Up to January 11th!

I Am The Mayor (WV (PM, Serenity))

[The coffee was cold as I swallowed a mouthful. I suppose that was just one of the consequences of being an investigator in a large city—coffee was never warm. Warm coffee meant money and nobody had money, except for the Tab. ]

Uh…to make a pot of coffee involves heating it.

And finding tab was a really positive thing for them, so it’s weird for that to be negative in an AU.

[Even though I was supposed to be an agent of the Law, they had money—resources. ]

Also, not sure why you have WV in this role and not AR, who is all about the Law.

[ and walked rolled out from under my desk.]

Not quite sure what you were trying to say here.

[I saw my name in big, bold letters: “WAYWARD VAGABOND, P.I.”]

The carapaces seem to change names when they change roles, so he would probably have a new name here.

[“Mister Vagabond?” Miss Mendicant asked as I stepped out of my office. “Is everything okay, Sir?”]

What’s PM doing here? She’d better not be his secretary or something.

[ They were just individual drones of Cantown. They were all moving in their own way without paying any attention to anyone else. It was reasons like this, their apathy, which allowed the Tab to keep their hold over the people. They didn’t care, but that’s what made people like me important. I was a Private Investigator—I was a simple carapacian trying to do the right thing in a world which seemed to be against him.]

Really seems like he should be AR. WV cared a lot about people and was more about inspiring them to work together than doing the right thing on his own.

[And she was lying in a puddle of black liquid—blood.]

They have red blood. And if you mean it’s too dark to see the color, he probably shouldn’t be saying her dress is bright gold and shell is shiny.

[“Droog is in prison; your friend is in the Morgue. Hope you learned your lesson, because next time it’ll be you.

-Slick”]

If the police force isn’t corrupt, which is what successfully imprisoning Droog suggests, then can’t WV just get Slick imprisoned as well since he left a note confessing to the crime? Also, she’s pretty obviously not in the morgue, unless you mean for it to be Slick fumbling his attempt at a clever line.

Scotty Dog Soup (Ms Paint, Slick)

[The woman was slightly taken aback. “That was rather rude, Mr. Slick. I’m actually quite offended, I spent a lot of time preparing this soup, only to have you compare it to an oil spill?”]

I don’t really see why the sort of person who’s “quite offended” someone says a comparatively mild thing would be interested in Slick in the first place. If she didn’t like how he usually is, where’s her crush coming from?

[Spades Slick flushed, and turned his face into his pillow to obscure it. “Sorry. Ms. Paint.”]

Also Slick really isn’t the sort of person to immediately apologize. It’s not that he’s a nice person who sometimes says things without thinking, he’s a stabhappy asshole.

[ Ms. Paint chimed]

The fact you can say “chimed in” doesn’t mean “chimed” by itself works as a speech tag. Just use said instead of trying to dance around and using the wrong word entirely.

[“I’m giving you an introduction to Matespritshipping.” she grinned, slipping her delicate fingers between Slick’s. “Seeing you really have no idea when it comes to red romance!”]

The carapaces don’t have exactly the same sort of romance as the trolls. Regardless, it wouldn’t be capitalized.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

[“How am I supposed to… show someone I have red feelings for them?” growled Spades through gritted teeth, feeling incredibly flustered about the whole thing. “By stabbing them in the chest?”
“Goodness me, no!” exclaimed the light-skinned woman, shocked. “Acts of hateful violence are reserved for black romance only. The best way to show somebody you have red feelings for them… is a kiss!”
“A kiss? Bleurgh!” blurted Slick, who wasn’t too keen on that idea. “That’s disgustingly vile! ]

This seems to be a backward way of looking at it. If he wants to stab someone, he doesn’t have red feelings. Also, Slick kisses Snowman, so it’s something he’s already familiar with and not something exclusive to red feelings.

[“Wait!” the hoarse voice from underneath the duvet cried out. “You’re coming back… right?”
“Only if you want me to.” Ms. Paint simpered. “Would you like me to come back?”
“Yes… That would be most pleasing.”]

