[37] Undertale Reviews, Part 14 and Final?

It’s the end. At this point I was jumping all over the place, but I did cover a pretty good one that Ember recced me.


Do What You Will

All lowercase Sans does not work nearly as well in prose as it does in game.

There was the familiar pull of your soul being drawn into a fight. you gripped harder

Forgot a capital here.

Your tenses are inconsistent. This is very distracting and disorienting.

Otherwise, this is very nice. I like stuff that blurs narration between Chara and Frisk, it’s nicely trippy.

Trick

a drawer or tow

Typo.

I’m not really sure what’s going on here. How does Chara have body-swapping powers?

Ghost Tea

Mettaton was leaving, and it would be impossible for them to spend more time with them if they stayed behind.

??? This is a bit hard to follow. You alternate between using “him” and “they” pronouns for Mettaton throughout this, so it can be hard to tell if you’re referring to him or Napstablook.

offering to cook for them if it’s not

Should this be in present tense? Everything else is in past.

This is cute.

Human

She’s like a storyteller; the way her eyes light up, the way her voice changes to suit the mood of whatever scene she’s setting.

This semicolon is misused; the two clauses linked by a semicolon have to be independent, like here. This would need a different connector to feel natural.

And she doesn’t like the other monsters, even Dad.

This seems inconsistent with Chara’s behavior in canon – they were willing to kill themselves to accomplish their plan when they could have easily shanked Asriel or Asgore for it, implying they don’t totally hate monsters. But they are awfully quick to jump on the murder train once they lose their soul, so who knows.

Angel of Death

But the answer Frisk wants the most is this; when will it end?

This should be a full colon.

Fishing it out Frisk keeps on batting at the toy

There should be a comma after “out” here.

No sound can spangle the ears and burrow six meters deep beneath the heart like the shriek of a child can.

Google tells me spangle means “to cover with spangles or other small sparkling objects.” That doesn’t seem very fitting here; did you substitute it for another word by mistake?

Gooey batter slops over the counter tops and frantic paws when Toriel forsakes baking, spoon clattering into the unfinished mixture, to instantly serve as a maternal guardian for the child.

This is extremely overwrought and hard to follow. Describing as much as possible is not always a good thing; focus more on what you want the sentence to convey.

Whomever had dared to frighten Frisk or intend harm upon them would themselves rather daunted

Seems like you dropped a word here.

Oh, indeed there would be hell to pay from Toriel’s motherly instincts flaring and raging like Dante’s Inferno.

This is a pretty weird simile, since Dante’s Inferno was a book. The title referenced Hell, sure, but Dante didn’t invent the concept.

“Hush, my child, hush. What is it that has frightened you so?” She cooes

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

“I have no idea who would say such a thing. How cruel. Well, fear not my child. It is a lie. All is well- See, I am here, with you, very much alive. There is nothing to fear.

This lacks an endquote.

They would be up in heaven

In this context, “Heaven” is a proper noun and thus should be capitalized.

a true and finale end

You want “final”. “Finale” is a noun, meaning ending.

The beginning of this is interesting but it really falls apart at the end, as I have little idea what’s going on.

Royaltea

The gaps between paragraphs here are unusually large, which is a little distracting.

the Surface

This isn’t capitalized in canon, so shouldn’t be here. (Likewise, titles such as “king” aren’t capitalized when they aren’t being appended to a name.) You’re capitalizing a lot of things, in fact; while that does draw attention to them, it does the job too well, ending up just being distracting and putting undue focus on mundane words.

The humans, for all the stock they place in appearance, certainly invested more in words

I believe that should be “placed”, since the rest of the story is in past tense.

I appreciate that you’re capitalizing Sans’ dialogue.

Sans scratched that back of his skull.

???

a black board filled with quantum theorem

“Theorems”? You need a collective noun for this to make sense.

“Erm,” Asgore folded his hands, “Has
[…]
Anywho,” He held up a finger.
[…]
“If you think I am, then by all means,” Asgore smiled

You’re generally writing dialogue correctly, but you used commas instead of periods for non-speaking verbs here.

