[30] Undertale Reviews, Part 6


You’re In the Doghouse Now

This is cute, and I like your description. I also appreciate that you don’t do all lowercase Sans.

I’m a bit confused why Sans is so adamant about railroading Frisk, though. It’s possible to say that, if this is an AU where Sans remembers past timelines, then he knows Frisk’s immortal and therefore he’s not breaking his promise by putting them in danger, but how is letting Frisk stay with them irresponsible? Because Sans knows they’ll break the barrier if they continue?

Underfell

Thank you for providing an explanation of the AU. Most people don’t, which is annoying.

Do you plan on having an explanation for why Flowey is good? That’s the part that confuses me the most about Underfell, since it requires changing the canon’s metaphysics.

“If you’re ready, I’m going to attack you, so you can practice dodging, okay?”

That’s… really suspicious. I’d be nervous he’d try to kill me at this point.

Down here… it’s kill or be killed.

Except he’s clearly an exception to that, if he’s sincere about wanting to help Frisk. Why doesn’t he preach evasion if Frisk won’t fight? Or does that not work, and Flowey’s had to kill to survive before? More information would be helpful here.

“If you can’t fight me, you’ll never make it,”

So wait, because he doesn’t want Frisk to die, he’s going to kill Frisk? That’s absurd. This only makes sense if he’s certain the monsters will torture Frisk or something if they capture him, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader — in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. This is just a single scene; the plot hasn’t really started yet, so I have no idea what makes this story different than all the other Underfell fic out there.

Chapter 2

but for some reason you feel much less comfortable now than you did with Flowey

This is bad writing. Omniscient and clairvoyant protagonists make for incredibly boring stories. There is no tension when you telegraph everything that’s going to happen and the true motives of every character far in advance.

It might be comfortingly familiar, if it wasn’t for those glowing yellow eyes.

Should be “have been”, not “be”, also goats have pretty freaky eyes, so that should actually be a point of familiarity. Something that could be clever might be for Frisk to be freaked out by how human her eyes look — isolated human features on an otherwise nonhuman thing evokes an uncanny valley effect, which is extremely creepy. The fact that she’s humanoid also seems like it would be more immediately noticeable and far stranger.

made all the worse by the rows or sharp teeth

“of”

Coming to the next room

Your description is very sparse, which gives the sense that things are happening too quickly. Some parts even read more like summary than prose, which you want to avoid if possible.

Other monsters seems to follow

“seem”

you fine them tattered

“find”

With horror, you realized the last ingredient was you.

That’s… really over-the-top, and also extremely cliche. I am disappointed. Why does she even want to eat humans? The mouth monster in Snowdin implies that monsters aren’t well equipped to consume physical matter, and that they wouldn’t even get much out of it anyway. This also raises the question of what she gets out of leaving them to be killed by the other monsters instead of killing them immediately herself.

Toriel betrayed you, meant you harm, as did all of the other monsters here. You should be scared, angry, and honestly, you are. And yet, you just can’t bring yourself to think of her as evil.

Okay, so. This is the main reason why I think Underfell is weird.

The reason why Undertale makes it so easy to walk the high road is because all the characters have sensible motivations and personalities. They are all genuinely good people who have genuinely good reasons for fighting you; it’s easy to tell from the start of every battle that they’re people who can and should be reasoned with. Murder isn’t their goal in and of itself, it’s a means to an end. But if you turn everyone into comically evil caricatures, the original’s narrative beats no longer make sense. It’s absurd to think anyone would look at an insane, sadistic murderer with completely irrational motives and think they could be reasoned with — and if they do, it makes no sense for nonviolence to actually succeed. In canon, Toriel relents because she genuinely does want the best for Frisk, and knows in the back of her mind that Frisk can’t stay in the ruins — so Frisk can leverage that. Here… I have no idea why Toriel relents, it just happens because you say so. Murder does seem to be the goal in and of itself for her, so why doesn’t she want to do it? If she has some greater motive that Frisk was somehow able to leverage, you didn’t make that very clear. There is also the problem that lolcrazy and evululz characters are just generally less interesting than characters with fleshed-out motives.

