Dragon Quill

[boyfriends forehead ]

You use an apostrophe when you’re
indicating possession.

[“Car crash. Got shot in the
chest.” DD replied bluntly. ]

…so, which was it? Or did the car
crash and then also someone came over to shoot him?

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”

[“My life as a member of the
midnight crew. You were right about everything. About my smoking
habits and my drinking problems. You always told me it would kill me
someday, but I never listened.” ]

Well, actually, it seems Droog was
still write about two of the three, in that it seems like he’s
getting killed for being a mobster, and therefore his smoking and
drinking weren’t a factor at all.

Also, PI is the one who’s canonically
smashed out of his gourd most of the time, so I’m not sure why he’d
be saying anything much about alcoholism.

Which brings me to the bigger problem,
which is that this really seems to have nothing to do with either
character. You’ve got them in a relationship you haven’t explained or
developed doing a deathbed declaration of love between characters
that are from two different comics and, in the extra-canonical
material where they actually exist near each other, just stand
menacingly and try to murder each other.

You can’t have dramatic payoff for
something that was never built up, and that’s what this is. If you
don’t show the relationship first, there’s nothing impressive in the
fact it’s ending. If you don’t convince me the characters actually
love each other but one has trouble saying so, there’s nothing
meaningful in him finally being able to admit it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9631431/1/Would-you-like-a-drink
(Trace (Fin, Quarters, Aradiacester))

[who’s turn it ]

Whose. “Who’s” is only for
the contraction “who is”.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”

It’s just Snowman, no zero involved.

I think the problem here is that it’s
an interesting idea for a conversation, but you have them talking
like it’s basically a straight flip from homophobia to heterophobia
(and such a very low key version, where they’re just idly curious,
which makes it even harder to view the subject as interesting). The
Felt are a single-gender species, not simply a normally homosexual
species, so they have no concept of gender in the first place. They
have to overcome not knowing what it means, the fact it’s a
distinction found only in aliens, and the fact they don’t have any
concept of having sex with the wrong gender because it’s never been
possible before this. There’s many reasons why “Wait, why is
Quarters having sex with the female ones?” should be a point of
interest, and just making it a matter of wanting to know if he’s
straight or gay the way people normally do is missing out on all of
those.

The conversation between Quarters
and the Handmaid is a lot better, in part I think because it’s
grounded in actual events and the conversation seems more relevant,
as well as more naturally showing the attraction Quarters has and the
weird position he’s in.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9637286/1/Grilled-Cheese
(SS (Karkat, Droog, Gamzee, Dave, Jade))

Eh. I can see what you’re going for
here, but it’s almost all original stuff that’s either an invention
with no basis in canon or going against canon – you don’t bother
showing how we get from regular Slick to
bothering-to-cook-for-his-kid Slick to mother-hen Slick, and you’re
building the whole fanfic around the whole grilled cheese thing when
none of the characters involved actually care about that. It’s
especially noticeable when you have Slick calling up Dave, who he
somehow knows, when Karkat’s sad, instead of, say, suggesting they go
out and kill Gamzee to make him feel better, and then somehow that
means Dave becomes Karkat’s moirail despite no development of his
character or explanation of the relationship at all. You even have
Slick identifying Dave as “clock kid” and Slick absolutely
hates clocks, yet apparently this, like all other characterization,
just doesn’t matter.

In a longer fic where you took the time
to set things up instead of just saying they happened, I could see
this being built out of canon, but you don’t bother with that here.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9639699/1/Slip-Slide-Melting
(SS (Snowman))

Hm. It seems weird to have Slick still
be running the Midnight Crew while moving Snowman from rival mobster
to dominatrix…especially when it’s their preexisting relationship
that was part of why he ended up exiled and becoming a mobster.
Moving this more firmly into AU territory by giving him some other
profession would help, I think.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9339606/1/Take-the-City-by-Storm
(Vriska (Equius))

[Monochrome City: famous for its unique
system of government in which the rich rule the city and its luxury.
]

Uh. Rich people being in charge and
having more stuff than other people is not particularly unique. Human
history has been more of a very, very slow crawl away from that being
absolute to a nice restrained mostly.

[Vriska had enough of dirt to go
around. She had hit all the bigger ones—drug dealing, prostitution,
and stealing everything she could—and this set her higher on the
ranks than other powers. ]

Drug dealers, prostitutes and petty
thieves aren’t the people on the top of the criminal heap, they’re
the poor flunkies. If she’s got a criminal empire, she’s busy
directing all those people.

