11/15/12-11/19/12 Very nearly at the end.
CENOTAPH (Rose (Feferi, Eridan, Karkat))
[This IS slightly AU- the trolls and two of the kids are on the meteor, fleeing the Scratched session from Bec Noir. However, everyone is alive (with the possible exception of Aradia?) and not, you know, murdered or left behind.]
Considering how important to their characters what happened was, you should probably be more specific about your setup.
Are you going for a lighter AU, so you’re just ignoring the murderfest’s additions to characterization, did everything happen with the difference that people survived the murder attempts (Vriska still attacks Tavros but he lives, Eridan still shoots Feferi and Kanaya but they live) so the fallout from that’s still a factor, or did the murder attempts never happen (Vriska fails to goad Tavros into attacking, Eridan doesn’t get the wands – or just the fleeing happens much earlier and preempts them), so there’s no fallout yet but the murdering characters are still ready to do so?
And regardless, why on earth wouldn’t Aradia be alive? She revives because Bec Noir blows up Derse.
[Almost everyone had elected to keep their quarters as small and as close to the others’ as possible, half out of convenience and half out of a mind of safety.]re
The walkarounds make it clear this isn’t true.
[The upper levels were mostly safe, but the underlabs and far reaches of the top layer were infested with Imps, and as you went down farther, much worse things.
Sollux had repaired and developed the lab’s security systems enough that there was usually advance warning of intruders in the upper levels, but Karkat had quickly decided there was a need for greater security, and assigned regular patrol duties.]
The kids already fought the final boss, there isn’t going to be much that’s a problem. Also, one of the big problems the trolls have is working together and Karkat in particular is really struggling with the whole leader thing by the time of the meteor. Getting patrols organized is not impossible, but it’d be a big deal if he managed it and say a lot about the social situation, it shouldn’t be a throwaway detail.
[and with the addition of Argent and the Mayor]
Who’s Argent?
[“Wwhat? Oh, you’re Kan’s matesprit, so you gotta be a wwordy one. Sorry I’m wway too busy to be dealin with you humans right now,” he said impatiently, brushing past her and into the hallway.]
Eridan is interested in Rose, remember? He trolls her on her computer, gets extremely upset at her, and ultimately wants the wands solely to one-up her.
[“You need me to make it an order? Fine. Stay the fuck away from Eridan Ampora.” He glared at her for a moment, before turning back for the second time to his husktop.]
Why? Karkat and Eridan were on good terms before Eridan’s murderspree. He has no idea Eridan’s dangerous and doesn’t hate him. He’d more likely be warning her that Eridan’s really desperate to get into a quadrant and if she pays any attention to the guy he’ll never leave her alone.
CENOTAPH Ch2 (Eridan (Kanaya))
[and he’d spent the last three days not only trying to pick up the emotional pieces of his splintered life]
See, this is why it’s important to establish your AU properly. Is Eridan’s life shattered because he tried to murder Feferi and Kanaya as well as blow up the matriorb? Or is his position in the group still its pre-murderstuck level, and he’s just melodramatic about his lack of quadrants?
[GA: Wait Really
GA: Eridan Thats Actually Rather Impressive
GA: The Underlevels Are Dangerous Even For God Tier Players]
No, it isn’t. A god tier Aradia can freeze Bec Noir in his tracks and a god tier Vriska can even beat him. If there’s anything down there that’s dangerous to god tiers, there’d be no point in running away from Bec Noir.
Furthermore, they already beat the boss of the game, a random meteor should not have stuff they’d find dangerous lying around.
[GA: Actually Why Are You Talking To Me At All
GA: It Was My Impression You Never Had Much Patience For
GA: Well
GA: Anyone
GA: Land Dwellers In Particular
CA: yeah dont freak out or anythin but i dont mind talkin to you kan
CA: i mean evveryone says you meddle an shit but i havvent evver had any problems just tellin you wwhats up
CA: so you wwere the first choice to come to wwhen all this wwent an happened]
What?
The very first conversation we see is Eridan bugging Kanaya and insisting they’re friends! She would not be surprised he’s talking to her and everyone knows that Eridan’s non-Feferi friends are land dwellers, it’s probably most of why they aren’t worried about his genocide plans, they don’t really believe he means it.
Fucking woobie Eridan.
