[36] Undertale Reviews, Part 2

To Battle!

This is cute.

Reader is a young Frisk

Shouldn’t you add Frisk to the roster instead, then? It may not seem like much of a distinction, but a lot of fics use “Reader” to mean a completely separate character. This is more of a story with established characters that just happens to use second-person.

Today would’ve marked the anniversary of the barrier’s destruction.

This phrasing is a bit strange; the anniversary still exists even if there’s no ceremony. It would make more sense to say something like “Today you would’ve celebrated the anniversary…”

the monsters you were most close with

This is awkwardly worded. Just “your friends” would work a lot better.

He had been looking very much for this day

I think you dropped a word or two here.

Had Sans been here, he may have been able to help cheer up his brother, however he and Toriel had gone to the nearby store to pick up supplies just in case the snow storm lasted more than a few days.

This sounds a little awkward. I think you might have a comma splice in here somewhere.

Deal With a Devil

Gravity Falls crossover.

Of all the timeline reports he had read, they all said nothing about a glowing triangle

The repetition of “all” here is a bit clunky.

Now Sans was scared, he took a step back and prepared to attack.

This is a comma splice. You need to reword it or split it into two sentences.

In response, he took another step back and shoved his hands into the pocket of his
jacket.

Looks like you have an accidental line break here.

TO GET TO THE POINT

This is missing a start quote.

IT’S BONES!

The possessive pronoun is “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”. You should probably also put a dash in front, to show that Bill is finishing the sentence.

You write Bill well, but this is pretty short for a first chapter. I’d recommend fusing it with your second.

Chapter 2

Bill talks Sans into making a deal with him-Bill can use Sans as a vessel anytime he wants, and Sans gets his brother back, along with the rest of his friends. Chara is no longer a threat to the Underground.

It’s really not a good idea to spoil the entire plot of your chapter in your opening note.

The wing all of a sudden started howling

Do you mean wind?

Sans would love to send that child to hell himself

When referring to the literal location, Hell is capitalized.

Sans and the Cold

Snowdin was alive with activity now that the humans and monsters were getting along finally.

The placement of “finally” in this sentence is rather awkward. It would flow better as “finally getting along”.

over joyed

You want “overjoyed”, one word.

He was happy enough seeing everyone else around him happy, they had even began to cut back on the awful jokes finally.

This is a comma splice. You need a transition word between these two clauses.

“Hey guys! Play nice!” He shouted

You’re writing dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”]

“What do you call a skeleton with a cold?” Sans thought to himself

The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

Jeeze, pap

Forgot to capitalize “Pap” here.

Sans shrugged and closed his one eye as the overly large scarf drooped down onto his face some. “I’m going for a new record of lazy and haven’t moved an inch.”

Papyrus did not know if he could believe his brother or not. Sometimes he moved without… moving. So he couldn’t have moved an inch, but had moved? Grah! Sans grinned a bit more as he watched his brother stop his foot a bit, and then pick up his fallen book.

Why is there a large gap between these paragraphs?

It’s kept me great company while your off

You want “you’re”. “Your” is the possessive. It wouldn’t fit anyway, though, because this should be “you were”, past tense.

Anime

Is not a proper noun and thus should not be capitalized.

Undine grinned wide and gave chase.

You misspelled Undyne’s name here.

but Sans’ didn’t

There shouldn’t be an apostrophe here.

That was…confusing. I’m not sure what happened in the end.

Offspring

“Human” and “monster” are not proper nouns and thus should not be capitalized.

Why are you using asterisks instead of italics for emphasis?

Frisk shrugged, smiling despite their spouse’s sudden ear cleaning, “Everyone, this is, well, Doe,”

The first part doesn’t contain a speech verb, so you don’t need the second comma.

This is a little empty for a first chapter; you basically just establish exposition and that’s it. It’s generally a good idea to include some plot in the first chapter in order to hook your reader.

can’t keep running out

So we ,

I think you dropped a word here.

he didn’t invited them to a meal for their opinion

This is awkward. “Hadn’t invited them”, maybe?

“What,” and their hands moved without them, “Did she do?”

You’re generally writing dialogue correctly, but you’re tripping up on some niche rules. The sentence in-between the dialogue doesn’t contain a speech verb, so it technically can’t be part of the same sentence. So you’d have to break the dialogue with a dash or ellipses or something. If you reworded it to include a speech verb, you could do it with commas, but the second dialogue bit would have to be uncapitalized. In general, breaking up a sentence in the middle looks like [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”].

