[34] Undertale Reviews, Part 7

Seven is the number.


If You’re Really A Friend

all the noise that had filled is a mere seconds before

This should be [all the noise that had filled it mere seconds before].

had accumilated on his forehead

“accumulated”

You alternate between past and present tense seemingly at random. This is very distracting; tense should be consistent throughout a story.

It might have been his first time actually seeing a human corpse, but the numbers on his phone told him otherwise. He glanced at the tiny screen. 36. A press of a button and it changes to 37.

This is a clever explanation for how he’s able to keep count. I don’t think I’ve seen anyone do this before, and I’m grateful you’re acknowledging the fact he can’t remember past timelines.

He stuffs the phind

What?

Under Heaven

Frisk was silent. Of course, they were never much for conversation

Frisk is a chatterbox in canon. Most ACT commands involve talking.

“Frisk! You’ll never guess what my new job is! You see, King Asgore decided that I was such an integral part of this community, my exceptional talents were needed below the surface, and deemed to promote me to…” he took a deep breath, “Royal Regional Relocation Administrator!”

You’re generally writing dialogue correctly, but you’re tripping up on an obscure rule: When interrupting a sentence of dialogue with a non-speaking verb, the narration is considered its own sentence and must be formatted as such. So this should be [“Frisk! You’ll never guess what my new job is! You see, King Asgore decided that I was such an integral part of this community, my exceptional talents were needed below the surface, and deemed to promote me to…” He took a deep breath. “Royal Regional Relocation Administrator!”]

“Hello Toriel. It is I, Papyrus. Equals sign hyphen close parenthesis underscore close parentheses.” He knelt down beside Frisk and whispered, “That’s me.” He stood up, cleared his throat again, and continued. “Guess who we just ran into. Hyphen underscore hyphen.” He knelt down next to Frisk and whispered, “That’s you.” He stood up, made sure Sans was getting the emoticons right, and then knelt back down. “Also, who’s Toriel?”

This is excellent.

Sans supplying the appropriate groaner when necessary

Hm? I’m not entirely sure what this means.

“Snails are ‘monopods’, Frisk. Their entire body is one giant foot.” Toriel told them.

You forgot the comma here.

This is interesting and well-written. Your Papyrus is particularly good.

(Alternate ending of Timelines)

IF YOUR READING THIS AND HAVE NOT READ MY OTHER FIC TIMELINES, SOME OF THIS MIGHT NOT MAKE SENSE, PLEASE READ TIMELINES FIRST.

You might want to make this part of a series, so it’s easier for readers to see the original.

Also, “you’re”. “Your” is the possessive form of “you”.

one ages the other doesnt.

This should be [One ages, the other doesn’t.] You should be very careful not to have grammar errors in your summary, as that is the first thing readers will see and thus forms their first impression of your story.

Your grammar is generally wonky, especially in regards to sentence structure. I would recommend you get a beta reader.

You’re writing dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

A good chunk of this reads more like a summary than a story, which makes the story feel rushed and sterile. I would recommend you slow down and describe events and surroundings in greater detail, or simply skip them if they are unimportant.

The Adventures of Short Shit and Chara

It was strange, you simply floated above a bed of flowers

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

Your comma usage is generally a little wonky. I would recommend you get a beta reader to help with them.

A n d y o u k i l l e d e v e r y o n e .

AO3 strips multiple spaces, so trying to do this with more than one word falls flat, as the whole thing blurs together into a limp jumble. I would recommend against it.

This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader — in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. This is just a single scene that sets the stage, which is typically the thing that goes above a first chapter.

Chapter 2

Ellipses are always three dots, never two or four.

You’re writing dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

Also I need some feedback, should i include the puzzle walkthrough type stuff y/n? The story will remain largely on plot line up until around ruin exiting time, but will vary later, so i guess the walkthrough isn’t needed, but skipping it might seem awkward.

I’m not entirely sure what you mean. I’m sure any response to this is probably outdated by now, but in general, I recommend skipping things that serve no purpose in your story. Don’t feel like you have an obligation to trudge through boring, irrelevant stuff to get to “the good part” — your readers are familiar with the source material, so you’re free to skip around if you like.

