[25] Halloween Reviews (Undertale)

I return to Undertale fandom for Halloween! On FFN this time. To my disappointment, the fandom has almost completely devolved into poorly-explained AU fic since I last checked in. Underfell isn’t the only one anymore.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12708705/1/Warning-the-King

You switch between past and present tense in the opening narration, which is really jarring. You need to pick a tense and stick to it.

[In the underground, Violence isn’t uncommon and everyone is more edgy than their classic counterparts. But just like the classic universe, The Fell universe doesn’t take to kindly to Genocide either.]

Capitalizing random words like “violence”, “the”, and “genocide” is also really distracting. Only proper nouns and the beginning of sentences should be capitalized.

[Sans felt guilty. The last conversation he had with his little brother was an argument about his laziness. Now don’t get it twisted, Sans and Papyrus cares for each other deeply! But if any of them showed any weakness, they would be torn apart. Sans tended to show his love for his brother more than once outside of the house, Papyrus waits until he gets home. There are times that Papyrus feels bad on how he treats Sans, He notices that Sans does have some issues sleeping and with his low hp, The Royal Guardsman has to act tough for not only his life but for his brothers as well.]

“Brother’s” needs an apostrophe, to denote possession.

So, the fact this is Underfell makes this awkward. Underfell is a really free-form setting and everyone seems to have a different interpretation of the characters in it. What exactly is Underfell like in this – or more directly, what is gained by setting this in Underfell instead of canon? If the point is that Underfell is a crap universe where everyone is evil, that makes this genuine affection a bizarre outlier. If everyone else has been so severely changed that they would kill the skeletons at the drop of a hat, why haven’t the skeletons become cold and cruel too?

[“King Asgore!” Announced Sans]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

All sentences need to end in punctuation, not just some of them.

[“Yeah, I’m surprised to!”]

You want “too”. “To” is a conjunction. In general, you’re making enough errors that I strongly recommend getting a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

[“Bah! They’re just another human. And even if he is as dangerous as you say, I have 6 human souls close by that are ready to be absorbed!” He stated

Sans grew annoyed

“You need to do it now!” Shouted Sans]

Why hasn’t he already?

This is really disjointed, and basically just rehashes the genocide ending but with Underfell characters. And that doesn’t make much sense, when Underfell characters are supposed to be extremely different from their canon counterparts. You said that Sans only cares about Frisk’s rampage because Papyrus died, so why is he warning Asgore? He shouldn’t care.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12708656/1/Game-Stuck

This is incoherent. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12708615/1/Monster-Crushers

[Underswap AU]

Uh… what? If you’re using an AU, you should explain what it is; not everyone is going to be familiar with it.

And consequently, I’m pretty lost here. It looks like you’re swapping the roles of Alphys/Undyne and Sans/Papyrus, but while Undyne’s personality seems intact, Papyrus doesn’t seem at all like his canon self, and I can’t even begin to imagine how Alphys could even remotely be described as a “badass warrior”. I don’t really understand the point of a swap AU if you change the personalities to fit the role – that feels like cheating.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12708594/1/Up-in-Flames

“Humans” and “monsters” are not proper nouns and should not be capitalized.

Hm. It doesn’t feel thematically fitting for Asgore and Toriel to find Asriel before he dusts – the refrain of “but nobody came” strongly implies Asriel died alone. (It also doesn’t make sense that they’re not able to heal him, when they’re supposed to be the strongest monsters in the Underground.)

The backstory dump feels a bit jarring. A lot of it stuff we already know or can infer from canon, and doesn’t tell us much vital information. This is supposed to be a tense scene, so it would work better if it wasn’t interrupted with a cerebral overview of the characters – that sort of thing forces a distance from the events.

[Asriel is dead.]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well. You have a few other tense shifts throughout this, which is very jarring and confusing.

[Undyne thundered in. She was panting again, breathless as usual, but there was none of her dogged enthusiasm then. Her face was stricken, eye darting between himself and his wife, mouth half-agape, half-frowning.]

Undyne wasn’t around back then, I’m pretty sure. This is something like 50-100 years prior to the start of the game, and Undyne doesn’t seem to be that old.

[“They took Chara from us!”]

