[14] The Other Pokereviews, Part 160

A mixed bag today.

By the way, The Zoroark Games have concluded! I did not participate, but Farla did, and there are many other good stories there too.

Anime: 3

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13660850/1/Gaurdian-Legends

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Your title is misspelled.

[Heroes disappear, new ones reappear, are they the same? As a new evil rises in the pokemon world, how will their story unfold?]

Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

“TV” is typically capitalized.

You’ve got a lot of typos here. You should proofread more thoroughly.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13660781/1/My-First-Pok%C3%A9mon-Fanfiction

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[I’ve written fanfiction before, but this is the first one I actually published, so I hope all who read it enjoy it! (It’s sort of based off my playthrough of Pokémon Sword, with elements such as Z-Moves and Mega Evolution from Gen 7 and Gen 6 mixed in as well. Elements from the Pokemon Sword and Shield Expansion Pass will be present as well.)]

This information typically goes in an author’s note. Your summary should say what the story itself is about, specifically. (Similarly, you should pick a more descriptive title.)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re using an awful lot of colons and semicolons, which doesn’t sound terribly natural. Most thoughts, speech, and first-person narration use more natural-sounding punctuation like ellipses and dashes.

[Two hours later..]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This is somewhat different from the typical opening, but it’s still rather insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but the reader should have a basic idea of what the rest of the story is going to look like.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13660743/1/The-Sevestar-Prince-Darker-Version-Alternate

Blocked, previously encountered.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13660727/1/The-Test-Subject

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[FLASHBACK]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

[(Bang!)]

Similarly, this isn’t a comic book. Sound effects should be described in prose.

[I immediately sweatdrop.]

This is a visual art convention that doesn’t work in prose.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[CHAPTER TWO]

You shouldn’t put multiple chapters in the same chapter file, that defeats the purpose.

In general, I really recommend you get a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13660699/1/Sky-Drop

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[For character names, I will be using the official dtranslated names in the language corresponding to the region they’re from. This is on purpose- the language barrier will be significant to this story. I will provide a list at the bottom of the chapter translating each of the names of pre-existing characters from Japanese to English.]

That’s a neat idea, especially the key!

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Even the southern beaches were too cold to even dip a foot in.]

Repeating sounds sounds awkward. I’d recommend rephrasing or removing one of the “even”s in this sentence.

[Like any other Sinnoan 12-year-old]

The Sinnoh PCs are 10 like the other Japanese region PCs, unless they changed something in the remake.

[He was set to pick a starter, receive a Pokédex and registration, and collect badges from the eight Gym Leaders of the Sinnoh League.]

The starter and pokedex thing aren’t actually standard outside of Johto, and even there it looks like it’s only for New Bark residents. Pay close attention to the context of each starter-picking scene and you’ll see they are almost always special circumstances, usually granted to you as a personal favor from the professor. The pokedex has seemingly become more standardized, but in the early games, it was new technology tied to each professor’s personal project.

Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

[“Coming,” shot back the boy.]

Is something as violent as “shot back” really appropriate here? You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

[“I just put in some books,” Hayate pouted.]

Errant punctuation here.

[A memoir from one of the members of the legendary Galarian band, The Kricke-Tunes]

Hah, that’s a cute adaptation of The Beetles! Most pokeworld adaptations in fanfic just do a straight translation without any consideration for how it actually sounds, so this is nice to see.

[Ms. Yamaguchi “Even better!]

Something seems to have gone missing here.

[For the residents, to see the petals and leaves fall off of their beloved flowers was the annual heartbreak.]

This sounds awkward — in general, you should avoid infinitives if possible. I’d recommend moving “the residents” somewhere else in this sentence.

Ah, and things are happening right away! I was worried this would just be the typical “get the starter” opening. The summary says he ends up in Unova, though, which makes me curious how a simple drifloon can carry him that far. Teleportation magic?

