Pokeween Reviews 2021

Actually had an obligatory review, then did the Supernatural as well as Horror subsections because both were pretty quick.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13968631/1/Red-Eyes-A-Cursed-Child

Part of the Chapter Review Exchange.

[This story is not for those easily offended. It features schizophrenia as depicted by both personal experience and research, as well as a lot of other nasty and taboo things.]

“Offended” is kind of a loaded word bordering on dogwhistle at this point. I’d really suggest something like “This story will have upsetting content” over “offended”. People can not want to read something even if they don’t object to it, while “offensive” can cover a range of things that does include elements it’s reasonable to push back against. Ie, someone might consider rape offensive categorically, and that person should just not read, but someone might also consider rape being handled really, really badly offensive and that’s what they’re objecting to.

It’d also be more useful to give more of a detailed warning. Nasty and taboo is, well, there’s things someone would consider taboo that I wouldn’t blink an eye at myself, and things someone else wouldn’t think anything of that I would. Gore, blasphemy, cruelty, sex, drugs? All this tells me is it’s something you consider serious, but I don’t know what that is.

On the schizophrenia front, it might be better to just say mental illness. That avoids any debate about exactly the right way to depict schizophrenia, or questions about which parts are schizophrenia and which aren’t.

[The view of the sunset was pristine from the cliff’s edge. Honey came from the sun in waves and coated the blue of the sky. The heavens seemed to be a candied treat for a child. Sweetness stretched from horizon to horizon, and the Mother ensured there was enough for each of her children to enjoy. It was a pity such divine beauty would be wasted over Orre. But, unfortunately, too many of her people believed in superstitious nonsense and were afraid to look near the sun, for fear it would be black. A black sun means you’re dead.]

This really seems like too much. For one thing, the description is leaning really heavily into a personal feel while at the same time you don’t have any actual narrator on screen yet, and it seems like you’re losing track of quite what you’re saying – first it’s a treat for /a child/, then every single child and in the more metaphorical god’s children sense. I really think this would be stronger just cut down to [The heavens were like (or even just /were/) a candied treat.] I also don’t think “pristine” makes sense as a descriptor. As opposed to muddied, or…?

And like I said, the other thing is there’s no one here yet, and having someone really helps make the description matter, and doubly so when this feels like it’s someone’s specific feelings on the sunset. “His view of the sunset…” seems like it’d work better, and that might help get into why he’s calling it pristine or what other word would fit what why he’s there and what he wants out of the sunset.

Also, the black sun thing just seems really weird. You can’t look near the sun because it’s really bright, and that’s also why you don’t need to check up to see if it’s turned black – it’s going to be hard to miss! And if the sun goes dark yeah, everyone would be dead, so it’s weird this seems to be treating the entire thing as a superstition. I’m also not clear why Orre, in the sun-blasted desert, would be the ones most worried about the sun going out rather than people in colder and darker places.

Now, you mentioned you want practice for writing original fic, so, not sure how much this matters but this also really does not seem to have much to do with Orre or Phenac City or any of it. The place you’re talking about has a lot of original elements – I like that we’ve got a more personified religion that she’s just the Mother, and I like that it’s tied to the sun when there’s plenty of sun goddesses and I’m tired of people saying that religion always goes sun god and moon goddess, but then that gets back into why they’re also worried about a black sun and how this connects up.

[There were stones placed by the ancients with colorful pictures made of hundreds of tiny stones, carved by the hands of masters and placed in a way that made many wonder if magic had been at work. They were seamless; not so much as a hint of wind found its way through the stones. They were almost as pristine as they must have been when they were first made. No one could be sure though. The stories claimed Phenac had been standing longer than men had walked the earth. But those were just stories. It didn’t matter, though; there was strength, security, and comfort in those old walls. They’d done their duty to the letter and protected their people since the first men came.]

