[35] Undertale Reviews, Part 8

::::)


Cyclum Infinitum

It was a beautiful day, birds are singing, flowers are blooming

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well. You switch between tenses many other times throughout the chapter, which is highly disorienting and distracting.

You laugh under your breath and pat the kid on their head, “Ah, no problem, sweetheart. Why you wanted to camp on Mt. Ebott of all places though is beyond me.”

The narration here doesn’t contain a speech tag, so it should end in a period.

‘Damn it!’ you thought bitterly

Using quotes with thoughts is disorienting, as it makes your characters look like they’re talking to themselves.

humans drove monsters underneath the Earth to banishment.

This is awkwardly worded. “banished monsters underneath the Earth”, maybe.

“Six.” She replied solemnly.

Seven. Chara fell down here too.

You’re writing dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

She was goat-mom

Forgot the period here.

What do you mean?” You questioned with caution, you almost feared her answer.

“Questioned” is what police do; think “interrogated”. It’s not a synonym for “asked”. This is also a comma splice, as “You questioned with caution” and “you almost feared her answer” are both independent clauses. You need to use a different transition or split the sentence in two.

there’s plenty leftover

In this context, you want “left over”, two words. “Leftover” is a noun.

as you continued to play with Frisk hair

“Frisk’s”

Somehow, you felt that it was the later and not the former.

“latter”

Integrity

This is cute, and the connection to the dog couple is clever.

Mercy Kill

You hold the sharp knife

This is in present tense, but the rest of the story is in past. Be consistent.

beaten body was trembling

You have an extra space here.

standing about 5 meters away

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

difficult..

You either have an extra period here, or you’re one period short of an ellipses.

between you and the freedom

That “the” shouldn’t be there.

You’re making a lot of sentence mistakes in general. I’d recommend you get a beta reader.

you filthy brother killer. ” Sans growled

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

(Also, there shouldn’t be a space before the quote. That looks like an autocorrect mistake; be careful if you’re writing this in a fancy text processor like Word.)

Your prose feels stilted and a little bare-bones. Most of your sentences are simple (one clause) and have similar structure and meter, which makes the writing feel dry and repetitive. I’d recommend you try to vary your sentence structure; a lot of published books provide good examples of how to do this, and reading aloud can also help.

Yet, you had this strange feeling that in some other time, you two could have been great friends. In fact…you had a strange memory of a memory, of Sans letting you pass through the corridor with a warm and genuine smile on his face, wishing you luck.

So Frisk doesn’t remember past timelines in this? I’m not sure why you’re making such a major change to canon. If Frisk is as much a victim of timeline screwery as everyone else, they’re no longer a player metaphor, which means they’re a completely different character with completely different context for their actions.

Sans had his hands in his pockets now and just stood there, watching his young foe with a sadistic grin on his face.

Sadistic? In canon Sans is extremely torn and regretful about having to break his promise and doesn’t seem to enjoy fighting you at all. If he was this trigger-happy, he would’ve turned Chara into fine paste the moment they killed Papyrus.

‘Why did I do that to Papyrus?’ You think

Using quotes for thoughts is disorienting, as it makes it look like your characters are talking to themselves.

Only after reaching the capitol, your mind had started to get clearer and now you were facing the brother of someone who you had killed.

This is overwrought and I’m having trouble understanding it. I’d recommend you reword this, maybe break it into two sentences. Also, you want “capital” – “capitol” refers to a single building.

Sans stopped, staring at you with that glowing eye of his and for a moment he hesitated, not sure what to think. Was Frisk being serious?

Wait, are you shifting to Sans’ POV here? Shifting POV without any indication is very bad form in writing, and extremely confusing for the reader.

to smash the kid

Seems like you forgot a “you” conversion here.

to say something to her

And here.

only to pull you back so that your small body the ground painfully

I think you dropped some words here.

This is a novel idea – I’ve only seen something like it once before – but I’m not sure how well you sell it. So Frisk doesn’t actually want to be a murderer and only killed because Chara manipulated them, but they only realize they were being manipulated at the very end? Their regret here feels too sudden and extreme if that’s the case, and I’m not entirely clear on how this all works.

This one got cut off by AOOO’s rather strict character limit, so I had to condense some things.

In Which Bad Times Are Had by a Houseplant

This is excellent, especially the ending.

Bouquet

“Plus we’ll be the first monsters to have a surface wedding, we can set a tradition.” There’s a shine in Undyne’s visible eye. “A marriage of both humans and monsters! Except we’re both monsters. But kind of like that!”

Your Undyne is wonderful.

This is very cute, and a nice examination of a small detail – of course Undyne would love the bouquet toss!

Monster

They looked so… Bored.

When an ellipses doesn’t complete a sentence, the following part isn’t capitalized.

onto it’s feet

You want “its”. “It’s” means “it is”.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

Otherwise, this is good. This meta post may also be of interest to you.

cherish symbols

Why bother asking why? Isn’t love inevitable, fated, predestined? You see someone across the room and your heart falls into place? That’s how it works on every anime she’s seen: love at first sight, at first bumping into in the school hallway and dropping all your books, at first rescue from the terrible creature that was surely about to eat you until that special person saved you.

