It begins.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7709584/4/Raindrops
(Die (Someone female))
This doesn’t seem too connected to
canon. You don’t develop Die’s character enough to show why this is a
reasonable interpretation of him, and it’s also impossible to tell if
it’s all in Die’s head – he says everyone hates him, but he’s
interpreting someone caring about him as them hating him, so is she
the exception or does everyone like him and he’s just insane?
canon. You don’t develop Die’s character enough to show why this is a
reasonable interpretation of him, and it’s also impossible to tell if
it’s all in Die’s head – he says everyone hates him, but he’s
interpreting someone caring about him as them hating him, so is she
the exception or does everyone like him and he’s just insane?
And I can’t even tell if you mean
Snowman or the Handmaid or for all I know a genderswapped someone
else or OC – I assume Snowman since that’s most common, but that
doesn’t match up with his thoughts of tearing up soft flesh, and
since the characterization here is just Being Caring Toward Die
there’s nothing there to identify who they are.
Snowman or the Handmaid or for all I know a genderswapped someone
else or OC – I assume Snowman since that’s most common, but that
doesn’t match up with his thoughts of tearing up soft flesh, and
since the characterization here is just Being Caring Toward Die
there’s nothing there to identify who they are.
This is the fourth chapter of
something I did last time. And it appears to be the point at which
they ran out of ideas completely.
something I did last time. And it appears to be the point at which
they ran out of ideas completely.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8767082/1/One-Last-Dance
(Slick (Doze, Calliope, HB))
(Slick (Doze, Calliope, HB))
Ah, so that’s the
daughter. Okay, that’s pretty hilarious. I love how you’ve described
her as giant and fangy and imposing without going into CALLIOPE IS
THE MOST HIDEOUS CREATURE TO EVER EXIST WOOOEEE stuff. And how she
starts off super sweet but has more to her than that. Also, good job
in setting up Slick to get forced into all this.
daughter. Okay, that’s pretty hilarious. I love how you’ve described
her as giant and fangy and imposing without going into CALLIOPE IS
THE MOST HIDEOUS CREATURE TO EVER EXIST WOOOEEE stuff. And how she
starts off super sweet but has more to her than that. Also, good job
in setting up Slick to get forced into all this.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8772004/1/Droog-s-Nightmare
(Droog, Slick)
(Droog, Slick)
[The
sound of an angry piano seemed to echo throughout the dorms of the
hideout, disturbing the peaceful bliss with its wretched bashings on
each key. ]
sound of an angry piano seemed to echo throughout the dorms of the
hideout, disturbing the peaceful bliss with its wretched bashings on
each key. ]
This is just not good writing. You’ve
got extra words in here that are actually dragging down the rest.
got extra words in here that are actually dragging down the rest.
First off, is it echoing or not? This
is sound, it should be pretty clear. “Seems” means that
it’s not echoing but somehow still sounds like it is by some other
mechanism.
is sound, it should be pretty clear. “Seems” means that
it’s not echoing but somehow still sounds like it is by some other
mechanism.
Second, the hideout does not have
dorms. Just saying the hideout would’ve been fine.
dorms. Just saying the hideout would’ve been fine.
[with its wretched bashings on each
key.] is just unnecessary – you’ve already said the angry piano sound
is the problem, and angry piano = bashing the keys – as well a weird
shift where you’re apparently claiming the sound of the angry piano
is then bashing the keys.
key.] is just unnecessary – you’ve already said the angry piano sound
is the problem, and angry piano = bashing the keys – as well a weird
shift where you’re apparently claiming the sound of the angry piano
is then bashing the keys.
So [ The sound of an angry piano echoed
throughout the hideout, disturbing the peaceful bliss.] is really all
you needed.
throughout the hideout, disturbing the peaceful bliss.] is really all
you needed.
[It was actually a little bit more
peaceful than figured, but that was soon going to change. ]
peaceful than figured, but that was soon going to change. ]
As to your next line, I’m not sure if
you’re just missing words or if “figured” is supposed to be
something else, maybe “furious”.
you’re just missing words or if “figured” is supposed to be
something else, maybe “furious”.
While I can broadly make out what
you’re trying to say in this story, it’s pretty difficult. You
desperately need a beta reader to go through this with you and clean
it up.
you’re trying to say in this story, it’s pretty difficult. You
desperately need a beta reader to go through this with you and clean
it up.