This doesn’t feel like there’s a central idea to the paragraph but more like it’s jumping from one thought to the next so by the time it gets to the end it’s lost track of the beginning. Okay, so:

1. “The ancients” made these walls somehow. And they have pictures, but there’s no detail of what those pictures are or interest in using what the pictures depict to tell anything about the people who made them.
2. They’re almost untouched by time, except no one has any idea what they looked like originally (in which case how could you say “almost” either? maybe they’re exactly the same!) and “pristine” is showing up again when that covers more than just being seamless – it would mean that they’re also being magically kept clean, and also probably that the colors don’t fade. I think just saying that they’re seamless and, as seamless is a lot easier to tell, saying that in those terms they’ve stayed that way makes more sense.
3. The stones were there before humans according to the stories, but they’re stories, but…nobody has ever tried to investigate this?
4. Also despite just saying they’re only stories it now seems like it’s a definite fact that they at least existed when humans arrived, and also that makes it even weirder there’d be any stories either way on if the stones existed before the evolution of humanity when there’s the perfectly factual weirdness that definitely they were here before humans arrived here and definitely they were built by somebody else.
5. Given we’ve established at apparently no one has any info I’m not sure why we started off calling the makers “the ancients” when it sounds like there’s at least as much evidence that a god or time-travelers did it. I’d expect the god thing to be the main theory, honestly, particularly when it sounds like there’s no sign of any actual personality or culture coming through from whoever did make them. And yet “the ancients” is the only thing that isn’t getting brushed off as just a story.
6. Despite all this somehow it’s certain that their duty is protecting humans who came later and they’re doing great at that, even though if everyone knows it was built by someone else, the most likely explaination is that those people built it for themselves and then were wiped out by something the walls failed to protect them from (and which may return any day now to repeat that with these new people).

I really like settings with mysteries and incongruities baked into the very surroundings, but you have to be clear about what’s not clear. What do they actually know? What investigations have been tried and failed, verses what have people just never bothered with? There’s a huge difference between people throwing everything they have at analyzing these walls and finding they’re supernaturally impossible to learn anything about and people just not knowing much about archeology so they have no idea and it could be anything. Similarly, there’s no sense of who’s telling the stories, if they’re accepted to be made up because no one knows the truth or widely believed, etc. Are they based on the experiences of the first arrivals and best guesses passed down over time, or a religious vision thing putting belief into all the empty spaces that appeared at a distinct point and splits people into believers and non, or just spitballing in the present based on what little is known?

[It was meant to keep the beasts out, and it did. Apart from some special beasts, but what place could protect you from Death that flew, or perhaps worse, a dragon? Piss off a dragon and you might as well just stick your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye.]

Okay, so “Death that flew” is different from a dragon, and also a dragon is worse than whatever that is.

That also really undercuts the idea those walls do much of anything. It makes me think of how in ASoIaF there’s the point made that terrible and absolute peak castle technology were equally worthless when flying, fire-breathing giant lizards showed up. If there’s two (or more) things completely unstopped by the walls, and also it sounds like those are the worst ones, then the walls aren’t actually doing much good.

(And you should probably explain what exactly a “Death that flew” is. There is already way too much here that’s not getting detailed.)

[Phenac was far from perfect, but it was his home and he loved it. I never wanna go back. I want to stay here, forever. There were no walls to keep monstrous beasts out or fresh water to drink, but it was still better than being home.]

So, here the disjoint seems very deliberate, but it’s still hard to follow because you’re saying he still does love it at the same time as that he never wants to go there again, and the lack of connection comes off more like he’s whiplashing between opposite emotions than that he loves it /but/ it’s too painful to go home. If it’s mean to be qualified I think it’d be better to write it as qualified.

[Though the dock came off Phenac and was part of her, it was hundreds of hundreds of years younger. ]

Okay so 100 x 100 is 10,000. And you’re saying it’s multiple hundreds on both ends. Just 200 x 200 means we jump to 40,000. 500 x 500 and it’s 250,000. Those are some very different numbers! And that last one’s now within the range for this existing before humans even finished evolving going by our own world. Is the actual guesswork in-universe this vague? Because “it’s super old” and “it’s so old and mysterious we can’t even date the damn thing and it could be any time from the time the Earth formed to five seconds before people walked over the hill and saw it” are very different levels of mystery. Also, it seems pretty likely you might’ve actually meant “hundreds and hundreds”. And while hundreds and hundreds is at least a smallwer range, in every case, when you’re saying there’s a lot unknown about your setting, you really shouldn’t be sloppy about known information. If people know dates for some things, actually give solid numbers there.