Alphys isn’t a schoolgirl, and nothing is about to eat her.

(Sometimes she wishes something would, just to take the choice out of her hands.)

I like this. It’s very Alphys.

It’s meant to be, maybe.

Haha! The shift from dramatic certainty to waffling uncertainty is amusingly discordant, and also very Alphys.

This is funny and heartwrenching and beautiful. I normally don’t care for romantic stuff, but Alphys is my favorite character and you’ve captured her turmoil perfectly.

Pretend This Title Is A Guitar Solo

This is cute.

Would You Smooch A Ghost?

Darlings and Gentledarlings

These shouldn’t be capitalized.

Speaking of,” Mettaton twirls dramatically to face the cameras, “Let’s

You’re generally writing dialogue correctly but you’re tripping up on an obscure rule: when dialogue is interrupted with a non-speaking verb, you have to use different notation. There are three options: an ellipses, a dash inside the quotes, and a dash outside the quotes. Which one you use is up to you, as they each convey slightly different tones. In this case, I would recommend [Speaking of…” Mettaton twirls dramatically to face the cameras. “Let’s]

“Whatever,” he scoffs, “You’re not even that cute.”

And when you divide two sentences with a speaking verb, the first part is its own sentence, and thus ends in a period.

That’s right; we’re talking about some steamy lip on lip, snout, beak, etcetera action!

Hm… I think this sentence would be better served by a colon. Semicolons are generally used to bind two full sentences together.

Nice try human

This is a direct address, so it needs a comma after “try”.

Bachelor one

Forgot to capitalize this.

There are a lot of horrible things you’re willing to put up with in your life; taxes, bad puns, people who talk in the movie theater; but crappy ice-breaker questions are where you draw the line.

Semicolons don’t work here, but dashes would serve the role perfectly.

Did I mention that the lightning round includes real lightning?

This is excellent.

There’s a violent explosion of smoke and glitter. You, unfortunately, happen to be misfortunate enough to have your mouth open at the time so a liberal amount of glitter lodges itself in your throat.

As is this.

Aside from the grammar errors, this is funny and well-written, though the monsters seem a lot more sadistic than we see in canon, especially Sans. I could see Mettaton becoming this sociopathic, but not the other monsters. It also ends very abruptly.

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

He turned as he suddenly hear a voice call out to him withing the palace.

“heard”, “within”

Lying before the front door, were the bodies two of his father’s royal knights.

That comma shouldn’t be there.

They held hands as their corpses were surrounded by a pool of blood in the shape of a heart.

This seems odd; monsters don’t bleed. This shouldn’t be as viscerally upsetting to Asriel as it is to us. It would make more sense for his subconscious to create half-disintegrated figures of dust or something, or for him to be weirded out that the bodies weren’t dissolving.

(Unless Chara is creating this; as a human, it does make sense for them to use blood here. But Asriel should still find it odd.)

Where was mom, or dad?

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

Asriel panicked as he heard his mother call out to him, and he ran into the throne room, and it was what he saw that he finally screamed.

Repetition of “and” is extremely awkward. This would parse better if you split the sentence at “call out to him.”

as her body lied over her fallen king

“Lay”. “Lied” is exclusively used for the past tense of “to lie”.

but the words were too scared to escape his mouth

This is awkwardly worded; it sounds like the words are scared and not Asriel, which doesn’t make sense.

Asriel’s eyes welled up with tears, the idea that Asriel hated them was too much.

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition. Also, is the second Asriel supposed to be “Chara”?

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

You’re making a lot of mistakes in general. I’d recommend you get a beta reader.

Even though Asriel’s soul was restored, fragments of Chara still remained from when they and Asriel combined.

Huh? That doesn’t make a lot of sense. Everything we see of souls in canon implies they’re an all-or-nothing deal.

The description of the nightmare is nicely horrific, but a little generic. Truly effective horror needs more than just buckets of blood, and there’s nothing terribly specific to Asriel in the nightmare. The only really significant part is Flowey, but Asriel doesn’t react to that, even though it should evoke some memories – he is guilty of much of the horror in the dream, after all. You could swap out all the names for original characters and the story would still make sense; there’s nothing solid that ties this to Undertale or gives us new insight into the characters.

A Skeleton’s Gotta Do What A Skeleton’s Gotta Do

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is frustrating and manipulative.

Sans doesn’t remember past timelines in canon. If he has perfect recall, this is an AU and should be labeled as such.

Sure, Undyne and Mettaton and countless other monsters suffered the same fate, but they were inconsequential in Sans’s mind. Papyrus took priority.

This is incongruous with canon. Sans will let Frisk go if they kill Papyrus; it’s only if they kill absolutely everyone that Sans feels he has to put a stop to it. He clearly cares about everyone, not just Papyrus.

If Sans is so confused by Frisk’s behavior, why hasn’t he just asked Frisk about it in one of the pacifist timelines?

