[17] The Other Pokereviews, Part 137

A “Team Plasma wins” AU that may not be completely awful, a poke-empath who actually focuses on helping pokemon, and a few other semi-interesting things.

Anime count: 3

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13094806/1/May-you-land-safely-on-your-feet

If KingPyle is bothering you, a list of her sockpuppets and some explanation is linked in my profile. Be warned that she’ll send more sockpuppets to start arguments in response to this review. Otherwise, carry on.

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

[Welcome to my first pokémon story!]

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing “pokemon” in the story, but when referring to the franchise, it actually should be capitalized.

[one of Burgh’s Gym trainers]

[The enemy Heatmor]

“Gym” and pokemon species names, on the other hand, are common nouns should not be capitalized.

[Emolga emerged from her pokéball and burst with electricity that zapped Heatmor across the side]

This demonstrates why: you’re not suddenly referring to the heatmor without a definite article, implying its name is Heatmor. Leaving the species uncapitalized is important if you want to distinguish between general and specific heatmor.

[The tip of Touko’s knife drew a thin red line on the beast’s striped belly, but its hide was too thick to be penetrated with mere human strength.]

Why did she try to attack, then?

[“Fire Lash! Rip her apart!” The Plasma shouted]

Dialogue formatting rules remain constant regardless of punctuation, so this should be [“Fire Lash! Rip her apart!” the Plasma shouted].

[Like most trainers, he was used to his pokémon doing all the work. It was the legacy of peacetime, of regulation matches with rules, limitations and safety nets. Even Team Plasma, with all their preaching about equality, had forgotten what true partnership meant.]

This is an interesting detail, but I’m left asking why. You seem to be portraying Plasma as being true believers in this version, so why are the people fighting them willing to endanger themselves but they aren’t?

Also, like she’s one to talk? She says this kid is “much younger” than her, but even still, unless you’re radically changing the history of the setting, this paradigm was forgotten in her parents’ generation if not earlier. It’s reasonable to say she’s rediscovered the old ways, but this is an incredibly bizarre sentiment coming from someone who never lived in those times to begin with.

[If she hesitates, she will lose; and if she loses, her pokémon will pay the price.]

Will they, though? The Plasma she fought was trying to kill her pokemon, so they may be treated as lost causes, but I would think pokemon would have at least some chance of surviving a war against people fighting for pokemon liberation. Unless you are saying that Plasma’s success will be terrible for pokemon, which is a discussion for later.

[Originally home to the Elite Four, N’s forces had captured it a month ago to use it as a base of operations from which to plan their invasion of the rest of Unova.]

Ah, so you fixed that absurdity about it being built by pokeslaves. Good idea.

[Touko’s most recent encounter with them had involved waking up at midnight with a knife pressed to her throat and a cold whisper in her ear promising to flay her alive.]

But N wants to fight Touko, doesn’t he? Why would he authorize this? Unless that’s the reason she survived said encounter?

[She saw him in that moment, really saw him; decisive and unmovable like he’d always been, and the wheels turning behind his eyes, already strategizing.]

This is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here. You want a full colon here.

[“They thought you could save them. They thought you would awaken Zekrom. The only reason they opposed me was because they believed they had a chance to win. Do you understand? The Elite Four, the Gym Leaders, everyone believes you’re chosen by destiny as I am, the only one that can match me.]

If this is true, and you give us nothing to show it isn’t, she really doesn’t have stones to throw about Plasma being fanatical.

[People and pokémon love each other]

Do you really not see the irony endemic in this very phrase? You don’t class people you love as separate from people.

[we need each other]

Citation needed. That’s not just glib – seriously, I want to see your evidence for this. The canon treats it as self-evident, but it’s not. We see over and over and over humans needing pokemon, pokemon helping humans, pokemon giving EVERYTHING for humans. Humans point to this over and over and over as evidence that “people and pokemon” “need” each other, but all I ever see is evidence that humans need pokemon. Not once in the games have we seen a single piece of absolute, concrete evidence that pokemon need humans. Battling? They don’t need humans for that. The humans constantly speak over pokemon and declare various hypotheses as fact, but we never get any evidence to back it up, aside from the absurd handwave of N capitulating because this one human’s pokemon love them (even if you do nothing but abuse them) – and here, you seem to have excised that bit of terrible plotting. So, what is it? What do pokemon get out of this relationship where they give and give and give and GIVE while the human gets all the rewards of their work? Why are we supposed to see an ordinary person’s opinion as having equal weight to one who can actually hear pokemon say what they want?

