[24] Undertale Reviews, Part 11


Little Steps

And now, a what-if-the-monsters-were-human AU, also known as a “what if we removed everything that made this story unique” AU. I’ve been avoiding these, but since I’ve gone on the warpath in Gravity Falls, I figure I may as well start poking these too.

It wasn’t that it was colder than their parents’ home, though. Just a different kind of cold. A physical cold instead of the overwhelming presence of their biological parents either not caring or just wanting to get rid of them.

This is ridiculously melodramatic. It’s the sort of thing a philosopher would say, not a desperate kid who actually has to grapple with physical danger.

Giving them something to do when most kids would be spending quality time with their mothers and fathers.

This is a sentence fragment.

“…. Frisk.”

Ellipses are always three dots, never two or four.

This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. I can grasp the basic premise, but there is no information on what the actual story direction is going to look like.

Chapter 2

“Hello, Ms. Dreemur.” The female voice on the other end responded.

You’re generally writing dialogue correctly, but you used a period instead of a comma here.

A lot of this, particularly the opening paragraphs, reads more like a summary than a story. That’s a surefire way to make your readers’ eyes glaze over – the maxim “show, don’t tell” applies pretty strongly here.

Chapter 3

One thing that made them uneasy for one reason or another, however, was the houseplant right in the foyer. It was nothing too special, really; a yellow flower with a long stem kept nice and safe in a pot. Frisk wasn’t entirely sure what was so unsettling about it, really; by all means, it just looked like a normal flower. In their little fantasy world, they imagined it with a friendly face that could turn terrifying at any given moment… they would call it Flowey and it would be the only truly bad monster in the entire Underground.

This is impossible to take seriously. You’re trying way too hard to jam a square peg into a round hole. “It was all in their head!” AUs have also been done to death already and weren’t interesting the first time.

Even by the standards of AUs, this doesn’t seem to have anything to do with Undertale. So far the characters bear only tangential similarities to the canon cast; they could be replaced by OCs and the story would still make perfect sense. You’d be better off publishing this as original fiction with an “inspired by” label on the top.

recurrence

This is well-written, but…

No one needed to shoulder the knowledge he did but him.

I’m not sure what this sentence is trying to say.

Even if he can’t do anything to help him.

Also, why can’t he? There’s nothing physically preventing Sans from turning Frisk to paste as soon as they walk out the door. The reason he doesn’t do that in canon is because he can’t remember past timelines and thus never works up the nerve until it’s too late – but if he’s had 30+ timelines to ruminate on this, I don’t understand why he still chooses not to do anything.

This is why I’m so insistent that Sans can’t remember resets: if he can, then all his reasons for waiting until the end are stripped away, making him complicit in Chara’s murder spree.

Quiet

A drabble is a story consisting of exactly 100 words. It’s a writing exercise, not a word for any short story.

There were times when she remembered the quiet of the Ruins-nights where

Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

she was stuck only with thoughts of whether or decision had been correct

“her decision”, I think. You have a lot of small errors like this; you should proofread more thoroughly, and maybe get a beta reader.

Otherwise, this is very nice.

the empress

This is excellent.

he asks you what it’s called and without missing a beat you tell him it’s The Most Important Royal Position, and he lights up like a decorated tree.

Especially this.

Underfell [Deep shit]

It is generally considered courteous to provide an explanation of the AU you’re using, to ground your readers. If I had never heard of Underfell before, I would have no idea what was going on here.

This is incoherent. I have no idea what’s going on, and it reads like it’s starting in the middle of a larger story.

Not everyone is happy

“my coffee went down the wrong way, that’s all.” He explained.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

“It’s unusual for a joke to go un-laughed at around here. Are you OK?”

Toriel never uses contractions. Furthermore, it’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

“…”

This is a visual art convention that doesn’t work in prose.

This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. This ends before any plot happens, so I have no idea what makes it different than the dozens of other stories with the exact same premise.

Shattering

So I know this is probably one of the more used AU’s of Undertale; Asriel surviving instead of dying.

You’d be surprised, actually. I’ve looked at every single fic posted to the category up until now, and this is the first time I’ve seen this AU.

That is until they started attacking him, he had felt panic overtake him, and he’d suddenly accidentally have hit a human.

I’m having trouble parsing this. You need to reword it so it’s clearer.

The looks on their faces still haunted him, he shook his head weakly

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

“m-mom…! Dad!”