Asgore… do not let them take your soul.

And… apparently she is still against Asgore’s plan despite sharing his beliefs that humans should die? Why? Think about your characters’ motives logically, don’t just go through the motions of canon and expect it to still work.

waterproof

Why is this labeled as both shipping and gen fic? AO3’s filter is inclusive rather than exclusive, so lumping them together like that makes it virtually impossible to sort stories with any reliability.

“Girls can’t be kings, sweetheart,” her mother said.

This… seems like a really weird setting to do this plot in. Everything we see of the monsters implies they don’t care about gender or gender roles in the slightest.

Ahaha, Alphys wrote fanfic of Undyne? That’s hilarious and so very Alphys.

She was like a kid at summer camp.

Would monsters know what those are…?

The kid makes some sort of signal with their hand. Undyne has no idea what they’re trying to say, really, but she can guess the gist of it.

Frisk is a chatterbox in canon. Most ACT commands involve talking; most relevantly, Undyne has two that require her to understand what Frisk is saying. It is possible to say that Frisk is mute, but that only works if all the monsters understand sign language.

“I have marshmallows,” Sans says, raising a big plastic package in his fist.

This is hilarious, and also very Sans.

“Or else you could not have defeated Me!”

Why is “me” capitalized here?

They grin right back, with all their inferior unpointy teeth.

This is a nice detail.

does Undyne wants to come with her

You’ve got an improper conjugation here.

dripping blood

Monsters don’t bleed.

Once it’s safely ashore the boat meows disconsolately, which is weird because Undyne is pretty sure it’s a dog.

This amuses me.

01 and 02 blushing at each other under the kitchen doorway mistletoe in front of them.

This feels a bit unwieldy. Maybe it would flow better if you cut the “in front of them”?

Which means yes.

“Which means yes,” Undyne surmises.

Hm? Seems a bit odd to repeat this.

“Hi, dad,”

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

This is really funny and sweet. The entire Christmas party scene is wonderful.

Down the Hole

This author is one of those histrionic types who can’t handle any criticism at all. They had a breakdown and deleted all my comments. It was basically just the standard stuff, grammar corrections and grumbling over how little sense Underfell makes, but what really made them flip out was that I objected to Frisk being selectively mute on account of that contradicting canon. This led to a “headcanons are sacred” rant that I’m sure you’re all familiar with from Farla’s fights over whether or not carapaces can talk. It’s a shame I didn’t preserve it, I’d have liked advice on how to handle that.

Regret/Reset

They’re determination

You want “their”. “They’re” means “they are”.

their coming out of your own mouth

And here you have the reverse problem.

imagines of death

“images”

a cackling voice inside your own head, reminding you of their power over you, mocking your stupidity for trusting them

This seems OOC. Chara’s appearance in the ending paints them as a very cold, humorless figure.

into as scowl

“a scowl”

“y-you can’t do this, n-not anymore.”

You forgot to capitalize this.

How had he noticed?

You shift POV here without using the transition line, which is disorienting. You should be consistent about how you handle POV shifts.

“Please if you’re listening….

You need a comma after “please”, also ellipses are always three dots, never two or four.

Nobody can help you know.

This sounds a bit strange. Do you mean “nobody can help you now”?

despite the mortal wounds inflicted upon.

Dropped a word here. You’re making a lot of mistakes in general. I’d recommend you get a beta reader.

This is nice, but the grammar errors make it hard to understand, especially towards the end.

welcome to the show

They were adopted by the kind and queen

You made a typo here.

Over run by grief

In this context, you want “overrun”, one word.

Chapter 2

You were shocked by hearing the monsters were allowed to roam the surface.

This is awkwardly worded. “Shocked to hear” might work better.