Uh… wait, I’m confused. Chara wasn’t killed by the humans, they died of buttercup poisoning prior to all this. I’m surprised this doesn’t factor into this – Toriel and Asgore should be doubly shocked to lose Asriel so soon after they just lost another child.

[“Tori… Toriel, no,” Asgore replied, dazed. He gulped and added, in a steadier voice, “They are more powerful than all of us. You know this.”

Toriel growled. “I don’t care, Asgore!”

“You should care,” he retorted just as firmly. “Do you want our kind to die again? We have already lost so much—”

Toriel tore herself from him and stood. She towered over her husband.

“—I lost my son!”

Asgore would have bellowed for all that he could possibly care. He glared up.

“SO DID I!”

“Then what’s stopping you?” she hissed hotly.

“Losing more than my son!” he roared. “Losing more of my people! Losing you!”]

I find it really weird that Asgore needs to tell her this. I can understand that Toriel is emotionally compromised, but… her major character flaw is overprotectiveness, not recklessness. She is the one who should be most aware of the risks, and afraid of losing even more.

So – this is an interesting idea, especially as I’m working on a story with a similar premise. But I just can’t see this as being in-character for the two of them. Granted, we don’t know exactly how it went down in canon so it’s hard to know exactly where it makes sense to diverge, but given what we know of their personalities, Toriel’s behavior here doesn’t make sense to me. What might make more sense is if Toriel believes they have to issue a preemptive strike to protect everyone – but then she’d attack as soon as she got the first SOUL, which rather derails the canon plot.

I also feel like the ending diminishes Asgore’s agency – kinda fitting given *his* fatal flaw is indecisiveness, but it kinda breaks the parallel. Toriel’s decision to leave seems to have been a distinct choice, and a big part of who she is in canon is because of how staunchly she’s held onto that decision. You can end up with Asgore in a similar place by doing this, but it feels… I dunno, weaker? to have his placement be decided for him rather than by his own choice. (I also don’t see how there’s anything stopping him from coming back – Toriel should calm down eventually. A big part of Toriel’s situation was that she didn’t *want* to go back.)

The writing of this is decent, but also feels emotionally off in a way that’s hard for me to articulate. It feels almost… too much? The prose is very dense, fast, and heavy, with lots of asides and emotional words, but that doesn’t feel like it matches the tone of the scene. I would expect Asgore to feel more numb in this situation, and for things to slow down after the initial shock. As it is, the story remains at a very fast pace throughout everything.

It’s really jarring to me to realize how much of the implied backstory I thought was obvious has actually been interpreted radically differently by so many people. At so many points throughout this I wanted to say “That’s not canon,” but had to stop and realize that stuff was only implied, not explicitly stated.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12707758/1/Genocide

You might want to pick a more original title.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[I look up, to see a hole that I must have fallen down.]

I’m confused here. This makes it sound like they’re waking up with no memory of how they got there, but they know full well they did fall down a hole. “The hole that I must have fallen down from” makes more sense.

This is way too bare-bones. You need to describe the characters and what’s going on, not just the dialogue and narrator’s thoughts.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[I know it’s a girl because of the voice.]

Uh… Toriel isn’t a girl, though. Old women and girls have very different voices. If you just mean the narrator can tell it’s a female voice, you don’t need to say that – it’s obvious from context if the narrator is using gendered pronouns as soon as they hear her voice.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12707519/1/Coming-to-this-party-was-a-TERRIBLE-idea

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

[XFlashbackX]

This isn’t a video game; you can establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Even by the standards of AUs, this doesn’t seem to have much to do with Undertale. You’re relying mostly on OCs and Gaster, who has no canon personality and is therefore effectively an OC. If you just want to write about sci-fi Christmas hijinks, I think you’d be better off publishing this as original fiction with an “inspired by” label on the top instead.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12706896/1/Dadster

Please make a summary that tells people what your story is actually about.

[requests are appreciated]

That’s interactivity, which is banned on this site.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You need spaces after punctuation.

This is incoherent. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12706805/1/AfterTale

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[The option to reset appeared and so did Flowey. She didn’t understand. Why did it appear now? Would she not be able to live her life with her new family?]

Uh… this is not what actually happens from Frisk’s point of view. This sequence is very obviously only for the eyes of you, the player. The ending makes it very clear that Frisk is not you.

