9/11/11-11/12/11
Nomenclature (Jack (BQ))
Hm. This is a very interesting bit of worldbuilding.
It seems pretty strongly implied that his initials aren’t JN, though, they’re SS, since he becomes either the Sovereign Slayer or Scurrilous Straggler. Insisting his name is Jack Noir anyway is part of him not playing by the same rules.
The Doctor’s Orders (Doc Scratch (Aradiacester))
[during it’s days]
Its.
[ He stood there in his white suit adjusting his green fly under his white cue ball head while in front of a mirror. Not that his attire ever was in need of adjustment or that he would have need for a mirror, even if the impossible happened but the trickster in him knew when to put up a show for his guests.]
Is this a meta thing about the readers?
[“Indeed,” he began to speak “Being the excellent host that I am I not only know exactly what my guests want but also,” he flipped around addressing the empty room, “What my guests need. But you already knew that, didn’t you?”]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
Anyway, that was pretty disturbing.
He Loves (Sleuth (Slick))
This reads like it’s about two OCs.
Connected (Bec Noir, Slick (Karkat))
Well, it’s not written badly but it doesn’t really go anywhere.
Then (Jack (Karkat))
[One day, he just couldn’t stand it anymore. After stabbing the troll and receiving the same methodical reaction he got every single time, he snapped. He grabbed Karkat by the front of the shirt and nearly lifted him off the ground as he jerked him forward. “Why won’t you hate me?” the archagent hissed desperately.]
This doesn’t seem IC. Jack could probably be surprised Karkat tolerates the stabbings, and maybe confused, but I just can’t buy him as concerned about it. What you’re writing seems like a character who feels he deserves to be hated for what he’s done so he gets worse to try to show the other person that, but if Jack ever feels remorse at all, it’s vanishingly rare. Honestly, this whole fic would work better with the whole first scene removed.
The rest of the scenes, though, I quite like.
The Last Task (Slick (Snowman))
The best pairing!
Bedtime Story with Doc Scratch (Doc Scratch (Aradiacester))
Cleverly written, amusing, and deeply creepy. Good job.
FOR GOD’S SAKE STOP WRITING ABOUT HER IT’S REALLY DEPRESSING
An Unprompted Snowman Drabble (Snowman (MC, Felt))
A drabble is a writing exercise where the result is exactly 100 words.
[keep the sand out of her hair]
She doesn’t have hair.
[She partakes of the canned food offered to her by former rooks and former knights, allows those who used to be seamstresses to adjust her cloths to keep the sand out better, thanks them with serious countenance and slow nod, though such deference burns in her throat. She is a Queen- no, she was a Queen. Now, she is a banished Quasiroyal, and she will stoop to levels that she never would have before. It is her own fault that Jack had the power to exile her, after all. This makes it no less unpleasant to make nice with lesser Dersites, exiled for petty politics, or with Prospitan fools]
We’ve never seen any of the queens be anything but civil to ordinary people.
[But the farther away from her landing point she gets, the less and less exiles she runs into… alive, in any case. The harsh days and freezing nights take their toll, and the battle is more than over by this point, so there are no exiles left to replace those who die, huddled in their rags, leeched of all color. Those she meets become more and more suspicious and distrustful, and when she has wandered for nearly a week on no food, she knows that she will have to change herself, accept whatever she need do to survive.
The next exile she greets on knees, wavering in the dry, angry breeze, face to the ground, cracked lips whispering pleas- just one can of food, just one night near a fire, please, please.]
Why is she completely dependent on others to survive? Especially when Slick and company are apparently doing so well they already have time to spend on building the city rather than searching for food and water?
[as the dawdler explains to her that it was the straggler’s idea, that if they built a city where all of the exiles could live, no one would have to starve or freeze to death anymore.]
And how exactly would the presence of new buildings fix the main problem of no food?
[Her soft fingers blister, become callused, her long hair is more oft than not tied back out of the way]
Seriously, she’s a hard shelled chess person. It’s important because only the carapaces could survive the wasteland in the first place.
Also this all reminds me an awful lot of conceptofzero’s The Queen is Dead. You’re even using the same phrases.
It’s totally based off The Queen is Dead, only with the Queen being really pathetic. And more rushed. But mostly her being really pathetic.
I was excited to see this one because it’s over three thousand words, and it’s about Snowman, and then…that’s what it is.
Jack (BQ)
Doc Scratch (Aradiacester)
Sleuth (Slick)
Bec Noir, Slick (Karkat)
Jack (Karkat)
Slick (Snowman)
Doc Scratch (Aradiacester)
Snowman (MC, Felt)
One of eight.
Now on page 182.
Did you know people still warn for slash? And I don’t just mean including it in a list of warnings, I mean honest to god apologetic author notes regarding how it’s slash.
Wordcount: 4542