02/11/12-3/12/12
All That Jazz Ch3 (Clover (Itchy, FOC))
Ah, this fic again!
[ ‘Hello, ma’am, we’re here on behalf of a guy who manages a high-end club on behalf of another guy, and we are going to make you a deal you can’t refuse because our normal lead is down for the count!’ ]
Wait, do they mean Snowman? What happened to her?
[we gotta look like we’re one guy when we go into this restaurant, and, to be honest, I couldn’t hold his fat ass on my shoulders, and he, being the limp lard sack that he is, sure as shit couldn’t hold me on his. ]
What. Why would that be a good idea? I mean, I guess they might try something ridiculous, but how much could it possibly help? Especially when aren’t they still all green and distinctive?
[hiring the new voice until Snow gets back]
So is she just vanished, or out of commission? “Down for the count” sounds like she’s sick or injured, “gets back” sounds like she’s off somewhere.
[Clover opened his mouth to retaliate, but then decided he still wasn’t in the mood for a fight with only one possible outcome. Itchy would deny it until the end, but he was as transparent as glass, and Clover could see right through him. He didn’t need to argue with Itchy to know the man had some interesting feelings for his temporal counterpart. Poorly-concealed feelings that that often went unnoticed by the very person they were intended for. And there was no point in trying to knock some sense into a love-struck fool.]
You don’t really need the rest of this paragraph. The first sentence makes it clear Clover doesn’t believe Itchy and is only giving up the argument because Itchy won’t admit it, so you don’t need to spell it out again.
[ we minus well be]
Might as.
Huh, so now there’s a mysterious shootout. So, mysterious something going on with Snowman, mysterious note, mysterious shootout… I really hope this updates again, because I want to find out what’s going on.
Seriously, I want to know. The worst discontinued fic are the ones with mysteries.
Of mispellings, webcams, and piss jokes (MOC, FOC (Itchy))
It’s “misspellings”.
This doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. It’s hard to make out their characters beneath all the endless sex banter, and nothing much else is happening.
Ten Seconds (WQ (WK, Bec Noir))
[Two are from Durst]
Derse. I think she’d remember the name.
[The war started to get bad. Really bad. Your king went down to the battlefield despite your protests, and fought alongside his men.]
She also sounds rather impulsive and speaks a lot more simply than in the few lines we’ve seen in canon. She knows the war is inevitable and Prospit is doomed.
You do well detailing the situation and filling in all the little details, but your WQ voice really needs work.
Assholes love spiders Ch5 (Vriska (Jack))
Hm. While I’m impressed you didn’t go for the easy way out with these of just writing vague shippy fics with different names each time, but if you’re going to do some odd kink, you need to give a little more setup. Why is Jack forcefeeding Vriska cake? Why is he still called Jack if he’s in exile and at a point where there’s milk and cake on hand? It seems like there’s something going on but it’s not clear what.
Served (Droog, Slick)
[The situation can be summed up with a few misunderstandings. Droog doesn’t know that Slick struck out last night at the jazz club they visited so he’s trying to figure out what he did wrong by testing himself out on his right-hand man, but Slick doesn’t know that Droog doesn’t know, so he in turn doesn’t know that Droog is taking this quite seriously.]
…but why would Slick assume Droog knew if Droog had no way of knowing? I mean, I was going with the idea Slick just didn’t think that far, but then you have the paragraph explaining things that just raises more questions.
[“So Slick, is that a knife in your pocket, because your pants are looking pretty… sharp.”]
This seems like it’d be a better witty conclusion if Droog had thought it up on his own rather than repeating what Slick said a little earlier.
Tarot (Die (Clover))
[Was solitude really what his patchwork heart desired?]
Die’s internal monologue seems a tad too purple prosy.
[ his Tarot deck]
Pretty sure that shouldn’t be capitalized.
[The present, the pile that would advise him on what he was to do about his foolish associates. Would he kill them all now and stay forever away in his time-wrought confinement, or would he choose a different path?]
Why does it have to be forever? The doll works both ways and does so instantly. He can stab all the pins, go sulk a while, then come back to a timeline with as many of them as he likes.