[“The bond hurts pokémon!” He took a deep breath. “But this is not about our ideological differences.]

…And of course you’re not actually going to engage with anything I just said. Of course it was foolish of me to hope.

Look. Why are you writing about N if not to engage with this? This entire story and conflict absolutely is about ideological differences. Why do you think that’s not what people want to read about? If you just want a story where N is very wrong, you already have canon for that.

[Very few people ever trained more than one or two pokémon at a time. Bringing up a team of five to their last evolutionary stages was unheard of, but she wasn’t called the best in Unova for nothing.]

Ah, nice job addressing that.

I appreciate that you’re using neutral pronouns for Reshiram.

[how they’d seeked out]

You want “sought”.

[What had she been thinking, bringing a bug-type to fight a fire dragon? She should have-]

Yeah, she really should have. The one possible argument that holds the slightest bit of weight is that pokemon rely on trainers for strategy. They are depending on her to make the smart calls and not throw them into suicide attacks. She failed to consider her pokemon’s wellbeing and she failed to carry her weight. This is 100% her fault.

[“I told you. We only… we didn’t want to be separated. A world, a life where we’re not together… We don’t want it. I don’t want it.”]

You do realize this is saying she’d rather her pokemon die then be separated from her, right? N warned her the battle was hopeless. Even if she really thought she’d win, she must have known she’d be risking at least some of their lives. If this was really her only motivation to throw not just herself but OTHER PEOPLE into a suicide attack, she is simply selfish. If you really love someone, you need to be willing to let them go.

[people and pokémon had gone back to senselessly killing each other]

Fighting for a cause is senseless? Do you truly believe that?

[He breathed in. It was over. The killing, the pain, the infernal carnage that he’d never wanted, it was finally over. He’d be able to build a new world, one where pokémon would never again be forced to slaughter their brethren like on this day. Never again, he swore to himself.]

Wait, we’re in N’s POV now? You shouldn’t switch POVs without a marker, and ideally you shouldn’t need to at all.

This is very well-written, particularly the battles, but given the depiction here I have no interest in reading further. The fact that Ghetsis is still here and still evil tells me this narrative is going to be just as black-and-white as the games. Unless this is some elaborate unreliable narrator fakeout, I see no evidence you’re actually going to engage with questions of pokemon personhood and the validity of N’s perspective, and that’s the only reason I’d be interested in reading a “Team Plasma wins” AU over any of the other “Evil Team wins” AUs.

Author actually gave a response implying this would be a little more nuanced, so check it out maybe.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13095760/1/Pokemon-Tourmaline

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

[An evil organization has taken over the Holona region. It’s up to Tyler and his two friends to take them down and save the region.]

Similarly, you might want to pick a more original summary. Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You need to use more paragraphs. This story is a wall of text. In particular, a new speaker requires a new paragraph. Not doing this makes following your dialogue too much work to continue reading.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13095054/1/The-Un%C3%B8wn-Boy

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[There lie a naked boy]

I think you want “lay” here.

[the Wrath of Spear Pillar, what is was]

Typo.

[The weather remained more or less the same year round; windy and foggy.]

This is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here. You want a full colon here.

[a blonde boy]

You want “blond”. “Blonde” is the feminine form.

This is interesting, but ends quite abruptly. I know you say you’re not certain where you want this to go yet, but it doesn’t really stand on its own in its present state either.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13095461/1/Not-another-ash-betrayal-fic

Blocked, Paradoxicle. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13095156/1/kkkkkk

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Story is a mess of code, but I can make out a request for criticism.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13095795/1/Meet-the-Team-Morgan

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13095868/1/A-Dance-Through-Fire

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[it’s buildings]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[If anyone wants an OC to be added to the story, I’d be glad to do so as long as I’m actually able to find a way to fit them into the story (and by that, I mean your cybernetically-enhanced, bio-engineered talking Eevee probably won’t make it in).]