Chapter 5

You’re overusing unusual speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever trendy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

How is Chara’s soul present? It shattered back when Asriel died. Chara’s consciousness is soulless.

Chapter 6

Don’t do this — or if you do, place it in its own spinoff fic rather than interrupting the story. If you’re not going to take your story seriously, neither will your readers.

What I said about your first chapter also applies to all of them. Chapters should be longer than single scenes; the entire story up to this point probably could have been condensed into a single chapter, in fact.

The Monster Files

drabbles

A drabble is a story consisting of exactly 100 words. It’s a writing exercise, not a word for any short story.

Apparently their King’s

When used as an object (such as when being preceded by a possessive, like here), titles are not capitalized.

This is a nice intro. The characters’ banter is amusing without being too distracting.

Chapter 2

This is a thing of beauty. Passive-aggressive email exchanges that get progressively more and more out of hand are always gold.

monster child identified as A. Monster

Haha, this is Kid’s official name in this? Perfect.

The investigators seem pretty dumb, though. It’s been years and they still don’t understand they should at least be suspicious that magic is involved? And woah, did Sans kill that guy? I feel a little bad for him.

Chapter 3

PERSON ON THE STREET #2: Naw, man, that was hilarious. Like, good to know these royal types got a sense of humour, you know?

CHILD ON THE STREET: I used to be scared there was a monster in my closet, but I didn’t know they were funny. I want one there now.

PERSON ON THE STREET #3: I was worried that having a monarchy establishing itself in this country was a terrible idea, but they’re people just like us. And that speech the Ambassador gave after was fantastic. I really think this could be good for us. I’m excited to see what happens next.

Ah, so Sans wasn’t just being a dick. Clever.

File 3:

The “File” here isn’t italicized.

File 4: Figure 1:Patient recovery rates. Figure 2: Hospital discharge rates. Note spike in both figures corresponding with revised menu.

Ah, interesting. (Though the “figure 1” colon seems to be missing a space.) I presume this is due to monster food being magic?

Chapter 4

Apparently all those trust exercises we do in training are actually good for something.

Ha!

Said agent is no longer with us. He returned the camera and joined the school.

This is kind of creepy, though. Was it just a coincidence, or was it mind control?

P. SKELETON: THE PEPPERS ARE A METAPHOR FOR OUR LOVE!

Amazing. You write Papyrus very well.

Chapter 6

We managed to transcribe most of the station tapes before they got overwritten with the pilot for season one of “Metta-makeover!” Man, was it ever different back then. I’m glad they stuck with the new format. My sister can’t get enough of that show.

I like that you come up with different shows and commentary every time. It keeps the running gag from becoming too stale.

uh, yeah.ludicrous.

Missed a space here. And huh, I see you’re doing the perfect recall Sans AU.

the Captain might have gotten roped in

Hm. I don’t think that should be capitalized, since it’s being used as a common noun.

His Majesty over there already did the east entrance, and we don’t really have much of a budget to fix them.

Ah, I see. I was going to grumble about portraying Toriel as a hysterical mother hen, but if Asgore is being overprotective too it sticks out less.

OFFICER: Twoie’s doing great, Your Majesty. Misses the Embassy, of course, but you know dragons when they get broody. The egg we adopted should hatch any day now, though. He’ll be a lot happier when he can move away from the nest for more than two minutes.

This is lovely.

uh….

You’ve got an extra period here.

this fair is a part of their human heritage it is important for them to learn about

This sounds a little awkward; I think there are too many iterations of “is”.

mutual.[He

Missed a space.

T. DREEMURR:[quietly]

Same here.

You should cumin.

I’m not sure if this works. I’ve always heard it pronounced “kyoo-min” rather than “come in”.

Extreme Knitting (with U. Actinopterygii)

I’m sure that class must be amazing.

I’m still not entirely sure why the monsters are secretive to this extreme. It’s been 5-6 years, right? And monsters seem to have integrated well enough to join the police force as early as when Frisk was 11. This secrecy and mucking with government files seems like it would create more paranoia then it would avert. Is there something specific they’re afraid of?

