Up to 130.
Semicolons do not indicate
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
[Mere bacteria to bubbly carapacians,
humans longed for life outside Earth and found just what they were
looking for. ]
humans longed for life outside Earth and found just what they were
looking for. ]
I can’t make sense of where the
carapacians come into this. There’s no mention of other aliens until
they get into space.
carapacians come into this. There’s no mention of other aliens until
they get into space.
[Their planet was in plight to be free
of its burden and its species wanting new land for supply and
population. ]
of its burden and its species wanting new land for supply and
population. ]
And this flat out doesn’t make sense.
Are you a native speaker? Good chunks of this are word salad, find
someone to beta read.
Are you a native speaker? Good chunks of this are word salad, find
someone to beta read.
To continue our semicolon
discussion, this chapter was less than a page (even with its one and
two line paragraphs) and contained four of them. Even used properly
that’d be too many.
discussion, this chapter was less than a page (even with its one and
two line paragraphs) and contained four of them. Even used properly
that’d be too many.
Anyway, the next two chapters are
just woe abused trolls slaves woe arranged marriages for some reason
between “Derse” and “Prospit” which is to say
Dave and Rose with John and Jade. What this has to do with humanity
conquering all the other races and spreading across space as
conquerors is anyone’s guess.
just woe abused trolls slaves woe arranged marriages for some reason
between “Derse” and “Prospit” which is to say
Dave and Rose with John and Jade. What this has to do with humanity
conquering all the other races and spreading across space as
conquerors is anyone’s guess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9319978/1/The-First-Mission
(Karkat (Aradia, Sollux, Tavros, The Felt, SS, HB, CD, DD))
(Karkat (Aradia, Sollux, Tavros, The Felt, SS, HB, CD, DD))
[Aradia points a bit higher up on the
building and smirks, “The window on the second floor is open.”]
building and smirks, “The window on the second floor is open.”]
[“You won’t reach it.” He
said, shifting his hands to rest on his hips. ]
said, shifting his hands to rest on his hips. ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
[This human has lost his mind, you
deduce. ]
deduce. ]
So…this explicitly isn’t humanstuck
from your summary, and the kids are still trolls, but the Felt are
humans? Are the carapaces human as well?
from your summary, and the kids are still trolls, but the Felt are
humans? Are the carapaces human as well?
[You’re not pretty sure every member of
the Midnight Crew is in this building and that means one thing.]
the Midnight Crew is in this building and that means one thing.]
Think you transposed words here.
Semicolons do not indicate
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
[Then he asked this shark guy to help
him and he went over to the gun and saw it fall and moved onto the
closet. That happened before it did. So Trace can follow our past
selves and yellow hat man can see into the future. Fuck me sideways
this whole plan has gone crazy eight ways to Sunday.” ]
him and he went over to the gun and saw it fall and moved onto the
closet. That happened before it did. So Trace can follow our past
selves and yellow hat man can see into the future. Fuck me sideways
this whole plan has gone crazy eight ways to Sunday.” ]
See, unless the idea is that the
Midnight Crew has decided they’re sick of the kids and want them
dead, this is making less sense by the minute. They were sent in
without apparently knowing anything about the Felt than their number
– they don’t know what the objects they’re after look like,
although apparently Karkat knows that the one he’s after belongs to
whoever’s wearing the hat with a six on it. None of them seem to know
what those objects do, let alone what powers in general they have. We
know the Midnight Crew has this information, so they must have been
going out of their way never to mention this around their kids just
to make this attempt that much riskier.
Midnight Crew has decided they’re sick of the kids and want them
dead, this is making less sense by the minute. They were sent in
without apparently knowing anything about the Felt than their number
– they don’t know what the objects they’re after look like,
although apparently Karkat knows that the one he’s after belongs to
whoever’s wearing the hat with a six on it. None of them seem to know
what those objects do, let alone what powers in general they have. We
know the Midnight Crew has this information, so they must have been
going out of their way never to mention this around their kids just
to make this attempt that much riskier.
And now he’s come back to Slick who’s
all super accepting of his failure and proud of Karkat for trying
and otherwise really not seeming at all like Slick.
all super accepting of his failure and proud of Karkat for trying
and otherwise really not seeming at all like Slick.