You remembered your grandparent mentioning something about a goat-like monster killing their sibling

Wait, is this referring to Chara? Chara fell down in the Middle Ages, it can’t have just been three generations since then. Unless this is meant to refer to one of the other six?

Also, I presume you’re trying to make a point about gender neutrality, but English really isn’t built for it, and it looks more awkward the more you try to force it. Unless it’s strictly necessary for the story, this would read a lot better if you gave the grandparent a set gender.

worried stricken

I’ve never heard this phrase before. I believe you mean “worried sick”?

that means you, dad

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one. This is also a weird way to phrase it in second-person, since “you” already has a set meaning in narration.

to runaway so suddenly

You want “run away”, two words. “Runaway” is a noun.

so…..

Ellipses are always three dots, never four or five.

you respond with simply

I’m not sure what this is trying to say. “Respond simply”?

though now in a much more high alert state of mind you didn’t react so scared to them this time

This is awkwardly worded and overwrought. I’m not sure what it’s trying to say.

This is interesting, but you seem to have trouble conveying what you want to say. I’d recommend you get a beta reader.

And yes I now know Chara fell down in 201X, I made these reviews a while ago before people told me the error of my ways. And I still hold that them falling in the Middle Ages JUST MAKES MORE SENSE OKAY

Not a Happy Story

the yelling from being her

??? Do you mean “behind her”?

catching her up

I’ve never seen this phrase before. “Catching up to her” is the standard phrasing.

catching her up with almost no effort at all, panicking she rushed on.

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

she breathed heavy

“Heavily”. “Heavy” is the adjective.

You’re writing dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

You’re making a lot of mistakes in general. I’d recommend you get a beta reader.

Deals by Starlight

Asgore tooks it like a heavy burden.

“takes”

if you were becoming

The rest of the story is in present tense, so this should be too.

Monsters had a strange obsession with the stars. You think it was because most of them struggled with the sun. It was too bright, and most of them lived in the dark too long. But the stars were beautiful and somewhat familiar.

This is a nice detail.

Often times when he said he was going home, he was here.

In this context you want “oftentimes”, one word.

It occurred to you he was sitting above your window for a reason, he was trying to make sure you were safe.

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

family diners

You want “dinners”. Diners are restaurants.

I realized, when I thought about the lamp, that you had to have known what exact size I was to put one there in advanced.

This is clever, though you want “advance”, not “advanced”.

You’re many things, but you don’t always obey the rules. You took more than one monster candy, after all.

And this is cute.

it works sometimes, but others it causes ripples that do damage to the world. the core will break down or the castle will collapse. after a time you learn what you can and can’t do with this power. bringing a lamp for you to hide behind, i can do, but i can’t, let’s say, kill you the moment i notice you have dust on your hand, because that’s not something the first sans would have done. he’d have waited until he saw no light in your before he struck.

Hmm… This seems a bit contrived and unnecessary. In canon, Sans doesn’t kill Chara immediately because he can’t remember other timelines. Saying that he’s still railroaded even when he does remember feels too… game-y, if that makes sense? The whole point of fanfic is to expand beyond the rigid constraints of canon, it’s a little boring to say things always have to happen exactly the way we know. Plus since this isn’t an omnicide fic in the first place, it’s pretty irrelevant — how would this interaction change if Sans could kill Chara early? Frisk still isn’t the kind of person to take the risk in the first place. (There is also the fact that Frisk never borks the universe with their time travel in the game, making the canon compliance of this dubious.)

i kill you and i kill you until you learn enough about me to kill me.

Wait, so Chara succeeded at full omnicide in a past timeline? Why isn’t Frisk possessed, then?

cause I don’t want to be that person

The “cause” here needs an apostrophe, ’cause it’s a contraction. You’re making a lot of errors in general, especially in verb conjugation; I’d recommend you get a beta reader.

Aside from the grammar errors, this is well-written.

One Last Soul to Save

Just like in the game, Frisk uses they/them pronouns.

??? Frisk never expresses any pronoun preference in-game.