This is generally not a good idea – it’s best if you make characters that fit the story instead of pigeonholing ones from different stories. If they’re just a cameo it might work okay, but you’ll have to be careful of pushy authors demanding more or people who are just in it to see their character. If you just want general inspiration, it’s better to check out lists of public OCs and find ones that you know will work well with the story. Here’s one: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/128021680/1/Character-Bio-Thread

This is better than most pokemon/trainer fic in that the trainer seems to be genuinely treating the pokemon like a person, but the whole setup is still a little weird. Any time one half of a relationship is *literally owned* by the other, it open a whole can of worms and uncomfortable questions. Like, there are actual genuine reasons why people might want to have laws restricting relationships with that kind of power imbalance – and indeed, in real life we do have things like anti-fraternization policies even in places that are cool with interracial and gay marriage. When you make a big point about “a Unova where humans and Pokémon could freely express their feelings towards each other, without a distasteful glare from passerby, or threat of legal action”, you have to realize you’re not drawing a comparison to gay marriage, you’re drawing a comparison to bosses dating their subordinates.

It sort of ties into the Team Plasma thing, since you brought it up – if pokemon really have no problem being with their trainers, then giving up ownership shouldn’t be an issue. If you’re certain they’ll choose you, you shouldn’t be afraid to give them a choice.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13094861/1/Prayer-At-Snowpoint-Temple

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[heavily stepping stomping towards her]

Looks like you have an extra word here?

[Was heaven supposed to be blinding?]

When referring to the specific place, “Heaven” is capitalized.

[breaking off a few tubes she didn’t realize was attached to her]

“were”

[“—it still can.]

Missing endquote here.

[she expected Candice to say decline her offer]

Looks like something got jumbled here.

[After all, that was what helped her reach this far right?]

I feel like an extra comma before “right” would look better here.

This is excellent! I normally don’t think much of the gym leaders, but this is a great look into what their lives might look like. The mythology and eldritchness of the pokegods are some of my favorite features, too, so I love that you’re showing those aspects and how they interact with human society. I love Cynthia’s aloofness and Candice’s determination, and your description of everything. This is a really great spotlight fic!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13095966/1/The-Man-from-the-Mountain

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13096208/1/Milo-and-the-Big-Six

Sequel to a mammoth fic, so not really viable for reviewing. I’m not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13096289/1/A-somewhat-eventful-trip-through-Hoenn

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[You know that he’s not getting here for another hour right?]

This needs a comma before “right”.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[a girl with blond hair]

You want “blonde”. “Blond” is the masculine form.

[Brendan is one of the strongest trainers In Hoenn.]

Errant capital here.

[“Show us you’re Pokémon”]

You want “your”. “You’re” means “you are”. This is also missing punctuation.

[Instead, he was going around with Professor Birch, helping him host starting trainer events all over Hoenn.

Like the one that was due to happen here in Petalburg in a couple hours. All those kids waiting outside the gates would get their choice of Mudkip, Torchic or Treecko.]

That’s actually not how it works. You get the starters in RSE by accident. Outside of Elm and Sycamore, professors don’t actually make a normal thing of giving out starters to everyone. We’re repeatedly told they’re rare lab pokemon, reinforced by them being impossible to encounter in the wild, which makes it seem unlikely there’d be enough to satisfy demand.

[I smiled and walked out of the kitchen, plate of sandwiches in hand.

This sucks. This grass, that tree, that berry bush. All of it sucked.]

It looks like there’s meant to be a POV switch here, but that’s not at all clear. You should add a scene break marker so we know that something’s changed.

[I had to find a trainer. I had to get strong, strong enough to fend for myself, strong enough to prove to everyone that I wasn’t some pathetic weakling.

I clenched my tiny pale fists as I remembered all those nights of mom telling us horror stories. Of abusive trainers and miserable conditions and all the terrible things that happened when young Pokémon ran away from their parents.

And then I had actually seen one. A Trainer had passed by near our glade. Mom had told me to hide, to remain ignorant of the truth. I had tried, but I slipped and fell out of the tree I was in.]

That doesn’t match up with what we’re told about Ralts at all.