This is…really confusing. It gets a bit more coherent towards the end, but your sentences tend to be really jumbled and unclear. I get that you’re intentionally trying to evoke that effect, but you might want to tone it down a little. Past a certain point, I stop being able to make sense of anything and my eyes glaze over.

Just a Mystery.

it’s little wooden boat

You want “its”. “It’s” means “it is”.

How utterly calm it was

You shift into past tense here. Changing tenses is very jarring to the reader.

“Tra la la. The angel is coming… Tra la la.” It sings out

You’re writing dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

“Monster” is not a proper noun and thus should not be capitalized.

Ellipses are always three dots, never four.

The boat takes off slow, and it stares into the ripples.

It took me a second to realize that “it” was referring to the river person here, not the boat. You might want to make that more explicit.

maybe because you even love me, to, in a way

You want “too”, not “to”.

Otherwise, this is sweet.

Broken Box

Hoping that they were home and not out in the woods like they had been earlier.

This is a sentence fragment.

“HUMAN, YOU HAVE RETURNED! COME IN MY SMALL FRIEND!” The tall skeleton exclaimed

You’re writing dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

Keep in mind that this applies even when the dialogue comes after narration. I’m noticing that you tend to simply not use punctuation at all when you have a narrative sentence immediately before dialogue.

Papyrus lead him over to the couch

You want “led”, not “lead”.

the Head of the Royal Guard

“Head” shouldn’t be capitalized here. In general, if there’s an article in front of something, you shouldn’t capitalize it.

Sans stood there for a moment, staring at the Box then at his brother and then back to the Box. Eventually, he sighed and picked up the box

But if you are going to capitalize random things, do try to be consistent about it.

A cork-board was shoved up against the dresser, it had a quickly scribbled drawing of Undyne with a bunch of spears.

This is a comma splice. You need to split the sentence in two or use a different transition method.

So far he had gotten lucky, but there was no telling when that luck would run out.

Wait, has he never died before this? Does he really think he’s in danger?

However, Frisk was nothing more than a small defenseless floating spirit that could easily be hurt if he wasn’t fast enough.

Hm, I wonder if this is a bit too literal. How do attacks work, in this case? It doesn’t seem like it should be possible for a disembodied heart to punch things.

faster than you can say “hot dogs””

When you’re quoting inside a quote, you switch to single quotes. So this should be [faster than you can say ‘hot dogs’.”] (And in case you ever need it, if you have a quote within a quote within another quote, you switch back to double quotes, and alternate like that for any further quoteception.)

Eventually, they were able to dislodge the bone.

Well that was anticlimactic. Given that Papyrus couldn’t move it, I was expecting there to be something special about it.

disappear on it’s own

You want “its”. “It’s” means “it is”.

This was cute. Most fics portray Frisk as either a miserable sadsack or a grim, stoic determination machine, so a first-run Frisk acting like a normal cheery kid is nice to see. The ending was really abrupt, though.

I’m not sure why people are so obsessed with explaining things that are obviously pure gameplay abstractions.

There’s Only One Thing You Can Do (and you can’t do it)

(and it was foolish, but Asgore somehow found himself hoping the exact same thing. So maybe they were both fools)

I…think,/i> this is technically correct, but it’s still awkward to have multiple sentences in an inserted parenthetical. I’d recommend rewording it to remove the period — maybe replace it with a dash?

Even if it was impossible
[…]
(Asgore was sure that it they got hit again after that, they’d “fall down” and not get back up)

You’re also missing punctuation for these sentences.

The description here is good, especially Asgore’s intrusive thoughts, but the ending is very abrupt.

Dust to Dust

sometime’s he would

You shouldn’t have an apostrophe here.

it had been so many times now

You forgot to capitalize this sentence.

When he’d said his peace

You want “piece”, not “peace”.

To make him see the error of his ways.

Him? You referred to Chara with neutral pronouns earlier.

“YOU CAN BE GOOD, I KNOW IT.”,

You have some punctuation weirdness going on here.

and he could feel shuddering, shaking, emenating from the warmth

Emanating. Where do you type your story? Most word processors should catch this mistake. This sentence also doesn’t make much sense. Is the shuddering and shaking emanating from the warmth? In that case it should be [shuddering and shaking emanating from the warmth], but the word choice is still confusing, because “emanating” usually refers to intangible qualities, not discrete physical behaviors. I think it’d make more sense if you said “along with the warmth” instead.