[The dock was made of wood and metal and the black sea had taken its toll on it over the years. ]

Why are they making it of that instead of stone? You go on to say that farming is so poor they’re only surviving due to the ships, so why are they growing the enormous amount of trees it’d take to keep making fresh wooden docks? How are they manufacturing that much metal to similarly waste?

[Fantastic metal beasts that groaned with hundreds of voices swam across the sea without legs or arms, carrying the strangers from a distant land who dressed funny and knew no fear of the desert. Sailors, they called themselves.]

How did his ancestors get here if they don’t know what boats are and struggle so hard with the concept that even with regular trade they don’t use the word? How are they advanced enough to be manufacturing the sort of high-quality metal you’d need for sea docks to last more than five seconds?

[They came once every full moon and always wanted the same thing, power crystal. Why they needed so much often crept into his mind. Sure, it made very strong and useful tools. Neither time or use ever seemed to affect them. He’d never heard of one break. A father could feed his family his whole life with his pickaxe and then pass it to his son, who would do the same, and there wouldn’t be so much as a scratch on it. How much could they need? It ate rocks and wood if left against them and grew in their place; a tiny shard could eat a boulder if you let it.]

…so make the docks out of that?

And also, if it’s both indestructable and easily farmed, I don’t see why there’d be much emphasis on passing down the tools when they seem like they’d be pretty common, and if that sort of indestructable substance is around, is that what the walls are made of? In that case it shouldn’t seem weird to them that the walls don’t seem affected by time. Is it a different, also indestructable material, in which case people should really be wondering why there’s at least two of those things in this one place? What happens if you hit the indestructable wall with an indestructable pickax?

And also also – what’s with the moon? Why are high tech boat-havers tied to the moon timing instead of units tied to a year? Moon calendars are easy to track on a day to day basis but they’re terrible for long term bookkeeping.

[Every moon, they came and fed their beasts with as much as they could give them. In return they gave them tools to cut and shape stone, fresh earth for their raised fields, fresh seeds to replace what the crystals killed, and salt. That was what they gave the most of, to preserve the bounty of the desert and help them survive. Without the strangers, they couldn’t survive here, but he truly hoped they wouldn’t come again.]

You just said the people here have super awesome crystal tools, so why are they trading for regular tools? Why is dirt a limiting factor, people living in a single place are going to be generating waste and fresh compost, is the crystal eating it faster than that? How are the crystals killing the seeds? Why do people in a desert next to a sea need salt? If these people are alien strangers no one understands or likes, but also no one can survive here without them, how did this place get colonized? Why does he hate these people he doesn’t even know since he’s calling them strangers so much he’d rather his entire community died a horrible death than that they show up?

[it’s baby]

Its.

[Hell, without the desert they couldn’t even trade in crystals, unless they crossed through that living nightmare they’d never reach the greatest cache of crystals and stone in all of Orre. Broken Fang Mountain. ]

But [ It ate rocks and wood if left against them and grew in their place; a tiny shard could eat a boulder if you let it.] Why don’t they just set up crystal farms? Surely after the hundreth time they passed through ultra super death desert to get a fresh stock of regenerating crystals someone would realize they could just not sell all of them right then?

[Many of the crystals they traded in came from Broken Fang as rocks. The mountain never seemed to run out, almost as if it all grew back after they left.]

Why “almost” and “as if” when you’ve stated it’s a fact the crystals grow? It really seems like you’ve changed things midstream from “the crystals grow on anything” to “the crystals only regenerate in the mountain”.

[You look like mom.]

Mom. Used in place of a name, capitalized same as a name.

[“Maybe it’s the sun’s time of the month,” he couldn’t help but smile.] should be [“Maybe it’s the sun’s time of the month.” He couldn’t help but smile.]

[ Zealots, or “the children” as they liked to be called, called the sun the Mother’s eye and believed through it she watched over them and bathed them in her light and her love.]

But also there’s some other group of people with the whole black sun belief. Are these competing zealots of another faith? Seriously, the black sun thing sounds like a significantly more batshit and intense belief than this.

[ All he knew was that the Mother was who Orre prayed to whenever the sun set and arose again. But she had neither love nor notice for him and so he had none for her in return. The stars were his Gods and it was to them he prayed, for forgiveness, for the strength to do what is right and most of all, he prayed for his loved ones.]