[Makara’s go parole for me on Fridays!”
]

What? I think you mean something like
that Makara’s (people/thugs/something) go patrol for her.

[Vriska groaned loudly and crossed her
arms. He was right and she knew it. She absolutely hated how Equius
always knew just what to say when she started getting overly
cautious. ]

I’m really confused by what Equius is
doing here – involved in criminal activity, subservient to a lower
blood, and apparently the voice of throwing caution to the wind to
Vriska’s restraint. Because Vriska otherwise is so given to caution.

Also, why isn’t she making him go out
and whore instead of having to do it herself? Doesn’t she understand
delegation?

[Vriska never felt more unmotivated to
whore herself out for money. She adored money and the thought of
getting it again didn’t fix a thing about the situation. Still, she
did it for her missing mother. It was the only way to keep up the
standing of Webworks, and the only way for the teen to prove herself
in such a dangerous society. ]

I really don’t know why you think
prostituting herself makes everyone really impressed with how badass
and in control she is. It should just end with her in a shallow
grave.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9339606/2/Take-the-City-by-Storm
((Kurluz, Terezi, March Eridan?))

[Vriska collected her cash from the
desperate sleaze and added it to the stack she had been collecting in
her purse. It was a small addition, but it didn’t hurt any. She
adjusted her mini skirt so it covered most of her ass and leaned
against the wall, staring to the sky with a sigh. She was now
impossibly tired from pleasing four men that night, and it was only
11. She still had at least five hours left to meet her day’s payment
and make up for last night, and she was only a quarter of the way
done. ]

Two things. First, streetwalking is the
worst form of prostitution. It’s more danger and work for less money.
Assuming it makes sense for Vriska to be spending her time fucking
people, she’d be a call girl, she’s got an entire supposed empire
here. Second, why the hell isn’t she just robbing them? It’s faster,
it’s easier, and she’d get more money per person.

Also, you keep saying she’s got some
amount of money she needs to make, but you also act like she’s a free
agent, so why does she need to earn a quota as if she has a pimp to
pay?

[Kurloz, heir to the Makara Empire, was
standing there. She was in his territory now and there were probably
guards everywhere to keep him secure. This was exactly what she
needed tonight. As if she couldn’t become any more worn out, now she
had to flee for her life? ]

So does Vriska not have any actual
weapon of her own? Because that makes her behavior go from absurd to
suicidal. She’s supposedly concerned about being attacked, yet she’s
going out to have sex in alleys while completely unarmed? Do you have
any idea how risky prostitution is and how often they’re murdered? If
the people here are functionally human, she should be carrying a gun.
If they’ve got troll fighting ability, I could see her carrying a
knife or such instead. But she should have some weapon and this
should be a golden opportunity to take out the heir to her rival
empire, not a situation where her only chance of survival is to run
the other way.

[He was young, her age for sure, with
hair pulled into two ponytails and a feminine yet also razor sharp
face. He had thick glasses and his outfit looked something like a
strippers, with heels, a tube top, a skirt, thigh highs, and arm
bands. His hips were clearly a young man’s, but he was able to pass
off as a girl to the dizzy or intoxicated eye. “Listen, you
shouldn’t be running in those heels. You’ll kill yourself,” he
said with a posh accent. ]

So…March Eridan? That seems to fit
your description, but the guy’s personality bears no resemblance, so
I can’t tell. Plus, we’ve got her main competition be purplebloods,
so it seems like the cast system in still in play, in which case
Eridan should be pretty high up, but then you have streetwalker
Vriska in the first place, so…

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9339606/3/Take-the-City-by-Storm
((Sollux))

[Vriska went around her company,
checking off on production of meth, heroine, marijuana, cocaine, LSD,
spiked alcohol…the usual. Sales were up on her own blended drug of
Black Lotus, imported from associates in the Sahara Desert. A drug
created by her mother, the petals of the flower were hallucinatory
and gave spikes in energy, not to mention it lied under police
searches and made the minds of the users more susceptible to mind
control. ]

Okay, so, not all drugs are created
equal.