[“Droogy?” A familiar raspy
voice asked ]
voice asked ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing
how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.”
She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,”
She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something
isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your
mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second
category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences
it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,”
she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this
is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s
“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same
punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you
don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing
how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.”
She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,”
She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something
isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your
mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second
category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences
it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,”
she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this
is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s
“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same
punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you
don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
Also, Slick calling him “Droogy”
is a pretty hard sell, and having it be the first thing he says is
way too much. Maybe using it afterward when he’s repeated Droog’s
name a couple times already, at the most.
is a pretty hard sell, and having it be the first thing he says is
way too much. Maybe using it afterward when he’s repeated Droog’s
name a couple times already, at the most.
[The only thing he could see clear was
Slick slowly disappearing in the shadow-like light ]
Slick slowly disappearing in the shadow-like light ]
And really, “shadow-like light”
should be obviously wrong.
should be obviously wrong.
Plotwise, what I can make out of this
is good enough – Slick’s upset and pounding the piano, Droog goes to
see if he can get him to stop, shadow magic is there being creepy,
Droog maybe affected by it and sick. Makes sense and everyone seems
IC. But it’s an absolute chore to get there.
is good enough – Slick’s upset and pounding the piano, Droog goes to
see if he can get him to stop, shadow magic is there being creepy,
Droog maybe affected by it and sick. Makes sense and everyone seems
IC. But it’s an absolute chore to get there.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8807491/1/Cantown
(Terezi, Dave, WV)
(Terezi, Dave, WV)
[It smelled delicious, and it was
obvious no one had opened it before the teal blood had gotten her
prying hands on it. ]
obvious no one had opened it before the teal blood had gotten her
prying hands on it. ]
“Prying” doesn’t really make
any sense in this sentence, and calling her “the teal blood”
is little better – the sentence appears to start off from her POV,
and that hardly makes sense as something she’d think, it’s not even
relevant to the sentence at large. Just use “she” or
“Terezi” unless there’s a reason an epithet fits better.
any sense in this sentence, and calling her “the teal blood”
is little better – the sentence appears to start off from her POV,
and that hardly makes sense as something she’d think, it’s not even
relevant to the sentence at large. Just use “she” or
“Terezi” unless there’s a reason an epithet fits better.
[It was so rare to find fresh chalk,
that didn’t have pieces missing and already pawed at or scribbled
with, unless someone alchemized it, and even then, no one really
bothered to waste time on that. ]
that didn’t have pieces missing and already pawed at or scribbled
with, unless someone alchemized it, and even then, no one really
bothered to waste time on that. ]
While I appreciate that you’re
remembering that alchemy is a thing they have easy access to, the
fact is, if she’s this excited about it, then she’d just alchemize it
herself, it really shouldn’t matter if other people are willing to
waste their time on it.
remembering that alchemy is a thing they have easy access to, the
fact is, if she’s this excited about it, then she’d just alchemize it
herself, it really shouldn’t matter if other people are willing to
waste their time on it.
If you can explain some reason it’s
super tedious to alchemize stuff in general/the chalk in particular,
you could say Terezi’s excited because she personally hates wasting
her time trying to make the stuff so she’s glad to have fresh chalk
without bothering. (Maybe the alchemy stuff has all been moved to
hard to find areas, since the walkabout made it clear the trolls
don’t value practicality) But currently we have this weird disjoint
where no one else cares to make it, therefore Terezi, who does care
about it, doesn’t have it. It’d also make Dave’s gift mean more if
there was any sense it’s actually trouble in some way to make rather
than Terezi just not bothering for some reason.
super tedious to alchemize stuff in general/the chalk in particular,
you could say Terezi’s excited because she personally hates wasting
her time trying to make the stuff so she’s glad to have fresh chalk
without bothering. (Maybe the alchemy stuff has all been moved to
hard to find areas, since the walkabout made it clear the trolls
don’t value practicality) But currently we have this weird disjoint
where no one else cares to make it, therefore Terezi, who does care
about it, doesn’t have it. It’d also make Dave’s gift mean more if
there was any sense it’s actually trouble in some way to make rather
than Terezi just not bothering for some reason.
It’s a cute idea to have Dave doing
stuff and pretending he’s not involved and all, but the setup is just
too distracting.
stuff and pretending he’s not involved and all, but the setup is just
too distracting.