Well, that ended abruptly. You need a lot more than one tiny scene. What is the story going to be about, going forward? The first chapter should give the reader an idea of that. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12706520/1/It-wasn-t-my-fault

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

[After finishing a Genocide route, Frisk is cornered by a mob of angry fans who want nothing more than the killer’s blood.]

If this is post-genocide route, Frisk is no longer Frisk, they have become Chara.

[Meeting Chara wasn’t a big deal. All they had to do was say: “Sure, Chara! Of course you can have my all-powerful godlike soul! It’ll match your big, beautiful red eyes perfectly!”]

Frisk is also not the player.

These errors are particularly silly when you’re trying to call out the fandom’s stupidity. Making the same mistakes yourself rather undercuts your point.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[I wrote this oneshot as a shot at all those “Chara is making me do Genocide! Oh no, I can’t stop them!” people out there. Yes, there are people who think Frisk is a puppet of Chara from the beginning of the Geno route, and that Frisk is just a harmless cinnamon roll. I disagree entirely. If Chara killed ANYONE in the genocide path, it was only out of pity.]

That… seems like a vast oversimplification of the situation. There’s a lot more going on with Frisk and Chara.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12706383/1/One-shot-Sans-x-Borrower-Reader-Warning-Short-story-and-Vore

I should warn you that xReader fic is, for some reason, classified as interactive fic, and is therefore banned by the site rules. This story can get taken down at any point. Use caution.

Please make a summary that tells us what the story is actually about.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

[(Y/n)]

Okay, I know this is theoretically supposed to make the story more immersive, but it just does the exact opposite by dint of how artificial it is. It’s much less awkward to just write around mentioning a name.

[(Sigh)]

This isn’t script format – you should write these actions out in prose.

[3 minute later]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[“I…I-I t-told you w-we sh-shouldn’t have left th-the house.” I shutter]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12706174/1/Eccentricity

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[He liked all of his customers-well, with an exception or two-, but that didn’t deter him from his passion.]

Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash. It also looks like you should drop the second dash.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[She…had a tendency to swallow people whole.]

Even having established that’s nonlethal and she will let him out later, that’s still assault and kidnapping, which are crimes. Think of the mundane equivalent of this – a manager knocks someone out and ties them up in the basement before letting them go. You’d go to jail for that. There are legal ways of dealing with problem customers, but this is not one of them. Given you’ve established there are still tensions between humans and monsters, I can’t see this as a lighthearted scene – this makes me fear retaliation against Muffet and Grillby.

Otherwise, this is sweet.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12705993/1/AskTale

This is against the rules of this site, and with good reason. Do this on a roleplaying forum, not a fanfiction archive.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12705970/1/Johanna-VS-Errortale

I have absolutely no idea what is going on here. If you’re using an AU, you need to explain it.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context. It’s generally a good idea to avoid POV switching in general, as it’s easier to get immersed in a story when we have a consistent viewpoint.

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. If you don’t know the full rules, dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12705868/1/Captain-Of-The-Guard

[Decades have passed since the Eight Human’s massacre]

That should be “eighth human”, I believe.

[it’s former self]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[if Monsterkind is to survive]

You wouldn’t capitalize “humankind”, so you shouldn’t capitalize “monsterkind” either.

[the tragic events of the year 313X]

Woah, 313X? That places the events of canon over a thousand of years past present day, which seems off. The snippets of the surface we see in the ending don’t seem extremely futuristic.

[and The Captain’s own notes]

“The” shouldn’t be capitalized here.

[Dr. Alfred stepped off the boat at waterfall]

“Waterfall” should, however, be capitalized. At this point, I recommend you get a beta reader to help you with this – this many errors is pretty distracting. You can start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Even though Dr. Alfred’s father enforced the law with a hard hand, there were still some gangs and looters around]

Society doesn’t really work that way. Gangs and looters occur when you have more people than you have resources. A massive depopulation event should make people very subdued – you can train up police faster than you can repopulate, so it shouldn’t be hard to keep an eye on everyone. There’s also the fact that monsters seem pretty docile to begin with.

(Also, where is Alphys in all this?)