STOP WRITING THIS SHIP AS “MS PAINT TRIES TO MAKE SLICK BEHAVE LIKE A NORMAL PERSON” AND HAVE HER ACTUALLY LIKE BEING AROUND HIM

In fact honestly this seems like it’d make so much more sense if it was Caliborn.

The Session (Female (Male))

[ A soft telepathic voice echoes through the passage.]

It can’t echo if it’s telepathic. Echos are caused by sound waves bouncing off hard surfaces.

[but is disappointed at it just being a Rattata]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.

Also, that’d sound better if it was “disappointed to find it was” instead.

[“I’d rather not.” Jirachi replies]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

[“Well we can’t postpone entering until NINETY- FIVE YEARS FROM NOW!” Mews voice is so loud that some white humanoids with carapaces stops for a moment, before resuming their activities. “We’d all be killed!”]

“Mew’s” and “stop”, and you don’t need that comma.

Also, can’t they? The meteors happen because they play the game that causes the meteors, and it seems like they’re the only players. Granted, given how time works, it could be that the game will send the meteors on the date it decides they should play, but it seems to sync it to people actually running the game. Plus presumably they’re the only players on the planet, so couldn’t they just not play at all and not doom their world?

Also, Mew is roughly as powerful as another pokemon that decided to destroy the world in a fit of temper. The legendaries shouldn’t be getting killed off by a couple meteors.

[“Smug little prick.” Her hand flashed white, and she slaps him hard on the cheek. His eyes snap open and he glares at Mew, rubbing the spot where she hit. “I hate you. I hate you and all of your moves.”]

This has two speakers and therefore needs to be two separate paragraphs. Also, that should be “flashes”.

[“I can keep doing that until you faint, and then I can enter you.”]

What?

The Session Ch2

[She lays her front paws on the top, and a green light shines above it. Celebi appears, one wing cut up and drooping. “What mortal… Oh hello Mew, what is it?”

Mew sighs. “Can I get Celebi from before entering?”]

But – upon entering, Celebi is moved to another physical location and in another universe entirely. So how could future Celebi on another planet on another plane of existence appear here?

[Mew hands her a pair of envelopes and a laptop, before vanishing. Celebi installs the discs contained within]

Given they’re pokemon and all, it’d probably make more sense for them to be running the game in a different way than laptops and CDs.

And anything would have been a better idea than having them use a chat program to type their conversation, down to the standard handles. They’re both PSYCHIC, they should be able to communicate over long distances on their own if you need them to.

And now Mew’s taking on the annoying role of the character who already knows exactly what to do and just spends the fic walking people through entering. If nothing interesting happens on the way into the game, just skip it.

[TG: What did that accomplish.
TG: I just wasted a grass gem.
AT: but…
AT: you had to do that!
AT: its in the rules.]

Prototyping is, but using a gem wasn’t. It could have been anything.

The Session Ch4

[She starts running, cursing the effect on her powers caused by the dark pillars that are all over the place]

What’s the point of having legendaries playing the game if you remove their powers? Just make it regular Mystery Dungeon sort of pokemon if you want a lower power scale.

Seriously why would you do that.

…but at least it’s done! That is the end of FFN Homestuck fic. Join me in a month when I return to dive into whatever new tedium people manage to wring from pokemon. Maybe there’ll be more fics in which the insanely powerful ancient animal gods have none of their power and are indistinguishable from regular people!

One more FFN fic, by request:

The Long War (MOC (OCs))

You’re missing punctuation at the ends of some of your dialogue.

[“Go ahead major.”]
[“Thank you Major, that all?”]

And you’re not capitalizing consistently.

So hm. This seems to follow a similar plot to what I remember of the original episode, could probably stand to trim down a lot of the grumbling about annoying civilians and such since that’s all predictable and start it at the attack itself, where they’re fighting their own computer systems more than the ship on the show.

You characterize the commander decently, but like with the plot, he’s pretty similar to the show. Honestly, it seems it’d be more interesting to show a commander who liked the non-warfare tourguide life than one longing to escape it having to rise to the occasion of an attack.

All Creatures Grim and Grotesque (Kanaya (Rose, Horrorterror))

Now we wait for the crisis to strike, so that we can avert it.