You listen in on the others speak

I’m not entirely clear on what this is trying to say. “Listen to the others speak”?

“See you around.” she says

Typo.

you walked through the woods, towards the mountain, and fallen right in.

There’s a conjugation error here — that should be “fell”, not “fallen”.

the setting Sun

This shouldn’t be capitalized.

Aside from the grammar errors, this is well-written.

Chapter 2

Hm. Your dialogue is a little wonky — you format it correctly sometimes, but use the wrong punctuation other times. In case you need it, here are the full rules: Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

You made a promise.

Oh, so they did make it to the end of omnicide? Interesting, and ominous.

Your Honey-Sweet Soul

even with how easily they forgive each other, the sort of things you did and said left a lasting impression on their very souls. You are the only one they couldn’t really forgive.

Nobody but Frisk knows about Flowey, though. No one remembered the attack at the end. Unless Flowey has done something terrible to them in between the game’s ending and now, they shouldn’t have any reason to be so hostile toward him.

when you told her whom you were

“Who”. As a general rule of thumb, if you can replace it with “he” or “she”, you should use “who”, and if you can replace it with “him” or “her”, you should use “whom”.

This is sweet. I’m normally not in favor of Frisk suiciding to save Asriel, but if they already lived a full life it makes sense.

Floweytale

You’re making so many grammar errors I can barely understand the story. Get a beta reader.

I ‘ L L K I L L E V E R Y O N E. R I G H T?

The impact of this is diluted when you can’t make more than one space in a row, since it all mushes together lamely.

I’m also not clear what exactly happened. Asriel and Frisk swapped bodies after the Asgore fight? How?

Chapter 2

In this version Asriel is not Flowey because it makes me sad and they really are two differing entities.

So what, Asriel’s just permadead in this AU? Not sure how that’s any happier.

Asking for reader suggestions to direct your story is almost always a terrible idea that results in an incoherent mess. If you want your story to be a carefree, disjointed string of events, then it’s fine, but if you want to do anything else you need to plan things out yourself. My suggestion is that you think about what you really want to say with this story, and focus on maintaining that consistent theme. The story will be better for it.

Second Chance

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is frustrating and manipulative.

it’s far too late to stop it

The rest of the story is in past tense, but this is in present.

“No,” you whispered, barely able to believe what had happened, ”No

You’re generally writing dialogue correctly but you’re tripping up on a niche rule: when separating two sentences of dialogue with narration, the narration has to end in a period, since it completes a thought.

This is sweet, though I’m not sure how relateable it is to most players since Frisk doesn’t seem aware of their power in this. When I killed Toriel, I immediately thought “oh no I screwed up I have to go back and fix it!” Here, Frisk doesn’t seem to make a conscious choice, it just happens.

Into the Abyss

Ah, third-person POV, how I have missed thee.

king fluffy-buns

This is used in place of a name, so it should be capitalized — note that the game does this too.

Sans leaned forward. His glowing white eyes staring down into the impenetrable blackness.

The second sentence is a fragment. Either the period should be a comma, or “staring” should be changed to “stared”.

But for sans

Forgot to capitalize this.

You’re writing dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

Looking his brother strait in the eye sockets

“Straight”. “Strait” is a narrow passage of water.

You’re making a lot of mistakes in general. I’d recommend getting a beta reader.

but you could tell he was thinking

The rest of the story isn’t in second-person, so this “you” is out of place.

no other Skeletons that unusual

“Skeletons” is not a proper noun and therefore should not be capitalized.

I don’t think….

Ellipses are always three dots, never two or four. This is particularly important when you’re writing the story in Word, which autocorrects three periods to a noticeably different symbol.

Materials down here must have been scarce, since that cloth also made up the clothing the citizens of this city wore.