(It’d also have worked fine to have
Terezi being a bit mopey for other reason and Dave pretending to have
“found” the items and just casually seeking Terezi out to
expand Can Town rather than admitting he deliberately made stuff to
perk her up with something fun to do. That’d dodge the problem of
explaining why she doesn’t just alchemize stuff entirely.)
Terezi being a bit mopey for other reason and Dave pretending to have
“found” the items and just casually seeking Terezi out to
expand Can Town rather than admitting he deliberately made stuff to
perk her up with something fun to do. That’d dodge the problem of
explaining why she doesn’t just alchemize stuff entirely.)
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing
how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.”
She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,”
She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something
isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your
mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second
category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences
it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,”
she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this
is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s
“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same
punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you
don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing
how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.”
She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,”
She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something
isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your
mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second
category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences
it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,”
she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this
is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s
“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same
punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you
don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
Also, “questioned” isn’t a
speech tag you use for any question. That’d be “asked” or
just plain “said”.
speech tag you use for any question. That’d be “asked” or
just plain “said”.
Huh. Definitely got this before, I
guess they deleted and reposted.
guess they deleted and reposted.
[Seemingly coming out of nowhere, the
meteors had quickly begun to fall, and there were already reports of
multiple catastrophes and explosions all over the place. However, I
think I know what happened.
meteors had quickly begun to fall, and there were already reports of
multiple catastrophes and explosions all over the place. However, I
think I know what happened.
A game called SBURB had been released
that midnight. I knew it sounded strange, but somehow I felt that it
wasn’t a coincidence. ]
that midnight. I knew it sounded strange, but somehow I felt that it
wasn’t a coincidence. ]
This is really not a good direction to
be going in.
be going in.
The fact we know the meteors are
connected shouldn’t have any bearing on what your character knows,
and an inability to keep your knowledge separate from your character
leads to very bad writing. The meteors have no obvious connection and
we see in canon that it takes a while for people to figure it out.
Also, if it’s really important to you that your character know,
justify it. Have them be the awakened dreamer of their group, have
them hack the files of the company distributing it, even have their
quirk being the just know stuff for no reason (balance it by saying
it’s never anything useful – ie, their knowledge of SBURB causing the
meteors can’t prevent them from stopping it, and then say they’re a
Seer of Time or something.)
connected shouldn’t have any bearing on what your character knows,
and an inability to keep your knowledge separate from your character
leads to very bad writing. The meteors have no obvious connection and
we see in canon that it takes a while for people to figure it out.
Also, if it’s really important to you that your character know,
justify it. Have them be the awakened dreamer of their group, have
them hack the files of the company distributing it, even have their
quirk being the just know stuff for no reason (balance it by saying
it’s never anything useful – ie, their knowledge of SBURB causing the
meteors can’t prevent them from stopping it, and then say they’re a
Seer of Time or something.)
[I don’t know how, but I had a feeling
like it was the best thing to do. ]
like it was the best thing to do. ]
But regardless, avoid this at all
costs. “I just knew” is the most annoying type of writing
you can have. It means you the author are just going to tell your
character how to solve their problems, regardless of if it makes any
sense. It’s the ultimate killer of suspense.
costs. “I just knew” is the most annoying type of writing
you can have. It means you the author are just going to tell your
character how to solve their problems, regardless of if it makes any
sense. It’s the ultimate killer of suspense.
Furthermore, since we and the character
appear to be on the same page about the stuff that’s happening and
will happen, this whole section is pointless and could’ve been
skipped.
appear to be on the same page about the stuff that’s happening and
will happen, this whole section is pointless and could’ve been
skipped.
[that Laptop that was suppose to me
mine. ]
mine. ]
Stop capitalizing random words and
proofread better.
proofread better.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing
how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.”
She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,”
She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something
isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your
mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second
category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences
it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,”
she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this
is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s
“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same
punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you
don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing
how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.”
She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,”
She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something
isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your
mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second
category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences
it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,”
she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this
is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s
“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same
punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you
don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
And…yup, this was a pointless
chapter. This is Homestuck fanfic, so everyone here already knows the
sequence, and it’s not like you’re actually doing anything with it
but listing it off so even a hypothetical non-Homestuck reader
wouldn’t find anything interesting here, because unlike the comic
it’s pretty much deploy, use properly, complete sequence. The closest
thing to characterization here is that infuriating just-knowing.