“Ah, hello Sans. Forgive me, I did not hear you come in. How are you today?” She said

And the “she” is errantly capitalized here.

“I see. Gosh. That’s not contagious, is it?”

:D Asgore’s bemusement is hilarious.

This is very cute, though I’m a bit disappointed we don’t get to see Toriel’s reaction.

Royal Flush

Learn to troll properly.

Every Dog Has Its Day

This is cute.

Constant

That school had been the start of it, really-the first truly integrated monster-human school.

Dashes need spaces around them for clarity – as this sentence demonstrates, it’s too easy to mix them up with hyphens if you don’t.

This is nice, and the ending is sweet.

golden flowers

“W-well,” he plays with his hooves nervously.

You’re usually writing dialogue correctly, but sometimes it’s inconsistent. If you’re unclear on the full rules, dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

That’s actually… A good idea.

Also, when an ellipses doesn’t end a sentence, the following part shouldn’t be capitalized.

“Cause we’re

“Cause” needs an apostrophe in front of it, ’cause it’s a contraction.

Otherwise, this is nice. I particularly like the animal-like descriptions of Asriel, although I’m pretty sure he has hands and not hooves in canon?

Remember

You’ve got a lot of comma splices. You should probably read up on comma and transition usage, or maybe get a beta reader.

Echo Flowers

Is not a proper noun and therefore should not be capitalized.

There was a hole in the black and blue, a spot of bright where cool and dim stood around.

I’m having a hard time understanding this, especially the second part.

“…the great Papyrus must not have heard you correctly.” He tried, but Flowey cut him off

? Hard to follow this too – that’s a complete sentence, so Flowey can’t have cut him off.

who’s giggling

“whose”

Why is there a break in the middle? There doesn’t seem to be any timeskip, and the POV doesn’t change.

Thin, bone fingers closed around it was riiiiped from the earth

You seem to have dropped a word here.

“Heh…I knew y-you were in there, Gaster…” It muttered

You’re generally writing dialogue correctly, but you capitalized the “it” by mistake here.

Otherwise, this is nice, and well-written. Papyrus and Flowey are both very true to themselves.

Timed Mission

You’ve got a lot of comma splices. You should probably read up on comma and transition usage, or maybe get a beta reader.

The boat swayed violently as they sped across the water

Shouldn’t this be in present tense?

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

Alphy’s elevator

“Alphys’”

then straight into the king’s castle to stop… Something.

When an ellipses doesn’t end a sentence, the following part shouldn’t be capitalized.

the River Person
[…]
a Queen
[…]
the Knight
[…]
Emerge

These are not proper nouns and therefore should not be capitalized.

This had dramatic consequences, as leaving your husband often does.

This sounds awkward, as the second-person narration makes it unclear that this is the general you. You should probably change it to “one’s husband” to make it clearer.

There had been seven things that turned into nothing.

Shouldn’t that be eight, counting both Chara and Asriel?

and ask you held them close

???

Did any of them did?

I think you have an extraneous word here.

the old fashion way

“old-fashioned”

you’ve been through worst

“worse”

whatever wind you were storing in your gils

“Gills”, also gills don’t store air.

Do they know that that means for them?

???

The underground almost runs on hope anymore.

That “anymore” doesn’t make sense. “Now”?

slow down and breath

“Breathe”. “Breath” is the noun.

It’s old and regal arches

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

but you it pervades your thoughts

???

I need too

You want “to”. “Too” means “also”.

All that’s new is buttercups, buttercups, buttercups, covering the surfaces.

? I thought the golden flowers were different from buttercups.

She says thank you and you hear footsteps down the hall. When you’re sure she’s gone, you say you’re welcome.

:)

Archway, empty room, the pulse of the barrier, petals on the floor, blood drips, ashes and a cape and crown and armor and a trident in the middle of it.

Ah, so we aren’t doing the true end after all. I thought it was odd when you said Alphys would never come back from the lab.

good king Dreemurr tried kill him

Who is “him”? Frisk? You refer to them with “they” pronouns elsewhere.

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

her fists clenching together so tight blood drips

Monsters don’t bleed.