Wait, if materials are scarce, why are they using cloth? Cloth requires plants or animals to manufacture, neither or which they should be able to have if there’s no sunlight. Hide and spider-silk should be their only options.

volcanos

“volcanoes”

as wide a birth

“berth”

How do they have stained glass? You’ve said the whole place is made of solid obsidian, so where are they getting the sand? And if there’s no light there can’t be plants, so where are they getting the dye? I’m also unclear what use windows would be when they have so little light in the first place. Normal paintings seem more appropriate.

snapped taught

“Taut”. “Taught” means to teach.

fainted left

“Feinted”. “Fainted” means to fall unconscious.

your grace

This should be capitalized.

a pain of glass

“Pane”. “Pain” is what you feel when you’re injured.

she couldn’t move her anymore

Dropped a word here.

Frisk herd the sound

“Heard”. “Herd” is a group of animals.

Aside from the grammar errors, this is well-written. But you really need to fix the errors, they make the story very hard to follow.

This is also so far removed from canon that it’s basically original fiction and I can’t follow what’s going on. Not sure why people love doing that so much.

Undertale Short Stories and Miscellany

A drabble is a story consisting of exactly 100 words. It’s a writing exercise, not a word for any short story.

Patience

This is far too short for a first chapter. Chapters are typically longer than a single scene, especially when they introduce the reader to the story.

Chapter 2

You’re outfit

“Your”. “You’re” means “you are”.

You don’t need to convince yourself further Your

Forgot a period here.

Chapter 3

caption of the royal guard

“Captain”. A caption is a label.

You’re writing dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

to scope them into her arms

“Scoop”. “Scope” means to investigate or scan something.

If not for the fat that they hadn’t turned into dust despite being dead

“fact”

This would have read much better as a oneshot.

Broken Hearts and Mended Souls

but dabbles off-topic

“Dabble” can’t be used this way. I think you mean something more along the lines of “meander” or “wander”.

It is, at the very least, a welcome change from the depressing atmosphere of the previous room; anxiety-ridden and tired people, lamenting about the troubles in their life, with a sobering piano gently weeping its notes out.

You need a full colon here, not a semicolon.

lingering on the conversation had only minutes ago.

Dropped a word here.

Gripping tightly on the frying pan in your hand

This sounds awkward; I’m pretty sure you can’t use “on” that way. “To”, perhaps. Or just “tightly gripping the frying pan”.

quite awhile

In this context, it should be “a while”, two words. “Awhile” is only grammatically correct if you can replace it with “for a while”.

A wave of relief washes over as the wind

Dropped a word.

guess that means somethings on your mind

Forgot the apostrophe.

He is, almost literally, an enigma.

This makes no sense. “An enigma” isn’t a figurative phrase.

You make sure to sign slowly so Sans can catch it all, he doesn’t have an easy time reading fast.

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

Even the cold breeze outside that bit at your skin could only make them curl up for warmth. The chill inside is different. It freezes your stomach and makes it clench.

I like this, even if it’s a little cliche.

The Ungrateful

Why doesn’t this have a summary?

This is completely incoherent. Try harder.

Domesticated

Why doesn’t this have a summary?

Selectively Mute Frisk

This isn’t very compliant with canon, where Frisk is a chatterbox. Are you using the handwave that all monsters understand sign language?

This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader — in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. This is barely even a single scene, so I have no idea what the rest of the story will be like or what makes it different from the dozens of other stories with similar premises.

receding into indefinite rain

They are too soft of heart; they would spill it to Asgore the moment he asks them, when dangling it over the man’s head is the last petty revenge you are allowing yourself.

This is cute.

It is the last that disconcerts you most, for that is what you have always loved and hated most about him—the steadiness of his hands at all times. Those hands were your comfort when you lost Asriel and Chara, and you cursed them when Asgore used them to murder innocents.

This is a nice detail.

it is good to be able to eat real meat and eggs again, after so many centuries of nothing but bugs and vegetarian substitutes

Huh? The restaurants have burgers, and the mouth monster implies monster food is at least partially magic.

but whether because they are not in the mood for conversation or because their hands are busy with their utensils, they do not answer you

This should be “either”, not “whether”, I think.