Forgot to capitalize “Mom” here. You have many similar errors; you should proofread more thoroughly, and maybe get a beta reader.

-just telling them that they left-

This style of dash runs the risk of confusion, as it’s also used for emphasis in some circles. You should place spaces on both sides of the dashes to avoid ambiguity.

This is an interesting idea, but this is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. Note that the only other comment you have is “This is interesting, write more.” You’ve only barely introduced the premise, so readers don’t have a good idea of what the rest of the story will be like.

[Deleted]

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is frustrating and manipulative.

their outwardly courage

This doesn’t make sense; “outwardly” is meant to modify an adjective, not a noun. “Outward courage” or “outwardly courageous [something]” would make more sense.

stale for time

“stall”

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

Monsters themselves have incredible emotional strength

That should be “had”, I’m pretty sure.

emotionlessy

Typo.

I’m not sure what the first and second sections have to do with each other.

heart heavy

Underworld

Underground.

While it seemed like a good idea that he stayed in their home forever, till he too was dust, Papyrus probably would have been very displeased. Sans would have made a mess. Papyrus wouldn’t have wanted a mess, not after how clean he had kept their home.

D: This is really sad.

She released a new policy, a statement distributed by magic to the masses; all humans were to be protected.

A semicolon doesn’t work here; you need a full colon.

Their King

Unless titles are used as part of names, they’re not proper nouns and shouldn’t be capitalized.

“I’m glad,” Toriel said, and Sans’ ache lessened, just a little bit, “I quite missed your yolks.”

Toriel never uses contractions. Also, when dividing two complete sentences of dialogue with narration, the narration ends with a period, since it completes a sentence. So this should be [“I’m glad,” Toriel said, and Sans’ ache lessened, just a little bit. “I quite missed your yolks.”]

He smiled up at her; that was just how he was; then looked away, keeping silent.

Semicolons don’t work here. You need dashes.

she fell to her knees to gather him in a hug, like he was doing her a favour, “I would lovethat!

Missing space. Also, when the narration around dialogue doesn’t contain a speech verb, it’s a separate sentence and doesn’t need to be connected with a comma.

a change of their lives…resetting

Chance?

I’m ok

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

This is very sad and nice. I appreciate that you’re capitalizing Sans’ dialogue.

Smallness

This is excellent.

It’s an uncomfortable feeling, like the loss of something you never had in the first place.

And this is a clever description.

Their Savior, Frisk

the shadow not fully able to describe

I’m having trouble parsing this. “The shadow that couldn’t be fully described” would work, but is pretty overwrought.

it’s mouth

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

It didn’t quite make sense to you

Who is “you”? Did you switch from second-person to third when writing this? Proofread.

when the mother was Freshman

Dropped a word here, also “freshman” isn’t a proper noun and thus shouldn’t be capitalized.

If you need anything, please call Stacy,” the neighbor, “We won’t be able to do anything else we’re so busy!”

When two complete sentences of dialogue are divided by narration, the narration ends with a period, since it ends a sentence. So this should be [If you need anything, please call Stacy.” The neighbor. “We won’t be able to do anything else we’re so busy!”]

Frisk had to forge her mother’s signature

Who is “her”? You refer to Frisk with “they” pronouns elsewhere.

Your wording is very stilted and awkward throughout this. The story is often hard to follow. You also have a lot of little errors in general; you should proofread more thoroughly, and maybe get a beta reader.

End of Days Advice

This is extremely bizarre, but very funny.

Frisk raises their hand.

“Y-yes?”

“How did you jerry-rig a Powerpoint presentation in the middle of the zombie apocalypse?” they ask.

“It’s best not to question how Alphys makes anything, dear,” says Mettaton.

I particularly like this.

Papyrus sighs, too dramatic to be necessary. Also, he doesn’t have lungs. “Well. I suppose I’m glad that you’re still your usual self, despite all of this. If you stopped making bad jokes, I would think it was the end of the world or something like that.”

There follows a short silence.

And this.

I Feel Sick

“It’s pretty sweet, isn’t it? That we get to enjoy this now?” the monster kid took a few steps forward and heaved out a happy sigh.

You’re generally good about this, but you have an uncapitalized non-speech-verb sentence here.

Don’t get me wrong!” said MK as your eyebrows grew higher in height, “I’ve

Similarly, when two complete sentences of dialogue are divided by narration, the narration completes the sentence and thus should end in a period.