And the sopor slime bit came to nothing
as well – they’re shocked by it, turns out there’s some other kid
in it, they get back to running, so what was the point?
as well – they’re shocked by it, turns out there’s some other kid
in it, they get back to running, so what was the point?
I think that’s what baffles me most
about this AU – if you get that turning the trolls human is missing
out on part of what makes them interesting, why the fuck insist on
turning the rest of the cast human anyway?
about this AU – if you get that turning the trolls human is missing
out on part of what makes them interesting, why the fuck insist on
turning the rest of the cast human anyway?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9339173/1/Alone-in-The-Dark
(Slick, Droog)
(Slick, Droog)
Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
Paragraphing has
rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not
to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means
you start a new paragraph.
rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not
to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means
you start a new paragraph.
[“But
weren’t boxcar and his parents ]
weren’t boxcar and his parents ]
Names
are always capitalized, not just sometimes.
are always capitalized, not just sometimes.
[“Well
there isn’t much we can do know, we are going to have to wait for
this storm to calms down.” Droog notified. ]
there isn’t much we can do know, we are going to have to wait for
this storm to calms down.” Droog notified. ]
For
god’s sake, just use the word said. It’d be distracting even if the
words you were choosing weren’t flat out wrong half the time.
god’s sake, just use the word said. It’d be distracting even if the
words you were choosing weren’t flat out wrong half the time.
Also,
it’s “now” not “know” and “calm” not
“calms”. And that’s hardly the only time you have problems
with your grammar. You really need a beta reader.
it’s “now” not “know” and “calm” not
“calms”. And that’s hardly the only time you have problems
with your grammar. You really need a beta reader.
And
plotwise, this story doesn’t go anywhere. Slick is in the rain for a
while and he argues with Droog, then they go home.
plotwise, this story doesn’t go anywhere. Slick is in the rain for a
while and he argues with Droog, then they go home.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9361177/1/Additions-to-the-Midnight-Crew
(Boxcars (SS, DD, CD, Aradia, Karkat, Tavors, Sollux))
(Boxcars (SS, DD, CD, Aradia, Karkat, Tavors, Sollux))
This
is pretty clumsily plotted. You call them infants, but they’re
humanoid and act more like toddlers. The story stumbles around trying
to justify them – Slick’s ramble about trolls being physically
tougher is an okay one but should’ve been the opening with him
explaining his great plan since it’s the only version that’s not
idiotic (“Let’s just be dads!” for example) and even then
it doesn’t work that well given Slick really doesn’t seem like the
sort of guy who puts that much importance on being slightly better in
a fight, or the sort of guy into extremely long term planning that
involves a lot of effort and frustration before any payoff at all.
is pretty clumsily plotted. You call them infants, but they’re
humanoid and act more like toddlers. The story stumbles around trying
to justify them – Slick’s ramble about trolls being physically
tougher is an okay one but should’ve been the opening with him
explaining his great plan since it’s the only version that’s not
idiotic (“Let’s just be dads!” for example) and even then
it doesn’t work that well given Slick really doesn’t seem like the
sort of guy who puts that much importance on being slightly better in
a fight, or the sort of guy into extremely long term planning that
involves a lot of effort and frustration before any payoff at all.
[Droog
scratched his chin in thought, “What are we going to do about
clothes?”
scratched his chin in thought, “What are we going to do about
clothes?”
The tall man nodded, “I was thinking the same thing.”
Being the infamous Midnight Crew, it wasn’t as if they could walk
into a store and buy clothes for the children. They had ties to the
finer establishments for clothing such as their suits, but he doubted
they would tailor for troll children. The only option he would think
of would be to simply steal the clothes from a lesser shop. They
would head out of town, break into a little building, take a bundle
and leave without anyone knowing. Droog shared his unamused look and
removed his hat. “I can’t think of anything else.”]
That
doesn’t make any sense at all. First, yes, they can walk into a store
and buy clothes. They can walk into a store and buy whatever, being a
mobster if anything just means the stores will be more willing to
serve them. And if they’re paying for tailoring, yes, the tailors
will also take their money tailor for kids. There’s no actual need to
steal the clothes. The only reason to do so is if they just don’t
like to pay for what they can steal.
doesn’t make any sense at all. First, yes, they can walk into a store
and buy clothes. They can walk into a store and buy whatever, being a
mobster if anything just means the stores will be more willing to
serve them. And if they’re paying for tailoring, yes, the tailors
will also take their money tailor for kids. There’s no actual need to
steal the clothes. The only reason to do so is if they just don’t
like to pay for what they can steal.
