NaReWriMo Day 7

Isekai. An Alola run of the games with an adult character where that doesn’t change anything and people still say the same lines.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13796553/1/This-story-will-just-Dragon

Write out numbers with letters.

I’m not sure it really accomplishes anything to spend quite a few paragraphs on the main character flailing in agony and confusion. If this wasn’t an isekai, then I could see there being suspense and investment there, but it’s pretty established in the isekai formula that the main character will soon be fine and able to take stock of their situation, so you might as well just start off with them taking stock of their situation.

[I blue-screened.

No, literally, my hair was suddenly blue.]

Except blue-screened does not mean “somewhere, there was something blue”. Forcing things that have barely anything to do with each other into a pun is precisely why people hate puns so much.

[As I scanned them both I quickly came to realise one was clearly the more affirmed individual or at least I hoped that was accurate otherwise this was going to get confusing quickly.]

This is word salad. You should really get a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13796723/1/Thank-Mew

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. That also applies words like “mom” and “dad” – if they’re being used as a person’s name, they’re capitalized, if they’re not, they’re not.

According to their profile, this person teaches fourth grade.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13796744/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Powers-Awakened

Write out numbers with letters.

[“Very well…Serenity seems appropriate,” she giggled.]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

I’m not sure of this chapter. It does give me a sense of his character, which is more than I can say for a lot of the real world openings I’ve seen, but it doesn’t actually seem to be actually relevant for the upcoming story beyond undercutting suspense. You’ve established heaven is real and that it doesn’t have unreasonable standards, which means dying is no big deal, and the choice she offers doesn’t suggest that it’s supposed to be a risky situation that might lead to not qualifying for heaven the second time around. Nor is there any suggestion he’s needed for this – it seems to be a straightforward reward, where he gets to be in a power fantasy world where he’s needed, rather than that there’s a world beyond him that’s in danger regardless of what he decides. So, from how this is presented, his victory seems assured and even if there was a chance he could screw up whatever heroic thing he’s meant to do, it’s difficult to care because with the focus all on him and his feelings, so there’s no sense anyone else there will be any more real than those videogame people in his first life.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13796793/1/A-Mid-Sinnoh-Night-s-Dream

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. That also applies words like “mom” and “dad” – if they’re being used as a person’s name, they’re capitalized, if they’re not, they’re not.

[We landed on the coast of Jubilife. Decent looking city, from the sky, at least. There’s a pretty open ocean around there. Most international flights can land on water and land, which is good.

Because Sinnoh doesn’t seem to have any airports.]

Uh. I can buy Sinnoh being less built-up than Unova, but it has a bunch of industry and tourist attractions, and plenty of large cities, plus those mountains get in the way if you’re not traveling by air.

Also, Jubilife isn’t on the coast. Veilstone, Pastoria, Canalave, Snowpoint, Sunnyshore, and the Fight Arena are, with Canalave, Sunnyshore, and the Fight Arena being specifically called port cities.

[“…” She looked at me weirdly, her gray eyes screwed up in confusion. I sighed.

“Okay, my name’s actually-” I lowered my voice and leaned in. She’s even cuter up close… Is that a blush? Must be the cold. “Hilbert. Please don’t tell anyone.” She giggled.

“Aw, but why? That’s a cute name.” I covertly hid my own reddening cheeks by squatting down to Golett.

“Okay, Tyr, come introduce yourself.”]

Okay, so the rule of new speaker means a new paragraph is better put as new subject matter means a new paragraph. Narration that’s about the speaker generally goes with it, narration not about the speaker generally doesn’t. That helps keep it clear who’s actually speaking. This should look more like:

[“…” She looked at me weirdly, her gray eyes screwed up in confusion.

I sighed. “Okay, my name’s actually-” I lowered my voice and leaned in. She’s even cuter up close… Is that a blush? Must be the cold. “Hilbert. Please don’t tell anyone.”

She giggled. “Aw, but why? That’s a cute name.”

I covertly hid my own reddening cheeks by squatting down to Golett. “Okay, Tyr, come introduce yourself.”]

[“No, not really, but that’s what gives it the charm, right?” He asked rhetorically.]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13796919/1/Azure-prologue-outline

Nonstory chapters are banned, and this really isn’t a good place to be posting your ideas. You’d be better off with Reddit, a forum, or some other place designed around discussion – even Ao3, while rule-breaking there too, has threaded comments so you could talk back and forth until it gets deleted.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. That also applies words like “mom” and “dad” – if they’re being used as a person’s name, they’re capitalized, if they’re not, they’re not.