This is an interesting idea, and not one I’ve seen before.

for darkling green

Enjoy your first meeting with Soft Chara’s ringleader! Her early fic is quite reasonable, fortunately. It’s not until later that the crazy set in.

Newer Home

Ahaha! Most people go with “New New Home”, but I think I like this better.

Luckily we had Frisk around, so everything turned out all right—” here she makes a face—

Oh my god you know how to interrupt dialogue with a non-speaking verb this is like seeing a unicorn. Unfortunately it’s still not quite right… The placement of the dash has to be consistent, that is, either inside or outside the quotes on both ends. You have the dash inside the quote first, but outside the quote second, which looks a little weird.

‘Cause sometimes,” and she jerks her chin in Frisk’s general direction, “the

But nooo you messed up here. The interrupting clause doesn’t contain a speech verb, so you also need the dashes for this.

This is really cute. You write Undyne well.

When you fall, get right back up

This is far too short for a first chapter, especially since this is a novelization so there’s no tension in a slow build. I’d recommend fusing it with your second.

Interesting tie-in with Asriel and Chara, though.

Blood Still Stains When The Sheets Are Washed

As Mr. West of Room 213, U.S. History, surveyed his seventh hour classroom as they worked silently on a worksheet, he noticed two things.

This reads awkwardly to me. I think it’s the “U.S. history” part, since you separated it by commas. Changing it to a parenthetical, or removing it entirely and revealing that information later, might work better. The sentence is also quite breathless despite not technically being a run-on. The repetition of “as” may be the cause of this.

Also, “history” shouldn’t be capitalized, as it is not a proper noun. English is the only school subject that’s capitalized.

But he was now- god, he was

But when used in place of a name, “God” is capitalized.

Mr. West had never been scared out of his wits before. Hell, he’d been to war and hadn’t been that afraid. But he was now- god, he was scared now more than he had ever been with guns pointed at him.

This seems a bit over the top. Someone who’s both a war vet and a teacher should have dealt with creepy screaming kids before. Frisk hasn’t even done anything overtly threatening, they’re just acting weird.

This is pretty short for a first chapter — I’d recommend fusing it with your second. You’ve added hints of a hook, but the story hasn’t really started yet.

SAVED and Sound

Also I don’t know a good way to bring chara and asriel back so i just kinda pulled it out of my butt. IDK THE FLAVOR TEXT SAID THE LOCKET WAS REALLY WARM SO SOULS?? POSSIBLY.

That’s fine. If you just want to focus on one thing it’s okay to do some handwavey deus ex machina stuff in the backstory to get there. However, most fics I’ve seen just start with Asriel and Chara on the surface, with no explanation at all. Personally, I feel that works better since it doesn’t draw attention to the problem. That’s especially true here, where your intro is just a dry summation of events. Readers can take that stuff on faith if you casually bring it up within the main story.

The locket itself seemed to pull Frisk towards that intimidating room, holding the coffins of the six human souls, and the body of another. Within the clean white coffin marked with a red heart contained the amazingly-and unusually, if Frisk had anything to say about it- well preserved body of Toriel and Asgore’s adopted child, the first human, Chara.

Chara isn’t in the coffin, though. Chara’s buried under the flowers where Frisk first fell.

it’s destination

You want “its”. “It’s” means “it is”.

sans-esque

“Sans” should be capitalized here.

Upon reaching the lower level they were met with a peaceful scene, the bright yellow curtains had been drawn back

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

“Good Morning” Frisk signed

You’re writing dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

“Sorry i can’t stay and chat Frisk,”

“I” is always capitalized, not just sometimes. This is also a direct address, so you need a comma before “Frisk”.

(Sadly, it was a problem he still had, feeling guilty for even the smallest things ever since his time trapped in a flower, but Frisk and the rest of their family made it a point to let Asriel know it was alright)

This is really awkwardly placed, and really awkward in general. Show don’t tell.

Despite being two years Frisk’s elder

…Asriel’s lived for thousands of years, including loops. I presume you’re talking about physical maturation, but it’s still a weird thing to draw attention to. (We don’t even know if monsters mature at the same rate as humans.)

Cloths were

Clothes.

mom needs us

You forgot to capitalize this.

“I uh, I’m being serious.” Chara stated

“Stated” is not a synonym for “said”. Don’t use it as such.

