Six reviews, one Pokemon and five Homestuck.
Before we begin properly, an obligated review. I run a review exchange over on FFN, and this was a request.
This seems overwrought. You have a landslide blocking the cave entrance, but Meteor Falls, like the rest of the caves in the game, doesn’t have a single entrance. You have it taking a year to clear, but there are pokemon that can lift mountains. And however badly people might take the death, I find it stretches my belief to think everything would grind to a halt, all the major trainers would be in mourning, the elite four refusing to take any challenges for a year… This can’t be the first time a major trainer died, or something happened to the league champion.
And the twist at the end is somewhat unexpected, but seems incredibly dickish considering the story revolves around how everyone is completely destroyed by his death. If the story had focused on more varied reactions or shown people getting over it as well, it would probably have worked better.
There’s also a lot of minor errors – Hoen should be Hoenn, [“Ghosts don’t leave.” Pheobe murmurs, shivering in her light attire. ] and [“Class dismissed.” she says.] should be a comma rather than a period, [“Gone. Hiding from his grief”] needs a period, [“He told me all about Solrocks and Lunatones and he never got angry when I asked to many questions. I should have kept it mommy!” ] pokemon species shouldn’t be capitalized and “mommy” should, [“Do you miss him?” He asks the empty house.] shouldn’t have “he” capitalized.
In addition, I’d suggest arranging things differently. You often have a line of dialogue and a line of narration as separate paragraphs, which can get confusing to read because it’s not immediately clear if the narration belongs to the same person speaking.
And now, to Homestuck! Since I got interesting results last time I thought to check, I’m going to also be keeping track of characters like I did with FFN, and what POV the story’s in.
http://archiveofourown.org/works/139551 Dress Rehearsal Rag (Crowbar)
So, you used to always write dialogue with periods, and now you seem to have flipped to all commas, all the time. Commas (and not capitalizing the first letter of the following narration) are for when the dialogue is still part of the sentence, connected with a speech verb, and periods are for when they’re two different sentences.
and see if father has finally returned
Anytime you’re using father as a name, they’re capitalized. Same for mother.
I really love the setting of this – it’s very close to our own, so it’s easily recognizable, but there are enough small touches of how they’re different that it still feels distinct. It gets across that they’re still regular people even if they’re green and start off with tails. That said, I’d also love it if you wrote more stuff where the fact they’re frog people was more in the forefront. (And I’d like to know more about what their tadpole stage is like.)
I’m curious about the Two Lovers story. When it first comes up at the beginning, I thought it was happening on their own planet, but then the characters start talking about aliens. So is it set on a different planet, with the talk of swamps and alligators because it’s what they’re familiar with? Is the story supposed to be true to some degree (but then how would they know about it?) or are stories supposed to be just making things up for fun and Cra just really, really liked the idea? The way it’s presented I had the impression this was an old traditional tale, and those are usually supposedly true or at least have some basis. (Overhearing the trolls complaining about problems on another world?) Or is alien kids supposed to mean she met someone else on her travels and the resulting kids are half alien? I just could never quite figure out what the story was intended to be to them, even if it’s clear what the point is for this story.
Does Kvak ever go through with the penpal thing?
Scratch’s offer is interesting. I read what you said about other Felt’s reasons for leaving, and they generally didn’t have much of anything else, while Cra does still have a few ties. Does he just vanish right then when he accepts, or does he have time to leave a note? It seems like it’d be nice to say something before dropping off the face of the planet, regardless of if it’s just saying he’s leaving instead of that he was murdered in the night or some long insane sounding ramble about aliens and fuck you dad I’m going to another world.
http://archiveofourown.org/works/140230 Voyeur (Jack(Bro/Davesprite))
Dersians or Prospits
I can understand the way you declined the first, but the second is pretty awful. Even just matching Dersian with Prospian would have looked a lot better.
You do a pretty good job at drawing out the moment here, but your prose gets a bit purple at times even for this. And a number of your sentences seem to have gone off weirdly. Well… his fierce black joy was dampened somewhat by that which is duly fascinating. for example, I’m not quite sure what you’re saying here. The way it’s drawn out is perfectly fitting, and I like your look into Jack’s head, but I think it could be smoother.
Though he would never admit it to anyone else, he decides that it would take a greater abomination than he to truly revel in the intricacies of a dying human.
And this seems a weird finish. I could accept that he’s unsettled, but this seems more like it’s going for some strange sort of nobility. I could see him respecting a foe, but not just generally feeling bad about the deaths of anyone else.
The bit with Davesprite is wonderfully done, though.
http://archiveofourown.org/works/142415 Low Place Like Home (The Felt)
I love all of these. The detail of the first two is particularly great, and I like Fin’s just because yes, fucking horses and their fucking faces (and I’m curious – does he succeed and get the money but blow through it on more gambling, or fail and end up in even more trouble?), Die continues to be the creepy outlier with his tarot cards and drama while the other guys are all about just doing the job, Matchsticks is such a cheery arsonist, and Cans the most educatedest boxer. (Though I wonder why he’s so invested in the honesty of a match.)
http://archiveofourown.org/works/142417 Roses (Boxcars (Snowman))
Colossally depressing. You do a wonderful job with all the tiny details of this, and another wonderful job making the relationship make sense for both of them as well and seem so perfectly in character that it feels obvious, and yet so colossally depressing. There should be rules about depressing fic not being allowed to be written well enough to tempt people into rereading it.
Somehow the ending is all the worse for being enforced. From how Doc Scratch talks, it’s not even that what happened soured things enough to ruin the relationship, which feels like it’d have at least been a sort of closure.
http://archiveofourown.org/works/142572 Queen Takes Jack (Jack, Black Queen)
This is a very good portrayal of kismesissitude, but for the actual characters, it feels badly unbalanced. So Jack is ugly and her underling, but he’s “easily smarter than she is”, and she’s called insane and a sadist as well. Neither is she really in control, “They call her the Mad Queen, and she is kept out of battle, for the most part, and her ire at this takes on bizarre forms”, she’s above Jack on the rungs but clearly not actually on top and able to make decisions for herself. So all she has in her favor is that she’s hot, and Jack has everything in his favor but that. This puts all the blame for everything on her and throws in a number of extras that either have no basis in canon or contradict what we know.
My, the Archive isn’t handling things well. Probably better to be doing this now than later, though, since I expect it’s going to keep getting worse from here on. We’re still months from Yuletide.) Neither am I going particularly fast – at this rate, I won’t make it through to the end of the carapace fic. I’m estimating at least 200, which will take 7 a day. And some of these are long fics.
As to our count, we have as POV characters:
Jack, Black Queen
Considering that we’re starting with a major gender imbalance, unlike with the main cast, this seems reasonable so far. Let’s see where it goes!