But what’s the difference between the sun and the stars? How have the stars noticed him and shown love for him? Also, if the Mother’s a universal religion, but only the zealots call the sun her eye, then what do the other ones believe?

[“Hey… Red,” stained by the sunset her eyes turned from emerald to a dirty green. She smiled and looked at him as though she would cry at any moment. “You do know… none of this is real, right?”]

I think, based on the rest, that all of it’s real somewhere but he’s not there, as opposed to that he invented it all, but I mean, you’re writing a fictional story, which doesn’t bear any resemblence to the canon setting, and which as a setting is a confusing jumble. It’s really not clear. Like with the mysterious walls, if some parts of your story are going to be unknown and mysterious, you really need to do your best at not leaving other things ambiguous. [“You do know… you’re not really here, right?”] would be clear that Phenac is still a real place. And while I assume dead sister because that’s generally it, it could as easily be that there never was any sister and it’s delusions all the way down.

[Those eyes were stained red by the blood of the innocent, their dead shine was hollow and lifeless. They breathed but were far from alive. ]

So once again, too much and too jumbled. The eyes are breathing? And “dead shine” has some issues too, because the “shine” of eyes actually is a life indicator – eyes look different once blood flow stops.

And so on.

If you’re writing something where a character’s grasp on reality is messed up, it’s probably not a good idea to have it take place in a setting packed with impossibilities, because anything that the narration says which doesn’t make sense could just be him being wrong. It might be possible to pull off a mad setting with an unreliable narrator, but it’d be really hard and it’s going to require far more detail and clarity about that setting than you’ve got here, and really, really good ways of distinguishing fact, general speculation, unknowns, definitely wrong made up stories, and the narrator’s own issues.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13967915/1/Nerve-Dead

I really think the opening goes on far, far too long for far too little info – even just him complaining about how badly he’s treated has some issues because it’s so much just him claiming things so there isn’t actually any way to tell the difference between “practically a saint driven over the edge by constant abuse” and “exactly as much of an angry asshole and his abusive stepdad’s internal monologue would’ve sounded almost identical but with the names moved around”. And if the answer is that we’re to take the narrator at his word because he’s the protagonist, then you still don’t need the list of grievances and receipts and insulting each other, because just the fact he thinks the guy is an abusive jerk covers it.

Also, just, seriously, it’s completely obvious where it’s going even before the fact you cover the entire thing in your summary. Even the bit about the Pokemon franchise, although I like that he’s got a more nuanced opinion than the usual, is clunky because there’s no particular reason for him to just happen to give his thoughts on it right now instead of after ending up in the pokeworld when he actually has pokemon around giving him a reason to explain why he hates it and likes other media’s handling of nonhumans better. (…Also, uh, sharks? It’s not impossible for someone who likes animals to be utterly misinformed about sharks, but it is a bit odd and, out of universe, it’s not great to keep spreading that around when we’re talking about multiple species pushed toward extinction in part because of that kind of misinformation.)

[“Pack up, and get the fuck out.” He demanded with a stubby finger pointing to the door.]
[The old man rose a brow at that, “That’s between me and your mot—”]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[At most, a Hickory horned devil would measure up to 14cm. That thing was at least 30 fucking centimeters tall and eight pounds worth of bug, with pupiled eyes…And it definitely talked.]

You’ve also got formatting issues with throwing in extra capital letters at odd points and switching how you’re writing measurements.

While pokemon are going to be off to someone with knowledge, there are some grubs that approach that size, and there’s also caterpillars that get messed up by parasites and keep growing past the size they should pupate. So it’d make sense to be confused because a hickory horned devil is the largest possible fit where he’s living and doesn’t even come close, but I don’t think he can rule out that he’s in a different part of the world. And the pokemon that caterpie is based on actually does have false eyes that look like they have pupils – unless he properly examines the wurmple, the more likely answer is that it’s just weird markings, and maybe that’s related to why it seems so impossibly big as well, maybe it’s puffed up as some sort of defense mechanism.

[Though he did recall that skull splitting migraine…Wait…Now that he considered it…The symptoms, and—

Oh bloody hell…

“Did I just die from a ruptured aneurysm?”

