I also dipped into Gravity Falls while reviewing Undertale for some variety. I found nothing but Bill/Dipper fic as far as the eye can see, often in bizarre AUs that have nothing to do with canon. And apparently there are over 100 Dipper/Mabel fics because there is no God. What is wrong with this fandom.
Be warned, as this takes place in my Trustworthy AU and not within the real continueity of the show.
It is generally courteous to provide an explanation on AUs, to ground your readers. I have no idea what this AU is, so I have no idea how your story is supposed to work.
Also, it’s “continuity”. Spellcheck. Errors in your summary are something you want to avoid at all costs, since the summary is the first impression people will have of your story.
It was the beginning of the December after Bill had nearly caused the end of the world. The Pines Twins were living with their two grunkles in the Mystery Shack, along with Bill, who was still going steady with Dipper.
So… wait, Bill still caused the apocalypse in this AU, but he’s also in a happy positive relationship with Dipper? How? What? I don’t… I don’t understand.
“Twins” also should not be capitalized here.
You’re overusing unusual speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever trendy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.
a letter from mom and dad
When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.
they managed to make time in their schedules to be with us the twenty-fourth and twenty-fifth
??? I think you dropped a word here.
“Well, it’s a pagan and Nordic holiday celebrating that the shortest day of the year is over,” Bill began. “Then, Christians stole it and made it about their god given mortal form, even though, they had no idea when he was born, and then Santa Claus stole it, and now it’s all about him, so, I assume it’s a holiday about stealing?”
This is cute, and very Bill.
[Deleted]
Your summary is completely incoherent. Try harder and get a beta reader. Quotes are generally not good things to use as summaries in the first place.
This is far too short for a first chapter, especially since it’s just repeating a scene everyone is familiar with. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader — in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading.
Just Read It :)
No. Learn to write summaries.
This is a mess. Try harder.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.
This doesn’t seem to have anything to do with Gravity Falls. The characters are all OCs who happen to share the names of the cast. You’d be better off publishing this as original fiction with an “inspired by” label on the top.
Ford was pointing a gun at Dipper’s head, finger hovering over the trigger.
Uh, why? Killing people isn’t the only way to force Bill out of a body, and Ford should know that. The smart thing to do would be to tranq everybody. Manufacturing drama by making everyone act like idiots really undercuts the drama.
the only thing to do is find out where Bill is and kill him while he’s human!
Since when is Bill made vulnerable by possessing people? If he was I don’t think he’d be so quick to mangle Dipper’s body.
“I just..I don’t know..”
Ellipses are always three dots, never two or four.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.
“Heheh…hahaha…HEHAHAHAHAHA. YOU MISSED.”
…So what, did he only have two bullets or did Bill just decide to suicide by cop?
At this point, I gave in to the Dark Side. Commencing operation TAKE BACK THE FALLS: THE AUs SHALL FALL BEFORE MY FURY.
[Deleted]
“You’ll have to ask her yourself,” Candy giggled
When a speech tag doesn’t contain a speech verb, it’s considered its own sentence and the dialogue needs to end in a period.
This doesn’t seem to have anything to do with Gravity Falls. The “Bill” in this story is an OC who happens to share a name with a canon character. You’d be better off publishing this as original fiction with an “inspired by” label on the top.
brunette […] blonde
These are the feminine forms; the male forms are “brunet” and “blond”. But hair colors are poor epithets to use and you should avoid them in general.
even the partial save of his eyesight with the small reading glasses he remembered he brought along was nothing much with the extended use a certain Dipper Pines overexerted.
I don’t understand what the first part is trying to say, and the last part is itself overextended. This is a breathless sentence; you need to condense it or split it into multiple parts.
This doesn’t seem to have anything to do with Gravity Falls. The characters are all OCs who happen to share the names of the cast. You’d be better off publishing this as original fiction with an “inspired by” label on the top.
Your sentences are clunky and you have a lot of run-ons. I’d recommend getting a beta reader.
This doesn’t seem to have anything to do with Gravity Falls. You just seem to be retreading the plot of Maleficent while giving everyone the names of Gravity Falls characters. At the very least, this should be labeled as a crossover.