Hopefully you do something differently once he’s actually in the
Medium.
chapter. This is Homestuck fanfic, so everyone here already knows the
sequence, and it’s not like you’re actually doing anything with it
but listing it off so even a hypothetical non-Homestuck reader
wouldn’t find anything interesting here, because unlike the comic
it’s pretty much deploy, use properly, complete sequence. The closest
thing to characterization here is that infuriating just-knowing.
Hopefully you do something differently once he’s actually in the
Medium.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8810760/2/Yet-Another-Session
(MOC (MOC, FOC, MOC))
(MOC (MOC, FOC, MOC))
[“I think you need a weapon. There
are some weird impish looking glowing monsters around your house,
walking around. I think they’re trying to find a way in.”
are some weird impish looking glowing monsters around your house,
walking around. I think they’re trying to find a way in.”
“Oh, crap.” I said. That’s right. With a game, comes
enemies.]
Things are looking up. I like that
they’ve switched to reacting to information they actually know.
they’ve switched to reacting to information they actually know.
[“I’m going to call people first.
I think the most important thing right now is to get you in here
before a meteor kills you. I’m going to use the phone.”
I think the most important thing right now is to get you in here
before a meteor kills you. I’m going to use the phone.”
“Alright.” He said.
I walked over to the phone and picked it up, immediately dialing
Acadia’s number. The phone rang for a little while, but thankfully,
after a few attempts, she finally picked it up.
“Hello?” Acadia’s voice groggily answered the phone.
“Acadia. You need to enter. Now.”]
Arg, spoke too soon.
Look, he’s just entered to find the
Medium so inhospitable to human life he nearly froze to death in the
brief moments he was outside and seconds ago he just learned that
also a massive swarm of monsters has arrived. His first response
should not be that clearly, the Medium is safety and hugs and
everyone should rush in. At the least, he should engage one of the
monsters to see if it’s even possible to fight back against them, and
probably should explore a little and see if there’s anywhere warm
enough to support human life – he has no idea how long his heating
sprite will last or if it requires energy, and he should have no way
of knowing that other players will enter to completely different
environments.
Medium so inhospitable to human life he nearly froze to death in the
brief moments he was outside and seconds ago he just learned that
also a massive swarm of monsters has arrived. His first response
should not be that clearly, the Medium is safety and hugs and
everyone should rush in. At the least, he should engage one of the
monsters to see if it’s even possible to fight back against them, and
probably should explore a little and see if there’s anywhere warm
enough to support human life – he has no idea how long his heating
sprite will last or if it requires energy, and he should have no way
of knowing that other players will enter to completely different
environments.
[“Oh, just throw something into
it, but don’t do one of your favorite books. From what I can gather,
you’re probably going to have to fight enemies kinda like whatever’s
in there.” ]
it, but don’t do one of your favorite books. From what I can gather,
you’re probably going to have to fight enemies kinda like whatever’s
in there.” ]
If you insist on having him know all
the plot points, could you at least say specifically he’s pieced it
together from the existing walkthroughs and also that they weren’t
that accurate so his knowledge should be wrong? Even Rose initially
thought the cruxtender started the countdown and you were safe until
it was activated, advising people to leave that be. (And knowledge of
how prototyping works requires getting into the Medium and either a
very weird prototyping or two people getting in to be sure that the
imps don’t just normally have funny hats or glow, so it requires a
player to get much, much farther than most did to report.)
the plot points, could you at least say specifically he’s pieced it
together from the existing walkthroughs and also that they weren’t
that accurate so his knowledge should be wrong? Even Rose initially
thought the cruxtender started the countdown and you were safe until
it was activated, advising people to leave that be. (And knowledge of
how prototyping works requires getting into the Medium and either a
very weird prototyping or two people getting in to be sure that the
imps don’t just normally have funny hats or glow, so it requires a
player to get much, much farther than most did to report.)
And no, having him be confused about
the color stuff is isn’t going to count, because it’s pitifully minor
(and one of the few things the walkthroughs actually would reasonably
have covered.)
the color stuff is isn’t going to count, because it’s pitifully minor
(and one of the few things the walkthroughs actually would reasonably
have covered.)
[“You remember that meteor that
hit near my house?”
hit near my house?”
“Yeah, what about-”
“There’s some weird frog ruins there now!”]
Really not how it works.