Penance

thousand-watt-smile

I normally find this metaphor a little forced, but it’s perfect for Mettaton.

The Justice Award for, conflict resolution.

Looks like you misplaced the comma here.

as momentum built….

You have an errant period here.

…Hm.

I’m normally irritated by the “Toriel and Asgore fall in love again” plot, and it rather turned me off to your first Under Shield fic. However, what bothers me most about it is how often it’s just casually tossed into the background of a story, as if it is inevitable and requires no explanation or justification. I am glad that you have taken the time to truly examine the implications of their relationship and the reasons they had for breaking up. The focus on Asgore’s genuine regret and attempt at redemption gives a lot more legitimacy to the plot than usual.

This is also a very interesting idea, and it makes a lot of sense for the school to do this. So, the spirits of the six children are still around, and the flowers mean they accept the recipients of the awards?

B r o t h e r s

It is generally considered courteous to provide an explanation of the AU you’re using, to ground your readers. If I had never heard of Underfell before, I would have no idea what was going on here.

He had never wanted to work for anybody besides from himself.

This construction doesn’t work — you need either “besides himself” or “aside from himself”.

unless if they

That “if” shouldn’t be there.

not as strong is Papyrus

“not as strong as”

This had been learned when

This is passive voice, which is generally something you want to avoid. It’s better to place the subject of the sentence first and directly connect it to the verb — such as “He learned this when” — as that sounds less awkward and makes your prose stronger.

You’re making a lot of similar mistakes. I presume you are a nonnative speaker? If so, I highly recommend you get a beta reader to help you with these details; writing prose in a foreign language is extremely difficult, and you will need help, especially if you are new at this.

“…A royal guard…” The flower whispered

You’re writing dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, you’re overusing unusual speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever trendy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

Sans’ right eye was glowing bright red, as it always did when he used an attack. Yet, this wasn’t an actual attack, it was just a trap that he could use that caused no harm to the victim.

This is confusing. So this normally signifies one thing but it’s irrelevant because something completely different is happening? I’m not sure what the point of this line is.

Just let us go already, ok?

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

It seemed that Frisk wasn’t a talker.

Frisk is a chatterbox in canon. Most ACT commands involve talking.

I like Sans in this. He’s recognizable as, well, Sans. Most Underfell fic completely changes the characters such that they have absolutely no relation to their canon counterparts.

Hushabye

the leaves skirl away beneath your feet

Huh? Google tells me skirl means to make a shrill, bagpipe-like sound. Do you mean “swirl”?

“ hey kiddo, i need you to get back to your house, okay? ”

Why are there extra spaces around the quotes?

B u t I ‘ v e g o t a b o n e t o p i c k w i t h y o u . . .

Oh, you actually got this to look right? How? Every time I’ve seen other people try it, they can’t get the spacing between words right and it all blends together into a mess.

the little drafts that always manage to sneak through the house in the wintertime, like they’re lonely being left outside.

I like this.

This is cute and sweet. Although I have to imagine that nestling into a ribcage would be a little uncomfortable!

Across Time and Space

But, sadly, that’s part of the curse of being a time traveler. You have to remember.

Not in canon, he doesn’t. If Sans has perfect recall, that’s an AU and you should note that in the tags.

Using quotes for thoughts makes characters look like they’re talking to themselves. Single quotes are less disorienting, but it’s still strange.

“C’mon, your Majesty,”

The “your” should be capitalized here as well.

Otherwise, this is interesting. I appreciate that you know how much information to include in a first chapter; that’s a rarity on this site.

Chapter 2

“SANS!” Papyrus eventually yelled in frustration, his teeth clacking together in irritation, “don’t you know anything?!”

You’re generally writing dialogue correctly, but you’re tripping up on an obscure rule: when separating two complete sentences of dialogue with narration, the second bit of dialogue is its own sentence and should be capitalized. So this should be [“SANS!” Papyrus eventually yelled in frustration, his teeth clacking together in irritation. “Don’t you know anything?!”]