This… really doesn’t seem to have anything to do with Gravity Falls. It looks like an original setting where the characters happen to share the names of the Gravity Falls cast. You’d be better off publishing this as original fiction with an “inspired by” label on the top.
This author threw a fit and deleted my comments, but not before directing me to some other victims:
Dipper wasn’t one for silver screen
You seem to have dropped either a “the” or a pluralization here.
The Roaring Twenties
Hm, did people call it that while they were in the middle of it? Most historical names are applied after the period in which they took place.
The one poised to shoot was the youngest, the other two were much taller and stockier, but you could tell by the way the others regarded him that he was in charge.
This is a run-on sentence. The general you also sounds odd in third-person narration; “one” or “Dipper” would sound better here.
Now that the initial shock of been held at gunpoint
[…]
Now was a good a time as any
[…]
Mr.Pines
Got some typos here.
Hm. I’ve seen a lot of “AUs” that are really just original fiction, but I think this actually does a good job of preserving the characters’ personalities in a different setting. Bill seems a lot more straightforward and easily flustered than in canon, but he’s still reasonably in-character. My only real sticking point is that he seems too nice; canon Bill is a hedonist who seems to enjoy torturing people for kicks, so it seems unlikely he’d bother deescalating the situation and saving Dipper.
Mindscape Bay
Why is it called that? In canon “the mindscape” is a description; if this place doesn’t have lots of weird psychic stuff, there’s no reason for it to be called that, which in turn makes it look like you’re shoehorning this in to create a very forced connection to canon.
Her cotton dressed swished
[…]
the others cheek
Got some typos here.
both questioningly stared at their newly arrived Captain.
When a title isn’t used in place of or as part of a name, it shouldn’t be capitalized.
“I got an errand for ya, kid,” he said, “Get to the market and find some earplugs for us, aye?”
And “he said” should end with a period here, since it completes a sentence.
“Come on, Dip-dop,” she grabbed his hand
Similarly, sentences with non-speaking verbs are independent clauses, so the dialogue should end with a period here.
letting the merchants’ yells, the white noise of the crowd and the distant crash of waves on rocks wash over him
Lists need commas for every item, so there should be a comma after “crowd”.
He was so lost in thought, rehashing the previous events in his head over and over again, that he failed to notice the frankly outlandish kid barreling towards him.
This feels rushed – I presume the “outlandish kid” is a character we know, but with no description it’s impossible to tell, and makes the scene hard to visualize regardless.
his other grunkle’s journals
Huh? You refer to Ford as the grandfather earlier.
tales in various port towns depict a siren’s kiss to be able to give a sailor the ability to breathe underwater, as well as talk and understand marine wildlife. However, nobody has actually ever been kissed, so the point is moot.
Not… really? It’s unconfirmed, but that doesn’t make it irrelevant. It might be true but require a special trick Ford never discovered, or Ford could suspect it’s made up since there are no confirmed cases, but it doesn’t make sense for him to say it doesn’t matter at all.
I have never encountered a siren
Wait, then how does he know any of this? In canon he knew everything about the monsters because he studied and observed them directly; if he’s just working off of hearsay none of this stuff is reliable.
both Grunkle and Grandpa Stan
But you’ve already referred to both of them as uncles??? I’m confused. Did you write this assuming one of them was the grandfather and edited the references out after that theory was jossed?
Hm. I’ve seen a lot of “AUs” that are really just original fiction, but I think this actually does a good job of preserving the characters’ personalities in a different setting, though I’ll have to see more of Dipper and Bill to be sure of that. Otherwise, the story seems a bit lacking in description; it’s good in some places but sparse in others, making it hard to visualize some scenes.
“Where’s Mabel?” He sounded panicked.
How can Dipper hear him with the earplugs? The reason earplugs protect people from sirens isn’t because they’re magic, it’s because they literally prevent you from hearing anything. I assumed that the reason they didn’t work on the sirens was because the songs were magic and bypassed the earplugs, but clearly the earplugs can’t even block mundane sound. He really should have tested them before this.