Mk turned and kicked

Forgot to capitalize the K here.

But i think

Typo.

It’s ok

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

This is really cute and well-written! Though the plot hasn’t really arrived yet, this works alright as a prologue. However, I’m not sure if second-person is the best format to use here, since Frisk is an established character. This discussion about the pros and cons of different POV styles might be worth a look.

Chapter 2

And even worse-…

Mixing punctuation looks really funky. It would probably be less distracting if you just had the ellipses.

I told ya,” they said, spinning in a little circle. “It’s just allergies!”

Remember what I said last chapter about breaking up dialogue? In this case, where a single sentence is being interrupted instead of two sentences being cleanly divided, you actually do want to end the narration with a comma, since it’s not the end of the sentence – think of it like a parenthetical for the dialogue. Unless you do mean for this to be parsed as [“I told ya. It’s just allergies!”], in which case this is correct.

What’s wrong, my child?

Toriel never uses contractions.

“M-mom..”

Incomplete ellipses. Logically, I also feel it would make more sense if “mom” was capitalized here, since it’s being used in place of a name.

“….”

This is a visual art convention that doesn’t work in prose.

But hooray, plot! This chapter is a little short, though. The story might have a stronger opening if you included this – the inciting event – in your first chapter instead of splitting it up.

Chapter 3

Your Undyne is great here. Her sudden shift from boisterous to serious is very in-character.

Like, give me feedback for how easy/difficult it is to read this. I’m not sure if the paragraphs are too chunky, or if I should be spacing everything out more

It seems fine, but there are a lot of typos in this chapter.

Chapter 4

Toriel, as if hoping somehow she could avoid the conversation altogether opened her mouth slightly

This needs a comma after “altogether”.

When writing dialogue uninterrupted across multiple paragraphs, there’s no endquote until the end of the whole thing. New paragraphs still have start quotes, but not endqutotes.

your Mom

Shouldn’t be capitalized, since it’s being used as a common noun here.

She hugged you tightly,,

Typo.

Frisk…please if this illness is contagious to humans

This needs a comma after “please”.

Hm, a shame this story seems to be paused. Do you have plans to continue it?

[Deleted]

Ever since the monsters had arrived on the surface, there had been a shortage of jobs. The economy crashed and people screamed a lot- including you. You were only nineteen when they came to the surface; struggling with college and student loans, the one thing you needed the most was a well paying job. and now you were twenty. You turned twenty two days ago. Monsters had come to the surface a week ago. The economy was okay due to pure determination. The town you lived in was famous for having disasters that only lasted one week.

This paragraph is a mess. The first and second halves read like they came from separate drafts. Why do you place an emphasis on how Frisk was younger when the monsters first appeared only to immediately reveal the time gap is insignificant? How could a new population have possibly caused a job crisis in only a week? Why say there was a panic then say it doesn’t matter for the area the story’s set in? Think about what you’re writing.

But something deep inside you- perhaps your kindness- told you that, no, the monsters wouldn’t be scary.

Doing this is a bad idea. When you make characters clairvoyant, you are telling your audience that there will be absolutely zero tension because everything will be telegraphed miles in advance and your characters will always make the most convenient decisions. It makes for a much stronger story to have characters act logically based on the information they actually have.

People..

Ellipses are always three dots, never two or four.

“Hey, AD!” You call

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

This protagonist doesn’t seem anything like Frisk. If you want to write about an OC, just write about an OC.

Small

I love the description here but yikes, this is oversaturated with semicolons. A lot of the clauses being linked aren’t related enough for the semicolon to feel natural, and semicolons tend to be jarring in prose even when they’re used perfectly.

The Ruins had been small in comparison to the rest of the Underground; compared to the surface world, the Underground was an anthill.

[…]

The trees were thick on her side of the house, with a bit of sky peeping through the leaves just to let her know that it was still there. Just enough cover to hide just how big things had become.

[…]

The world was much more manageable in those nights, surrounded by family under a night sky that felt more concrete than its blue counterpart, like a cavern covered in crystals that moved with time itself. Familiar.

I particularly like these lines. You do an excellent job of showing how strange and difficult it must be for the monsters to adjust.

“Who’s there?”

But I thought Toriel doesn’t use contractions?