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

Have fun in hell, kiddo.

When referring to the singular place, “Hell” is capitalized.

Where ever you went

You want “wherever”, one word.

Undertale: south park

This is the sort of thing you should put in your author’s note. Chapters are for actual story content.

Your grammar is awful. I can barely understand this. Try harder and get a beta reader.

No Flower Should Have Bloomed There

I’m scared of the POV I used, might go back completely and edit everything to third-person if it becomes too distracting.

I would recommend third-person. Second-person is overused in this fandom and doesn’t work well when used for a specific character that the reader can’t project onto. This guide contains a lot of useful information on the subject if you’re interesting in further reading.

You foot caught

“Your”

cheekbones poking out ashen skin

Dropped a word here.

Your dialogue format is inconsistent. In case you’re confused, here are the full rules: Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

Mother and father had been stunned

When a title (such as “father”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

And after they had been well-fed on snails and pie with plenty of bed rest, Asriel could appreciate how fun Chara really was.

You forgot a “you” conversion here.

“He was making too much noise.” Chara stated

“Stated” is an awkward speech verb you generally want to avoid; it’s more synonymous with “declared” than “said”. “Stated flatly” or just “said” would flow better here.

The next morning, when you went to the coat rack to grab your mittens and scarf for mom to wash, you noticed Chara’s green boots were covered in snow.

Hm? I don’t understand the significance of this. Of course their boots should be covered in snow if they were walking in snow, that’s not unusual. Is this supposed to mean they went outside during the night, or that they stomped the snowman to death?

This is decent, if a little disjointed.

A Place to Stay

“Sans! The phone is for you! Please actually pick it up this time instead of pretending that you have, it sounds very important!”

This is cute.

Now the effort was being made for him, and if he wasn’t absolutely Sans couldn’t say no to Tori, though, and so not even a week later he found himself with the two of them on his doorstep.

You seem to have lost track of this sentence.

It shouldn’t be a surprise that awareness of the timestreams meant awareness of all of the timestreams for Frisk, too, but it wasn’t something Sans had ever thought to ask about.

Huh? Sans doesn’t have awareness of all timelines. This seems like a pretty big logical leap.

This is sweet, although I’m not sure what reset mechanics you’re using. Is it outside of Frisk’s control?

Chapter 2

Frisk and Papyrus are both very cute here.

Chapter 3

Undyne remembered instances when the sight of the ceiling, no matter how sparkling it was, filled her with a restless frustration. The knowledge that she was trapped along with everyone she’d ever known wasn’t something she could get out with punches.

This is a nice detail.

if Frisk was gonna brave a storm like that for their lesson, they were going to have the damn lesson.

Despite the extended lesson

The three repetitions of “lesson” are a bit clunky here. This might work better if you reworded the second sentence.

It wasn’t familiar to Undyne at all, so it was almost definitely something from the surface.

Hm, so it’s not the music box tune?

This is nice. The dual lesson with Papyrus and Frisk seems very true to Undyne, right down to the inevitable disaster.

Chater 4

Napstablook drifted quietly into the room. He had a ghost sandwich with him.

You refer to Napstablook with “they” pronouns later, so this is inconsistent.

Anybody else might find the process irritating, but it was comfortably familiar to him. The exchange meant things were closer to normal between them, how it used to be. His cousin would help if he asked, but they were as excited about the gig as Blooky ever got about anything, and Mettaton was not going to get in the way of that. He’d spent several hours already convincing them that they were talented enough to accept the job offer.

This is sweet.

Ten minutes later and one drive that was perhaps a bit above the speed limit

When using “later” like this, it has to be at the end of the list, so it should be moved to the end of this clause.

Infinite patience lasted for about an hour, which was pretty impressive for a child of Frisk’s age.

This is funny, and a clever transition.

There was a frozen moment while the reality of the situation sunk in was.

I don’t think that last “was” is supposed to be there.

You sound a little… out of breath…

How can a robot be out of breath?

“But I was bad,” they insisted, “So you were going to leave me here, because I did something wrong…”

Ah, interesting. I hadn’t thought of that, but it makes sense for an abandoned child to take this badly.

This is excellent. I’m normally not a big Mettaton fan, but you used him well. It helps that he’s trying to be good.

Chapter 5

It hit a light fixture but instead of slowing down the impact only changed the trajectory.

This is a breathless sentence; you need to break it up with some commas.

this is kind of out abrupt

I’m not sure what that “out” is doing there.

This is great. You write Alphys well.

Although, I’m not sure if Frisk’s antipathy towards Brody is in-character. To reach the pacifist ending Frisk must be extremely reserved with their aggression. You could explain it by saying they react to humans differently, but it still feels like I’m missing a connection.

Chapter 6

One eye was glowing in an implicit threat, and though Sans was smiling as always, as soon as Frisk was inside and outside of earshot, he imparted a warning. “You hurt my kid, and we’ll have an issue, you understand?” Before Asgore could argue, Sans held up a hand. “Nothing but the best intentions, I know. And I don’t really expect anything to happen, or Frisk wouldn’t be in your house right now.” He leaned closer. “But we both remember how many times they died at the hands of the king, don’t we?”