You don’t her to see you cry

Dropped a word.

This is very sweet and well-written. This is an excellent idea for a fic and I loved the way you shifted POV to advance the story and show everyone’s feelings. Everyone was very in-character and you wrote them wonderfully. But that’s hard to appreciate when there are syntax errors in nearly every paragraph. You really need to proofread more.

This one led to a truly epic temper tantrum spewed all over one of my fics because AOOO apparently doesn’t have a PM system. Did you know AOOO does not have a PM system? It’s like they poured all their functionality into their filtering and categorizing systems and didn’t have anything left over for proper communication. At least their incompetence leads to public drama for our amusement. Enjoy your theater of a narcissistic manchild explaining that adoring praise is unspeakably rude if it happens to also tell you how to fix your grammar errors.

sans’ ‘dogs

All lowercase Sans does not work nearly as well in prose as it does in game.

No matter whether it were a watery wasteland or a hot, dry mountain; the skeleton was always there

This is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace the semicolon with a period and the resulting sentences should still make sense. You want a comma here.

“hey kid.” sans said

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

on the bring of laughter

“brink”

Otherwise, this is very nice. I particularly like the attention to description in the first half.

Kindertale

You don’t need to label your chapters “chapter 1” etc., AOOO will do that for you.

Looking back on it, you’re not sure what first wakes you.

Shouldn’t this be in past tense? The whole story jumps between past and present seemingly arbitrarily, which is very jarring and distracting.

at-you glance

Dashes need to be bordered by spaces – otherwise they’re too easily confused with hyphens. Also, this is a hyphen, not a dash. You can create a dash in word by putting two hyphens together.

Five twenty two

Large numbers need to be hyphenated, so this should be “twenty-two”.

“C’mon, Pap, please.” He pleads

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. This just barely introduces the premise, but without any clear idea of the details or what the story is going to look like going forward. It cuts off far too abruptly.

I do like your description, though.

Fandom gets really weird sometimes.

:||:

let’s get you

Toriel never uses contractions.

The room was exactly like it was in Home, Underground, in that it was exactly nothing like it.

That’s a pretty confusing way of phrasing it. I think I can see what you were going for but it’s still really hard to follow.

I miss mom and dad!

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

Am I real?

This is pretty jarring since the narration is in third-person. I presume the narrator is going to turn out to be a separate character and this is foreshadowing that?

It’s just a dream.

This is in present tense, but the surrounding narration is in past. If it’s meant to be Frisk thinking this, it needs to be marked as separate from narration (such as with italics).

Frisk pulled themselves up from the bed

This is confusing because Frisk was in an actual bed in the previous scene. The next few sentences make it clear, but it took me a little bit to understand. “Flowerbed” would be clearer here.

Frisk turned their head… down a short ways, the familiar dark purple outline of a doorway loomed.

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

I’m F-flowey!

When a proper noun is stuttered, the second part should be capitalized too.

“..Asriel

Incomplete ellipses.

This is interesting, though I’m not yet certain what distinguishes it from the many other fics with similar premises. Still, it’s nice to see something happen in the first chapter.

Chapter 2

“My child,” she approached them one day.

You’re generally writing dialogue correctly, but when dialogue is paired with a non-speaking verb, the narration is considered a separate sentence, and the dialogue ends with a period instead of a comma.

“I WILL NOT BECOME LIKE YOU!” They screamed

And this has the opposite problem; you capitalized “they” by mistake.

c o n t r o l.

This lacks an endquote.

Chapter 3

You’ve left me so scarred that I shake when I speak of you.

You want “scared”, I think. “Scarred” means “covered in scars”.

“…”

This is a visual art convention that doesn’t work in prose.

What?! He’s going to kill you!

Why would Chara care about that? Do they not know about the rewind power, or…?

A Froggit

In this context, this isn’t a proper noun and therefore shouldn’t be capitalized. (You may note that, in the game, monster names are structured like proper nouns – “Froggit hops into view” rather than “A Froggit hops into view”, for instance.)

“Of course not. But you will. You all will.” Down came the blade, slicing through the creature. In one swipe, it had turned to dust.

