6/03/12-6/19/12

Lost world (WV (Bec Noir, AR, WQ, WK, Death, doomed!Feferi, Dave, Terezi))

[He stood up, seeing his wounds healed, became confused. Another man in a black robe approached him, holding pout a cup of tea.]

You really, really need a beta reader.

[“The mail lady dropped you off, she’s coming for you soon, she just has to ta-“]

The meteor kids really have no clue about any of that. Even if Rose is able to scry on all this and figure out what’s going on – and considering how little attention they gave WV’s body, it’d hard to believe she would- the only one who knows PM is the mail lady was Jade.

[WV started to cry, it couldn’t be true! She…She was a female slayer now! He just broke down, falling to the floor. It was his worst dream come true. He couldn’t believe him, she actually had done it! No wonder nobody would tell him. ]

First, none of them should have any clue about WV’s issues. Second, while WV may well find the whole transformation disturbing, it’s not Jack’s form he fears, it’s Jack’s actions. Jack is the Slayer because Jack has slain a lot of people. Just wearing the White Queen’s ring doesn’t make her the same.

[now she was either going to get herself killed, or kill the slayer, and become his replacement!]

There is absolutely no reason why he should believe PM is now as bad as Jack. If he’s going to be upset at something, it’d be PM taking up her queen’s role, not the idea she’s inherently evil.

[What if the slayer fell in love with her new form?]

This is not something that would actually occur to anyone.

[There on the throne is the slayer himself, with someone on his lap. It is a creature much like him, except white and obviously female. It chitters something to him about mail, and it hits WV hard.

The female sitting abroad his lap is PM herself! WV looks shocked, which only makes the Slayer chuckle. WV begins to get angry as he moves closer, bad move. The Slayer and his lap dog jump up]

This is really making WV look bad.

It’s one thing to be viscerally disturbed by PM transforming – fears like that can be irrational. But actually thinking she’s exactly as bad just because she looks the same, followed by obsessing about the two of them being together? No.

Lost world Ch2 (Karkat, WV (PM, Bec Noir, Dave))

[Even worse, PM was with the slayer. She would probably never defeat him. He loved her and believed in her sure, but he knew that Jack was probably much stronger and had much more experience with the prototyping than her.]

He knows PM is a good fighter in her own right. He saw her use her sword when she was an ordinary person and he’d know she’d be better with the prototyping.

It’s possible he just can’t believe anything would work out for the best, but between this and his obsession with her dating the guy, it just sounds like he thinks the worst of her personally.

Also, all your characters talk the same. You should work harder at paying attention to different voices.

I swear, you really don’t see this sort of negativity directed at male characters who get power.

IOU (Slick (Hussie, Ms Paint))

[and put the unsettling questions of the exact degree of water-resistance his new parts had, he was shocked]

I think you dropped a word here. “put aside”, maybe? Or “had to rest”?

Anyway, this works well – Slick’s not the type to be grateful for much, but dying after saving his life probably would give him some pause.

[So Slick decided to repay his debt on the behalf of Andrew’s assistant. He would dry her tears with his vengeance. He would make this “English” his new adversary.]

Bear in mind he does know about Lord English already, though – this might be new incentive to go after him again, but they’ve been enemies since the first intermission.

The Lost Prince of Spades (Slick, Deuce (Droog, Boxcars, BQ?))

[ I m]

I’m.

[ The speeding bullets hits the green metal]

It’s either “bullet hits” or “bullets hit”.

[“The hell should i know?]

Basically, you really need to proofread better. There’s a ton of errors throughout this. Also, find a beta reader.

[-With Duece and Boxcars-]

Don’t do this. Put this kind of information into the narration, rather than just announcing it’s a new scene with additional characters.

…so, is Slick meant to be the little kid whose mother is the queen? Because that’s not really a backstory that fits his character in the least.

[ “Tell me again why we are on this damn planet?”
“The other one has Sn0wman.”]

Since when does Slick make it a point to stay away from Snowman?

The Lost Prince of Spades Ch2 (Droog

[“She reminds me of my childhood friend,” Slick says, “Ariel. She was…everything to me…” Choked up, Slick can t say anymore. ]

I’m increasingly confused why you felt Slick was a good choice to use for this story. He really doesn’t fit into the character you seem to want to write.

Midnight Crew fixs a shed roof (Slick (Droog, Deuce))

Nothing actually happened here.

Sweet Dreams (Doc Scratch (Aradiacester))

[He lifted a book off from her hair, being gentle as to not wake her. She had let her hair out again. Best to remind her about the rules next time he spoke with her.]

He doesn’t “remind” her about rules, he abuses her until she obeys him. Why present him like he actually cares about her when his plan is to torture her until she spends her life following orders just to be allowed to die?

Everyone needs to stop doing this.

Rhapsodie Noir (Jack)

[And his eyes? As dark as the rest of him. ]

Dersites have white eyes.

[He would make a better ruler than that queen. Because, in killing his subjects, he knew they would never feel as he felt. He was saving them.]

This would work better if you spent more time on his greviences. All you say is he’s sick of things, not why he thinks they’re awful everyone’s happier dead.

WV, Karkat (Bec Noir, AR, WQ, WK, Death, doomed!Feferi, Dave, Terezi, PM)
Slick (Hussie, Ms Paint)
Slick, Deuce (Droog, Boxcars, BQ?)
Slick (Droog, Deuce)
Doc Scratch (Aradiacester)
Jack

Page 101 – more than halfway through, actually.

Wordcount: 20357