That… seems a bit harsh. Undyne and Mettaton both tried to kill Frisk too (and in my playthrough at least, actually killed them more than Asgore), but everyone’s okay with them being around Frisk. Asgore didn’t kill kids for the lulz, he had a specific reason that is now moot. It makes sense for Toriel to be hesitant, but not anyone else. I also don’t see how Sans could know Asgore remembers past timelines unless they’ve talked before; that’s not really an obvious trait to assume.

“But I would like to be,” he continued, and, smiling, lifted Frisk’s face gently by their chin, “And

It seems like the first part is a full sentence, so the narration here should end with a period.

Otherwise, this is nice, though sometimes it feels a bit rushed, like you tried to fit too much information into too small of a space.

It occurs to me that overprotective Sans doesn’t have much basis in canon. The reason he’s protective is out of duty to someone else, and he spends most of the game regarding Frisk with a mixture of hatred and fear. I don’t see him becoming buddy-buddy easily.

Chapter 7

Hm. This is a little cliche, though there are only so many ways for the abandonment theory to work. You write it convincingly, and I’m glad you didn’t make the parents pure evil; that just makes everything impossible to take seriously. I presume the second boyfriend demanded she abandoned Frisk?

no way back

when she passes by Sans and comes to a screeching halt

This sounds awkward – this would probably flow better if you removed the “by”.

Hm. I’m not sure how plausible this is. In canon, Papyrus does seem to be upset by death and murder – his cheerfulness seems largely due to the fact that he doesn’t realize what the consequences of capturing Frisk will be. I feel like it’d be helpful to see Papyrus’ thought process during the fight, and what drove him to the change in behavior. If it’s just that he’s too powerful to hold back in this AU, he should be distraught at accidentally killing someone, like Toriel is. The fact that he attacks Frisk immediately instead of bothering with the puzzles implies a change in personality, not just strength.

That said, I am glad you focused on Undyne’s perspective. The fandom is a bit oversaturated with the skeleton brothers, in my opinion.

Sleepy Time Junction

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is frustrating and manipulative.

Accepting this as a response as you’ve never actually gotten a word from them

Frisk is a chatterbox in canon. Most ACT commands involve talking.

Why you were following someone half your age, you’ll never know but something was telling you this kid knew what was up.

There needs to be a comma after “know”.

Like they’ve experienced this all before and was simply going through the motions.

In order to maintain consistent past tense, this should be “they’d” instead of “they’ve” and “were” instead of “was”.

You jumped out of your skin and took your hand back quickly, “Ew, no.”

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

the trail you had last seen the more exuberant skeleton last.

You seem to have included an extra “last” by mistake.

Your companion reached for your hand and firmly held it and seemed to be pulling you in the direction they were going as if leading a lamb to water.

Using multiple “and”s in the same sentence is bad form. You should split this sentence in two or use a different connection — [Your companion reached for your hand and firmly held it, seemingly pulling you in the direction they were going as if leading a lamb to water.] would work, for instance, though that’s still a bit unwieldy.

What kind of self proclaimed guardian were you.

Why doesn’t this end in a question mark?

Turns out, the kid could dodge really well or…Papyrus’ aim was atrocious.

This is missing some information – you need an “either” at the front, or something like [That, or…Papyrus’ aim was atrocious.]

Papyrus nods his head and places his hands on his hip bones heroically

This is in present tense.

You felt your blood run cold as several blue bones launched themselves in quick succession towards them

The referrent of “them” is unclear here; it took me a while to parse. You should probably replace it with “the kid”.

Why does You not know about blue attacks already? Did they miss the fight with Doggo?

The younger ones loose their baby teeth after awhile

“Lose”. That should also be “a while”; “awhile” only make sense if it can be replaced with “for a while”.

Before he could come up with a rebuttal, however, he felt a tug on his bones.

This phrasing is odd; tactile sensation can only be noticed by the individual feeling it, so this kind of description is usually reserved for the POV character in prose. It would make more sense if this was changed to describing Frisk tugging on him, since that’s something You can notice.

The little one placed their hands palms together

You seem to have an extra word here.

Papyrus being weirded out by teeth loss is cute, but this ends pretty abruptly.

Go Back to Sleep

Drabble I suppose i mean its short

A drabble is a story consisting of exactly 100 words. It’s a writing exercise, not a word for any short story.

it’s snowing somewhere else

All lowercase Sans does not work nearly as well in prose as it does in game. It’s particularly odd here, when they’re supposed to be human.

“Here,” they said, “behind these lamps. Go on. And be quiet,” they whispered.

Using two speech tags for the same line of dialogue looks really weird and is hard to understand. You should stick to one.

Otherwise, this is decent. I don’t think I’ve seen this particular roleswap before, either.

I’ve finally decided I can’t stand all lowercase Sans anymore. It just looks so wrong.

