061/1/Deceptive-Obsession-A-Love-Letter-to-Madness (0)

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is possessive.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14031079/1/Pokemon-The-End-Series (0)

“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is possessive.

[Pikachu thus died a week after it’s trainer, so Giovanni didn’t have to deal with it anymore.

On the day of the murder:]

Okay, so that means Pikachu in this universe is still alive and going to pine to death over the next seven days, which in turn makes alt-Ash look awful for not caring enough to do anything about that.

Really seems more straightforward to just say Pikachu fought to the death or something.

[team Magma]

Both words are part of their name so both words are capitalized.

[Ash and May looked at each other with unsure look and tried the best they could to explain things to the cashier.]

I mean, it’s nice of them to care to explain, but it seems like explaining that he’s another universe’s Ash here as part of a giant counter-plot to stop a massive criminal organization that spans universes is maybe something you want to keep secret as long as possible?

[Alola has three main females]

Please don’t refer to girls like this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14031236/1/turing-incomplete (1)

Oh, very creepy.

[its six cells of grey matter]

[The part of its hindbrain that responded to stress was replaced with the cranial interface for the weaponry on its back. With that six ounces of organic matter it lost the ability to produce adrenaline, anticipation, and fear.]

The number repeating tripped me up. “Wait, if it’s only got six, then doesn’t that mean its whole brain got replaced here?

[If it was smart it would tell her it is a pokémon. That’s what she wants: to modify a pokémon just enough that she can call it changed, but not enough that the changes would make her uncomfortable. One that speaks to her, and chooses to tell her what she wants to hear. This is what bound the creations in Dr. Solya’s books: the ability to be reminiscent of human life, but never deign to think itself as real as its makers.]

I’m not sure if the point is she’s created something more and is now trying to hobble it back down – that regular pokemon do reside within these boundaries and Mewtwo really is different in personality as a result from all the extra stuff they threw in, or if she’s just wrong about what pokemon are, or if the key is in [that speaks to her, and chooses to tell her what she wants to hear.] where some pokemon being disobedient beyond the parameters she’s setting here she can accept but not having that tied to the ability to communicate that decision in words and assert it so strongly.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14031273/1/There-is-More-to-Life-Than-Team-Rocket (1)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Jessie and those other two baffons]

Buffoon. Spellcheck.

[“Just stay in Sinnoh for now. I’ll get in contact with you soon,” The pair could hear the sound of shuffling papers at the other end of the phone and the professor’s voice became more distant.]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14031353/1/The-Refreshing-Trio-Alola-Idols (0)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

This seems very self-aware of magical girl tropes, but not particularly putting any twist on them. Just these people are magical girls, those pokemon are the designated enemy providing the fight for each episode, these other pokemon are the cute mascots.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14031458/1/The-Journey (0)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[All people are encouraged to unite with Pokémon and live happily. But some people disagree. They want Pokémon to be their slaves, to serve them, to bow to their will. These people set their sights on some Pokémon which were unattainable, the legendary Pokémon.]

So, what, it’s fine except when it’s legendaries? They all have pokemon. If how they want to treat pokemon is wrong, shouldn’t it already be wrong?

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14031511/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-New-Stars (0)

[The lights were broken with rubbles on the floor and bits of fire were my only light source.]

Your sentences are a jumble and it’s really hard to tell what you’re trying to say. I’d really recommend finding a beta reader to help.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is possessive.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14031531/1/Catching-Pokemon-in-Another-world-with-my-Arc-Phone (1)

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Write out numbers with letters.

[*sigh*]

Don’t do this. You’re writing prose.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14031593/1/My-adventures-as-a-Pokemon-trainer (0)

Upload an actual story.

This is the second thing they’ve uploaded with a handful of garbage text.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14031599/1/The-tale-of-Hikari-Prologue (0)

Capitalize your title properly.

You should not be posting a prologue separately from the rest of your story.

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

[-{Hikari’s POV}-]

Don’t jump between third and first person. Pick one and stick to it.

[and you’re hand to hand combat ]

“Your” is possessive, “you’re” means “you are”.

[“go wash you’re hands, dinner will be almost served” my grandma returns to the kitchen and I go to the bathroom to wash my hand… (or paws… oh forget it, you know what I mean)]

Generally, try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14031787/1/Scrapbook (0)

[ You might think you know how this goes]

Huh. Gotta admit, I’m not at all sure I know how this goes.

[Maggie looks away and sighs. The offer of being here – being so close to some of the most talented and exotic pokémon Azalea had to offer – is running thin. Yeah, the two minutes where she gets to move a wooden frame painted to look like Lugia around to see Raikou thunderbolting the heavens? Those are great! But beyond that… Sparky is always a grouchy diva except when performing. The mimikyu brought in for costume design was always busy and certainly didn’t have any business to do with a lowly stagehand like her. And unlike Raikou, the pokémon that plays Suicune is just a boring vaporeon.]

I like that Maggie’s got more nuance to her than just generally hating her surroundings. It gives it a lot more depth and flavor, plus just – much more interesting to be reading about somewhere neat that’s keeping Maggie at arm’s length from the neatness than somewhere actually boring.

[Maggie touches its ear and it pulls at her wrist with tiny paws. Did it want treats or pets? She rubs its ears gently, the fur like thin velvet pulled over cartilage, and yelps as her fingers cramp up. The pichu snickers as Maggie’s hand falls away.]

So, cute interaction that turns out to be meanspirited, and then the little guy’s trainer lures away Maggie in what seems like it could be the same dynamic or could just be a sign that they’re generally going to be making themselves trouble for everyone around and Maggie’s at risk of getting in over her head. Or this could be just the thing to get Maggie out into the exciting world, but…

[“Pichu!” A girl cries, giggles filling her voice. The evil little bastard runs over to her]

Dialogue is “Hello!” she said, not “Hello!” She said.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14031462/1/krookodile-tears

And finally twenty thousand words of something that isn’t a disaster I can stop reading a couple paragraphs in! I need to sleep so you’ll get your comment tomorrow.