Well that was sudden. This doesn’t seem in-character for Frisk at all; they’re an incredibly forgiving person.

And then Frisk kills everyone because they’re angry about the reset? What the frick.

Frisky business, this magic stuff…

You nod vigorously and Asgore and Toriel share a look.

This is in present tense, but the rest of the story is in past.

This is nice, even though it ends a bit abruptly.

Rain Will Make the Flowers Grow

The greenhouse you’d had built

???

to duck […] old knife

Extra spaces.

deaths….

Extra period.

my Dad

Not sure if this should be capitalized, since it’s being used as a common noun. But I could also see it being used like a name in this context.

This is really sweet and lovely.

The fish in the small stream that winds between the flowerbeds flash like comets against the dark stones that line the bottom, startled by your passage as you make your way toward the birdsong. Asgore had never had the heart to turn the birds that had found their way into the greenhouse out into the cold, and they often serenaded him now as he worked.
[…]
Today was one of your girly days, and the dress you’re currently sporting is one of your favourites. From a distance, it looks like a pretty blue dress with white polka-dots. Only when you get closer can you see that the dots are actually little skulls. As the late afternoon light bounces off the flowers, it paints all of them gold.
[…]
An innocent weapon, never meant for so vile a purpose.

And the description is beautiful, as usual.

Besties Do Crap Like Get Tattoos

“How big should it be? Wait, don’t answer that. What about my entire back, just a hugeass tattoo of a spear, down my spine?”

“Get one of Alphys.”

Excellent.

if they had went through it once

Should this be “gone through”?

that half-laugh Toriel did when Asgore tried to tell a joke she already heard from Sans.

This is a great detail.

“Of course I did, mom.”

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

This is all very sweet and adorable. You write all the characters wonderfully. I’m particularly pleased to see a more assertive, extroverted Frisk; that’s not a common characterization.

,a href=http://archiveofourown.org/works/5181341>Bad Timing

“…”

This is a visual art convention that doesn’t work in prose.

“I AM TOTALLY IN CONTROL!” Terezi shouted at him, but went to go put a dent in the tree anyways.

That seems really OOC. Terezi is almost always extremely composed in canon. Even during Murderstuck she didn’t get this hotheaded.

Karkat finally spoke up. “Can’t you at least try and see if he’s alright? Why don’t you concentrate on that and we’ll go off to the decide who goes down there?”

They all murmured in agreement and Rose went to go sit down and meditate.

That’s not at all how Rose’s powers work in canon.

After a few minutes, it was decided John and Dave should go. Not only were those two strong, but John’s wind powers would be able to get them out of the cave again. Rose came back to tell them that yes, Sollux was safe and sound, and he was doing alright. Karkat breathed a sigh of relief and finally, John and Dave were sent down.

This sudden shift to summarizing events is really jarring after that impassioned discussion.

John and Dave had floated down the hole

So wait, they knew exactly where to go? Why did they have to have the argument, then? It seems like the obvious solution. They can fly, so it’s not like they’d even be trapped.

an entrane

Typo.

Dave was nearly injured by, but he came out alright.

Dropped a word.

She was holding a shouting, potted plant but was looking calm.

“Oh, uh, no. We’re looking for our friend,” John said.

Something seems to be missing here.

um..

Ellipses are always three dots, never two or four.

How Do You Bury a Flower?

You should include a space between paragraphs; with no indents, they can blur together otherwise.

There have been many trips to any from old homes to the new

I can’t parse this.

a Froggit

In this context, this isn’t a proper noun and therefore shouldn’t be capitalized. (You may note that, in the game, monster names are structured like proper nouns – “Froggit hops into view” rather than “A Froggit hops into view”, for instance.)

The leaves lie crumpled on the ground

This should be in past tense.

the group that knew anything about the flower’s existence

It feels like this should be “only group”.

I’m not entirely sold on this idea – why would he let himself die, especially now that he actually has something to live for?