Write out numbers with letters.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13796953/1/Umbreon-Chronicles-Shadows-Veil

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Write out numbers with letters.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13797369/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Second-Chance

[I’m not sure why I’m doing something as pointless as writing this down. Hell, I’m not even sure how I got this notebook.]

You really shouldn’t create plot holes just for the sake of sounding vague and spookier. Your character should be pretty clear on how they got a basic item – they presumably encountered it, then picked it up, and also a pencil or something to write with.

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

[Absolutely do not trust anyone, you are always better off on your own.

Well… I would say that, but I do have… someone that I trusted.]

Then why are they saying it? I understand what you’re trying to do here, but this is incredibly clumsy. For one thing, if you’re going to walk back this kind of a statement, you don’t want to be saying “absolutely” and “always”. Just saying you can’t trust anyone would make it easier to move on to saying there’s one exception.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. That also applies words like “mom” and “dad” – if they’re being used as a person’s name, they’re capitalized, if they’re not, they’re not.

[ And besides, they were probably already dead; it’s hard to get any permanent source of heat here. The only burnable things out here are the very items you need to use constantly, berries, apples, seeds, etc, and even then, they don’t burn for long.]

And the notebook. When you bring this up, it raises the question of why they don’t burn that. One answer could be that they’re talking about other pokemon there and that as a flareon they don’t rely much on burning other things. You could explain why they don’t try to rescue the other pokemon as going back to their opening statement that you can’t trust or work together with anyone, and so they felt freeing the pokemon would just get them backstabbed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13797398/1/Pokemon-Sun-A-Ranger-s-Trials

Write out numbers with letters.

[ At 20 years old, she was five foot eight and weighing in at 150 pounds with an athletic build.]

Unless you’re using “athletic build” to mean “not fat” as opposed to “actually muscled from all the athletic things she does” that seems decidedly on the skinny end. If you just want to say she’s athletic, it’s better to say that and not try to give the weight to the pound.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. That also applies words like “mom” and “dad” – if they’re being used as a person’s name, they’re capitalized, if they’re not, they’re not.

[“You also said you had a Skarmory as your partner Pokemon, right?”

Aubrey nodded. “I do, but I felt like if I wanted to do the Island Challenge here, using him would be cheating.]

This is reasonable given, more than any other region, it’s designed to be a speed bump for kids. However, it also means there’s no stakes to any of this – they’re just screwing around on vacation. But the games always have a split plot where there’s the personal gym challenge and also criminals running around enacting some evil plan, and it looks really bad if you’re tapped to stop an evil plan and decide that you’re having more fun doing your own personal challenge of not using your strongest pokemon. That’s something players do because none of this is real and nothing actually matters.

[And lastly, I am going to be taking some creative liberties with the overall plot structure, so don’t roast me too much]

I’d say the problem is you’re not taking enough.

The thing is, the original time we play the game, the events and dialogue are a brand-new story. They serve the purpose of introducing people we don’t already know, showing a world we also don’t already know, and bringing up questions and mysteries we don’t already know the answers to.

If you’re telling your own story, you either need to have different things happen instead (for example, instead of trying to add in another character and of dialogue about ultra beasts to the existing scenes, replace the existing dialogue with it) or else have the same events mean something else – an adult professional, rather than a kid, should really be picking up on a lot more of what’s going on around her. For example, actually noticing all the red flags around Lillie. I mean, [He was seriously impressed by Lillie’s calmness and resolution in her words.]? She’s a mess. It’s not impossible for an adult character to miss that, but like I said about mysteries we already have the answer to, there’s no real suspense to it. Why add in two new characters if you’ve made sure they won’t actually do anything new and are instead going to stick tight to the rails?

[“You said you were originally from Hoenn, right? What’s it like over there?”

“Beachy keen, full of contests, rich lore about titanic Legendaries, space races, crazy psychopathic dragon-loving girls… you know. Typical stuff.” Jake wryly stated. Rowlet seemed to chuckle at his owner’s sense of humor. Aubrey cracked a smirk at that.

“Man, sounds like a party town,” She mused. “Though…I have to wonder about that last thing. Are we talking dragon-loving as in worship, or…what exactly?”

