[17] The Other Pokereviews, Part 159

Pokegirls, anti-Plasma propaganda, and a whole lot of meh.

Anime: 5

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13652409/1/Sylveon-s-Interlude

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[A part of that is because of the fairy-typing; most fairies are very sweet creatures save for a few exceptions such as Mawile.]

Uh, Swirlix? Impidimp? Fairy-types are not actually very sweet. They take inspiration from old-school faeries, who are cruel just as often as they are kind.

[I try not to hurt people or Pokemon.]

You do understand this is saying pokemon are not people? Because it is very, very weird for a pokemon to be thinking that.

I feel this story is really emblematic of fandom’s blind spots when it comes to pokemon and training. Despite ostensibly being about Sylveon (who does not even get a name, I note), in actuality it revolves entirely around their trainer. “But my trainer never gave up, pushing us all further and further until we were exhausted. He was probably exhausted, too, but none of us bothered to think about that.” – why are his pokemon the selfish ones for not considering the possibility of much minor exhaustion on his part, and not him for pushing them to very definite exhaustion? “Champion was what our trainer wanted. We wanted it too and we worked hard for it” – why? What does a pokemon get out of the championship? It’s the trainer that gets the title and the fame.

What exactly is so great about Green that Sylveon is willing to abandon their previous family, follow him to the ends of the earth, and harm other pokemon for his sake? All you show here is that he cares so much about training (a selfish pursuit that benefits only him) to the point he’s willing to abuse his pokemon to get it, and that he was nice to Sylveon once when they were young. That doesn’t paint a very convincing picture of someone worth devotion.

This story is about a pokemon that has no independent will or desires; they exist wholly as an extension of their trainer. If you want to write about a pokemon perspective, you need to treat them as their own character and think about them as an independent person.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13652540/1/Still-Gotta-Catch-Em-All

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[Ash’s daughter is going to need some companions for her Pokémon journey, so feel free to submit a character to me if you fancy it. Just drop me a PM- I love submitted characters!]

This is a very, very bad idea.

More than half of all SYOC fic fails. That is not hyperbole; starting in 2016, I followed every SYOC fic in Pokemon. More than half of them were deleted, and less than one percent have successfully concluded. This is because that while it might seem like it’s harder to think up characters than have someone else do it for you, it’s actually far more work to try to figure out how to write a random batch of personalities and backstories, then figure out how you can make them fit into your story and get along with each other. If you make up characters based on what you need for your story, it’s not only a much better story for it, it’s easier to do. Even as just cameos, people are likely to get frustrated at how you wrote their character or that you didn’t give them enough screentime; it’s not worth the hassle.

If you just want general inspiration, it’s better to check out lists of public OCs and find ones that you know will work well with the story. Here’s one: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/128021680/1/Character-Bio-Thread

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13652580/1/Pokemon-Adventures-Hoenn

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13652640/1/ember-s-Jurney

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

It is incredibly rude and insulting to your readers that you thought this mess was acceptable to post. Put a bare minimum of effort into this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13652714/1/Frigid-Destiny

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13652803/1/Now-and-Forever

Blocked, previously reviewed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13652835/1/Legendary-Scuffle

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13653044/1/Pokemon-Journeys-Trials-of-the-Kanto-Region

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

[TBC]

This is unnecessary; the next chapter button serves the same purpose.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13653046/1/On-The-Run-Solar

Script format is banned on this site, and as such this story is at risk for deletion. You should switch to prose format.

It is incredibly rude and insulting to your readers that you thought this mess was acceptable to post. Put a bare minimum of effort into this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13653149/1/Heartstrings

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. Or people.

We really don’t need a paragraph explaining what pokemon are. Everyone reading this is already familiar with basic setting details.

[That region; only a small island where the countryside and industrial inventions thrived in harmony, was where the story began.]

This is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here. This semicolon should be a comma.

You’re making a lot of very weird punctuation errors throughout this. Are you not a native speaker? I would recommend reading up on comma and punctuation usage and getting a beta reader to help you.

[A well known, well respected]

“Well-known” and “well-respected”, like other compound adjectives, should be hyphenated.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[One of the boys, a blonde child]

You want “blond”. “Blonde” is the feminine form. Blame French.

I feel like this spends an unnecessary amount of time on setup. I don’t see why we can’t start with Ivy at 18; the scene where she runs away already makes her home situation and her reasons for leaving pretty clear. In many cases, it’s actually stronger to leave some things as only implied or alluded to, to allow the reader to fill in the gaps themselves.