And now—you have a sliver of hope. It is like the sun: It lights up your world, it warms you, but you are afraid to look at it directly.

This is a very nice simile. I like it.

At the very beginning… well, you thought that Frisk looked very like Chara too. Aside from your own resignation—you think that is probably why you were never able to make yourself ask for their name.

Ah. That’s a very good explanation that I hadn’t thought of.

These umbrellas are very clean, you think. If simply left in the bucket without any care, surely they should be thick with mildew by now.

Oh, interesting. I love it when characters make clever observations like this.

This is beautifully written and very sweet. The amount of detail you place into the description is amazing; it’s rare to see a writer truly convey all the memory and power of a familiar place. I also appreciate that you chose Toriel as the POV character — she’s one of my favorites, but almost no one writes about her.

This is another one by Feralphoenix, Softchara’s high priestess. It’s really a shame she’s a crazy Chara apologist, she’s a really great writer.

Mercy

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is frustrating and manipulative. Tags should never provide more information than the summary.

it doesn’t feel like home.

Forgot to capitalize this.

no—where

This is a very unusual way to write this. Long dashes are usually used to indicate a pause or transition. “Nowhere” is fine here.

I found Her

Toriel is not a god, so this shouldn’t be capitalized. Notice that he does not capitalize her pronouns in the game.

I bet someone like that is watching us right now, aren’t they…?

This, in particular, is a strange thing to include, since it’s an extremely meta line that doesn’t really make sense outside of the game.

everygame

Forgot a space here.

“You’ve been busy, huh?

Forgot the endquote.

Cause if

This needs an apostrophe in front, ’cause it’s a contraction.

he shrinks away but he can’t run

Yes he can; he can burrow.

Hello, you say. My name is Frisk.
[…]
There’s a choice. You think about it.

Who is the second “you” here?

This is… bizarre. You’re repeating scenes from the game, but paraphrasing rather than using direct quotes? I don’t understand the point of that. You should generally try to avoid just rehashing the source material, since everyone has already seen it. The only original addition — the point of the story — is at the very end, and only for a short blip that you don’t do anything with.

Also, why is the name Frisk? I expected you were going to make some point about that, but it never comes to anything.

But [They] Refused

9:50 p.m., October 31, 201X, a skeleton shuffles into Walgreens.

This is a sentence fragment. A period or colon after the date would make this make grammatical sense.

but the twenty four hours before that one you slept almost it’s entirety (again,) missed a third day of work

This is hard to parse, and a little unwieldy. The “twenty four hours” may be a bit much; if you changed that to “day”, this would read easier, I think.

You also want “its”. “It’s” means “it is”. That comma should also be outside the parentheses.

“Fuck.” he mumbles

That period should be a comma.

“I’m sorry, Flowey,” they begin, peering earnestly into the little creature’s eyes, “I’m

You’re generally writing dialogue correctly but you’re tripping up on an obscure rule: When two sentences of dialogue are broken by narration, the narration has to end with a period, since it’s completing a thought. So this should be [“I’m sorry, Flowey,” they begin, peering earnestly into the little creature’s eyes. “I’m]

Wanted us ‘t match

Not sure what that apostrophe is doing there. If you mean for it to be a contraction, the apostrophe should be on the other side (since it’s eliminating the O in “to”)

You sigh heavily; pushing your fists against your eyes and rubbing hard.

You need a different transition than a semicolon here. Semicolons link two independent clauses; in other words, you should be able to replace them with periods and have the resulting sentences still make sense. (See?) A comma is all you need here.

This is cute.

Seven to One

The keys slowly steadies

The verb conjugation is wrong here — should be “steady”, I think.

As they walk the long hallway, glancing over the broad, crowded vista of New Home.

This is a sentence fragment.

He’s only caught whispers here and there, but know from experience

“knows”

Except they aren’t he realizes

This needs a comma after “aren’t”.

passtimes

“pastimes”

And that is when realizes he’s

Dropped a word here.

while they child

“the”

This is very nice, and I’m glad it has a good ending.