It was the only explanation for the symptomatic process, with years worth of accumulated stress that was apparently enhanced by his enraged blood lust…But then, how did he end up here with the same clothes he had on? His white hoodie nor blue jeans had any signs of blood, only a bit of soot from the ground he laid on. And what about the knife he still carried? And the huge—apparently talking—fauna? He didn’t remember smoking a ton of joints or doing any LSD. And even if he did, there’s no way it would produce such real hallucinations, could it?]

Uh. Well, that chain of reasoning sure derailed into nonsense fast.

“I think I’m dead. But then, why am I still in my clothes?” Seriously? Is it established fact that dying changes your clothing? Has he died a lot before and knows how it should work?

If he thinks it’s plausible something went horribly wrong in his brain, then he’s either dead and in the afterlife, or still somewhat alive and this is getting produced by his dying brain. In either case, his clothes should really not be what he’s confused about, nor should he, thinking he’s dead from brain damage, assume the only way he could be hallucinating is intentionally taking drugs. He might be annoyed dying or hallucinating didn’t net him a better outfit or a better setting, but neither of them are at all implausible.

[Grey sifted through his choices. Megafauna most likely plagued these woods and he really didn’t want to delve further in. But surrounded by tall trees, there wasn’t a hint of civilization in sight. The only sign of it was the person in trouble, and they may be the only one around here, for who knew how many miles, to give him some answers. It was inevitable.]

It seems like you don’t want to go in a character thinks they’re dead/hallucinating direction at all, which is fine – if you want him engaged with the new setting, not believing in it is a big problem. But in that case you shouldn’t have him thinking that’s the most plausible explanation, and you definitely shouldn’t be giving him actual evidence of fitting symptoms right before. I’d really suggest the opposite direction – building off that he’s sure he didn’t do drugs, maybe say he’s actually been taking care of himself and really doesn’t believe he could’ve just suddenly died, or given how tropey this is you could have him familiar with isekai stories and that he died but this new place is real, or, since again, you seem to be really trying to get him to refute the idea he could’ve died, maybe go for the even more traditional portal setup where he definitely didn’t die and knows it. (Or, at most, is willing to question a little if the magical portal was itself a hallucination, but where he has no other evidence he should question his senses.)

[—Instead, he increased his pace and bolted; despite his stomach already heaving from the exertion and leg muscles burning from the rough terrain.]

Really don’t use semicolons like this. They’re not emphasis commas.

[“Combus—ck yeah bitches! I’m free! Ragh! Now, who’s the fucker that locked me up!?” She asked in a feminine yet tempestuous voice as she whirled about in a fury.]

eeegh yeah “feminine yet tempestuous voice” is a really, really skeevy way to put it even before the fact that you’ve got a male protag in an M rated fic in the subgenre that usually overlaps with the harem subgenre, and also it does not seem like it’s a description that at all fits with what she actually said.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13974220/1/A-World-Full-of-Myths

[ This is a new series about mythological creatures like kitsune and werewolves. I wanted to explore how beings like that would interact with the Pokémon World. In this story, the human world is in an age of knights, magicians, and alchemists. The story starts in the Obake World, where the mythological creatures live and stay, so we can see the many different kinds of Obake. I’ll probably spend a while in the Obake World before switching over to the human world.]

…It’d probably be a good idea to explain what you mean when you say mythological creatures as opposed to pokemon, which not only are magic imaginary monsters and based on our own myths but have multiple ones based on kitsune alone, and what you think this is adding, if it’s your premise and hook for readers.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. That also applies words like “mom” and “dad” – if they’re being used as a person’s name, they’re capitalized, if they’re not, they’re not.

[“We’re just as much human as we are Pokémon. That’s what it means to be an Obake. To be human as well as to be a Pokémon. It’s time we Fylgjur remember that,” the Eevee said sharply.]

That’s not what obake means.

I’m guessing at this point the issue is you want shapeshifters, but kitsune and werewolves don’t work the same at all, and also if that’s what you mean, call them shapeshifters.