Torn Notebook

‘Of all the times for this to happen…’ You thought

Using quotes for thoughts, even single quotes, is confusing, because it makes it look like characters are talking out loud.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

About fifteen minutes down the dimly lit sidewalk, a cold drop of rain struck the corner of your eye.

Why is You bothered by this? Shouldn’t this extinguish the fire before it does too much damage? If the apartment is already ablaze by this point, you should mention that.

You had important school papers in that apartment.

Why didn’t You take them? Do they not have a backpack?

Loop de Loop

They had been feeling more down the usual

Typo.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

I don’t either kid

This is a direct address, so there should be a comma before “kid”.

Hypothermia

It didn’t really feel like they were prisoners here at all.

Shouldn’t this be “a prisoner”?

They dodged around the tall skeleton and ran up the stairs, giggling as chased after them.

Dropped a word.

This is sweet. You write Papyrus well.

Ambassador

Inspired by the comic by soulless-pacifist.tumblr.com

Could you link to the comic specifically?

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

passengers seat

This should be “passenger’s seat” or “passenger seat”.

There is uneven spacing between your paragraphs, which is extremely distracting. It’s a good idea to look over your story before posting it to check for these kinds of formatting errors.

the tall skeleton the fish and the lizard

You need commas between these items.

van.”You four ready?”

Missing space.

Don’t worry mom

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

You’re making a lot of errors in general. I’d recommend getting a beta reader.

What the hell Frisk really?! An ally!? Holycrapholycrapholycrap they are definitely after us!

That seems OOC. Chara displays little emotion in canon, even before being revived.

Why does Chara’s physical speech use Zalgo text? Shouldn’t they just be using Frisk’s voice? They’re not actually an eldritch abomination.

Frisk decided they didn’t want to see what ‘or else’ meant, so they stayed quiet.

Why? They’re immortal. If things have gone south, the smart move is to reset.

,a href=http://archiveofourown.org/works/5183408>Midnight Whispers

They let out a sigh pointed to their throat, making Papyrus laugh softly.

You seem to have dropped a word here.

There are occasionally extra-large breaks between paragraphs, seemingly arbitrarily, which is disorienting.

I don’t blame you Frisk.

This is a direct address, so it needs a comma before “Frisk”.

This is sweet, but it’s a bit tedious in the context of all the other fic that obsesses over the skelebros and keeps the goats out of the loop.

Megalovania

All lowercase Sans does not work nearly as well in prose as it does in game.

while….

Ellipses are always three dots, never two or four.

Right Idea, Wrong Location

All lowercase Sans does not work nearly as well in prose as it does in game.

One day, one of Papyrus’ human friends asks

This should be in past tense.

She didn’t have enough time or breath to scream as it tore out her throat

That shouldn’t be enough to kill her. She canonically has enough determination to last a little while longer, even under normal circumstances.

This doesn’t seem to have much to do with Undertale.

[Deleted]

I come this way everyday

You want “every day”. “Everyday” is an adjective.

I’m just a lonesome boy that doesn’t do much.

Boy? Isn’t he supposed to be as old as Toriel in this?

a Froggit

In this context, this isn’t a proper noun and therefore shouldn’t be capitalized. (You may note that, in the game, monster names are structured like proper nouns – “Froggit hops into view” rather than “A Froggit hops into view”, for instance.)

I’m not entirely sure what the point of that was. Asriel talks slightly differently than Toriel, but otherwise it’s exactly the same as what happens in canon, beat by beat – only less interesting, because there’s no Flowey. This AU is an interesting concept but you don’t explain it or do anything with it. How did Asriel survive if Chara still died? Why and how did Toriel die (but Asgore’s still alive)? Why does Asgore still have the same plan he made out of grief over Asriel? Why wasn’t his own son able to talk him out of it? How is Asgore still around in the first place if Toriel died and Asriel’s grown to maturity? The interesting thing about AUs is the domino effect of what one change does to everything else, but nothing changes in this one even though, logically, everything should be different.

Broken Pattern

This is part of a series; I’d recommend you read the earlier entries first. I reviewed the others but my reviews were pretty generic so I didn’t include them.

It’s not too sweet and it’s not not-sweet enough so they’re right and everyone else is wrong. So there.