[Glowy imp looking things. Just what I
was looking for! They definitely weren’t hard to spot. The stuck out
of the darkness with ease. ]
was looking for! They definitely weren’t hard to spot. The stuck out
of the darkness with ease. ]
So, the initial nearly fatal cold can
be defeated by a decent jacket, and now the imps are built to be easy
to beat. Is he going to face anything actually difficult?
be defeated by a decent jacket, and now the imps are built to be easy
to beat. Is he going to face anything actually difficult?
[I saw one coming up the stairs, so I
quickly ducked and hid. I was going to surprise it. Sure enough, it
got to the top of the stairs and I jumped out, surprising it.
Quickly, I shoved one of the knives into it and sliced it with
another, afterwards quickly drawing back. It did not look happy at
all and quickly retaliated by running toward me. I jumped out of the
way, but its punch grazed my leg. These things were short and weak
looking, but I still didn’t want to get hit by one. ]
quickly ducked and hid. I was going to surprise it. Sure enough, it
got to the top of the stairs and I jumped out, surprising it.
Quickly, I shoved one of the knives into it and sliced it with
another, afterwards quickly drawing back. It did not look happy at
all and quickly retaliated by running toward me. I jumped out of the
way, but its punch grazed my leg. These things were short and weak
looking, but I still didn’t want to get hit by one. ]
Do you realize how creepy this is? He
doesn’t even know these things are dangerous, he just knows they’ve
appeared, and then he’s stabbing them with knives. While remarking on
how weak it looks, so there’s apparently no visual cue here that it’s
an actual threat. Videogame logic is one thing when it’s just a
matter of mashing buttons on a screen, but he’s stabbing a living
thing here for no better reason then he guesses it’s the next stage
of the game.
doesn’t even know these things are dangerous, he just knows they’ve
appeared, and then he’s stabbing them with knives. While remarking on
how weak it looks, so there’s apparently no visual cue here that it’s
an actual threat. Videogame logic is one thing when it’s just a
matter of mashing buttons on a screen, but he’s stabbing a living
thing here for no better reason then he guesses it’s the next stage
of the game.
[waited for a few more to climb up the
stairs and repeated the procedure. Attack, dodge, attack, and dodge
until I killed them. I got hit once, but to be honest it only hurt a
little. I put all the weird fruit gusher things on the Alchemiter and
they disappeared as well. I decided I was comfortable with how combat
worked in this game thing ]
stairs and repeated the procedure. Attack, dodge, attack, and dodge
until I killed them. I got hit once, but to be honest it only hurt a
little. I put all the weird fruit gusher things on the Alchemiter and
they disappeared as well. I decided I was comfortable with how combat
worked in this game thing ]
Good god he’s going to murder his way
through any carapaces or consorts that show up. Unless you decide to
have him “just know” they’re plot NPCs and not for item
farming.
through any carapaces or consorts that show up. Unless you decide to
have him “just know” they’re plot NPCs and not for item
farming.
In the comic, the enemies actually
attack and show they’re dangerous. He’s ambushing them to kill for
the stuff they drop while discussing how they can’t really hurt him
anyway.
attack and show they’re dangerous. He’s ambushing them to kill for
the stuff they drop while discussing how they can’t really hurt him
anyway.
[“No, actually. Clair decided to
ditch me for some other session with her online friends.” Oh,
never mind. Was not expecting that at all. Wow, he sounded really
dejected. I wondered if he wanted to join our session.
ditch me for some other session with her online friends.” Oh,
never mind. Was not expecting that at all. Wow, he sounded really
dejected. I wondered if he wanted to join our session.
“You can join our session if you want.” I said. Man, I
hoped he said yes.
“That would be great. I already have the game downloaded and
I was about to install it when Clair texted me.”
Alright. Looked like this was going to work. Sweet! Besides, I was
pretty sure that Clair would screw over whatever session she was in
anyway.]
Okay, first, casually wondering if his
friend wants to join sounds even more sociopathic than murdering imps
because they’re there. His first response to hearing his friend isn’t
playing the game he’s decided is the only way out should be terror.
Also? He knows this game kills, which means that he when he’s pettily
thinking Clair will mess up, he’s thinking she and all her friends
will DIE.
friend wants to join sounds even more sociopathic than murdering imps
because they’re there. His first response to hearing his friend isn’t
playing the game he’s decided is the only way out should be terror.
Also? He knows this game kills, which means that he when he’s pettily
thinking Clair will mess up, he’s thinking she and all her friends
will DIE.
