[31] Undertale Reviews, Part 5


que sera sera

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is frustrating and manipulative.

You swirled around the small child, grinning (as per usual) , and coughed out a few buttercup petals.

There’s an extra space here.

Frisk responded by signing, which was also, the usual when they were unhappy.

The second comma shouldn’t be there, and “also the usual” is awkward wording. Just “usual”, perhaps? Or “standard”?

You gave a mock pout, and giggled, “Ree-eally?

“Giggled” isn’t a speech verb. Try to talk while giggling and you’ll see what I mean.

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

She didn’t hate you, or was scared of you

This doesn’t work — listed items need to share the same start point. In other words, it should make sense if you remove the first item, but “She was scared of you” conveys the opposite intended meaning here. This would have to be [She wasn’t hateful of you, or scared of you] or [She didn’t hate you, and wasn’t scared of you]. Personally, I would recommend the second.

you felt not much regret while you killed her

Are you a nonnative speaker? Negatives are generally avoided in prose, and look unusual. [you felt little regret] would flow better.

besides, where would you go?

Forgot the capital here.

When you climbed up the Mountain

“Mountain” is not a proper noun and thus should not be capitalized.

This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your chance to hook your reader — that means giving the reader a good idea of what the rest of the story will look like and demonstrating what makes your story stand out from the crowd. Right now, I have absolutely no idea what this story will be about other than that it involves Chara in some capacity, and that’s not really enough to make me anticipate the release of the next chapter.

Underfell

Thank you for including a description about the AU in your summary. I’ve seen far too many fics that don’t explain anything at all, which is very disorienting. I’d like to know if there’s going to be an explanation for good!Flowey, though, since that requires changing the canon’s metaphysics.

Oh, and one other thing: Most fics that give Frisk a defined gender make a tag for it. Not sure if you want to follow the general consensus or not, but, just a heads-up.

Why is Flowey referred to as “it”?

Of course, something like this resounded with the boy’s soul, and, wanting to help, took the flower with him.

The last clause here lacks a referent. It has to be something like “he took the flower with him” to make sense.

“Frisk, w-we should keep going.” It resolved.

You’re writing dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

You’re overusing unusual speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever trendy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

Both of them could see each others

“Others” needs an apostrophe after it, to mark possession.

duos

You also need a possessive apostrophe here.

running through nearly knee-high wasn’t the smartest idea

Dropped a word here.

Its dark eye socket emanating a crimson iris from within, looking hazy due to the ample fog still in the way.

This is a sentence fragment.

as well as a pair of red shoes

Wait, how can Flowey see this? Is Sans not sinking into the snow?

This ends very abruptly, and feels a bit too short for a first chapter.

Chapter 2

Flowey grimaced at the word ‘kill’

Does Flowey not know about the save powers in this?

Why is Sans’ defining trait insecurity? That seems kinda random, unless you’re swapping his and Papyrus’ personalities.

Also, why does Frisk have to carry Flowey around? Can Flowey not burrow in this AU?

Err

Your grammar is so bad I can barely follow the story. You need a beta reader.

*You called for help, but no one came.

It’s unwise to make grammar mistakes in your summary, even if it’s on purpose. Rightly or wrongly, people are going to initially judge your story by its summary, since it’s the first thing they see.

I’m not sure what you’re trying to do here. This isn’t a story, it’s a fragment of a scene. I have no idea what’s going on.

And Now We Move Forward

This is a summary, not a story. If you intend for this to set the stage, it would work fine as your actual summary, but making it a chapter of its own is awkward.

Chapter 2

You’re writing dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

Thoughts

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is frustrating and manipulative.

A drabble is a story consisting of exactly 100 words. It’s a writing exercise, not a word for any short story.

about how he wanted to catch one to earn favour of… Someone.

If an ellipses doesn’t end a sentence, what comes after it isn’t capitalized.

You can completely reset your progress. You can reload.

This ordering is a little awkward, since resetting is a bigger deal than reloading. Writing generally flows better when it builds in a logical order.

Papyrus recognizes you, at least you think, he always yells about how familiar you look.

That second comma doesn’t look quite right. I think you need either a semicolon or a period. I’d recommend a period, myself.

He chasted you

“chastised”

He wonders how long you can last until you start killing everyone

You switch to present tense here, even though this occurred in the past.