[The Umbreon shrugged. “I never felt too closely tied to my Soulmate as my mate did, but I understand the sentiment. Fylgjur have never identified with humans. We are Pokémon who can turn into humans in our hearts. After all, humans have done to Obake, you can understand our hesitation to even be linked to them.”

The old Eevee nodded.

“I understand,” he said as he sat. “But this trauma from over three thousand years ago must heal at some point.]

Uh, no, that’s super fucked up. If one group hurts another, it is not on the hurt people to keep trying, and it doesn’t have to heal if they’re doing fine apart. The soulmates business is just making it worse, because it seems like it’s there to force these people into abusive relationships by also making them miserable if they try to escape it.

If you want to say it’s good for humans and pokemon to be together, you need more than “humans hurt us when they’re around, but another evil force has mindfucked us into suffering if we try to steer clear of them too, so I guess we have no choice but to go back and hope this time around they’ll happen to choose not to abuse us.”

It’d also help if there were actual mistakes on both sides, and if it wasn’t just that abused people must forgive no matter what because abuse is bad but so is reacting to abuse.

(Also, actions should go in the same line as dialogue. If someone’s nodding and talking, that goes together. New paragraphs are if someone else nods.)

[Arceus created humans and Pokémon to be partners. ]

Continuing on the thread of soulmates not actually meaning any of this is right or good, does it matter what Arceus intended if it didn’t work? If your parent had you for a particular purpose, that doesn’t mean that’s the inherent truth of the world, especially not if, after doing your best to obey your parent, everything went to hell and you suffered horribly for it. This kind of thing needs some sort of explanation for why Arceus is a trustworthy figure.

(And, while less of an issue than the human Arceus-Jesus stuff that usually pops up, still weird that it’s Arceus creating pokemon and them thinking that means anything compared to Mew, who at least as a more direct mother creator gives some reason why maybe she’d care about making functioning creations, and also has a much better connection to transformation which seems to be a core element of your plot.)

[“I know,” he said in a low voice. “I know. Whenever a Fylgja steps foot into the human world, they have the potential to be killed. You both know the risk, and your evolution is evidence of that.” The Espeon ducked her head, refusing to look into her elder’s eyes, yet he continued. “But it’s a risk all Fylgjur must take. We are the only Obake who are born linked to a human. You know that well, already raising three children you did not bear.”

“Two Fylgjur can’t have children together,” the Umbreon said, speaking the implied part. “So, it’s impossible for us to bear any offspring together.”]

Okay, if they’re cursed, and they also have to go out of their way to conceive children and any families are half adopted anyway, why haven’t they considered just not having kids at all and just doing regular adoption? Why is it super awful if only non-cursed eevee are left?

[Glossary:]

Please just use regular words instead of taking different cultures’ words and saying it means what you want it to mean now, especially when you’re taking it from tiny cultures that have enough difficulty already preserving their own identity and belief systems.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13978999/1/A-Hop-and-A-Skip-Origins-of-the-Revivemax

[Another smeller story to go with my BIG story!!

Its near Halloween now and I alredy made a special Halloren story. I post it on AO3 but not post it on FFN cause it is Minceraft SMP stuffs so it has real dudes inside and that aint it here. BUT!!!!! I got a few other small stores to post from AO4 and they both have scary spooky stuff like Halloen ! Like this one with zombies lol! And the other with ghostd so itll be scarer.

The ghost stort will be up on Froday in Asia times so stay tumed! AND SEe my AO3 user on my profile for the real Halloween fic of thats what you want. Anyways TME FOR ZOMBIES]

Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13981031/1/A-Little-Harmless-Fun

[Their fortress, constructed atop a mountain accessible only through a series of caves populated by dangerous wild pokémon, saw no revelers, so the foursome had to resort to amusing themselves.]

Is there a reason they can’t leave if they wanted to do something for Halloween?

If they want to spend Halloween together, it’s weird your opening talks it up like they have no choice, if they don’t, it’s weird they seem stuck there anyway.

[Shauntai was wearing an oversized dress of purple and black, a custom-made creation of Elesa, Unova’s premiere fashion designer. ]

…She’s not. She’s a model, which isn’t the same thing. And given she’s already both a model and a gym leader, she really doesn’t have time for even a related career in fashion, let alone one as time consuming as actually making commissioned closely fitted clothing. And over in Kalos, Valerie’s a gym leader who does identify as a fashion designer and specifically is interested in making pokemon-styled custom outfits, and Shauntai going through the effort of meeting up with a different league member would only make the point that the chandelure outfit’s important to her stronger.

