Made it to the 180s in the pages.
[The
carapacian vagabond ]
carapacian vagabond ]
Wayward
Vagabond is the name he goes by, so it’s really not a good idea to
take half of it for a new epithet. And other bad terms are a problem
throughout this. They’re not even cleverly bad, just the usual kind.
Vagabond is the name he goes by, so it’s really not a good idea to
take half of it for a new epithet. And other bad terms are a problem
throughout this. They’re not even cleverly bad, just the usual kind.
Also,
having drunk Roxy talk exactly as she types down to the asterisked
corrections and wonking is as lazy as it is poor writing. You could
just barely get away with it if you were doing this in script format,
but you’re writing it as standard dialogue.
having drunk Roxy talk exactly as she types down to the asterisked
corrections and wonking is as lazy as it is poor writing. You could
just barely get away with it if you were doing this in script format,
but you’re writing it as standard dialogue.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8407401/1/Black-and-Green
(Slick (Snowman))
(Slick (Snowman))
Hey look, it’s this weird thing
again! In which Snowman is raped by English so she runs to Slick and
then the author tries to walk back from that horrible idea in favor
of her just getting beaten up in a very violating way that was like
rape – at least they realized there was a problem here.
again! In which Snowman is raped by English so she runs to Slick and
then the author tries to walk back from that horrible idea in favor
of her just getting beaten up in a very violating way that was like
rape – at least they realized there was a problem here.
This is poor
poetry and it’s not saying anything new or even anything old in a new
way.
poetry and it’s not saying anything new or even anything old in a new
way.
And it just keeps going.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8832277/1/PoliceForcestuck-Election
(Karkat (Kanaya, Vriska, Jade))
(Karkat (Kanaya, Vriska, Jade))
Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
Also, for the love
of god, use said. Your dancing around it varies from distractingly
noticeable to outright terrible word choice.
of god, use said. Your dancing around it varies from distractingly
noticeable to outright terrible word choice.
[The
female returns to the desk computer ]
female returns to the desk computer ]
Don’t
refer to women as “females”, it makes you sound like a
creep. You make sure to call Karkat a male troll rather than just “a
male”, Kanaya deserves the same.
refer to women as “females”, it makes you sound like a
creep. You make sure to call Karkat a male troll rather than just “a
male”, Kanaya deserves the same.
While
Vriska just assuming she’ll be Jade’s roommate without saying
anything is perfectly IC, the rest of the setup isn’t – if Jade
wasn’t planning on a roommate, she would have said something about
the fact the suggestions were all apartments with at least two
bedrooms by now. If Karkat asked why Vriska cared so much about the
location and it was because Jade was planning to get a roommate and
she assumed it’d be her, that’d work fine.
Vriska just assuming she’ll be Jade’s roommate without saying
anything is perfectly IC, the rest of the setup isn’t – if Jade
wasn’t planning on a roommate, she would have said something about
the fact the suggestions were all apartments with at least two
bedrooms by now. If Karkat asked why Vriska cared so much about the
location and it was because Jade was planning to get a roommate and
she assumed it’d be her, that’d work fine.
[The
troll removes the woman’s grip, “Jade, the majority of this town
would rather die than put me in power.”
troll removes the woman’s grip, “Jade, the majority of this town
would rather die than put me in power.”
Why…? We do know
many lowbloods don’t like the fact their blood puts them at the
bottom of the social ladder, but that doesn’t mean they’d reject a
leader solely on the basis of having higher blood, and most of the
trolls we see seem to respect Feferi.
many lowbloods don’t like the fact their blood puts them at the
bottom of the social ladder, but that doesn’t mean they’d reject a
leader solely on the basis of having higher blood, and most of the
trolls we see seem to respect Feferi.
[“Mayor
Vallens has been faulting on his duties to protect our city. I want
to strengthen our forces and cease the intelligent crime gangs that
abuse Skaia.” ]
Vallens has been faulting on his duties to protect our city. I want
to strengthen our forces and cease the intelligent crime gangs that
abuse Skaia.” ]
Your
wording issues are getting outright painful.
wording issues are getting outright painful.
[“At
your stupid meeting yesterday, you involved Jade. And Vriska too I
guess . . .” He adds as an afterthought.
your stupid meeting yesterday, you involved Jade. And Vriska too I
guess . . .” He adds as an afterthought.