This is really cute.

There’s one thing they could do that would bring them back. One thing. But– what would happen if they tried? Would that put everything back? Would everyone remember what happened? What if someone didn’t? Would they stay together? Would it put Asriel back in the flower? If it didn’t, would Flowey still be there or not? Would that make… extras? No, there’s just too much they don’t know. If even a single one of them is in the state they were back when Frisk fell, everything gets wasted.

Hm.

I don’t think I totally agree with this. Part of it is that canon undermines the ambiguity — we know objectively that yes, it could and would work out, even if it’s a true reset (which it probably wouldn’t be). But it also feels like it’s placing Asriel and Chara above the lives of all the other monsters. It’s true that they got something impressive out of this and had a lot of character development, but it’s not right to turn other people into disposable props for your self-actualization. If they really want to atone for what they did, the truly selfless thing to do would be to risk a reset — it’s possible (likely, even) to obtain the same personal growth that way, but it’s impossible to bring people back if they continue on this timeline. The only way that could really backfire is if Frisk doesn’t retain memory, but Flowey’s account of them in the ruins seems to imply they do.

It makes thematic sense that the solution isn’t that easy — time travel is a really story-breaking power — but when there is a way to magically undo everything and the character doesn’t take it, the morality of the choice looks pretty weird, even if the whole point is to make it an analogy for real life morality where that’s not possible. Maybe I’m not articulating this well; this Fate/Stay Night review talks about it in more detail.

The Way Out [Holding Pattern]

With the King

Should this be capitalized?

it’s like I was only worry about one thing at a time

This should be “worrying” or “worried”, I think.

a cold day in hell

When referring to the singular place, “Hell” is capitalized.

Yay, I finally finished! This was really, really good, possibly even better-written than One By One. I loved how much detail you put into everything and how much nuance there was to everyone’s reactions and the morality involved. And again, I really like how you wrote not just Sans but everyone. The Undertale characters lend themselves too easily to Flanderization, I think, and it’s easy to forget what made them so appealing in the first place as fandom makes them drift farther and farther from the source. But this story reminded me exactly what I loved about all of them and their roles in the story — which is thematically fitting, I guess! I also really liked how you made them all foils to Frisk in different ways — He sees something in them, something familiar. Not the same thing, not at all. But they’re alike in ways no one should be. sums it up, basically, but it applies to more than just Asgore.

Toriel’s absence in the final photo cuts like a knife, though. :(

Still, to be honest, this resolution felt too… easy. The early bits felt like this was really committing to the idea that this was really dark with unfixable consequences and no easy solutions… but then magic technobabble solves everything. There’s hints that Frisk is brain-damaged and they’ll never be fully fixed, but nothing comes of that. There’s hints that Sans’ determination doping will have consequences, which would make his magic solution come at a price… but nothing comes of that. In the end, the whole dark irreparable consequences thing only ends up applying to Toriel. It’s also pretty weird, thematically, for a story about dead people staying dead to involve saving the two deadest people of all. The ending is bittersweet, but everything is still wrapped up in a pretty bow.

Flowey Is Not a Good Life Coach, revisited for the incredibly stupid finale

He should reset now, before he waited too long and died for real.

What? That’s not how Flowey’s powers work at all.

This also means the canon plotline is All Aboard The Bad End Train if it happens in the future, which I think makes this bittersweet ending a bit more bitter than you intended… Now either Frisk is doomed or the monsters can never escape.

Something Good Can Work

“I don’t know if I can keep up with you…”

“Not to worry! You can walk, and I’ll jog very slowly!”

This is very Papyrus!

In retrospect, this looks disturbingly indicative of something I’ve heard is one of Feral’s quirks: Everyone has to get along in one big group, you can’t just deal with things on your own without everyone breathing down your neck.

and life goes on

This is all very sweet, but it does seem a little out-of-character for Frisk to be so vindictive towards flowers just because of Flowey trauma. Venting their issues through collateral damage seems strange for an all-loving hero.

Also, I loved Temmie.

Your ellipses vary a lot in length, though – they should only ever be three periods.