[Jay spoke up once more. “Hey,
wait. Someone’s calling in. Could I call you back? It’s my grandma.”
wait. Someone’s calling in. Could I call you back? It’s my grandma.”
Oh, great. This wasn’t good in the least bit. Her grandma was
never good news. Usually, when she called Jay, it was to complain
about something, demand something, or something like that. I
seriously did not envy Jay for living with her grandma. That lady was
bad news, and bad for your mental health. Kara, his cousin who also
lived with their grandma was ok though. Not the best, but at least
ok.]
Hey it’s more people who WILL DIE IF
THEY DON’T ESCAPE INTO THE GAME but they’re not his friend so who
cares I guess.
THEY DON’T ESCAPE INTO THE GAME but they’re not his friend so who
cares I guess.
You know how in the comic the kids are
largely in the game and out of contact with people by the time they
really figure out how deadly it is? That’s because figuring it out
before the whole world is destroyed and not having your first thought
be that oh god you have to tell people to save them is horrible. And
even then, Rose kept updating her guide for anyone who might be left.
largely in the game and out of contact with people by the time they
really figure out how deadly it is? That’s because figuring it out
before the whole world is destroyed and not having your first thought
be that oh god you have to tell people to save them is horrible. And
even then, Rose kept updating her guide for anyone who might be left.
(Also, Jay started off male and somehow
turned female this paragraph.)
turned female this paragraph.)
[Not to very much of a surprise, there
were a ton of people on Tumblr freaking out and talking about the
Medium. I scrolled down my dash for a while, and decided to look at
the SBURB tag.
were a ton of people on Tumblr freaking out and talking about the
Medium. I scrolled down my dash for a while, and decided to look at
the SBURB tag.
What I found was a surprise.
There were a bunch of people sobbing
about dead players, doomed sessions, and not being able to find
players. There were people posting videos of their lands, tips on how
they were fighting, and a lot more people talking about Alchemizing.
Some even had pictures of their sprites. Well, at least that’s what
they were calling them.]
about dead players, doomed sessions, and not being able to find
players. There were people posting videos of their lands, tips on how
they were fighting, and a lot more people talking about Alchemizing.
Some even had pictures of their sprites. Well, at least that’s what
they were calling them.]
So apparently everyone in your world is
totally fine about losing their family, friends and planet and the
only deaths that matter are the other players with them.
totally fine about losing their family, friends and planet and the
only deaths that matter are the other players with them.
…and their dead pets. Really, this
would be a decent scene if not for the whole world ending and how the
main character basically doesn’t care. Also, there’s already a
catsprite, probably should’ve gone with another pet.
would be a decent scene if not for the whole world ending and how the
main character basically doesn’t care. Also, there’s already a
catsprite, probably should’ve gone with another pet.
[If they enter, they will indeed be
saved from Earth’s destruction.”
saved from Earth’s destruction.”
“Wait, destruction?” I asked, “Metaphorical, or
literal? The earth’s not actually going to be destroyed, is it?”
” There isn’t anything anyone can do about it, Jacob. The
planet is done for. But I promise you that your mission is much more
important than saving Earth. Otherwise this game wouldn’t even
exist!”
“But what is my mission, then?” I asked, perplexed. What
would be more important than saving our planet from destruction?]
Okay, he’s known everyone was going to
die back on Earth due to meteors since the first chapter, so this
only makes sense if he’s being pedantic about the exact meaning of
“destruction” and doesn’t care unless the whole planet’s
actually going to explode.
die back on Earth due to meteors since the first chapter, so this
only makes sense if he’s being pedantic about the exact meaning of
“destruction” and doesn’t care unless the whole planet’s
actually going to explode.
[“Hey Jacob! I didn’t know you had
my number!”
my number!”
“Yeah,” I responded, “Jay
gave it to me. I guess in a way I’m the leader of our session? All I
know is I’m the first who entered.”]
gave it to me. I guess in a way I’m the leader of our session? All I
know is I’m the first who entered.”]
Okay, this is not only a complete non
sequitor, but also, who cares? Especially just after claiming that no
really the world ending is a big deal to him.
sequitor, but also, who cares? Especially just after claiming that no
really the world ending is a big deal to him.
And now a chapter full of him making a
stupid wand because he feels like it and talking about how much fun
he’s having fighting, then making more stuff. The pacing of this is
just shot to hell.
stupid wand because he feels like it and talking about how much fun
he’s having fighting, then making more stuff. The pacing of this is
just shot to hell.