Instead, he found himself in the arms of a completely different creature, one he already knew well.
Who? Bill?
The silver siren clicked
What silver siren? Again, you need to describe things more clearly and pay attention to what information you have and haven’t already provided.
He started to blackout
You want “black out”. “Blackout” is a noun.
the sirens arms
Forgot the apostrophe.
“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t shoot you right here, right now,” said the Captain.
That’s unfathomably stupid when sirens’ superpower is voice-based mind control. For all he knows, he’ll be enraptured the moment Bill opens his mouth. He shouldn’t be willing to take that chance.
Bill’s rescue seems extremely Deus ex Machina-y, and it’s extremely OOC for him to be philanthropic, so I’m not sure what you’re trying to do here. I presume he has an ulterior motive?
The kid’s bangs had cleared away from his forehead as the bubbles pushed them upwards, revealing a ridiculously large birthmark shaped exactly like one of those constellations Arnold was so fond of.
It was a very distinctive feature.
People didn’t have distinctive features.
People didn’t include this boy.
Bill pushed him away and out of the water. He might not have been the most self-preserving fish in the sea, but he knew when he was biting off more than he could chew. And just then? He had almost tried to swallow a whole freakin’ whale.
Unless the twist is going to be that Dipper is totally mundane and Bill completely misread this, this reads as an incredibly sueish cop-out. The birthmark doesn’t seem to be supernatural in canon, so it feels like foul play to make it mean something totally different, especially something that’s so beneficial for the heroes.
He couldn’t save everyone after all.
Why does he care about saving everyone? We just learned he’s purely self-motivated here.
Bill tackled the other siren out of way before he could reach Shooting Star.
Why does he refer to her with this epithet? You justified it for Dipper, but Bill hasn’t mentioned anything that would explain the moniker for Mabel.
He stared at Pine Tree whilst his legs gave out
Who does “his” refer to in this sentence? I presume Dipper since sirens have tails, but the structure makes it unclear.
Bill’s heart lurched inside of him, leaving him confused and concerned for his health. That couldn’t be normal.
It definitely isn’t, because in canon he seems totally incapable of compassion or empathy. If you’re giving him a functional conscience, that’s a major change to his personality that runs the risk of making him completely OOC.
He panted, out of breath
Underwater? Think about what you’re writing.
While the siren hadn’t had the most pleasant of histories with wizards and witches, he had to make sure the boy didn’t die on the island
Why does he care? He’s just established that Dipper isn’t actually a threat, and even if he’s not certain, he can confirm it pretty easily soon. Unless death curses activate automatically even for untrained wizards, he has no reason to care about Dipper’s survival – and even then, Bill doesn’t have to worry if something else kills Dipper, since the something else is what’ll get cursed. If he’s only looking out for himself, he needs a better reason for sticking around – fearing his pack’s retribution more than the humans’ distrust, perhaps?
At this point the author flipped out at me. I was surprised, because most of the chapters were plastered with author’s notes asking for advice and corrections. I told them to remove them if this was no longer what they wanted; six months later, they’re still there. I wonder how long it’ll take for this to happen again.
Lets check out the Gift Shop!
Typo.
This doesn’t have much to do with Gravity Falls. Dipper and Bill are both OCs who happen to share the names of the cast. You’d be better off publishing this as original fiction with an “inspired by” label on the top.
What even. The BillDip fandom makes less sense — and gets creepier — the more I try to understand it.
No one survived a run in with the Dreamscape or it’s captain, but witnesses say it couldn’t have been more unnatural.
If no one survives a run-in with them, how can there be witnesses to describe their methods? Think about what you’re writing.
Also, you want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.
“Then let’s go capture some madmen.” Mabel stated.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.
When you quote inside a quote, you use single quotes instead of double quotes; otherwise, the reader will be confused about where the dialogue ends. (If you quote inside a quote inside a quote, you go back to double quotes.)
This doesn’t seem to have anything to do with Gravity Falls. The characters are all OCs who happen to share the names of the cast. You’d be better off publishing this as original fiction with an “inspired by” label on the top.
[Deleted]
Don’t expect it to be good, the spelling may be correct (I think…) but the grammars are horrible and I only made a story once.