It hasn’t melt yet

“melted”

“He’s worried, you know,” Sans mused at your lack of words

That… really doesn’t sound like musing. Musing means to think aloud. This seems more like a direct statement.

though with the power of determination it may have been much fewer than she thought.

Wait, what? I don’t understand what you mean by this. Is Frisk thinking that the kids reset and went back to Toriel, but she thought they were different people?

This is nice enough, otherwise.

Kill or be Killed

While I appreciate that you give some explanation for Underfell, it’s pretty basic and the linked resource is not very good at providing additional information. Underfell is a really vague AU open to multiple mutually-exclusive interpretations, so it would be helpful if you could be more specific about what you’re working off of. Otherwise your readers are going to feel pretty lost.

flowey is on frisk’s side

Do you plan on having an explanation for this? This is the thing I find weirdest about Underfell, since it requires changing the metaphysics of the ‘verse.

he and his brother had subjected you to a number of life or death situations to be solved by quick thinking or face the permanent consequences

This is awkwardly worded.

the non-fatal of the multicolored tiles

As is this. The “of the” is unnecessary.

Wait, why does Frisk have to steal stuff? Is the town abandoned?

when you say “Trust me,” he says “Okay.”

You need a comma after “says”.

Or maybe it’s because he knows what it is to regret all the death and destruction you’ve caused.

??? Are you using the headcanon that Chara remakes the world into this after the omnicide ending?

you think My Immortal might be the library’s spotlight work this month

Why would monsters idolize human literature if they hate humans? This would make perfect sense for the canon monsters to do, but it doesn’t fit Underfell.

the warmth generating from the house fills you with determination

“Generating” can’t be used that way. “Emanating” sounds closer to what you want.

rendering your visibility at -300%

That’s a really weird way of phrasing it. Using exact figures in narration is very unusual and often unnecessary.

Why does Frisk have to hold on to Flowey? Can he not burrow in this universe?

even though that’s only a thing that weakling want

Dropped a word here.

Even though this is not a world were being nice does you any good.

“where”, also this is a non-sequitur.

This is better than most Underfell fic I’ve seen. I like the fact that Papyrus feels like someone who could reasonably be talked down instead of a comically evil caricature.

A consumption of bone.

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is frustrating and manipulative.

/you/

You can use HTML here.

okay..

There’s an extra period here.

people you were friends started disappearing

Dropped a word here.

You commend them on making it here without killing a single person. As if that’s an achievement. The child looks proud, like this is an achievement.

It’s not an achievement. It shouldn’t be a hard thing not to kill someone.

I like this.

You’re trapped in a moral play

Morality play.

This is interesting, if a bit disorienting. So Sans became Gaster?

[Deleted]

You leave it there, on the floor with blood pooling around it.

Monsters don’t bleed.

A Loox

If a word is preceded by an article, it’s not a proper noun and thus should not be capitalized. You may notice that the game treats monster names as proper nouns — “Froggit hopped into view” rather than “A Froggit hopped into view”, for instance.

Otherwise, this is nicely-written.

Chapter 2:

it’s voice

“Its”. “It’s” means “it is”.

how much it is willing to do

This sounds awkward. “What it is willing to do”, maybe, or “the lengths to which it’s willing to go”, sound more like what you’re trying to get at.

What did I tell you? Chara says. They’re monsters. It thinks you’re pretending too.

This is clever.

ERROR; del: underground.exp?

your sins of who you were, or rather who you could have been, crawls on your back.

The verb tenses of this sentence are inconsistent. You need “crawl” or “crawling”, not “crawls”.

Why are there spaces around the quotation marks?

You’re writing dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

He growls out, fear is pickling against your skin as you look into his glowing eye.

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

You’re making a lot of mistakes in general. I’d recommend you get a beta reader.

Ellipses are always three dots, never two or four.

PRIVATE!!! DO NOT READ

This one is good and you should read it first.

messy scribbling that you instantly recognized as Asriel’s handwriting

This is in past tense, but the rest of the story is in present.

He had good intoo he could sense when something was wrong.

I like this.

Okay, that’s it. Even you have limits. Good thing you still have crayons in your pockets from when you were colouring earlier.

I didn’t expect them to do this! Their commentary is gold. I particularly like “FINISH YOUR SENTENCES”

This is very cute and sweet.