Power Surge

Baseball

Is not a proper noun and therefore should not be capitalized.

“Oh but SANS~!” His brother yelled

You’re writing dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] Finally, if you’re breaking up a sentence with a non-speaking verb, you have options: you can use [“Hi. This –” She looked around. “– is it.”] or [“Hi. This”–she looked around–“is it.”] or [“Hi. This…” She looked around. “…is it.”], but not any of the formats you use for speaking verbs. The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

Frisk quickly collected, and

I think you dropped a word here.

San’s […] Not Now

You have some typos here.

Undyne, Sir

“Sir” is only capitalized when it comes before someone’s name.

Snowden

Snowdin.

watched as pillars of smoke and blue rose from the streets

I think you dropped a word here. Did you mean to say “blue fire”?

his skull was elongated into a monsters

Monster’s. Also pretty awkward terminology to use when the word has a separate meaning in canon.

“I won’t let you live, Chara!”

How does he know Chara’s name?

The ending feels a little abrupt.

Well that was random. Probably bleed from something that originated on Tumblr.

[Deleted]

It’s your birthday and I’m just lying here feeling sorry for myself!” The queen exclaims

You’re generally writing dialogue correctly, but you made a mistake here.

Your sentences in general tend to be a little awkward-sounding. I’d recommend you get a beta reader to help.

a mess of tangles strings

For instance, you tend to use the wrong endings for verbs like this.

there is –theoretically– nothing

This formatting is also pretty awkward, since -this- is also used as a form of emphasis in some writing styles. Writers usually use a full dash separated by spaces, like [there is — theoretically — nothing].

Don’t worry, mom

When used in place of a name, “mom” is capitalized.

This is otherwise well-written, if dense.

“We wanted to go outside, but he’s weak. I told him to kill me, to really try, because I’m strong and wouldn’t get hurt, but he wouldn’t do it. So I knew he wouldn’t survive outside. I spared him before something worse got him. Isn’t that what family’s for?”

Ah, that’s a neat parallel to when Toriel fights Frisk.

And wait, why is Sans reset back before Frisk falls? Is there something else influencing the timeline?

This one was deleted, which disappoints me since it was actually pretty good.

Chapter 2:

The reset only takes them back to when Frisk first falls into the Underground

Wait, but in the first chapter he got taken back to before then. How does that work?

Sans’ behavior is confusing to me. He seems to be acting like Frisk is wholly responsible — thinking The thought of them resetting to murder his brother multiple times for instance — but he knows about Chara, and Frisk’s behavior is so obviously that of someone who opposes Chara’s actions. It makes sense that Sans might be bitter that they aren’t trying harder to stop Chara, but it’s absolutely baffling that he condemns Frisk as if they’re the one doing the murdering.

I also don’t understand the idea that Sans can’t fight them until the last corridor. The reason Sans waits in canon is because he doesn’t retain memories from resets, so he doesn’t realize that Chara has to be stopped until it’s too late. But you’re writing an AU where he knows Chara’s a murderbot from the start, so he has no reason to hesitate. I think you’re adhering too rigidly to game abstractions here.

(Speaking of which, you should probably label this as an AU.)

I’d also advise you turn down the purple prose just a tad. This kind of story is suited to a very descriptive style, but it can get exhausting to read. When you find yourself using words like “epidermis” in normal description, you should start considering that maybe you’re overdoing it a little.

But wow, this is really depressing. The idea of inescapable time loops is really terrifying when you think about it, and you really explore how devastating it would feel. I really hope there’s going to be some kind of happy ending, but it doesn’t look like it, since Frisk says Chara is constantly gaining ground but never loses it. The hopelessness of inevitability is really such a crushing, terrifying thing.

These Nightmares We Have

The bad dreams they’ve been plagued with

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be [The bad dreams they had been plagued with].

they actually have more

Had, not have.

“Lame.” They whispered

You’re writing dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

Reset

The light came back into his gaze, the dagger edge of his tone softened, “relax

The narration here doesn’t contain a speaking verb, so you need to end it with a period instead of a comma.

“i’ll be fine, kid.” he said

You’re also writing dialogue incorrectly in general. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

his brothers firm

Typo.

Ellipses are always three dots, never two.

Sans shouldn’t be able to hear the battle. The door in Toriel’s basement doesn’t correspond to the door in Snowdin; there’s a long hallway and the Flowey room between them.

another round of hell

When referring to the singular place, Hell is capitalized.