The Longest Road

You’re writing dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

You have a lot of run-on sentences and comma splices. I’d recommend you read up on sentence structure and/or get a beta reader who specializes in it.

Boss Monsters

Are not proper nouns and thus should not be capitalized. Note that the game does not capitalize this term.

You took note of this place, it was part of the Ruins you hadn’t seen before. You looked around and saw three Boss Monsters, two of them recognizable as Toriel and Asgore, and one that you hadn’t seen before. You looked beyond them and saw something awful.

Asriel was laying on the ground and turning to dust.

Asriel died in the New Home garden, not in the ruins. Also, how does Frisk not recognize Asriel if they’ve completed the pacifist ending already?

I’m happy to be able to see mom again

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

A lot of this reads more like a summary than a story, which makes the story feel very rushed and sterile. In your future stories, I would recommend slowing down and taking more time to describe the events that occur.

Chapter 2

It’s impossible to memorize the entire script to a game as detail-oriented as Undertale, that said, I’ll try my best.

That’s what Let’s Plays are for.

In general, however, it is unwise to copy events directly from the game unless you are adding something else to them or making some point with it. Your audience is familiar with the source material, so rehashing the events is just filler and doesn’t add anything to the story. It’s fine to skip over or summarize those bits if you don’t change anything; your audience will understand what happened. I would recommend looking at chapter 3 of the fic “One by One” for good examples of this.

Toriel blocks the way.

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

“Hm? Your SOUL is…” Toriel noted, “No, that is not possible.”

It would be helpful if we got a description of what she was seeing. Frisk can see their soul as well, so they should be able to notice if anything is unusual.

You stood up and looked at her, eyes burning with tears, but refused to lift a finger to harm her, “…”

Visible silences are a visual art convention that doesn’t work in prose. I’d recommend against using them; they just look awkward.

Why doesn’t Frisk just tell Asriel they don’t plan to hurt her instead of just vaguely and ominously saying he needs to trust them? If I was Asriel I would be pretty suspicious that they were going to kill her.

You’re overusing unusual speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever trendy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

6 Comments

  1. illhousen says:
    You forgot to close the italics tag somewhere. Half of the post is entirely in italics.

    “Oh, so they did make it to the end of omnicide? Interesting, and ominous.”

    I think the fic tries to maintain the balance between Soft Chara and Chara Chara, which comes across as rather awkward. They appear to be more unhinged and erratic than creepy, which is a downgrade for a villain, and I’m not exactly excited at where this is going.

    And of course it’s about Sans even though Toriel handling the matter makes more sense and would have carried far more emotional impact.

    “This is another one by Feralphoenix, Softchara’s high
    priestess. It’s really a shame she’s a crazy Chara apologist, she’s a
    really great writer.”

    You’ve built up her reputation so much, I’m eagerly waiting for you to tackle the batshittery.

    1. Farla says:
      Huh, site panels on the right side are all in italics as well. Tags, recent comments, etc. Only within this post, however.

      Ah, yeah, that means that whatever template we’re using for this doesn’t have a way of quarantining tags by section. Interesting!

      1. illhousen says:
        EDIT: Sorry, just realized you were talking about different tags, nevermind.
    2. Mini-Farla says:
      You’ve built up her reputation so much, I’m eagerly waiting for you to tackle the batshittery.

      Haha, sorry, I quit long before she got really crazy. Most of the stuff I know about her I learned secondhand. If you really want to stare into the abyss, watch Uncommon Time and maybe glance over her tumblr.

      1. illhousen says:
        Damn, I really like meat shields between me and the abyss. Well, I guess I’ll lurk around to see what’s the fuss is about.
  2. alice says:
    One of mine is coming up! The other already did, but the one I’m thinking of is much more “oh my god, what the fuck is wrong with whoever wrote this”. Get hype, I suppose.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Skip to toolbar