Fun fact: started off today on page 612. It feels like so long ago I was amazed we’d reached 612 fanfics total.
The Fountain of Cute (PI (DD, Nepeta, Aradia))
Here she was, running around the park with Droog’s often-serious daughter, Aradia
And this is ultimately the problem with the setup, it requires ignoring Aradia’s actual character to make her into miniDroog, then be amazed when she occasionally acts differently.
He provided Aradia with a good, stable home life, and she never wanted for anything. Despite his wealth he was wise enough to avoid spoiling her, he made sure she did all her homework and even paid for the most expensive tutors to make sure she was always ahead of her classmates. Aradia was smart, well-mannered and cultured. The only criticism Inspector had was that Droog never let her have fun.
That’s not Aradia. That’s what Equius was planning to do to Aradia. That’s the prettier version of what happened to the grub Doc Scratch got his hands on. Even barely there robot Aradia told Droog to shut up after he bossed her around, and he was telling her to do one thing she already wanted to do instead of controlling her life so she’d be a pretty perfect little doll for him. If you want a cultured kid for Droog to hang clothes off, inflict him on Kanaya or something – aside from the obvious fact any of them being the parents isn’t actual canon, even going off exile connections we know the exiles communicate with more than one kid.
Every time I see the daddyDroog thing it just gets worse and worse.
Spying (Aradia (Nepeta, DD, PI))
See? Every time.
Time Does Not Heal All Wounds (Dave (Terezi, John))
Jade his just entered the game, while he could talk to her, it’s just Dave didn’t really wanna open up to Jade because he didn’t think she’d understand how he’s feeling.
First, proofread better.
Second, why does he think Jade, whose guardian died, who knows the most about the game, and who just had her dreamself die, wouldn’t understand his feelings about his guardian dying, other versions of himself dying, and his misgivings about the game? And assuming he’s so oblivious he manages to actually ignore her entire life and insist that she can’t possibly understand his own special snowflake feelings, why on earth would he think John would understand better?
‘john’ he thought to himself. ‘i would totally feel a lot better after seeing him, he may be uncool and dorky but he’s always been such a bro to me, i actually kinda miss him. i wonder why we lost contact with each other, i hope that vriska chick isnt playing him like some of the other troll dbags were’.
Okay, don’t write thoughts like this.
First, in grammar terms, you shouldn’t be using ‘ or “, let alone both at different points in your story. (Also, such things should never never never go before a final period.) Second, thoughts follow similar punctuation rules to dialogue, that means you need a comma between the first john and he. Third, this doesn’t sound at all like how Dave sounds but more like a vague summary of what Dave’s character is. Finally, they’re all close friends and know it, so Dave really wouldn’t be fumbling around about how he kind of misses his friend.
Also, Dave’s thoughts look ridiculous in his color and quirk. Write them normally and reserve that for the pesterlogs.
GC: LOOKS LIK3 VRIKS4 WANT3D JOHN TO GO GOD TI3R
TG: oh you mean like you were going to show me i totally dont want to do it now just fyi
TG: I dont see any magic pajamas and he doesnt look alive to me
GC: Y3P MYST3RY SOLV3D
GC: DONT WORRY VRISK4 WILL P4Y FOR 4LL H3R CRIM3S BUT WH4T 4RE YOU GOING TO DO
And this makes no sense.
John does go god tier. If John isn’t, then Terezi should have bigger concerns, because wow, their session sure is completely fucked up if this doesn’t work, and also because she knows that’s how the real timeline goes and if somehow they’re acting outside the boundaries of inevitable fate that’s kind of a huge deal for everyone. And the endless Vriska stuff is getting into bashing by this point to have Dave constantly complaining about her and now currently going on about how he’s sure evil Vriska must be involved to the person who actually got John for-real killed for shits and giggles, creating a doomed timeline where Jade also died in the process, and resulting in another version of Dave having to go back in time and fuse with his sprite while leaving Rose behind to also mostly die, and then afterward Terezi set up an alt Dave death just to prove a point to him. In contrast all Vriska’s done is temporarily inconvenience John – the same John there on the slab is just going to wake back up with superpowers.
And this is why I hate the ship. You’re always tripping over stuff like this. It can’t be that he wants to talk to John, we have to explain how much he doesn’t want to talk to Jade first because she can’t understand his pain and how Vriska sucks so much and is terrible for John and Terezi should just kill her, and Terezi herself is only allowed because she’s cheerleading for the ship.
That was lovely.
Together (Dirk (rest of human kid cast because screw trolls I guess))
This is perhaps the most vague and dull epic battle I’ve ever read.
“Jake, help me slow this shit down until Crocker can get here,” Dave says sitting down in front of John before Jake joins him and they repeat what they did to slow Lord English down so I could kill him. Minutes tick by slowly, Dave and Jake starting to look worn out, when Jade warps her and Jane back into the room. “Crocker! A LITTLE HELP.” Dave can’t keep his voice steady as he usually does, he actually looks close to a break down. Karkat’s already crying pretty freely.
“Oh my god!” Jane shouts before she runs toward us and Jake switches who he helps, power-wise. More time ticks by but with the stalled time Dave made, and Jake accenting Jane’s powers, they manage to save John’s life.
A bad thing is happening. They do a thing to make it better, then they do that thing harder, then it’s fixed. If you want drama, you have to actually describe what things look and feel like and go slow enough there’s actually some sense anything bad could happen. Half of this reads like it’s a summary. And what isn’t has the focus all weird because you’ve got stuff like Dirk being upset that Jake’s not dead because Jane healed him because apparently shipping is more important than a fight with an all powerful unkillable demon.
If you’re writing a story that’s a giant battle scene, plot the battle out carefully.
Trust (Droog (Boxcars))
As well, they’re in a nice private apartment and most importantly, there’s a bedside table with a pistol Droog can grab in a heartbeat.
The pistol is not overkill, despite past objections raised by Boxcars. It’s not paranoia if your enemies really do want to see you dead.
This is great. All the little details of it, and especially his finely tuned clothing senses.
I’m really impressed by how you worked kink and characterization together here, it’s even better than usual. And it’s also nice to see a couple where they’re not exactly perfect for each other but they still work really well.
Living on Dreams (Itchy (Doze))
Got this already.
PI (DD, Nepeta, Aradia)
Aradia (Nepeta, DD, PI)
Dave (Terezi, John)
Dirk (rest of human kid cast because screw trolls I guess)
One of five.