“name’s Sans

You have an inconsistency here.

The air bit into the skin

You need a transition before this paragraph. It took me a while to figure out what was going on.

A dim glow found it’s center

You want “its”. “It’s” means “it is”.

At least they weren’t crying this time, he thought, stomach twisting at the memories. They hadn’t threatened him either. A good sign, that, it meant that they were less likely to lash out later on, to resort to attacking when the battles got rough.

Okay, so if he remembers this was a bad idea in previous timelines, why does he keep doing it? The reason he always acts the same way in canon is because he doesn’t remember previous runs. If you’re changing it so that he can remember, that should influence his behavior. He shouldn’t keep making the same mistakes or pointlessly antagonizing a Frisk that doesn’t have to be intimidated.

For instance, if he knows Chara’s an irredeemable murderbot from the start, he should kill Chara the moment they exit the ruins. The only reason he waits until the last corridor in canon is because he doesn’t recognize the danger until it’s too late.

They stuck to the mercy route.

This is a weird way of phrasing it in-universe. From Sans’ perspective, there should be an infinite number of variations and possibilities for every action, since he doesn’t know he lives in a video game with a rigid, hardcoded sequence of events. And since this is a novelization where things can vary, every “mercy route” should be different, making the term inaccurate.

They jerked their head up at his approach, a strangled yelp torn from their mouth. “W-who are you?”

Why doesn’t Frisk remember Sans? Do they not remember resets in this?

The birds were about the only ones left alive, besides the king.

This is incorrect. Alphys and her refugees are still alive at the end of the omnicide route.

Ah, Sans’ attacks are cold-based? That’s an interesting interpretation of their continual damage property.

[Deleted]

humans and.monsters

Typo.

Each of them allotted its own unique hell

I can’t parse this. I think you’re using “allotted” wrong.

“This.” I told them.

You’re writing dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

Sorry this first chapter is so short.

If you know it’s short, make it longer instead of apologizing. You don’t have deadlines.

This is indeed too short for a first chapter; it’s more of a prologue. You introduce the premise and something of a hook, but you don’t give the reader any idea of what the main story will be like. I’d recommend stapling this to the start of your second chapter instead.

Difference

Sans point of veiw

Typo.

How does Sans know about Chara?

“Heh. Paps would love that.” He said

You’re writing dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

“I just had a feeling mom.”

When used in place of a name, “mom” is capitalized.

I’m not sure why Sans assumes this will change anything. Has the pacifist ending never happened here?

Underfallen

Your summary is very vague. I would appreciate it if you gave a better idea of the overall story than just the opening quote. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is frustrating and manipulative. I would also appreciate a note explaining the AU you’re using. Even though I have some familiarity with Underfell, I’m still a bit confused by what’s going on, and many people have different interpretations and assumptions of the same AU. When you’re doing something nonstandard, you should try to bring clueless readers up to speed.

He cared for nothing except for the skeleton by his side

For instance, I have no idea if this is OOC or not, because I don’t know what interpretation you’re using. Are you doing an inversion Underfell, or just straight-up grimdark Underfell? This is okay for the latter, but it’s antithetical to the former.

You’re writing dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader. Note that all of this also applies when the speech tag comes before the dialogue.

You’re overusing unusual speech verbs. Just use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever trendy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

Since she was distracted

Frisk? A little nitpicky, but you might want to tag this with “female Frisk”, since that’s what other people do. It’s nice to have consistency among the category and all.

taking this insult while down

This is awkwardly worded. Did you mean to say “taking this lying down”?

She continued on, ignoring his obvious anger

You forgot punctuation here.

Do you really think undyne

Typo.

Sans looked at the hand and nervously licked at his gold tooth

How does a skeleton lick something? o_O

“WHAT?” Sans swallowed, and spoke again.

“i said knock knock” Papyrus

Writing dialogue this way is disorienting. Try to pair a character’s actions with their speech, even if those actions don’t contain speech verbs.

There were only 2 ways

Write out numbers with letters.

That seemed really stupid of Sans. He couldn’t have just explained his concerns instead? That would have also afforded Frisk enough of a distraction to escape.

take my arms that i might reach you

seeing if its possible

Typo.

You’re overusing semicolons. Most of the sentences where you use them would be better served by being split into two sentences.

then hoist their backpack

Hoists.

It’s not quite the same with Toriel asking about their day

Do you mean “without”?