[Diamond
said he found a schedule for a bank truck traveling through a few
hours east. I planned for us to head out and nab it but now that we
have this
problem, the plans have changed.” He stood behind the couch,
partially in the kitchen area and between the three gang members.
“Either we find somewhere to put them while we grab it or one of
us stays behind.” ]
said he found a schedule for a bank truck traveling through a few
hours east. I planned for us to head out and nab it but now that we
have this
problem, the plans have changed.” He stood behind the couch,
partially in the kitchen area and between the three gang members.
“Either we find somewhere to put them while we grab it or one of
us stays behind.” ]
And
here, since when are they competent or caring enough to think that
they can’t just leave the kids in a locked room and be done with it?
Not leaving kids alone is something parents have to be taught and
only actually a factor if you particularly care about their
wellbeing. Even if the kids are growing on them, and I’m not seeing
that so much as them just switching to concerned parent mode without
explanation, their first impulse should not be to put everything
aside and consider the kids’ wellbeing first, over existing plans.
here, since when are they competent or caring enough to think that
they can’t just leave the kids in a locked room and be done with it?
Not leaving kids alone is something parents have to be taught and
only actually a factor if you particularly care about their
wellbeing. Even if the kids are growing on them, and I’m not seeing
that so much as them just switching to concerned parent mode without
explanation, their first impulse should not be to put everything
aside and consider the kids’ wellbeing first, over existing plans.
Also this author is just really
really plodding in their writing, which makes everything more
annoying.
really plodding in their writing, which makes everything more
annoying.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8825434/1/When-the-Moon-Met-the-Sun
(Feferi, Karkat, Aranea (Nepeta, Equius, Rufioh))
(Feferi, Karkat, Aranea (Nepeta, Equius, Rufioh))
Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
[Feferi nodded,” The air smells so
fresh and clean, and the breeze is cool as well. It’s hard to believe
that Derse is the Kingdom of Darkness when there are so many bright
colors,”]
fresh and clean, and the breeze is cool as well. It’s hard to believe
that Derse is the Kingdom of Darkness when there are so many bright
colors,”]
This reads really weirdly. If they live
on Derse, they shouldn’t be remarking how Derse being the way it
always is conflicts with what they know of Derse.
on Derse, they shouldn’t be remarking how Derse being the way it
always is conflicts with what they know of Derse.
[He nodded,” Feferi, how wwell do
you think our moirailship is going?”
you think our moirailship is going?”
“I’d say it’s going pretty well,
although you can be quite a handful at times.”
although you can be quite a handful at times.”
He stiffened slightly then relaxed,”
I’m sorry-” he broke into a grin,” I’m saury that I’m such
a handful sometimes.”
I’m sorry-” he broke into a grin,” I’m saury that I’m such
a handful sometimes.”
Feferi’s earfins twitched with
amusement and she looked at him excitedly,” It’s alright,
Eridan. Besides, I know you’d go crazy if I broke off my
moiraillegiance with you.”]
amusement and she looked at him excitedly,” It’s alright,
Eridan. Besides, I know you’d go crazy if I broke off my
moiraillegiance with you.”]
Feferi canonically tries to put a good
face on it, but even then she describes it as a burden, and in
actuality she’s with him because she fears what he’ll do to everyone
else without her keeping him under control, not because she actually
likes the relationship.
face on it, but even then she describes it as a burden, and in
actuality she’s with him because she fears what he’ll do to everyone
else without her keeping him under control, not because she actually
likes the relationship.
[Yet Feferi knew that if she didn’t
choose her words right in declining his offer, Eridan could snap. A
breeze gently rustled the leaves of the willow trees nearby and the
sound of ducks quacking filled the tense silence. Eridan never
dropped his gaze as he awaited her answer.
choose her words right in declining his offer, Eridan could snap. A
breeze gently rustled the leaves of the willow trees nearby and the
sound of ducks quacking filled the tense silence. Eridan never
dropped his gaze as he awaited her answer.
Feferi took a deep breath,”
Eridan, I treasure you dearly. You’re my best friend and my moirail.
