[28] Undertale Reviews, Part 3

Some longer ones today.


Wódan Dreáme

This is nice, but the fact that you double-space between paragraphs but not between new dialogue is a little disorienting.

Tower Of Heartz

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is frustrating and manipulative. Your tags shouldn’t give me a better idea of what the story’s about than your summary.

it was all too.. Normal

Ellipses are always three dots, never two or four. Also, if the part after the ellipses is a part of the preceding sentence instead of its own independent sentence, it shouldn’t be capitalized.

rather then

“Than”. “Then” is for time transitions, “than” is for comparisons.

You glanced to your side

This is in past tense, but the rest of the story is in present.

You’re making a lot of mistakes in general. I’d recommend you get a beta reader.

This is really incoherent and hard to follow. I presume that’s what you were going for, but you need to tone it down a little.

This is also too short for a first chapter. Remember that a first chapter is where you have to hook the reader. This is just a single scene; you haven’t told me what the plot is going to look like or what makes this story unique.

This one actually took my advice and fused the first and second chapters. This one is for what was originally chapter 2:

It took about 2 minutes until you did actually stop.

In prose, numbers below 20 or so are written out with letters.

I mean, of course it was.

Who is “I” in this sentence?

You gaze at the entrance, looking down to your shoes. It was snowing.

So wait, is it snowing inside the ruins, or is Frisk teleporting back and forth between the ruins and Snowdin? I’m having a lot of trouble following this.

This is, once again, too short. You could have fused this with your first chapter easily.

Chapter 2

“You are just like the others.” She says

You’re writing dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

You shouldn’t need special denotation for dreams; they should be obvious from context. Letting the reader know something is a dream in advance actually limits the amount of things you can do with it, like tricking the reader into thinking a dream is real until the character wakes up.

This is probably where your first chapter should have ended.

The next two chapters were also merged. This was originally for chapter 4:

Toriel let’s go of you asap

“Lets”. “Let’s” means “let us”. Also, you shouldn’t use informal acronyms in narration.

Why is everyone’s dialogue italicized? It’s very distracting.

Then again, Toriel has that affect on people.

Effect. Affect is the verb.

And we finally have a hook. This should have been the end of your first chapter.

Bystander Syndrome

My Native language is German, not English, so sorry if I may make some grammatical errors or typos…

Hm. Don’t take this the wrong way, but why didn’t you choose to write in your native language? Honestly curious.

You’re capitalizing a lot of things that shouldn’t be capitalized. I’ve heard that’s a German thing? In English, only proper nouns, the start of sentences, and the pronoun “I” are capitalized. So for instance, [Around Four years ago, Monsters returned to the surface.] should be [Around four years ago, monsters returned to the surface.]

It was weird to suddenly have an entire new, sapient and sentient species roaming the Earth; especially one that worked so differently in comparison to humans.

You’re using that semicolon incorrectly; you should be able to replace a semicolon with a period and still have the sentence make grammatical sense, like I’m doing right now. You just need a comma here.

It also was quite shocking to find out that there was an entire war between humans and monsters going on, centuries ago, that simply… disappeared from history.

Ehh, this feels like a cop-out. The opening narration implies both the war and the existence of magic is common knowledge.

Society changed ever so slightly, due to their appearance, the occasional anti-monster hate group started to pop out of the earth and disappeared every now and then…

This is a run-on sentence. You need something more than a comma after the first clause. I would recommend a colon or period.

but also at the same time never really felt like it to act upon this thought

This is awkwardly worded. “Felt like acting upon this thought”, maybe.

A monster that probably was almost entirely made of fire

This is also awkward. You can cut the “probably”.

This is too short for a first chapter; it’s mostly just summary and exposition, which isn’t terribly interesting. Your first chapter should include a hook of some kind — your plot or premise, or basically what makes your story unique and worth reading. I currently have no idea what the rest of the story is going to entail.

Chapter 2

Yeah sorry, I myself don’t have much… experience with the American school system, so I vaguely write from my own experiences from the German school system. Which is vastly different.

Don’t worry, you’re not obligated to write for a culture you’re unfamiliar with! Personally, I’d actually be more interested in reading a fic based on the German school system, provided you gave a crash course on the relevant details in your author’s note. From my perspective it’d be different if nothing else, and it’d probably be easier for you to write too.

“hey, grillbz. back for lunch. why don’t you get me something ready, i am basically skin and BONES.” He said

You’re writing dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

it will never stop being funny.

Why aren’t you using more contractions for Sans? Avoiding contractions carries connotations of extreme stiffness and formality, which is the complete opposite of Sans.