Their pokedex entries say, “Ralts senses the emotions of people using the horns on its head. This Pokémon rarely appears before people. But when it does, it draws closer if it senses that the person has a positive disposition” (Ruby), and “A Ralts has the power to sense the emotions of people and Pokémon with the horns on its head. It takes cover if it senses any hostility” (Emerald). Emerald’s entry implies they in fact do not like fighting and aggression like we’re told most pokemon do, and all their entries make it clear that they can sense people very well. This is backed up by the fact they’re very rare, which implies they’re exceptionally good at avoiding trainers they don’t like.

This all means that this ralts shouldn’t be confused about a trainer’s intentions; she should be able to sense them from the start. She also shouldn’t need her mother to hide her at the last minute. If you want to write a story about a specific pokemon, you need to be thinking about what unique attributes they have and how that would change the story. Right now, this looks like you’re just including a ralts because they’re popular, not because you’re actually interested in their abilities and lore.

[If it’s this young then their Mother should be close by. Getting between a fully grown Gardevoir and her child would be extremely dangerous.]

Gardevoir don’t exist in the wild. There are many headcanons about why that might be, all of which are more interesting than hammering this unique creature into being like every other pokemon.

I like that you have a lot of stuff happening in this chapter, but your characters are incredibly bland and cliché. Even with the addition of a pokemon POV, I don’t see this being significantly more interesting than a standard trainer fic, especially as you’re ignoring a lot of potentially interesting avenues for the pokemon to pigeonhole it into the standard role.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13096297/1/Calem-s-X-Adventure

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13096398/1/My-first-ever-fanfic-Lucario-and-Zoroark-gay-fanfic-Sam-x-Luke

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13097168/1/Eevee-s-first-egg

I’d just like to note that KingPyle has said she’ll stop spamming people if I stop reviewing, yet the moment I do so she starts slandering me before I even get the chance to talk. This is because she does not actually care about anything but nursing a personal grudge. If you’re bothered by the drama, a list of the sockpuppets she’ll use to make more reviews consisting only of yelling about me is on my profile. Otherwise, carry on.

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[the leafs]

You want “leaves”. English is annoying and does not always have consistent pluralization rules.

[Pikachu got to the river]

Think about how silly this sounds. You’re not named “Human”. Your pokemon characters deserve actual names. Yes, I know the Mystery Dungeon games do this. Doesn’t change the fact that it’s silly and confusing.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[The Eevee had a beautiful brown fur with a pink bow on its head.]

Is the eevee an “it” or a “her”? You should keep pronouns consistent.

[“Oh Arceus!]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. There are so many other pokegods that would be more relevant to the specific region this is in.

A new speaker requires a new paragraph.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13096476/1/To-The-Very-End

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing the word “pokemon” itself. However, species names shouldn’t be capitalized either, for the same reasons.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[people and pokemon]

To be clear, you understand this is saying pokemon are not people?

[a pleasent winter afternonn]

Two typos here.

[On the eastern edge of Cass city lies a pokemon center.]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well. Additionally, all parts of a name are capitalized, so it should be “Cass City”.

[It’s destinct red fluorescent lights]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced “ock”, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

[Minccino should be all good to go, make sure if you are gonna be training that you take time to let Minccino warm up, its important that he doesn’t freeze out in this frigid weather.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

I’ll stop pointing out these errors, but know that they are very distracting. You should read up on grammar and get a beta reader to help you if you still have trouble.

[James spoke with concern]

Who is James? You don’t mention this name or even describe a character who could fit it before this.

[The second Mightyena went straight for his left thigh sinking its teeth into tender flesh.]

This should be incapacitating if not immediately fatal. There are critical arteries in the thigh that cause death in seconds if ruptured. It would be more reasonable if they went for his calf instead.

You also say that this is taking place two miles into the forest. There’s no way he should be able to make it back to the city with an injured leg and critical blood loss. For this to work, he would have to be more lightly injured or this would have to be taking place very close to the pokemon center.