[The Lovers.
Die’s body was suddenly overcome with shakes, and slowly his stoic face molded itself into a visage of white-hot rage. He swung his arm out in a sweeping motion, sending the cards fluttering off the desk and onto the floor in a flurry of paper. Die then sank to the floor, his face shielded by his spindly hands, and began to scream.
“Even the very spirits themselves mock me!]
Uh…why?
I’m not really that aware of what the cards mean, and they can also have different interpretations for a given person. Really, the most I know is that they aren’t just the obvious meaning of their name. So I have no idea what Die’s interpretation here that’s so enraging is, beyond that it’s presumably not lol you don’t have a lover.
If you’re having a character do tarot readings, it’s really important to have them explain exactly what they think is going on. Even a reader who does know the meanings might interpret a given reading very differently.
[Curse the blasphemous shades!]
Also blasphemy really doesn’t seem like the right word. The sort of person who believes in tarot cards probably isn’t the sort who believes in a specific god to blaspheme against.
[Die swallowed nervously. He bony shoulders shook in fear of what Clover might say. Die had never met someone who understood before, and neither had he ever felt this way about anyone, especially so suddenly. Everything was terrifying. “Clover, I would just like to, perhaps, may I kiss your cheek?”]
It’s really hard to believe he cares about the injured cat when the story’s focus immediately shifts to shippy stuff with Clover. Injured animals, especially horribly mangled ones in a lot of pain, should really get priority. It’d work better to have him fix the cat up first, with Clover sticking around, and then shift to the Die/Clover stuff for the end.
[ “You needn’t fear me like that.” ]
Your dialogue is really formal and stiff. Just Die talking like this is okay because it’s possible he might, but having both your characters talking the same unusual way really doesn’t work.
Authors really need to not bring up animals and then drop them again. I quit a book once because the author kept mentioning animals in situations were they needed intervention as soon as possible and then having the plot keep wandering along as if nothing was wrong.
After Midnight (Slick (Midnight Crew, Felt, Snowman, Doc Scratch))
I like your Slick voice in this, but this could stand to follow the canon sequence a little more closely. Slick’s invasion of the Felt mansion wasn’t methodically wiping them out, it was an attempt to get into the safe that just involved a lot of death because that’s how they are. And Slick shouldn’t be confused by events because they were relatively clear by the end. That sort of thing.
Yay, I’ve caught up to this again!
…wow, it’s been almost a year since I updated.
Tick-Tock (Droog (Boxcars, Deuce, Clover, Slick))
[ Sn0wman]
It’s just Snowman. The comic just codes in a white o.
Hm, interesting. Most people do the punch as a straightforward jump in time, I don’t think I’ve ever seen what seems like future awareness followed by popping back in time to when the punch happened.
[Droog’s still glancing about the room looking for Slick while he replies, “and how did you go about doing that, exactly?”]
When you start a line of dialogue, you always capitalize it, even in situations like this.
[He laughs harder. “You naive little bitch, so loyal to your boss, so trusting. Yet you know shit-all about his intentions. He pried the safe open with that crowbar. One thousand years of bad luck is nothing to him. All he cares about is getting in that safe. Maybe he didn’t here, but he sure did in another timeline. That’s all that matters, right? Because in the end he’s going to destroy the fucking universe anyway!”]
This really doesn’t sound like Clover. Clover is just the weirdo who likes to do riddles. The comic even notes he doesn’t seem to care about affiliations and will help them out if they solve his riddles, they just don’t do that because it’s annoying.
Hm, that’s a clever way to get to Slick’s timeline. Relying on Clover to get back doesn’t make much sense, though – his power doesn’t seem to cover that, and his power isn’t based on rhyming either. (Plus, given the number of timelines, if he could move timelines the threat wouldn’t work, he could just jump to a third where Boxcars and Deuce aren’t waiting for him. And that’s without wondering if it’s even possible to force Clover to do something unlucky without it counting as bad luck.) Since Slick should still have the voodoo doll, that seems like a better way of moving, since it seems to transport you to the site of the death.