CENOTAPH (Karkat (Kanaya, Feferi))
Karkat is actually really close to Eridan and takes his feeling seriously. Kanaya is most likely to brush it off as dramatics, while Karkat would probably switch over to concern much more strongly. Also, he knows full well Eridan and Feferi broke up, and we know Feferi and Eridan talked during the game plenty of times.
CENOTAPH (Kanaya, Eridan)
[GA: Speaking Of Which
GA: What Has Gotten Into You Lately Eridan
GA: Your Behavior Has Been Distinctly Different Than The Troll I Remember]
It’s really better to show this than tell about it. Just going to the underlevels can’t be it, he spends his whole game aggoing his own superpowered consorts, so doing something dangerous isn’t any change of behavior.
[GA: And You Have Just Highlighted One Of These Aforementioned Changes Yourself
GA: Since When Have You Ever Apologized For
GA: Well
GA: Anything]
Eridan apologizes all the time. While we’re at it, he’s also fond of expressing thanks and gratitude to people who help him out.
[CA: an suddenly i just kinda realized
CA: i hated myself just as much as they did]
A good realization but again, one much better shown. So far, you’re handling Eridan’s character by having one character say he’s changed and then Eridan saying he’s changed.
[CG: IF YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT YOU’RE PALE FOR ERIDAN FUCKING AMPORA, YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO CONVINCE ME BEFORE I GIVE YOU ANY OF MY FAMOUS ROMANTIC ADVICE. WHICH, BY THE WAY, IS AN AMAZING DEAL, BECAUSE I AM PRACTICALLY THE GOD OF GIVING YOU POOR FUCKS ROMANTIC ADVICE. IT’S WHY I NEVER GOT TO GOD TIER, BECAUSE I SECRETLY SNUFFED IT IN THE QUEST COCOON IN THE LAND OF ROMCOMS AND COUNSELING.
GA: Uh Right
GA: Well
GA: We Have Talked In The Past With Minimal Conflict]
Kanaya loathes him. Unless “minimal conflict” is Kanaya telling him to leave her alone and then only helping him out of mockery when he won’t, this bears no resemblance on their relationship.
Again, you have to show things. Show why Kanaya feels differently about him, don’t just have her say she suddenly realized what a great guy he is.
[GA: But Then He Elucidated The More Obtuse Facts Of His Injury And I Just
GA: Thought About How Sad It Was
CG: JEGUS MARYAM HOLD YOUR SHIT
GA: That He Was Unconscious By Himself In A Maze Of Metal Where Even His Teammates Didnt Know How To Find Him
GA: He Didnt Even Think Anyone Would Notice If He Was Gone Karkat
GA: And I
GA: I Just
GA: Pity Him]
Also, wrong kind of pity. Moirail is the balancing relationship, not the any positive feelings at all. If she felt concern for what he did *and then the desire to nag him to stop doing things like that so he wouldn’t die*, she’d be pale.
[CG: MM. WELL, ANYWAY, I NOW BELIEVE YOU THAT YOU HAVE PALE FEELINGS FOR THE LARGEST ASSHOLE I HAVE EVER HAD THE MISFORTUNE OF MEETING]
Karkat really is on pretty good terms with Eridan, and moreover, spent much of the game dealing with his romantic issues and trying to help him. He’d have more thoughts on this than “Eridan sucks but fine whatever”.
That was terrible and I still don’t know who Argent is! AR?
Black, White and Green (MOC (WV, MOCs))
[You touch your left arm with your right claw, and move it down to your where you think your left ribs must be. Your four digits find nothing but rigid carapace all the way down. ]
Why would the pawns be set to expect ribs in the first place, though?
[When you wake up for the second time, you notice something has changed. Your left arm used to be just a regular old, jet black arm. Now there’s a grid-like pattern of short white lines, perpendicular to each other, in little squares on your wrist. You guess that’s pretty cool. Yesterday, your arm had nothing special or unusual about it, but today, it’s got all these white lines on it! You wonder what cool developments tomorrow will bring!]
Is this literally meant to be the next day? The bar code probably grows in as the carapace grows, and even if it’s one of the last things it’s hard to believe it’d happen that abruptly.