And as a result, this is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. This chapter, despite being incredibly long, is all backstory, and ends before Ivy starts actual pokemon training, the supposed plot of the story. This is another reason why it’s a good idea to avoid front-loading your story with too much setup.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13653169/1/Pokemon-team-love

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[a Zora]

That would be the name of the merpeople race in The Legend of Zelda. You want “Zorua”. If you’re unsure how a pokemon name is spelled, you should look it up.

You have something really weird going on with your spacing.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13653331/1/Pink

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

This is a funny joke, but I thought Opal made it clear that she considered “pink” a state of mind, not just a color? Bede’s coat is more of a magenta, anyway.

This also raises interesting questions about consent and entrapment. If Bede hates this so much, why doesn’t he leave? Can the gym leader just force anyone to be their successor, even if they don’t want to?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13653421/1/Ash-s-Adventure-Girls-Hunter-Edition

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Additionally, I’m not sure why you’re spelling “pokemon” with CamelCaps, as that spelling isn’t used in any official media I’ve seen and looks incredibly bizarre besides.

[he was only ten years old, after all]

…So is this going to be underage in addition to everything else? Please tag for that.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13653552/1/Pokemon-Rising-Melody

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[holding it’s Pokemon League]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[Follow Hibiki, a young starting trainer, as she and a mysterious Meloetta that she meet and rescued through the Alaria region as a familiar threat to the world reappears.]

The second half of this sentence is very clunky and confusing. I’d recommend rewording, and possibly splitting it into multiple sentences.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[Somewhere on the outskirts of the Alaria region, night time…]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Before she could use what she was preparing, the Honchcrow dived at it and hit it, knocking it to the ground.]

You appear to switch from “she” pronouns for Meloetta to “it” here, which is extremely confusing. Try to be consistent.

[Meloetta, thinking quickly, used Protect to generate a barrier around itself just as the Luxio used Fire Fang. It then used Psychic and launched the Luxio towards Krystal, knocking them both down.]

You should provide more description than just naming the move. Since this is a less rigid medium than a video game, you can afford to be more creative in your descriptions, and you probably shouldn’t have to explicitly name the move at all.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“Let her go, I want to chase this thing a little more.” Wolf told Sawsbuck. His Sawsbuck compiled and lifted it’s foot off the Meloetta, much to the shock of his compatriots and the Meloetta.

“Wolf, if I may be so kind to ask, and no offense to you, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING!?” Krystal yelled at her superior officer.]

That is my reaction as well. This is a nonsensical decision that his response completely fails to justify in any way. This feels like it’s a cheap excuse to drag out the plot. If it’s important that the meloetta gets away, you can just start with that scene.

[Ok, would you like to do the honours?]

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced “ock”, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

[gave a toothy brin]

I think you mean “grin” here.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13653619/1/Faithlessness

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[“Eat Conkelldur Shit,” the lettering boldly exclaimed to the masses]

It’s generally a good idea for symbols to denote unique meaning; so, signs and lettering should have a different format than the quotes used for dialogue. All caps or italics are standard.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[He just had one more finishing touch to add. He delved into the pocket of his jeans and took out another can of black spray paint. He could leave his message, of course, but it would mean nothing for him if the cowed masses didn’t know who had written it. He depressed the nozzle and waved the canister in the air, spraying more of the black, toxic aerosol onto the marble. He coughed as he took a deep breath, having chosen to forsake any sort of covering for his face.]

Notice that all of these sentences have the same starting word (“he”), and all but one start with “He [verbed]”. This repetitive structure can sound stilted and awkward. I would recommend rephrasing some of this.

[people and Pokémon]

You do understand this is saying pokemon are not people?

[The Church of N preached peace. Peace for people and peace for Pokémon. Their mission was to see that all Pokémon under the ownership of trainers were released back into the wild where they could live on their own, away from controlling trainers who forced them to battle. Lincoln, however, saw through their bullshit. Pokémon liked to battle. Well, some of them did at least. Others were companions or pets or such, but Pokémon that battled did so because they wanted to.]

So I’m guessing that answer to that is “yes”.

My answer to this argument is always the same: If pokemon can leave at any time, show me a single one who does. I can’t think of a single example.

It is always extremely, extremely dubious when a majority group who benefits from their treatment of a minority insists that that voiceless (literally, in this case) minority group totally consents to their treatment and is totally fine with everything. Trainers do not get to decide if their pokemon want to battle, or even if they want to be “companions or pets or such”, only the pokemon does.