Tales of a Dreemurr Reborn

Ambassador to all Human-Monster […] Determination […] Royal Family […] King and Queen […] Save Points

These aren’t proper nouns and thus should not be capitalized.

Nor could they simply just hide forever, there was an entire city of beings underground that wished to leave

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

trapped underground for millennia

Monsters were sealed in the Middle Ages.

“this is where your story ends, little flower”

This needs punctuation. Also, all lowercase Sans does not work nearly as well in prose as it does in game.

her research cause Asriel

“caused”

taken the human souls

“took”

You informed Asriel he’s

Starting here your tenses get inconsistent, which is very distracting and disorienting. You need to pick past or present and stick with it.

“EXERCISING!” Undyne interjected, a blush forming on her scales, “It’s

When separating two sentences of dialogue with narration, the narration ends in a period, since it’s a contained sentence. “Interjected” is also really strained. Don’t feel you have to use novel speech verbs all the time; that actually drags down the writing by distracting the reader and diluting the impact of nonstandard verbs when they’re actually necessary.

“What? Where’s that famous “Determination” I keep hearing about?

When you quote inside a quote, you use single quotes instead of double quotes; otherwise, the reader will be confused about where the dialogue ends. (If you quote inside a quote inside a quote, you go back to double quotes.)

Frisk and Papyrus stood on top of the mountain

You switch to third-person here.

“…”

This is a visual art convention and doesn’t work in prose.

His smile sank a bit.

“that expression…”

Shouldn’t Sans have remembered the reload directly? He seems to be able to in canon; there’s no way he can possibly deduce the exact number of times Chara’s died through expression alone.

Asriel lied down

“Lay”. “Lied” is exclusively used for the past tense of “to tell a lie”.

Frisk was definitely more adventurous than you ever were

And here you switch to making Asriel the second-person protagonist for some reason.

But have we truly “bonded?”

This whole paragraph sounds incredibly robotic and long-winded, and not at all how a kid would talk. It really doesn’t seem necessary for them to go into such detail in the first place.

Ah. I was wondering why they suddenly decided to tell Asgore. I’m still not sure why they waited this long, though.

“I…am…*sniff*

Action notation doesn’t work outside of script format.

Ellipses are always three dots, never two or six.

When splitting dialogue over multiple paragraphs, endquotes are not used until the end of the whole thing.

We can see this though a natural tenacity

Typo.

Would that be worth the pain of burning alive and resetting to rescue everyone all over again?

So wait, when is their most recent save? Couldn’t they rewind to before this happened and stop the arsonists?

“You really don’t need to give commands right now, Frisk,” Asriel thought

You shouldn’t use quotes for thoughts. It makes your characters look like they’re talking to themselves, which is confusing.

The individual scenes here are decent, but they lack a coherent narrative, and the jumps are often disorienting. This might have been better as a series of oneshots. Character dialogue is often dry and wooden, and everyone has a bad tendency to overexplain things. We don’t need to hear the explanation for Asriel’s situation every single time someone asks about it, for instance.

Valiance

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is frustrating and manipulative.

her blood and his own

Monsters don’t bleed.

This is very well-written. It’s interesting that you have Frisk take the murder option; not many people do.

Dust In The Snow

Less emotionally open and kind to strangers, which is all that was down here to them.

I’m having trouble parsing this. Is it saying that everyone is a stranger to them here?

The enthuse with which he spoke

“Enthusiasm”. “Enthuse” is a verb.

He groans, heaving himself up off the couch. […] He trudges over to the nearby woods

These bits are in present tense, but the rest of the story is in past.

He was pretty sure his bother wasn’t home

Typo.

he called out for him anyway. But, of course, nobody came.

This isn’t nearly as clever as it seems. Everyone and their dog has already abused the arc phrase in their own fics to the point it’s now a dead horse. Resist the temptation to shoehorn it in; it just sounds like you’re trying too hard.

his brother would not have taken to a half conscious audience

“talked”

but he clung to that thought like a goat to the side of a mountain

While it’s good to spice up your prose with similes, this one seems pretty random. How would he even know what mountains are, much less mountain goat behavior? I mean, he lives under one. Mountain goats don’t really “cling”, either, they’re just good at climbing and keeping steady.

the absence of Papyrus in the area very troublesome at this point.

“Troublesome” doesn’t seem like the right word to use here. “Troubling”?

He’s gonna kill that kid. He makes a silent vow to himself to bring justice to Papyrus’s killer, for himself and most importantly for Papyrus.

That’s not what happens in canon, though. If you only kill Papyrus, Sans limits himself to a single guilt trip. It’s only total omnicide that motivates him to actually fight.

I’m also pretty confused why Sans is so oblivious here. In the omnicide route he threatens Chara before the Papyrus fight, implying he knows how dangerous they are and what Papyrus is risking.

[Deleted]

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is frustrating and manipulative.

All lowercase Sans does not work nearly as well in prose as it does in game.

I’m not entirely sure what’s going on here, and this ends very abruptly. So everyone can remember bits of past timelines, so with every reset things get tainted a bit more? It would be nice to see more of Frisk’s thoughts and reaction here.