Ralts are extremely overused pokemon, and a protagonist just happening to stumble on one right out of the gate is a really tired and Sueish trope. If the specific traits of a ralts aren’t going to be crucial to the story, I really strongly recommend resisting the urge to cram a cool pokemon into the story and use one that’s less common instead. You’re actually likely to get more interest if you use a pokemon that’s less cool but also less common in fanfic.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13096476/2/To-The-Very-End

[I’m not sure of anyone has looked at my previous chapter yet but I decided to make some minor ajustments to my descriptive word choice and the grammer in which they were used, I think i had a little too much “and then this happened”.]

You should really replace the chapter instead of adding a new one when you do this. This is very confusing.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13096515/1/God-mode-enabled

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

[Imagine you wake up in the pokémon anime and you have access to all of your level 100 pokémon. Z-Crystals and Mega Stones come all-inclusive.]

I’d imagine it would be fun to experience but not fun to read about someone else experiencing. Overpowered characters effortlessly beating everything isn’t inherently interesting. Your story does have more to it than that, so I would recommend giving a more detailed summary that hints at details like Sarah’s personality and goals.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon. However, type names shouldn’t be capitalized either, for the same reasons.

[At first glance, Pheromosa appeared to be a pokémon. While technically this was true, it was also false at the same time. It fell into kind of a grey area to be precise. For you see, Pheromosa did not originate from the world of pokémon, but from Ultra Space. Ultra Space can be imagined as another dimension, to give the concise explanation. It was inhabited by a lot of pokémon-like beings, generally referred to as Ultra Beasts. Ultra Beasts shared a lot of traits with pokémon. Examples include: typing, attacks, speech pattern, abilities and more.]

You can assume people reading your fic are familiar with basic details of the setting. It’s better to skip this stuff and get straight to the story.

[“Pheromosa?” the ultra beast repeated her question or possibly asked a completely different one.]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is normally written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Speaking of Pheromosa, she was looking at the young, male human with mild curiosity, eyeing him from top to bottom. She would give the boy a rating inside her mind, but he was just that: a boy. Maybe in a few years, she could consider him as a possible mate for her trainer. Of course, if things went Pheromosa’s way, she’d find a mate for her trainer sooner than that.]

Why does she care? Even if she does, how would an alien being from another universe have any idea what humans’ standards of beauty are?

This is decent, though I feel like you spend a bit too much time on rote description, with not much imagery. You should try to think of ways to both advance the action and describe details at the same time, as difficult as that is.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13096750/1/Pokemon-Pentium

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

[Hunter is a young 12 year old girl eager to begin her Pokemon journey. However, it will not be easy as trials, doubts, and losses will test her resolve to help Red and Bule with Professor Oak’s dream of completing the Pokedex. However, friends, victories, and the joys of being a Pokemon trainer will help her to strive on.]

Similarly, you might want to pick a more original summary. Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

[I an keeping the names of Pokemon capitalized unless referring to a proper name or unless mention a Pokemon in the AN.]

Did you mean “uncapitalized”? You don’t capitalize them in the story body.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[Blond hair sprawled across the bed as a young girl with darker blue eyes rose from her bed]

You want “blonde”. “Blond” is the masculine form.

It’s very awkward to dump physical details like this – it doesn’t sound natural at all. I can see that you’re trying to work it into an action, but the “darker blue eyes” bit still sounds really artificial. It’s generally better to hold off a little and give detailed descriptions after we’ve already been oriented in the scene itself; the reader doesn’t need to know what the character looks like immediately.

[Oh, that’s right, my pokemon journey begins today, She thought]

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. The full rules are: Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[I’ll want my hair to look at it’s best for the Professor]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”. “Professor” also should not be capitalized here, as titles are only capitalized when appended to names.

[Cerulean city]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Cerulean City”.

[there was no arguing with the KSDF. (Kanto Self Defense Force)]

It’d probably be clearer to just write it out the first time; parentheticals are awkward in prose.

[Seriously, professor Oak isn’t going to]

Here the title is appended to a name, so it should be “Professor Oak”.

[Not that I believe I deserve the opportunity to chose first just because I’m a girl, but still. That had always annoyed her when guys did that. While she wasn’t by any means a hater of chivalry, getting to choose first often seemed rather petty in her eyes.]