[The new pawns break formation and set to work. Three of them come up to your house. Two of them link their arms together to form a step-up for the third. This pawn begins unscrewing the roof of your house. You guess that’s okay with you. If it’s the way to get out, and all. You can put the roof back on later if you want to. The pawn finishes unscrewing the roof, and throws it to the side. He sticks out his claw to you. ]
That seems like it’s a really timeconsuming method of getting canon fodder. It takes three people just to open the lid?
Black, White and Green Ch2 (MOC (WV, MOCs))
[He points to the grid of lines on your wrist. He gives you a reassuring look as you put your left wrist on the desk. This won’t hurt a bit, he seems to say.]
Are they ever going to actually say something?
Black, White and Green Ch3 (MOC (WV, MOCs))
[“At the centre of the Incipisphere lies Skaia, dormant crucible of unlimited creative potential. The forces of light are charged with its defense, while the forces of darkness covet its destruction. And so the forces of light and darkness must battle to the bitter end to determine its fate. But take heart, young Dersites. This is a battle that the forces of light are destined to lose.”]
That seems odd, it’s almost the same thing as John’s told and you’d think they’d put their own spin on things.
Also, are any of the carapaces going to be female? So far it seems every last one is male.
Black, White and Green Ch5 (MOC (WV, MOCs))
Carapaces can make sounds just fine. Among other things, they use radios. Also, it should be obvious that requiring writing tools to communicate is a really bad idea for people trying to coordinate on a battlefield.
ARG
It’s like you have a choice – either they’re alien carapaces, in which case they’re mute for no reason, or they’re exactly like humans, but at least that means they get to talk.
Black, White and Green Ch7 (MOC (WV, MOCs))
[ you ladies have the privilege of being commanded by such a seasoned fighter.]
They’re a race of cloned chess people. Why can’t they have females in their army, instead of that being an insult?
Black, White and Green Ch8 (MOC (WV, MOCs))
I’m not sure how much sense it makes for them to be getting all this training. The cloning process evidently gave fighting skills, and their survival rate must be terrible, so why not just throw them into more fights?
[ He wants to ask you and 22 a question. Look around you. Look at the land and the sky and the grass and the clouds and the streams. Do you hate what you see? Does the very sight make you sick to your stomachs? You look at each other, and shake your heads. The farmer spits again, having failed to get the foul taste out of his mouth the first time.
The armies of light and darkness must battle to determine the fate of Skaia… how stupid! Not even the fresh-off-the-boat pawns of the army of darkness want to destroy Skaia. How could they? How could any creature alive want to interfere with all of this? It’s the best home he has ever had.]
Eh, this seems like the easy way out. Why would the place look instinctively wonderful to them?
Black, White and Green Ch14 (WV (MOCs))
[You find it does get a bit lonely out here. It’s just you, your crops, and Brigadier-General Canningsworth. Your scarecrow, that is. That’s his name and rank. If he’s vigilant enough, he just might make Field Marshal. That’s what you keep telling him, anyway. But it’s really just an incentive for him to work harder. That particular rank is a little farther down the road than you lead him to believe sometimes. You wonder if that makes you a bad person.
You’re only kidding, of course. You know he’s just a can, some sticks, and your old army uniform. You don’t really tell him anything. Because he can’t respond. But it’s fun to pretend sometimes.]
Well actually, he can’t really tell him anything because for some reason you thought it made sense for them not to be able to talk, and then further added that the only way they communicate is by tablets which are in limited supply and the farmers don’t even have access to.
[You guess that some of the pawns back at the castle were female. Most were male, like you and 23. But there’s no real difference, is there? It’s just an arbitrary assignment that doesn’t mean anything. Why should it matter if someone is male or female?]
Which is why it’d have been nice to actually have them, instead of only writing male characters and having a sergeant insult the new soldiers by saying they’re girls.
[You HATE the King! There! You’ve said it! YouhatetheKingyouhatetheKing youhatetheKing! Of ALL the possible courses of action he could take, WHY does he have to interfere with your beautiful land?]
I have to say, making WV’s ultimate motivation be that he’s pro-conservation kind of ruins him. I mean, untold numbers of people are dying every day, and his big problem is just that they’re threatening the scenery? And there’s already a side in favor of saving Skaia – Prospit.
[You sigh. What’s the use? You would never be able to tell people about this idea. Because that’s against the King, and you would get punished, and locked up, and no one would ever listen to you! ]
More to the point, he’s incapable of telling people anything they “listen” to if he’s mute, and therefore only able to say something to whatever small number of people can read writing he passes around. I’m curious how you picture Rise Up even working, because he literally can’t communicate with any large group or at any distance.