“Apparently she was like ‘ahhhhh, meteor is coming to kill us all. Ya’ll dum dumbs. Get Rayquaza on the line. Oh wait, only I can do that so I’ll use it as an excuse to be a criminal.'” Jake exaggerated this with jazz hands and impressive expressions and poses. “She was like a Caller or Summoner or something too. I think her name was Zinnia?”

“Rayquaza, huh? Certainly sounds reckless to try and get a legendary to do your bidding…but I guess it smashed that meteor, given how you’re still kickin’,” Aubrey mused. Her Popplio couldn’t help but clap his flippers together to give Jake props.

“Well I’m fairly certain given the pattern someone might eventually try the same thing here in Alola. I hope it wouldn’t be one of those Ultra Beasts they are trying to control… ugh…” Jake shivered at the thought. “But yeah, it all worked out though Zinnia skillfully evaded jail time for her crimes and went back home somewhere.”

Aubrey rolled her eyes at that last bit. “I’m almost afraid to ask but uh…what crimes exactly did she pull?”

“Arson, breaking and entering, destroying property of Mossdeep’s Space Station, sabotage, blackmail, threatening people…” The ranger paused at the laundry list of criminal offenses Jake listed.

“…Yeah, if Van or I were there, she’d have been sent off either to prison or a therapist. No offense to her, since I don’t know her deal but…wow.” She shook her head.

“Whatever, must be great to be a princess or shaman or whatever title she was. She came from a long lineage.” Jake sighed. “Still, it just means that there shouldn’t ever be anyone like her again at least.”]

Uh, did you miss the part where she did that to stop Steven’s plan, which was to kill pokemon for the power to open a portal into an alternate Hoenn so the meteor could kill the entire region and possibly the entire planet?

How is the only person who didn’t think it was cool to genocide alternate realities the psychopath in this situation and instead moved heaven and earth to make sure no one had to die?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13797518/1/The-App

I continue to be aggressively disinterested in the human characters doing nebulous holiday romance things.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13797525/1/Sibilarities

And again!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13797866/1/Victory-Lies-Before-You

[In Kanto, the people see their leaders as hurdles to overcome, a step towards being the greatest.

In Galar, their leaders are what they see themselves as in the future, role models for future trainers.

In Johto, their leaders are divine in the eyes of their people, servants of the sky gods.

In Alola, the people look to their leaders for guidance, acting as conduits for their four guardians.

In Kalos, the people distance themselves from their leaders, those lofty heavenly kings and the empress they serve.

In Hoenn, their leaders command nothing but respect, the only bulwark supporting a region threatening to explode.

In Unova, the people criticize their leaders, acknowledging their faults and tempering pride.

But in Sinnoh? They fear their leaders.]

I see what you’re trying to get at here, but I don’t think there’s enough distinction between all the regions for it to work. Kanto is pretty secular and practical, yeah – but Johto’s gods are only tenuously linked to a single gym leader, and he’s into Suicine and not the birds. Kalos has a movie star be the champion. I really don’t recall much criticism or acknowledging flaws in Unova, especially considering their gym leaders openly treat it as a side gig to their main interest.

I think this might work better if you didn’t tie it to regions and just listed off a bunch of different ways regions can view their gym leaders.

[“Send him to Hoenn.” Liza blinked.

“You want to… send your charizard to Hoenn.”

“Yup.”

“From Johto.”

“Yes.”

“When it’s even farther?”

“Uh huh. I’ll find another way to go to Hoenn.” Liza blinked again, before sighing and nodding wearily.

“I’ll let him know.”

“Great, thanks!” yelled Ash, dashing out of the lab. Liza snorted at the abrupt entry before ending the call.

“Charla! Tell that boyfriend of yours to go to Hoenn!”]

Okay, so it’s best to keep a speaker’s actions/thoughts/other narrative stuff in the same paragraph as their dialogue. Otherwise, even when there’s only two speakers it’s easy to get confused about which one’s saying what, especially when you also don’t use many speech tags. So in this case…

[“Send him to Hoenn.”

Liza blinked. “You want to… send your charizard to Hoenn.”

“Yup.”

“From Johto.”

“Yes.”

“When it’s even farther?”

“Uh huh. I’ll find another way to go to Hoenn.”

Liza blinked again, before sighing and nodding wearily. “I’ll let him know.”

“Great, thanks!” yelled Ash, dashing out of the lab.