Remembering You

There are open gashes, but no blood. Only dust that leaves streaks on Frisk’s fingers.

In the game, Flowey does seem to “bleed” – there are black streaks all over him after he’s injured. It’s probably just sap or something, but it looks too liquid to be dust.

The see it from Flowey’s point of view and is overwhelmed

Typo, and that “is” should be “are”.

In the dream, Flowey runs away. Frisk wonders if their mind is trying to protect them. They know what really happened.

I like this. While there are a lot of post-omnicide pacifist fics, I don’t think I’ve seen any that explore a Frisk who killed Flowey on their first run.

You wanted a family and got nothing.

What does the “you” refer to in this sentence?

cowboyhat

Forgot a space.

“This is for Asriel,” he tells himself over and over, in order to try and make the pain stop.

If only he knew how right he was.

Oh, that’s clever.

Some say that the hole you were supposed to kick the ball into led to a bottomless pit which, contradicting that, had a child-eating ghost at the bottom.

This is funny, and very true to urban legends.

It was as if it […] emotions on […] she runs […] Royal Guard, I will […] ‘invisible sword’, no ‘bedtime story’

Extra spaces here.

Oh. but how she cried for Chara

Seems like you have some punctuation weirdness going on here.

And then his brother would come kill her.

Why does she think this? Does she know about Sans’ promise?

When he was young, ther children had played at being royalty

Typo.

He’s grown like he photosynthesized on the hatred around him that radiates like sunlight.

All your similes are great, but this one is particularly good.

Toriel had considered hiring someone for Frisk to speak with, but had told Asgore that he wasn’t sure

“she wasn’t sure”?

“She told me I had grown the flowers all wrong, and they were far tinier than they would have been if I’d grown them properly! I felt defeated. As I was about to leave, she called out to me.

“‘Where do you think you’re going? If you don’t learn the proper way now, you never will!’ she said.

This is great! I can totally see it happening.

It would be so, so easy to do it again–Dad, help! I don’t know what happened! Something transformed me!–and then go get the souls, and…

And… he doesn’t.

It would be… too easy, he decides. It wouldn’t feel like a victory. There isn’t any point in showing everyone the real meaning of the world if he doesn’t use it to win.

He can’t bring the behemoth down with tiny shoes.

I love this detail, and it’s so sad. I never considered that Flowey should logically have been able to do this, but of course there’d have to be some reason he doesn’t want to backstab Asgore like that.

his—Asriel’s—room

Very minor, but it’s weird to see a proper dash and a double-hyphen next to each other. What happened here?

It’s as if you want me to feel something for you rather than apathy.

This sounds odd – “other than” is the usual phrasing.

Flowey reacts to Frisk’s touch as if he’d been hit. It doesn’t seem like a far-off possibility that he would expect it from someone who looks so much like Chara.

Oof, that’s painful.

But wait, I thought Frisk killed Flowey? Are there splintered timelines going on here?

the souls won’t destroy Flowey from the outside like he begs, but will do it on the inside. They’ll force him to feel again. Their fear. Their pain. They’ve merged with Flowey and their memories came, including the hopelessness they felt when they died.

Oh, that’s interesting. I hadn’t thought of it that way.

they had stopped since they asked him why he didn’t also.

The pronouns are confused here – who is “him” and “he”? Frisk? You refer to them with neutral pronouns elsewhere.

This story is incredible. Your dreamlike yet matter-of-fact description is excellent, and I love your similes and asides. It’s wonderfully melancholy, too – you’ve done a good job of showing your work and examining the emotional scars that would prevent everything from working out perfectly. I particularly like the scenes from Flowey’s perspective, but all the characters are beautiful and heartwrenching.

I’m a bit confused by the timeline, though. The general consensus is that monsters were sealed in the Middle Ages and the humans fell down over the course of centuries, but this seems to have everything happening in the span of a decade or so. That seems a bit too fast for monsters to have faded into myth.

This ran up against the character limit and I had to cut some stuff. Why you do this, AOOO?

To Heir is Human

dark…. […] determined…. […] anymore…. […] choice….

Your ellipses are too long here.

I have forgiven you for Frisk..

And here it’s too short.

“I reconciled with you for Frisk’s sake, and I will admit that I believed you would be father in title only, but I can see how much you have come to care for this little one. I can see, too, how much Frisk cares for you. I have no question that Frisk has forgiven you for what you tried to do. How, then, could I do any less?”

This feels a bit stilted and wooden – like an exposition dump rather than how someone would naturally talk. The first sentence might be too long.

patient little

Extra space.

Ah, so this is set-up for Penance? I love Toriel’s rant, it expresses all the problems I have with the “oh btw they reconciled while you weren’t looking because everything must be perfect!!!” plot.