Meth is a cheap drug that’s easy to
make but extremely difficult to make without the occasional deadly
explosion. That’s why it’s associated with poor backwaters. Even if
you don’t care about your workers, you care about the police
investigation after one of your buildings explodes and they find the
remains of a meth lab while putting the fire out. Heroin, no e, is
some nastily addictive stuff, and a good bet for your evil drug
needs. Marijuana is small potatoes and doesn’t even justify the word
“production”, there’s a plant, you smoke the plant, you’re
good. Cocaine is high class stuff and if she’s got meth and heroin,
I’d expect them to be producing crack from it instead. Also, alcohol
spiked with what, exactly? Alcohol usually does the spiking and if
it’s spiked, it’s got to be with another drug of some kind, there
isn’t a specific chemical that makes something spiked.

If only her company produces Black
Lotus, and also apparently it’s whatever you meant by “lied
under police searches”, I’m guessing you mean undetectable, then
she shouldn’t be also producing every other drug you were told not to
take in school. She should be focusing on expanding the number of
addicts for something she has a monopoly on and which the police
apparently can’t get her on, and maybe producing a couple others that
cover different demographics – if it’s a hallucinogen, she
shouldn’t also need LSD, for one thing.

[“What a shame that would be.
Living in jail, away from the clutches of the girl who murdered her—”
]

Okay, if Sollux hates her so much, he
could’ve left any time and spilled everything to the police. And
given his violent mood swings that would just be made worse by, you
know, working for the person who killed Aradia, she really shouldn’t
keep him around because even if for some reason he isn’t right now,
at any moment he could decide to turn himself in.

[All of my 3 uncles and dad are playing
poker downstairs and discussing “business”, as dad calls
it]

Write out numbers with letters.

When used in place of a name, it’s
written Dad, in any other constructions like my/her/the dad it’s
written as such.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”

[Ugh. You are just so done. You start
crying since you feel so hurt and so alone. In the middle of the
tantrum, the door bell rings. You assume it’s your dad and anger
builds up. You open the door and two men in all green show up. They
have hats and they stare at you oddly.]

Don’t switch into second person when
you’re writing in first person.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new
paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up
into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new
paragraph.

[I looked at Boxcars and finally asked
“What do you guys do for work?” Boxcars looked at Deuce,
who had a sad look on his face and shook his head. Boxcars said ”
It would be best for everyone if you didn’t know.” ]

Okay, so they literally haven’t said
anything at all, not even a broad cover story or a euphemism or
anything, and yet supposedly Aradia’s been treating this as normal
for thirteen years?

Look, she’s not an idiot and Droog is
one of the more competent members of the gang. If he didn’t want her
to know, he’d have just lied to her. Then by age thirteen she could
reasonably be getting suspicious because things didn’t seem to be
adding up about the fact her dad supposedly worked in “finance”
or whatever he claimed, and then ask what they really did.

[“Shouldn’t I deserve to finally
know?! After all these years! Why we’ve never had money, why you guys
drink so much?!]

Uh. One of the perks of being murderous
criminals is the part where you do have money, and the fact people
drink only has a passing connection to their job, so I’m not sure
where that’s even coming into this.

Also, throughout this Aradia’s OOC, so
really, you should’ve just made up a kid to be Droog’s daughter
instead of distracting me with how this doesn’t fit Aradia’s
character at all.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9680832/1/Vriska-vs-Black-King
(Karkat (Vriska, BK))

[“Karkat, relaaaaaaaax. I think
you nearly shouted my ears off there, try to be a little more
considerate. Anyway, it’s not like I’ve just been sitting here for no
reason. Sitting on your ass all day is for losers. I’ve just been
stealing some luck from the King, debuffing him so you chumps can
soften him for me. Not that you’ve been doing that good a job at it.
I mean, sure, Gamzee’s hit was good, but he obviously can’t control
it, and I mean seriously, do you really think the clown could put a
power like that to good use? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!”

Karkat tapped his locomotion clump.
“Are you done talking yet? Can you go actually kill the King
now, or are you just going to keep lecturing me until the Aradiabots
run out of steam and a meteor the size of Troll fucking Jupiter
crashes into Skaia and kills us all?]

I love how you write them both in this.
Great dialogue that fits wonderfully with all the little details you
have of the battle itself.

But.

[“Do you know how much luck I
have?” She said]

When there’s a speech tag, it’s treated
as all part of the same sentence, and you only capitalize when you’re
starting a new one, so, it’s [she said] here.