While this is generally decent and I like that you’re moving the plot along right away, the technical writing here can feel flat and emotionless. As an example of what I mean:

[The Staraptor landed to prevent the Professor from being hit, but the Skuntank was quick. The Skuntank darted after the avian and prepared a Poison Jab. The Professor quickly crawled to the side as his Staraptor evaded the punch. “Aerial Ace!” he yelled in a gruff voice. Staraptor went on the offensive, landing a clean hit on the Skuntank.]

This paragraph is composed entirely of short, simple sentences that do little more than describe what’s literally happening. There’s little detail or imagery to set the tone — how close was the Poison Jab? What did the “clean hit” look like, exactly? There’s also little emotion to the narration, even though this is surely very alarming. I’d recommend experimenting more with your sentence structure and composition, and studying other novels to see how they do this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13660430/1/Darkness-of-the-Light

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

Summaries heavy on rhetorical questions are generally disliked, as they’re usually either too open-ended (as you have here) or foregone conclusions. I’d recommend instead focusing on declarative statements of what your story is about thematically.

[- The Pokémon Universe isn’t as friendly as it is in the original sources, (Manga, games, ect.)

– The characters are all aged up from their original ages

– All characters in this Universe have different relationships then in other Universes.]

Those are a lot of changes. Why aren’t you just using OCs?

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[to never loose her patience]

You want “lose”. “Loose” is the opposite of tight.

[The question that she pondered while looking at them,

How much are there?]

This is an awkward construction. The first sentence needs to end on a “was” or something similar to bridge the two, or, given that you’re showing her thoughts directly, it might make more sense to make Acerola the subject of the sentence (start it with “she” instead of “the question”).

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[I wonder who it is..]

Punctuation error here.

[The phone speaker would be filled with muffled.]

Something seems to have gone wrong here.

[Even though I don’t trust that bitch Lusamine]

Is the gendered slur really necessary here?

You’ve got some really weird tenses going on here, at some points shifting into *future* tense, which I have almost never seen before. Tenses should be consistent throughout a story. Are you not a native speaker? I’d recommend getting a beta reader to help you if you have trouble.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13660429/1/The-Mixing-of-Regions-Kanto-Arc

If you’re only using incidental details from the game-verse, this should be tagged as anime fic. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[I already know about all those people who will post those long and annoying things about punctuation and stuff like, so no need to post about it in a review because I know and really don’t care. I’m gonna write this the way I want to.]

That is incredibly rude and entitled of you. Grammatical rules exist for a reason, and that reason is so that people can understand your story. If you have this much contempt for your readers, I don’t know why you expect anyone to read your work.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13660340/1/Tears-of-a-Devil

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You refer to Giratina as “he” in the summary, but “it” in the story. You should be consistent.

[It was if it were trapped in the eye of a tornado]

What is “it” here?

[“…”]

This is a visual art convention and doesn’t work in prose.

[Giratina thoughts]

I think you’re missing a possessive here.

[It was a young lady; her pale skin battered and slashed, a testament to 5787ithe world in which she came.]

This is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here. I would separate this into two sentences, personally.

(Also, you’ve got a glitch in there, it looks like.)

[siances such as this would allow God’s to walk among the old world.]

I believe you mean “seances”, and you only capitalize “god” if you’re referring to the Judeo-Christian one.

I’m not clear how giving the guy a blowjob is supposed to be revenge.

[To Be Continued…]

This is unnecessary; the next chapter button serves the same purpose.

You have a lot of typos and misspellings throughout this. Use spellcheck and proofread more thoroughly. If you consistently have trouble, you should get a beta reader to help you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13660277/1/Dojo

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13660255/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Survivor-South-Hoenn

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

The “twelve” in your summary shouldn’t be capitalized.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

If this is a Total Drama crossover, it should be in the crossovers section.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13660123/1/Pokemon-Journey-Adventures-in-Kalos-Rewrite

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one. (Similarly, the summary should tell people what the story is actually about.)

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters, and all numbers are written out when they begin a sentence.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13659766/1/Road-to-Pokemon-Master

Blocked, previously encountered.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13659650/1/How-to-be-a-Pokemon-MasterChef

You really need more than this for a first chapter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13659478/1/The-Children-of-the-Future

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Thud]

This isn’t a comic book. Sound effects should be described in prose.