I cherish you deeply and you’re wonderful to be around even if others
don’t think that way about you. Now I could be snarky about this and
blow this off as a joke, but I understand that you’re serious about
this.”]
Eridan, I treasure you dearly. You’re my best friend and my moirail.
I cherish you deeply and you’re wonderful to be around even if others
don’t think that way about you. Now I could be snarky about this and
blow this off as a joke, but I understand that you’re serious about
this.”]
I really don’t like how you’re
presenting it as if it’s Feferi’s fault he actually did snap and how
if only she’d done it better and been even more considerate of him
everything would’ve been fine.
presenting it as if it’s Feferi’s fault he actually did snap and how
if only she’d done it better and been even more considerate of him
everything would’ve been fine.
Also, she’d refuse on the basis he’s
genocidal and her moirail duties are, as far as she’s aware, all that
keeps him from going on a killing spree. She can’t break that
quadrant without some big game-changer like Sgrub.
genocidal and her moirail duties are, as far as she’s aware, all that
keeps him from going on a killing spree. She can’t break that
quadrant without some big game-changer like Sgrub.
[Feferi
crossed her arms smugly,” Just because I’m not your moirail does
not mean I can’t give advice! Besides this is gill-to-gill talk~ I
don’t reely believe Equius would be able to give advice like this ]
crossed her arms smugly,” Just because I’m not your moirail does
not mean I can’t give advice! Besides this is gill-to-gill talk~ I
don’t reely believe Equius would be able to give advice like this ]
Considering
trolls are bisexual I don’t see why talking about a crush would be a
girl-to-girl thing – if anything since her crush is a guy
consulting with another guy would be more useful.
trolls are bisexual I don’t see why talking about a crush would be a
girl-to-girl thing – if anything since her crush is a guy
consulting with another guy would be more useful.
[I
still cannot quite comprehend what on earth you see in that
mutantblood. ]
still cannot quite comprehend what on earth you see in that
mutantblood. ]
Uh.
If Karkat’s open about his blood color, you really need to explain
what state the actual hemospectrum’s in, because his blood type is
less super-low and more kill-on-sight. If that’s not such a concern,
it needs explaining. With Sgrub happening, we have the explanation
that they’re the last of their kind and happen to be ones who
generally didn’t care much. But here presumably all the other trolls
are still alive – and if somehow they’re the only ones, then the
hemospectrum stops mattering at all.
If Karkat’s open about his blood color, you really need to explain
what state the actual hemospectrum’s in, because his blood type is
less super-low and more kill-on-sight. If that’s not such a concern,
it needs explaining. With Sgrub happening, we have the explanation
that they’re the last of their kind and happen to be ones who
generally didn’t care much. But here presumably all the other trolls
are still alive – and if somehow they’re the only ones, then the
hemospectrum stops mattering at all.
Okay,
so…in this story, carapaces of both colors unifying is going to be
evil and result in murdering lots of innocents? That’s a weird
direction to be going in given that we have that unifying happen in
the comic and it’s by a heroic character. Well, I guess interpreting
cloud visions can go many different ways.
so…in this story, carapaces of both colors unifying is going to be
evil and result in murdering lots of innocents? That’s a weird
direction to be going in given that we have that unifying happen in
the comic and it’s by a heroic character. Well, I guess interpreting
cloud visions can go many different ways.
[I
toned down Eridan’s desperation a bit and made him a bit more
respectful to Feferi’s wishes. ]
toned down Eridan’s desperation a bit and made him a bit more
respectful to Feferi’s wishes. ]
So
that was intentional. Why, though? If you want to avoid Eridan going
on his murdering spree, you just need to avoid him next spending
months shooting furious angel monsters followed by being trapped on a
meteor and giving up hope. And if you were willing to change that
outright, why on earth have Feferi say that it was all about her
being super respectful of his feelings and not saying the wrong
thing?
that was intentional. Why, though? If you want to avoid Eridan going
on his murdering spree, you just need to avoid him next spending
months shooting furious angel monsters followed by being trapped on a
meteor and giving up hope. And if you were willing to change that
outright, why on earth have Feferi say that it was all about her
being super respectful of his feelings and not saying the wrong
thing?
