Baltimore: The Infernal Train

When last we left off in Baltimore…

A fridged woman managed to some extra plot devicing in with a curse, which we will shortly see is even more of a failure on her part than just dying would’ve been.

The story actually improves for this one, although it’s still not that great.
Previous issues have just been flailing around for something to throw the main character at, while here we pick back up on the plotline – the Inquisitor, introduced at the end of the first comic arc and developed in the second, is now Baltimore’s motivation to show up at this location, and there’s also a return of the mysterious crematoriums that don’t release any ash. Those will turn out to be our actual plot, with Inquisitor vs Baltimore being a decoy plot.

Like I said, though, not that great. A point is made that Budapest is wiping out the dead and quarantining the area as best they can, only for the actual story to show them with even less of a life expectancy than usual. In another story, one that had made sure to keep the power level of the enemies consistent as opposed to whatever the author felt like at the instant, you could get some good horror out of the plague dead now resurrecting so quickly that even burning the dead daily turns out to not be fast enough. As it is, even the writer knows the only horror to be milked here is by making it clear to the reader that’s just happened, then taking a couple panels before the humans realize it, which only leaves me wondering why the dead never resurrected this fast before and why the people there, knowing the dead resurrect, haven’t taken to beheading the bodies immediately. The resurrection will soon speed up to the point it happens seconds after death.

Though they were obligated to have a guy there for murdering as the grieving husband, they made sure to make keep the gruesomeness centered on women.

The resulting swarm of risen dead head over to the furnaces and climb in. The intervening stories have been all about the vampires as having personalities of their own, but now they’re back to being rotting robots for whatever reason.

The woman here is the second best female character, as by comic book standards, she possesses agency. It’s just in service of men and her motives as a result make no sense. See, she’s collecting vampire souls to power up the high priest original vampires to wake the evil other-dimensional god behind the vampires and monsters, which is a good idea because whoops used up their energy drawing creepy pictures of the red god universe sorry no further questions. Also, she gets a nasty comeuppance.

I mean, I can see why he wouldn’t care much about her death, but he threatens her to make her talk, then when she does, he gloats about how now he’ll leave her to a far more horrible death.

Baltimore and the Inquisitor tear through zombies, and tear though zombies, and tear through zombies, as men do, until finally they fight. Both get hit in the chest, and Baltimore confirms he’s unkillable by calmly poking the bullet wound and then moving on, while the other guy goes down. Later, some priests come to retrieve the evil dude’s body. Suddenly the curse triggers, and we get possibly the first scene to focus on the gory death of men.

That’s right, she is so shit at curses her death curse actually brings this asshole back to life so he can keep killing innocent people.

And on that note we are now done with Baltimore! I mean, there’s more out by now but fuck if I’m going to bother finding out what it is.


  1. GeniusLemur says:
    “there’s more out by now but” I think given what we’ve seen so far, we could get the same effect by rereading the issues we’ve already been over.
    1. Farla says:
      But now there’s a werewolf which is totally different!

      I like the stopping point particularly because it’s a complete arc for the poor female character we meet at the start. She tries to escape, accomplishes nothing, suffers, suffers more, tries to get revenge, accomplishes less than nothing. Comics!

  2. SpoonyViking says:
    So what’s next on the comics front, Farla? “Empowered”? :-D
    1. Farla says:
      But see, I like Empowered. What could I say about it?
      1. SpoonyViking says:
        I have faith in your abilities. :-D Besides, it IS a borderline softcore porn comic, I’m sure you could find something to say about that, if you wanted. :-)
  3. Socordya says:
    I really like the design of the werewolf thing, though. It’s just humanoid enough that it looks creepy without looking like a man in a fur suit, as many depictions of werewolves do.
    1. Farla says:
      The art has been perhaps the strongest point. The werewolf really nails the intersection of recognizable and just somehow wrong.
      1. Seed of Bismuth says:
        That’s Mike Mignola monster design/artwork for you
  4. Seed of Bismuth says:
    if you want the know the rest of the story.

    Baltimore:The Bone Chapel: has no problems portraying women because there aren’t any women in it. the plot is Baltimore calls his friends to a London Inn to witness what he thinks is his death after finally killing the vampire. Except the Vampire that killed his family has no will to live in a world after Baltimore killed all his kin so doesn’t really fight, dies. And now Baltimore must learn to live knowing he is still cursed with immortally and that revenge doesn’t bring closer. Just kidding he just shrugs and rides off in the Sunset thinking that killing this Mysterious Scarlet King will end his manpain/immortality.


  5. Seed of Bismuth says:
    Baltimore – The Witch of Harju:

    Hahhaha this one was great, your should read this Farla. It will completely change your opinion about comicbooks. (for the worse)

  6. Seed of Bismuth says:
    Baltimore – The Wolf and the Apostle:

    Inquisitor Werewolf is back and the story tells us he’s super evil now because he’s killing Priests the way he use to kill innocent women. The last surviving Inquisitor reluctantly calls Baltimore they team up and he dies the end.

  7. Seed of Bismuth says:
    Baltimore – The Cult of the Red King:

    A Coven of Witches in St. Peterburg Russian are slowly controlling the Town by enscolling men literally by sex. One of Baltimore’s friends falls “victim” to her beguiling ways. And Baltimore actively kills the possessed innocent men except his now murderess friend until they can burn the witches alive. Then his friend (and whats left of the other men) come to there senses but the last witch in spite puts a dagger in Baltimore’s friends heart. So hey at least it a dead male childhood friend for the manpain this time.

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