Well, you managed to at least get far
enough for him to actually explore his land a bit. That’s more than
most of these do. Puzzle-solving isn’t too interesting when you just
summarize it, though.
enough for him to actually explore his land a bit. That’s more than
most of these do. Puzzle-solving isn’t too interesting when you just
summarize it, though.
[Wait a minute. Someone sent me a
message on steam. I opened it up and took a look.
message on steam. I opened it up and took a look.
I was hit by a moment of shock.
It was Jeremy.
“Hey, I hope nothing messed up
from me not making it into your session. You seriously wouldn’t
believe what has happened!”
from me not making it into your session. You seriously wouldn’t
believe what has happened!”
I was seriously relieved that he was
alive!]
alive!]
God DAMMIT. The one thing in this story
that had actually gone wrong and been something other than the
impmurder funfest. Him actually losing his friend would’ve meant
something, but no, bad things only happen to people who aren’t main
characters.
that had actually gone wrong and been something other than the
impmurder funfest. Him actually losing his friend would’ve meant
something, but no, bad things only happen to people who aren’t main
characters.
[The turtle statue, or formally a
statue, whirled around to face me. The look of surprise on its face
was evident. I took a quick rundown on the thing to gage its threat
level.
statue, whirled around to face me. The look of surprise on its face
was evident. I took a quick rundown on the thing to gage its threat
level.
It looked to be about three feet tall
and although it was a turtle, it stood on its hind legs. It looked
more scared than threatened though, so I relaxed slightly.]
and although it was a turtle, it stood on its hind legs. It looked
more scared than threatened though, so I relaxed slightly.]
So even though he attacked the imps on
the basis they existed and looked different, he just knows he should
hold off on that.
the basis they existed and looked different, he just knows he should
hold off on that.
[“Oh my gosh, it really is the
Seer! I can’t believe it! This is the best day of my life!” The
turtle yelled, running towards me. I hastily lifted up my wand and
gave q quick burst of energy. Not enough to kill or even really harm
it, but it still made it stop in its tracks and back away. “I’m
so sorry! I’m sorry, Seer, please don’t hurt me!” It pleaded. ]
Seer! I can’t believe it! This is the best day of my life!” The
turtle yelled, running towards me. I hastily lifted up my wand and
gave q quick burst of energy. Not enough to kill or even really harm
it, but it still made it stop in its tracks and back away. “I’m
so sorry! I’m sorry, Seer, please don’t hurt me!” It pleaded. ]
And luckily his wand just happens to
have a stun function and he just knows to use it this time instead of
attacking to kill like he has every other time, because he needs to
be insulated from any consequence of his behavior.
have a stun function and he just knows to use it this time instead of
attacking to kill like he has every other time, because he needs to
be insulated from any consequence of his behavior.
And indeed there’s not even social
repercussions because the turtle still thinks he’s the greatest! And
he’s acting like it’s some huge imposition that the turtle likes him
and how he’s so great for not kicking it away immediately.
repercussions because the turtle still thinks he’s the greatest! And
he’s acting like it’s some huge imposition that the turtle likes him
and how he’s so great for not kicking it away immediately.
Well.
The idea of a hostile planet was good,
but it didn’t go anywhere because he just solved it by putting on a
coat. Otherwise, he’s always just known what to do or had time to
screw around without consequence as with the wand, and he’s generally
treated the extinction of all life on earth as no big deal so long as
his friends are okay, which, of course, they all are. He thinks
fighting the imps is fun, his consorts already love him and will do
whatever he wants, and nothing about the planet itself seems to worry
him. There’s no sense of tension whatsoever in this because it’s
clear there will be no real challenges or consequences. I was really
hoping that at least his friend might have died, but no, everything
worked out for the people whose names we know, and who cares about
anyone else.
but it didn’t go anywhere because he just solved it by putting on a
coat. Otherwise, he’s always just known what to do or had time to
screw around without consequence as with the wand, and he’s generally
treated the extinction of all life on earth as no big deal so long as
his friends are okay, which, of course, they all are. He thinks
fighting the imps is fun, his consorts already love him and will do
whatever he wants, and nothing about the planet itself seems to worry
him. There’s no sense of tension whatsoever in this because it’s
clear there will be no real challenges or consequences. I was really
hoping that at least his friend might have died, but no, everything
worked out for the people whose names we know, and who cares about
anyone else.