Undervale

Ah, third-person past tense, how I have missed thee. (Most fics in this category are second-person present and I’ve gotten a bit tired of that.)

She lay on a bed of bright, golden flowers.. Marigolds?

You forgot to complete the ellipses here.

at least not low enough for her to reach..

And here it seems you added an extra period by mistake.

unblinking,”Wh– what?”

Forgot a space here.

You’re generally writing dialogue correctly, but you’re tripping up on an obscure rule: When breaking dialogue with narration, if you’re splitting two complete sentences, you need to end the narration with a period (since it’s its own complete sentence). If you’re splitting a single sentence, you end the narration with a comma, and the second part of dialogue isn’t capitalized (since it’s all the same sentence).

“I did die,” she thought, “And this is hell.”

Can “thought” be used for audible speech? I thought “mused” was used for that.

Also, when referring to the singular location, “Hell” is capitalized.

That… Was too joyful

When an ellipses doesn’t complete a sentence, like here, the following part isn’t capitalized.

wreckless abandon

“reckless”

“It’s kill–” Closer. Thorns grew along the flower’s stem. “Or be killed.”

When interrupting dialogue with a non-speaking verb like this, you need the same marker when the dialogue is resumed, to make it clear it’s a continuation. So this should be [“It’s kill –” Closer. Thorns grew along the flower’s stem. “– or be killed.”]

Reaching for her jeans, she hoped they weren’t smaller, too. They were skinny jeans, after all, and those were hard to pull up over her butt as-is. Shaking the fabric, she first examined it, then pushed her leg down into it, then the other. Here it was, the moment of truth– yep, they were a little smaller.
But she managed anyway, after a few moments of struggling to pull the pants up over her rear end, and another moment of struggling to get the button through its hole. Maybe they’d stretch out after some time wearing them.

Uh… Is this really necessary?

Either way, victory was her’s.

That apostrophe shouldn’t be there.

One end lead to only two other doors

The past tense of “lead” is “led”. It’s not very intuitive; English is weird.

The woman brightened, “Well

When dialogue is connected to a non-speaking verb, a period is used instead of a comma.

This is an interesting concept. Why isn’t Kara allergic to monsters, though? According to Snowdin, their bodies are mostly magic.

L-O-V-E

It was still early, though, he could guess just by looking with half-lidded eyes at the slight rays of sun that were passing through the curtains

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

leaving room

Living room?

a delicious smell of cinnamon proved him that Mom definitely was in the kitchen.

You’re missing a conjunction; this should be “proved to him” or something similar.

“Mom !”

There’s an extra space here.

“Mom, I was wondering,” the child spoke again

“Spoke” is, ironically, not a speech verb. I’d recommend changing it to “said” here.

They were… Human

When an ellipses does not complete a sentence, the following segment is not capitalized.

Dad’s large fingers tenderly stroke their cheek

“stroked”

This is cute, and I like the ending.

So after this I turned off email copies because I’m an idiot. I can get most of my reviews, but some authors threw hissy fits and deleted them, so they’re gone forever. I didn’t know AOOO let you do that, and it’s really turned me off from doing reviews there.

We’ll See Creation Come Undone

They didn’t know that when Frisk stared at the walls, the walls seemed to stare back

Forgot the period here.

They would watch out for mom and dad.

When used in place of a name, titles such as “mom” and “dad” are capitalized.

This is nice, if a little cliche.

[Deleted]

You’re writing dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

if sans were here

Forgot the capital.

You ignore him and tear your soul completely in half.

This feels like cheating. From what we see in canon, souls shatter if they’re ever broken, which implies it’s whole or nothing.

Leaving it’s memories

“its”

Avenge bad time with worse time

You’re writing dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

This is really awkwardly written and hard to follow. I’d recommend you get a beta reader.

Quantum Physics seems easier than this

Ooh, first-person, I don’t think I’ve seen that in this fandom yet.

You’re writing dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

Don’t ask them either, it’s. . . Not something to be brought up.

When an ellipses doesn’t end a sentence, the part after it shouldn’t be capitalized.