“Yes, but Jade and Vriska both said that they were fine-”
“No you idiot, you’re as stupid as both of them.” Karkat
scrunches up his brow, “Listen, I’m about to give you some
worthwhile advice. So open up those pathetic holes in your head
called ears and hear me out. Don’t call out any connections to the
Midnight Crew or the Felt.”
Feferi is undecided, calling out her opponents connections to
mafias was her wild card. She takes a long sip from a nearby glass of
water while Karkat waits impatient. “Karkat that information is
important to tonight’s debate. The people need to know who they are
voting for. I need to use it.”
“And who the fuck told you that, your half-wit of a manager?
Enough of Skaia can already guess that Scratch and Vallens are
involved with organized crime. It’s written on their fucking faces.”
Karkat starts to pace around worried and stressed. “I wasn’t
going to confront you about this, but that-that fucking meeting of
yours yesterday! You just had to involve them! Now if you become too
much a risk they’ll hurt anyone sided with you as a lesson, and I
can’t allow that!” Karkat looks slightly up at the sea dweller
furious, “You should have kept your hands out of this election
completely! They’ll hurt Jade now!”]
So
Karkat’s apparently fine with every other friend of his getting
brutally murdered for their connections with Feferi, but he draws the
line at Jade. Think about what you’re saying! If Karkat’s worried the
gangs will get upset at Feferi’s candidacy, he should be worried for
her and everyone connected with her, not fine as long as she doesn’t
involve Jade.
Karkat’s apparently fine with every other friend of his getting
brutally murdered for their connections with Feferi, but he draws the
line at Jade. Think about what you’re saying! If Karkat’s worried the
gangs will get upset at Feferi’s candidacy, he should be worried for
her and everyone connected with her, not fine as long as she doesn’t
involve Jade.
Well,
at least you didn’t go all out blaming her for putting Sollux in the
spotlight. You balanced things well there.
at least you didn’t go all out blaming her for putting Sollux in the
spotlight. You balanced things well there.
[Allow me to introduce myself, I am Doc
Scratch. For this conversation you’ll refer to me as Doctor
Plushy-Bottom.”
Scratch. For this conversation you’ll refer to me as Doctor
Plushy-Bottom.”
The sea dweller looks around expecting
some type of prank, “What.”
some type of prank, “What.”
“We wouldn’t want anyone to
overhear our conversation would we?”
overhear our conversation would we?”
“I get that, but why Doctor
Plushy-Bottom?”
Plushy-Bottom?”
“Because no one would ever suspect
that you’re talking to me.”
that you’re talking to me.”
Feferi is tempted to hang up, “Is
this a prank?”
this a prank?”
“No my dear, while I do love
pranks, I wouldn’t use such tactics on a serious occasion as this
one. Now look at the screens that I’m sure you have set up all over
your mansion.” Feferi glances up, she is barely leading with the
votes. “Isn’t that a nice feeling? The belief that you could
ever beat me, but you’re not going to win.”
pranks, I wouldn’t use such tactics on a serious occasion as this
one. Now look at the screens that I’m sure you have set up all over
your mansion.” Feferi glances up, she is barely leading with the
votes. “Isn’t that a nice feeling? The belief that you could
ever beat me, but you’re not going to win.”
She gulps, “I will.”
“No. No you won’t.” Those few
words were able to give a sickly feeling in the bottom of Feferi’s
stomach. “You never stood a chance. This election was never
intended for anyone but me to win. Tell me, how do you feel? I am a
certified doctor.”
words were able to give a sickly feeling in the bottom of Feferi’s
stomach. “You never stood a chance. This election was never
intended for anyone but me to win. Tell me, how do you feel? I am a
certified doctor.”
“I feel horrible Doctor
Plushy-Bottom,” she found herself willing tell him.]
Plushy-Bottom,” she found herself willing tell him.]
This does not make any sense. He hasn’t
given her any reason to trust him, and at the moment she’s still
slightly ahead, and also why would she use his term and not oh,
anything else at all, or just not use his name at all? Doc Scratch
doesn’t just mindcontrol his way through everything, he manipulates
because he knows people, but this isn’t fitting Feferi at all.
given her any reason to trust him, and at the moment she’s still
slightly ahead, and also why would she use his term and not oh,
anything else at all, or just not use his name at all? Doc Scratch
doesn’t just mindcontrol his way through everything, he manipulates
because he knows people, but this isn’t fitting Feferi at all.