Tick-Tock Ch2 (Droog (Boxcars, Deuce, Clover, Slick))
[ Droog’s vision blank and white as the whiplash makes him nearly pass out]
I think you’re missing “goes” there, and I’m not sure if that blank should be black – seems pretty redundant otherwise. A lot of this looks somewhat choppy, like you could stand to do a final proofread.
[damzel]
Also, spellcheck.
[“Open,” he demands, and Droog complies. He pulls him down not by his collar, but by the cuts in his arm, digging his fingers deeper, clashing teeth against teeth, tongue against blood-craving tongue.
Hate-snogging.
Or rather, Slick’s way of coping. It’s not that he hates Droog, per se. This is just the way he’s resorted to letting out his frustration.]
Then why call it hatesnogs? It’s weird to be taking the term we got in canon for kismesis stuff, then backing away from it again. This seems like it’d flow better if it just went straight to “Slick’s way of coping.”
Droog seems really submissive in this. I guess part of it is that we’re seeing the lengths he’s going to for Slick but not so much what he’s getting out of this – having some hint of what else Slick is capable of when not injured and messed up would be nice.
Tick-Tock Ch3 (Droog (MC, Matchsticks))
[“So it was in the Felt mansion. This whole time?” The crew leader lets that sink in for a moment. “Why would they lock my command center away, behind a giant time paradox safe door? More importantly, why would that bitch lock me in there when I finally got inside? Wouldn’t she want me to stay out if it was so important?”]
Ah yes, one of the great Intermission questions.
[Droog can’t help but observe him now and then, though. Can’t help but notice that he’s not eager about another heist. Can’t help but notice how content he is just lazing around. It makes him wonder if his state of mind has changed at all since the other day, despite his efforts. If this is the same Slick or not.]
What makes Droog think it isn’t just the drugs?
Ooh, Matchsticks!
[Frustration fills the hideout by the second night. They have enough food for now but Slick’s drugs are running out. Less and less doses in order to compensate. More and more irritation from his right shoulder. ]
Why can’t they just get more? I mean, normally someone getting your refill and then wandering off before giving you it would be a problem, but they’re mobsters. I’d expect Slick to just get livid at Droog he didn’t get his meds on time, then order the others to get more.
[“You did something idiotic, didn’t you.” His voice is barely over a whisper, but the anger in it is obvious.
Droog sighs and shakes his head. He can’t know. “It doesn’t matter. I’m here and-“]
Why, though?
It seems like getting a robotic arm that somehow has to do with a Felt member is something you shouldn’t keep secret, just in case it has a control switch or something and starts strangling him the next time he does something they don’t like. I guess I could see it if Droog is really sure the arm will help and doesn’t want Slick to turn it down, but…
[Despite doing all of this for Slick, for him, he’s still a fucking traitor.]
Huh. So what’d he have to do for it, then?
[Droog almost laughs.
They’ve switched roles. Slick no longer cares. He’s moved on. And yet here’s Droog, trying to fix something that doesn’t need fixing. Trying to pick him up when he’s already running.]
…but in that case, isn’t it better not to do the arm in case something’s off with it? Or is Droog really sure that the arm itself is safe, whatever price he might have paid to get it?
[“No.” I can’t lose it. I’m the punching bag. That’s my job.]
Uh… Droog really seems to be getting the short end of the stick here. That’s a pretty creepy relationship even for them.
Huh, now they’re making out. That seems more positive.
Tick-Tock Ch4 (Slick, Droog (MC, FOC, Snowman, Matchsticks))
[Droog knows why. When they were trying to regroup earlier, he’d found Slick finishing off the last of the brutes. He had him pinned, his right hand around the man’s neck, the other wailing on his face. But the guy was already dead and he didn’t even know it. The metal arm snapped his neck, but because Slick couldn’t feel it, he kept going. Droog had to pull him out of the moment, shaking a little. The robot arm on its own is strong—at least twice as strong as a regular arm. But if Slick can’t tell how much damage he’s capable of? Can’t stop because he can’t feel the snap of a spine under his fingertips? That’s worrying.