[Shauntai laughed but shook her head, “No, no, that’s okay. Why don’t you take a seat and I can get you something to drink?”]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[Today is the day when the barrier between this world and the next world is at its thinnest. We go through our everyday lives blissfully unaware that there are forces on the other side, who wish to warn us, guide us, or harm us.]

…but…ghost pokemon already exist? It’s got to be hard to go about your day unaware of the fact you personally have the unquiet dead as partners, and also with your coworker being a psychic who gets guiding visions. If they’re meaningfully different, you kind of need to work that in – have her open by saying that everyone’s familiar with so-called ghosts like her pokemon, but today is the day of REAL ACTUAL GHOSTS, OOOO.

[Perhaps you’ve felt it yourself; in a sudden chill in the air or the hairs on your neck standing up. ]

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

[“No, Marshal, that was just me. I was trying to spell out that word, but the idea of the game is that we’re all moving it, but we’re not thinking about it. We’re letting our bodies be guided by the spirits, or by our subconscious minds, whatever you prefer.”]

It’s also a plot point all the way back in the very original games that possession is a real thing to worry about. Right now this really reads like you’re just writing regular teenagers screwing around in our mundane world.

I think if the idea here is that she’s being really flippant, you should go a little further in her saying outright that it’s all fake – instead of the traditional “oh, I got this board second-hand, who knows where it’s really from” she could tell them it’s just a board game that got big in the 1920s, the name’s just nonsense for marketing purposes, and other mundane facts.

[The denials made Caitlin’s eyes narrow. “Well, it had to be one of us. I didn’t psychically sense any of Shauntai’s pokémon outside of their poké balls while that was going on, and they’re the only ones who could have moved that, that thing, around without any of us seeing them.”

“Maybe it was a spirit?” offered Shauntai.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” snapped Caitlin. “Come on, Grimsley, admit it.”]

…or it could be any other ghost pokemon wandering by, if we’re admitting a ghost pokemon could totally do this? You probably want a more broad statement here that Caitlin would’ve sensed Shauntai’s /or any other/ pokemon. (Though even that’s questionable – could she have noticed a sableye? Plus there’s tons of pokemon that are telekinetic.)

[ ‘Ye hath summoned me and I have come. Thine offering will be accepted, but one of thou must break the seal. One of thou must sign the pact. One of thou must offer thyself up.'”]

Pretty sure the grammar’s off here. Ye/thou and your/thine is plural/singular. And no one would say “one of (singular you)” so that part’s definitely plural, and it seems like the offering bit is probably a plural too since it seems to mean all of them rather than if one of them goes through with it that one particular person’s offering will be. I think it’d be “Your offering will be accepted, but one of ye must break the seal.”

Also – doesn’t seem like anyone actually broke the seal. Assuming it’s the planchette, it broke itself and all Shauntai did was duck, and there’s no sign of what else it could be. I realize it’s supposed to end in horrible things happening because Halloween, but there’s really no sense of why anyone’s suffering a horrible fate here – you have a ton of lead-up, but then the monster comes out of nowhere, describes rules that don’t seem to be fulfilled, and then takes someone, and also if all of them were so creeped out, why didn’t anyone have their pokemon out?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13968308/1/Lunch-Run-A-Petalburg-Woods-Horror-Story

[“I think this is the way.” you think to yourself as you wade through the deep forest]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. That also applies words like “mom” and “dad” – if they’re being used as a person’s name, they’re capitalized, if they’re not, they’re not.

[occasionally a Cascoon bears it’s spikes]

“It’s” means “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.

This feels like it’s in need of a unifying point. You go all out on it being horror at the start, then the trainer’s chased by apparently murderous pokemon, then…another trainer scares them off and establishes they were just mad because the first trainer seemed to be challenging them before they could eat their meal, and they go back to the pokecenter and everything’s fine.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13981766/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Neon-Shadows

[The young man’s chuckle soon grew invalidity from the boy’s expression. “What’s with that look?” he asked amusement coloring his tone.