Despite being a humanoid type of person

This seems like a weird thing for her to think. I don’t see why she’d consider this relevant from her perspective; there are plenty of humanoid monsters that clearly have completely different biology.

and I had no idea what humans went through when they underwent puberty

This sounds like she knows about puberty to begin with? Why would she? Do monsters go through puberty?

It was one day near Christmas, they came to me not needing help with a period

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

How much exactly were they supposed to bleed?

If she’s done her research she should know the answer to this question. She should also know the bit about how it looks a lot worse than it is.

a mixture hydrogen peroxide

Dropped a word here.

in to my robes

In this case it should be “into”, one word.

Frisk then gave the most frustrated “UGH” sound before pushing the blanket off their body, their frown increasing as they glared at their stained pajama bottoms.

Wow, Frisk is really chill about this. I guess they read up on it in advance?

Texting

Frisk getting one glance at the name of the other person to know why

This is awkwardly worded.

Frisk sat the phone down on the table to their left

“set”

Frisk trailed off as the phone buzzed, Sans glancing at it from the corner of his eye

This is technically correct but feels strained and overextended. I’d recommend splitting it into two sentences.

Good…hey, mom?

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

Try to kill it all away (But I remember everything)

When an ellipses doesn’t complete a sentence, the following part shouldn’t be capitalized.

sweet friends faces […] Sans grim, smiling face above them

These are missing the possessive apostrophe.

San’s bones

And this has it misplaced. When marking possession for a word that ends in S, just add the apostrophe without the possessive S. So this would be [Sans’ bones]

help mom bake pies

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

…Except for “pal” and “buddy”. It’s not very intuitive but those are the rules, sorry.

people who weren’t themselves

This sounds awkward. I think the “-selves” is unnecessary; “them” works better here.

your ungly body

Typo?

you ok?

The correct form is “okay”, four letters.

Speech… isn’t something they’ve ever been good at.

Frisk is a chatterbox in canon. Most ACT commands involve talking.

The only sounds being clinking silverware and the whir of his computer engine.

This is a sentence fragment. It would work fine if you changed “being” to “are”, however.

anymore nightmares

“any more”

This really sounds like it should have been written in first-person.

This author completely lost it and led me on a merry wild goose chase as I tried to figure out what exactly set them off.

Farewell Stars

Centering your text makes it hard to read. Especially when you make paragraph breaks in the middle of sentences. Is this disorientation intentional? Even if it’s for artistic effect, I think both of them at once is too much.

You continued to scavenge a

and observe the place in peace

I’m not sure what happened here.

You’re writing dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

until a blue spear pierce the ground in front of you

The rest of the story is in past tense, but this is in present.

looking in all direction

“directions”

trying not to breath

“Breathe”. “Breath” is the noun.

Sans number

This is missing the possessive apostrophe.

Pap… Can…. C-Can you pick me up at…Uh..”

When an ellipses doesn’t end a sentence, the following part shouldn’t be capitalized.

Also, ellipses are always three dots, never two or four. Or five.

She had fish features on her and it really did make you wonder.

Wonder what?

another 2 months

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

MERCY

One thing that had strengthened their relationship since the little time they had been on the surface, was Kid’s idolization of Papyrus.

The comma is unnecessary here.

While their idolization of Undyne was quick to die out, they still loved Papyrus and since Papyrus could understand American Sign Language

You need a comma after the first “Papyrus”. Your comma usage in general is a little wonky. It might be a good idea to consult a beta reader.

It was slow goings

“Going”. Unless this usage is part of a dialect I’m unfamiliar with.

“What are you doing here Stan?”

When addressing a person, you need a comma before their name. So this should be [“What are you doing here, Stan?”]

“Shut up Sarah!” Stan yelled. Sara

Huh? Is her name Sarah or Sara?

He spoke the word ‘monsters’ as one would say the words ‘DDS’ or ‘IRS’.

This seems like a weird comparison to make when referring to a kid.

now that there’s no reason to worry about falling in

Huh? Was the hole boarded up or something? Otherwise there should still be a danger of falling, it just won’t mean they’ll be trapped there.

“And how is that Frisk’s fault exactly?” Kid asked, “Cause it

You’re generally writing dialogue correctly, but you’re tripping up on an obscure rule: When breaking up two complete sentences of dialogue with narration, you end the narrative sentence with a period instead of a comma, since it’s a complete thought. You also need an apostrophe in front of “cause”, ’cause it’s an abbreviation.