And just for the record, remember
this thing? It got to seven chapters of vaguely offensive OOC
pointlessness before the author stopped and moved on to write
self-insert videogame/Hobbit sues. A huge step forward!
this thing? It got to seven chapters of vaguely offensive OOC
pointlessness before the author stopped and moved on to write
self-insert videogame/Hobbit sues. A huge step forward!
Die (Someone female)
Slick (Doze,
Calliope, HB)
Droog, Slick
Terezi, Dave, WV
MOC (MOCs,
FOCs)
One of five.
Slick (Doze,
Calliope, HB)
Droog, Slick
Terezi, Dave, WV
MOC (MOCs,
FOCs)
One of five.
Wordcount: 4079
Glad your NaReWriMo is going well. It sounds really fun, actually!
I must say, you’ve picked out a lot of important, yet sometimes easily overlooked mistakes in this, like the ‘blank stares’ from a character that is supposed to be blind. Most reviews just point out grammar mistakes and typos, but you actually point out why certain things don’t make sense, which is great! I’m not a fan of Homestuck though, I just wanted to read your reviews. :P I also see what you mean about the lack of reviews in active fandoms.
Out of curiosity, how often do you do NaReWriMo? Do you only do it when NaNoWriMo comes along, or do you have set months in which you decide to do it?
I’m actually really lazy about grammar. I don’t much like correcting it (I mean, if I’m straight up betaing and can correct as I go it’s okay, but the line by line stuff is tedious) and I’m only proficient in it, not one of the masters. It’s the story stuff I’m interested in.
NaRe is meant to be a yearly affair. If I had the time I’d review everything forever, but it really does take up a lot of energy. Also, by the end of it, or at least the pokemon ones, I’ve usually read so much bad grammar I honest to god can’t type straight. It’s like how saying a word over and over makes it lose meaning, only instead it’s that seeing stuff like their they’re there theyre thier mixed up eventually makes my brain unable to process any of them.
NaReWriMo does sound like it takes up quite a lot of your time. I can imagine you would get tired of correcting the same mistakes very often aswell, especially if it takes a long time to explain in detail.
When I find a story that has an interesting storyline, but has some grammar mistakes here and there, I still find it very good. But, when there is not-such-an-interesting storyline, but perfect grammar, it doesn’t seem to be as enjoyable. So, I think that a good plot is probably more important than grammar, as long as the grammar is at least decent enough to be read without the piece being to jarring. :)
Oh, I set up the common stuff in as an autocorrect, so I just need to type a word and the whole explanation’s there. A long time ago I used to write out stuff like the dialogue explanation by hand each time, but that way lies madness and hate.
And agreed. Grammar is really about helping the story come across the best it can, but if there’s nothing there it doesn’t matter.
I decided to set up a Word document of points I often write in reviews, so I can just go back to it and copy and paste the point into a review, if I need to. :)
I did what you suggested with the capitalisation of pokemon names in one of my fics and it does look much clearer and grammatically correct, so I’m glad you told me about that. ;)
[First off, the standard pronoun when you’re not sure of someone’s gender is “they”. ]
I just learned about this in English, and the teacher told us that we should always do ‘him/his/he’ if we couldn’t decide between female/male (if we’re going to be formal). She said that ‘they’ didn’t work grammatically.
My English teacher told me the same thing, so I printed up an article explaining the long history of “they” in English and how the idea it’s incorrect was imposed by the same geniuses who decided it should be a rule you shouldn’t split an infinitive just because they were Latin fanboys and because of the way Latin works it’s impossible to split infinitives. She was convinced.
Just google “they singular” for a more in-depth look. Then send your teacher the links.
:o I am now in love.
That OC session fic is so disappointing. It would actually be pretty interesting to do a story like that with an actual sociopath protagonist who plays like an amoral minmaxer. There could be all sorts of subtle, disturbing hints as time goes on that people could dismiss as an extreme gamer’s personality and then they have absolutely no reaction to learning everyone’s dead and you realize they’re just a monster.
Yeah, someone who starts off stabbing their way through imps should absolutely move on to stabbing their way through consorts. We know that doesn’t break the game since Eridan attempted to murder his planet and the session was otherwise fine, but in a game where the players are less overpowered (Aradia basically carried the whole thing herself with foreknowledge) having one person screwing up all the quests might push things over the edge…and that’s assuming they don’t completely snap and decide this should be a PvP game.