A Shyren

And isn’t Shyren a singular entity? You only fight her once, I believe…

Reset

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph.

“Tick, tock, Frisk. If you reset this run, IT’S ALL OVER.” he said.

You use “they” pronouns for Chara elsewhere, so this seems off.

should’t

Typo.

I’m not really clear what’s going on here. If the player is responsible for the resets, why is Chara talking like Frisk is resetting? How does that make any sense when Frisk does canonically have power over the resets? Chara also seems a bit too enthusiastic given their emotionlessness at the end of omnicide, and I don’t know why Frisk is acting like this is a war between them if it’s the player’s fault. In the game, it seems like Chara doesn’t have much presence or power except in omnicide.

And then I gave up, thoroughly disillusioned of fandom’s ability to do justice to the canon or even to express understanding of basic character traits. But I think what really broke me was the knowledge it was so easy to erase me; if people just keep quietly deleting my comments, then no one else will see them and I’m just wasting my time. But FFN only permits a single public comment on the work, so further conversations are also wastes of time. Pick your poison, I suppose.

10 Comments

  1. Roarke says:
    And then I gave up, thoroughly disillusioned of fandom’s ability to do justice to the canon or even to express understanding of basic character traits. But I think what really broke me was the knowledge it was so easy to erase me; if people just keep quietly deleting my comments, then no one else will see them and I’m just wasting my time.
    You’re like Sans here. “You can’t understand how this feels… knowing that, sooner or later, without any warning… this review will get deleted. To be blunt, it kind of makes it hard to give it my all…”
    1. Farla says:
      I think Undertale having some random encounter monsters have explicit names and all monsters having their type be treated as their name was the biggest problem there, and the fact there’s not a separate counter for each type makes it worse. I I accidentally genocided the waterfall area seeing if I could just kill off Aarons.

      If it was A WILD FROGGIT MARY APPEARED, then you’d still have the sense that each death was that of an individual without needing a huge number of unique sprites, and Flowey could give a better callout speech if he wasn’t saying “Vegetoid, Vegetoid, and Vegetoid…”

      1. Roarke says:
        Mmn, yeah. Even if every monster type only showed up once I think it would have been fine. The only run where killing everything matters is Genocide, and it’s honestly just padding for the other runs. I know Genocide was trying to make a statement about how you’re specifically doing this slog just to Kill ‘Em All, but I feel that’s a weaker message than killing a handful of clearly unique individuals for the same reason.
  2. Farla says:
    It’s like they poured all their functionality into their filtering and categorizing systems

    I don’t know why you’re implying those are functional either.

    1. Mini-Farla says:
      You can exclusively filter for gen fic, therefore it is leagues better than anything else out there. It’s certainly a heck of a lot more functional than FFN’s, even though lack of regulation makes it unwieldy.
      1. Farla says:
        People can select multiple choices, so sorting gen can still get you other stuff, or a story can be mostly plot but with background couple mentions and not listed.

        Meanwhile FFN keeps crossovers in their ghetto like it should be.

  3. actonthat says:
    But FFN only permits a single public comment on the work, so further conversations are also wastes of time.

    Honestly, I think the FFN system is the smart way to go — reviews can’t be deleted (good), comment sections don’t turn into drama/flamewars (good), and it has a PM system, too, so no one feels awkward by having a public back-and-forth (good).

    1. Mini-Farla says:
      But it does lead to the problem where Farla keeps having to repeat the same conversation over and over and can’t officially cross-reference anything. I think while PMing should be baseline functionality, public discussion options are good to have too. (FFN users will abuse reviews to do that anyway.)
      1. Farla says:
        The PM conversations have to be had out of the public eye because people behave differently public/private, so doing both means there’s a chance you hit a way to talk to the other person on one of them. I mean, I could always disable PMs and direct people to the forum if I wanted to.
        1. actonthat says:
          I also think the good thing about the PM setup is that it allows people who act out in anger to come back when they’re calmer and apologize without having to feel publicly humiliated. Especially when you’re generally dealing with tweens, giving them some room to fuck up is important, IMO.

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