The boy remained irked as he responds. “Why are you laughing?”

“Don’t worry about it,” They glared at that. “You wanted to know about the Charizard right?”

It was as if a switch was flipped for the boy as his glare immediately fell replaced with an eager excited smile as he turned fully to face the young man prompting a smile out of him.

“Well, Charizard’s are dual-type Pokémon those being Fire- ”

The boy titled his head, confusion schooling his features “Fire-type?”]

I realize you warned this is a draft, but you’ve got tons of grammar errors. Not even sure what “invalidity” was supposed to be, it’s really overwritten, you don’t use an apostrophe for a plural…

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. That also applies words like “mom” and “dad” – if they’re being used as a person’s name, they’re capitalized, if they’re not, they’re not.

[While there were some arguments to be made on those reasons being lazy excuses out of pure ignorance, one of the reasons for why some trainer refused to raise a Kantonian Muk had struck him. The reason had to do with how unique a Kantonian Muk line’s physiology is. This uniqueness came from the fact that it was one of the few Pokémon species capable of reproducing asexually through fragmentation, this was important because there are times where a situation can be so server that the Muk would be ripped or blown apart.

In these situations, one of three things can happen. The first the Muk can pull themselves together this being the best of the three. The second is that the Muk dies, while a bad outcome most Kantonian Muk trainers would argue that this is also a better outcome than the last. The third and final outcome is for the Muk to die but the fragments instead of dying off begin to grow and become Grimers and for most, if not all Kantonian Muk trainers this outcome is by far the worse, some had claimed it was worse than distortion itself.

After learning of this scenario, he had taken a few days to gather his thoughts on the matter. As he could understand why those trainers would say the third outcome was so bad. The second option may be the death of your pokémon but in that one, you can grieve and slowly move on a lot easier, while in the third you can only feel a pang of overwhelming guilt as the pokémon you raised had died but was reborn as hundreds if not thousands of Grimer making it harder to move on. Your pokémon had passed and was reborn into many new life forms but they weren’t your pokémon and raising these new lifeforms felt like you were attempting to replace your old pokémon but giving them away also felt like you were abandoning you old pokémon even though these new ones were not them.]

This is a bizarre direction to go in.

People don’t like to raise muk because instead of a pokemon definitely always dying when torn apart, plenty of the time a muk will be fine, but occasionally it does die but some of those times it leaves offspring and that’s the worst thing ever.

If that’s how you personally feel when thinking about a pet dying, that’s fine, but we know that’s not universal because there’s plenty of times a pet animal dies but babies survive and most people are glad to have the babies and the sense that some part of their pet is still around instead – and that’s a situation where the babies may well be the cause of death, while you’ve outlined a situation where this only happens as the result of a fatal accident and the resulting grimer are utterly blameless.

It also seems weird for a story that started off with talking about the canon concerns about muk going extinct to suddenly move from that to obsess over an extra problem made up, particularly when he’s saying the biggest problem this endangered species faces is that sometimes when one dies there’s tons of babies to keep the species going.

And then it goes into selective breeding, and it really seems like if his goal is to make muk more popular as battlers, selective breeding would already be an understandable motivation without it being specifically selective breeding to wreck their ability to produce offspring when they’re killed in violent accidents.

[“I’m not sure about those projects but I have a vague idea on the first step in the selective breeding. Which is to make sure that the Grimers have a special-talent of Ghost-type.” The young boy explained with certainly.

His statement seemed to genuinely surprise Oak prompting the Professor to ask him why he was so certain that Ghost-typing was necessary when most researchers have tried either Psychic or Bug typing.

“Special-talents from what I’ve learned tend to change a pokémon slightly to be different from the rest of their species but not enough to cause a full blow mutant adaptation like regional variants. Pokémon with a Ghost special-talent from what I read gain better control of ghostly energies allow them better access to certain moves but most importantly they gain a pseudo-corporal form similar to that of actual Ghost-types. It is that change that I feel is the linchpin of this.”]

…It also seems kind of worrying for the long-term direction of this that after making up an extra problem and deciding that’s the one to focus on, you then make up a whole new way for pokemon to work that’s your solution to this problem. You just keep moving further and further away from the original issues.

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