Awkward shoehorn is awkward. It’s better, and more realistic, to let her show this with her actions in some scenario where it comes up, even if just by reacting in her thoughts – show, don’t tell. I’m also not sure if “petty” is the right word here?

[Often, Kanto and by extension Jhoto had an issue with foreign citizens. Males where often discriminated in school, as well as in entry level jobs and collages. However, guys with special skills, such as her father, faced much less discrimination. Foreign girls, on the other hand, where often hit on and had a higher rate of date requests compared to the ravage native Kantoain girl.]

Is this really necessary? The society in Pokemon seems to be egalitarian by all appearances. I’m dubious of adding in sexism to a setting that’s blessedly free from it for once. (You also want “Johto” and “Kantonian”.)

So do you have a plot for this? The standard badge quest is not a plot. If you’re just trying to novelize the game, you’re going to peter out. That’s not an indictment of your skill, that’s based on years of observation and the fact that the games don’t really have a plot, if we’re being honest. I don’t see much here that can carry a full journey’s worth of story at the moment. If you have an idea for a major addition to the plot, you should hint at it early so people know there’s more to this story than usual. If not… if you just want to write about a trainer going on a journey, it’s a much better idea to skip over the details and do it as a summary, as several stories have done. That’ll let you hit the highlights and the bits you care about without having to deal with the less meaningful connecting bits.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13096772/1/DragonMon-The-Interesting-Adventure-Rewrite

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. Or king.

[When the King of his kind and his music loving friend get thrown unwillingly into another dimension, things don’t start so well. Having to deal with crazy people who want to destroy the world and make money in the process, meeting a Gardevoir with a more than shady past, and meeting old enemies who want his blood… There are quite a few problems to deal with.]

This summary doesn’t actually tell us much more than the story’s genre. What is this actually about?

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[“Speech”

‘Thoughts’]

I guarantee you do not need a speech key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, something has gone more wrong than a key can fix. Additionally, you shouldn’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[some random street scrak. (1)]

While I, too, like footnotes, they’re unfortunately not well-suited to a web document. Footnotes are nice because you can quickly flick your eyes down and then go back without losing your place too much. What you have here are endnotes, which require scrolling all the way to the end of the document, potentially getting spoilers, and then having to scroll back up to find your place again. It’s almost never worth it, in other words. If you crosspost this to Archive of Our Own, you can implement links and anchors, which will make this a lot easier – if you can make it so readers just have to click on the number and can then click back to their original position, the experience will be a lot smoother.

[1: Scrak: (Scr-ack) Various species of large bloated rats, that are known for giving those that come in contact with their slick, greasy fur, various deadly diseases. Often times, the Dragonians use these disease spreading rodents as a form of execution due to some of the diseases they carry result in agonizing death.]

Definitions like these aren’t really necessary, anyway. It’s quite easy to figure these things out through context clues, or just have them come up in the story directly.

[(?’s PoV)]

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context. Labeling mystery POVs is particularly unnecessary.

[I finally achieved my life’s dream; to capture a live dragon.]

This is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here. You want a full colon here.

[“Yes sir! Project K.I.N.G is well contained sir! in fact sir, Project K.I.N.G has not attempted to break out today sir!” The second lackey stated.]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts.

The tone of this speech also does not fit the word “stated”. You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

[“There were no vital readings on the collar whatsoever sir!”]

How are the lackeys too stupid to realize this is noteworthy?

[She was beauty incarnate, fair skin, full lips, and a nice rack to boot.]

If this is the gardevoir mentioned in the summary, gardevoir do not have breasts. Also, while the idea may be that this guy’s dick is shorting out his brain, gardevoir don’t have “fair” skin: their skin looks completely lifeless and devoid of all color. Gardevoir also have a very clearly adult appearance, so it’s not accurate to describe one as a “girl”.

[While I was enjoying the sight of the stunning female in front of me I heard a set of shrill screams, I ran out of the storage room and back to the holding cells]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[Project K.I.N.G is loose, sent in Z-007 and Z-008 on the double.]

I think you meant “send”, not “sent”.

This doesn’t seem to have much to do with Pokemon. You might be better off retooling this as original fantasy.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13096895/1/Darkrai-s-Oracion

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[That is how it has always been-the very reason he stands upon this island now.]

Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[the lengths you did to save humans….and to]

Ellipses are always three dots, never more or less.

[the pastel-colored legendary]

I’m not too fond of using the term “legendaries” in fic. It’s very much a fandom term, as it’s a shorthand for the canon term “legendary pokemon”. It’s also much too general given the actual range of power of legendaries. Legendaries like latios seem to be merely rare beasts, while legendaries like Kyogre are gods, with creatures like Cresselia and Darkrai being somewhere in between.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13097130/1/Warriors

Blocked, previously reviewed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13097202/1/a-friend-for-the-lonesome

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[“I—uh, what?” the girl blurts]

“Blurts” alone doesn’t work as a speech verb – you want “blurts out”.

[You see, coming here, I encountered lots of trainers. My bad luck, y’know? So I kinda defeated them all…”]

I don’t see why that would make the building go empty, though? The trainers are still around and theoretically capable of sounding alarms after they’re beaten. Unless she knocked them all out?

[Really, what does she think he’s going to eat or sleep or get intel if not here?]

It sounds like you meant “where”, not “what”.

[She sounds certain, but you still don’t buy it.]

The rest of the story is in third-person, but you slip into second here.

[“Great!” the girl punches the air.]

Missing capital here.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. Or kahuna, which is not even capitalized in official media.

[Hey, professor Kukui!]

“Professor” is appended to a name here, so it should be capitalized.

[won’t leave kids out sin the open]

Typo?

[If it weren’t yours, I would catch it in an instant!]

That does not sound like something Gladion would like to hear, given that kind of possessiveness is what he’s trying to protect Null from. Like, Type: Null isn’t his, he stole it.

[“Hehe, sorry,” he grins sheepishly.]

The narration should be capitalized separately here.

You also have a few strange issues with periods getting preceded by spaces. Possibly this is a file conversion issue.

Hm. This is well-written, but feels a bit empty – you spoil the twist in the summary, and the story is otherwise just one person effortlessly solving everyone’s problems. I guess it works as wish fulfillment, but I kind of liked the way the characters dealt with their own issues in canon – Lillie escaping on her own shows her strength and proactiveness, for instance. And it’s also kinda weird that Moon just does stuff to make the timeline line up without seeming to think any more deeply on it – like, she seems to give Nebby to Lillie just because she knows that’s what’s supposed to happen, but like, there was kind of a good reason why Nebby needed to be freed from an evil person doing life-threatening experiments on it in the first place. It’s weird that Lillie doesn’t react at all when she seems very concerned about Nebby’s well-being in canon.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13097420/1/Mew-child

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

This is very good! Your characters have great personality and Mel and Repeat have a good dynamic. Your description is clear without feeling overwrought, and you’ve done a good job of introducing what looks to be an unusual plot.

I also particularly like that you’re not having the poke-empath just become a normal trainer like it normally goes. It’s rare to see a protagonist actually dedicated just to helping pokemon. You’re also using the ditto’s abilities very cleverly. This all looks to be a very interesting and well-thought-out story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13097998/1/To-Catch-A-Rainbow-Beautifly

You should tag this story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13098272/1/POKEMON-ULTIMATE

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13098230/1/Pokemon-Syndicate

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[Stabbings, pokemon involved crime, prostitution all things they were used to despite just being fourteen years old.]

I think a word is missing here.

I understand the urge to explain basic information to the reader to set the stage, but opening the story with exposition is actually not a good idea. That’s a summary, not a story. Readers don’t actually need to know this stuff just yet to enjoy the story; things like how the character acts and what they’re doing matter much more in the long run. Show don’t tell, etc. This early on, you should stick to information that is immediately relevant. More minor details can come after readers have gotten invested.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

Generally, I really recommend getting a beta reader to help with your grammar. This isn’t unreadable, but it has a lot of errors that distract from the story.

This is a bit insubstantial for a first chapter. I don’t really see where the story is going from here. So they’re going to start a gang, but… how? Is this going to play out like a normal journey fic or is there going to be more to it? Hilbert and Hilda don’t have very strong personalities so far, which is going to make it hard for them to carry the story, and the way you cover a lot of events by summarizing them makes the story feel flat overall.

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