???-???
Well, I’ve surpassed the NaNo 50,000 words, I’ve reached the end of the category’s carapace fic…
And I missed some, as I found on the way to counting fic for statistical and misanthropic reasons. Bitter livejournal post tomorrow on the subject, but for tonight:
Dave ur arm (Dave (fuck if I’m bothering))
Learn to troll properly.
This Love, This Hate (Slick (Snowman))
[“Slick” A silky sweet voice calls.]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
[“Oh, Slick, Darling.” She says, her words stick like honey.
“Don’t you know how lonely a girl can get by herself at the Manor?”]
Your formatting here is a mess. Every line or two shouldn’t be its own paragraph. Also, why is she talking like this? There’s not much sign this is mocking or anything. You seem to be presenting them as people who get along fine outside of direct conflicts. And if the idea is that they say they hate each other but they actually don’t…well, you have to work harder at explaining how that can be true here, because from what we see just in canon, they really hate each other.
Bad Dog (Jade, Bec Noir)
Eh, that really didn’t seem to go anywhere. You didn’t address how Jack managed to overcome the prototyping right then, when he certainly couldn’t before, and Jade’s fearful behavior from the moment she sees him doesn’t make sense when she stood up to him then with much less reason to believe he’d stop.
Plus she’s god tier now and that means she should be at least able to hold her own, and she’ll revive due to the heroic death clause – as will John, he’s already been stabbed and come back.
Stop writing Jade as helpless, fandom!
Drawing dead ace of trumps (Droog (Slick))
Capitalize your title properly.
[Spades Slikc]
And spellcheck/proofread.
Aside from that, the writing of this is nice. You write Droog’s thoughts and Slick’s description well, and it’s a nice moment of peace that’s well balanced by all the references to the violence that’s taken place.
Dance With Me Down Wall Street
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
[ one that didn’t suit much purpose to the original owners]
…what? Do you mean didn’t suit the purpose of the original owners, or that it’s being used for a different purpose now than they originally intended, or…?
[Aside from a few rundowns]
Do you mean rundown patches?
[cab fair.]
Fare. Your story is full of this kind of thing. You should really get a beta reader.
[Sn0wman]
Her name’s just Snowman.
And huh, why’s she in red? The Felt’s associated colors are green, and hers are black, green and black, and black dotted with stars. Unless the color’s there to mean that this is taking place when she has none of her standard affiliations yet.
Their relationship here makes no sense. He’s interested in her at first sight, okay so far…then she stabs his eye out for looking at her chest? It’s not like she just maims people for no reason, she stabbed his eye out because she already hated his guts, so why would she be going that here? Unless she does know him and she’s just pretending otherwise since she doesn’t recognize him, there isn’t any reason for her to hate him. And it’s not much of a setup for him hating her, because she’s just a random psycho who hurt him – he might come back to murder her later for it, but that’s it, it’s not like there’s any relationship there.
Also I don’t see why they’d just leave calmly after Slick getting his eye stabbed, instead of going for murder right then.
Oh, Snowman-just-stabs-people-for-no-reason fanon. How I haven’t missed you.
Dave
Slick (Snowman)
Jade, Bec Noir
Droog (Slick)
Slick (CD, DD, HB, Snowman)
One of five.
Wordcount: 51,481