You cry, silently in fear of more discipline.

I can’t parse this. I think you have to either remove the comma or add another one after “silently” for this to make sense. Although I’m not sure how you can cry silently? Quietly, maybe, but crying generally involves sobbing.

would tell someone in a position of power what had happened

Like the IRS comparison, this feels a bit weird in relation to kids. Kids wouldn’t phrase it this way. I presume you’re trying to go for third-person omniscient, but the tone is still a little dissonant.

LOADing a SAVE

This shade of yellow is a bit bright for the white background. Is it possible to darken it slightly?

Their energy spent during the attack, which was slowly leaving still

I can’t parse this either.

Ah, wingdings. At least you used the font instead of the images so it’s easy to translate.

This is one of the few stories of this type I’ve seen so far that feels competently executed. Chara’s interruptions and Frisk’s dissociation are nicely creepy. I’m interesting in seeing where this goes.

Chapter 2

Ah, you’re using fonts? I generally find them to be awkward, but they do go well with all lowercase Sans.

Frisk’s could hear

???

They sat up and rubbed their eyes with their fists and then blinked groggily

The second “and” doesn’t work as a conjunction here. A comma would work better.

Why aren’t you giving the translations for Frisk’s messages? It’s a bit hard to follow their conversation without them.

Hm. Nothing much happened this chapter.

SpidERSpins

It’s not determination, not really, but when a spider is close to death they’ll focus all their energy on maintaining their physical form.

Ooh, that’s a clever explanation for how they can be used as ingredients. I never thought about that.

a Froggit

This shouldn’t be capitalized, though, since it’s a common noun the same way “spider” is.

This is a neat idea, and well-written overall.

I saw the blossom form

hide their knife from mom

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

“Aw, c’mon, Chara, don’t lie! You wouldn’t have caught me if I hadn’t tripped!”

“Then you shouldn’t have tripped,” Chara teases, and you scowl.

I like this.

Well! Not this time. You’ll trick them right back. All you have to do is find the best hiding place ever.

I think something went wrong with your italics tags here. The center part is all italics.

Ohh, they were using hide-and-seek so they could murder with impunity. That’s creepy. I didn’t see that coming.

But a whimsum is a tiny thing; why is there so much dust on Chara?

And this is a really unsettling detail.

and so do what you’d do for anyone else

Dropped a word here.

When they finally pull away, the dust clings to you as well.

Ooh, symbolism!

(More than anything, you want to have been the one to make them stop crying.)

This is so sickeningly, innocently selfish in such a perfectly kid-like way. It evokes quite a bizarre mix of emotions. Well-done.

with something akin vulnerability

Dropped a word here, though.

This is horrifying and lovely. I particularly like the way you write Chara.

This one’s been orphaned. It was originally written by someone who later got sucked into the Softchara cult, and presumably felt the need to scrub all evidence that they ever thought Chra was less than a perfect saint. That’s really creepy.

a name is a spell

I normally don’t care for poetry, but this is nice.

Everyone Can Change

When you’re writing an AU, it’s considered good courtesy to explain the relevant divergences from canon so readers aren’t lost. This is especially true for Underfell, where everyone seems to have a different interpretation of it. If I hadn’t heard of Underfell before, I’d have no idea what was going on here.

You however had been expecting this confrontation.

Unless you want this to sound extremely hurried, you should have commas around “however”. Also, why was Frisk expecting this?

“What do you want.” Flowey asks.

You’re generally writing dialogue correctly, but you made a mistake here.

San’s eye sockets

This apostrophe is misplaced. When denoting possession for a word that already ends in S, you just place an apostrophe after it — so this should be [Sans’].

if you refuse to fight… asgore will take your soul and destroy humanity. but if you kill asgore and go home… monsters will remain trapped underground.

In a universe where monsters are actually evil, that last part… isn’t much of a deterrent. Why would Frisk want to free the monsters in this universe? I would expect Evil Sans to taunt Frisk with some kind of mocking “oh, but that’ll mar your perfect pacifist record”, especially if the whole point is that he doesn’t understand why Frisk is doing this.

Your tenses are flipping between past and present all over the place. This is incredibly jarring.

“Because I’ll kill you where you stand.”

This is really tiny for some reason, which dilutes the impact. Is it possible to size it up?