Asgore looks horrible in this, though. His remorse doesn’t sound sincere at all, given how quickly he jumps to “so hey can we get back together???” at the slightest opportunity even though he should know exactly what kept them apart in the first place. He sounds like an impulsive teenager instantly who feels entitled to get what he wants without understanding the work he has to put in first. That in turn sours any attempt at atonement he might later make, because it looks like he’s only doing it so Toriel will love him again, not because he actually cares. It also reflects rather poorly on him that he apparently didn’t feel guilty about killing six kids until someone pointed out it was wrong.

Single Save

which was something that didn’t really bother you if it weren’t for incidents like this

This sounds odd – “wouldn’t really bother you” is the usual phrasing.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

This is too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader — in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. While the writing is decent, you haven’t shown how your story is meaningfully different than the dozens of other stories with the same premise.

Chapter 2

a soft rustling from beneath you brought your attention to what seemed to be golden flowers

This sentence is overextended – there’s too many conjunctions and modifiers, and the “seemed to be” doesn’t make sense, because what else could they be? This would flow better if it was condensed, such as to [a soft rustling brought your attention to the golden flowers beneath you] or something similar.

They appear to have broken your fall.

The rest of the story is in past tense, but this is in present.

Thankfully, you hadn’t landed too weird, so no bones were broken

I thought they shredded their fingers last chapter?

But nobody came.

Resist the urge to shoehorn this in. Everyone and their dog has already done so, making it look extremely trite and cliche.

Your mind spun with escape plans; if I sprint, I might be able to make it out.

A semicolon doesn’t work here. A period would work best.

The propaganda you had been told your entire life

So wait, is this omniscient or limited POV? It doesn’t make sense that You would think of it as propaganda if they believed it to be the truth.

See, this paints a better picture of what the story will look like going forward. This should have been the end of your first chapter.

I’m not sure second-person POV works for this, though. The protagonist has too much personality to be an easy reader insert. This guide may be of use to you.

The Monsters Came

The monsters came

This is missing punctuation.

Nobody knew what had just happened and how the work would drastically change.

What is “the work”?

It was shortly after this that a hiker reported

This is passive voice. You don’t need all the words here; [Shortly after this, a hiker reported] would convey the same information without the clutter.

marching down down the mountain

Typo.

locked away in the Earth beneath everyone’s feet

If you’re referring to the ground in general rather than the entire planet, “earth” shouldn’t be capitalized here.

Frisk introduces the self and the goat

Proofread.

Frisk explains

This is in present tense, but the rest of the story is in past.

This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader — in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. There are dozens of fics with similar premises, and I have no idea what makes this one different. If you have a plot, start there, or at least get there within the first chapter.

The prose here is very dry, simple, and sterile, which doesn’t make for very interesting reading. For the most part, it also reads like a summary rather than a story. This is the kind of thing that should go above your first chapter, not stand on its own.

three times

Still, fur would make them even nicer to hug and you like the idea of being able to retaliate whenever they tried to pull on your ears.

This is cute.

your notes aren’t very impressive yet, consisting mostly of the words monster -> human? and no horns ]:c.

As is this.

“I’m sorry, but no such potion exists,” your mother tells you

Toriel never uses contractions.

You freeze yet again, suddenly terrified of the unimaginable consequences that will surely await you when your parents find out what just happened; unimaginable because you’re not exactly sure what sort of consequences await you, only that they’re bound to be something horrible, because oh man, what did Chara just do, was it his fault, did he pressure them somehow?!

You need a full colon here, not a semicolon.

The smile they give you when the receive it

Typo.

This is wonderfully sweet and creepy at the same time. I’m surprised you’ve labeled it Soft Chara; Chara seems pretty true to canon.

SHOTS FIRED

Frisk Falls Down

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is frustrating and manipulative.

theirself

This is not a word. You need “themselves”.

I’ll see what I can find.” Mettaton said.

Typo.

This is too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader — in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. People shouldn’t still be wondering what your story is going to be about at the end of the first chapter.

Chapter 2

Frisk reached hands around but contacted nothing

You seem to have dropped some words here. “Contacted” is also an odd and stilted word to use here.

“I’m so glad you’re awake!” the monster child threw himself at the human

When narration doesn’t contain a speech verb, it’s a separate sentence and is capitalized as such.

Whap happened?

Typo.

Rather than meeting a word quota, I’m posting chapters by episode, regardless of length.

What do you mean by “episode”? Scene? Chapters are normally longer than single scenes. For instance, the previous two chapters, and most likely your third, could have easily been condensed into a single chapter.

Retired Memories

headcanon that flowey still has asriel’s memories as a flower

Isn’t that canon?

He loved spending his afternoons here; back to the grandeurous caverns of the ruins and face turned towards the only source of natural sunlight in the entirety of the Underground.

This needs a comma, not a semicolon. Semicolons can only link independent clauses together; in other words, it should still make sense if you replace the semicolon with a period.

You’re using a lot of semicolons in general. I’d recommend you tone it down a bit, as they’re very distracting in prose.

500 ft.

You need to write out units of measurement in prose.

(heck, what a human looked like for that matter, as he’d never seen one before)

Huh? If this is after he meets Chara, he has seen a human before.

Don’t call eyes orbs, it sounds ridiculous.