I would recommend a look at the stories “Let It Ring” and “the envy of eden” for more on this topic, and why this subject is much more complex than you make it out to be here.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13653865/1/Team-Rainbow-Rocket-The-Gathering-of-the-Army

Blocked, new user.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13653954/1/Endeavor

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13654226/1/To-Go-Beyond-Your-Limit

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[Pallet Town.]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

You have a ton of punctuation errors that make this very hard to follow. Please read up on the topic and get a beta reader to help you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13653254/1/30-Percent-A-New-Beginning

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[August 21’st 2019, 9:30 AM US Central time.]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring. (You also don’t need an apostrophe in 21st.)

While pokemon names shouldn’t be capitalized in-universe, if a character from our world is referring to the franchise, it is capitalized, since it’s a registered trademark.

[He’d always had that sort of silly dream, it’s why he read those stories]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

You have a lot of similar punctuation errors throughout. I’d recommend reading up on sentence structure.

[It got to the point to get some of the fantasies out of his head he started to dabble in the stories themself.]

Should that be “himself”?

[He pauses a moment, yes, yes he has powers and he knows how to use at least one of them.]

How? You don’t explain how he suddenly knows this.

You really shouldn’t change POV style within a story, it’s very jarring.

Ellipses are always three dots, never more or less.

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced “ock”, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

Brian is the only character of these five who interests me. Everyone else’s bits are very cliché and generic, and it’s tiring to have them all express confusion in the exact same way when we already know what’s going on. Brian is interesting, though, because he’s the only one who not only doesn’t freak out but actively enjoys his transformation. As someone who also enjoys transhumanism, I would be curious to see how his story progresses. But not anyone else’s, really.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13654257/1/Starlit-Dreams

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[A Pokemon journey throughout Unova turns into so much more as Jade and her friend-turned-rival, Nate, encounter Team Plasma, the mysterious N, and the legendary pokemon duo Zekrom and Reshiram…]

Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

Why doesn’t her rufflet have a name?

[“I’m up,” I smile back.]

When narration doesn’t describe how dialogue is said, it’s its own sentence and is punctuated accordingly. So this should be [“I’m up.” I smile back.]

[Oh, Arceus. ]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”.

[“Go! Use tackle!”

“Dodge it!” I cry, lurching forward as Tepig sprints sideways, ambling to dodge the attack but failing. Snivy’s small body slams into Tepig’s side, sending Tepig sliding into the bushes.]

There’s a disjoint here in that you don’t describe the actual attack, and you don’t describe it the next time either. What exactly is Tepig dodging? It’s not enough to just drop the attack name – since this is a non-visual medium, you’ll need to describe it.

Similarly, the battle as a whole is very mechanical, mostly a clean back-and-forth of attacks. There is no interaction with the environment and barely even any mention of it; they may as well be fighting in the games’ white void. There’s no creative use of attacks, combos, pressed assaults, meaningful defensive maneuvers, or exploiting weaknesses (by which I mean not like type matchups but physical stuff like “they hesitate when leading with their left foot, so keep to their left side and target their leg”). Look at how the anime portrays its battles, and that will give you an idea of the kinds of things you’ll need to incorporate to make battles engaging.

[Cheren steps forward, reaches into his pocket to reveal a potion. “Here you go, Tepig, drink up-“]

Potions aren’t drunk. They’re spray bottles, presumably applied directly to the wound.

Your dialogue formatting is starting to get inconsistent. Remember, dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This is decently-written, but… The Pokemon games are not well-suited to novelizations, as their plots are largely just vehicles for making you fight a bunch of battles which, while cool in a game where you’re actually playing through them, are not interesting to read about. If you want to make a story out of it, you’ll need to diverge heavily from canon and introduce a ton of unique elements of your own. Notice how the anime and manga did this, and note also that they were still visual media that could fall back on cool, flashy battles, while you won’t be able to. Do you have some unique spin on the game’s plot, some unusual interpretation of the setting you want to explore? Try focusing on that.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13654344/1/My-Friend-Eevee

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13654498/1/Fall-From-Grace

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[-End-]

This isn’t necessary; the next chapter button serves the same purpose.

There… isn’t much to this. This is an interesting concept, but a concept alone isn’t really a story. This feels incomplete.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13654694/1/Ash-Ketchum-the-Half-Ghost-Knight-Hero

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. Don’t post until you have story content.

This should be in the crossovers section.

I’m not sure why you’re capitalizing every word.

 

One Comment

  1. CrazyEd says:

    Uh, Swirlix? Impidimp? Fairy-types are not actually very sweet. They take inspiration from old-school faeries, who are cruel just as often as they are kind.

    Ironically, mawhile is based on the futakuchi-onna, who is usually portrayed as quite a decidedly malevolent creature.

     Lincoln, however, saw through their bullshit.

    At least this much is accurate to the established worldbuilding. Unova welcomes all different kinds of opinions, unless they’re ones they disagree with.

    2

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