As you thought, he was going to try and kill you. Was there no one here who would do such a thing?

I think you lost track of your negatives. This is saying that there’s no one who would try to kill Frisk. You want “wouldn’t”, not “would”.

hey, what comes after “thrice,” anyway?

When you quote inside a quote, you use single quotes instead of double quotes; otherwise, the reader will be confused about where the dialogue ends. (If you quote inside a quote inside a quote, you go back to double quotes.)

It’s getting easier for you to stay on your toes without resort to healing items.

“resorting”

he doesn’t think humans and monsters can live in peace. hell, i don’t believe it either. it’s hilarious to think about though. us, living in peace when they were the ones who drove us down here.
[…]
You comment that everyone can change. They can become the better version of themselves, if only they want to work for it.

Okay, so they have an actual reason for hating humans instead of just doing it for the evululz? That seems like a pretty obvious opening for negotiation, so why does Frisk just philosophize vaguely in response to this instead of addressing the point directly?

How human have become better

“humans”

you’ll give asgore what he wants… so i’m not going to let you do that.

Wait, why does he want to betray Asgore? Doesn’t he want to escape the Underground too?

Well, that ended abruptly.

I’m not entirely clear why Sans is doing this. Why does he want to kill Frisk himself? If he’s trying to sabotage Asgore’s plan, why? If he hates humanity so much, why doesn’t he want monsters to escape and trample them? Is he worried that they’ll lose the war again? And if his entire motive is that he’s actually terrified of humans, why does he ignore the evidence staring him in the face, which is that Frisk clearly doesn’t want to kill anyone? If he made some sort of rational counterargument, like “You’re a freak exception, if we get out we’re still doomed” or “You’re just acting nice so I’ll let you go to Asgore and then you’ll kill him and doom us all”, then his behavior would make sense. But him going “lala I can’t hear you” is just baffling.

spectrum

“I am Toriel,” she whispers, “I watch over these ruins. And I will not hurt you.”

You’re generally writing dialogue correctly, but you’re tripping up on an obscure rule: When you break two sentences of dialogue with narration, the narration has to end with a period (since it’s a complete thought). So this should be [“I am Toriel,” she whispers. “I watch over these ruins. And I will not hurt you.”]

Besides,” he turns her head

Forgot the S in “she” here.

and you are discovering something you’ve had an inkling towards ever since you were a child; you are very sick.

I think this should be a full colon, not a semicolon.

you absentmindedly walked towards it

The rest of the story is in present tense, so this should be as well.

you are in no shape to do anything than what you’re used to

I think there needs to be an “other” between “anything” and “than”, or else “than” needs to be changed to “but”.

Hm. This feels a little rushed and the illness seems a bit contrived, but it does explain why they died so early. Still, how did Asgore get their soul? Are the footsteps at the end not Toriel?

[Deleted]

if it wasn’t by the fact that it was

That should be “for the fact”, I think.

You felt as if even the wind could rip all of your limbs off by just moving you

This is awkwardly worded, and it took me a few reads to parse it. “Could rip off all your limbs” would probably flow better, and I’m not entirely sure what you mean by “by just moving you”.

and you, trapped in the flower body, screamed in terror this time, but this time

The repetition of “this time” is awkward, especially because the sentence is so long. I think I get what’s going on here — this time it’s “you” that’s screaming, not the other person/body, but it’s a little hard to understand. It might be better if the thoughts were split, like “this time you were the one to scream” or something.

brushing the sweat from under your bangs

I’ve… never heard wiping away sweat described as “brushing”. It sounds pretty weird to use that verb in relation to a liquid.

How long had it been? Two months since they appeared?

The subjects are jumbled here — “How long had it been since they appeared? Two months?” would flow better.

In general, I’m finding this story interesting and better-written than average, but I think you’re trying to hard too make your prose sound ornate. This drags down the story, because it’s hard to understand what’s going on. You should slow down and really think about what information you want to convey, and only add flourishes around that vital core afterward. Comprehensibility is the most important part of writing; pretty prose is a bonus.

“They say anyone that goes up there goes missing,” your boss’ voice brought you back face-first to reality

You’re generally writing dialogue correctly, but in this case, that comma should be a period, because the paired narration uses a non-speaking verb (“brought you back”).