Sans cracking jokes as swings Frisk over the cracks in the pavement

I think you dropped a word here.

Ellipses are always three dots, never four.

even with Asriel’s soul resisting them

Asriel’s soul isn’t around to resist anything, it shattered when he died.

but they’ve always been a child of few words, haven’t they?

Not…really? Most ACT commands involve talking.

A piece of a Soul

“Soul” is not a proper noun and therefore should not be capitalized.

Ehhh. I’m really not comfortable with the idea that the best thing for Asriel to do is die, especially since he has a lot of parallels to real-world mental illnesses like depression. He definitely retains some compassion and personality when he turns back, since he changes his mind on wanting to erase the happy ending. Saying there’s no hope seems very premature in light of that, and this conclusion also carries a whiff of “it’s good to let suicidal people kill themselves”.

Empty Graves

Before leaving the underground

You capitalize “underground” elsewhere, so you should probably do so here for consistency.

This is far too short for a first chapter; it’s basically just a single scene, if that. You stop just before something happens, so I don’t have a good idea of how the story is going to work. I would recommend stapling this onto your second chapter.

Chapter 2

Before all of, well, this, the only thing you vaguely remember is facing ASGORE, the king of monsters, with all your might,

You ended this with a comma instead of a period.

though glove

Tough glove?

Once again, this is too short; nothing’s really happened, so it’s more of a prologue. I think the story would work better if you lumped all the souls’ awakenings into a single chapter.

Goodbye To A World

“Cold?” this was yet another difference from every other visit.

The narration doesn’t contain a speech verb, so the sentence should be capitalized.

They could almost hear the voice pout, “Ugh, you’re so boring…”

Similarly, this is also an independent sentence, so you need a period, not a comma.

Frisk barely glanced in the voice’s direction and made a point to continue staring at a point in the shadow’s they’d decided to fixate on.

This is awkwardly worded, and I don’t think the apostrophe in “shadow’s” should be there.

You’re overusing unusual speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever trendy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

Their legs trembled under their own weight where they stood; like damaged support beams barely holding up a structure that might as well have been condemned.

This is an improper use of a semicolon, as the second half isn’t an independent clause. You want a comma instead. “Might as well have been” is also awkward wording; it’s generally a good idea to avoid waffling qualifiers like that in narration.

Ellipses are always three periods, never four.

Either they both stayed here, forever, and let the ruins of the world they left behind try and recoup….

I can’t parse this. Focus on what you actually want to say instead of using five-dollar words at every opportunity.

Otherwise, this looks like an interesting concept, but this is a bit short for a first chapter. Remember that the first chapter is where you have to hook your reader — generally, this means showing something happening, instead of just a description of the setup.

Chapter 2

Frisk appreciated it’s company

You want “its”. “It’s” means “it is”.

But they refused to let Chara ruin this one thing that they had left in the world. So Frisk steeled themself and took a deep, calming breath, and let their eyes relax on that one spot in the dark.

This is awkward. You can technically use fragments like this in narration, but I think this would flow better if you merged this into one sentence. Your sentences are pretty short in general, which can make the story feel clunky in places.

Once again, this is too short. Nothing has happened, the plot hasn’t advanced. You’ve just described a single scene. This should have been part of your first chapter.

Chapter 3

Someone who’d fallen so far from where they began,and still hadn’t hit the bottom…

Missed a space here.

Even if Frisk didn’t deserve a happy ending, that didn’t mean that all of their friends should miss out on all of the possibilities it entailed.

Thank you for making this point. A lot of stories tend to examine this kind of thing only in terms of how the main character can angst about it, with no concern for the actual effects it’ll have on people. Even if Frisk thinks they don’t deserve a second chance, everyone else definitely does, and the fact they understand that shows they’re a good person.

Chapter 4

Chara looked expectantly towards the quiet, wisp a voice.

You seem to have mixed up some words here.

unwielding conviction

Unyielding.

the growing wattage of Chara’s smile

This sounds incredibly awkward. Just say “brightness” or something.

As opposed to Frisk’s forced stillness, Chara couldn’t seem to stop moving.

Hmm. That doesn’t seem terribly consistent with what we see in-game. Chara-possessed Frisk is always described as a slow, shambling, dead-eyed creature, and in the ending they seem very calm and purposeful in their speech. I suppose you could say Chara acts more lively once they’re at their full power, but this still struck me as odd.

This was what they’d been waiting for!