[Everyone who walked across the bridge would do so under the gaze of the Tireless Heroine. Beneath the image was engraved the the heroine’s name as well as a brief description of how she gave her life in the line of duty. Captain Undyne had perished long ago, yet those who were close to her remember her well and the monsters who survived The Massacre owe their lives in no small part to her. Unfortunately this has done nothing to alleviate the despair in The Underground; instead of being seen as examples to follow monsters like Undyne and Asgore are seen by most as a now-extinct breed, the last heroes monsterkind will ever produce.]

…Seriously, where is Alphys? Undyne may have made a dramatic stand, but the harsh truth is that it was futile. Alphys is the one who actually saved everyone.

This is a neat concept – I’ve always liked the intermediate endings, even though they don’t get much attention. I’m intrigued to read further. But, again, I am disappointed how little Alphys has featured so far – she’s a crucial figure in this timeline, and has a personal connection to Undyne too. I hope she’ll become more relevant later on.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12705868/2/Captain-Of-The-Guard

[Abethna knew that what she was doing was illegal – if anyone discovered this then she would be arrested and would spend the rest of her life in prison.

As she walked, Abethna felt the small bundle in her hands move feebly. The woman scowled at the bundle, “You’ve caused enough problems!” she hissed. She truly was angry with the baby she held; this baby had inconvenienced her.

As Abethna walked she started speaking to the swaddled baby in her arms. “It’s nothing personal. My boyfriend Zahle said he’ll only stay with me if I get rid of you. And if my parents found out I had an illegitimate child they would be absolutely furious. I’m sure you’ll understand, right? Right?!”]

This seems really off. Everything we see of monster society in canon makes it seem incredibly forgiving – there is zero mention of any prison system, and the royal guard don’t seem to do much other than defend the kingdom from humans. I have a really hard time picturing Asgore ordering this woman locked up for life, even for murder.

Also, why couldn’t she get an abortion? Monsters being mostly intangible, it should be even easier than it is for us. This whole premise feels… I dunno, too human? It feels incongruous with the saccharine world we’re presented with in canon.

[some of the waste was hazardous or even irradiated and despite Royal PSA’s on identifying and avoiding such things several monsters end up hospitalized as a result of harming themselves by carelessness. Some end up cutting themselves on rusted metal or pricking themselves on unclean syringes, but deaths from this are rare because the King is generous and provides medical care free-of-charge.]

Again, monsters are mostly magic. Toxins and radiation shouldn’t be as harmful to them, and they shouldn’t get sick at all when they don’t even have a circulatory system.

[the lumbar and kindling will get more expensive]

“Lumbar” is a part of the spine. You want “lumber”.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12705763/1/UnderTale-Arc-of-The-Fallen

Please make an actual summary.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

Not using punctuation makes me not want to read your story. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12705462/1/Undertale-OC-Review

Non-story entries are banned on this site. Put this in a forum thread.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12705010/1/Try-to-Play-Nice

I have no idea what’s going on here. This is a mess. You need to actually describe what’s going on instead of just writing the narrator’s thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12704594/1/Mercy-Detached-From-Justice-Grows-Unmerciful

[Dr. W.D Gaster finds himself not merely dead, but in Heaven, and ready to be judged. His entire life will be put on trial, and must contend with his many…MANY Sins. And only one person can defend him before the Heavenly Host…a child, one of the Six Fallen Humans, a member of a species Gaster despises.]

…What. Given that Gaster has no canon personality and is therefore effectively an OC, I don’t see the point of this? Given you have to make up his entire backstory, we have no emotional context or investment in anything that happens in this fic. (Also, not sure why you’re capitalizing “six fallen humans” – it’s not a proper noun.)

[Inspired by Zarla’s “Handplates” AU on Tumblr.]

If you’re using an AU, you should explain it. Not everyone will be familiar with it. I, for example, have no idea what you’re talking about.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This is absolutely bizarre. I’m really not sure what you’re trying to do here.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12704370/1/Kind-SOULs-Help-Others

You really don’t need to list the character bio. If the information is relevant, it should come up in the story.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[You wouldn’t tell]

The general you sounds very awkward in third person. I recommend rephrasing this.

[must of padded the fall]

You want “must have” or “must’ve”.

[He got up. It hurt a LOT. He’d read books on HP, AT, DF, and LV. He knew how to check them.

HP: 2/17 – Be careful. The next Snow Poff might be your last.]