Starting to wonder if this is the origin of that reference in the other PM about WV fighting out of rivalry.
Black, White and Green Ch15 (WV (MOCs))
[A pawn on the moor below gains the upper hand in single combat with another. His alignment is irrelevant. His color, disregarded.
A sword falls to the ground below and smotes in the soil. Its owner, disarmed.
A self-proclaimed victor goes to finish a prostrate adversary. A lone figure above gives him pause. A battle, suspended.
A violet-clad villein beckons all present to join his cause. A new flag is regarded. A faction, created.]
So he literally just stands there and everyone suddenly stops and realizes he’s right.
Black, White and Green Ch16 (WV (MOCs))
So yeah. The no-speech thing got steadily more unworkable with each chapter. I really don’t like that WV’s major focus seems to be Skaia defense. You tried to give him some sort of distinction between his movement and Prospit’s, but it’s nonsense – he’s just saying he assumes WK is bad, even though he’s fine attacking BK in defense of Skaia himself. The death toll seems like an afterthought.
I think it’d have been wiser to just stick with your original viewpoint character. You switched to WV just in time to go to the predictable part of the story, I’d be more interested in what his friend thought about seeing it unfold.
This is also just really, really long, and seems like it could be tightened up. Did you really need chapter upon chapter of them screwing around and training?
Overall, disappointing but not the aggressive badness that characterizes so much fanfic.
A Universe Ment for Fruit (MOC)
Your title is misspelled.
[Switch to Jason Eddie’s point of view)]
Don’t do this.
First, you’re not just switching viewpoints, you’re switching styles, from third to first person, which is generally a terrible idea. Second, you absolutely have no need to announce this like you think your reader is too stupid to notice.
[It has my favorite character of all time on the top, rainbow dash from my little pony, friendship is magic!]
I see even being your favorite wasn’t enough to earn her name capital letters.
Anyway, this chapter was pointless. It’s a story about Sburb, of course he’s going to get the same somehow.
A Universe Ment for Fruit Ch2 (MOC)
[2 days have passed since your birthday; you have had to wait for your friends to get their copies of the game. But now that they have it, you decide to plug-in the server disk.
(Switch to Jason’s point of view)]
STOP DOING THIS.
p(Text log)
Je: hey! My Sburb beta is installed now! I’m so excited for this! :D
Ab: in a bit you’ll think twice about that statement ;)
Je: what do you mean?
Ab: nothing, just something i saw in a dream
Je: well, anyyyyywaaayyyy, why don’t you connect to me and we’ll get started?
Ab: one step ahead of you
(text ends)
what does he mean by that? Eh, probly nothing. “HOLY CRAP!”]
Okay, I’m just going to say this is a mess. Google for a writing guide to get the basics, then find someone to beta read for you to clean up the rest.
A Universe Ment for Fruit Ch4 (MOC)
The setting already has a well established form of prophesy, as well as a way of accessing it through dreams. There’s no need for your character to also be dreaming of going through future events.
And now he’s waking up, flying around as a dreamself and going back to bed without actually doing anything, rendering it a pointless interlude.
A Universe Ment for Fruit Ch7 (MOC)
[Think of it as if it’s a chess match. And only 1 black king and one white king are left.]
…how many kings do you think a chess match starts with?
A Universe Ment for Fruit Ch8 (MOC, WK, WQ (BK, BQ)
[I watched him strike my husband down in a single blow, I was supposed to be the one to die first. Now he knows he failed, he failed because I lived. I can still protect Skaia.
(Dialogue log)
Bk: leave my sight woman
Wq: no! Kill me too! Let me be with him! Let him at least think he didn’t fail!
Bk: oh but he did. Because now, this scepter is mine. Now the reckoning is upon us!
Wq: just kill me then! Why let me live!]
This is increasingly incoherent.
Ghettostuck (Doc Scratch, Karkat, Sollux)
There’s more to characterization than typing quirks.
Rose, Eridan, Karkat, Kanaya (Feferi)
MOC, WV (MOCs)
MOC, WK, WQ (BK, BQ)
Doc Scratch, Karkat, Sollux
One of four.
Page 6
Wordcount: 50729!