12/22/11-2/06/12
Plastic Blue (Doze (Snowman, Itchy))
Doze seems too childish in this. It doesn’t seem, like Itchy said, like this is a particular phobia and otherwise he’s brave, but just like he’s generally pretty timid. Showing some sign that Doze’s behavior during the storm is significantly different than usual, like Itchy being particularly surprised he’s scared because Doze is generally calm in actually dangerous situations, would have helped make him seem more like an adult who’s got a weak point than a kid.
Somehow I missed this over on AOOOOOOOO.
Sugoi Loves (Terezi, Doc Scratch)
That seemed pointless. You could do something like this with any combination of characters, it’s just saying their name, saying a thing about the other character, and then declaring love.
Unwanted Drama (MOC, FOC, Droog (Slick, Deuce, Boxcars, Doc Scratch?))
[Avogadro walked down the alley way, hands in his pockets. This was the city he was “born” in. Born in the figurative sense that he was passed out in a gutter, with nothing but the clothes on his back and his name in his head. He looked at his hand, and bent the space around it. This power, had it lead to his amnesia? Would he ever know? Heh, these answers weren’t going to be found here, in the black city… the city of sin…]
I don’t see why not. He thinks he remembers his name, so he can see if there’s an Avogadro anyone knows or record of him. If he can track down people who knew him before, they might be able to tell him if he had space powers before – if not then it’s likely the powers are connected to his amnesia, otherwise probably unrelated. Also, has he checked those pockets? The clothes on your back often contain such additional things as wallets, which could provide an address, and of course if he finds business cards advertising his spacey powers that’d tell him a lot. And so on.
[The room belonged to a woman. Kuri-iro no Hime.]
Firstly, no, you don’t need gratuitous Japanese. Secondly, no, there wouldn’t be some Japanese princess here.
[Her friend left. At least she couldn’t touch a cent of their combined earnings… Kuri kept that in a personal bank account.]
And why was Kuri keeping her friend’s earnings in her own personal account? No wonder the poor person ditched her.
[ These damn skyscrapers, blotting out the light so the creatures of the night could propagate with out fear. Photosensitive bastards, this place could do without them.]
Is this literal? Because it sounds literal yet I can’t see why there would be vampires or whatever running around.
[. He came up to his current living area, but the doors were closed and he didn’t feel like opening them. Space warped around him, eradicating the gap between him and the foyer of the hotel. He stopped right in front of a girl, he didn’t bother to look at her reaction. People were always gawking at him for what he could do, and he wasn’t about to become some woman’s personal freak show. He walked past her, bumping into her shoulder by accident. Under normal circumstances, he would have apologized. But today wasn’t a good day, not today, the day he was “born.”]
How does he know all this stuff if he has amnesia and it’s still the first day of his new life?
[ “Excuse you.” She said]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
[Avogadro sat in his hotel room. He couldn’t sleep, his head was throbbing. Why was it like this? Why couldn’t have a normal life, if not just something a bit nicer? He pulled out his gun, and just looked at it. “Huh, suicide? You know that doesn’t work.” He said out loud to no one in particular. ]
This is getting increasingly incoherent.
[Somethings gone and upset this child, and he’d be damned if he didn’t at least try to cheer her up. “I know you don’t really know who I am, but let me at least introduce myself. They call me Diamonds Droog]
Droog isn’t a nice person.
[“Pfffffft, is that really the ONLY person who comes to mind when I mention the Midnight Crew?” Droogs was beside himself, he didn’t really know how she would only DEUCE. He was basically the only one stupid enough to be their explosives expert. ]
Because he’s also the only one stupid enough to make himself obvious? Really, being well known isn’t necessarily a positive.
[but it’s volume]
Its.
[Droogs saw here come in, wearing a pretty new dress. Hmph all dolled up to see the midnight crew I guess.]
You really, really need to proofread better.
[ “Alright boys, I’ll be takin’ it from here. Hope you don’t mind Slick.” Slick indeed minded, but in a pissing match Droogs was sure to win. So Slick consceded]
Why would Droog win when Slick’s the one in charge?
[It told a story of loss, betrayal, and despair. But it also spoke of trying again, and learning from your mistakes. Empathy over Entropy, a perfect rendition of the creed of the Midnight Crew.]
That makes no sense. Do you know what empathy means?
[ A girl would have her heart, bittered by betrayal, thawed, just a little, by the warmth of a promising friend. And a Derse man would have a little spark to encourage the fire of his heart left smoldering from a stagnant life.]
Droog is ridiculously OOC.
Doesn’t get better.
This also is the last 2011 fic. After this point, I’m beyond where I was on AOOOOOOOO.
Not Even Slick (Snowman (Slick, Crowbar))
[ 12 blithering morons]
Write out numbers with letters.
[a stupid Kismesis.]
Doesn’t need to be capitalized.
This doesn’t do a very good job of selling the conflict. I think it’s because it’s entirely introspective and without much support. Introspective stories tend to be weak as it is. If you’re showing that a character’s internal feelings are very different from how they outwardly behave, you need to tie that to them acting in the same way as they usually do and/or spend a lot of time explaining why they feel that way. Right now, this is just telling the reader Snowman is feeling a way people wouldn’t expect. She isn’t doing anything about in a way that fits her character (likely, doing something terrible to get back at Slick before sitting around contemplating that she still feels awful), and you don’t really explore why she feels this way either, you stop once you finish establishing it.
The Black King (Karkat (Trolls, Black King))
Paragraphing has rules. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph.
[Tavros squealed and covered his eyes.]
[ He gestured to the obviously scared Tavros. ]
Tavros is not actually a pathetic sobbing wimp.
[Aradia and her multiple clones lifted into the air]
Multiple isn’t a particularly good description for thousands.
This is pretty bland. You’re just listing off what each character does. This happens, then this, then this. It seems to go much faster than in canon as well – there’s not the big gap between Gamzee’s attack and Vriska’s finishing blow implied by Karkat saying Gamzee attacked once and went back to being useless for the rest of the battle, and it isn’t even much of a finishing blow, since you make it clear Gamzee’s blow almost did the job.
Build (WV (PM))
[You try to explain as best you can through hand motions and gestures, but she doesn’t seem to catch on.]
They can talk. They use radios.
Beyond that, this is cute and I like PM’s solution.
Where the fuck did the mute idea come from and why the fuck is it so damn persistent?
Of Moonlit Dreams (Doze (Snowman))
Hm. The atmosphere here is nice, but there’s nothing much that’s particularly Doze here – you could have used just about any Felt member.
[ “Go do it with Scratch, or someone.”
Snowman catches him by the arm, latching on with a grip that is forcefully tight. “That bastard always steps on my toes.]
It doesn’t make much sense that Scratch would be clumsy like that. It’d work better to say another Felt member or, since he’s bitter about it, Slick.
Years In The Future: Too Many (WV)
Beautifully written.
[He read the Reckoning Survival Manuals back on Derse; he knew in theory what to do.
It was just that before he landed here, he’d never realized just how big a world could be.]
I’m not quite sure that that is – to join up with others? Rebuild? Or just how to survive, as the description says?
Doze (Snowman, Itchy)
Terezi, Doc Scratch
MOC, FOC, Droog (Slick, Deuce, Boxcars, Doc Scratch?)
Snowman (Slick, Crowbar)
Karkat (Trolls, Black King)
WV (PM)
Doze (Snowman)
WV
Two of eight.
Reached page 156. Until now I’ve been within the same time range as I already reviewed on AOOOOOOO. Carapace fic is also rarer here and getting rarer still as I go. There’s pages without a single carapace fic now.
Wordcount: 7512