It keeps mentioning the Midnight
Crew, but they never actually appear! So disappointing. On the other hand, the PM I got from the author explaining why I’m wrong about everything makes up for it. It is some quality shit.
Crew, but they never actually appear! So disappointing. On the other hand, the PM I got from the author explaining why I’m wrong about everything makes up for it. It is some quality shit.
And with that, we finish up
February!
February!
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9070464/1/Midnight-Crew-Adopt
(Doc Scratch, SS, Gamzee (Everyone else))(Also wow writing that
impresses me in consistent it is that the girls get shoved off to the
side.)
(Doc Scratch, SS, Gamzee (Everyone else))(Also wow writing that
impresses me in consistent it is that the girls get shoved off to the
side.)
Hm. Well, it’s
interesting to see somewhat different combinations of kids, though
still, most of them don’t fit – Deuce having Nepeta as well as
Sollux is perfect, Boxcars getting Equius as well as Tavros works,
Eridan being with Slick just seems kind of random, personalitywise,
giving Droog Feferi works well with her but you’ve saddled Aradia
with him as usual and as usual strict rich guy parent and expensive
private school isn’t really something that makes any sense with her
personality. And while Kanaya and Gamzee both have a connection to
Doc Scratch, his personality really doesn’t fit either of theirs.
interesting to see somewhat different combinations of kids, though
still, most of them don’t fit – Deuce having Nepeta as well as
Sollux is perfect, Boxcars getting Equius as well as Tavros works,
Eridan being with Slick just seems kind of random, personalitywise,
giving Droog Feferi works well with her but you’ve saddled Aradia
with him as usual and as usual strict rich guy parent and expensive
private school isn’t really something that makes any sense with her
personality. And while Kanaya and Gamzee both have a connection to
Doc Scratch, his personality really doesn’t fit either of theirs.
Beyond that, well,
not much of a story – it’s half taken up just listing everyone and
then it’s not too important chatter about school stuff.
not much of a story – it’s half taken up just listing everyone and
then it’s not too important chatter about school stuff.
Actually, you know what’d work for
Aradia being Droog’s kid? Droog not giving any fucks. He keeps her in
a separate apartment and has a housekeeper handle her, rather than
enforcing a dress code and violin lessons. Really, the trolls
generally work better with more hands-off parents. And come to think
of it, Tavros would fit so much better with Deuce.
Aradia being Droog’s kid? Droog not giving any fucks. He keeps her in
a separate apartment and has a housekeeper handle her, rather than
enforcing a dress code and violin lessons. Really, the trolls
generally work better with more hands-off parents. And come to think
of it, Tavros would fit so much better with Deuce.
Hm. Sollux and Tavros with Deuce.
Nepeta goes with Boxcars and Equius – has the theoretical problem
of a moirailship with a sibling, but the non-fucking moirail
interpretations are generally non-romantic and the trolls don’t care
about incest anyway, and sibling relationships might actually be a
better fit for moirails anyway. Karkat goes with Aradia, they’re both
of similar blood and Slick wouldn’t police her interests. She’s
probably always off at camps. If we’re allowed to involve other
characters, maybe she even lived with her mom in the country until
recently. Then Droog gets Feferi and Eridan for his sins, and he just
sends them off to the dormy kinds of private schools and goes on with
his life. There, that even has the benefit of preserving why Feferi
feels responsible for Eridan while beautifully cockblocking him.
Anyone who wants to ship the two in this version would have to paddle
out that much farther from the baseline.
Nepeta goes with Boxcars and Equius – has the theoretical problem
of a moirailship with a sibling, but the non-fucking moirail
interpretations are generally non-romantic and the trolls don’t care
about incest anyway, and sibling relationships might actually be a
better fit for moirails anyway. Karkat goes with Aradia, they’re both
of similar blood and Slick wouldn’t police her interests. She’s
probably always off at camps. If we’re allowed to involve other
characters, maybe she even lived with her mom in the country until
recently. Then Droog gets Feferi and Eridan for his sins, and he just
sends them off to the dormy kinds of private schools and goes on with
his life. There, that even has the benefit of preserving why Feferi
feels responsible for Eridan while beautifully cockblocking him.