I didn’t bug him about it anymore out of politeness.

“Any more”. “Anymore” is almost exclusively used for past actions over a long timeframe, like “I don’t talk to him anymore.”

you promised, darling.

Ellipses are always three dots, never two or four. Or seven.

This is cute, but the interspersed dialogue is really confusing, especially at the beginning.

Home?

AOOO does chapter titles automatically, you don’t need to include “Chapter 1” explicitly.

7 years

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

Physics and Astrology

Are not proper nouns and thus should not be capitalized.

Sans’

You don’t need the apostrophe here.

The first few years after the barrier was opened they still wouldn’t talk

Frisk is a chatterbox in canon. Most ACT commands involve talking.

“I donno, Frisk, but ya can check”

You’re writing dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

Don’t use “stated”. It is not synonymous with “said”. Stated is an extremely rare speech tag that should only appear under certain narrow circumstances. It’s very close in meaning to “declared”, but has an even narrower range of use. Stated can be used for a short, matter-of-fact declaration, ie, a statement. You may notice you don’t see it in writing very often – this is because it’s rarely the right word and is currently falling out of use except when used with a modifier, as in “stated flatly”. Just use “said” instead, it’ll make your story read better.

Now came University, but they could barely afford it.

“University” is not a proper noun and thus should not be capitalized. Also, why can’t they afford it? Asgore and Toriel are royalty, they should be pretty wealthy.

Speaking of which, where is Asgore? The rundown doesn’t mention him.

Sans now had three jobs; a janitor, a comic book store worker, and a part time museum tour guide.

You want a full colon here, not a semicolon. You can check to see if you’re using a semicolon correctly by replacing it with a period; if one of the resulting sentences doesn’t sound right, you need to use something else.

Papyrus couldn’t really find a job at first, people liked his go getter attitude, but not the way he held himself or his quirky personality.

Here you have the opposite problem. A semicolon (or dash) would fit perfectly here, but a comma makes this a run-on sentence. “Go-getter” also needs a hyphen.

into dept

“debt”

You have a lot of problems with comma splices. I’d recommend getting a beta reader and/or reading up on comma usage.

thankfully Frisk had a day off

Wal-Mart employees have a day off but everyone else doesn’t? This must be set in some kind of mirror world.

Toriel wouldn’t say this place was the best place to get vanilla essence

Repeating words sounds awkward. I’d recommend rewording this.

This man not only knew who Frisk was

Hm, is Frisk not the ambassador in this?

Frisk felt the need to punch this man.

This seems out of character. Frisk has to be extremely peaceful and forgiving to reach the true end.

And I’m out of space.

Chapter 2

She couldn’t be trusted, Sans decided, with her long, airy skirt and tan t-shirt, covered by a white cardigan.

Since when does attire have anything to do with trustworthiness?

Because you’re a monster, and monsters can’t feel compassion.

This seems over-the-top. Why would she believe this?

Friends

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is frustrating and manipulative.

Sans uses apostrophes in canon.

10 months

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

Monsters

This is not a proper noun and thus should not be capitalized.

It had only been 10 months since Monsters came above ground, but he felt like he’d known Frisk for years, he just might have.

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

He usually kept either pillows or used a small amount of magic to keep his shapely figure, (He just didn’t like his shirt looking baggy)

In-sentence parentheticals are not capitalized, and any punctuation should be placed after them, not before.

they just draining, you know

I think you dropped a word here.

Ellipses are always three dots, never two or four.

A Damaged Soul

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is frustrating and manipulative.

Frisk gives half of his soul to Asriel in order to live again

How does that work? From what we see of souls, it seems like you can’t split them like that.

you yourself was not fond of meeting strangers

“Were”, not “was”.

the only thing to escape from your mouth was nothing more than a huff of air

This is awkwardly worded; you have too many conjunctions at once. Something like “the only thing that escaped your mouth was a huff of air” would sound more natural.

It was all over the media, internet,and every news station that exists covered the story in full detail.

I think you lost track of this sentence. “All over the media and internet, and every news station…” maybe?

King of Monsters

Not proper nouns, shouldn’t be capitalized.

It was some long months that followed before negotiations finally came to an agreement; The monsters

This semicolon should be a colon.

I’d recommend you get a beta reader. You’re doing okay on basic grammar, but you’re making a lot of mistakes when you try to do fancier stuff.

That was at least a decade ago. Both Frisk and Asriel had grown considerably since then, now lively preteens.

Preteens? That would have to mean they were toddlers a decade ago. They’re generally agreed to be around 10 in canon, so they should be adults by now.