Overkill

A RESET bites you, drags you back and you’re confused momentarily. It takes a few seconds for you to realise the fight is starting

I’m also confused by the logistics here. A reset should take Frisk/Chara all the way back to the start of the ruins. How can the engage with Papyrus mere seconds afterward? Is this supposed to be a reload?

shouldn’t have reset if they wanted to kill papyrus again

Forgot to capitalize Papyrus here.

Dust disappears into snow, it’s grey is hard to distinguish against white powder.

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”. Also, this is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

atleast […] watch.(

Missing spaces here.

disintegrating..

Incomplete ellipses.

“C-Common, why waste your time k-killing him over and over again, surely there’s better things to do”

This is missing punctuation, also you want “come on”.

You’re making a lot of mistakes in general. I’d recommend you proofread more thoroughly, and maybe get a beta reader.

Okay, so: Sans cannot remember resets in canon. If he has perfect recall, this is an AU and should be labeled as such.

For that reason, this fic is very odd to me. When you operate on the assumption that the Sans we see in canon can remember and react to everything like Flowey, it produces some very weird results. Like, here:

You watch them fight. You don’t get noticed of course. For all you convince yourself you don’t care it still eats at your bones to watch and not do a thing. There’s nothing you could do anyway.

Why? Why does he believe he can’t do anything here, but he does believe he can do something at the very end when it no longer matters? There is nothing physically stopping him from engaging Chara early. If he remembers, and he’s already resolved to break his promise, and he knows exactly where this is headed, why doesn’t he try to stop it? When you do have him finally do something, Papyrus stops him, implying he fights Chara by intervening in the Papyrus battle… but why doesn’t he kill Chara earlier? Why can’t he just overpower Papyrus, given how much more powerful he is? Sans’ behavior here does not make sense given what we know of his power level and actions in canon.

It’s a friend thing

Most of the pumpkin, spider and skeleton-themed things had been removed and early replaced by Christmas decorations.

When listing hyphenated items, you need to include the hyphen for each item, so this should be [Most of the pumpkin-, spider- and skeleton-themed things]. I’m also having trouble parsing the last bit – do you mean “replaced by early Christmas decorations”?

said–and

Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

for the sole reason they were on sale

This needs a “that” in the middle, I believe.

Undyne’s clothes were nice… Separately.

When an ellipses doesn’t end a sentence, the following part shouldn’t be capitalized.

“Weren’t you the one that bought that dress for Alphys, though?” They asked.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

they heard a commotion not so far.

Dropped a word here.

fangirls screams

Forgot the possessive apostrophe.

You’re making a lot of little errors like these. I’d recommend you proofread more thoroughly, and maybe get a beta reader.

The tall and sparkly robot was wearing a classy fuchsia shirt and his favorite pink boots on top of the tightest pair of black pants you could find. The only actual difference with his usual appearance would be the sunglasses covering his eyes. He wasn’t incognito at all. He was the complete opposite of discretion.

This is excellent.

Overall, this is very cute and sweet.

This is the point where I realized I should put my hyphen dash commentary on autocorrect. I had no idea this was so common. Where is it coming from?

Also, “According to one “sold out” sign, the Napstablook body pillows were one of the best-selling items.” o_o

About Asgore

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing Sans’ dialogue.

He’d gotten dressed up for the occasion (if you called a clean shirt, sneakers, and jeans dressing up); it was a relief to immediately shed off some of the unfamiliar clothing.

That semicolon feels a bit strange; I’m not sure if the clauses are related enough to justify it. This might flow better if it was exchanged for an “and”.

to catch onto

Should be “on to”, I think. “Onto” is usually only used for physically moving onto something.

I can’t believe

Toriel never uses contractions. But you could justify this due to the fact she’s much more riled up that we ever see her in canon.

but… “

This quote got away from you.

This gives a good explanation for Toriel’s sudden decision to leave the ruins, but I think it’s weird that Sans is so clueless given that she gave him the promise – even if you assume he arrived in the Underground very late, if her history is common knowledge he should know about the humans too, and from there it’s pretty easy to connect the dots and understand why she’d hold such a grudge. On that subject, the human children seem oddly absent from her rationale – I always got the impression that was what really tipped her over the edge, given that it turned Asgore’s proclamation from an abstract danger into something with tangible consequence for her.

I also think Toriel transitions from angry to reasonable too suddenly in the beginning – I understand the point of showing what a problem it is, but it might be more believable for her to start out less livid. Similarly, the improvement with Asgore seems to happen very fast, but that can be justified by this being a short fic. Overall, this was nice, and the ending is very sweet. I like seeing fic that examines Toriel’s relationship with Asgore.