So wait, are you switching to omniscient here? Switching POV abruptly is bad form. It took me a little while to understand what was going on here.

They thought of Temmie village, and then disregarded it for the better.

y u hate temmie? :( “Disregarded it for the better” is also awkward phrasing. “Thought better of it” sound more like what you’re trying to get at.

Alphys’s lab in the Hotland, and what laid below it…

How does Frisk know about the true lab? Earlier they said that they listened to Chara on their first run, which implies they never made it to the perfect pacifist route. If the idea was supposed to be that they got the true ending their first time through and only went omnicidal later, that wasn’t conveyed very clearly.

the Barrier leading to the Surface

Neither of those are capitalized in the game, so they shouldn’t be here either.

But ah, at least something happened. This should have been where your first chapter ended.

It always weirds me out when people portray Chara as a cackling maniac.

Chapter 5

it eased some of their uneasiness

Repeated sounds sound awkward (see?), so you should try to avoid them.

Sans went to complete opposite direction

Dropped a word here. This should probably be [Sans went in the complete opposite direction].

The kid was harmless

How does he know this? Presumably he can sense LOVE, but it might be helpful to the reader if you explicitly spelled that out.

he said affirmatively

Remember what I said about unusual speech verbs? That also applies to overusing adverbs. “Affirmatively”, in particular, is one you should almost never need to use. “He said” gets the point across fine here.

Sans skeptical stare

You forgot the apostrophe here.

kid that looks like me you met

This is awkwardly worded. “The kid you met that looks like me”, if you must, but honestly, you don’t need both of the qualifiers. One would suffice here.

anomoly

Typo.

ok

It’s “okay”, four letters.

This really would have read better as a oneshot. But this is a good ending, if a bit wordy.

shadow tag

This is really cute and terrifying at the same time. And there’s going to be more?

“Why, Chara could use the fresh air,” Dad said, “Couldn’t they?

BUT you made a mistake here. If the “couldn’t they” is supposed to be part of the same sentence, it shouldn’t be capitalized; it it’s supposed to be its own sentence, “Dad said” should end with a period.

As long as Chara keeps calling your dad by his name, then it’ll be okay.

Also hm, what does he mean by this? That if Chara considers themselves part of his family, then it’s incest? Would monsters even care about that?

Interested to see where this goes.

Everlasting

Sans wrapped his knuckles on the door

You mean he knocked? The correct word to use in that case is “rapped”.

Sans had made a habit of paying her frequent visits in-between his jobs, she really seemed to appreciate it as far as he could tell.

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

when Frisk left home the flower was left behind

That… seems like a really bad idea. Unless he’s retained the nicer personality seen in the reset stinger, Flowey is a huge danger to everyone. This also makes it sound like Frisk has given up on redeeming him, which is sad.

“well i’m actually here to see toriel, but that sounds like fun, too.” Sans said

You’re writing dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

right on queue

Cue, not queue.

Boss Monster

Is not a proper noun and thus should not be capitalized.

This is sweet, but ends rather abruptly, and doesn’t explore the theme given in the summary very thoroughly. Could I request you make a more informative summary?

“Toriel is worried about her immortality.” But the POV character is Sans. Sans consumes everything he touches. All is Sans. There is no escape.

it didn’t really matter

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is frustrating and manipulative.

Surface

Is not a proper noun and thus should not be capitalized.

It was like hell itself.

On the other hand, when referring to the singular location, “Hell” is capitalized.

Otherwise, this is sweet.

Sadly, nothing

It seems your cellphone took quite the beating, the glass broken but it still turns on when you press the button.

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition. The second part is also hard to parse; I think you dropped a word.

“You must be so confused! Someone ought to teach you how things work around here. I guess little old me will have to do” it winks at you

You’re writing dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

No, it’s because, like every time you meet someone new, you can feel inside who they really are.

So what you’re saying is that this story will have absolutely zero tension because the protagonist is omniscient. Don’t do this, it’s lazy writing that robs the story of depth.

“Down here, LOVE is shared through…little white…”friendliness pellets”. Are you ready? Get as many as you can!”

When you quote inside a quote, you use single quotes instead of double quotes; otherwise, the reader will be confused about where the dialogue ends. (If you quote inside a quote inside a quote, you go back to double quotes.)

You stepped aside before the pellets hit you

This is in past tense, but the rest of the story is in present.