“Oh…thank you,” you murmur softly

This should be in past tense.

Ehh, this just looks like fluffy wish fulfillment. Not really my thing, sorry.

Would That Make You Happy?

She —they must be a she, you decide—

…Why? This comes out of nowhere. It would make more sense for You to decide this after hearing Toriel’s voice.

Soul

Is not a proper noun and thus should not be capitalized.

Occasionally you stop to make conversation with a passing monster

Hm, are the monsters not attacking? I imagine You would be a lot less okay with this if Frisk was in danger.

This is interesting, though this is a little short for a first chapter. I’m not so sure about the use of second-person, though — the protagonist is a very specific type of character, not one that it’s easy to project onto. I think the story would read better in first-person. This advice post about using different POVs might be worth reading.

Chapter 2

rebells

You only need one L here.

You have to be the mother now, after avoiding it for so long. You won’t let her take this opportunity from you.

This…seems a little selfish. She’s really not equipped to raise Frisk on her own, especially compared to Toriel. Throwing this safety away puts Frisk in danger. This therefore reads like she’s placing her own pride and self-concept above Frisk’s safety. I’m sure that’s not what you intended to convey, but I’m a bit confused as to her thought process here.

This place… it’s no place for a child to grow up. Frisk has school, their entire life ahead of them. They can’t stay down here with only you and Toriel for company.

Why doesn’t she say this out loud? They’re good objections, better than just “we want to go home”.

Thank you so much for not capitalizing monster names. That’s a pet peeve of mine.

Maybe that’s what made them so fragile, too.

Wait, why would she know they’re fragile? Last chapter didn’t mention them hurting any monsters.

Hm. I wonder if maybe you should fuse this chapter with your first. They’re both a little on the short side, and this makes for a better ending hook.

Chapter 3

“…not here…?” they mutter

Hmmm. Sounds like they’ve already gone through at least one reset, but You can’t remember. Interesting. Sounds like they killed Flowey, too. I assumed that You just missed Flowey’s introduction back in the first chapter; if Flowey never showed up in the first place, that was very clever obfuscation.

You’ve been telling it for six years.

Six? I thought she had Frisk at fourteen and is eighteen now. Is she actually twenty? Maybe I misunderstood the opening. That said, Frisk’s behavior does make more sense as a six-year-old rather than a four-year-old.

Once again, this is a little short and ends rather abruptly.

I’m doing my best not to completely copy stuff from the game. Sometimes it’s difficult. :)

Try your best! It’s good that you’re putting a new spin on things. I’ve seen so many fics that just rehash the exact same scenes from the games and it’s incredibly boring.

Chapter 4

quite a few of which are dogs that just want pets

Hm. Given that “pets” can mean something different, this is a bit hard to parse. I’d recommend “to be pet” or “pettings”, to make it clearer.

I AM TRYING TO CAPTURE YOU, RIGHT NOW, WITH THIS PUZZLE, THAT IS A TRAP! A PERFECTLY CUNNING TRAP. A MAGNIFI—OH IT SEEMS THE LITTLE HUMAN HAS SOLVED IT.

This is great.

Chapter 5

“must be your good influence. sometimes… kids aren’t always so good when they’re scared and alone.”

Hmmm. This seems to imply that You didn’t survive the fall in the first timeline and Frisk went on an omnicide run in response. Interesting, interesting.

that was an excellent ice pun.

I’m a bit disappointed you didn’t go with “n/ice ice pun”. :p

The bridge to the little village of Snowdin is behind Papyrus.

Hm, you’re moving the location of the battle? Why?

One of his hands is outstretched in Frisk’s direction, the other holding a finger to his mouth.

Wait, I thought he was grabbing You’s wrist? Did he let go?

And ah, I see you have that headcanon. It’s a good one, but if you’re doing an omniscient Sans AU and post-omnicide I have to wonder how much sense it makes for him to help Frisk. His previous conversation seems to imply he has faith that Frisk isn’t going to go on another murder spree, but it still seems pretty risky from his perspective.

“how about, ‘let’s go back to our place because this cold just goes straight through me.'”

Huh? That isn’t a pun, unless I’m missing something.

Chapter 7

Why would Sans know anything about human reproduction, standard ages for parenthood, or any of that? Monsters seem to operate totally differently, especially when it comes to ages and lifespans. I was expecting him to be pretty confused and uncomprehending until You explained.

Chapter 8

I debated for a while about putting in tiny bits from Sans’s point of view, and decided to do it, at least for this chapter.

Hm. It’s very awkward to switch POVs in second-person. Third-person would work better if you wanted to do stuff like this.