I do feel like this one was too harsh on Toriel, but in a way I can’t properly articulate. Maybe because of how over-the-top she is at the beginning, or how the motive is more focused on her own emotions rather than Asgore’s actual actions. Eh. At least it doesn’t go the “they’re totally falling in love again like nothing happened!” route.

[Deleted]

His axe

??? He wields a trident.

He closed his eyes tightly, “I have accepted my fate.”

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

“I-I…,”

You also don’t need to put commas at the end of ellipses.

Asgore, with a deep breath, he looked up at you

It looks like something went awry with this sentence.

“Its okay.”

Typo.

You looked down at yourself. You were bleeding. Your sweater was practically ripped open at the stomach, a large slash in your skin. Your arms were covered in scratches, leaking blood. Bruises and small gashes covered your entire body, including your face.

No burns?

I’m not sure if second-person was the best choice for narration style, given that the viewpoint character is pretty clearly Frisk, but Frisk’s status as player character doesn’t make it as awkward as it might be. This commentary on POV styles may be of interest.

This is a decent reimagining of the canon scene, though your prose is very dry in places – there are a lot of simple, unadorned sentences that only serve to convey physical action, which makes for somewhat repetitive reading. The transition between the two scenes is also a bit confusing, especially since Asgore’s behavior is so different.

10 Comments

  1. illhousen says:
    “And now, a what-if-the-monsters-were-human AU, also known as a “what if we removed everything that made this story unique””

    Never understood the point of these. I get reimagining the characters in different circumstances or operating on different genre assumptions. That could be fun, that could reveal new sides of the characters, that can lead to amusing plots.

    Imagining them as mundane humans… Even if they have strong enough personalities to carry the story, that still eliminates an interesting aspect without replacing it with anything else.

    “How did you jerry-rig a Powerpoint presentation in the middle of the zombie apocalypse?”

    Ugh, fucking Jerry, sneaking into people’s dialogue. Can’t you take a hint, buddy?

    1. Roarke says:
      It was literally rigged from his corpse. Actually, no. It’s rigged from his still-living flesh.
      1. illhousen says:
        No wonder Alphys was glad to ditch it.
          1. illhousen says:
            Random thought: Alba from KnK circa his student years as Jerry. Touko and Araya tried to ditch him each time they were doing something together. It didn’t always work.
            1. Roarke says:
              I think it’s hard to make parallels between a mildly despicable Undertale monster and a thoroughly despicable psychopath in the Nasuverse. Like, Shinji is closer to Jerry and he’s a sister-raping dipshit.

              Like, theoretically Sans is the closest thing Undertale has to a Counter Guardian, but I still have a lot of trouble comparing him to Archer.

              Reply
              1. illhousen says:
                True enough. It was just a random thought and probably not a good one.
  2. Roarke says:
    Also, “According to one “sold out” sign, the Napstablook body pillows were one of the best-selling items.” o_o

    Honestly? I’d buy it.

    This is why I’m so insistent that Sans can’t remember resets: if he can, then all his reasons for waiting until the end are stripped away, making him complicit in Chara’s murder spree.


    Well, yeah, of course he can’t. He just analyzes the anomaly’s actions and adjusts his own accordingly. At this point I’ve pretty much answered, to my own satisfaction, every question raised regarding Sans’s actions re: resets/loads except one: the in-story reason for his speech during his boss fight.
    Like, I know the meta reason for it. Sans’s speech, his first dodge to his last, dictates the pace of the battle, lets you know how close you might be to either the false truce offer (where you very much need to heal yourself back to full health while he won’t fight you), or the special attack (where you very much need to be at full health before attacking one more time).
    But I just can’t drum up a good in-story reason for why that speech never changes. Sans changes the joke he makes ten times, recognizes that you’ve survived his first attack before, knows if you’ve killed him before, but never changes his “you’re an anomaly in time-space and your existence has crushed my spirit but I’m still going to kick the shit out of you” speech, even though he presumably knows you’ve heard it before.

    1. illhousen says:
      Look, he really likes that speech. Working on it took more effort than he spent on anything in recent year, and by God he’s going to use it as many times as he can.
      1. Roarke says:
        He was working on it the whole time you were murdering your way through all his friends. He can’t let their deaths be in vain.

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