A new speaker means a new paragraph.

That sort of stuff,” Chara glanced up quickly

When narration doesn’t contain a speech verb, it’s treated as its own sentence, so you need to end the dialogue with a period.

“B-but, I like it down here better,” she continued hurriedly, not liking the pang of guilt Asriel’s reaction sent through her, “I mean

And when you break up two separate sentences with narration, the narration ends with a period, because it completes a sentence.

“Down here, though,” Chara’s hard expression melted into an almost adoring one, “Everyone’s

And when you break up dialogue mid-sentence with a non-speaking verb, you need to use ellipses or dashes, not commas. So this could be [“Down here, though…” Chara’s hard expression melted into an almost adoring one. “…everyone’s]

her unsure grip tightened slightly around the other’s form

This is a bit stilted and overwrought. You use “form” a lot throughout the narration, to the point that it kind of loses meaning.

The flower to quickly bolted

I’m not sure what this is trying to say.

A human.

Chara.

But not Chara. Alike in almost every physical aspect, yet not the same human who’d fallen down here so long ago.

Huh? His actions in the true final battle seem to make it pretty clear he does think Frisk is literally Chara.

drabble

A drabble is a story consisting of exactly 100 words. It’s a writing exercise, not a word for any short story.

But aside from the errors I pointed out, this is nice.

6 Comments

  1. illhousen says:
    “Shouldn’t Sans have remembered the reload directly?”

    Hm, should he, though? The dialogue when you get the room for his key strongly implies he doesn’t remember, just has an awareness of reloads. (Though, granted, it could be a prank.) He certainly doesn’t behave any differently outside of the Hall of Judgment no matter how many times you reload.

    And yes, there is his fight, but that was a singular event during which he was burning himself with magic (and did he use determination? I kinda forgot if it’s canon or fanon), I don’t think it’s representative of his normal level of ability.

    1. Mini-Farla says:
      It’s a bit unclear but I think he remembers reLOADs — loading your save file — but not resets. It would make more sense for him to remember neither, but I can’t think of another explanation for how he knows exactly how many times he’s killed Chara.

      a singular event during which he was burning himself with magic

      ??? I think you’re mixing canon and fanon there. There are a metric ton of fanon explanations for his magic, but nothing in canon. I doubt it’s determination, just because there’s already a clearly established signifier for it (melting) that he doesn’t display.

      1. illhousen says:
        Hm, you’re probably right about me mixing fanon with canon. I didn’t really examine Sans closely to form a strong opinion on him.

        I do think that him only being vaguely aware of past timelines, getting strong deja vu perhaps, would work better than outright remembering it.

        I don’t think he openly demonstrates outright knowledge of them outside of his fight, hence my comment about it being a singular event. He still takes you away to talk stuff even if he did it before, for example, which is not something you’d expect him to do if he knew you already had that discussion.

      2. Roarke says:
        It would make more sense for him to remember neither, but I can’t think of another explanation for how he knows exactly how many times he’s killed Chara.

        He doesn’t remember anything, but he can intuit the answer… somehow. He’s Sherlock Bones. For the last few “how many times have I killed you now” lines, he starts screwing up the numbers, which he wouldn’t do if he could straight-up remember them.

        He probably just reads the player’s growing frustration and dread. Similarly, if you spare him once (which I did because getting dunked on was too funny to pass up) and then refuse again, he can tell that he got you with that trick before, presumably because you look furious, but doesn’t remember.

        1. Mini-Farla says:
          For the last few “how many times have I killed you now” lines, he starts screwing up the numbers, which he wouldn’t do if he could straight-up remember them.

          I always assumed he was just screwing with you at that point. He also says “Let’s just get to the point” right at the start after you exceed his count — why wouldn’t he just keep screwing with Chara forever if he wasn’t also getting tired of it? I feel like if the intent was that he couldn’t remember and was just guessing based on intuition, the messages would be randomized and he’d keep saying them forever.

          Similarly, if you spare him once (which I did because getting dunked on was too funny to pass up) and then refuse again, he can tell that he got you with that trick before, presumably because you look furious, but doesn’t remember.

          He references the exact phrasing he used, though (something like “since you did come back, you’re not really my friend”), and he changes his speech to be much shorter on every subsequent runthrough, which he should be making before Chara can visibly react. It just doesn’t make sense to me that cold reading alone can give him that much information.

          1. Roarke says:
            Well, it would make sense to me if this was the negative flipside of the trust passwords you need to give him – he already has a script that he’s worked out, but he’s only going to put so much effort into keeping it.

            I feel like if the intent was that he couldn’t remember and was just guessing based on intuition, the messages would be randomized and he’d keep saying them forever.

            I tend to think of it this way: imagine you’re Sans. You see this freak, and you can tell by their expression that you’ve killed them at least ten times. Somehow. Wouldn’t you, just from seeing their face, already be too exhausted to make a joke? They keep coming back. Your worst fear is playing itself out in front of you. Of course you’re going to cut to the chase and murder them as soon as possible.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Skip to toolbar