You’re overusing unusual speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever trendy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

It waited until Sans eventually ran out of energy, and then, when he was too tired to keep his eye sockets open any longer…

So Chara did reach the end of the omnicide route? Why haven’t they possessed Frisk yet?

when asked, they always claim to be human, and that was it. They also mention

The rest of the story is in past tense, but these two clauses are in present.

Pictures of Frisk were everywhere, documenting his growth throughout the years.

“His”? I thought Sans just said Frisk was genderless?

“Papyrus! What did I say? Shh!” She scolded

Starting here, you start capitalizing dialogue clauses for some reason. In case you’re confused on the rules… Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts.

The humans’ eyes

Human’s. Apostrophes on the outside are for plural possession, such as when referring to eyes from multiple humans.

though the human had had yet to make any lethal move towards them, Sans wanted to be ready if and when it eventually happened.

Why is Sans so paranoid? Just because of Frisk’s murderous behavior?

“Princess?” She questioned

“Questioned” is what police do; think “interrogated”. It’s not synonymous with “asked”.

who still smiled no matter how Sans’ jokes were

I think you dropped a word here.

Chapter 3

One of the human kids had said something derogatory about Toriel, and Frisk had punched the kid in the face.

That seems a little out of character, but one could chalk it up to teenage impulsiveness. And I suppose it is possible that this is a Frisk who killed Flowey the first time through.

“I’m still just gonna call you Princess,” he said with a lazy shrug.

That’s… pretty dickish. Combined with This also amused Sans; her pout was very reminiscent to Frisk’s he’s setting off some creepy red flags. Refusing to call someone by their preferred name and then dismissing their negative reactions is really controlling behavior.

Chapter 5

“Don’t worry,” he spoke

Spoke is, ironically, not a speech verb, so this has to be either [He spoke. “Don’t worry,”] or [“Don’t worry,” he said] to be grammatically correct.

Flowey seems OOC here. The reset stinger seems to imply he doesn’t immediately revert to his genocidal edgelord behavior and is at least trying to be good again. If he just goes back to torturing everyone, that also raises the question of why Frisk is enabling him instead of leaving him in the underground — you know, like Asriel explicitly requested because he was afraid of this exact outcome.

I’m unclear on why Toriel’s healing magic can’t help with Aeris’ soap opera disease. Even if you handwave it by saying magic can’t cure disease or genetic defects, she should at least be able to treat the symptoms.

I’m starting to see why Ember is so disillusioned with the houseplant AU.

[Deleted]

Monsters

Is not a proper noun and therefore should not be capitalized.

Even at my young age I, innocence was something that had long since left me.

I can’t parse this. I don’t think that “I” is supposed to be there.

I belonged to a culture where humans could feed the entire world but let the poor starve, heal the sick but let the ill die, reach the stars but still fought with one another on the ground

What? No they don’t. Chara fell down ages before the modern era. The war took place in the Middle Ages, so if it’s still in living memory, the best technology they should have is the plow.

This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader — in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. This seems more appropriate for a summary, or a prologue that goes at the top of a first chapter.

Chapter 2?

Mount. Ebott.

You don’t need the first period.

This is also too short. Chapters should not be summaries of single scenes. If all your chapters are this length, the whole thing probably would have read better as a oneshot.

Chapter 3?

Dade

Typo.

“Such good manners!” They say.

You’re writing dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

I what knew Chara needed now

You seem to have mixed up some words here.

Chapter 4?

despite how drastically they are from each other

Dropped a word here.

Chapter 5?

But… There’s one subject in school that chara doesn’t like.

When an ellipses doesn’t end a sentence, the following part isn’t capitalized. Also, you forgot to capitalize Chara’s name.

We accept it as common place

In this context, you want “commonplace”, one word.

hope,

-And fear.

When you do this, you have to use the same punctuation on both sides. Dashes and commas denote pretty short pauses, so I think what you’re going for might be better served by

[hope…

…and fear.]

Chapter 6?

The room is so thick with enchantment; you can feel it shake your very core.

A semicolon is technically correct here but sounds very awkward. You could do without it entirely — [The room is so thick with enchantment you can feel it shake your very core.] works fine, and provides a clear connection: you can feel the enchantment in your core because it’s so thick.

seen human souls

Typo.