“RUN. INTO. THE. PELLETS” Flowey shoots once more

“Shouts”. Also, given how strongly you’re adhering to game conventions, why didn’t you include the “bullets” slip?

Your description is very lacking. I feel like I’m reading a dry summary interspersed with a narrator’s thoughts.

Ellipses are always three dots, never two or four.

You have no idea what its talking about.

You want “it’s”. “Its” is the possessive.

You blackout.

“Black out”, two words. “Blackout” is a noun.

children shoes

“children’s shoes”

You’re making a lot of mistakes in general. I’d recommend getting a beta reader.

just because its blue doesnt mean it wont burn you

Sans uses apostrophes in-game.

im not as good with fire magic as Tori

If you’re doing all lowercase Sans, be consistent about it.

This is an intriguing premise, but you really need to polish your writing more. Also,

things don’t get interesting ’til chapter 2 or 3. Sorry.

If you know it’s a problem, then rewrite your story instead of apologizing it. There is no federally-mandated chapter length limit, and no one is forcing you to publish this half-baked. I’d actually say this chapter is acceptable for an intro, but it would be nice if you established more of the setting here and gave us an idea of what the plot will look like.

Who’s There?

Characters: Sans (Undertale)Papyrus (Undertale)Toriel (Undertale)Frisk (Undertale)

Additional Tags: Toriel and Frisk are mentioned but not really active participants in the fic

Why am I not surprised.

Simple things are like that, and they’re all the more reliable for it.The bigger things

Forgot a space here.

“You caught me. I was going to go outside my radius,”

This is clever. I haven’t seen many people come up with puns like this.

It’s like she’s never hear a joke before

Typo.

After all, if he has to do anything, then it’s already too late.

So, here’s the thing: In canon, Sans cannot remember previous resets. This is why he always waits until the last corridor to confront Chara; not because there is some law of the universe preventing him from engaging until that point, but because he doesn’t know just how dangerous Chara is until then. If he does remember everything, it doesn’t make sense for him to wring his hands and wait like he does in the game. If he’s already had the epiphany that caused him to intervene in the first place, he shouldn’t hesitate — Chara should be reduced to paste the moment they walk out of the door.

This ends pretty abruptly. I’m not entirely sure what’s going on. Did Frisk allow Toriel to destroy the gate?

Rewind and Replay

sans realizes this

Protip: Grammar mistakes in your summary look really, really bad. If there is one thing you proofread thoroughly, it should be that.

“Ow ow ow.” You say rubbing your forehead.

You’re writing dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

You should also have a comma after “say” here. You’re making a lot of mistakes in general — I’d recommend you get a beta reader.

It’s “okay”, four letters.

The flower….sneered? How would it do that? Whatever. “You’re a little slow aren’t ya? This is the part where you introduce yourself.”

That’s really stupid of him. His whole plan involves acting sweet and innocent; this is putting that all to waste. Flowey isn’t this impatient.

Well I’m Humy the Human.

This is clever, though.

it’s grin

You want “its”. “It’s” means “it is”.

Spinning white bullets surrounded you in a circle

The rest of your story is in present tense, so this should be as well.

you will need to learn how to learn how to handle confrontation

You duplicated part of this.

I’m just going to skip most of the tutorial stuff here. You feel like a moron talking to a dummy but it makes Toriel happy. You talk to some frogs, find some candy, and buy a spider donut that you’re not sure you’ll ever want to eat. Skipping ahead to Toriel’s house).

Well, my suspension of disbelief was just atomized. Nothing is more jarring than including author notes in your story. Write proper scene transitions instead.

Ellipses are always three dots, never four. Or five.

Reflexively you went to the dresser, almost as if you knew something would be there. A glint of silver caught your eye and you snatched it up and shoved it in your pocket. Not sure why but it could be useful later.

So what you’re saying is your character is a sue who will always Just Know what they need to make things work out in their favor. This is a bad idea that does nothing but eliminate any possible tension from the story. (If you have a good reason for doing this, and by that I mean you know exactly why you’re including it and how you’re going to use it to enhance the story, then this is acceptable, but you need to foreshadow that reason better.)

She was not happy you wanted to leave. In fact, she made you feel a little guilty and ungrateful to her kindness. But there just wasn’t a way you could stay here in the ruins for the rest of your life.

Show don’t tell. This reads like a summary or outline rather than an actual story.

Retreading the game’s plot is not inherently interesting. If you’re going somewhere with this, start the story there. I’d also recommend you read this.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Skip to toolbar