This fic branches into two additional one-shots midway through. I lost interest in the main fic, but reviewed these:

I Won’t

Pre-Calculus

Not a proper noun, shouldn’t be capitalized. Same for “save” and “reset”.

The glitches in his magic have been getting worse

Hm? This is an interesting detail. Will we get an explanation for it in the main fic?

Nothing Left

Call your Uncle

“Uncle” is only capitalized when it’s used as a title (i.e., part of someone’s name).

I’m pretty confused as to what’s going on, since there’s nothing to imply this in canon. This feels like diabolus ex machina, angst for angst’s sake. Is this supposed to be foreshadowing for something you’ll develop further in the main fic?

For some reason this made the author fly off the handle, despite me getting neutral-to-positive responses for much more critical reviews before. I don’t know if it was the fact they seem to have a huge fanbase propping up their ego, or if it was the sheer volume of reviews that wore them down.

heart to heart

You’d always done everything right-handed. But, hidden behind your back, the knife slipped from your right hand into your left.

Ooh, symbolism.

Your now-empty fist lingers there for a moment, usefully

Usefully? That sounds a bit weird. Did you mean “uselessly”, or are you trying to say something I’m not getting?

If other people would just let you alone

You want “leave”, not “let”, I believe.

What, you think almost hysterically, nowis he willing to fight you?

Typo.

It’s you who should be sorry.

Hmm. I see what you’re trying to do here, but the use of second-person narration makes it hard to parse. At first I thought Chara was saying Frisk should be sorry.

This is interesting and well-written. I like stories that blur the boundaries between Frisk and Chara. Although, the meta elements, like saying they already know how the ending goes, are a little jarring. How do they know that stuff?

Wilting

Hm. I’m glad you don’t seem to have the universe agreeing with Flowey like so many other Flowey-has-to-die fics. This ends very abruptly, though.

Flowey Is Not a Good Life Coach

I’m glad you skipped the fight. Most fight scenes end up being dull filler, especially when magic is involved.

These first two chapters were a bit short — they might have worked better if they were fused together. But they’re still dense enough to work okay on their own, I think.

Chapter 3

“Boy, it’s a good thing you two weren’t sparring today, or she would’ve gotten hurt real bad, huh?”

Hmm.

I wonder what Flowey is trying to do. If he’s just trying to make Papyrus suffer, it makes sense for him to torture him like this. But if he still wants Papyrus’ cooperation for something, this seems a bit counterproductive, since it’s reminding Papyrus that listening to Flowey is a bad idea. Unless he’s trying to goad Papyrus into standing up to him, maybe…

Interested to see where this goes.

Chapter 4

Five in the morning– he’d slept in.
[…]
It was only nine o’clock

?????

All he’d wanted was to get into the Guard

I thought what he really wanted was fame and recognition, though? The position was just a means to an end. Though, it would make sense for Papyrus to not think it through very much.

Chapter 6

even though there was nothing Sans could do about any of it

Nice use of dramatic irony.

“That’s” Papyrus said

Typo.

The dogs are great here.

Lost interest after this, but the story goes downhill fast. More on that later.

Just a Flower

Something to make you feel the guild that would come with striking another being down.

Guilt?

“What a pretty flower”.

I think the period should be inside the quotes, if someone’s saying this.

Hm, so Frisk becomes Flowey after they sell their soul? That’s an interesting idea, but what happens to Asriel then? And why does Chara kill them if they want to make them watch?

Shade of the Soul

Underworld

Underground.

This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that the first chapter is where you’re supposed to hook your reader, to show them why your story is unique and worth reading. This is just a single in medias res scene that doesn’t tell us anything about where the story is going.

Chapter 3

Humans and Monsters

Why are these capitalized here when they’re not in narration?

The Humans, having lost a great number of their own, were left with distaste in their mouths and dark feelings towards the Monsters.

Hm? I thought the humans suffered almost no losses, since they were so much more powerful. The Waterfall plaques say they were primarily motivated by fear of the monsters’ soul-stealing ability, not by actual danger.

“Your report is incomplete.” The teacher stated

You’re writing dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

“Stated” is also a speech verb you should generally avoid using. It may seem synonymous with “said”, but it isn’t — it’s closer in meaning to “declared”, but has an even narrower range of use. Here, it is close since the teacher is making an official pronouncement, but they seem too emotional about it for the dispassionate “stated” to sound accurate.

At first, people were haughty and against the monsters altogether until you stepped forward and spoke up for them, inciting that the monsters were there to live without strife and not cause any problems for humans.