Chapter 7?

whit a pie

Typo.

So Chara purposefully decides to poison Asgore… why, exactly? Are they trying to take his soul? Seems incongruous when you’re trying to portray Chara as selfless.

Chapter 8?

full-fill his dying wish

You don’t need the dash here. It’s “fulfill”, one word.

So they are trying to murder Asgore on purpose? That seems eviler than they acted in canon, where their plan was to sacrifice themselves. Again, this behavior is incongruous with the self-deprecating and selfless characterization you’ve been trying to build up.

After it was all over, his death would be remembered as a valiant sacrifice and his name would go down in history for all time as the Great King who helped free all Monsters. He would be eternally worshiped and praised, and knowing this would make all the deception worth it.

Why? How? He’d be dead, Chara would be the liberator. They seem to have thought out some parts of this way too much and other parts not at all.

Chapter 9?

to please dad

Forgot the capital here.

net time

Typo.

“Yeah…,” Chara said

You don’t need the comma here.

Chapter 10?

I had been hoping it wouldn’t have had to come down to this, but I was left with no other choice. I would have to give up my own soul if I wanted to set my family free.

Why doesn’t killing Asriel occur to them as an option? If they trust Asriel to take their soul, they can probably convince Asriel to die for them. It’s especially bizarre when they acknowledge Asriel is a weenie who lacks their determination; if Chara is willing to do this at any cost, it’s far more pragmatic for them to be the one at the helm.

Chapter 11?

I can’t help but notice you’ve skipped over all the video recorder scenes. Those are kind of important to Chara’s character, especially their reaction to the buttercup fiasco. In canon they laugh when Asriel brings it up, but here you’ve just said they’re solemn. At that point you’re not writing Chara, you’re writing an OC with Chara’s name on it.

Chapter 12?

I finally has some leverage

“have”

“But Chara! It’s not fair to you!”

“Not fair?

Why is there an extra gap between these paragraphs?

but think of it this way, once you have my soul, I will always be with you.

That first comma should be a colon.

Oh, so you are doing one of the video recorder scenes, just… a different version from canon. Not sure what you’re trying to do here.

Chapter 13?

I had completed my objectives; one of which Asriel hadn’t even known about.

This is improper semicolon usage. Generally, it should be possible to replace a semicolon with a period and still have the resulting sentences make sense. “One of which Asriel hadn’t even known about” is a fragment, so it doesn’t work.

Chapter 14?

If Chara’s plan was to make it look like they got sick from the cold rather than the flowers, it certainly worked. Mom and Dad spent the rest of that day using healing magic that treated cold exposure rather than poison, and it didn’t help Chara an ounce.

Ah, that’s clever.

“Chara you have to stay determined!”

This needs a comma after “Chara”.

“Chara doesn’t reply.

I’m not sure what that quote is doing there.

You switch between past and present tense in this chapter seemingly at random, which is highly disorienting.

Chapter 15?

I’m not sure how well you achieve the intended effect here. Chara’s narration sounds too coherent — they talk an awful lot about losing their mind, but they say it in a pretty grounded way. I think this is a show don’t tell issue. Conveying this through stuttering also seems like an odd choice. When I’m sick and have trouble thinking, my thoughts don’t stutter, they fragment or cut out entirely.

Chapter 16?

Wow. This must have been a pain to format but it is nicely trippy. Flowey doesn’t seem nearly this incoherent when he absorbs the six souls, though, which implies it’s not quite this disorienting.

I hope you turn to dust so my soul will be free from yours! But remember this, brother, I WILL return one day and when I do I WILL find and ERASE your soul from all of existence and memory! You, and ALL Monsters and your weak souls! And it will be all YOUR fault! You’ve. Ruined. Everything!

This comes out of nowhere. We’ve been privy to Chara’s innermost thoughts throughout this story, and we know their altruism was genuine, not an excuse for murder. They should at least acknowledge Asriel’s reasonable objection instead of immediately jumping to “murder everything”. This seems like a really hackneyed attempt to steer an OOC Chara back onto the track of canon.

Ugh, that was a mess. At least in AOOO you can view the entire work; maybe I should do that next time.

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