8/13/12-9/04/12

Green Veins (Doc Scratch, Snowman)

A drabble is a writing exercise where a story is written to be exactly 100 words long.

[shoo’s]

No apostrophe.

Anyway, this feels quite insubstantial. There’s no sense of context or meaning – he’s raging, he calms, he’s irritated she’s still there, he shoos her, she leaves. There’s no sense of what this is showing about the characters or why it matters.

The English Manor (Calliope, Caliborn (Lord English, Doc Scratch, Scratched Kids))

Huh. This is an interesting idea for an AU and you write it prettily, but I think you went too far in changing the characters to fit it and generally in dialing things back to be too fluffy. They’re kept locked away…until Calliope just asks to go to regular school and then it’s fine and she lives a regular life with friends. And Caliborn is secretly just a sad woobie who hates being ugly, really?

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

People need to just accept that Caliborn is a terrible person already.

Empty halls of violet hues (Karkat (Sollux))

[It’s been two long years since the end of the brutal war. Prospit had a clear advantage with their Bard, their trump card power, and the controller’s will. Yes Prospit was destined for victory. ]

If you find yourself typing any sentence about Prospit being destined to win, that’s a clue that maybe Prospit wasn’t the best fit for the role it’s playing in your AU.

[scientists stolen away for weapons development]

Why are they behaving like this when the war’s ended?

[ As the captain of the knights of Prospit, his role and political power ended with the war.]

Political power isn’t actually a synonym for warfare.

[He doesn’t speak a word, but one of the soldiers finally glances back, to finally meet his piercing red eyes. His silence bring the other to cease his actions as well, staring, knowing exactly who is glaring up at him.]

So Karkat is morally outraged to see his soldiers kicking some innocent person to death, and so therefore he just stands there until they bother to realize he’s there, because god knows the sign of a truly good person is deciding to show off how badass you are rather than focusing on helping. And then he just lets them scurry off, because when your soldiers violate your orders to attack innocent civilians, that’s totally how you handle it. Tell me more of how awesome Karkat is!

[ Speaking of, the man cringed at the sudden silence, holding his stomach while curled up on the ground still. No bleeding, but his twitching form gave enough of a hint towards how brutally they beat him down. His black hair was messy and covered in dirt, but his eyes were the real spectacle, bright blue, staring up at the man in gray above him.

He let out a soft whimper, glancing around for the soldiers around him. Finally, he sat up, although it took quite a bit more effort than he seemed capable of. ]

Yes, don’t help the person up or even tell them they’re safe, just watch them slowly uncurl.

So actually Karkat is capable of doing something, so long as doing something is startling the poor guy for the lulz? Nothing hideously wrong going on here at all, I sure hope they get together for their destined love or whatever because I totally care a lot about Karkat being happy after all this. I overflow with investment in his wellbeing.

[He looked ashamed of himself, as he probably should. Being saved by some stranger as immature churls (that were trained to protect his ass) beat him mercilessly and laughed it over, that’s pretty embarrassing. ]

Yeah I’m just going to quit now. Next time, try to write your main character as something other than a shithead.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Fucking category.

Dimly Lit (Karkat (Gamzee, John, Slick))

The characters here bear no resemblance to canon. This reads like it’s original fiction.

Ah, the prostitution AU. You wouldn’t think something like that would be so boring, and yet.

Ghost of You (Caliborn (Calliope))

Look, if you want to write a story about two siblings who love each other and then one dies saving the other from their evil mother, okay. But why on earth did you think Caliborn was a good choice for this? Literally every single other character in Homestuck would make more sense than him.

Down Under (Caliborn)

This really seems to have only the most tenuous connection to the actual character.

Terezi: Enter Can Town (Terezi (WV))

Don’t write dialogue in chatroom style. It’s both lazy and against the rules.

Carapaces are capable of speech.

[TEREZI: W4S TH4T R3C3NTLY?
The Mayor thinks a little more and starts to get agitated. He holds up his hands in confusion. You hastily amend your question.
TEREZI: 1 M34N
TEREZI: W4S TH4T TOD4Y?
The Mayor twitches for a few seconds and then clutches his head with both hands. You realize you have overtaxed his understanding of time. Truth be told, you’re not even sure he knows how long a day is.]

WV precisely adjusts the appearifier from Jade’s time to his present hundreds of years later. He’s not a drooling moron.

[and then the slice of the human city where Dave grew up in a strange lawnring called “apartment” that had a bunch of other humans in it living literally right on top of each other. ]

Sollux lives in an apartment building.

Of Orchids and Thorns (Rose, Bec Noir)

I’m not entirely sure what you’re doing, but regardless it’d be improved if you had fewer grammar errors.

What sort of stupid idea is it to parody what people aren’t writing?

I Love You Too My Hero (Jade (John, Bec Noir, Dave))

This isn’t very coherent. Aradia’s god tier, she wouldn’t be taken out of commission by general injury.

[“It’s okay though!” Jade cheerily adds in, a fake smile plastered upon her pale face. “B-Bec can’t harm me. There’s still Bec in him!”]

As this is what she’s actually experienced, she shouldn’t need to lie to herself about it.

[She gasps, almost dropping her weapon before she quickly holds onto it once more with strength, focusing. Bec would never attack her -she knew that. Did Noir somehow get rid of the dog’s heart in him?]

Why is this just suddenly occurring to her?

[“BEC!” she screamed, collapsing onto her knees before she threw her top body over and onto the ground, slamming it on top of her fallen rifle. “Bec, Bec, you’re still in there!” ]

Why did she think otherwise, and also, what does “her top body” mean, and also, why is she hysterical in general?

[She wasn’t like some princess who needed to be saved. ]

And yet immediately afterward you have Dave charging in to save her anyway. Though at least he dies and she lives.

Anyway, point is this really doesn’t make any sense within canon. Jade wasn’t afraid of Bec Noir even before she went god tier, and if you’re setting this with all the cast together then they have five god tiers on hand when a single one is capable of going toe to toe with him.

Also I feel like mentioning there’s some fic where Sollux is some pet species and Eridan buys him. Yes, it explicitly says it’s erisol. The one thing I thought I would be escaping by not reviewing in a fandom where there’s animals everywhere, and no, they just invent them.

Doc Scratch, Snowman
Calliope, Caliborn (Lord English, Doc Scratch, Scratched Kids)
Karkat (Sollux)
Karkat (Gamzee, John, Slick)
Caliborn (Calliope)
Caliborn
Terezi (WV)
Rose, Bec Noir
Jade (John, Bec Noir, Dave)

Five of nine, surprisingly.

Page 58 at halfway through the month. I’m doing pretty well. At this rate I should be able to do all the crossovers and still finish up the month with AOOOOOOOO.

Wordcount: 29737