Anyone who wants to ship the two in this version would have to paddle
out that much farther from the baseline.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9085124/1/All-the-Time-in-the-World
(Aradiacester (Doc Scratch, Doloresa, Signless))
(Aradiacester (Doc Scratch, Doloresa, Signless))
Eh. This fits
poorly into canon and seems to be really softballing what happened to
her. She wouldn’t be sent out early as a kid at all because she only
gets sent out once she’s so suicidal she’ll do whatever they want to
die, she didn’t get to wander the mansion because Scratch explicitly
says she stays locked in her room, and I really don’t understand why
you tried to emphasize that when she attempted suicide within minutes
of us first meeting her, that was totally the only time she ever
tried it. Certainly Scratch seems to think it’s business as usual and
again, his entire plan for forcing her to do everything is based
around her being willing to do anything to just die.
poorly into canon and seems to be really softballing what happened to
her. She wouldn’t be sent out early as a kid at all because she only
gets sent out once she’s so suicidal she’ll do whatever they want to
die, she didn’t get to wander the mansion because Scratch explicitly
says she stays locked in her room, and I really don’t understand why
you tried to emphasize that when she attempted suicide within minutes
of us first meeting her, that was totally the only time she ever
tried it. Certainly Scratch seems to think it’s business as usual and
again, his entire plan for forcing her to do everything is based
around her being willing to do anything to just die.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9124220/1/Something-Unexpected
(Caliborn, Jack Noir)
(Caliborn, Jack Noir)
Hm. That’s an
interesting theory.
interesting theory.
Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
Anyway. The
opening’s decent, but most of the chapter is you just summarizing
your storyline. This is the sort of stuff that’d be really
interesting if it was slowly revealed as the story spun out, but is
really dull just being told directly. And worse, it’s not even
particularly coherent, probably because you’ve got to stuff the
various characters in and so you’re letting causality fall by the
wayside – the Midnight Crew takes power somehow, slowly, until they
can finally kick the king and queen out, then rebellion because
everyone hated them but somehow this wasn’t a factor in their rise to
power, and suddenly Condesce appears right afterward from nowhere,
and then the previous king and queen somehow get enough power to
defeat her when they couldn’t do anything about the Midnight Crew or
even step back in upon the rebellion defeating them. Also, Prospit
got blown up at some point by her. But somehow Skaia is still
contested by Derse, apparently because it’s a third kingdom entirely.
opening’s decent, but most of the chapter is you just summarizing
your storyline. This is the sort of stuff that’d be really
interesting if it was slowly revealed as the story spun out, but is
really dull just being told directly. And worse, it’s not even
particularly coherent, probably because you’ve got to stuff the
various characters in and so you’re letting causality fall by the
wayside – the Midnight Crew takes power somehow, slowly, until they
can finally kick the king and queen out, then rebellion because
everyone hated them but somehow this wasn’t a factor in their rise to
power, and suddenly Condesce appears right afterward from nowhere,
and then the previous king and queen somehow get enough power to
defeat her when they couldn’t do anything about the Midnight Crew or
even step back in upon the rebellion defeating them. Also, Prospit
got blown up at some point by her. But somehow Skaia is still
contested by Derse, apparently because it’s a third kingdom entirely.
See, there’s just
no flow here. Say the Midnight Crew managed the coup by discrediting
the current royals and moving into the power vacuum, but weren’t good
at holding onto the power once they had it, and then Condesce came in
and took over the budding rebellion to get herself on top, that’d be
one event following another. And then say it’s her attacking Prospit
that makes her overreach herself enough that the original royalty can
make a bid at regaining the throne.
no flow here. Say the Midnight Crew managed the coup by discrediting
the current royals and moving into the power vacuum, but weren’t good
at holding onto the power once they had it, and then Condesce came in
and took over the budding rebellion to get herself on top, that’d be
one event following another. And then say it’s her attacking Prospit
that makes her overreach herself enough that the original royalty can
make a bid at regaining the throne.
Also, really not a
good idea to have your plot be that everything was great when humans
were rulers and they just need more human rulers to fix everything,
because “this class of people are not fit to run anything”
is just a bad thing to find yourself saying.
good idea to have your plot be that everything was great when humans
were rulers and they just need more human rulers to fix everything,
because “this class of people are not fit to run anything”
is just a bad thing to find yourself saying.
WV (Roxy)
Slick (Snowman)
Karkat, Feferi (Kanaya, Vriska,
Jade)
Jade)
Doc Scratch, SS, Gamzee (Everyone
else)
else)
Aradiacester (Doc Scratch, Doloresa,
Signless)
Signless)
Caliborn, Jack Noir
MOC (FOC))
Two of seven.
Wordcount: 2198 (8606)