Slick isn’t interested by this, though. He’s more focused on the fact that he couldn’t feel the kill. And without the feeling of the kill, it’s not a kill to him at all.]
This really gets across their feelings and how much of a problem Slick’s arm is well.
[“I mean… did her intentions seem unpure?”
Slick stares.
“Of course they weren’t fucking pure, we were just about to hit the sack.”
Droog rolls his eyes and grumbles, rubbing at his temple. “That’s not—”]
This seems really forced. You could have Droog being more accurate and less Victorian novel misspeak about his concern and still have Slick interpret it this way – Droog cockblocking him like this would probably make that what’s on his mind regardless.
Hm. So Snowman drops an extra piece. This seems weird. I mean, she went through the trouble of messing with Slick’s arm and not just handing it over directly, so it seems like it was meant for no one to notice it’s new. But if they explained each piece in detail to him then wouldn’t they know trying to hide that it’s new is a waste of time and she could just hand it right to him?
It actually doesn’t seem too suspicious, anyway. They already gave him the arm, right? And obviously Snowman doesn’t want to completely wreck Slick or she’d have torn him apart again. If this piece was included originally Droog would have stuck it in then, so it doesn’t seem there’s room for this to be some new plot. It seems more like she realized there was a problem and is fixing that.
Ah, so it’s actually all meant to fit into canon. That’s clever, I was just assuming this was the typical branching-off AU.
[“Sn0wman’s the one who told me to travel back and tell Droog where to meet me. I told him how to create that arm of yours. Sn0wman’s the one that dropped that missing piece of your arm, which also happens to be a tracking device that led me straight to your hideout.]
That seems unnecessarily convoluted. If they were worried he’d notice the tracking device, then it’d make more sense to swap pieces when Snowman jumped him than to give a new piece he’d be extra suspicious of. And also with two members able to track people though time I’d think they’d have faster ways of finding the hideout anyway.
The give him the arm and let him get happy again then snatch it away thing works fine by itself, but making it part of an actual plan to kill them all seems too extreme.
Tick-Tock Ch5 (Slick (Droog, Ms Paint)
Ah, that was nicely depressing.
Hm. So, overall, it was an interesting plot, you did some stuff with time and the Felt I haven’t seen before and the Droog/Slick relationships was done in depth, but the rest of their relationships suffered. Snowman’s just barely present when it seems she should be more of a factor – you have Droog jealous of Slick’s relationships, you have Droog trying to keep Slick from self-destructive stupidity, and yet the fact he’s in a hate-based stabby relationship with his enemy isn’t even on Droog’s radar? It’s treated like she’s just another enemy, which is particularly weird when her side of the plot, and why everything happens, hinges on the idea this is really important to her. And Boxcars and Deuce aren’t much there either – obviously Droog and Slick take center stage, but it’d be nice to see more of how they’re viewing events and dealing with all this upheaval.
I sort of had the feeling from the sudden mention of hatesnogging and then that it was just something Slick did that had no bearing on a relationship that the author was one of the camp that didn’t feel Slick/Snowman was canon. Her absence is really noticeable – she’s mentioned regularly in the context of a picture Slick throws knives at, but she’s a complete non-factor in their lives emotionally.
Which is particularly annoying when this story is all about developing the Droog/Slick relationship as a red one, so there isn’t even a shipping conflict. The tension between the two relationships feels like it really should be there – Droog is the positive relationship and helping Slick, Snowman is negative and pushing Slick down a worse path, and the climax then is Snowman completely eliminating the positive relationship and using it to strengthen the negative. But instead it’s budding mobster love suddenly cut short.
Clover (Itchy, FOC)
MOC, FOC (Itchy)
WQ (WK, Bec Noir)
Vriska (Jack)
Droog, Slick
Die (Clover)
Slick (Midnight Crew, Felt, Snowman, Doc Scratch)
Droog, Slick (Boxcars, Deuce, Clover, Matchsticks, FOC, Snowman, Ms Paint)
Two of eight again.
Wordcount: 10752