And after all that it turns out I’m
blocked. (Why can’t the site code not display a review box if that’s
the case? I never much liked the popup box setup but at least then I
could check in advance if I wanted.) Whatever story I reviewed them
on before appears to have vanished, but
their profile is worth a gape of horror in itself.
blocked. (Why can’t the site code not display a review box if that’s
the case? I never much liked the popup box setup but at least then I
could check in advance if I wanted.) Whatever story I reviewed them
on before appears to have vanished, but
their profile is worth a gape of horror in itself.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9379948/1/Madness-of-the-Derse-Queen
(Jack (Condesce, OC))
(Jack (Condesce, OC))
Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
And
speaking of said, use it. It’s generally less distracting than
dancing around the word, and never flat-out wrong to use like a lot
of your picks.
speaking of said, use it. It’s generally less distracting than
dancing around the word, and never flat-out wrong to use like a lot
of your picks.
Spellcheck
is also something you should’ve used.
is also something you should’ve used.
Finally,
of all people, Jack is not the one you should have complaining about
“going a little overboard with the killing” – he
slaughters more people for stupider reasons pretty much constantly.
The Dignitary seems a better bet as he at least might object on the
basis this was creating more work in the long run. He also is easier
to see talking in this kind of restrained tone, while Jack is a lot
more direct.
of all people, Jack is not the one you should have complaining about
“going a little overboard with the killing” – he
slaughters more people for stupider reasons pretty much constantly.
The Dignitary seems a better bet as he at least might object on the
basis this was creating more work in the long run. He also is easier
to see talking in this kind of restrained tone, while Jack is a lot
more direct.
“I originally wrote this for
an English assignment. ” Jesus
christ.
an English assignment. ” Jesus
christ.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9381096/1/Its-Only-Three-in-the-Morning
(Slick (Snowman))
(Slick (Snowman))
[There
is something that should be noted about the former Quasiroyal Sn0wman
and that is if a person had the misfortune or in the rarest of cases
fortune of joining her in a quadrant something should be noted with
the act of making love. If a person enters into a Black relationship
with her she would usually cause intense physical pain and near
debilitating injuries during sex and for good measure when they
finished she would take a long drag of a cigarette and put it out on
their flesh to remind the person who was in charge. If the person
tried to run from this then she would whip them repeated times until
the person was left near death. If the aforementioned person was in a
red relationship then the physical contact would be more like love
making then pure animalistic sex as she would only leave superficial
wounds such as small scratches or love marks on the neck or
shoulders. ]
is something that should be noted about the former Quasiroyal Sn0wman
and that is if a person had the misfortune or in the rarest of cases
fortune of joining her in a quadrant something should be noted with
the act of making love. If a person enters into a Black relationship
with her she would usually cause intense physical pain and near
debilitating injuries during sex and for good measure when they
finished she would take a long drag of a cigarette and put it out on
their flesh to remind the person who was in charge. If the person
tried to run from this then she would whip them repeated times until
the person was left near death. If the aforementioned person was in a
red relationship then the physical contact would be more like love
making then pure animalistic sex as she would only leave superficial
wounds such as small scratches or love marks on the neck or
shoulders. ]
Uh,
what? “If you’re in any relationship with her you should be
terrified, because she’s violent in the quadrant explicitly based
around hate and in the other one she might give you a hickie!”
what? “If you’re in any relationship with her you should be
terrified, because she’s violent in the quadrant explicitly based
around hate and in the other one she might give you a hickie!”
Also,
Snowman, no zero, and don’t capitalize “black” or any other
random words.
Snowman, no zero, and don’t capitalize “black” or any other
random words.
[None
of that mattered at the moment, hell it was only three in the morning
too early for any good, wholesome person to be out and too late for
anyone living their life in the shadows to be planning anything, well
that wasn’t entirely true a one Spades Slick was planning something
as he rolled down the street in his jet black 69 Impala heading
towards the only neutral ground between the warring Midnight Crew and
The Felt. ]
of that mattered at the moment, hell it was only three in the morning
too early for any good, wholesome person to be out and too late for
anyone living their life in the shadows to be planning anything, well
that wasn’t entirely true a one Spades Slick was planning something
as he rolled down the street in his jet black 69 Impala heading
towards the only neutral ground between the warring Midnight Crew and
The Felt. ]
Just
stop and edit your sentence, don’t just keep typing when you change
your mind about what that sentence is supposed to involve. This reads
like speech, but this is a story, it’s supposed to be more coherent
than if I just grabbed someone on the street and asked them to make
up a story on the spot.
stop and edit your sentence, don’t just keep typing when you change
your mind about what that sentence is supposed to involve. This reads
like speech, but this is a story, it’s supposed to be more coherent
than if I just grabbed someone on the street and asked them to make
up a story on the spot.
Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
[“That
is no way to address your superior Archagent ]
is no way to address your superior Archagent ]
Okay,
what she just said was that she’s a superior archagent. You need way,
way more commas in your sentences.
what she just said was that she’s a superior archagent. You need way,
way more commas in your sentences.
[the
state of that hobble ]
state of that hobble ]
Hovel.
You really, really need a beta reader.
You really, really need a beta reader.
[she
cracked her whip on the ground returning it to its normal form as a
normal cigarette holder ]
cracked her whip on the ground returning it to its normal form as a
normal cigarette holder ]
No,
that’s the lance that switches to a cigarette holder.
that’s the lance that switches to a cigarette holder.
[Sn0wman
purred at the feeling of her unblemished skin being graced with
another mark as she began to kiss him harder. ]
purred at the feeling of her unblemished skin being graced with
another mark as she began to kiss him harder. ]
Unblemished
means there are no marks.
means there are no marks.
[She
pulled him in by her hair forcing his face against her sex as she
looked down to him like she was nothing but meat as she smirked
wildly.]
pulled him in by her hair forcing his face against her sex as she
looked down to him like she was nothing but meat as she smirked
wildly.]
Yeah
I don’t think you meant she was nothing but meat.
I don’t think you meant she was nothing but meat.
Holy shit this story is like the
platonic ideal of fandom’s fucked up Snowslick. Snowman is a crazed
abuser who you should be terrified of because she just likes hurting
people for no reason, who’s also a masochist and starts purring in
delight when he gets a knife on her, while he hates her for the abuse, it never seems to just be that in blackrom your partner pulling a knife on you is just really hot, it’s always Snowman lets him while he keeps trying to turn the tables, which naturally he
does by the end and he gets to fuck her while raving all along about
what a slut she is. Because that’s Slick’s biggest issue with her,
how she’s a whore.
platonic ideal of fandom’s fucked up Snowslick. Snowman is a crazed
abuser who you should be terrified of because she just likes hurting
people for no reason, who’s also a masochist and starts purring in
delight when he gets a knife on her, while he hates her for the abuse, it never seems to just be that in blackrom your partner pulling a knife on you is just really hot, it’s always Snowman lets him while he keeps trying to turn the tables, which naturally he
does by the end and he gets to fuck her while raving all along about
what a slut she is. Because that’s Slick’s biggest issue with her,
how she’s a whore.
I can’t exactly say it’s worse than
the stuff that just goes for straight up OOC let’s redrom everything
because there is only one type of real relationship, but the
recurring theme of Snowman is unbalanced, inherently abusive, and
also such a total slut is not a pleasant one.
the stuff that just goes for straight up OOC let’s redrom everything
because there is only one type of real relationship, but the
recurring theme of Snowman is unbalanced, inherently abusive, and
also such a total slut is not a pleasant one.
Karkat (Aradia, Sollux, Tavros, The
Felt, SS, HB, CD, DD)
Felt, SS, HB, CD, DD)
Slick, Droog
Boxcars (SS, DD, CD, Aradia, Karkat,
Tavros, Sollux)
Tavros, Sollux)
Feferi, Karkat, Aranea (Nepeta,
Equius, Rufioh)
Equius, Rufioh)
Jack (Condesce, OC)
Slick (Snowman)
One of six, with the one being by
someone with a girls want a boyfriend who won’t take no for an answer
copypasta poem, Nice Guys guilt trip copypasta poem, and our friend
the believe in Jesus so he’ll get someone else raped instead of you
copypasta story.
someone with a girls want a boyfriend who won’t take no for an answer
copypasta poem, Nice Guys guilt trip copypasta poem, and our friend
the believe in Jesus so he’ll get someone else raped instead of you
copypasta story.
This was not a good day for the
category.
category.
Wordcount: 3730 (18655) (Still more than a thousand behind.)