Ehh. This might work in a different medium, but in prose it looks really awkward.

[Looks like your also Determined]

You want “you’re”. “Your” is the possessive.

[“Um… Ok!”]

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

I’m not entirely sure what you’re doing here. It doesn’t seem very interesting to me to have a nigh-omniscient character get led through the same events of the games. If you’re planning to have something more going on, you should show that in the first chapter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12704186/1/She-s-All-I-See

Summaries that just quote from the story are not actually very helpful. The summary should tell us what the story is about.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[After the monsters where freed]

You want “were”.

[San and Papyrus]

Typo with Sans’ name here.

[They’d take the elevator, but that thing’s been broken since they moved in a month ago, and the landlord doesn’t seem to be interested in repairing it, anytime soon.]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

Ellipses are always three dots, never more or less.

You’re making a lot of weird errors, and they make the story hard to follow. I recommend getting a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12703827/1/In-for-the-Long-Run

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[I have been traveling through different AUs for years now ever since my universe was destroyed, over time I have learned that I lived in a swap universe.]

Why would they consider their universe a swap universe? From their perspective, the canon universe is the swap AU.

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Seriously, you need more than one paragraph. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12703906/1/Reverie-Reborn

[Nightmare and Dream Sans AU]

What are these? If you’re using an AU, you need to explain what they are. Not everyone will be familiar with them. I, for instance, have no clue what you’re talking about.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[the King and Queen of Monsters]

These shouldn’t be capitalized, as they’re not proper nouns.

[Asgore continued to reign as King with Toriel, who had only partially forgiven him for what he had done in years past, as Queen]

The ending seems to very strongly imply otherwise; Asgore and Toriel are seen in informal outfits doing mundane work. Given that a big part of their problems involved cracking under the strain of leadership, I don’t see them being very eager to return to the throne. Monsters no longer have need for a strong leader if they’ve integrated with human society, anyway.

[once in awhile]

You want “a while”, two words. “Awhile” means “for a while”.

I feel very disengaged from this story. Opening the story with a massive infodump tends to do that – that’s a summary, not a story. If this information is relevant to the plot, it should come up organically. I don’t have much investment in reading a dry list of facts and events – “show, don’t tell” is in full force here. It’s okay to just start where the plot starts; the canon ending gives us enough information to fill in the gaps of what happened since.

Unfortunately, I’m not interested in the plot itself either, I’m sorry to say. Sans is really, really overused in fandom, and the genre of Sans helping Frisk with their problems doubly so.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12709199/1/Why-Shouldn-t-I

[it’s voice]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

…Okay, so what is this story actually about? This is the sort of thing that should be included with your first chapter, not stand on its own.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12703915/1/Lessons-in-Civility

[There are some Underfell inspiration and a little of Underheiarchy.]

What are these? You can’t assume readers know anything but what’s in the original work. If you’re using an AU, you should explain what it is, lest readers get lost. I, for example, have no idea what you’re talking about.

[A roar. That’s the normal description. Sans never understood the metaphor before, but he did now. The crowd roared]

That’s… not really a metaphor. The noise a crowd produces is, literally, a roar.

[The seat to his left was empty allowing the carving of the delta rune to be seen.]

This should have a comma after “empty”. You have a few similar errors throughout, and they’re quite distracting; I recommend reading up on comma usage, and possibly getting a beta reader to help you.

[the Royal Guard’s Captain]

“Captain” isn’t a proper noun, and therefore shouldn’t be capitalized.

[Mettaton started to call out ignored the other names that Mettaton introduced listening to the one that mattered to him.]

Something went wrong with this sentence.

[“My apologies. I wasn’t looking where I was going,” Toriel apologized]

Toriel never uses contractions.

[the skeleton replied her- Toriel determined that between the tone of voice and the style of the armor that the skeleton was indeed female- voice]

Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

All lowercase Sans does not work nearly as well in prose as it does in game.

[Sans grit his teeth at the rude display as his left eye flashed a cyan color.]

That is not how Sans’ powers work. His eye only glows when he’s actually using his powers; it’s not an emotional indicator, it’s drawing a gun.

This is decently-written, but again, I have no idea what’s going on. This setting is so radically different from canon that I feel completely untethered. If there’s setting information we’re supposed to know for this, you should include it in your author’s note.

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