“Inciting”? That doesn’t make sense. Do you mean “insisting”?

you are with determination

I think you dropped a word here.

Hm, have the monsters written their own textbooks, or collaborated with humans to make some? Would the teacher have allowed Frisk to use those as sources? It would also be nice if we could see specific examples of how the human textbooks distorted the truth.

“That is correct, Miss Dreemurr. Your opinion has no place in this class.”

I think this would work better if we saw how she treated other students who did the same thing. If the assignment really is supposed to be objective and only drawing from specific sources, then yeah, Frisk didn’t do the assignment properly, and it’s not really evil for her to call Frisk out on that. If we see her glossing over students who inject anti-monster rhetoric into their reports, we’d know there’s true bias here.

Also, why does Frisk call it “opinion”? They’re an eyewitness source, that’s not opinion, that’s fact. The teacher might doubt the veracity of their claims, but a history professor calling an eyewitness account “opinion” is just baffling. I get that you want her to be evil, but if you overdo it it becomes impossible to take seriously.

(And, very minor, but most people tend to tag when they give Frisk a set gender, so you might want to do that if you like tag consistency.)

You’re jumping between past and present tense in your narration. This is quite jarring.

7 Comments

  1. illhousen says:
    “Lost interest after this, but the story goes downhill fast. More on that later.”

    Hm, does it tie to some trend in the fandom? I tried reading it but lost interest around third chapter. Didn’t really click with me.

    1. Farla says:
      Fic in Undertale will start off good and then just. Not. End.

      Flowey is Not a Good Life Coach presents itself as something that needs to drag on and on because of how difficult it’d be to actually make Papyrus kill. Except (spoilerz!!!) Papyrus never actually moves in that direction at all. It’s actually just whump fic about Papyrus being abused and traumatized for ages, with new plot points like “oh noes the other characters think it’s his brother abusing him and now they’re being mean to SANS THE MOST BESTEST!!! truly it is people who try to intervene in abusive situations who are the real problem” then there’s a bullshit boss battle and somehow Flowey actually dies.

      1. illhousen says:
        That makes me feel better for dropping it despite getting a rec somewhere on this blog.

        Honestly, with that title I went in assuming it was going to be comedy about Flowey trying to mess with Papyrus through his advises, and Papyrus either misinterpreting it in his usual optimistic style and messing up all of Flowey’s plans while profoundly thanking him for good advice, or Papyrus becoming a terrifying killing machine without realizing it and still retaining his personality.

        Big mistake, I know.

        1. Farla says:
          The rec was, I think, based on the early chapters when it looked like it was engaging its basic premise (it only just finished a little while ago, to give you an idea of how stupidly long it was dragged out, and checking it now apparently it’s 105,795 words in total when the early chapters were if anything on the short side).
          1. illhousen says:
            That seems to be the case.

            Speaking of long-ass fics, do you know The Golden Quiche fic? The premise sounds interesting (human magic actually being around and playing a role, Magi Association being a thing, which makes me hope for Nasuverse inspiration when it comes to themes) but the size intimidates me.

            1. Gust says:
              Uhh, I read through about 40 chapters of it. The magic system isn’t my thing, but I like what they did with the SAVE/LOAD mechanics and how they would play out on the Surface with human politics. OCs aren’t too irritating but their names are dumb. I keep reading Cenna’s name as Cena and then thinking of that meme. Not much about the magi association, since it mostly focuses on the main characters and Gaster.

              You’ll probably like what happens to Chara.

              Reply
              1. illhousen says:
                Well, my main concern is whether or not the plot goes anywhere or if it just treads water. Is there a solid plot arc in the first 40 chapters?

                I probably won’t mind the names because I don’t have an ear for foreign names being weird by their standards. I thought Nasuverse names were reasonable, for example.

                “Not much about the magi association, since it mostly focuses on the main characters and Gaster.”

                That’s a shame. Looking more at it, the Association is not the one from Nasuverse, which is a shame. I’d really like to read a fic where, say, Rin is sent as a liaison to monsters or where the Association tries to capture and vivisect them.

                “You’ll probably like what happens to Chara.”

                My preferred fanfiction!Chara shapes out to be the one from One by One and Holding Patterns fic: creepy, cruel, malicious, capable of doing truly horrible things, but also with a few sparks of humanity where their heart used to be which may lead to a peaceful resolution after enough struggle.

                I’m also A-OK with pure villain Chara as long as they’re sufficiently creepy and threatening. The only thing worse than a villain that just peters out without putting up a good fight and getting close to success is a whitewashed villain.

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