“I don’t know why, but when I look up there, I feel like I lost something…

You also forgot the endquote here.

This is an acceptable prologue, but it still feels a bit short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader — in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. We haven’t even gotten to the Underground yet, so I have no idea what makes this story different from all the other Underfell fic. That’s a bit risky, since not all your readers will have the patience to keep clicking to find out.

Chapter 2?

enough Biology classes

“Biology” is not a proper noun and thus should not be capitalized.

the person I usually ask to retrieve them are

Should be “is”, not “are”.

you can see why is urgent, dear

Dropped a word here.

you couldn’t find any sort of signal of life
[…]
All the birds chirping

These lines seem contradictory.

“Easy peasy…” You repeated

“Repeated” is a speech verb, so “you” shouldn’t be capitalized here.

a wet leave

“leaf”

You skid to a halt

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

which lead you

The past tense of “lead” is “led”. Yes, English doesn’t make much sense.

,i>Things would have been different if you had seen it, even if the phone had rung without any service…

You didn’t even get to see who was calling.

Ooh, this is an interesting plot hook. Will we learn what happened here?

Chapter 3?

how high and faraway it looked

“Faraway” is an adjective. In this context you want “far away”, two words.

you brushed dust (and dirt) your jeans.

Dropped a word here.

Monsters

Not a proper noun, shouldn’t be capitalized.

finding yourself being startled with your own breathing

This is awkwardly worded, and is unwieldy — “finding yourself startled by your own breathing” would be more succinct.

strange, like choked

I have no idea what this means.

“You can’t leave if you’re dead.”

That seems… really nonsensical. What is she trying to accomplish with this? If they die, she still loses them. Is she trying to take the protag’s soul instead?

A flash of red exploded in chest

Dropped a word.

for once you thanked your mind for thinking clearly in, well… this moment, you couldn’t even sort it as you ran without looking back, adrenaline pumping through you.

This pensive, meandering tone is dissonant with the tension and action going on. It’s generally a good idea to have the tone of prose match the current events of the story.

but your body soon began to ache due to the fall, breathing was becoming harder and you felt really close to a heart attack on the spot.

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two.

You saw a house in the distance

Huh, already? That was fast.

Toriel’s voice reached your eyes

Do you mean “ears”?

“… Why would they stay if you wanted to kill them?”

Who’s saying this?

Ah, so the protagonist isn’t Frisk, interesting. I’m curious to see how this will go with some things already established.

2 Comments

  1. illhousen says:
    “This one is good and you should read it first.”

    The tags put me on edge instantly, but the fic doesn’t take itself too seriously to be peeved at it, and it’s silly and funny enough that I’m not inclined to think about heavy matters of morality and would rather simply enjoy reading about kids being kids. Pretty good, all in all.

    “So after this I turned off email copies because I’m an idiot. I can
    get most of my reviews, but some authors threw hissy fits and deleted
    them, so they’re gone forever.”

    This is bad and you should feel bad. Do you at least remember any particularly hilaribad things from that bunch?

    “This author completely lost it and led me on a merry wild goose chase as I tried to figure out what exactly set them off.”

    I especially like the “You’re a fool, Fool” attempts at insults.

    “It’s not determination, not really, but when a spider is close to
    death they’ll focus all their energy on maintaining their physical form.”

    This one is neat. Muffet is severely underused in the fandom. I get that her role is pretty small and she’s not an important character, standing on the periphery of the main conflict and all, but still. I feel like she would be a nice fodder of side gags if nothing else and could potentially be used for something more substantial.

    “That’s really creepy.”

    It is. The actual creepy part is that they’re still fond of the fic and don’t want to delete it outright. I can understand deleting an old fic in which you think the characters are wildly OOC. That can be embarrassing to keep around. But they don’t mind the existence of the fic, they want to distance themselves from it because they have accepted Soft!Chara as their Savior and Loader, and the result strikes me as somewhat unhealthy.

    1. Mini-Farla says:
      This is bad and you should feel bad. Do you at least remember any particularly hilaribad things from that bunch?

      Nope. If you check the dates you’ll notice that I made these half a year ago. I can’t remember anything specific.

      I especially like the “You’re a fool, Fool” attempts at insults.

      Indeed. My stupid username has been surprisingly useful as a manchild detector.

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