Busy, and therefore late.

What a Tangled Web We Weave Chapter 1: A Journey of a Thousand Miles Must Begin With a Single Step (Doc Scratch, Eridan, Rose, Terezi (Vriska))

Hm, this again! And now with ∞ more pictures, too.

You inhale air through your mouth to try and get a taste of anything at all, but it just tastes like, well, air. Your nose frantically tries to find a scent of anything in the room, but there isn’t a single smell for you to pick up on.

Well okay, but why? A few seconds later she starts to smell Vriska’s colors, so why couldn’t she smell anything at first?

Also, you were using regular dialogue before, but now it’s pesterlog format. I’d suggest sticking to dialogue. (Also, Vriska’s one of the ones who does use apostrophes.)

…and why’s Vriska possessive of Eridan, of all things? They did break up, and didn’t Terezi just menace him, anyway? That’s all we saw, anyway. I could see Vriska lording it over Terezi that she’d done something wrong too, but not legitimately being disappointed in her…honestly I’d sort of expect her to be full of badly hidden glee because maybe now Terezi will stop shunning her and they can go back to murdering people together!

Plus, she’s apparently pretty weak and injured, which I’m assuming is solely because she was drawing all over the walls in her own blood since Vriska didn’t mention a fight and Terezi doesn’t mention any other blood on her. So…from their POV, uninjured Eridan runs off to get them and leads them back to Terezi soaking in her own blood, wouldn’t they be more concerned with Terezi?

Chapter 2: Disobedience as a foundation foundation for liberty (Terezi, Vriska)

Ah, so she did get into a fight and with Karkat and Feferi. Still weird she seems to be only one injured and that Vriska focused only on what she did to Eridan and not attacking anyone else.

…hm, and now Equius shows up to help her out/rescue her? Ominouser and ominouser.

…and Vriska’s either possessed by English or outright evil. Well, that’s going nowhere good. Wonder if she’ll be more useful to English than she was to Snowman. So then, is Terezi wrong and Vriska is faking her concern?

Partners (DD, PS)

Taikyoku (Slick, PM (DD, CD, HB, Snowman, BK, WQ, WK, Karkat))

Pest Control (Bec Noir, DD)

This is rather shoddy. The narrative voice doesn’t match up well and the whole story is too far over into OOC for the sake of crack. You throw out a lot of ideas one after another but don’t really connect them up, and it ends up reading more like a rough draft than anything.

Tea Party For Two + One Omnipotent Dog (Dave (Jade, Bec Noir))

You write Dave and the narration in general wonderfully, full of clever little tangents that never go so far as to obscure the actual story. I love him, I love the frogs, I love Jade sitting them all down for tea and dog biscuits.

Frog Hunting (Jade (Dave, Bec Noir, Karkat))

“Found one!” You call out

Regardless of if it’s a comma or an exclamation mark, you still don’t capitalize the first letter when you’re describing how something’s spoken. It should be “Found one!” you call out

Anyway, cute, but not really going anywhere in terms of plot. It sort of just starts, meanders, then suddenly stops again.

The Price of Heroism (Karkat (Kanaya))

…I don’t really get this. So, the timeline’s altered because Karkat managed to kill Eridan before Eridan killed Kanaya, that’s an interesting idea. It’s how you got from there to Kanaya sobbing into his shirt because Jack is coming to kill them that confuses me. And then because they’re moirails (?) she offers to have sex with him (????????????) since they’re going to die anyway.

And then Jack stabs them afterward.

1-800 SAX SAX SAX (DD (Jack))

“Hey, Diamonds,” Jack says, rude as always, never standing on ceremony, “think you can figure this thing out?”

That seems like exactly how it should have happened.

I love how you describe all the tiny details here, to the point I can feel how huge and strange the instrument is to DD and his life.

Doc Scratch, Eridan, Rose, Terezi, Vriska
DD, PS
Slick, PM (DD, CD, HB, Snowman, BK, WQ, WK, Karkat)
Bec Noir, DD
Dave (Jade, Bec Noir)
Jade (Dave, Bec Noir, Karkat)
Karkat (Kanaya)
DD (Jack)


Three of eight. (And closer to two of eight, given PM only gets a portion of a chapter.)