Liza snorted at the abrupt entry before ending the call. “Charla! Tell that boyfriend of yours to go to Hoenn!”]

would be a lot easier to follow.

[Ash glanced at his pokedex nervously. There was only a couple minutes left before he’d have to go, and he was banking on reuniting with Pidgeot to fly him over.]

This is just really, really awkward. Like yeah, technically that’s a flying pokemon Ash could use, and yeah, it has been a long-dangling plot thread. But it’s just such a cheap thing – you even say there’s only minutes left, so there’s not going to be any meaning to this. It’s just remembering he has a tool he accidentally dropped somewhere and going to get it now that he needs it. Really would’ve made more sense for Ash to ride along on Oak’s charizard, or borrow one of Oak’s many, many other pokemon he keeps. Conversely, if you’re doing this because you really want to get Pidgeot involved, I think it’d have made more sense to say that Ash has been remembering to visit her, they’re on good terms, but they’ve both felt it’s best she stay there. In that case there could still be tension about if she left – they’ve kind of grown apart – or if she might not be willing to leave to help Ash, but without the part where Ash has been ignoring her for years straight only to show up because he needs a favor.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13797984/1/Pokemon-Challenge

This isn’t a challenge, it’s a commission. Write it yourself or pay someone to do it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13798040/1/Crap-I-reincarnated-as-a-pokemon

Capitalize your title properly.

[I’m all cramped up in here. I need to get out! I stretch out my arm and the walls break. There’s light outside. These walls aren’t so tough. I kick out my feet and walls break below too. This is easy.]

It probably shouldn’t be. There’s a lot of videos of baby animals hatching out of eggs and they really struggle. It doesn’t seem hard, but as you say, he’s all cramped in there – that is, this is the first time his arm has ever stretched out. Think about how hard you’d kick if it was the first time you’ve ever even extended your leg.

(…also, if you kick your way out early, uh, you die. There’s this whole thing going on where there’s blood vessels all around the egg shell. That’s how the baby gets oxygen. Kicking that apart means you bleed out. You have to absorb all that blood before tearing through the membrane.)

Furthermore, an egg that can be easily broken out of is an egg that will be broken early by the baby twisting around instead of protecting it as long as is needed.

[ as I sit back on my cream-colored poofy tail,]

Nope! The inside of an egg is wet, and as you said, it’s also cramped. “Cramped” and “lots of space to fluff air into your fur” don’t go together. Poofy is not something you get in confined, wet circumstances.

Write out numbers with letters.

Okay, so I like that instead of opening with his mundane life you opened with him a rockruff and then jumped back…but it’s still really dragging, and it being made of cliches really doesn’t help. Of course he’s a gamer. Of course he’s college age. Of course he’s depressed.

Think about what you’re trying to communicate with the time you spend. You spend the most time on Magic, so maybe instead of him having a grab-bag of interests, commit to him being really into Magic. Instead of him having to get a new deck and giving a general overview of the process of trying to throw one together, if he had his personal carefully crafted deck he could talk about his favorite cards and the specific strategies he used, which would tell more about him as a person and be more interesting than just that it’s a Blue-White deck and how that works broadly.

Because here’s the thing – I don’t know Magic or want to play it. I know enough to follow along, but just name dropping it for a couple paragraphs isn’t interesting to me. But someone who’s really into Magic digging deep into card interactions or gushing about their favorite card? That can be a lot of fun to read about. And it would say more about his personality than just the deck’s colors/general use does.

If you’ve written almost the entire chapter in first person, don’t jump into third for the last couple paragraphs.

[ That tree is amazing! If I had arms I’d want to climb it.

He ran to the lowest branch and jumped onto it. The bark felt rough and prickly, but it wasn’t too bad. He galloped up it and proceeded to the top. I can climb just fine. He went higher and higher until he found a nest.]

How is he doing this? You don’t even mention he’s digging claws in, or has any trouble keeping his balance. He’s just gone from a human body to a dog’s, and also that dog hatched a minute ago. If you just want him to get into a conflict with a pokemon defending their own babies, there’s plenty of that on the ground.

And that’s it for Jan 18th!

One Comment

  1. GijinkaVerse Writer says:
    Listing all the regions is so awkward, like there are somehow exactly 8 places in the world that matter in most contexts. Maybe it’s a way to acknowledge Gen 8 happened without actually writing about Galar.

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