Baltimore: The Widow, The Tank, The Inquisitor

So another thing you have to be wary of with comics is that if they sell, they keep getting written, even if those involved have used up their good ideas. This segment will showcase this along with the fact comics hate women.

The next issue of Baltimore is actually two particularly short stories.

In The Widow, Baltimore visits a woman whose husband supposedly came home from the war. Husband is a vampire that’s been feeding on her, she turns into a vampire at the end and Baltimore talks her into opening the curtains and dying an agonizing death.


In The Tank, there are no women at all and he investigates a vampire that lives in a tank thinking it’s been preying on people, but actually he’s been trapped in the tank while totally different monsters pop out each night to murder anything nearby. The comic continues to be really unclear on the subject of to what degree vampires still have their original personalities.

Then the next issue is The Inquisitor. That’s right, the torture guy. And he’s found a new victim.

I think we can all see where this is going.

Yup. Comics! And since she’s one of the magic fairy people, she then comes back to life just long enough to put a Romanian Roma curse on him. We will see the curse next time and you will be amazed. The important part, though, is her fridging makes the inquisitor guy sad, presumably because damn, she had some great tits, and so he lets the writer guy go. So don’t worry, ladies – you will fail and die, but it’ll be really helpful to some other guy you don’t even know. Writer guy skips off having not suffered more than a backhand in the entire affair, having been able to lecture and yell at the inquisitor the whole time because the rules are different for him. We end with Writer Guy informing Baltimore that he’s told Priest Torturemurder that Baltimore will be in a particular place, and asking him to actually go there because Priest Torturemurder desperately needs to be put down by someone. I mean, did you see those tits? Criminal waste right there.

8 Comments

  1. SpoonyViking says:
    “So another thing you have to be wary of with comics is that if they
    sell, they keep getting written, even if those involved have used up
    their good ideas.”

    Indeed.

    “This segment will showcase this along with the fact
    comics hate women.”

    Farla, would you be game to trying to find a comic with good treatment of female characters? I can think of a few I could suggest (sadly, only a few – some actually aren’t sexist, but neither do they have important female characters).

    1. Farla says:
      I was just thinking of that – there’s an example by Ennis that is not, you know, dismemberment rape zombies, for one. So sure, suggest away!
      1. SpoonyViking says:
        You’re not saying Garth Ennis has actually written something good? I fear reality as I know it will implode from the sheer impossibility of it!

        (Seriously, though, I’m actually curious about your Ennis example, but I have to say, he’s one of the authors I dislike the most. :-))

        I’ll start off with two webcomics: “Strong Female Protagonist” and “Spinnerette”. SFP’s premise is that Mega Girl (the setting’s closest analogue to Superman) dropped her heroic identity because she feels super-heroes just aren’t good enough anymore and is trying to find a way to actually change the world for good, instead of just saving it. “Spinnerette” is basically a parody of and love letter to Spider-Man, and super-hero tropes in general as well.

        As for printed comics, what exactly should I suggest? Only comics currently being published? Only limited series?

        Well, for an ongoing series that isn’t too long (only 8 volumes have been released so far, not counting a few specials), there’s “Empowered”, which alternates between comedy and drama at the drop of a hat and is so NSFW it’s just short of being porn. The protagonist started out as a series of bondage-themed sketches, but then the artist gave her a backstory and a personality, and thus was the series born. It starts out as a series of mostly unrelated stories, but there have been some ongoing plots which are becoming more and more important.

        1. Farla says:
          A rule of thumb is Ennis produces great to middling war stories, for whatever reason.

          I haven’t read Strong Female Protagonist, but did read a bit of Spinnerette and didn’t find it too interesting. I’m an occasional comics reader, not particularly a fan, so loving parodies are just eh to me.

          Empowered, on the other hand, I love, and I’ve been following for a while. I’ve been working on a comics recs post that includes it.

          1. SpoonyViking says:
            “I’m an occasional comics reader, not particularly a fan, so loving parodies are just eh to me.”

            Ah, I see.

            Hm, if you only read comics occasionally, I’m guessing that would limit what I could suggest? For instance, I was thinking of suggesting “Spider-Girl”, a series about May Parker, Spider-Man’s daughter; only, the original series ran for 100 issues, then it had a 30-issue follow-up series (“Amazing Spider-Girl”), and finally it ran for something like 15-16 issues in a new series (“Spectacular Spider-Girl”) before finally ending. Would you be interested in reading it?

            1. Farla says:
              Sure. I know Spider-Man decently well because Spider-Man writers vs Spider-Man fans is my favorite soap opera, and I don’t have trouble tracking character appearances across a couple different runs.
              Reply
              1. SpoonyViking says:
                “[…]Spider-Man writers vs Spider-Man fans is my favorite soap opera”

                …I don’t think I like you anymore. :-P

                Well, in that case, consider “Spider-Girl” suggested. :-D Actually, the whole MC2 continuity is an awesome read (if you’re a fan of super-hero comics, that is), but, at least for now, I’m going to suggest only the various Spider-Girl series and “A-Next”, “Avengers Next” and “American Dream”, a limited-issue series and two mini-series about the Avengers of this alternate continuity.

                Should I stop at those for now, or would you like me to keep going?

          2. Ember says:
            I just archive binged SFP and it’s great! Such great characters! So much Ethics! I’m definitely picking it up as one of my regular webcomics.

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