Your grammar is indeed horrible, and it makes your story incomprehensible. I can barely understand what’s going on. I would recommend you take a crash course on grammar and get a beta reader to help you with anything you still have trouble with.
From what I can understand, this doesn’t seem to have anything to do with Gravity Falls, even by the standard of AUs. The characters are all OCs who happen to share the names of the cast. You’d be better off publishing this as original fiction with an “inspired by” label on the top.
Mabel surely was in high school now, learning interesting stuff, having fun, maybe she even found a boyfriend. He hoped this boy would really care about her and that he never hurt her, she didn’t deserve it.
The second sentence here is awkwardly worded and hard to parse. Saying “this boy” is odd when he’s talking about a hypothetical – “if she did, then he hoped…” would make more sense. The second part is also a comma splice – you need to split the sentence in two or use a different transition.
Your sentence construction is wonky in general. I’d recommend you get a beta reader to help you, or just read up on comma usage.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.
his Master
Titles such as “master” are only capitalized if they’re part of a person’s name; here, it’s a common noun, and thus shouldn’t be capitalized.
You’re getting better at brewing my tea, pine tree
Nicknames, however, should be capitalized like names.
This isn’t much of a story. It ends very abruptly, leaving me unclear on what exactly is going on. I also don’t know why you tagged it as Bill/Dipper, since their relationship doesn’t seem terribly romantic.
So do people think that any form of interaction at all counts as a relationship for the purposes tag systems now? Or was it always this nonsensical and I’ve just been blissfully unaware over in the gen fic section?
Actual fic! It’s a miracle.
This is adorable. The way you write Mabel is very true to the show and true to kids in general. The humor and tone in general is reminiscent of the show, just like you intended.
There was nothing on TV but a 24-hour weather update (“Rain,” the weatherman said flatly. “It’s raining. And it will rain more.”)
And this hilarious.
Her favorite was one she’d found in a neighbor’s garden that had a silly face painted on it
Over the Garden Wall reference?
“Huh – what?” he slapped the yellow pad of paper
However, the “he” should be capitalized here; when dialogue is followed by a sentence with a non-speaking verb, the narration is considered its own sentence.
her bed,.
Typo.
This continues to be excellent, and I like the focus on Mabel – we don’t often see her directly involved with the supernatural in the show. I do wonder if this section would be better off as part of your first chapter, though – you generally want to include your premise and inciting event right off the bat to hook your readers.
He (and it was definitely a he. She wasn’t sure how she knew but there was no doubt in her mind that the little dragon was male)
This is weird, though – why does she think this? I guess she does spring on calling Waddles by male pronouns, so does she just like to assume her pets are male?
It is generally considered courteous to provide an explanation of the AU you’re using, to ground your readers. You mention a lot of AUs in the tags that I’ve never heard of before, which is pretty intimidating. Even though the narration does explain a lot of the rules in the opening, I still have no idea what canon you’re drawing on, if any.
Grunkle Lee still has a few scars to prove it.
You’re generally consistent about calling them “great grunkles” but you slipped up here.
pissed off a witch or a demon, or maybe marry a witch or demon and then maybe piss them off.
You seem to have lost track of your tenses here.
the’ awesomest set’
And one of those quotes seems to have gotten away from you.
Mabel pulled on a lock of her hair, “Can you…?”
When narration contains a non-speaking verb, it’s considered a separate sentence from the dialogue, so “Mabel pulled on a lock of her hair” should end with a period.
The shift between conversational first-person and detailed account of scenes is really weird. The narrator talks like they were at the scenes they reference even though they clearly weren’t, and even then people don’t usually remember details like the exact words people said.
While this is interesting, it really doesn’t seem to have much to do with Gravity Falls, even by the standards of AUs. The characters do have similarities to the canon cast, but their backgrounds and personalities have still been changed so much that they’re effectively OCs. This reads more like an original work.
[These are the feminine forms; the male forms are “brunet” and “blond”]
That’s reeks of British classism. Americans would never put up with such nonsense involving silent letters.
-e = feminine is a French thing, actually.