9/8/12-9/23/12
DaddyScratchStuck (Doc Scratch, OCs, A Rising Urge To Kill Everything)
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
[“Swimming huh? Well I think we can fit that in, the pool isn’t too far from the zoo.” If he could have Doc would have smiled to reassure her, but instead he reached out and ruffled the girl’s hair gently to let her know everything was alright.
“I don’t wanna go ssswimming, it’sss too cold out. Besssidesss, I don’t sssee why the mutant getsss a sssay.” Rinkou glared at Illana, the words far more harsh than his usual teasing considering he knew how much the girl was ashamed of her blood color.
“Rin! Room, now. No dinner.” That was going too far, and Doc Scratch stood as he pointed at the door to the hallway in a very displeased manner. A little teasing was fine, even normal for young trolls, but Rinkou was getting far too violent way too fast and something had to be done if he was to grow up different from those back on Alternia.]
The Handmaid spends her entire childhood locked in a room being abused by Scratch in so that she’ll spend the rest of her incredibly long life serving the caste system and murdering those who try to improve things just for a chance to finally die.
If you want to do fluffy child raising stuff, literally any other character in the cast is a better choice.
Condesce, Jack, ogres, Calsprite…
Heart’s Content (Roxy (Calliope))
[“This morning my brother was being…A twat to say the least.” Said Calliope]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
[Calliope’s lower lip trembled.
“The whole school knows I’m asexual.”]
First, I’m pretty sure none of them would even know what asexual means. Second, after you explained it a half dozen times until they understood, the mocking would be a remarkably subdued affair compared to the standard insults of girls being sluts or so ugly no one will ever have sex with them, or maybe being gay for some variety. Third, Calliope isn’t asexual, she’s an alien whose reproductive drive is for blackrom-only, so if anything, she’d map onto people who are aromantic. (And the only reason she really knows that for sure at her age is that she’s an alien and they only work that way – at her age for humans it’s still pretty early to be picking absolute labels.) Fourth, seriously, asexual? Calliope is a bald cosplaying fangirl, I think they can find better things to bully her about.
Also she spends her whole life without letting her brother living right next to her get his hands on her stuff, I think she’d manage to keep track of her journal.
No, Tumblr.
Stalked (Dave, Jack)
This really sounds nothing like Jack and not much like Dave either, he sounds more like Afterschool Special Kid #876
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
And this seems even less like the characters, it’s just one of those warning stories about strangers, and not even a very accurate one – Jack isn’t doing the stuff he should be to get Dave to trust him and he apparently doesn’t get he can just lie his head off.
I’m glad I don’t like Jack as much or it’d be a lot more annoying he keeps getting tapped as random villain.
Until We Meet Again (WV (Lots of people, it doesn’t really matter.))
Well, that was nonsensical.
Chalky Sun (PM, DD)
[Pepper Mallory – Parcel Mistress/Peregrine Mendicant
William Vanderbilt – Wayweary Villein/Wayward Vagabond
Antonio Ramirez – Authority Regulator/Aimless Renegade
Daniel Daniels – Draconian Dignitary/Diamonds Droog
Harold Babinski – Hegemonic Brute/Hearts Boxars
Calvin Dailey – Courtyard Droll/Clubs Deuce
Jack Noir/Spades Slick – Jack Noir/Spades Slick]
I laughed when I hit the end. But you realize the whole of the Midnight Crew already has passable names, or at least nicknames?
[Pepper, Antonio and William (when he was willing to come out of the basement) often enjoyed the small shops and cafés on this avenue during carefree summer days and weekends. She hoped William wasn’t upset that he wouldn’t be able to expand and manage his “Can Town” as often after this last summer weekend.]
The Can Town thing is something WV does only after his rebellion is massacred and he spends hundreds of years wandering a wasteland. If PM and AR are still functioning individuals like their pre-exile selves, WV should be his original self of an idealistic farmer.
[Trash littered the main streets of the Dersite District, sodden and smelly from the rain]
There’s really no sign that Dersites are all around worse than Prospitians. AR’s behavior and the repeated mentions of the bureaucracy suggest they’re pretty organized.
…I really can’t imagine DD spending his spare time cleaning trash off the streets.
[ He noted how bright her green eyes were as she rode down the street grinning with a lovely thin-lipped smile. He noted how her almost white hair that could be no more than shoulder-length tangled between the fingers of the wind. ]
If you’re going to have him decide he thinks she’s hot, you’re better off mentioning the grey ladies thing, since that, not green eyes, is the thing he’s actually shown interest in.
Sleeping Diamonds and a Whiskey Lullaby (Jack (MOC))
[“So… You’re name is Spades Slick?” The commentary voice asked. ]
“You’re” is short for “you are”. “Your” is the possessive.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
Also, I’m not sure what a “commentary voice” even is.
[making thins worse]
Things. Proofread.
[“yes” He muttered, “im spades slick”]
Write Slick’s dialogue properly. The way he types while onehanded and bleeding has no bearing on his speech.
And now for no discernible reason Slick is explaining he’s the leader of a gang and who everyone else was in the gang to a police interrogator.
[clubs deuce, arsonist. hearts boxcars, body guard]
Making bombs is more than arson, and Boxcars is a safecracker, not a bodyguard.
And now for even less reason, Slick is allowed to leave after saying all that stuff because I guess he was just there to deal with the fact they found Droog’s body or something? I really have no more idea why Slick would bother talking to the police about that than I do why they’d be sympathetic and let MurderyMcStabs go after he confesses.
Really can’t make sense of this one. I was thinking Droog was dead and the rest arrested and that’s why Slick didn’t give a damn about confessing, but no.
Doc Scratch, OCs
Roxy (Calliope)
Dave, Jack
PM, DD
Jack (MOC)
Three of five.
Wordcount: 31458