What a lovely Rose line.

And oh, of course a troll wouldn’t be swayed by the babyness of any creature.

Sashimi gave a weak but amiable chirrup at them, and Kanaya almost felt bad.

Cute.

Most often, though, her visits were for something she called “behavioral enrichment,” which, as far as Kanaya could tell, meant tossing some hapless inanimate object to Sashimi, watching him destroy it thoroughly and in incredibly disconcerting ways, and then cleaning up the wide-flung and usually somewhat slimy mess that resulted.
One day a few weeks into the whole ordeal, Kanaya walked in to find Rose fondly observing Sashimi slowly rip the stuffing out of an oversized teddy bear, which he had impaled through the abdomen with his tentacles.

Wonderful image. Aren’t they at all worried he might try that on people? Or is Rose just assumed safe due to being god tier?

“Oh Rose, Can’t You Understand That I Am A Dangerous And Soulless Monster? I Am Nothing But A Burden To Those I Love And You Mustn’t Try To See Me Anymore. This Is The Skin Of A Killer, Rose.”

Sparkling emo vampires will never not be funny.

Which was when Sashimi, apparently upset at having lost his audience, chucked the disemboweled corpse of the teddy bear at their heads.

Hm, so the horrorterrors are social creatures?

“Look, Kanaya!” Rose said excitedly. “I think he’s trying to imitate the consoling gesture he observed me performing the last time he saw you get upset.”

This is hilariously adorable.

And the ending is perfect. They need to adopt some horrible eldtrich monster together once they finish the game.

It is with particular joy I review this, because other people, ones who who sit around not reviewing me or even responding halfway politely to the reviews I give them, are complaining about the length, speediness and order of my reviews. ::::P to you.

Two Grubs Is One Too Many (Boxcars (Aurthur, Equius, Deuce))

It thrashes again and you grunt, squeezing it tighter, trying to simultaneously keep it still and not pop it like a fish egg.

Wouldn’t it make more sense to be holding it more loosely and away from his body so there’s less for it to hit in its thrashing?

You tell him you got the information from a troll adult through a troll teenager through a human girl and that there were enough dames in the equation that somebody had to know what they were talking about.

Neither carapaces nor trolls seem like they have any gendered childrearing.

“So I couldn’t get a stroller!” he shouts at one gaping woman.

Dropped into third person there.

And hm. Going into this I thought it’d be interesting to finally see a stabdads setup that wasn’t going with the set kids. You do a good job of explaining why he knows Authuro and thinks the guy’s a good pick, but it just raises the question of why the crew can’t do that for the rest of the grubs, and also, this seems less a traditional story and more trying to arrange people in the proper slots, which is generally less interesting.

The setness of the stabdad AU is enough to tempt me to write some completely different setup. Right after I write some far more vindictive mobsterswitch thing.

A Lively Old Dance (MP (SS, Hussie))

“Hello, Mr. Slick! Are you feeling any better today?”
Whatever he’s feeling, he doesn’t say. The man gives her a dark stare. Probably too tired to give her a proper glare. Well, from what Andrew told her, he’d just had to kill the hate of his life and got the snot kicked out of him just before that.

It’s nice to see Ms Paint being so unflappable.

Consciousness (AR (Bec Noir))

You refuse to have him neglected from your future.

“Neglected” doesn’t seem like the right word. “Missing” or something like that would fit better.

And my, this was impressively dismal.

WV (PM, Serenity)
Ms Paint, Slick
Female (Male)
Kanaya (Rose, Horrorterror)
Boxcars (Aurthur, Equius, Deuce)
MP (SS, Hussie)
AR (Bec Noir)

Four of seven.

Page 369.

Wordcount: 61246!

And in conclusion:


My Little Bumble Bee by LittleBassBoy reviews
I wrote this fic for my moirail It contains Erisol! You have been warned
Rated: M – English – Romance – Chapters: 1 – Words: 1,501 – Reviews: 1 – Favs: 2 – Follows: 1 – Published: 11-28-12 – Eridan A. & Sollux C. – Complete

God damn it, Homestuck fandom.