You have a lot of dropped commas. I’d recommend reading up on punctuation usage.

There’s not much here.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13659439/1/The-Very-Best

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[He had slept for a very long time, his advanced age had long caught up with him, his battles had been long past for many years.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

Pairing poke-grunts with translated speech is very awkward. It’s better to just write their speech as normal, or with different marks if the language barrier is important.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[pallet town]

This, however, should be capitalized.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13657592/1/The-Crystal-Prince-and-the-Heart-of-Life

This is very nice! The style is simple, but in a way that solidifies the mythic style. It definitely sounds like a story people would tell, and I like the narrator’s ending note about the story having multiple meanings.

I’d say my only objection is that this doesn’t feel very particularly Pokemon; it could be rewritten with just about any life/death pair deities.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13659198/1/Carrot-Cake

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[A few extra pounds would be good for her to deal with the cold weather! It was perfectly natural! Humans were definitely the weird ones when it came to things like this.]

This actually makes me wonder how types factor into this. *Do* cinderace actually need standard heat storage methods on top of their natural flame? Or maybe their fat powers their fire? (Fat *is* quite flammable…)

[The sound booming from each blow would have left any human martial artist green with envy. Yet, despite the clear power behind each kick, every movement was executed with a sense of unnatural grace. Rather than techniques to be used in a fight, the moves flowed together in a way more akin to a dance. Even among Pokemon, perhaps only an experienced Hitmonlee would be able to match such a display.]

This is an excellent description for a pokemon modeled after a sports player. It makes perfect sense that they’d emphasize style and performance.

[She would just have to make due training alone…]

You want “do”. “Due” means owed.

[As she washed the last remaining suds from her coat, her mind couldn’t help but wander back to when she had first been introduced to the concept of a ‘bath.’ The thought of willingly getting into a tub of water had been completely bizarre to her as a young Scorbunny. She had given her trainer quite a bit of grief before she eventually settled into the practice. The fact that the water was warm had helped, but it was still water at the end of the day.]

This has always been a topic of interest to me, and I’m glad you’re touching on it. How *do* fire pokemon bathe? Do they even drink, for that matter? Perhaps it varies, with more natural-looking pokemon like cinderace, who have no visible flames on their body, being more tolerant to it, while presumably a charmander or slugma wouldn’t be able to touch water at all. Of course, if they’re hot enough, they could just bake any unwanted particles off of them. Or dust baths, perhaps?

[Sometimes she envied her trainer’s lack of fur. Getting dry was so much easier for him.]

Haha, this is very cute! Though I’m very interested in transhumanism, I’ve never once wanted fur, for precisely this reason. It’s really neat to see a reversed perspective, with an animal envying a human trait. I love that element of the familiar-as-alien with nonhuman protagonists.

[C’mon, lets head back downstairs]

Missing apostrophe here.

This is really sweet and cute! I love stuff from pokemon perspectives, and I’m glad she’s so happy. The fact Cinderace doesn’t have a proper name sticks out like a sore thumb, though. Surely if her trainer loves her so much he should have given her a name, if she didn’t already have one herself?

One Comment

  1. CrazyEd says:

     Rather than techniques to be used in a fight, the moves flowed together in a way more akin to a dance.

    Rhythm and timing, and kinetic linking and kinesiology, are actually incredibly important to combat sports.

    This is an excellent description for a pokemon modeled after a sports player. It makes perfect sense that they’d emphasize style and performance.

    … Oddly enough, despite (or perhaps because) of that, some of the most flamboyant and stylistically distinct fighters have incredibly odd and decidedly ungraceful ways of moving, specifically to upset their opponent’s sense of timing and rhythm. Michael Page has perhaps the single most style and performance emphasized style of fighting, and even despite the dance moves he sometimes does to taunt his opponents, it’s one of the weirdest and least graceful looking styles in combat sports.

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